#might fuck around and try a salt spray idk.

[getbird]

benefits of extremely soft tap water: no mineral deposits on my glasses or kettle; tastes good to drink

drawbacks of extremely soft tap water: FLAT HAIR. FLAT. GREASY. UNKEMPT

#UGH when my hair was curly i LOVED the soft water it made my hair smoother #then i hit 30 and my hair devolved to 2b waves at best. and i look GREASY. CONSTANTLY #help my hair needs minerals it needs crunch #might fuck around and try a salt spray idk. #you smell of decayed syllables

[writing-in-april]

Origins

Spencer Reid x Gender Neutral Reader

Summary: Reader feels homesick after a particularly gruesome case. Spencer can’t buy a plane ticket, but he can try to help recreate part of home with them.

A/N: hey heyyyy- this is my eighth fic for my 30 fics in 30 days for April- I’m very nervous for this one to be honest- idk if it’s going to be a lot of peoples cup of tea- this one had me researching a lot lol since I have no clue about boats at all lol- I hope I did the request at least a bit of justice (sorry in advance if I fuck up any terms or anything) but I think I did pretty well with my research (I think). I originally got the request from @imagining-in-the-margins when she handed it over to me also thanks for some help on the folklore parts too! Here it is-

I always want to hear from you guys so feel free to drop me an ask here- and hopefully y’all enjoy!!

Warnings: ~disclaimer lol I know nothing about boating~ Anyway into the other warnings- Takes place directly after season 3 episode 8 (Lucky with Floyd Feylinn) Spencer gets really fucking sea sick- poor baby, Reader is from overseas (originally Cornwall in the request but I made it a bit more vague) and Reader’s father is a fisherman

Main Masterlist Word Count: 1.8k

The air that floated around whenever I was out on the water, salty sea water or fresh salt water always seemed to breath life back into my lungs. The river that we were boating on was quite salty near its widest point, tides brought the saltwater in to mix with the fresh making the water quite brackish.

I was lucky to still live somewhat near water after I had moved over to America. I hadn’t had the luxury of picking exactly where I was going to live and work when I transferred to the FBI, I just happened to draw all the right cards. With my schedule I didn’t go out on the water as much as I used to, definitely not as often as I had as a child. I yearned often to feel the specific type of air people only felt when on the water, especially when my job got particularly gruesome.

Gruesome was a way to define the last case my team and I had been brought in to investigate. My stomach churned at the thought of our last unsub, his name couldn’t leave my mind and the images of his heinous acts certainly didn’t leave either. Floyd Feylinn Ferell had been his name, though I wished I could forever scrub it from my memory. His crimes were too vile that everything seemed to trigger a memory, specifically of the frozen corpses.

The team had even noticed how affected I was by the case, often sending me worrying looks whenever it looked like blood drained from my face over sheer shock- just like the corpses. Cases had been gruesome before, sure, but there was something about this one made me feel frozen by fear.

I needed air, and not just any old air.

Homesickness was another factor that was making me feel so ill. I hadn’t been back to my home in so long, the only time I spoke with my father was over the phone, no video chats at all. He was just as technophobic as Spencer, maybe even more so to be honest. My father’s life as a fisherman hadn’t made him exceptionally tech savvy. He did know how to work a phone now thanks to you, which was another similarity to him and Spencer. I had helped Spencer learn how to work his new smartphone just last week.

Spencer, my lovely boyfriend of a few months, wanted to help quell my dark thoughts as best as he could with all of his knowledge. His first solution was to always revert to books, which I didn’t mind, it only made him more special to me. He tried to find books that would remind me of home- and get my mind off of gruesome cases that were closed and shut cases.

Hotch had then suggested the team take a day off, just one. After weeks of back to back cases with little to no reprieve we’d finally get some time alone, even if it was only for a day. All I needed was one day to get on the water and cleanse myself of the negative thoughts I had been feeling lately.

It was actually Spencer that had first suggested this excursion. He had come to one of our dates with his arms full of pamphlets all about renting a boat for the day. He also had definitely read up about boats, I’d expect nothing less of Spencer. I had learned it was his way of subtly showing affection, researching anything that I even was passively interested in.

Spencer packed even more than I did when we set off on the day long date, packing to the brim at least one too many bags- to be honest he packed two too many bags.

Once we had gotten the boat out into the water, the relief was almost instant. It was like my body knew I was home. I wasn’t actually at home of course, but it somehow knew I was near the water again. Honestly, Spencer hadn’t been far off when he called me a mermaid on one of our first dates, I had gone on a ramble about my love for it.

The water wasn’t nearly as clear as where I had grown up, much more dull in my opinion. But, the breeze that danced across my skin as well as the water made me feel more at home then I had been in a long time. After letting the mist spray onto my cheeks for a while I looked over to check on Spencer, who was not doing well by the looks of it.

Spencer’s face was twisted up in a grimace, not used to being in a boat. Until I had asked him a few weeks ago, to make sure it would be safe to go out on the water with him, I hadn’t even been sure he could swim. I also wasn’t that surprised that he had this reaction, it would have been less of a problem if it was a boat that I had picked out and bought. But, I’d take what I’d get if only to be by the water.

He pretended to hide his urge to dry heave over the side of the small boat that I had rented for the weekend. He looked almost green at this point, I knew he was only staying for my benefit at this point making me a tad bit sad. Water definitely seemed to have the opposite effect on Spencer compared to me, being on the water always felt like instant relaxation to me.

I still, however, didn’t want him to feel any major discomfort like he was obviously feeling so I decided to pipe up since he wouldn’t tell me himself, “Are you sure you’re ok enough to stay, Spencer?”

He pulled his life vest around himself as tight as he could while crossing his arms around his stomach. It took him a second to answer and in that time I almost started to turn the boat around back to the bay.

