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shervonfakhimi · 5 years

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The Annual Gasbag, Totally Wrong 2019 NCAA Tournament Bracket

The sun is out. The birds are chirping. Spring break is approaching. Gasbags on television are absolutely positive the Anteaters of UC Irvine will beat the Kansas State Wildcats despite never seeing them play. That’s right, get a whiff of it all and inhale. March is here ladies and gentlemen, which means people will finally begin watching college basketball and maintain that they have been watching all season long trying to win their bracket pools (I somehow won mine last year after years of trying. Shoutout Moe Wagner and Donte DiVincenzo!) pretending to know everything in the process, when we all know nobody knows anything at all. Who the hell is Gardner-Webb? Wait, they’re a team, not a player? What? So with that being the backdrop, let’s run through my picks and all laugh at how horribly wrong I will be in three weeks. As the late Heath Ledger said as the Joker in ‘The Dark Knight,’ “Here. We. Go.”

EAST

Round of 64

1 Duke vs 16 North Dakota State/NC Central: Zion smash. Duke wins.

8 VCU vs 9 UCF: VCU lost to Rhode Island in the A-10 tournament, losing one of their guards in the process. UCF has guards in BJ Taylor and Aubrey Dawkins to match a talented frontcourt headed by the giant Tacko Fall. Look man, I haven’t seen VCU play so I don’t have much to work with. They’re havoc style of play may work, but probably not against an experienced team. I’ll take UCF.

5 Mississippi State vs 12 Liberty: Liberty’s coach comes from the Virginia Cavalier school of strategy, playing at a snail pace and making it a halfcourt game. MSU has the guards to beat that style, and I think they’ll prevail. I’m always here for a 12-5 upset, but don’t think this is the place to look.

4 Virginia Tech vs 13 St. Louis: A Billiken is a mythical good-luck figure who represents "things as they ought to be." That’s all I got for St. Louis. And that sounds about right because they ought to take an L to a really talented, versatile Virginia Tech getting their point guard Justin Robinson back. I’ll take the giant, ‘Family Guy’-esque fighting chickens over whatever the heck a Billiken is.

6 Maryland vs 11 Belmont: Good on the committee to put Belmont in the dance, and good on Belmont to prove them and all their supporters right, taking down Temple. They have a wide range of guards and playmakers, most notably future pro Dylan Windler. But for Maryland’s purposes, Belmont has a couple bigs to throw at Bruno Fernando to at least make him work. With Windler’s ability to rebound and good guard play, I think Belmont will keep on keeping on.

3 LSU vs 14 Yale: How remarkable is it that *these* two teams are currently embroiled in NCAA/FBI scrutiny? Hilarious. Anyway, buckle up, ya’ll. We got an upset here. Get this: Yale is 42nd and 29th in the country in 3 point field goal percentage and 3 point field goal percentage defense, respectively, per Kenpom. LSU is 276th and 179th, respectively in those areas. Add to it Yale has played the role of Cinderella spoiler before 3 years ago when Taurean Prince taught us what a rebound is, Yale arguably may have the best player on the floor in future NBA draft pick Miye Oni and LSU doesn’t have their head coach right now, this has all the makings of an upset special. I’ve never seen Yale play. Instead of watching their conference tournament championship game, I chose to watch ‘Desus & Mero’ before Tennesee-Auburn tipped off (shoutout the brand). But, I’m taking them anyway. Let’s go Yale!

7 Louisville vs 10 Minnesota: Brace yourselves, good people of Des Moines, Iowa. Wear turtlenecks, stay in bright areas, dress in layers to be extra cautious. The fact this is the first game on Thursday’s slate means it may be dark enough for a vampire named Count Pitino to sneak into the arena. No one should be bit in the process. All I want is safety for those who just want to enjoy some hoops. Is that too much to ask for? I’m taking Louisville, but that’s not what’s important here. Stay safe, Iowa. We don’t need any accidents here.

2 Michigan State vs 15 Bradley: Don’t worry, Bradley. You won’t be in the tournament long enough for any actual, respected journalists to have to worry about your supposed ‘brand.’ Sparty rolls on.

ROUND OF 32

1 Duke vs 9 UCF: The classic mentor vs mentee matchup. Mike Krzyzewski being the Obi-Wan to Johnny Dawkins’ Anakin Skywalker. While Coach K might not have the high ground since UCF has towering Tacko Fall, it still won’t matter. UCF has enough shooting and wings to make it a game, but Zion, RJ and Cam Reddish should be able to get through relatively unscathed. Duke wins.

