#making me mad depressed will I overcome this or will I level a city we shall see ☝️

[tomatoart]

doodles from last year..r these guys stupid?

#resident evil 4 #leon kennedy #luis serra #re4 #resident evil 4 remake #ashley graham #queue are lovley #no new art sorry I will not lie this art block is driving me soooo … 🚶‍♂️ #making me mad depressed will I overcome this or will I level a city we shall see ☝️

[beneaththetangles]

Reader’s Corner: Silver Spoon, Solo Leveling, and the Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya

Solo Leveling, Vol. 1 (novel)

The immensely popular webtoon, Solo Leveling, features a basic premise about a young man rising from the lowest of ranks of “hunting” to become incredibly strong. It’s most appreciated for its art, so the question is, if the story is mundane, does it’s forerunner, which lacks any illustrations, hold up? It does—surprisingly well. Volume one of Chugong’s novel series, originally published on the web and now being released by Yen Press, traces the story of Level-E ranked hunter, Jin-Woo, in mesmerizing detail as he “levels up” following an experience that should have lead to his demise. That opening is only one of a number of violent but engaging episodes in the novel, which also relies heavily on descriptions of game-like mechanics. As the rare anime fan that isn’t a gamer, my eyes usually glaze over such details, but Chugong’s vivid but spare descriptions kept me engaged, as the protagonist moves quickly along his journey, which still, is well structured, even if his characterization if less developed. That’s both a flaw of the series and a point of question: Is Jin-woo’s desire for “Money, honor, and power” meant to be admired, glossed over, or criticized? I’m not yet sure, and I wonder if Jin-Woo’s moral development will become a significant part of the story beneath the well-crafted verneer of fighting and powering up, which as imaginative as it is, can’t very well carry an entire series—can it? ~ Twwk

Solo Leveling is published by Yen Press, which provided a review copy.

Neon Genesis Evangelion: The Shinji Ikari Raising Project, Vol. 18

I did it (insert GIF of everyone applauding Shinji here). I finally finished reading Neon Genesis Evangelion: The Shinji Ikari Raising Project. And let me tell you something about it: While there are science fiction undertones and references to the original series throughout that give you genuine laughs, by the end, the series is primarily just an ecchi teen romantic comedy with Evangelion characters as window dressing. Every chapter is an opportunity for Shinji to mistakenly trip, fall, and accidentally grope a girl. Every other chapter, by the end, sees a character with exposed breasts—sometimes because of said clusiness, sometimes because the mangaka just decides to draw an extended group bathing scene. This volume gives the final actual reference to an Evangelion, but once again, there’s no actual use of it. This alternate Eva-verse is, in the end, a school harem romance and not a science fiction epic that discusses about real issues like depression. For some, that’s fine. For others, the blatant fanservice will be too much. For me, I am still so very struck by how out of character both Shinji and Gendo act in this series when compared to the original . I guess Yui Ikari being alive really made a huge difference! ~ MDMRN

Neon Genesis Evangelion: The Shinji Ikari Raising Project, Vol. 18 is published by Dark Horse Comics.

The Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya

First released in the U.S. eleven years ago, and originally published in 2004, Yen Press has rereleased The Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya (along with all the others) to coincide with the new Haruhi Suzumiya light novel. After all this time, it holds up surprisingly well, and in fact perhaps takes on more meaning now in the booming light novel industry as a series that—as with the anime—inspired so many of today’s writers. A quick read—it tells just one longer tale instead of several shorter one, coming in at under 200 pages—every sentence is meaningful, every chapter tightly structured, and every emotion hits with precision and sharpness as the series at once returns to an older act, takes the story to new places (and new heights), and brings in questions from the future as Kyon wakes to discover that the SOS Brigade has disbanded, no one has ever hear of a Haruhi Suzumiya, and Asahina and Nagato no longer have their peculiar powers. The volume works so well because it depends on those preceding it, not only for it’s “return to the past” plot but also as it ramps up the nostalgia and emotions in both Kyon and the reader. Everything is predicated on how the reader feels about these characters, leading to a tale that’s simultaneously a love fest for the series and one that is satisfying in its own right. Disappearance proves to be, much like its characters, a light novel that surely is timeless. ~ Twwk

The Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya is published by Yen Press, which provided a review copy.

The Genius Prince’s Guide to Raising a Nation Out of Debt (Hey, How About Treason?), Vol. 1

What we have with this mouthful of a title is a more comedic (and non-isekai) take on the kingdom-running light novel. Prince Wein is appointed regent to run the country of Natra in place of his ailing father, but given how terrible the state of his nation is in financially, he would much rather just sell the country off and run away. Yeah, he’s lazy and a coward. The problem is, he’s also a bit too smart for his own good, and plans that he intend to go towards relieving his workload and avoiding confrontation only make people believe he can totally win wars and bring the country back to greatness. (It helps that the countries trying to deal with Natra have issues of their own…) The result is an amusing read as I had fun seeing Wein pull out plans that work a bit too well and have him suffering from success. I also liked how his relationship with Ninym, his childhood friend and primary aide, is framed in the story both as a teammate that Wein relies on to help run the country, and also a close companion (and love interest) whom he banters with but also trusts deeply and does not tolerate any insults toward her from others. Overall I’m definitely looking forward to reading more from this series and how Wein will continue to help his country more than he might want to. ~ stardf29

The Genius Prince’s Guide to Raising a Nation Out of Debt (Hey, How About Treason?), Vol. 1 is available from Yen Press.

Dragon Head

Dragon Head was a horror manga series I picked up last year from a Kodansha Halloween Humble Bundle. Let me tell you—it is dark, earning its way into that genre heading. The first volume begins with three teenagers trying to survive in an underground subway tunnel after an earthquake event caused its collapse. As the story progresses, and effects on the surface world around them are revealed, the characters discover that the earthquake was no isolated incident but something that struck all of Japan. It is gritty and violent at times. Yet, the overall story and a desire to see how these characters survive kept me reading page after page. I finished the entire 10 volume series in about three days time as I had a hard time putting it down. The ending is is a hard one, and perhaps very fitting for this work, leading readers to consider how widespread the problems that struck and set the events of the series really are. Psychological horror indeed. ~ MDMRN

Dragon Head is published by Kodansha.

Silver Spoon, Vol. 1

With Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood continuing its tear through our annual AniMarch Madness tournament, I turn my attention to the other now-classic work from mangaka Hiromu Arakawa. Silver Spoon, which ended its run in 2019, is a fish out of water tale featuring high school freshman Hachiken, an academic-focused city boy who decides to attend an agricultural high school in Hokkaido. Volume one has fun with his inability to get used to farm life, though it also sensitively looks at his reasons for choosing this high school while showing that even early on, Hachiken is growing, such as when he condescends horses only to be taught how the majestic animals can show the rider a different perspective on life. It doesn’t take long for readers to grow attached to the series characters, like Aikawa, who is the determined to overcome his sensitivity to blood and death to become a veterinarian, and Nishikawa, who loves tractors and mecha. But most of all, Hachiken makes for a compelling character. Like Edward from FMA, Hachiken is easily frustrated but kind and open; it’s lovely to see him already developing among friends so different from what he’s used to, even while seeing him frequently fall (and slowly get back up)—a source of laughter page after page in this wonderful introductory volume. ~ Twwk

Silver Spoon, Vol. 1 is published by Yen Press, which provided a review copy.

#Manga #Light Novels #Solo Leveling #Neon Genesis Evangelion: The Shinji Ikari Raising Project #Shin Seiki Evangelion: Ikari Shinji Ikusei Keikaku #The Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya #Suzumiya Haruhi no Shoushitsu #The Genius Prince’s Guide to Raising a Nation Out of Debt (Hey How About Treason) #Tensai Ouji no Akaji Kokka Saisei Jutsu: Sou da Baikoku Shiyou #Dragon Head #Silver Spoon #Gin no Saji #Reader's Corner #Articles #Author: TWWK #Author: MDMRN #Author: stardf29

[irandrura]

More detailed, spoiler-full thoughts on Xenoblade Chronicles 2:

One of the things that always fascinates me, when I compare JRPGs and WRPGs, is the sorts of conflicts they’re interested in, or the sorts of questions they ask. XC2 is yet another example of a JRPG that asks a question that simply never seems to arise in Western games. That question is: is there an ethical basis for the world’s existence? Is there a justification for the world continuing to be? Is existence, being, even a good thing at all?

XC2 is fascinated by this question, and even by the more narrow questions of “is it a good thing for humans to exist?” or “is it a good thing for people in general to exist?” It takes these questions very seriously, to the extent that characters who firmly conclude “no” are treated as sympathetic antagonists, rather than madmen.

Western games only rarely raise similar questions. Every now and then you get a madman in Fallout who thinks humanity is a scourge and should be replaced by some other race, or the likes of Archaon in Warhammer, who seeks to destroy the world because the gods demand it – but these characters are generally not treated sympathetically, and very little time is spent refuting them. Of course you stop the guy who wants to destroy the human race. What, you need a reason? Here’s one: you’re human, so are people you care about, end of story. There’s not much to engage with there. In the likes of Skyrim, when Arngeir suggests that maybe the right thing to do is to allow the world to be destroyed, the player’s response is incredibly perfunctory. “I like the world. All my stuff is here.” What more could you possibly need?

But justifying existence seems like a more central question to JRPGs. Not only XC2, but if I think back to, say, Final Fantasy X, or Final Fantasy VII, or Final Fantasy VI, or, well, half the games in that entire series, a frankly bizarre amount of time is spent arguing with nihilists who believe that the world and/or the human race should be destroyed, because... um, suffering exists, or the world is meaningless, or people are awful, take your pick.