“I’m fine!” He squeaked out and I could see a shiver run through him. If I had offered to turn the boat around he’d most definitely have given me a glare, not wanting me to turn it around for his own sake. I squinted my eyes in suspicion, he was not completely fine obviously, but if he was insistent on staying maybe I could find something to distract him from it.

“Do you want to hear a sea shanty or do you want me to tell a regular story?” I asked out into the wind, thinking that might distract him from his nausea.

“A story, but you can’t call them regular stories.” He teased back as well as he could with the urge to dry heave, as if he didn’t know what I had meant. I scooted a little closer to him before I prepared myself to tell my story.

Selkies were always the ones I started out with whenever I told the stories I had grown up with. Despite its dark undertones I had latched onto the story as a child, finding it similar to the mainstream perception of what mermaids were. Though I’m reality seals that could transform into humans were a far cry from mainstream ideas of mermaids, a Merrow would have been a better comparison.

I always gave Spencer the origins of the story, he liked to know exactly where they had come from and how I had heard about the story in the first place, “As you know by now the folklore about Selkie’s originates from Scotland. Well- let me think about what I haven’t told you about Selkies before…” I pondered for a moment before remembering an aspect of the Selkies powers I hadn’t educated Spencer on yet. There was no doubt in my mind that he probably had all this information stored away in his brain somewhere, it was nice to know that someone genuinely cared about the stories I liked to tell. “Selkies are immortal, but they can be killed by other creatures. And I know I’ve told you that part, but I haven’t told you that they are generally killed by sharks when they are in seal form.”

I then went into the whole lore surrounding Selkie’s immortality. My hands were waving around animatedly as I talked, just like how the small waves were rocking our boat. They had definitely calmed down by now, hopefully Spencer would feel better soon.

Once I finished my tale I beamed over at him, my mood had brightened significantly over this trip, even though I could sense that Spencer’s had not. Though the story might have helped, he seemed a little less sickly now. He then managed to ask again without puking, “Could you tell another story? Maybe about the Kelpies? Or the Pixies of Cornwall? You can pick anything though really, I love listening to your stories.”

My heart swelled enough from his words that I thought it might burst. I wouldn’t have expected anything less of Spencer, he always hunted for more knowledge about things he was maybe more ignorant about compared to other topics.

I opted to then tell him about the Kelpies, who were also water dwelling creatures, before moving onto the pixies. He even seemed to be getting attached to the same stories that you favored as a child, and even as an adult.

I looked over at him as I finished my last little bit of information that I felt I could muster up today. A smile filled with fondness crept onto my face, his fluffy hair strewn about. It was cute despite his lingering sea sickness.

His face was remarkably less green now, my stories must have soothed him which made me feel heat run to my cheeks. Each time Spencer took interest in my origins I felt deeper feelings bubbling up, that were more than what we had expressed yet. Instead of voicing my full feelings just yet, I leaned forward to give him a chaste kiss on the forehead. He may have not looked green anymore, but I’d wait to give him a kiss on the lips until after we got back to shore, just in case something was to happen.

“Can you sing now?” I knew that he was not requesting me to sing any silly old song. He wanted me to sing the sea shantys that my father had taught me as a child. Not that I minded his request, I’d do anything to make him happier and I loved singing them anyway.

I smiled brightly as I guided the boat back to shore while I sang, already feeling lighter. It had not just been the water this time that made me feel better, it was also because of Spencer. He had taken so much care to help me feel more connected with home, loving to learn about your origins.

Ask Me Anything

—-

Tag lists (message me if you want to be added):

All works: @shotarosleftpinky @oreogutz @90spumkin @kyra-morningstar @s1utformgg @takeyourleap-of-faith I’m sorry 😭

All MGG characters: @muffin-cup @willowrose99

Spencer Reid/CM: @calm-and-doctor @destiny-tsukino @safertokiss @slutforthegubes @onlyhereforthefanfics @jareauswifey

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid fluff #criminal minds x reader #matthew gray gubler x reader #matthew gray gubler fluff #matthew gray gubler #mgg #mgg x reader #criminal minds #30 fics in 30 days

[jeongvision]

Lmao YEAH I bought Coffee Break because of Johnny I— I simp so hard 🥲 like just... idk I had a damn MOMENT where my lizard brain took over LOLOLOL I think it was after watching the JohnJae Baristas JCC episode too which is even more embarrassing 🤠🤠🤠

Peony and Blush Suede is SO lovely and I feel so flirty and feminine when I use it BUT I will say for my body chemistry, I NEED to use the body crème on my wrists and collarbone and then spray the cologne over those areas for it to sink in and last, I’ve always had a hard time with the lasting power of fragrance on my skin tho.

So, today I went out to do errands and get some testing done (I’m starting a new job in a month that requires moving across the country for a bit and so I’m getting Covid tested like eight times before the fly me out). Started by going to Sephora and spraying the two Tom Ford fragrances I wanted to try on my skin, one on each arm— Bitter Peach (look I have a Thing™ for Aquarius men) and Lost Cherry (my personal aesthetic preference based on the association I have with the fruit and the color red). I then went and did my testing and some other errands, and let the scents settle with my body chemistry, kept tally of which arm I was learning to smell more. Ended up getting Lost Cherry and I want to CRY because it smells SO good on me and I have a very hard time getting fragrance to last on me. I’m so pleased.