4 Virginia Tech vs 5 Mississippi State: Virginia Tech’s versatility should be a bad matchup for MSU. VT plays 4 perimeter players around big man Kerry Blackshear, who is a big with perimeter skills with his ability to shoot 3s, attack a closeout and pass. Potential possible lottery pick Nickeil Alexander-Walker should be able to defend and attack Mississippi State’s smaller guards. Since MSU isn’t particularly gigantic on the frontcourt, Virginia Tech should be able to play their game without a ton of concern, though MSU is a good offensive rebounding team. Virginia Tech hangs on and gets to the Sweet 16.

11 Belmont vs 14 Yale: Yale may have pulled off the bigger upset, but Belmont is still the better team. I’m thinking Windler and crew slow down Oni and the Bulldogs and advance to the Sweet 16.

2 Michigan State vs 7 Louisville: These two teams met earlier this year in Louisville, with the Cardinals winning. While the Cardinals aren’t bulky in the frontcourt, they have options to throw at the multitude of bigs Michigan State trots out in Nick Ward, Xavier Tillman and Kenny Goins. Maybe I’m underestimating the chemistry and spirit of this Spartans team (one that has withstood multiple injuries), but I believe Christen Cunningham can match up well against Cassius Winston, Louisville matches up well with Michigan State as a whole, Jordan Nwora is perhaps the most talented player on the floor that Michigan State doesn’t quite have an answer for, and Chris Mack knows his way around an NCAA Tournament too. Though Michigan State is a good 3 point shooting team (38.2%), they surround the floor with shooters who teams are willing to let them beat them rather than let their bigs dominate inside and have been inconsistent hitting big shots in tense situations. I believe Louisville will be able to get better offense, though they’ll have to avoid collapsing late like they did against Duke when they blew a 23 point lead. Perhaps Louisville gets some home cooking too with this game being played in Big 10 country. Louisville ranks in the top 30 in both offensive and defensive efficiency in Kenpom, so they are more than capable of taking Michigan State down. I’m rolling with Louisville in an upset to get to the Sweet 16.

SWEET 16

1 Duke vs 4 Virginia Tech: This is a dangerous spot for Duke. VT defeated Duke in Blacksburg, while the Hokies were without Justin Robinson and Duke was without Zion Williamson. Zion aside, Virginia Tech has the length and athleticism to match up somewhat with Duke’s perimeter athletes and their 3 point shooting prowess (7th in the nation at 39.8%) could make things interesting. If Zion Williamson wasn’t on Duke, this could be a trendy and real sleeper pick. Zion could end up being the difference, thus Duke moving on to the Elite 8.

7 Louisville vs 11 Belmont: Belmont matches up with Louisville fairly well. But the same applies the other way and I think Louisville has the versatility to defend Belmont’s motion-centric offense and out-gun them with Nwora leading the way. I like Louisville to move on to the Elite 8.

ELITE 8

1 Duke vs 7 Louisville: As mentioned earlier, Duke nearly lost to this Louisville and required a colossal comeback to defeat them in Louisville. Louisville managed out-rebound Duke and hold them to 36.5% from the field. And yes, this was with Zion Williamson playing. However, Duke got 24 trips to the Free Throw line, nine of which from Zion, who made eight of them. The lack of size in the backcourt means Cam Reddish could be more of a factor should the Cardinals elect to have Dwane Sutton guard RJ Barrett, who went only 4-14 from the field in their previous affair. I’m not expecting an utter meltdown from Louisville in this rematch, but I also don’t think Reddish, RJ Barrett and Tre Jones will go 13-45 from the field either. Duke wins a close on to get to the Final 4.

SOUTH

ROUND OF 64

1 Virginia vs 16 Gardner-Webb: You want to know what I said last year about Virginia in their first round matchup? Well, here ya go: ‘UMBC is named the Retrievers. That’s about all I got here. Shoutout them & Jarius Lyles, who averages 20.2 PPG, but nah this ain’t happening. UVA wins.’ It can’t happen again, right? RIGHT?

8 Ole Miss vs 9 Oklahoma:

Could this Oklahoma team be any more of a polar opposite than last year’s squad headlined by Trae Young? Nope. Last year’s team was more of an offensive oriented team, while this year makes its hey on defense. While Ole Miss has some legit guards in Terence Davis and Breein Tyree, they’re not good defending 3s and can be had defensively. We’re going with the more tournament experienced Sooners here.