My usual approach is to just attribute these differences to religion. The West is deeply influenced by the Abrahamic tradition, in which God creates the world and pronounces it good. There can be no real question of whether existence is good or not. To even ask the question is blasphemy. This instinct now seems so deeply-rooted that even atheists, who outwardly reject all religion, just take it as read that existence is a good thing. By contrast, Japan still has a historical Buddhist influence, and Buddhism is much more skeptical of the value of being. If you could destroy samsara... would you? Is the goal of the spiritual life to escape, to obtain release from the shackles of the world? The Buddhist tradition contains significantly greater ambivalence towards the world.

In XC2’s case, I think it’s a little more complicated, because XC2, like XC1, is heavily influenced by Gnosticism. I am far from the first person to suggest a similarity between Christian Gnosticism and Buddhism, of course, but here I think the Christian imagery comes to the fore. Klaus is a demiourgos, the Architect of this world, standing in the place of God despite not being truly divine himself. This flawed creator goes on to let loose his own trinity – Ontos, Logos, and Pneuma; Being, Word, and Spirit – but nonetheless is full of regret, unsure as to the value of the world he has tried to build. God himself is not visible; only this broken man trying to fill in for God. Even he is not convinced of the world’s goodness!

(And while we’re on the topic of Christian imagery, yes, I know, Pyra and Mythra’s core crystal is cross-shaped, and Pyra is symbolically crucified like four times in the plot, it’s not subtle.)

But to step away from religion for a moment and look back at specific characters...

  What drives most of the central characters of XC2 is, initially at least, the desire to cease. Amalthus believes that the world is nothing but a vale of tears, and regards the world with little but hate and disgust. Malos is corrupted by Amalthus’ hate and believes that justice requires the world be destroyed. Jin is driven mad by the cruelty of the world, comes to hate the Architect and seek to destroy him. Even Pyra, our ostensible heroine, wants to reach Elysium in order to beg the Architect for permission to commit suicide and cease to be.

As such, the heart of the story of XC2 is responding to all this with, “No! Life is worth living!”

It seems like such a banal message. If anything, it’s doubly so because the game’s protagonist, Rex, is the most relentlessly optimistic and upbeat person in the world. Rex is the sort of person who’ll respond to all the above with an innocent, “Well, that’s how life is, you know? You’ve gotta take the good with the bad.” He has no darkness in him at all. Even Shulk, who was a total sweetie-pie, was willing to go on a quest to flat-out kill someone for revenge. Rex is truly a beautiful cinnamon roll, too good for this world, too pure. Heck, one of his lines in battle is a completely unironic “We’ll beat them with the power of friendship!”

That’s one of the odd things, for me. Rex himself does not struggle with inner darkness, or with anything I’d recognise as suicidal tendencies or depression. He searches for an answer to justify the world to Malos, but ultimately doesn’t come up with anything more coherent than, “There are wonderful, valuable things in this world, and I believe people can change, and I know that you once believed that too!” This isn’t a story where Rex finds a substantive answer to the question, or one that would satisfy a philosopher. Rather, he ‘solves’ the puzzle through sheer force of will. He ends up convincing the Architect that the world has merit not through anything he says, but through what he does – through his selfless optimism and belief in other people.

Just as Amalthus and Jin concluded the world needs to die not because of philosophy, but because of traumatic personal experience, Rex concludes the world needs to live because of positive, uplifting personal experience. The answer to the dark impulse that would destroy the world is to point to positive relationships within it, even in the lives of the people trying to destroy it: Mikhail and Patroka, or even Jin and Malos, have genuine friendships. (The moment where Malos stops to hug Jin, even as he heads off to destroy the world, is surprisingly touching.)

On one level this really works. It fits surprisingly well with the overall Christian themes: the answer to “why should the world exist?” is “loving relationships”. Pyra’s answer, in fact, is “I love this world because you’re in it.”

On another level, it feels a touch disappointing, if only because it means the climax of the game is just a reiteration of what the player’s been hearing for the past fifty hours: yes, love and friendship and bonds are good things!

Where Xenoblade 2 works, I think for me, is where the specifics of the relationships feel powerful enough to make those clichés feel fresh. The game’s world sets up a number of reasons to despair (the world is slowly dying, the titans are dying, people are warring over the declining and limited resources, etc.) and then sets up a lot of obstacles to relationship (the Blades, immortal, but having their memories wiped every time their closest friends die, feel quite tragic), and then shows love and friendship perpetually overcoming them. The game’s strongest moments are those where, at a point of despair, somehow love saves the day again. Chapter seven stands out here: both the moment where Nia reveals her true identity, and where Rex practically raises Pyra from the dead by standing over her body and talking about how much he believes in her. Naturally, then, the game ends on the emotional high of the entire playable cast flying off into the sunset, looking fond of each other, Pyra and Mythra’s miraculous return, and the closing line: And thus, boy met girl. Like any good love story, it works only if you buy into the characters’ emotions.

 Xenoblade Chronicles 2, summarised: “Should you commit suicide? No, because love.”

Now that said, two other random observations:

In the first Xenoblade, I really disliked the Klaus twist at the end. It felt like it came out of nowhere, required a large exposition dump, and didn’t add much to the plot. For me, the first Xenoblade felt pretty much entirely downhill after the defeat of Metal Face. Xenoblade 2 still has more-or-less the same backstory with Klaus, but here I thought it was contextualised much better and was more effective. The revelation that the Architect is the torn remains of an ancient scientist, trying to rebuild the world from scraps but now half-given up on the whole project as a waste, feels like it fits much better with the world that we explored.

Xenoblade 2’s world always felt somewhat artificial, and from the very start of the game it was evident that there was a previous world before this one. There’s something beneath the Cloud Sea, and whatever it might be, it was evidently once technologically advanced. Making Rex a salvager was a good move to emphasise that, and the way that so much of the world’s economy depends on salvaging the ruins beneath the sea reinforces the sense of the world as being in decay. The Architect is mentioned at the start of the game, so you know that the world was made or at least modified by someone for an unclear purpose, and the World Tree is mysterious enough. So when later in the game you do go below the Cloud Sea and discover the remains of ancient cities, and then find that within the World Tree is an advanced scientific installation, it doesn’t feel like it came out of nowhere. Indeed, the final revelation – that ages ago a scientist accidentally destroyed the world in an experiment, and this is his imperfect attempt to fix it – feels both like a genuine discovery, but also something that, well, makes sense. Of course it was that. Of course! That explains so much about why Alrest is the way it is.

  The second observation is... okay, so, XC1 and XC2 are in continuity, that’s all good. How does XCX fit in, if it does at all? I was a bit disappointed when Klaus’ flashback mentioned ‘Saviorites’ attacking the experimental station. Who are they? I wanted to assume that Klaus’ experiment was some sort of cutting-edge secret research immediately before the Ganglion attacked at the start of XCX. That way the aliens attack and start to destroy the Earth, in a panic Klaus tries to accelerate his experiment, hoping he can use the power of the Conduit to save the world, he screws up and ends up splitting the Earth off into two parallel dimensions, creating the worlds of XC1 and XC2, and meanwhile the survivors of Earth in the home dimension escape on their Ark Ships and go and do XCX. That would fit all three games together pretty elegantly, and Conduit-related weirdness might also help explain what the heck is up with Mira in XCX.

But there doesn’t seem to have been any room left for that, so I guess XCX is a completely different continuity? That just... also contains Nopon, who for some reason have heard of Shulk and the Monado? Who knows?

[cloudjumpervalka]

sometimes and by that i mean a lot of the time, i remember how much elsa means to me as a character. in general she’s very mediocre in comparison to others, but she was there for me when i was hella depressed and she’s like a form of comfort for me now.

i was following the production of frozen for the longest time, let’s say about 5ish years before release? i was excited for it, i was disappointed in the changes made, i refused to believe the original elsa and anna leaked design images were real because they looked so bad, i read the script when it leaked and was mad at the conveluded plot.

but the movie came out during the semester of art school i got severe depression through. i had always dreamed of going to art school and working in the animation industry and i had a single thought that went in my brain a week before the semester started. it said i would never be good /enough/. it kept playing back over and over when i would turn in assignments. i did well in school, but the workload was a lot when you decide to take 3 studio classes at once. i started getting overly picky with what i considered to be good enough in my work and eventually stopped turning in assignments. sometimes i would have them “done” but it wasn’t good enough so i didn’t bother

i was living with my grandparents at the time and locked myself in my room to be alone a bunch. i didn’t socialize in classes and who i considered friends were out of reach. i had just started dating my bf a few months prior and the time zone/distance/etc was a new experience altogether. i was constantly scared i would lose my friends not just to distance but other personal reasons not meant to be shared on tumblr. my grandparents gave me my distance and i just spent a lot of time alone. i remember skyping with dean and staying up all night with him bc i didn’t want to be alone.

i got more depressed over time, i was just sad. i would try to fill the void with buying things i had left at home with my parents. i remember i would drive out to the mall. i would get a pretzel to eat. eat it outside the disney store, maybe buy something after. if not disney merch, i would go buy clothes. i had not been eating much aside from the almost daily pretzel and lost about 40/50 pounds within a span of 3 months. i just thought i was losing weight for walking around the city to go to classes and spent a majority of the money i had saved up over my childhood on clothes that i have never been able to fit in aside from those few months at the end of 2013.

the day the game grumps released that one wind waker episode about dans ocd story was released during this time. i watched that episode and immediately started crying bc i knew i wasn’t okay. i had completely changed in a span of about 2 months at that point. i was sad and didn’t know what to do. i constantly wanted to not exist and spent a lot of the time crying and sleeping and starving myself. i called my mom and asked for help. parents tried helping but they didn’t understand at the time what depression meant on that level. i told them maybe i could handle school better if i dropped one of the 4 classes i had. and of course i dropped the history class and not any of the studios. i made schedules and plans to complete the semester but i still. felt overwhelmed and not good enough and lonely and sad and frustrated at these emotions because i couldn’t just focus like a normal person. i lies to my parents to my grandparents to a lot of people that i was continuing my work but i stopped doing 2 of the remaining 3 classes altogether. ended up with withdraw failures in them.