And then I was walking through Nordstrom and they have a Le Labo counter at mine and I was just looking because I honestly don’t know much about the brand, so, curious! And then the counter manager asked if I needed help and I was looking to see if they had a few scents (all the ones I was looking at were from different idols bc idk gotta start somewhere for recommendations??? Anyways,,,)

She sprayed testers for me of like six or seven fragrances and the last one I smelled I. Had such a strong reaction to that I just, lizard brained and decided to buy it too 😭 I ended up getting Neroli 36, not remembering who’s scent it was that I had it on my list from and just rnsjfjnrnf it’s sO GOOD???? For context, I have grown up always around the ocean, so the sea salt notes really just hit something deep in me and that’s what made me cave

AnywyS IGHHHDHF I am so just. In love. With these fragrances. I scream. These fuck ass luxury brands ARE actually worth the hype and I’m so mad that capitalism works 😭😭😭

SKSKKS yeah i had a feeling it was the johnjae barista episode that made you buy coffee break HAHHA

ouuu yeah one of my anons said using vaseline before putting on perfumes help make the scents last longer! so it might not be you but the fragrance itself not having last power

omg i wanted to try out the bitter peach how was that one?? my friend told me her review but i wanna know others too uwuu and i had my eye on lost cherry too but a lot of the reviews say the lasting power is very weak but smells SO good :( sad times

LMFKAKJFKD YOU BOUGHT JAEHYUN’S LE LABO SCENT WITHOUT KNOWING IT WAS HIS AAAAAAH it was destined to happen 💕 i’m not a big fan of le labo scents tbh bc they’re all very strong. after it settles it does smell much better, but still not a fan. but i’m glad that you enjoyed them! and i also grew up and still live near a beach so i get what you mean haha

“these fuck ass luxury brands” PFFFT HAHAHAHHAA I LOVE IT HAHAHAHA you’re so funny omg i really enjoyed reading your ask 🥴🥴

#em.msgs #saebyeog-i #hehehe

[stardewitagain]

It is time!!!

I’ve finally emptied out the inbox! And because it’s around the time for religious excuses to miss work and school winter celebrations, I’ve made y’all a gift of my own! I have a list of weird things I’ve said/heard over the years and thought “hey wouldn’t it be funny if I did a ‘stardew characters as these’ thing?” So here it is! ALL stardew characters as weird things I’ve heard! Happy holidays, kiddos!

(Note: all characters are sorted by alphabet)

Abigail: my dad slept through it all cuz he’s a bitch

Alex: I hit myself in the face with a dog earlier. It wasn't my dog.

Bouncer: He’s six years old he’s lived his life

Caroline: Do you want to shit fucking tide pods?

Clint: He says “happy birthday! Here’s your gift!” And hands me his half eaten poptart

Dwarf: ...and then just beats him with a trash can

Demetrius: Do your nipples need glasses too?

Elliott: If there’s a wasp you’ll see me do the most beautiful rain dance you’ve ever seen to get away from it

Elliott’s crab: Bandit One-Nipple

Emily: Ooh who she? She purty! Oh wait that’s me- (bonus: ...and it ended with her wearing 20 shirts, 7 pairs of skinny jeans, and 5 potatoes.)

Evelyn: My dog smells like concentrated grandma

Farmer: I am only emotionally prepared to give you a pineapple

George: Oh Jesus I forgot about the sausages (bonus: oh great, I got special arthritis!)

Gil: It’s hard to work with hairy metal

Governor: Stard

Grandpa: I thought you said “I have the coolest drugs in the world” and I was like “yes you do, Alec”

Gunther: I didn’t forget horses, they are just pants

Gus: i don’t even know where north dakota is, is it the beans?

Haley: Would I give you cooties for being a lesbian?

Harvey: ^ idk, it might cancel out because we’re both gay

Henchman: I'll throw a pineapple so quick you'll think you've been shot

Jas: Mom, will you hand me a chicken tender by putting it between my toes?

Jodi: I like how you just came in here and looked us in the eyes like you didn’t just spray half a can of whipped cream into a taco shell (bonus: YOU DONT PUT SODA IN A BURRITO)

Kent: I’d like to think that was the moment when [Jodi]’s mom looked at me and said “I hope that guy dates my daughter someday. That guy who’s wearing 100 shirts and eating yogurt.”

Krobus: Dinner time does not account for cannibalism, please don’t kill each other

Leah: I’m a hipster today, would you like to ask about my vegan Prius

Lewis: Diet Coke tastes like bandaids and mashed potatoes

Linus: Do not look at me or I will die

Marlon: These are our TVs and our tater tots and they’re not having either one

Marnie: We named one of our dodos “Emergency Chicken Thighs” and he’s stuck floating in mid air and we don’t know how to get him down

Maru: (trying to remember the word for therapist) “hang on...it’s not a booty call...”

Morris: That’s what rich people smell like: pickles and salt (bonus: “what’s this smell?” “The greed of the rich.”)

Mr. Qi: it’s rock o’clock

Pam: Yes but I only have no hands

Penny: Do not make me turn this library around

Pierre: There’s not enough butter on the rolls until your house is on fire

Robin: put the feet in the trash

Sam: “We need a garbage hole...what else would you call it?” “...a trash can?” “...I forgot that’s a word” (bonus: you wrote a bible! For the garbage hole!)

Sandy: “That’s what they call me in the club” “Large patch of sand?”

Sebastian: God nerfed me by making me queer (bonus: everyone knows motorcycles are a gateway to gay)

Shane: It’s like riding a bike: you try it once, crash into a tree, and never do it again

Traveling Cart Merchant: The best I can get is barbecue toothpaste

Vincent: It's got hooves. But it's a cat. But it's a dog. But it's on fire. And it's got horns. (Bonus: Be prepared for an Oreo to fall out of your bed)

Willy: You might like getting choked but turtles don’t so keep your FUCKIN plastic out of the ocean

Witch: I’m gonna steal Jesus cheese

Wizard: I’m minding my own business, you should try it (bonus: The lgbt community came from a rainbow bird the size of a giraffe)

Thanks and credit to @just-yelling-dark-vengeance and @kennysbog for most of the things on this list!