5 Wisconsin vs 12 Oregon: Ethan Happ is *still* in Wisconsin after debuting for the Badgers 10 years ago. Seriously, he’s still there? Anyway, Wisconsin drew a really bad matchup against a super hot Oregon team who has multiple bigs, primarily Kenny Wooten, to throw at Happ and stick to Wisconsin’s shooters. Louis King, who Bill Walton calls ‘Louie the King’ is a potential 1st round pick (maybe next year) with a very tantalizing skillset at 6’9” 205lbs. Payton Pritchard can control the pace and bring a scoring punch in his own right. Speaking of Bill Walton, I’ll let him announce who my pick is for this game.

4 Kansas State vs 13 UC Irvine: Similarly to Yale, instead of watching UC Irvine’s championship game, I chose to watch ‘Ant-Man and the Wasp’ instead. So I don’t really have much here. All I know is this game is going to be an ugly, low scoring brawl since these two teams make their hay. Dean Wade may not play for Kansas State, so I’m rolling with the Anteaters despite never seeing them play. Surely that’s a recipe for success, right?

6 Villanova vs 11 St. Mary’s: I don’t think Villanova could’ve gotten a better draw. If you sense a theme here with this bracket, St. Mary’s wants to play at a snail’s pace with scoring being at a premium. That’s good for a Villanova team without many offensive creators outside of Phil Booth and Eric Paschall, who are a little over their heads for their roles anyway while keeping this team afloat. Had Nova gotten a team that can go up and down and get buckets, I’d be a lot more pessimistic about their chances. But St. Mary’s isn’t that team, so I’m rolling with Booth, Paschall, Jay Wright and Villanova to advance.

3 Purdue vs 14 Old Dominion: I totally have never seen Old Dominion play so… yeah. Carsen Edwards should be able to get at least one game for Purdue. Boiler up!

7 Cincinnati vs 10 Iowa: If ever there were a game that will break out in an Anchorman-type brawl with brass knuckles, grenades and a trident, this would be it. Coaching staffs, players, everybody. And let me tell you, no one is more ready to fight like Mick Cronin. For that (and the fact this game will be in Columbus, Ohio) reason alone I’m going with Cincinnati.

2 Tennessee vs 15 Colgate: Tennessee should be able to *brush* off the competition in the first round. I’ll show myself out…

ROUND OF 32

1 Virginia vs 9 Oklahoma: If Oklahoma is a defensive-minded squad, then give me the team with three potential NBA 1st round picks. Virginia advances.

12 Oregon vs 13 UC Irvine: Again, another defensive-minded affair. Oregon has been locking teams down in their late season push into the NCAA tournament. Irvine can win this game, but I think Pritchard will be able to get Oregon better looks and close out another win. Cue Bill Walton again.

3 Purdue vs 6 Villanova: Villanova’s hellacious draw continues. Purdue is similar to Nova in that they have a player that has to do more offensivey than he probably should be doing. Carsen Edwards is a volume scorer, but that can lead to loud off nights as well. Without another go-to option on offense, Villanova is sound and disciplined enough to be able to take away Purdue’s complementary shooting and put multiple defenders on Edwards to tire him out. It also helps Villanova’s cause they’ll be a de facto home team in Hartford, Connecticut. As mentioned before, I think Villanova is prone to a loss here, but I’m not sure Purdue has the firepower to knock them out early. I’m guessing this will be another close, low scoring game with the defending national champs eeking out another one to get to the Sweet 16.

2 Tennessee vs 7 Cincinnati: So, it’s a little bullshit that Tennessee, a 2 seed in the *South* region will basically have a road game in the middle of Ohio. Maybe it could end up being a factor, but with how constipated an offense Cincinnati has and that Tennessee can throw multiple defenders at Cincinnati’s best offensive threat in Jarron Cumberland, I think Tennessee wins this out pretty handily.

SWEET 16

1 Virginia vs 12 Oregon: Oregon has put the clamps on teams, but the run ends here. Virginia has Ty Jerome to throw at Pritchard and De’Andre Hunter to throw at Louis King. While a fun NBA draft matchup, Oregon’s lack of explosive offensive firepower will finally come back to bite them here with Virginia’s 2nd most efficient offense in the country. I think Kyle Guy will have a field day here. Sorry Bill Walton, but I’m going with Virginia here.

2 Tennessee vs 6 Villanova: Villanova can make this interesting. Eric Paschall, Saddiq Bey, Jaylen Samuels and Dhamir Cosby-Roundtree are big and versatile enough to make Tennessee’ versions of the Incredible Hulk in Grant Williams and Admiral Schofield work. However, the play of Tennessee’s guards Jordan Bone, Jordan Bowden and Lamonte Turner I think will be the difference and lift Tennessee into a dream Elite 8 matchup.