the last class was my life drawing class. i enjoyed it a lot. i took a train into the city to go to it. i found peace in the hour listening to music to get there. i would talk to dean before he went to bed on my way there and greet him in his mornings when i went home. i thought i could handle it and it was going well. besides for the assignments that were meant to be done at home. we had a final that was meant to be an illustration showing our learned skills in the class in a 24x36in size. not bad at all. i got the paper, had the sketch. i just had to do it. but i didn’t. when i was in that room at my grandparents place i felt nothing but emptiness. so i filled it whatever i could think of

my hyperfixation of things soon moved to the release of frozen. i had followed it previously and was excited to go see it. i had bought the classic dolls for the main characters the day they were released and left them in box in case i didn’t like the movie and wanted to sell them. my immediate family came to visit my grandparents for thanksgiving that year and i asked my mom if we could go see frozen at it’s earliest showing on release day. she agreed because i lied to her saying my figure drawing class had been cancelled for the holidays (it wasn’t bc we were meant to show progress on our finals)

i cried so hard so fast bc whatever i was feeling i felt through elsa. i projected so much onto her and i fell in love. it gave me a second wind. i bought the frozen soundtrack and would sing along to let it go on the way to the train station. i felt like i could overcome my depression as simple as that. but circumstances don’t work like that

i never turned in that final despite it being the assignment where “if u don’t turn it in u fail”.

i dropped out of art school, telling my parents maybe i wasn’t meant for art. i’m not good enough to make it in the industry if i’m like this. i was gonna go home and go to the local state college instead. get a degree in something ... useful.

i left art school with a total gpa of 0.9

elsa is a character that’s just. i never understood the popularity frozen had. it has problems. it’s ... not that great honestly. but elsa stood out for me. she was some sort of proof to me i could be happy.

a lot has happened in the past 4 years, but i can say i’m honestly happy. i have a lot of good things going on. though i think the most important to this story i guess is ?

i’m graduating with my bachelors in art in may. my gpa is back at a 3.6. i took 3 studios classes this semester on top of 2 art history lectures and made it through. i thought so little of myself and my abilities over the years. i never thought i’d graduate college at that point i was at 4 years ago. when i applied to my local uni, i had to appeal to get in because of my low gpa from those 4 semesters of art school. i spent 2 years there not knowing if i even wanted to do art again. but i realized this is something that’s always been a part of me. it’s who i am? and i want to use this talent i had to. make it in the industry. my dream for as long as i can remember is to make media for kids who feel lost and alone. it’s always been my dream and i won’t let anyone or anything keep me from trying my hardest to make it happen, which includes not letting myself stop me.

i don’t know what the future holds but i’m excited to see where it takes me

and it just happens to involve me and my fleeting hyperfixation on elsa asking for the olaf’s frozen adventure limited edition elsa doll for chrismas because i want to say i look at her and think everything i just said

but in reality i just go shheeeees my wiiiiiiiife i looooooove herrrrrrrrr

#jesse writes an essay about their life #i think this is worth it for the last sentence #pls if u wanna know more about me i guess #jesse thoughts

[scribingintothevoid-blog]

Keto Changed My Life

I posted this on reddit, but I will share it here as well as it is my writing for the day.

"Hey all, new here, not new to keto, but after reading the amazing stories here, I just kinda wanted to share mine, being I'm supposed to write something once a day, this is my writing for the day. Back in September, I listened to an interview between Joe Rogan (Comedian) and Maynard James Keenan (Musician/Artist). I mostly listened for Keenan as he is one of my idols. At a part of the interview, they spoke about how Keenan takes care of his health, and spoke about Jiu Jitsu, as well as the Ketogenic Diet and Intermittent Fasting. This was the first I had heard of either of the latter, and this was the start of turning my life around. Rewind to April of last year. I had moved to a new state, changed my name, and quit my job after a year. I was on a course to figure my life out, to hit reset, after a ton of emotional turmoil from the year before. I moved with my gf at the time to her parents house. 2 weeks later, she broke up with me, and moved out of state, leaving me at her parents house as I tried to figure out what to do through depression. Her family was very kind and helpful to me, and it made it easier, but everything hurt, mentally, and because of that, physically. I was diagnosed in 2014 with fibromyalgia, which is also what got me kicked out of the military, and under extreme stress, the pain goes wild. I was out of shape because of the previous job being about 80 hours a week with almost no benefits, I was already depressed because of my grandfather passing the day before my birthday the year prior, and now I was in the middle of nowhere, with a new name, and no one but her family. I found work back in the old job field I was in, and moved to St. Louis, and this is where it all started. I always wanted to get into game development, and by some miracle, this city has a game dev scene. So I started to go, and that was the little tidbit getting me by until that interview above. After that interview, I went to youtube, and found two channels: Thomas Delauer, and What I've Learned. I started marathoning their channels, learning as much as I could from them. On my birthday at the end of September, I enjoyed my last non-diet beers in memory of my grandfather, and decided that October 1st, it begins, I'm going to either figure out everything and take my life back, or I'm going to find a new way to cope. October 1st, I started with a 6 day water fast with a multivitamin. (I also started a social media purge to remove that from my life, and I only go on social media once a month now to post life updates for friends and family.) It started great, but my job exhausted me a lot, so when I had a day off on the third day, I didn't exercise and my body was mad at me, so I got some symptoms on the list to stop the fast, and so I broke it with eggs and a slice or two of ham. The next day, I went to my ex's parents house (still good friends with them) for dinner, and they made keto tacos for me to sort of celebrate. I got home, and I went shopping that night, it was time to stock my fridge. I didn't know how to cook, so this was daunting to me. I had never in my 25 years cooked anything further than basically mac n cheese and grilled cheese. There were a few meals I had cooked with my parents, but that stuff doesn't really stick. But I figured I had to do it, I was living alone and I had to survive somehow, so this was where I would start. The first thing I wanted to learn to make was my favorite food in the world, cheeseburgers. I got lettuce to replace the buns, and started it up. When I finished and bit into it, I legit thought it was one of the best burgers I had had, but the lettuce annoyed me a bit. I then learned how to make my own buns, and started learning all the substitutes, and was just amazed that I literally never needed to stray away, I could eat everything I loved in a healthier form for my life. After this initial point, I realized a lot of things happening without expecting the level of it all. First, my acne started clearing up. It was never horrible, but it always bugged me, and it started vanishing. Then, for the first time in my life, my facial hair came in even instead of just in patches, which made me entertain the idea of growing it out for once, which I have since and I like it a lot. The 20 lbs I had gained from my previous job literally just vanished. It all dissipated, and suddenly when I looked in the mirror, I had muscle tone. My sleep improved dramatically, and even 6 hours was good enough to keep myself going at a good pace. I realized it was easier to go from "I want to do this" to actually doing it, motivation felt easier than ever before. Lastly, I could think again. I wasn't forgetting things anymore, I was able to retain information, complete thoughts, my speaking cleared up, and most important, I could recall even older memories, which was one of the biggest breaking points of me desperately wanting to keep this diet; I realized how badly my ex had gaslit me because I could finally remember everything she used against me out of context of what I actually said. I was finally able to overcome her, and move forward. The funny thing was, it didn't stop from there. This is a long post already, but I'll sum up the last few parts leading up to now. I finally started learning programming and Japanese like I always wanted to. I quit the job I was in and found a better job in my field for the first time in 3 years. I made a ton of new friends in a group that I finally feel like I fit in with. I replaced all of my time wastes into time valuable efforts, even making my gaming time turn into an effort to write for a blog I befriended. I quit drinking almost entirely outside of social events because feeling dehydrated is hell. The last part was the key thing that essentially brought me back to the diet. The holidays are hell on any diet, too much stuff, so much cheating. I decided, being this was the first time in years I could see family for the holidays, I'd cheat for those weeks, anything goes. It actually started slow, but I realized as time went on, my mind fogged, my energy depleted, I was tired, I felt anxious, and the worst part of all, my feet got cold. A common symptom of Fibromyalgia can often be numbness of the feet, or a cold feeling, as well as sensitivity of the skin. In all that time I was in ketosis, I never once realized that my Fibro was almost entirely gone. I didn't go a day with pain for once in my life, and everything else felt so amazing that I got high on it and forgot I even had fibro. My Dad and Step Mom were starting keto because of me, and when I stayed with them for a week, they saw me degenerate like I did, they knew what was up. I got back home, and slammed back into the diet. My feet aren't cold anymore, my pain is gone, my skin isn't sensitive. Everything has gone back. My dad and I agreed that next time, we just aren't cheating, it isn't worth it, it isn't fun, the food isn't better, the life isn't better. The beer is great, as we both love good beer, but we found ways to work around that instead. As of last monday, it has been 5 years since I shipped to basic for the Army. When I started this diet, I hadn't felt as good as I did since that time. Now that I'm home from the holidays, I feel even better than I ever did in or before the Army. I convinced my mom to switch to keto as well next week, and I've got people at my new job all asking me for info now. 5 years ago, I thought my life was screwed because of fibro, because I was disabled at that point. I found herbalism, and it gave me my ability to walk back, but not my ability not feel pain. Keto gave me everything back, every single thing, and even went as far as giving me the power to finally push and learn code, and this month, I'll be making my first game in a game jam in St. Louis. I never believed I'd have this life, but keto helped me get it. I couldn't be more thankful for anything besides the people who loved and supported me through this all. Its been a wild ride this past year, but I'm excited to see where 2018 goes now. If 3 months of 2017 on keto did all of this, well then, lets see what a year allows me to demolish."

