#maybe. idk. maybe the duty and martyrs complex is right tho

[soldier-poet-king]

Well bit the bullet and forewarned my parents about the tattoo appt so I don't just show up one day with it, but took the cowards way out and did it while they're out of town and won't be back til Friday so I don't have to face the ire as my mother cools down

#franposting #my nonna on the other hand. im just. i dont think im gonna say anything at all tbh #it just. is what it is. #maybe putting art i have craved for so long on my body #is a way of learning to inhabit myself. of autonomy. of seeing myself as a person #not just like. a use made for a specific end #yes telos has a place but also maybe my telos isnt just to exist and burn myself up for every other person's whim #out of a sense of a guilt and an apology for my own existence #maybe. idk. maybe the duty and martyrs complex is right tho #idk. idk. been thinking a lot about family lately and how everything mostly just hurts. #the good days are just. neutral. theyre good by virtue of not being actively bad #but im realizing i genuinely dont know how to care for people or relate to people properly and its just. well. hm. #that sure is a thing im gonna have to live with for the rest of my life #i feel odd and unsettled and offputting even to myself. alas. #honestly work being unfulfilling and boring is part of the problem #without concrete clear and interesting goals and tasks i lose direction and fall apart #i need to be focused on things and tasks or else I'll die. or navel gaze my way into solipsism