ELITE 8

1 Virginia vs 2 Tennessee: Virginia *beep* Tennessee *beep* collision course. That’s what it feels like in this South region, honestly. These two match up really well with each other. Either squad could take it. I think this is going to be the breakout game where everybody in the country sees how good De’Andre Hunter really is. Sure, Virginia’s got Ty Jerome and Kyle Guy, who have to play well and defend Tennessee’s guards, but Tennessee’s bread and butter is in the paint, and there may be no player better served to defend Schofield and Grant Williams than Hunter, a potential Top 5 NBA pick this upcoming draft. Not only that, but he can hit 3s at a very high clip (45.7%). Tennessee got exploited by Auburn bombing away from 3 and stretching their bigs out, an achilles’ heel for Tennessee, as they rank 151st in the country in 3 point defense. Virginia is 4th in the country in 3 point offense. Look for Hunter, Braxton Key and Mamadi Diakite to make life difficult on Tennessee’s brutes down low and for the Cavs to beat Tennessee from deep. I’m rolling with Virginia and for Tony Bennett’s squad to finally make the Final 4.

MIDWEST

1 North Carolina vs 16 Iona: The ceiling is the roof for one of these teams, and it ain’t Iona. Sorry Gaels. UNC wins.

8 Utah State vs 9 Washington: Utah State is a good team led by Sam Merrill and a future pro in Neemias Queta. Washington struggles to score, but can make things interesting playing a Syracuse-esque 2-3 zone and ballhawk Matisse Thybulle making plays. I just don’t think Washington scores enough. Utah State moving on.

5 Auburn vs 12 New Mexico State: Auburn destroyed Tennessee from 3 point range in the SEC championship game. New Mexico State can make things interesting, but think Jared Harper and Bryce Brown make enough shots to let Auburn advance.

4 Kansas vs 13 Northeastern: This is arguably the worst Kansas team I’ve ever seen. Part of it is because they’ve been hampered by injuries (Udoka Azubuike), Lagerald Vick leaving for personal reasons and the feds tapping Bill Self’s phone (Silvio De Sousa). Regardless, this team is overly reliant on Dedric Lawson, who couldn’t get the job against Iowa State in the Big 12 tournament. Northeastern can stretch Kansas out similarly to how the Cyclones did and have arguably the best guard on the floor in Serbian guard Vasa Pusica. While Devon Dotson is a solid floor general, he, Quentin Grimes and Ochai Agbaji haven’t necessarily proven to be consistent scoring threats. I already picked one Husky team to lose; I don’t think the other will. Upset alert!

6 Iowa State vs 11 Ohio State: If Ohio State big man Kaleb Wesson can stay out of foul trouble and punish the Cyclones down low, this could be a game. But Iowa State may have the best collection of guards in the entire country, and have at least 3 solid options down low to bang with Wesson in Michael Jacobson, Cam Lard and George Conditt IV. I’m betting on Iowa State’s guard play to advance.

3 Houston vs 14 Georgia State: I know D’Marcus Simonds is good for Georgia State. I’m not sure what else they got. Houston should win this game. Dejon Jarreau and the Coogs hold on.

7 Wofford vs 10 Seton Hall: I don’t think there’s a more underrated guard to go on a Kemba Walker-esque run than Myles Powell of Seton Hall. He is an unconscious chucker who won’t stop until he gets hot. I think he outguns Fletcher Magee for Wofford and Seton Hall advances with tough defense to run Wofford off the 3 point line.

2 Kentucky vs 15 Abilene Christian: Does this man look like he’s worried about Abilene Christian? Hell nah.

ROUND OF 32

1 North Carolina vs 8 Utah State: Utah State has some guys, as mentioned earlier, but I don’t think they have the firepower to deal with Coby White, Cam Johnson, Luke Maye, Nassir Little and crew. UNC goes to the Sweet 16.

5 Auburn vs 13 Northeastern: Similar to Utah State, Northeastern has some firepower and can make this interesting, but don’t think they have enough. The numerous attacking guards Auburn has runs in contrast to what Kansas has. Regardless of whether Northeastern or Kansas actually plays this game, I’m taking Auburn to move on.

3 Houston vs 6 Iowa State: Houston has some guards in Dejon Jarreau, Galen Robinson and Corey Davis Jr. They’re tough and versatile defensively and have enough to score efficiently. Had they gotten Villanova as their 6th seed, I’d be more willing to pick Houston. But Iowa State’s guard-play in the form of Virginia transfer Marial Shayok, potential first round pick Talen Horton-Tucker, Tyrese Haliburton and 6th man supersub Lindell Wigginton I think will shine through. Houston can beat Iowa State, but I don’t think they will end up beating them. Gimme Iowa State.