#let me know if i missed any! #i am also fully prepared to explain any of these #stardew valley #stardew sebastian #stardew sam #stardew shane #stardew harvey #stardew elliott #stardew alex #stardew abigail #stardew emily #stardew haley #stardew penny #stardew leah #stardew maru #stardew krobus #stardew wizard #stardew caroline #stardew pierre #stardew clint #stardew gunther #stardew kent #stardew jodi #stardew jas #stardew vincent #stardew lewis #stardew linus #stardew robin #stardew demetrius #stardew willy

[jerrychos-blog]

Joke’s On You

Request: Oh man! Could you do something about a low key prank war that gradually comes to involve the entire bullpen at DPD that Connor, the reader, and Hank try to avoid getting caught up in, but one by one, they get caught up in it no matter how badly they each try to resist. Connor might be the last one caught up in it because he doesn’t get it at first, idk. But if you want to do this, you could either do a fic or a headcannon thing for this if you want, it doesn’t matter!

Pairing: Platonic Connor x Reader

Word Count: 1498

a/n: i hope this is what you wanted!! i had a lot of fun writing this, so thanks for being my first request!!

***

It had all started with a harmless little joke. Gavin had asked Officer Chen to grab him a coffee as she made her way to the break room. She added a bit of salt to it, despite knowing that Gavin Reed takes his coffee very fucking seriously. An unsuspecting Gavin had taken a nice, big sip of the drink, spitting it out all over his desk when the taste hit him.

Gavin soon got his revenge on Chen, and Officer Brown had caught wind of the two jokes. He pulled a prank on Officer Miller, and soon the four had a mini prank war of sorts going on. Eventually other officers in the station had seen or heard of a prank and joined in, more and more people slowly becoming victim to the jokes.

Now, the whole bullpen was involved in a full on prank war. Well, aside from you, Hank, and Connor. The three of you had tried your hardest for the past month to stay out of the war, and each day brought on new challenges. Today in particular was not a good one for Hank.

The lieutenant had barely slept the night before, and the lack of sleep cost him. He had started off the morning with a rigged chair. He neglected to check his computer chair before sitting in it, so when he sat down to start typing up a report of the case from the previous night, a piercing air horn had rang through the station. Startled, Hank had fallen out of his chair, hitting the ground hard. Now fully awake and incredibly grumpy, he ripped the airhorn from under his chair and started on his work.

The rest of the day had gone just as horribly for Hank, with just about everyone in on the pranks pitching in something in an attempt to pull the lieutenant in. The last straw was when he returned from a call to find his entire desk covered in bright pink post-it notes.

“Oh for fuck’s sake, if you wanted me in ‘yer stupid fuckin’ prank war so bad, you should’ve just asked!” he yelled, slamming a hand on his desk. Grumbling curses, he began removing the post-its from his desk.

You had been in the break room, discussing the findings from the scene with Connor when the outburst happened.

“Well, I guess it’s just you and me, Connor,” you sighed, a small smile creeping onto your face at the sight of Hank, half covered in pink post-it notes.

“I’m going to be honest detective,” the android responded, “I don’t quite get the point of this ‘prank war’. There’s no benefit to making your coworkers angry at you, and it seems like a lot of effort for a small outcome. Is it really worth it?”

“Did you see the look on Hank’s face this morning when he sat down? Priceless!” you giggled at the thought.

“That still doesn’t explain why people participate in things like this.”

“Honestly, it’s just to have a little bit of fun. Yeah people get a little pissy when a prank is played on them, but they’re able to laugh about it later.”

“I suppose I have noticed an overall happier atmosphere in the station lately.”

“You’re over analyzing things Connor,” you say, patting his shoulder before heading back towards the pen to gather your things. “Just pay attention tomorrow and you’ll see what I mean.”

***

Fortunately, it wasn’t hard to pay attention to the pranks today, as everyone now had their attention focused on you. You had arrived at the station early for your shift, immediately getting to work and starting research on your next case. You’d been working for a few hours as the station filled up, and Officer Person had offered to grab you a coffee. Without thinking, you told her that’d be great and went on with your research.

Person returned with your coffee, setting it down next to you. You nodded your thanks, too focused on your work to properly look at the cup. You gulped it down, and a look somewhere between disgust and confusion spread across your face before you ran to the bathroom, nearly vomiting from the straight shot of creamer you had swallowed.

You were wary of everyone for the rest of the day, and as much as you hated to admit it, you really, really wanted to get Person back for fucking with your coffee. Much like Gavin, you took your coffee very seriously. A few minor pranks were played on you during the day, but none of them mattered. You had already decided on revenge. But first, you needed to get Connor in on the war somehow. As you finished up your work for the day, you called out to no one in particular.

“Guess who’s in on the prank war now, you got me. Sorry Connor, you’re on your own from now on.” You shot a wink at said android, grabbing your bag and heading out for the night.

***

You arrived at the station the next morning with a big grin plastered on your face. You had hatched up the perfect plan to get Connor involved in the prank war last night, and it consisted of whip cream and- you hoped- a lot of embarrassment. You checked in and made your way to the bullpen, dropping your things at your desk and heading into the break room for a coffee.

The rest of the morning was pretty dull, small pranks being pulled here and there, but nothing too serious. You had continued your research from yesterday, constantly keeping note of how many people were in the station: you wanted an audience. Lunchtime rolled around, and when everyone seemed to have returned from their breaks, you decided it was the perfect time to pull your prank.

You reached into your bag, pulling out a paper plate and some whip cream, spraying it onto the plate as quietly as possible. You hid the plate behind your back and approached Connor, holding back the grin that threatened to show.

“Connor? Can you c’mere for a second, I need to tell you something,” you asked, refusing to meet his gaze. He tilted his head at the request, but complied, slowly walking towards you.

“This is uh, a little embarrassing, and I don’t know how to tell you this but… I like you.”

Connor blinked at you, tilting his head again.

“Well I would hope so, Y/N. We’re partners, and it may hinder the investigation if we didn’t get along. I like you too.”

“No, Connor, I don’t think you understand,” you had the attention of almost everyone in the bullpen by now, your plan was working perfectly. “I mean to say that I have feelings for you. I want to be more than friends.”