[biggy-habes]

We all go a little mad sometimes...

*Before we begin, I will start off by saying that the next few posts on here are going to deal with some pretty sensitive stuff. Depression. Grief. Anger. Hopelessness. But also, it will cover coping and overcoming. Because there is so much to cover, I am going to break this up into several minisodes.  If you are someone who might be in the “Way to Overshare, Asshole” troop, I would recommend that you skip the first couple. But if there is anyone who may be going through a giant shit pie right now, perhaps this will bring a little hope and encouragement to reach out and to take care of yourself. So settle in for the first act...

First off, thank you to everyone who reached out to make sure that i was alright. As it turns out, I, in fact, was NOT alright. Pretty fucking far from alright actually (despite all of the denials). As I walked in to work on Sunday, I could feel that I was off. Almost as though I was having a spike in blood sugar. I figured that I would eat the yogurt that I packed for lunch and everything would be honky-dorey, but each scoop had to be forced down past the large knot in my throat. As I sat at my desk, I tried answering every question from my co-workers with a smile on my face, but I could not force one through. While walking around at work, I tried lifting my head and make eye contact with people, but it was like my neck just would not straighten. I could not look anyone in their eyes when I spoke. When trying to make a call, I would have to take deep breaths and collect myself for a minute or more. Eventually the anxiety and the hyperventilating started. I was in the beginning stages of a full blown mental breakdown. But before we get into all of THAT, let me give you a little backstory...

There were several reasons behind me moving back to the Flower City. That is a long story for another time. I will sum all of them up and say that I came for a fresh start, and right off the bat I could see that this was not going to be the case. I am a strong, independent motherfucker, so I just knew that I could handle whatever life threw at me. I had expected a few bumps in the road once I had arrived in NY. It did not matter, because I had a plan. I had a vision of my future. But just like one of my old sponsors once said, “Want to make God laugh? Make a plan.” Thinking back on that now, it makes me chuckle. I bet Tyrone would be smiling that huge smile of his listening to me telling this story right now.  

After being spoiled by the relatively mild winters of the south, I knew that my first winter back was going to be rough. I apparently had forgotten how much of a bitch these winters up here were! For my Out-of-Region guests...it is cold. And dark! At one point I did not see the sun for an entire month. Seeing nothing but snow and gray skies for 5 months is tough on the morale. The constant gloom makes being chipper 24/7 a challenge. I did my very best not to let it get me down, but I could not help but notice how my mood started slipping. The irritability started ramping up. The outbursts of anger came much quicker than usual.  I hoped that once the weather got better, my moods would get better again. It was just the dreariness of the winter. So I kept trucking along. When the family issues started getting real bad, I stuffed it down. I can push forward. Spring is coming. Everything will get better then. When I had to walk away from the love of my life...the kind of love that only comes along once, I kept trucking forward. I stuffed it down. Spring is coming. Everything will get better then. When my dad died, I took care of what I needed to do, and returned to NY ready to get back to work. Stuffed the pain, the confusion, the anger, the frustration...deep down inside. Once spring comes, things will get better. All of the jealousy building up by weddings, by engagements, by anniversaries, all of the births of those around me...I took them and buried them deep down inside. All of the rejections (because lemme tell ya, dating at 40 is a HOOT!) All of the mistakes that I made and all of the guilt of my actions....I did not pay attention to them. Spring is coming. Everything will get better. When my best friend was in the hospital, all of that fear got stuffed deep down. I gotta stay strong. I got this.  But then came the death of my grandmother. I had no room to stuff something as big as that. I will save the stories of my grandmother for another post, but I will say that for the last few years I was wondering how I was going to react to my Nana's passing. Turns out, the answer to that is Not So Well.

I am not sure exactly when the unraveling started, but I know that I have felt incomplete for quite a while. As life hit me with jab after jab, I slowly started feeling myself slipping away. I was able to make it through an 8 hour shift at work and could act like myself. When I finally broke the news to my supervisors that my grandmother's death was affecting me more than I may have thought, they could not believe that there was even anything going on, because I was able to perform my job at the usual level and act like my normal, outgoing, enjoyable self. They only could see what I wanted them to see. Everyone did. They saw me laughing. They saw me joking around. They saw me get serious when I needed to. But having to do that everyday was getting exhausting. I knew that eventually it would have to end. Because what they did NOT see was the sudden breakdown into tears on my drive home. They could not see the nights that I would collapse onto my kitchen floor, lying there, full of fear and terror and loneliness. They would never guess the effort that it would sometimes take just to crawl out of bed and get ready for work. Sometimes the BEST that I could do was to hold it together long enough to make it through my shift. The unraveling was already in place.

On Sunday, I had woken up feeling off. There were events that transpired the day before that made me feel  extremely disappointed in myself. The entire drive to work I felt like was in a daze. I don't remember anything on the radio. I cant recall anything about my commute. As I walked up to the building, my eyes kept welling up with tears. I don't know what I was sad about. I don't remember what was upsetting me. I was just wiped clean. Numb. I sat down at my station and begin setting up just like I do every other day. But looking around, things did not seem the same. I tried making conversation with a coworker who I have not seen in over a month, and I tried smiling through her stories, but I don't remember what they had pertained to. When people would come by asking how I was today, I would try and force a smile and say “Fine”, but there was NO WAY that it could be believable anymore. The plan of attack needed to change. The mission was no longer “Fake it till you make it”. It went to Code Red. It was now Operation Just Make It Through The Fucking Day. But with every minute that passed, the tension inside kept building up. The restlessness started setting in. A supervisor asked if I was alright. “I can perform my job. That's all that matters” was my response. Yeah, that didn't last long.

I ended up running a fairly simple rescue. But it seemed like everything I attempted to do required SO MUCH effort! 3 hours into my shift, I messaged my supervisor back. “I need to leave. I thought I could make it through my shift. I'm sorry.” On my ride home I contacted an old friend and former therapist who listened to me as I broke down everything that has been going on. And as I walked from my car to my front door, I remember telling myself “You just have to make it to the couch”. And that was as far as I got. The next few hours were spent having panic attacks and crying spells. I contacted one of my Leads at work and told him that I was not doing well. I needed to take a few days off from work. Mental health days. I needed to heal. I had cracked.

We all go a little mad sometimes. Haven’t you?

So with that, we will end this chapter. But tune in next time for more of what caused this collapse, and the rebuilding behind it. 

[cloppyreads]

After The Fact: Love Stands With Pride

It’s done. The final chapter was posted on Sunday. If you haven’t read it yet, go read it , because everything I’m about to say is related to it. 

Oh boy. What a ride this has been, more of a ride than I thought it was going to be, for more than one reason. Before I get into it, I want to thank everyone who has read, upvoted, commented, followed me and most importantly, those who have shared it with others. I also want to give thanks to Drummermax64 for all of his reviews on every chapter, and for being so easy to work with on helping to get it featured on ZNN. Additionally, I want to give another big thank you to WinterBunny for making the art that inspired the story, and kenalbus for giving me the rights to use the image you’ve been seeing for months as cover art. And finally, big thanks to @steelquill for proofreading every chapter, and helping me out when I occasionally wasn’t sure what to do with the little details of the story; I don’t say it enough, but Quill’s eyes help make my story just a little bit better than they usually would have been without him taking a fresh look at them. 

With that said, I feel like there are some things I need to address with what happened with releasing the story, and the strong response it got, and not in the good way (mostly because of the first chapter, not so much because of anything following it). That said, everything below the read more line is going to be a (mostly) unfiltered rant/ramble from yours truly concerning everything that had to do with me releasing the story and the flames it generated from so many people. I’ll try to keep it PG-13 since the story itself is SFW, but like I said, the filter is pretty much coming off here. 

Alright, so everyone knows how blown away I was by the Zootopia movie, I don’t need to go into that story, it’s been said numerous times, same thing about how taken I was with the whole WildeHopps shipping thing and how badly I want it to be canon. For a couple months I’d been enjoying fanart SFW and NSFW alike, when out of nowhere on tumblr, I came across this. 

Do you ever come across a picture that’s not only beautiful, but also makes you think “you know what? This feels right.”? That’s what happened with this picture. I don’t think there’s a single detail out of place or that I disagree with here. The proposal is happening in the same place that Judy poured her soul out to Nick when she’d hurt him unintentionally, and she’s pouring her soul to him once again here. Judy’s the one doing the proposing, because she’s the assertive type while Nick struggles to let his emotions out. Nick’s tearing up because once that chord has been struck with him, it’s hard for him to keep himself composed. I myself have always liked Nick for a number of reasons, but one of them was because I didn’t see him as much of a masculine male. He’s got a slim build, he’s not overly courageous, and he has that emotionally frail side of his even if he keeps it hidden. With all that in mind, seeing Judy take what’s usually associated with the male’s role and proposing to him just made my heart leap, and I knew I had to write something about it.  Thing is, I didn’t want to just write a one-shot chapter and be done with it. Those are fun to write, and they can sometimes do well, but more often than not they’re appreciated for maybe a week and then forgotten forever. I didn’t want that to happen; I felt like this scene deserved to be part of something bigger and that it deserved more spotlight. So, I started thinking of a bigger story to attach it to. Something with ups and downs and some drama and some heartache only for these two to help lift the other up when they’ve been beaten down. To me, it felt like interspecies discrimination was the way to go. Yes, I know that Bucky and Pronk are technically not the same species, and there’s comics that have depicted some mammals asking other species of mammal out, so some people are saying it’s not an issue in the city. Sure, that’s a possibility; the other possibility is that some mammals are okay with it, while others aren’t, and there might not be anything the city government can do to stop interspecies couples from dating but they haven’t updated their laws to allow them to marry. So many what-if’s and loopholes and technicalities that haven’t and might not ever be answered by Disney (unless they just stun us all and make that the message of the sequel) that I thought it was a fine subject to approach. 

