#maladaptiveness maybe but that isnt the focus of this thing

[livinwa]

I have recently learned that I don't have an original experience, under the guise that each day I prove to be more and more nerodivergent as time passes by and the question of "am i really? Maybe I'm just attention seeking" just sort if becomes a denial rather than a question.

Here's a bunch of things I think are signs and or could be debunked but I need opinions ti be able to figure myself out and stuff, so maybe enjoy the drama and stuff???

1. I thought I was able to look people in the eyes, no I'm not, not unless I'm comfortable with that person and/or the situation is like really awkward then I actually physically can't look at them in the FACE.

2. My jacket. The thing my avatar has, its my comfort item. One night I couldn't stop crying and had the thought "put the jacket on" and I did and I ended up being able to finally calm down and breath despite the tears not stopping. I felt safe.

3. Headphones. Once more another comfort item. I dont like leaving anywhere without them. Their as much as a trademark as my jacket and blue jeans.

4. Speaking of blue jeans (this could also be a self esteem thing I dont have a high ar on that) I don't like wearing certain clothes outside nor do I like wearing certain clothes to sleep or in my bed. My preferred fashion senses have always pertained to what I loved to wear and feel on my skin (let it be known I had a navy blue jacket at all times like this one sort of that I outgrew in middle school and a different jacket that held my special interest on it)

5. Speaking of special interests, TRANSFORMERS. that shit took over my life so fast you'd think that I was driving a nasa car with the way I dove headfirst into making that bitch an extraterrestrial. And while of course I grew out of things transformers is ALWAYS THERE and NEVER GOING AWAY no matter how much I dont talk about it with other people (that's what this blog is for)

6. Sensory shit. I dont care what something smells like I am going to get a whiff. Smells bad? Okay let me make sure. Smells good? I'm following it like a cartoon character ti a white steam trail. The only time I dont like a smell is when its so strong it literally makes me gag. I like smells but don't mix and match and crank it to eleven (also sugar cookies and cigarettes dont mix at all) this also goes for biting. I bite. So much.

7. Sensory OVERLOADS. I HAVE HAD TBOSE BEFORE APPARENTLY. Though absolutely they are rare. Is there a spectrum to how people deal with sensory overloads? I don't know and thats why I'm asking questions. I would be doing the dishes and the waters running the forks are clanging and the kids are screaming and the one little guy that I hate (sibling) is repeating the same phrase over and over in the most annoying way possible and I just can't take it anymore so I shut myself down to forcefully finish this task because I know what's going to happen if I don't and eventually in a groggy something something morning voice I tell him to shut the fuck up and it helps. If he listens.

8. For as long as I've known, I love food. And I have recently known, food equals a pattern in household. Not only food but the day has a type of pattern as well, and it directly connects to the type of food too. In simple terms so I don't spill guts along with blood, to little, irritable, find other ways to find needed things, a lot, the days okay and conversations light.

9. I have come to the epiphany that eggs are my comfort food. It doesn't matter how their made most of the time I will eat eggs in nearly any form I have LITERALLY had a daily/weekly limit to how many eggs i make a day forced onto me because eggs are too expensive.

10. I cant remember shit but most importantly I cant remember where I put items sometimes almost immedietly after I either set it down or look at something that has relative importance. I have forgotten I put my pencil in my backpack literal seconds after I put it in there, and mutual can attest to my lack of remembering exactly what I said unless it had great importance or funny capacity.

11. I have been stimming for as long as I have known and before I knew what stimming even was. Flappy hands and unusual sounds. I liked the sound of a whistle so much I ended up creating my own verbal stim that I used to this day. (Learned how to whistle a year later)

12. Masking. From what I was exposed to and understand its basically the ability to put on a mask and different facade for the general public compared to what was within, until 6th grade I actually barely had freinds (was really nice, had no/2 enemies in my life(very weird one was a literal frenemy)) and often was just walking around until I played games with others because those had rules and didn't involve too much small talk and I was happy to play in those games. But that was it. Then in 6th grade I gained the facade of happy and chill guy that never really got sad, the works.

This is not all but enjoy the blood sweat and tears of this... whole thing. I'm confused im tired and I'm simply trying to figure things out.

#nerudivergent #nerudivergancy #adhd #maybe #probably may delete later #autism too? #theres a lot of things #maladaptiveness maybe but that isnt the focus of this thing #idk man #theres a lot of personal stuff im not putting in here for personal reasons but i may make stuff on it later #theres also the specific things that can happen in specific conditions that arent trauma related that is actually pretty funny #like sleep patterns. #sleep in class and only in freinds cars comfortably outside of my bed #lwd to some funny things

[swampgallows]

dude maybe i have add, i dunno, adhd, or something. these like... dissociative spells and distractions are becoming too much and im not sleeping at night (not like i ever have lmfao but) i dunno, i feel like my brain isnt staying in my head

i dont know if i have to reduce my level of multitasking or what, but then i get dissociated when i dont have enough stimuli. i cant focus on things that i even want to do (maybe due to too many distractions again? im not sure) and i feel like i either hyperfocus on things or become instantly distracted. my living space is pretty chaotic in every facet but even at work (extremely spacious, generally quiet, etc) i feel like my mind is in hyperdrive. even on tumblr sometimes i feel like... manic, like i cant get to the content fast enough, like im reblogging ‘too much’ or i refresh my feed like a zillion times expecting who knows what, just a kind of compulsion that i need to do it, like ‘i need more content right away’. i felt like that when i was reading War Crimes even though it was a very shitty book and extremely boring (maybe that’s why?), i think the word i used was “voracious”. hungry for content and feeling unsatisfied. it felt like i was eating the book, like i wanted to tear every page out after i read it to check it off, like to put it in a “done” pile. it felt like a task i absolutely had to complete

then sometimes (to a point that it was present on my recent performance review at work) i become “inward directed and not communicative" and fall quiet, and i know i have these ‘moods’ (theyre more like an absence of a mood, really) and im not really sure why i have them or what causes them. when they’re happening, i feel like i am very disengaged (dissociated, again); like i have dropped out of the Thing that everybody is part of and fallen to the sidelines, or like im not part of my own body or related in any way to the people around me, etc. times like that are when i want to just walk away and keep walking, thinking maybe i’ll stumble upon myself again. usually during those times i want to cry but i usually cant. i havent been able to cry for a long time.

i dont know if it’s depression. it doesnt seem like depression to me, and i’ve never been diagnosed with depression (though my mother and brother have). this is all very vague so i apologize, it just seems like a grab bag of “symptoms” at this point, as it were, so i’m not sure how to summarize it. but it’s really bothering me, it’s affecting my work (both my day job and my art/djing), that everything feels like it’s happening too fast yet it doesn’t feel like enough is happening at the same time.

also my maladaptive daydreaming has gotten very bad, but i dont really feel comfortable going into detail about that. i havent been having nightmares (or sleeping much at all, honestly) so maybe that’s part of it too.

suggestions/input are appreciated. input is always appreciated. i seemingly can’t get enough.

#blathering