“Oh…” Now all eyes were on you, the confession had worked. You were about to ask your next question, but Connor interrupted.

“I must admit, I feel the same way, Y/N,” he takes a step closer to you. “I often find that you take over my thoughts, you’re rather… distracting.”

Your mouth drops at this. This wasn’t part of the plan, and while you’re caught off guard, Connor absolutely covers you in an entire can of silly string.

“Hah! I just pranked you! It was a prank, Y/N! See, I used a shocking sentence to surprise you, and then I sprayed you with silly string! Pranked!”

You look down at the ground, taking a deep breath.

“I-I’m sorry Y/N, did I do something wrong? It was my understanding this is how-” you cut the android off by shoving the plate of whip cream in his face, making sure to rub it in a bit before removing it.

A grin spreads across your face, and Connor smiles as well, letting out a quiet chuckle before full on laughing. This makes you giggle a bit too, and soon you’re both in a heap on the floor of the bullpen, a laughing mess. When you both calm down a bit, you nudge his shoulder, and he turns to look at you, a big grin still plastered on his face.

“You definitely caught me off guard, I’ll give you that, but you definitely need to step your prank game up, Con.”

“I could say the same to you, Y/N.”

“For the record, I was taking it easy on you because I didn’t know how you’d react. Obviously, I could’ve started off with something a lot more intense.”

Connor snickers, and wipes some of the whip cream from his face onto yours. You shake your head and stand up, offering him a hand. He takes it and you help him up, pulling him close for a moment to whisper to him.

“Wanna help me get back at Person for fucking with my coffee?”

He glances towards the officer in question, a smug grin on his face.

“What’s the plan, Y/N?”

#dbh connor x reader #connor x reader #detroit become human #dbh fanfic #dbh

[foundcarcosa]

cccxxxii.

Do you want your last ex to be happy, even if it means not being with you? >> Phoenix? I mean, I don’t wish ill upon him. He didn’t give me enough of a chance to love him, so I don’t have any stronger desires for him. If you have a smartphone, what’s the last app you downloaded? What about the last app you uninstalled? >> Shazam was the last I downloaded, and Dissidia was the last I uninstalled (it was just taking up too much space). If you were a straight member of the opposite sex, who are some celebrities you think you’d have a thing for? >> I mean, my attraction isn’t gender-locked, so I imagine it’d be the same women I think are cute now. Have you ever dyed your own hair? How did it turn out? >> Yeah. It turned out all right. Right-handed or left-handed? >> Right.

What is the wallpaper on your cellphone? >> The lock screen is a fan-made Dark Tower movie poster. The home screen is an art of Rustin Cohle that I found on tumblr. (So, basically, my phone is on some real Matthew McConaughey shit. As usual.) Does your first, middle, and last spell something? >> My initials? LFD... Left For Dead? God, I hope not. (Left 4 Dead is a great franchise, though...) Favorite TV channel? >> Hm. What is your least favorite breed of dog? >> Hm. In your opinion, are leggings appropriate to wear as pants? >> Sure, who cares. Have you ever had a teacher that also taught your parents? >> No. Is there any alcohol in the fridge? >> Yeah, there’s still some of the Svedka left, and there’s Sparrow’s last spiked Arnold Palmer. The rest of the booze is here in my room with me. Do you hate it when people smoke around you? >> Not unless they’re obnoxious about it. What do you want for your birthday? >> Well, my birthday just passed, so. Who is the most inappropriate person you know? >> Hm. Who in your phone has a heart after their name? >> No one. After breaking up, what’s the worst? >> I don’t know, that depends on the breakup. Do you have a second mom? >> I don’t even have a first. When was the hardest time in your life? What made it so hard & how did you overcome it? >> Hm.

How do you relieve stress? >> Stubbornness. I don’t have many specific coping skills for it. When you die do you want to have a funeral service? Why or why not? >> That’s up to the people responsible for my body after I’ve vacated it. I’m under no illusions that I require a say in what happens. What is your opinion on capital punishment? >> I don’t really care either way. What period of history was your favorite to learn about? If you don’t like history, what is your favorite thing to learn about? >> I’m not sure I have a specific favourite. Obviously ancient Scandinavian history crosses over with other interests of mine, and Hetalia gave me a pretty strong interest in certain aspects of WWII, but mostly I just... like history. Period. Where is your favorite fast food restaurant & what do you order when you go there? >> --- What do you think about smoking in public places? >> I don’t have a blanket opinion about this sort of thing. What’s your favorite cheese? >> Brie, pepper jack, asiago. What’s your favorite type of chocolate? >> Dark chocolate with sea salt and chili peppers. How do you like your steak? >> I don’t. What’s the last time you ate something you’d picked in the wild? >> I don’t think I’ve ever gotten a chance to do that. Arrange the following in order of preference: Pineapple, Orange, Apple, Strawberry, Cherry, Watermelon, Banana. >> Cherry, strawberry, apple, watermelon, pineapple, orange, banana. What is your opinion on “God?” >> That’s far too general a question for me. The word itself isn’t anything particular for me, and as far as my personal beliefs are concerned, I vacillate from panentheistic to polytheistic to both at the same time to neither almost daily. I don’t think specific religious paradigms suit me. As strange as it might sound, I feel much more comfortable believing in all at once. What is your favorite Christmas movie? >> It’s a Wonderful Life. Who are the three most important people in your life? >> Can Calah, Sparrow, Hallie. Why did you go to the doctor the last time you went? >> A checkup. What is your favorite boy band? >> Hm. What is your favorite Beatles song? >> I guess Hey Jude, I don’t know, I don’t really care for the Beatles in general. What is your favorite type of bird? >> Raven...?  What is something you hate, but wish you loved? >> Hmm. If you could profoundly release anxiety’s grip on one area of your life what would it be? >> Death. What’s the cutest thing your SO does, but denies it’s cute in any way? >> I don’t know, they don’t seem to deny anything like this Are you smiling in your Facebook profile picture? >> No. Does it irritate you when people go on and on about how amazing their boyfriend/girlfriend is? >> No. But, I mean, in a conversational sense, I’d be a little confused at how to proceed. What do I say to that, lmao... If you wear eye shadow, do you put on a dark color or a light? >> I don’t really have a preference. It’s been a while.