So, movie hype is in full swing, everybody loved the message that Zootopia had to teach about prejudice and politicians using fear to keep those in their groups united against groups they don’t like, racism is bad, yaddah yaddah yaddah. What does America do? They elect the guy who wants to build a wall across Mexico, ban Muslims from entering the U.S, and also ban transsexuals from joining the military (oh, but he’s FINE with gay marriage! Isn’t that the ONLY thing that matters???) Good job, guys. I’m sure that’s what everyone who worked on the movie was aiming for you to do. Way to go.  So yeah, that obviously upset me, and surprisingly enough, it upset a lot of other people too. So I thought to myself “hey, I’ve got this fanfic in my queue that’s about Nick and Judy overcoming prejudice to not only get what they want, but what a lot of other mammals want too. If they’re engaging in a political scuffle, it only makes sense to have a political villain at the head of it all, right?” Also I wanted to be topical, and since I was still feeling betrayed by my country, I thought I could be both topical and let off some steam by making the villain of my story be an obvious caricature of The Annoying Orange. I figured that since there are a VAST amount of people who hate Drump, that might get a laugh out of people, even if it also ticked off a lot of others. So, I spent Jan-May pouring my blood, sweat and tears into this story, which even before it was done being edited and revised into the final version, I was damn proud of. It was the longest story I’d completed (sorry Scales fans, that story is pretty much dead), and I thought I’d spun a neat little tale about conflict, the struggle to overcome it, and a happy ending, but mostly shipping moments galore. I knew I was going to get some flack for throwing the Crybaby in Chief under the bus, but I figured it’d be pretty small and not amount to much. 

The response I got?

Ho-ly-Crap. You’d have thought I cut off his head and played basketball with it, people were so angry (I mean, NOT angry, just very very vocal about how “not angry” they were xD). 

For more detail on the heated responses I got, check out “Dumb Fanfic Author Reads Salty Comments” 

Look, I get what some people are saying, that my character Remus Trunk isn’t an “accurate portrayal” of Donald Trump. I understand that, and this is going to shock some of you, but I wasn’t going for that. I had no intention of making Remus so accurate of a portrayal to Donald that you could confuse the two of them for each other. All I wanted was to throw in a few likenesses that readers could figure out who I was parodying. And given the fact that so many people responded along the lines of “hurrrrr, that’s not what DONALD TRUMP would say!” then you obviously understood who I was referencing, so mission accomplished for me! 

People acted like I was somehow hurting... something... I don’t know what... by posting this fic with a caricature of Trump. I think they forgot that we live in a country where hundreds of comedy shows constantly make their own parodies of him because they have a right to do so, and they know people enjoy it. Yeah, people on the Red side sure like to complain about how PC-liberals are taking away their free speech to the point they can’t even talk, but you say one word about their president-senpai? “Hey man, shut up! You can’t say that! That’s not fair! Ugh, you’re so mad!” Dude, your candidate won, what more do you want? You want a medal for it and a pat on the back that you made the right choice? People are going to voice that they disagree with you: get over it.  Now before everyone starts thinking I’m just lashing out at people who disagree with me, I’d like to point out there were more than a few people who voiced their criticism in a composed and level headed way. They said to me something along the lines of “I think it’s unfair that you’re not representing that there are some level headed people on the opposing side” or “I’m not really interested in reading politics in fanfiction so this isn’t up to my tastes”. And that’s fine. I’m more than okay with people voicing their disagreements with me as long as they aren’t doing it with a tone that sounds like they’re verbally flipping me off. 

Regardless, publishing this story showed me that the Zootopia fandom, like every other fandom, indeed has its dark side. Right around my first chapter being published was when I noticed that the fandom was throwing a tantrum over Borba’s comic “I Will Survive”. I mean, the lengths that people went to to trash Borba and try to discredit everything about that comic was baffling. Yeah, I read the comic, and it was very depressing, and it doesn’t line up with MY headcanon of what Nick and Judy would do in that situation (Nick actually yes, but not Judy so much) but you know what? It’s not my story, and it’s not my headcanon. And apparently it’s not Borba’s headcanon either. He’s still a wildehopps shipper, even though that one story showed them breaking up. He wrote it because he wanted to try something different. He’s not trying to make a continuing timeline or anything; he’s just writing and drawing out ideas because he wants to express them. It’s called being creative. And that’s what I did too: I had an idea, wanted to express it, and that’s what I did. I don’t think we should be crucified for bringing our ideas to the public. We can be criticized sure, it’s healthy if presented in a constructive way. But if all you’re giving us is “I don’t like it!” or “This makes me (not) angry!” then it’s just proving to us that there’s a portion of the Zootopia fandom that really needs to grow up. 

So, do I have any plans to make other fanfics with caricatures of politicians I don’t like? Nope, not that I can think of. I’ve got a TON of story outlines all piled up on one another, but none of them have anything to do with politics. But that’s just because I haven’t seen any reason to do such a thing yet. I have not been intimidated by any of the man-children who pitched a fit in my comments section trying to dissuade me from talking mean about their president-senpai, so if I happen to be stricken with an idea where some political content might help the story I’m trying to tell, I am sure gonna do that, and I’m going to feel ZERO regret for doing it. Keep in mind, I’m not some rebel trying to start a political uprising: I’m just trying to tell some stories and entertain readers, while also improving my own craft. Even though these are fanfics, I do take this craft very seriously, and I want to keep improving my storytelling abilities. I’ve been doing it for about five years now, and I have no intention of stopping anytime soon (I might have to stop writing fanfics some day in the next couple years, but I seriously want to keep writing SOMETHING for the rest of my life). 

WITH ALL THAT OUT OF THE WAY, you guys probably want to know about coming stories in the future. I was going to do a little blurb about it here, but I felt it better to give that topic its own post. To read up on what I’ve got planned for the coming months, read Plans For The Future (Ramble)

Other than that, just want to say thanks to everybody who follows me and reads my crap, hope you enjoy more of it in the future. Peace out. :) 

#Cloperella #fanfiction #rant #ramble #Love Stands With Pride #Zootopia

[i-amusemyself]

All Emoji Asks.