2 Kentucky vs 10 Seton Hall: Myles Powell and Seton Hall beat Kentucky once already. But, as all Calipari teams, this Kentucky team has improved as the season has gone on. I’m not sure Hall has enough juice to pull this off. Going with Kentucky.

SWEET 16

1 North Carolina vs 5 Auburn: This game will be the closest thing to an NBA in terms of space and 3 point shooting. Auburn can shoot themselves into a win or out of a game into a major loss. North Carolina is one of the few teams in the country that can keep up with them whether Auburn is hitting shots or not. I think Coby White and Kenny Williams would outplay and defend Jared Harper and Bryce Brown. Cam Johnson going up against Chuma Okeke makes for a nice NBA draft matchup. UNC has an answer for all of Auburn’s primary weapons. I’m taking the Heels.

2 Kentucky vs 6 Iowa State: So remember all that talk about Iowa State’s guards? Well, Kentucky has Ashton Hagans, Tyler Herro and Keldon Johnson to throw at Iowa State, along with a multitude of bigs, most notably PJ Washington and Stanford transfer Reid Travis. I think Kentucky can neutralize Iowa State’s guards while simultaneously punishing them down low. It’ll be a de facto road game in Hilton south in Kansas City, but think Calipari and crew will get the job done.

ELITE 8

1 North Carolina vs 2 Kentucky: The Luke Maye avenge game! De’Aaron Fox, Malik Monk and Bam Adebayo aren’t there, but Maye still is after debuting for the Heels 20 years ago. Ashton Hagans is a bulldog defensively who can hound Coby White all game long. Keldon Johnson can defend Cam Johnson. They have the athletes and girth in the frontcourt to not just pester Luke Maye, Garrison Brooks and Nassir Little, but get the best of them too. However, with PJ Washington in a boot, he may not be 100% if he can even play in the game. For that reason, I’m rolling with North Carolina to get back to the Final 4.

WEST

ROUND OF 64

1 Gonzaga vs 16 Fairleigh Dickinson/Prairie View A&M: Yeah, Gonzaga.

8 Syracuse vs 9 Baylor: Another should-be ugly game with a lot of zone and offenses not knowing how to deal with zones. Syracuse announced they have suspended starting guard Frank Howard. With that news, for an already struggling Syracuse offense, I’m going with Baylor to take this one.

5 Marquette vs 12 Murray State: HELL. YES. Inject this game into my damn veins. Ja Morant and Markus Howard are two of the most explosive scoring guards in the country. Ja carried the Racers into the tournament. Markus made it a habit to drop 50 on fools. The difference is: Ja is a Trae Young type of playmaker put into De’Aaron Fox’s gifted athletic frame, whereas Markus is a talented bucket getter who can be forced into low efficiency shots and turnovers. Howard is a stud, but Ja is better, and Murray State has guards in Shaq Buchanon and Tevin Brown to make Howard work offensively. Where is Ja? The round of 32, Mr. Dave Chappelle.

4 Florida State vs 13 Vermont: Vermont is good. They also aren’t very big or deep. Florida State is the exact opposite. I’ll take the Seminoles.

6 Buffalo vs 11 St. John’s/Arizona State: Regardless of who plays this game (I think it’ll be Arizona State), I’m taking Buffalo. The Bulls have good guard play headlined by CJ Massinburg and Jeremy Harris. The Sun Devils match up fairly well, but I’m thinking those two and big man Nick Perkins stretching the floor will make the difference in the Bobby Hurley revenge game.

3 Texas Tech vs 14 Northern Kentucky: Unless Thor is suiting up for the Norse of Northern Kentucky, then I’m taking Jarrett Culver and Tech. I’m told he’s being rested for load management so he can take down Thanos. Sounds like the right decision. Texas Tech wins this one.

7 Nevada vs 10 Florida: So, here’s a question: Is Nevada good? Arizona State and Utah State are the only teams worth a damn they’ve beaten this year, neither of which being a true road game. They split with Utah State and lost 2 of 3 to San Diego State. Not great for the Muss Bus. The Martin twins and Jordan Caroline are good enough to go on another one, but I’m thinking Florida puts the clamps on them and Arkansas’ own KeVaughn Allen helps close them out. Florida moves on.

2 Michigan vs 15 Montana: I have no idea why and how these two are playing in the first round again, but I’m guessing it’ll end similarly to last year. Michigan wins.

