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gettin-bi-bi-bi · 3 years

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self harm tw

this might come out like a vent thing but i have no queer friends to talk to and am too scared to make friends

i (f17) have been thinking that i might be bi for over 2 yrs now and am very very very paranoid about people finding out about it and recently read comp het and a few things related to it and i think i might be a lesbian but this just hit me like a fucking truck and just i CANNOT be a lesbian i can't even say it out loud tho i couldn't do it with bisexuality too but i don't want to be gay i want to be straight and all of this is just crushing me so bad i have my exams amd school work pending, I'm failing my classes, i used to self harm like a year ago and stopped after 3 4 months i think but i am back at it and it's worse this time.....i have no one to talk to coz i am also very shy and even my best friend is being distant or is just saying ok whenever i try to talk to her about this which i understandable as she is straight and doesn't get what I'm feeling like and it's a lot and i know this will sound super dumb but i tried to "become" straight like i unfollowed every queer acc and scraped every rainbow colored thing in my room i started trying to limit myself in any way and make sure i don't act "gay"(dress wise behaviour wise etc) and i cannot do it i just can't happen to change it and it's only been 4-5 days.......i don't want to be gay, if i were straight i would have never self harmed or did as badly i am doing in school rn and like it's my final yr and the marks matter and just i don't know; i don't even know what i expect you to reply to this honestly

im sorry if this is a lot to unload on you

You cannot “become” straight. That’s literally why conversion therapy doesn’t work. It’s impossible. Your sexual oriantation isn’t something you have any control over. It’s just what it is. It might change naturally but you cannot ~make it~ change. Because sexual orientation isn’t sticking a bunch of rainbows to your bedroom wall (or scraping them off). It’s whom you are attracted to - that’s not something anyone can control.

And that’s a fact you have to learn to accept because otherwise you won’t ever be able to move past this. You are what you are. Whether that’s bi or gay or some other shade of queer remains to be seen, I guess. But you cannot just force yourself to be straight and trying so will only make your mental health worse because you will keep failing at it. Because it is impossible.

You gotta learn to accept that you are queer. And in order to do so I recommend the exact opposite of what you’ve been doing. Follow more queer accounts. Slab all those rainbows back on! Read up on queer history. Try to talk to people about it - if you can’t do that offline then do it online. Find queer friends on tumblr or join a queer discord server. Show to yourself that you are not alone.

And as for your mental health and self-harm: if you have access to it then pls think about getting professional help from a queer-friendly therapist or some kind of queer counselling. Ask google if there is a queer resource center in your country or your specific area that you can contact to ask for help and guidance. They might be able to refer you to people and resources that can help. Other than that, try to find less dangerous coping mechanisms by looking for alternatives to self-harm.

Just like you cannot will yourself to magically be straight you cannot just make your mental health better over night. It’s gonna take time and energy. It isn’t a cake-walk for some people. And that’s still okay because it’s worth it in the end. Also, keep in mind that you are going through all of this in the middle of a global pandemic - which for me as a 31yo is already mindblowingly tough on my mental health. I can only imagine what it’s like for teenagers to go through this right now on top of the regular teenage struggles AND on top of figuring out one’s queerness. You might think it doesn’t have anything to do with your struggle at school and your queerness but everything’s connected, kiddo. For people who are prone to isolate themselves (which you basically said you are, being shy and all) this pandemic situation can really strengthen that character trait for the worse. So please try to reach out to people. I’m proud you’re already doing so by messaging us. But try to keep doing that. Talk to people as much as you can and don’t shy away from asking for help.

You might currently not like being queer. But you are. And you gotta make your peace with that. So take a deep breathe, accept that your queerness is something you cannot change and then take your baby steps towards being okay with it. And then going from “okay” to actually loving it. it might take a while but it’s worth it. You are worth it!

Maddie

#Anonymous

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