🐰 what is one secret youve never told anyone?I don't really have that many secrets. I guess theres a side of my personality that I spend a lot of energy supressing like hell that I hate with a passion.💗 if you could hug anyone, who would it be?Right now? My best friend right next to me or my friend back home.🐹 what are some of your favourite pokemons and why?I mean, I only ever played pokemon go, but from that I loved the squirtles and the evees just bc theyre cute af🌠 if you were in charge of the world what would it be like?A lot more chilled out. Chill pills would be mandatory.👀 what was the most recent vivid dream you had?Okay I had two freaking weird ones the other night?In one I was a 10 y/o muslim girl going to a new primary school and while I was there I started raising money for a cancer charity.In the other I was taking a really hard A level maths exam and getting stressed and mad bc everyone kept talking and I couldnt finish it in time.☀ what do you like most about your best friend?EVERYTHING?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Idk, I guess how forgiving and layed back she is. She always tries to understand and see things from your point of view.😘 talk about your crush or partnerLmao I'm alone 😂 I do have a crush but its a million miles from mutual so like, shes amazing but boi it hurts 😂💁 if someone was rude to you would you be rude back?Depends on how well I know them and what they're like tbh. I'll banter, but I avoid confrontation.🌟 what do you like about yourself? (3 things)😂😂😂 wow erm...1. I always try and put in all the energy I have if someone/something needs it2. I make loads of terrible puns its gr93. I really dont have any other qualities idk🐾 what are you scared of most? How will you overcome it?👏 I'm terrified of abandonment 👏 aaaand as of yet I have no idea how to deal with it ngl🎁 what never fails to make you happy?Really good stand up commedy or my favourite music💙 what annoys you about some people?Their complete lack of self-awareness. Idk, maybe I'm low key jealous too but srsly some people????😤 do you get angry easily?Yeah. I keep pretty good tabs on it so you probs wouldnt know it, but if something upsets me, chances are I'm hella pissed too.🐇 what do you always daydream about?Dramatic and upsetting situations or drunk situations 😂🌻 if you could change 3 things about the world what would you change?1. Sort out equality and all that jazz2. Divide up the land more equally, bc it pisses me off that some people are living in tiny cramped shacks and others have 100 mile square farms.3. End capitalism and with that make all necessary services free.🍓 send me 4 names: kiss, befriend, kill or marry?Anon?✈ what is your dream city and why?I mean Ive always wanted to go to copenhagen but theres no guarantee its gonna be my fave. My fave so far is Amsterdam bc its so peaceful and the architecture is to die for.☕ talk about your ideal day?Spend it with my best friend/crush. Lay in bed late and be lazy and watch good TV/movies. Maybe go out in the afternoon to not go stir crazy and entertain ourselves. Stay up kinda late talking about deep shit, lying underneath the stars.🌸 are you an introvert, ambivert or extrovert?Ambivert!💧 when was the last time you cried?Yesterday lmao 😂 i havent gone more than 2 days without crying in the past week 😧 I just got myself into a nice Depression Episode.🎵 name 5 songs you like atm?Argh I havent listened to music in so long (7 days...) umm so things i wanna listen to- youth by daughter- voices by Motionless in white- living dead girl by rob zombie- corpse roads by keaton hensen- lost boy by troye sivan⚡ if you had any superpower what would it be and why?Mind reading bc my anxiety would be halved.💛 if you could talk to your younger self, what would you say?I'd tell myself to stop trying to fit in and be like everybody else because the people I know are just a tiny portion of the population and really aren't much to aspire to. I'd tell myself to drop all my shitty friends because it would stop me from dealing with a lot of crap later on. I'd point myself in the right direction of the better people 😂I'd teach myself how to stand up for myself and how to not take any crap.And I'd give myself a hug and tell myself it's okay not to be cishet, because maybe if I could turn back time and start to deal with it earlier I'd be okay with it now.💚 who are you jealous of and why?A lot of people really, with qualities I don't have.I suppose one kid in particular is like, everything i want to be. Kind, hillarious, confident, close to people I love. 💎 what would you rather have more of: intelligence, beauty, kindness, wealth or bravery? Why?Bravery or kindness?? Its hard to have one without the other. Also beauty ngl bc im fugly.🙊 what are you ashamed of?My gender and sexuality 👏🌺 which languages do you know? Which do you want to learn?I know english and spanish and I'm learning Danish. Hopefully once I'm okay at danish I can learn arabic. Ill be satisfied after that 😂☘ if you could be any fictional characters friend/lover who would it be and why?I mean, theres plenty of fictional lesbians where im like 😏👀 but honestly if I had to pick only one person I'd choose Kieren Walker from in the flesh bc he needs a friend and I relate to him so strongly.☁ talk about your dream universe.Mental and physical illness doesnt exist. People arent dicks. Everything is free. No one feels unloveable.💜 which acts of kindness are you going to do today?Idk I'm p much done for the day 😂 I've been helping out around the house all day tho🐬 if you could transform into any animal what would it be and why?I mean i might be biased but either a dog or a sloth bc they get to sleep all the time 😂🍄 talk about someone/something you really dislike.Someone I was best friends with for 4 years suddenly turned around and stabbed me in the back, made up shit about me, arranged that all my friends not talk to me for a fortnight, sent group emails stuffed with emotional manipulation and blamed me for her suicidal thoughts. I nearly ended it. Now I get to watch my friends still loving her like she isn't the world's most heartless person. It makes my blood boil.😣 talk about something that has been making you depressed/angry/anxious.I'm staying with my best friend rn and I can't stand the thought of going home.🍪 what did you want to be as a kid and what do you want to be now?I wanted to be a nurse and now I wanna be a doctor 👏 variety 👏🍰 what are some of your favourite sugary foods?I cant really eat sugar 😂 so fuck knows? Chocolate?🍑 what are you obsessed with?Brains, thought processes, psychopaths, graveyards and more 😂💘 what happens to you when youre stressed?I just get really emotional and start agressively making lists everywhere in an attempt to sort my life out.😪 what are you sick of?Humanity.🙀 are you an adrenaline seeker?Yeah its terrible 😂 i hate anxiety but I also kinda love it when my heart races.💥 what are some unpopular opinions you have?I....dont? I cba with discourse lifes too short.☔ would you consider yourself a good person?I think anyone with good intentions is usually a good person so yeah😊 what do you do as hobbies?Sleep, binge watch netflix and blog 😂🎤 whats the last song you hummed or sang by yourself?👏👏👏 Mr Brightside 👏👏👏 what a jam 👏👏👏🐝 whats your worst trait?Being waaayyy too clingy.🌷 whats your mbti personality type and why do you think it suits you?ISFJ and yeah defo, its the defender and I feel that tbh🐶 send me 3 fictional people and ill choose my favourite.Anon?👑 who are your favourite celebrities and why?Kaitlyn Alexander is my bae.Besides that I dont really....obsess over any celebrities? Eliza taylor is doing p good 😂 ummm also some youtubers? Do they count?🐴 opinion on __?Its a great bit of punctuation.🍋 do you consider yourself to be an emotional person?Lmfaoooooo YES📚 share 3 books you love and your favourite quotes from them.M8. Thats not gonna happen 😂 I love any book that makes me cry but I cannot quote a single word.😔 what do you always do when you feel sad? Does it work?Find a quiet corner, shut my eyes and listen to my Depression Playlist. It doesn't always make me feel better but it helps me ride it out.🙂 what thoughts keep you going when you're sad?The thoughts of uni and that I'll hopefully meet some great new people. Also my best friend. Just in general 😂🌎 which country do you live in?England.🐧 describe yourself in 3 words?Awkward, tall and shy.🙉 what quotes changed you?"Pick your fights" bc as much as its a meme it helps me chill outAlso "everything is temporary" and "the sun will rise and we will try again".💭 do you keep a diary?I have a personal blog which acts as a diary yeah💫 who inspires you?Kaitlyn Alexander!! (Listen theyre like the first nb representation I ever knew and I relate so much to everything they say and theyre so cute and talented)👻 do you believe in ghosts and why?I mean, my initial response is no. Because we're just bags of flesh made up of cells and when we die those cells die so theres nothing to live on.But tbh we know so little about the universe I'm open to the possibility of anything at this point.🎀 whats your fashion sense like?Dior. I know what clothes I like and think look good but I never like them on me.🎬 what are some of your favourite films?Deadpool, My sisters keeper, pitch perfect 2 ermm🍦 what is one treasured childhood memory?UmmmmmmmmmmmmWhen I first got my bunny, that was an amazing day!!🐼 if you could meet anyone, who would it be and why?Um my soulmate? Where are they at?

[newstfionline]

Compassion fatigue in an age of 24-hour news

By Elisa Gabbert, The Guardian, 2 Aug 2018

In April this year, a woman calling herself Apathetic Idealist wrote to an advice columnist at the New York Times, asking for help in overcoming a sense of political paralysis. This condition, which was keeping her from engaging in “real action”, began in November 2016, when Donald Trump won the US presidential election. “I continue to be outraged by this administration,” she wrote. “But I’m struggling to summon a response.”

“I have no doubt that many people can relate to your letter. I can relate to it,” began the response from the columnist, Roxane Gay. “It is hard to expand the limits of our empathy when our emotional attention is already stretched too thin.”

This seems to be an increasingly common condition. Glance at Twitter or Facebook, and you’ll probably see someone say, “I’m so tired”. There is so much bad news that it feels like we’re running out of emotions. I can relate to Apathetic Idealist, too. For the past several months, I have experienced a creeping psychic exhaustion. “I’m in a numb period,” I tell my friends when they send me frantic texts about the day’s events or ask me how I’m holding up.

It wasn’t always like this. In the months after Trump’s election, my husband, John, printed out the phone numbers of our government representatives in Colorado, where we live, and stuck them on the fridge. We started calling them weekly, demanding, even begging them to fight on our behalf. They were supposed to be working for us, weren’t they? My heart would beat faster as I made these calls, trying to translate my anger and fear into something coherent.

Sometimes the public outcry seemed to work. A rushed Republican bill to repeal and replace the Affordable Care Act--a flawed but important step toward universal healthcare, established under Barack Obama--failed to find support. It felt like a victory. But a few months later, those same senators cut billions from government healthcare programmes under the guise of “tax reform”. I made a number of calls to my representatives about the tax plan, but it didn’t help; this time, the Republicans in Congress had enough votes to pass their plan into law.

I haven’t called my senators in months. It was starting to feel like a waste of time and energy. On most occasions, our Republican senator’s office doesn’t even answer the phone. Most of the time, outrage itself feels largely useless. Stay mad, social media activists like to say. How hard is it to stay mad, I remember thinking last year--just watch 20 seconds of any news clip. But it did, in fact, get hard to stay mad. The news is still horrifying, at home and around the world; I know this intellectually, but the physical feeling of horror is gone.

There’s a clinical name for what Apathetic Idealist and many of us are feeling: it’s called compassion fatigue. Psychologist Charles Figley defines compassion fatigue as “a state of exhaustion and dysfunction, biologically, physiologically and emotionally, as a result of prolonged exposure to compassion stress”. Symptoms include behavioural changes (becoming easily startled, a reduced ability to remain objective), physical changes (exhaustion, anxiety and cardiac symptoms) and emotional changes (numbness, depression, “decreased sense of purpose”). It is an important framework in professions such as nursing, where over-exposure to trauma can lead to health problems for the nurses and worsened outcomes for patients. But it can and has been applied to the general population, too, especially when we are saturated with pleas for attention.

Though the term is relatively new, the idea of compassion fatigue has been around for centuries. As historian Samuel Moyn recently put it: “Compassion fatigue is as old as compassion.” And the anxieties that come with our awareness of compassion fatigue go back just as far. According to Moyn, the 18th-century philosophers and moralists who “rooted ethics in sentiment and sympathy” were simultaneously troubled that “devoting oneself to an ethic of exposure and sensitivity to others’ suffering (or of engagement and action to relieve it) might lead to a numbed ethical sense”.

The debate around the value of compassion has continued into the 21st century. But the commonly held view today seems to be that empathy is vitally necessary, not just for direct human interaction, but as a spur to solve the world’s most pressing problems. Why would we come to the aid of people who are suffering, the thinking goes, if we don’t on some level feel their suffering, too?

If it is true that empathy is a necessary motivator for making the world a better place, what happens when we feel bombarded every day with the details of local and global disasters, with every shocking crime, political scandal and climate calamity here and abroad? The war in Syria. Refugee crises. Professionals on the frontlines of trauma are trained to watch for signs of “compassion fatigue”, but lately it feels as if everyone is at risk. After a year of news addiction that left me with insomnia and heart palpitations, I’m starting to detach. Is there any way around it? What happens when the world wants more empathy than we can give?

Not long after compassion fatigue emerged as a concept in healthcare, a similar concept began to appear in media studies--the idea that overexposure to horrific images, from news reports in particular, could cause viewers to shut down emotionally, rejecting information instead of responding to it. In her 1999 book Compassion Fatigue: How the Media Sell Disease, Famine, War and Death, the journalist and scholar Susan Moeller explored this idea at length. “It seems as if the media careen from one trauma to another, in a breathless tour of poverty, disease and death,” she wrote. “The troubles blur. Crises become one crisis.” The volume of bad news drives the public to “collapse into a compassion fatigue stupor”.