ROUND OF 32

1 Gonzaga vs 9 Baylor: I can’t think of any two players more suited to bust a 2-3 zone (yes, Baylor runs it too) quite like Rui Hachimura and Brandon Clarke. Well, there was Jaren Jackson Jr. last year for Michigan State but Tom Izzo somehow decided he was only worth playing 13 minutes. Yeah… Mark Few isn’t going to make that mistake (I think?). Gonzaga moves on.

4 Florida State vs 12 Murray State: I hate this draw for Murray State. Loathe it. Despise it. I just want to pick Ja Morant to go the Elite 8 at the very least, why do you have to do this to me, committee? Florida State has multiple guards in Terrance Mann, Trent Forrest, MJ Walker, David Nichols, PJ Savoy and Devin Vassell that can not only make Ja Morant work offensively but have to guard defensively. Not that he’s a bad defender, but he typically likes to chill a little bit on that end to store his energy for carrying Murray State’s offense. Ja is good enough to pull this off; I’d probably pick him to do so against any other 4 seed (or even some 3 seeds). I just don’t see it happening against this Florida State squad.

3 Texas Tech vs 6 Buffalo: Both of these teams are sized fairly evenly across the board and play similarly. Both grind defensively and let their multiple guards on the floor carry them. One team has a potential Top 5 pick in Jarrett Culver; the other doesn’t. I’m taking him to carry Tech to a victory.

2 Michigan vs 10 Florida: These two teams are similar as well. Both teams are stout defensively, but leave more to be desired offensively, to put it kindly. Without Moe Wagner (at least someone knew how to use him right), the Wolverines have been more reliant on their guards to create with less spacing. Swaggy Jordan Poole made arguably the biggest shot of the tournament last year with his halfcourt buzzer beater against Houston, so if he gets hot, all things are off. But I like the way Florida executed offensively in the SEC Tournament against Arkansas, LSU and Auburn. Think this will be another low scoring affair, and that Florida will find a way to squeak out a close one to get to the Sweet 16.

SWEET 16

1 Gonzaga vs 4 Florida State: It’s all about matchups. Gonzaga has arguably the best frontcourt in the country, headlined by future potential lottery picks Rui Hachimura and Brandon Clarke, along with Killian Tillie coming off the bench. So no problem, they’ll just plow through Florida State, right? Not so fast, my friends. Florida State is one of the few teams that can match up with the Zags, with ACC 6th man of the year Mfiondu Kabengele (here’s a drinking game for ya: take a sip every time it gets mentioned he’s a nephew of Dikembe Mutombo), 7’4” goliath Christ Koumadje, Phil Cofer and Raiquan Gray. Yeah, Leonard Hamilton’s team has depth for days (side note: you all realize Leonard Hamilton is *only* 70 years old? He’s 22 months younger than Coach K. It truly is amazing). We already talked about FSU’s guard play, so let’s talk about the Zags’. It was a little alarming to see Zach Norvell Jr. and Josh Perkins look shook in their championship game vs St. Mary’s. They’re going to need solid play from Perkins and scoring from Norvell to pull this off. I think FSU can match up with them and out-gun their perimeter play. I’m taking Florida State to move on to the Elite 8.

3 Texas Tech vs 10 Florida: I think this is where Florida’s lack of scoring will come back to haunt them. Texas Tech can defend just as well as Michigan and has a little more of a scoring and shooting punch. I’m taking Jarrett Culver to get the Red Raiders back into the Elite 8.

ELITE 8

3 Texas Tech vs 4 Florida State: Florida State has guards and size. Texas Tech doesn’t quite have the number of them FSU does, but they have enough in Tariq Owens, Deshawn Corprew and Norense Odiase. I think Tech has more shooting and star power to get past Florida State. I already am looking for property on Culver Island. I’m banking on him to carry Tech on a big time run, and think he’ll follow through. Tech to the Final 4.

FINAL 4

1 Duke vs 3 Texas Tech: These two already met in Madison Square Garden where James Dolan wasn’t throwing fans out for pointing his gross incompetence. Culver can go toe-to-toe with either RJ or Reddish, but (I hope you’re sensing a theme) I’m not sure they have a match for Zion. Tre Jones can pressure Tech’s guards as well and come up with the scrappy 50-50 balls Tech lives off of. I think Duke moves on to the championship game.

1 Virginia vs 1 North Carolina: These two teams met in the regular season and Virginia won in Chapel Hill. I think De’Andre Hunter proves to be the difference and Virginia moves on to the championship game.

CHAMPIONSHIP

1 Duke vs 1 Virginia: Duke isn’t a great shooting team (and it come into play as to whether or not they actually make it this far), but Kentucky isn’t either. I think Tre Jones and Cam Reddish will be big factors slowing down Jerome and Guy. While it is hard to beat a team three times in a row, it isn’t impossible. Virginia doesn’t quite have an answer for Zion and Duke’s athleticism, and I think that leads Duke to another championship.