What do you believe in the most? >> Hm. What do you avoid like the plague? >> The plague. Hrnk. What is your main goal of the year? >> Hm. Do you listen to music while you drive? >> --- Waffle cone or bowl? >> Waffle cone, but maybe I should transition to bowls. Cones stress me out. Do you like video games? Why? >> I love them. They’re another form of storytelling, and I just enjoy playing them (the ones I play, I mean. not all video games). Do you take selfies with those animal filters? >> Sometimes. What book will you NOT read? >> IDK. What YouTube channel can you not stand to watch? >> --- Do you like big, normal or small glasses? >> Normal? How do you feel about colored contacts? >> I like them. It’s just difficult to wear them because my eyes are already sensitive. Is pregnancy beautiful? >> In a gruesome sort of way. Do you dance at weddings/parties or are you shy? >> I dance when I feel like dancing. Are you kind to animals at all times? >> Not all the time, no. Have you ever been bitten by an animal really hard? >> No. Do you trust dogs? >> I suppose? I mean, trust them to... do what? Act like themselves? Sure. Do you trust cats? >> See above. What stereotype do you fall into the best? >> I don’t know. Do you have to take stairs or an elevator to get to your house? >> There are two flights of stairs to this apartment. Have you ever seen a pelican in real life? >> I don’t think so. Do you carry pepper spray with you? >> No. Name three sites you have been bullied on. >> I’ve not been bullied on the internet. Yet, I suppose. Has there ever been a fire inside your house? Tell me the story. >> No. Have you ever had a scary encounter with a wild animal? >> No. Have you ever had a emergency surgery? >> No. Do you think your hair looks better natural or dyed? >> It looks fine either way. What’s one thing that makes your stomach hurt? >> Hmm. If you had kids, would you take them to Disney World? >> I don’t know. It seems like such a busy and hectic place. Hell, I’m not even entirely sure I want to go. Like, I do, but also... the sensory overload......... What unnatural hair color looks best on you? >> Hm. What is your least favorite pizza place? >> --- What is the name of your first pet? >> Roxie. What is your favorite fairytale? >> The Snow Queen, probably. Have you ever suffered a fracture? >> No. What countries would you like to visit? >> I don’t feel like making a list, lol. A lot of them. Had a serious surgery? >> No. Gotten stitches? >> Yes. Bitten someone? >> Yes. Would you ever cosplay? >> Sure. How slowly or quickly would you say you eat? >> Moderately? I don’t know. Have you ever drank from a real coconut? >> No. Do you have bird feeders hanging up outside? What about any hanging plants? >> No. If you were poor, living on the streets, & had no family to aid you, would you take up a job offer to work in a slaughterhouse? >> In general, I would not work at a slaughterhouse. Too messy for the likes of me. Have you ever had a grandparent come live with you? >> No. Do you keep your fortunes from fortune cookies? >> No. When you walk into your bedroom, is the light switch on the right side or the left side of the door? >> Left side. Who makes the majority of the food for Thanksgiving in your family? >> --- Does your house have a real chimney? >> No. If you had to endure one natural disaster (i.e. hurricane, tornado, etc), what would you pick and why? >> Hm. How did you learn to ride a bicycle? >> My father taught me. If you want any tattoos or piercings, what’s next on your list? >> I don’t have a list. Are you good at understanding baby talk? >> No, lol. I don’t bother trying to understand it, I just respond back whatever way comes to me. What was the last movie that you saw in the theaters? >> Infinity War. *grimace* Can you do a hand stand? >> No. If you could, you would go to the moon? >> Sure. Do you like candy canes? >> Some kinds. Have you ever gotten in trouble at school for wearing revealing clothes? >> No. Have you ever seriously thought about getting plastic surgery? >> No. Do you prefer your jeans normal or ripped? >> Either is fine. Have you ever actually woken up screaming because of a nightmare? >> No. Have you watched Breaking Bad? >> No. Have you ever been skating? >> Roller skating, yes. Do you feel comfortable singing in front of others? >> Yeah. Used to do it for fun on Monday nights. I miss Arlene’s... Name four favorite fast food restaurants & what you usually order at each one. >> Hmm. Name four favorite sit down restaurants & what you usually order at each one. >> Hrm. Would you say you’re more close-minded or open-minded? Is there anyone in your family or group of friends you’d consider close-minded? If so, does it ever bother you? >> I’m more open-minded than close-minded, but even I have my limits. I don’t know about anyone else. What is the most fucked up movie you’ve seen? Why? >> Probably A Serbian Film. Why? Because that’s literally the kind of movie it was made to be -- as fucked up as possible. It’s the whole gimmick. When it’s time to dress up for a special occasion, are you more likely to wear a dress, a skirt, or dress pants? >> Hm. If you eat oatmeal, do you add water or milk to it? What is your favorite flavor? >> Milk. I like brown sugar and maple. Have you ever been brave enough to cut your hair in a very different way? If you have, did you regret your decision after? >> Uh, I guess. I don’t consider it brave, it’s just fuckin hair. How attractive is a girl is a suit? How attractive is a guy in a dress? >> Both are fine. What does your dad do? >> He’s retired. Are your fingers long, or short? >> Longish. Are you allergic to any dogs? >> No. Have you ever used an epi pen? >> No. What is the meaning of your first name? >> Logan means “little hollow”.