By Moeller’s account, compassion fatigue is a vicious cycle. When war and famine are constant, they become boring--we’ve seen it all before. The only way to break through your audience’s boredom is to make each disaster feel worse than the last. When it comes to world news, the events must be “more dramatic and violent” to compete with more local stories, as a 1995 study of international media coverage by the Pew Research Center in Washington found.

Advert-supported media channels survive on attention, and this leads to sensationalism and images meant to shock: starving, bloated children, cities ravaged by war. But these images, by design, are upsetting, and eventually we turn away--a form of self-preservation. And when a story isn’t hot any more--that often meant low newspaper sales in the 90s; now it would be judged by a lack of clicks--the media tends to move on. As Tom Kent, a former international editor with the Associated Press, tells Moeller: “We cover things until there’s not much new to say.” In other words, crises often get boring before they get better.

If we feel entitled to apathy, or even self-righteous about our apathy, it can become an easy excuse for moral laziness. In 2000, the New Yorker published a cartoon that showed two men in suits walking past a disgruntled-looking homeless man asking for money. One suit says to the other: “Here I was, all this time, worrying that maybe I’m a selfish person, and now it turns out I’ve been suffering from compassion fatigue.”

#compassion fatigue #news overload

[supernovaautism]

How a Little Magazine Went Around the World

It is written by Reader’s Digest Editors, and originally published in January 1997 issue.

When Roumyana Vekilov and her husband emigrated from Bulgaria in 1993 and settled in Huntsville, Ala., she wanted desperately to understand and become a part of the America she saw around her. But she couldn't speak English. Then her husband brought home a copy of Reader's Digest. Using her Bulgarian/English dictionary she began translating the magazine "word by word, sentence by sentence, article after article." Month after month she learned "not only the language but also about the American customs, traditions, history, problems, meals and to understand more the American people and the way they look at life." She calls The Digest "my American life-style teacher, my English language textbook, my friend."

We like that. And especially those last two words.

Get past all the statistics--the 49 editions in 21 languages reaching 100 million readers around the world each month--and the real essence of who we are, the real fun of being Reader's Digest, is the friends we have made.

That's why, even as we celebrate our 95th anniversary (1922-2017), we feel so young. As we've grown, we've evolved and we keep making new friends. Funny thing is, we make new friends by remaining what we have always been--a magazine that connects with its readers.

That was part of the genius of our founder, DeWitt Wallace (1889-1981). The breathtaking growth of what he called his "Little Magazine" came about precisely because he never saw readers as some vast mass, but as distinct individuals with whom he wished to build a strong bond.

That's why the apostrophe is before the "s" in our name.

Whether in Huntsville or Hammerfest, Keokuk or Kathmandu, we aim to turn readers into friends. They take us along with them wherever they go. You'll find us dogeared in the doctor's office, grease-stained at the lunch counter, tucked in the fisherman's tackle box, the soldier's duffel, the businesswoman's briefcase.

We jog their minds, tickle their funny bones, warn them against dangers and even save their lives.

David Weiss, 29, of Suisun City, Calif., awoke with pains in his chest, arm and shoulder. He went to a local emergency room. An EKG revealed nothing abnormal. But he was still feeling the pains the next day when his cousin, who had just read our article "Little-Known Signs of a Heart Attack" (May 1993), said his symptoms sounded like those listed in The Digest. David's brother drove him to the hospital again, where he was found to be in the midst of a heart attack. The article "saved my son's life," wrote Vivian Weiss.

We have received thousands of such letters over the years as the result of articles on heart disease, skin cancer, little-known health dangers and important discoveries in science and medicine presented in clear, concise language. "Reader's Digest has to be the most popular magazine on the planet. We have never seen such a response," says Dr. Irwin Goldstein, professor of urology at Boston University School of Medicine, reacting to more than a thousand inquiries about an article we published on male sexual dysfunction.

Navy Commander George Farrar was stationed in Ireland when he called his wife, who told him about their 12-year-old daughter, Sarah. She had been bitten by something in their yard. Mrs. Farrar took her to the doctor, who diagnosed "an infected fleabite." Now Sarah's leg was swelling. As it happened, Farrar had read a Reader's Digest article about the highly poisonous brown recluse spider. "Get the magazine and read the article," he said. She did. "As soon as I read it, I knew that a spider had bitten Sarah." Mrs. Farrar took her to the hospital and took our article along to show the doctors. Sarah was hospitalized for six days but escaped any serious permanent damage. Says Mrs. Farrar, "I just can't tell you how much I appreciate Reader's Digest coming to the rescue."

Sometimes our effect on people's health and well-being is more long-range. Dr. Maria Compte writes from New York to say we inspired her to become a doctor. She was 15 years old when she read an article in The Digest about Dr. Tom Dooley's pioneering work among poor villagers in Southeast Asia. "Today, almost exactly 20 years after that summer day, I am writing these lines while sitting at a desk at Dooley Foundation-Intermed."

When GeorgiaAnn Camara's husband went to sea as an engineer aboard a nuclear submarine, he would be unreachable for 90 days or more. But he took something very special with him. It was a journal his wife prepared so that they could "visit" with each other every day they were apart. Attached to each day's entry from her was an item from our magazine. "I attach a story, a quote or a point to each day and I share with him what these words have meant to me," says Mrs. Camara. When her husband returned from a voyage, he gave her the journal filled out with his daily thoughts on each of his wife's entries and attachments. "You have helped give me the gift of conversation with my husband though he is thousands of miles away."

When Mad magazine published its parody of "Reader's Disgust" (the table of contents promised a two-page condensation of the Encyclopaedia Britannica) it really began to dawn on us that we weren't just any magazine. Reach a certain level of acceptance and you're in for a lot of ribbing. Actually, we enjoy the jokes--whether it's a parody from National Lampoon, or that episode of "The Simpsons" where Homer gets so head-over-heels smitten with the "Reading Digest."

The droll cartoonist Guindon once drew a young couple, back from vacation, explaining to their mailman that "we were at one of those cabins up north where Reader's Digests go when they die."

J. J. Bushnell, from Tigard, Ore., actually stumbled upon one of "those cabins" when he was lost and injured in the Canadian woods near Vancouver. The man and his wife who lived there gave him food and shelter and helped him recover from his ankle injury. To entertain him they loaned him "an old single copy of Reader's Digest," which he devoured from cover to cover. Bushnell was hooked. Once back home he became a lifelong reader.

So you see, copies of Reader's Digest never die. Sometimes, however, they're pressed into service in odd ways. We don't mind being used to level a tilting desk, insulate a wall (it's been done) or keep two water pipes from knocking (folding it lengthwise provides just enough tension and usually does the trick). Roy Valitchka was on a hike with his oldest son, Scott, in the Porcupine Mountains of Michigan. Scott had the latest Reader's Digest in his backpack for lunchtime reading. When Roy injured his knee, that copy of The Digest "was just the right length, width and rigidity necessary to immobilize the knee joint. A length of surgical tape held the magazine in place at the pivot point and two bandannas secured the top and bottom." At the end of the 18-mile trek, Scott praised his dad for toughing out the final miles but insisted that he buy a new copy of The Digest to replace the "disfigured, sweat-soaked copy that saved the day."

We've even become a kind of underground currency in Africa. "I once mortgaged 20 Digests to a 'Digestophile' just to raise enough transport fare to visit my sick uncle," writes Muktar Ali, from Chad. He tells us copies of the magazine are so precious they are "purchased and sold, repurchased, read and resold or borrowed and reborrowed continuously" and are "exchanged for a variety of items or favors."

Over the years we have sometimes been chided for being too optimistic. We stand guilty as charged. We believe in solutions. We believe in the capacity of human beings to overcome. When Nelson Mandela was in prison in South Africa, he gained resolve and inspiration from Reader's Digest articles "showing people overcoming great odds and difficult challenges." In his autobiography, the late Egyptian President Anwar Sadat remembered that when he was serving time in a British prison, our magazine provided a turning point for him. "It was thanks to an article contributed by an American psychologist to the Reader's Digest that I succeeded in getting over my troubles." He writes that the article helped him renew his faith in God and in himself. "My relations with the entire universe began to be reshaped."

The world continues to change and we do too. We're publishing in places we've never been before, such as Thailand and the Czech Republic. Now, hundreds of thousands of people are getting to know us through our interactive Web site. Wherever you find us, we'll still be, as one subscriber recently called us, "a friend maker, a keep-you- up-to-dater."

One of our longtime readers, Frank Mara, of Hopatcong, N.J., wrote to tell us about his father, James, who had graduated high school at the height of the Depression, served in the Navy during World War II, then worked as a truck driver until his retirement. "He instilled in us the desire to read and to never stop learning. He used The Digest as his chief tool. There was always The Digest, every month, year in and year out, and always discussions or arguments about one article or another."

As the kids grew up he kept sending them gift subscriptions. "It's been good for me," he explained, "and I haven't done too bad for a broken- down truck driver." When James Mara died at the age of 77 he left behind his wife and four children (a teacher, a surveyor/architect, a Navy senior chief petty officer and an engineer), 13 grandchildren and eight great-grandchildren. His son writes:

"I was not aware of the impact of my dad and his love for The Digest until last month, when I saw my ten-year- old son reading the last issue of Dad's last gift." Mara thought about his dad's words, "It's been good for me." So he sent us a check for his subscription and asked that we "please say a prayer that I can do as well as that broken-down truck driver for my kids."

That explains as well as anything what we mean by making new friends ... and keeping old ones.