So there you have it. It took me basically two days to write this, a shit ton of words and little research looking up guys I’ve never heard of and will likely forget the second they will be eliminated all for Duke to lose in the Sweet 16 (an outcome I surely wouldn’t mind either!). Thanks for reading this everybody. Hopefully I’ll look at least decently smart three weeks from now.

#ncaa tournament #basketball #College Basketball #Duke #North Carolina #Texas Tech #Kentucky #Virginia

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parentingguide8-blog · 5 years

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5 Well-Meaning Rules New Parents Will See Blown To Hell

New Post has been published on https://parentinguideto.com/must-see/5-well-meaning-rules-new-parents-will-see-blown-to-hell/

5 Well-Meaning Rules New Parents Will See Blown To Hell

We’ve talked before about lies parents swear they’ll never tell their kids but end up telling anyway because kids are so easy to lie to. But what about more sympathetic victims, the parents themselves? Parents tell themselves lies all the time — I know because I am one, and am as mind-bogglingly self-delusional a person as they come.

Join me, won’t you, on a trip through the shadowy fields of self-deception.

I Won’t Let My Kid Do …

You’ve got an idea about what it means to be a functioning human being, and the kind of behaviors that are acceptable or not for your kid to display. You might be wrong, but that’s beside the point; your kid sure won’t know, and you’ve got the legal and moral responsibility to impress that shit on them anyways. Which means when you see your kids demonstrating those unacceptable behaviors, you’ll put a stop to it. No hitting your brother, no throwing books, no seizing the means of production. Simple, right?

Why You’re Lying To Yourself

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The problem with that is it’s not enough to correct a child’s behavior once. They’re not smart like a robot or a carp or anything. I would estimate, based on my own experience raising two damned rambunctious boys, that it takes one thousand fucking corrections for them to understand not to do something. They will seize the means of production so many times no matter how often I tell them not to, I need that. The process is so long and exhausting that you don’t even really notice when it’s over; by the time they finally learn whatever lesson you’ve been trying to teach them, you’ll be enraged by whatever new thing they’re fucking up. Speaking ancient, forbidden tongues or whatever.

Anyways, because it takes so long, and their disobedience will occasionally catch you at a moment of complete exhaustion, you will sometimes let it slide. A threatened punishment becomes an angry stare becomes a collapse into the couch. This is bad, the kind of inconsistent pattern which confuses your kids and breeds terrorism. But being tired is actually worse, so … this’ll happen.

Just don’t kid yourself in advance is my main advice. On some days your child will be a shitlord and you’ll be basically OK with it.

I Won’t Let It Affect My …

Some of my friends had kids before I did, and I always felt really happy seeing them out doing regular-people activities with the rest of us after they had kids. Drinking beers and yelling and such. “Good for them,” I’d whisper to myself. “Even with kids, you still gotta live your regular life. I’m gonna do that too when my time comes to pass from the realm of regular people.” And then everyone would look at me strangely and yell and I’d go home.

Almost every new or prospective parent seems to do this, because it just sounds so reasonable. How hard could it possibly be to incorporate your kids into your old hobbies?

Why You’re Lying To Yourself

Hahahahahhaha, no.

First, here’s what’s going to happen to the time you used to use for your regular activities. Your kids will consume 95 percent of what you previously considered free time, and also about 40 percent of the time you’d previously dedicated to activities like grooming and sleep, and then another 85 percent of time that didn’t even exist until you had kids. This probably depends on the age of kids — mine I think are still getting younger? — but for a good long while, imagine you have about 10 percent of the free time you once had. That won’t be too far off.

Now, that’s not nothing! You can still do fun regular-person activities with that time, or find ways to fold your kids into those activities. But you won’t be able to do a lot of it. Watching entire seasons of television will seem incredibly exotic. The movie industry will leave you behind like a rotting corpse (are zombie movies still big? I sincerely don’t know.) If drinking beer and yelling is important to you, you’ll still do that; but you’ll be home before seven, or only do it twice a year, or almost never steal a cop’s gun anymore.

There’s a bigger issue beyond just time. Regular-people activities will simply be less attractive to you in a way that’s hard to understand before you become a parent. You will be entirely happy spending days on end reading very short books and fighting about underpants. Ok, not happy, just con- no, it’s not content either. It’s something though. Huh.

Huh.