Did you toss your hat in the air at graduation? >> No. Does it usually take you awhile to recover from illnesses? >> No. Would you rather get married outside or inside? >> Er. Do you put your elbows on the table when you eat? Do you think it’s rude? >> I put them on the table if I feel like it. I don’t think it’s rude because I’ve never been given reason to believe in that. Is you hair color the same as it was when you were a baby? >> I don’t know, I guess so? What are your thoughts on mini-skirts or mini-dresses? >> What sort of thoughts am I possibly expected to have?? It’s just fucking clothing oh my god lmao Have you ever died in one of your dreams? >> Yeah, and I got stuck on the Wheel. Which is tastier: fruity gum or minty gum? >> I prefer minty gum. Be honest, have you ever bullied anybody? Who was it? >> Not to my knowledge. What was the mascot at your elementary school? >> Hm. What is one romantic movie that you enjoy enough to watch more than once? >> Love Actually. Have you ever had a significant other NOT believe you when you said “i love you” to them? Why was that? How did you react? >> I don’t think so. Is there a band logo you would get tattooed on yourself? >> The Coheed and Cambria one, probably. If you had a baby, would you want to have it at home or in a hospital? >> In the hospital. Unless they could bring the drugs and machines to me.

What was the last thing you ordered online? >> I don’t recall. What’s your favorite planet? >> Mercury and Saturn.

What are three things that fascinate you? >> Theoretical astrophysics, chaos magic, anthropology. Have you ever suffered from an eating disorder? >> No. Do you enjoy doing yoga? >> Not really. Have you ever had to do a class in summer school? >> No. Have you ever had fondue? >> No. Have you ever taken photos in a photobooth? >> Once. If you have a dog, do you walk it regularly? >> --- Do porcelain dolls scare you? >> No. Which is worse, Teletubbies or Boohbas? >> Boohbas are the superior ones. Would you ever consider getting a tattoo on the inside of your bottom lip? >> No. Do you like to play air hockey? >> Sometimes. Have you ever been in a castle? >> Bishop’s Castle, which was pretty fuckin cool. Are you a lightweight when it comes to alcohol? >> No. Do you like tacos? >> Sure.  

#surveysofsamedi #surveys

[notdeadjack]

How do i take care od my shoes so they last?

CARING FOR YOUR SHOES 101

source: me. i'm a reparative cobbler. i literally do this for a living.ok so you have a pair of shoes of decent quality that fits (or crappy quality shoes that you wanna eek out every last bit of mileage out of in pure spite) and now you have to care for them like a doting parent, but how the fuck are you supposed to do that?? it's not as much of a production as most online how-to's makes it seem:

regular leather: if you're a dirty bitch or one of them people who likes running around in mud for no real reason, remove the excess dirt with a cloth or a soft brush. only use a little water as a last resort. if there's only regular dust and wear, just give them a quick wipe down with a cloth or something idk.apply a thin layer of cream shoe polish (Saphir creme surfine/deluxe is an excellent shoe polish and i highly recommend it. use incolore which has no colour pigments if you can't find the right shade, the shoes have multiple colours or a patina that you wanna keep or if they're brand spanking new and haven't lost any colour). allow it to dry in for like ten minutes before you polish with a cotton cloth (or an old t-shirt or a sock. it's not that important really).

suede/nubuck: remove dust and dirt gently with a suede brush (or one of them nail brushes), spray with waterproofing spray. done. use spray with colour pigments if they look sad and faded. 

do these simple steps as often as you can stand, but try to do it at the very least once a month, preferably every other week. you can never do it too often tbh.

more shoe care tips, materials and products underneath the cut!

other materials:  

spray textile with waterproofing spray. won't actually proof anything but will makes them easier to keep clean. 

syntethic materials won’t accept any help from no shoe care products and will crack or break whenever it damn well feel like it. you can put shoe polish on the fake leather tho, just to make them look nice.

patent leather and such won't absorb any products cause the leather is covered with a thin layer of plastic, but there's special products for keeping them clean and shiny. a moist cloth tends to leave spots bc mineral residues and stuff in the water. do NOT use sour milk or other dairy products on your patent leather

white rubber soles can be maintained by simply wiping them off with a moist cloth when you get home. if really dirty, wash or take to a cobbler to wash.

rubber boots can do with some grease or oil tbh. will help prevent them from drying out. 

oiled leather/nubuck tho. there's special products for these. check the labels but grease or oil spray usually does the trick.

but what about all the other stuff? like, the grease/fat/oil, the waterproofing, the washing and The Removal of The Laces™ that all the how-to's talk about?honestly, those things are often excessive and here's why:

washing: unless your shoes are actually dirty (partied too hard and spilled a drink or olive oil on them, large amounts of mud that can't be wiped off, water or salt stains etc), you don't have to wash them. water isn't good for the leather, dries it out so... only do it if you absolutely have to? preferably, take them to a professional and have them do it.

leather grease/fat/oil: honestly, this stuff IS good for the leather and you should use it. but there is such a thing as too much and y'all have no idea how many times i've had to wash a pair of shoes because the owner used too much too often and now there's clogging and fat and dust piled up at the seams like an abandoned butter factory and the shoes just look miserable. apply a thin layer and allow to dry before you apply shoe polish a few times a year. before and after putting your shoes into storage for the season, if they look and feel dry or if you wear them year round, put some on every other or third month. always BEFORE the polish.

waterproofing aka the thing every single shoe store employee tells you to do and it makes me wanna scream every time i hear it: only necessary for suede and nubuck shoes (and usable on textile, as mentioned above). seriously.  

a)waterproofing your shoes won't actually make them waterproof, will only help suede to repel the stray water droplet so that it doesn't soak in. won’t help when it’s pouring down.b) proper shoe polish contains wax (is what makes shine when polished) that will protect the leather from water in the same way. adding the spray on top of that is pointless.c) can actually ruin your polish work, make it all matte and occasionally even leave stains, discolour or trap dust.d) is sold as a “fix all” for lazy people to use on all of their shoes regardless of material. fixes nothing. don’t bother unless suede.