#readersdigest

[theculturalkrusader]

On Hillbilly Elegy: 3 Stars

I read J.D. Vance’s bestselling memoir in less than a day, so I can’t say it wasn’t a good read.  As a native Staten Islander, I have long been torn between the ultra-conservative Island culture (I’ve realized since reading Elegy, SI is more akin to Vance’s beloved “hillbilly” culture than I could’ve imagined) and the more progressive, liberal politics of the City and state of New York encompassing the Island. I was interested in what Elegy had to offer me in the way of insight into things like Why Trump won, Who these people I couldn’t stand to live among really are beneath the surface, and most urgently, How to rectify these two cultures I’m constantly caught between.  I was eager, thanks largely to the overwhelmingly positive press the book has received since its release last year, to read this book and gain new insight into this self-obsessed, isolationist, myopic, white [middle-to-lower-class, in this case] patriarchal culture I’ve spent my life amid and relatively appalled by. 

I didn’t.

Vance, foremost, struck me as macho.  Clearly not one to have dabbled in Buddhist teachings despite his Ivy League education and pedantic obsession with self-responsibility, Vance’s language betrays a lack of compassion beyond the scope of his own fragility.  One example that really struck me was in an anecdote he told about overcoming hillbilly fight culture in the outside world: Vance had been cut off by another driver, and planned to get out of his car at a red light and demand an apology, if not fight it out with the guy. But he stopped himself.  He acknowledges he had acted appropriately in forgoing a fight, but rather than forgive himself for getting angry in the first place (compassion), he spent the hours afterwards “[doing] the right thing, I silently criticized myself.” (p.247)  This admission strikes me as of precisely the same mindset Vance spends his book proselytizing against: that beat-down, my-choices-don’t-matter-and-neither-do-I schema that supposedly separates the more typical hillbillies from one of his success. In one sense, his choice here did prove significant, because no fight ensued, and everyone walked away unscathed.  

In a much deeper sense, though, I can’t help but feel these ‘proper’ choices he’s making still resonate with him as somewhat useless, given his reaction to his own flaw in this case is still criticism. Why does one criticize the self?  To deprecate, to beat down - the very things Vance can’t stand to see his hillbilly neighbors constantly excusing their lack of accountability with.

I don’t think Vance is terribly self-aware.  Disciplined? You bet. Conscientious?  Certainly. Intelligent?  Absolutely.  But self-aware?  I’m not convinced.  He claims to be self-assured now, but how self-assured are you if you can’t even make a mistake without staying mad at yourself about it for hours upon hours? Moreover, how could a truly self-aware grown man - who’d spent four years in the Marines and three in the Ivy Leagues - really believe that his folk don’t hate President Obama for the color of his skin, but for his difference in class, as Vance lamely tried to argue on p.191? What self-aware scholar says that?

In this one inadvertent clue, I find an entire argument essentially made moot.  How can someone claim to have overcome a mindset, want to preach on how he’s done so and why you should too (and why not doing so will doom all affected to depravity and depression), and then, without any sense of irony, continue to employ this mindset as he writes the very work composed to deride it? While Vance’s story was, for the most part, genuinely compelling, his larger narrative fell flat in conveying clear and defined insight, and instead read more like a successful white american male haranguing his people for not being as wise, as strong, as willful, or as great as him. Here I was, thinking I’d be reading a book full of carefully-described bullets delineating why this culture should concern and compel me; a book dense with information and wisdom and well-thought-out insight; a book like Evicted, or We Should All Be Feminists, The New Jim Crow, or Between The World And Me. To my disappointment, it didn’t hold a candle to those works, and certainly did not deserve the level of praise and literary prestige it received, in my mind.  To say, “You will not read a more important book about America this year.” (-Economist) feels obsequious and plain untrue.  What insight have I gained?  

Here are some bullets:

-Hillbilly culture is rooted in the Appalachian mountains and surrounding regions. Sometime in the mid-19th century, a mass emigration in pursuit of better job opportunities made its way from the poorer regions of Appalachia up to northern states like OH, PA, IN, IL, and MI, and pushed this culture up and out of just the Rust/Bible Belt. Hillbilly culture subsequently spread far and wide within middle America, and remains heavily entrenched there to this day.  These folks are traditionally Scots-Irish, and are generally considered distinctive in their “persistent and unchanging regional subculture in the country. Their family structures, religion, and politics, and social lives all remain unchanged compared to the wholesale abandonment of tradition that’s occurred nearly everywhere else.” (p.3) 

-In describing these Scots-Irish and their culture, Vance weighs the good - intense sense of loyalty, fierce dedication to family and country - and the bad - distrust of and disdain for outsiders; and disclaims himself as Scots-Irish at heart - presumably to allow for wiggle-room in his misguided arguments about self-responsibility, political culture, and overall cultural climate. Of the latter, he conveniently made almost no thoughtful mention, despite drawing a direct comparison between poor whites and poor blacks in their overwhelming cultural similarities more than once. This struck me as incredibly odd, since so much of the 2016 election revolved around racism, racial tension, and shamelessly racist hillbillies punching black people at rallies and threatening to kill them. Given Vance’s task, this should have been explored.  

-These qualities he mentions - “good” and “bad” - are exactly the qualities I’d assume drove the majority of hillbillies to vote for Donald Trump. E.g., intense sense of loyalty (to America, however misguided); fierce dedication to family and country (however egregiously misguided here as well); distrust of and disdain for outsiders - in this case, the majority of “outsiders” happen to be non-white…and women (sexism is yet another extremely important factor in assessing both the 2016 election and this culture that remains conspicuously unaddressed in Vance’s book).  And who did Donald Trump tout as the biggest enemy of them all?  Others! Mexicans are rapists - other.  Blacks are thugs - other.  Women are fodder for men - other. Hillary is a criminal - other. 2016 was the election of Trump versus The Other. (Vance did not explicitly state this, but since Vance’s non-explanations leave much to desire, the reader is left to deduce for herself, and this is a conclusion I have come to. In fact, I’ve deduced every point on Donald Trump made in this essay so far, because Vance did not give me straight answers. I was sure he would.)

But, Donald Trump was an outsider too - if Barack Obama was intimidating to hillbillies because he was too upperclass, then why are these same people toting Donald Trump as the next greatest thing, when he’s far more ostentatious in displaying his status than Obama could or would ever be? This takes me back to labeling Vance’s aforementioned claim on Obama’s lack of appeal to hillbillies sheer and utter hogwash.

——————————————————————————————-

The bullets above together may explain why:

1) Trump won office at a time when most of us couldn’t understand a vote cast in that direction (which, ironically, Vance made absolutely no effort to himself address or deconstruct…an incredibly lazy cop out, if you ask me).  Wasn’t the election what compelled Vance to write this book?  What happened to all that sociological insight his book promised?  Anecdote - Vance’s narrative tool of choice - here lacks insight; Vance tells anecdote after anecdote, but makes hardly any effort to tie these stories back into the larger picture for which they served as an example, and therefore does not outright explain their significance in relation to our country’s cultural climate; all he does instead is offer reasons to pity these hillbilly people - the very same people he himself lambasts to do better - as if to say, They know not what they’ve done, so forgive them for putting our country in such indescribable danger. It’s an incredibly entitled approach, saturated in what I could only register as white privilege.  This takes me back to arguing against Vance’s self-awareness: Vance does not seem at all in-touch with his male white privilege in posing these arguments. 

2) Vance himself struggles to narrate from outside his experience, and consequently lacks an objective tone; the subjective tone we’re left with is again, heavily proselytizing instead of plainly informative. Even he doesn’t really understand the WHYs.

3) These people are so goddamned hard to get through to; they’re all absorbed in the same mindset as Vance: I have done this, while I watch others do that. That is wrong because this is right.  This is right because look at how much I have to humblebrag about now.  All other problems must just be the result of laziness and lack of discipline.  Vance argues it’s not the govts. fault (but it is!), it’s not society’s fault (but it is!), it’s your fault, and there is no way to fix it. Except, what Vance does not seem to grasp, is that this culminates exactly the kind of defeatism his people must move away from.  He is clearly still immersed.

J.D., I really wanted to tell everyone I know that your book was brilliant, and required reading.  I can’t do that, though I will recommend it to anyone seeking a readable hillbilly memoir.  

The book was good, but not great.  It informed but did not teach.  If Elegy exists to inform on what hillbilly culture looks like, acts like, and moves like, I already carry all the info I needed on this topic from growing up on Staten Island, where hillbilly culture is uncredited but very much present.  Sass aside, I found this book frustrating, and incredibly overrated.  His story is interesting, yes.  I read the book in a day without getting bored or restless, and even enjoyed it, yes. His success with self-discipline genuinely inspires me, and I give him credit for making his way out of poverty and into the Ivy Leagues. I respect his unique transition from dejected nobody to Marine, but I respect it as just that - UNIQUE.  I wince at his idea that he can extend his narrative to encompass - and shame - all hillbillies not following his lead; his experience is not universal, as demonstrated by his holier-than-thou tone. So how does reading about his non-universal experience actually help me to deeply understand this culture? 

It doesn’t.

Did I really learn anything, take away some insight I was certain going into the book I’d come out with? No.  This Hillbilly Elegy felt less like a tribute to the dead, and more like a tribute to Vance himself. He cites only 21 sources in a 257 page text.  This is not a sociological evaluation, a philosophical text, or even an academic work.  This is a memoir, of a hillbilly boy, who, despite an unusually-education-centered upbringing, an Ivy League education, military service (God bless), and what he calls perspective, still sees the world through questionable lenses.  

But he married a woman of color, so I’m sure he believes he’s better than his kin in Kentucky and Ohio, even as he still wears their uniform on the pitch.

#hillbilly elegy #j.d. vance #culture #society #american culture #hillbilly culture #white supremacy #conservatism #book blogging