I think this is called Love but I can’t claim to have reviewed all the literature on the subject, seeing as I haven’t read a book more than 12 pages long in a couple years. Let’s put a pin in Love for now though.

I’ll Feed Them Nothing But …

I’m fairly easy-going about diets; left to my own devices, I eat a bit like a raccoon. But even I understand the importance of healthy habits. You set your kid up with a good foundation, and they’ll grow up big and strong and one day destroy you. It’s what every parent dreams.

So in my house we tend to give the kids fruits, veggies, grains. Not too much sugar. Only fair trade snake blood. And because kids are little habit sponges, this has to be a whole-family thing; I have to lead by example. I try not to shotgun cans of coke around them anymore at least.

I do that in the toilet, like my father before me.

Why You’re Lying To Yourself

Have I mentioned the exhaustion yet? FOLKS, IT’S A FACTOR, FOLKS. Because you’ll be working and parenting a solid 63 hours a day, and pizza tastes so good and it’s so easy, yeah, your grand plans about diets and home-cooked meals every day will occasionally evaporate.

In truth, this is kind of a broad category, because it can apply to so many decisions you make about how you’ll raise your kid. The amount of screentime they get, or active play they’re forced to do, or length of time they can wear pajamas; you’ve got well-founded ideas about what’s reasonable or legal for all of those things, and you will cave the fuck in on at least one of them nearly every day, simply because children are relentless and you’re fat and slow from all the pizza.

I guess the main thing is to do the best you can, and maybe get the pizza company to block your calls. And stop beating yourself up so much. Parenting’s tough. Because of that, you truly mean it when you say …

I Won’t Judge Other Parents And Their Kids

As you get into parenting a bit and realize just how damned hard it is, you’ll develop a lot more sympathy for other parents. A screaming child in a restaurant is a mild annoyance to most of the customers, but it’s only the latest in a day of grievous emotional wounds for his or her parents. And if you happen to witness this during one of the rare serene moments you get with your own kids, you’ll swear to yourself not to ever judge or look down on another parent’s failings again.

Why You’re Lying To Yourself

You will judge the shit out of every parent you see. The parents who give their kids way too much sugar are deadbeats, but the ones who don’t give their kids enough sugars are bound-up assholes. The parents who let their kids climb up the slide, or the parents who don’t let their kids climb up the slide — one of these groups will irritate you out of your actual skin. The parents who take their kids to nice restaurants are monsters, but so are the parents who take their kids to breweries.

I take my kids to breweries all the time, actually. It’s fine. They’re cool.

The breweries, that is. The kids aren’t too cool yet.

The problem is that every decision another parent makes which isn’t identical to yours is effectively a refutation of your parenting techniques. It suggests this person doesn’t think you are raising your kids the right way. Can you believe they implied that? About MY delightful boys?

Vayse, Cromwell, put down your sugar right now. We’re going to the brewery.

I Won’t Become My Mother/Father

Even if you have a good relationship with your parents, you’re still probably a little resistant to the idea of actually becoming one of them. It just feels wrong — for all their qualities, they are clearly the least cool people on Earth. As we become teenagers, a huge part of how we define ourselves is on how we differ from our parents. We’ll pride ourselves on our differences and say to ourselves, “I’m not going to wear socks with sandals,” or, “I’m going to understand how text messages work,” or “I’m not going to be able to afford a house.” Things like that.

And for many years, we’re right. We’re not like our parents! We do cool things like drink beers and yell. And even if that trails off a bit when we have kids, there’s no way we’d actually become them. Right?

Why You’re Lying To Yourself

Parenting involves a lot of situations you’re not going to foresee, things no parenting book or nature documentary about baby penguins will prepare you for. Small things, mainly, and not even bad ones. Like what you’ll say or do when your kid makes something cool out of Lego, or throws some food against the wall, or praises ISIS. You will find that in these unexpected situations your immediate, instinctive reaction will spookily mirror whatever your parents did with you. You’ll catch yourself giving the same nicknames or praise your parents gave you, or delivering the same punishments. “Attaboy, tiger,” or climbing up on the counter and jumping down on them just like mom used to.

You weren’t able to see this for most of your adult life to date, having defined yourself by your familiarity with technology, or your deeply sexual nature: aspects you never saw in your own parents. Clearly you were a different person from them! But once your own kids roll along you’ll realize that your very idea of what it means to be a parent comes from one very specific source: your own parents. You are them, and they are you, and you are about to become very, very lame as a result.

You can remain deeply sexual though; that’s fine. They always hid that from you.

Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and if proud of all of you, tiger. As the author of the amazing novels, Freeze/Thaw and Severance he thinks you should definitely go buy both of those now. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.