removing the laces before polishing: ??? you don't have to? you can work around them. i mean, if you're doing a full care with grease and stuff, it might be easier to remove them but that's up to you. you might get some polish on them but unless you have light or brightly coloured laces it doesn’t hurt them. do exchange them if they break tho. (if they break easily, there might be a sharp edge that rubs at them or, and this is the most likely, you don't unlace properly before forcing your feet into your shoes. the laces take a lot of stress, be nice to them!)

other shoe care products:

wax: such as Kiwi Parade Gloss, Saphir Mirror Gloss etc. a hard-ish bit of wax product that comes in a flat tin. is used to acquire high shine on leather shoes (think spit shine). doesn't actually do that much for the shoe except shine and repel some water. a must for dress shoes but should preferably only be used on the toe cap since it can build up in seams and, if applied the bits that moves a lot, can "crack". it's not damaging to the leather but looks scruffy af. apply with one of them tiny brushes you see in shoe care stores or with a sponge/cloth. polish with a cloth, lamb wool polish glove or a horse hair brush.

fisherman grease: are you a fisherman? no? then don't use it.

quick shine or self shine: do not. contains silicone and shit that won't be absorbed by the leather and won't dry. looks amazing when fresh but will attract dust and turn matte within minutes. shit product designed to appeal to your laziness and take your money while giving you a false sense of accomplishment. seriously, if you're good with the shoe polish, all you need is a a quick rub with a cloth (or the sleeve of your shirt, back of your pant leg) to revive the shine. yes i am a little bitter about the existence of quick shine products,

mink oil: mostly used by old people and hipsters who buy into the whole "the old way is the best way". i highly advice you not to. mink oil is too good at keeping the leather soft. can easily make your shoe leather yucky soft and floppy, the shoe loses shape and turn into a sad, sagging lump. can also discolour the leather (usually into an unsightly green). only use a little if the shoe is drier than the sahara desert.

leather balm/renovateur: technically not the same but has the same usage area. generally too light for shoes but is excellent for other leather goods like jackets, bags and gloves. used the same as shoe polish: apply thin layer, let dry, polish with cloth. redo as often as you can be arsed but at least once or twice a year i mean come on, give your favourite leather bag or jacket some love!

shoe trees: please? do use. preferably made out of cedar. can be expensive but will last you a life time. they will absorb the moisture from your shoes after wear and help them retain their shape (see those creases right at the bend behind your toes? yeah, those will always show up but shoe trees will help minimize them). you can get buy with just one pair, just stick them into which ever pair you wore last. it's highly recommended that you let your shoes dry completely and rest between each use. having two pairs of shoes that you alternate between is good enough.

if you're gonna store your shoes and can't afford buying shoe trees to all your pairs, you can just stuff them with paper or bits of a foam mattress or something, just to help them keep their shape. the ones that has a metal spring in the middle and a ball at the end should be used with caution and only for a day or so at the time, since the spring loaded ball (heh) puts constant pressure on the back piece of the shoe and can actually push it out which is bad and also ugly.oh! and if your knee high boots have zippers, do make sure that zipper is straight when not worn. use a boot tree, a rolled up news paper or a stick a plastic bottle in them. just so that they don’t fold over and put stress on the zipper.

shoe deodorizer: if your shoes are leather with a leather lining and leather inner sole (AND YOU WEAR SOCKS! seriously, please always wear socks or hose or something inside your shoes at all times. or your foot sweat, dead skin and dirt will build up inside your shoes and it is Gross™), they honestly won't smell much at all. deo is unnecessary (unless you have some kind of affliction which makes your foot sweat super powered, which some people actually have and i feel for them). synthetic and fabric shoes are satan when it comes to foot odour and all you can do really is make sure to wear clean socks and change the inner sole as often as possible.

the washing machine: PLEASE. DO NOT PUT YOUR SHOES IN THE WASHING MACHINE! no, not even your converse hi-tops. seriously. all shoes are glued more or less excessively, and the heat and water will make the glue unstick and your shoes will fall apart quicker. take them to a cobbler for a wash if they're really dirty.

and finally: inspect your shoes. if you spot a seam coming out, or the sole unsticking on the inner left or the heel piece is worn down: take them to a reparative cobbler asap. do NOT try to fix it yourself (you can actually make them ten times harder or even impossible to fix). most things that breaks on leather products can actually be fixed, but the longer you let it go without addressing the damage, the worse it will get and the more expensive it will be to fix. expect to spend about half the purchase price on maintaining your shoes at a cobbler. more if they're your favourites and fit like a dream. 

do try to find a good cobbler, some are absolute hacks that can ruin your shoes. if you live in a big city, go to the finer parts of town and accost a rich person and ask what cobbler shop they go to. they usually have a favourite cobbler that they remain loyal to/cling to desperately. instagram and/or facebook can also be a good place to check.

craftsmen in europe has journeyman or master "letters" (basically diplomas) that they can only acquire after they've worked in the profession for a certain amount of time and can prove that they're skilled in various parts of the job. you can ask if they have one and if they do, they're probably not completely unskilled.

rule of thumb is if the cobbler also does dry cleaning, seamstress work, plumbing and a hundred other vaguely connected things, chance is high that they aren't as good. this is largely dependent on country tho so... use your common sense.

also, don't bother with chains (such as mr minit) and those that offer quick jobs. doing a job properly takes time and care. rushing generally leads to lower quality work, as with everything. it’s up to you tho.

aaand i think that's about it!

i'll post a guide on how to buy good quality shoes that fit later, but until then, if you have any further questions, or want specific shoe or leather care advice my ask is always open and i'm happy to help :D

#shoe care 101 #ask the cobbler #Anonymous