hey there, looks like fate brought you here-
don’t feel lost, nocturne will help you. even though he is awfully clumsy for an 20 year old but is as wise as an old owl (maybe) . he is really fun, like a slow website takes alot of time to open up tho. he must be here somewhere-
hm, it looks like he isn’t here but don’t worry, you can always find him somewhere in library seeking for a perfect book to read or maybe in his study where he could be found annotating poems of dead poets. What? he isn’t in either of place, he definitely must be in the kitchen cooking or baking or just simply stuffing his tummy with delicious ice creams.
what stirs his curiosity, you ask? it’s alot of things, his fondness of anime and manga is quite visible from those figurine and his enthusiasm for cinema from that kubrick posters and those star wars and marvel graphic tshirts that lies unfolded on his cluttered desk next to his unfinished poetry. check out his inkspill, if you wish.
oh, there he is- sipping his coffee and simply gazing at the moon. he does love her more than anything. oh don’t you see, he can’t hear us, must be listening his spotify playlist.
go now, don’t be hesitant he won’t bite. send him an ask or if you are daring enough slid into his dms. He enjoys talking about almost everything. he is always there yearning for connection-
-maybe that yearning is you
© 2020 nocturneunmasked
(all the pictures are taken from pinterest, all credits to orginal artists)
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Today, is just another day for some, for me on this day that means so much to us... I'll write it all again and some more...
I think I was blind until I met you.
I've said it all before but it's romantic.
I never use to believe in love at first sight.. I remember being behind the door, I remember ringing the door bell, I wanted to surprise you so I hide where you couldn't see me, I could hear you but I just had to wait for the right moment... then I popped out and you hugged me, so tight it felt like all the broken voids were full...
I opened my eyes from that tight hug and, you looked into my eyes and that's when I knew,... I wanted to be with you forever and that day forth I believed in love at first sight... Until my tale didn't go the way I expected...I know... As you know... And got worse as time went on... My mental health hasn't been in the best of shape... Now more than ever... Probably stuck mentally for quite awhile suffering in and out levels of severity... It's been a hard few years on both of us and I take blame for most of it...especially because I caused most of the current one... And I can't blame you for anything I've had to battle alone for so long and believe the people around me, and it's hard to fight for yourself...
But I wanted to know that I still had feelings for you, somethings that you said they still are stuck with me...
This year I'm back in treeament, it feels good to be back in the recharge center, I don't think I'll ever get out of therphay but at least this time is longer then I've had well second longest soon to be longest... and seeing the people I've wanted to see for years never had the money for... But that's an interesting topic especially now with rising costs and God knows what else I could say about not being able to with my past jobs etc... Anyway... I really wanted to but the private and public system during covid made that difficult let alone work, oh work.. Don't start me... Anyway....
Seeing those special folk, it's alot easier given 'covid' lock downs aren't in effect to actually see them but I hear mumors it's still around the place.
Here's a small tablet it may take 4 weeks to work but here's to trying something new...
On what I'd hope I thought today would make a good day to start my adhd med trial of a non stimulant, as another first day of my life.
I told you that I owe you my life so, as much as I shouldn't say it but this pill is only because you gave me a reason to stay, a reason to keep breathing and keep fighting through my battles that I've tried to face years alone.
Trying to be everything I wasn't... and Every battle I'm doing now it's longoverdue, thank you for breaking me a bit, saying somethings to get the help I need...I've been learning a bit about things that I assume they told you all the same.
The lorzopam has really helped my axenity, like fuck me and peace of mind... God it's been... Well....I can't even recall when my mind was this quite, and sleep in a deeper level then I've felt in years... Often feeling shallow, I for one hate my parents now more then ever... especially my mom everytime I had guts to try say something is wrong she'd shut me down and tell me to keep doing what I'm doing and now I can see how wrong she was, and how much I know she worrys about me but it's truly insane some things she totally... Ughh... I don't like my parents at all either of them for different reasons,
It's felt like I've Always being on the edge of a constant mental breakdown, some how surviving through it all until now every 2-3 years having a major breakdown or autisc meltdown.
Mayne now they can try give me some of those coping mechanisms people get... You said you have to be brave for a diagnosis to get the treatment you deserve, I think I'm learning the strength to humble yourself and speak your truths you did not know you had but have taught me.
But this recent meltdown one, was really helped me to get treatment, because it got out of my head... I thank you for breaking me, you know how to shoot me in all the wrong best places and it hurt hearing what you said but it's to help me get help I need... and especially after my last actions got..... Let's use awful and Bad, as an understatement.
I just wanted some comfort while I felt like I was soon to die, or loosing my mind to the insainty....it seems whenever I'm in a good headspace it seems I'm not to far off to be having a mental breakdown... I don't know how to, Describe my state of mind given I'm just learning feelings...but it's like the whole world just hates me and triggers and beats me down, and for years I've often found it easier to depress myself by repressing my feelings... Whitch is bad.
My twin flame, my soulmate mirror other, I wanted to say Thank you for pushing me to the places I need to be, into the light. It hurts but it's a good hurt... So it can hurt less right?
I hope you know even on the good days I can feel your aura coming through my broken voids.
I hope my posts keep you company, when you feel sad or down but don't feel sad for me my dear, I'm doing better and I'm it's been getting better now everyday slowly, the past 3 weeks, maybe soon my smile will return from its place of hiding behind my lips.
Pystrist Still gotta get some meds for axiety or depression but we're currently doing testing and assemsnts and the non stimulant adhd med seen above.
it's like so nice to have a clear head for once... It's been quite a long time... I think.. It's been since that awful day... But God knows I've battled mental health so long it's all. Being a blur, it I'm doing okay but I really have started to notice how toxic my. Mom is and my mom probably just keeps pushing me into shit when I didn't good and bad just wanted to try sort things out and I could never find out all the things just a break, God knows I hate my family just as much as before and even more the more I learn about them and what they did.
I wishikw you I could live outside their roof.. Maybe soon if that pay bump comes seening I need it now more than ever..
Anyway... my psychtraist might want to change the benso to a long term one but I can't tell yet were redoing a test for adhd/add at the moment as his last test he said wasn't so concrete enough as it was within normal range.
I don't know where I am.
I don't know where I've been..
But I know where I want to be...
I know we've had a bit of a rough time in recent times... I think I've been in many states for far to long, maybe I've been in a constant state of anxiety for a few to many long years... Even my battles inside for mental health for the past 20 years...
At least this year, as we mark the occasion, I'm getting a step closer to being able to afford some kind of log cabin a writer shack, a little place in the woods, still doing an MBA to try get some more cash so I can buy myself a peaceful place away from all the noise of the world, as long as there's internet I can work from home and have my own little shire with tea on the kettle and go in for town once a month like a doomsday prepaor.
On my good days Getting back to my spiritual and mental strength. It's hard work, you were right. But it's rewarding it's on way... I hope again your spirit vists me as one sleeps and one awakens.
As it rains tonight I'm not crying in pain for the first time in awhile as we mark this day, but reflecting remembering the good times we had in breif... Watching some of my favorite movies with new eyes... It really does wake you up to all the things you were missing.
In my memory I see your laughter you hate, in my minds eye, it's so beautiful your smile, I when I told you stories of stupid things I've done on Skype.
I see you listening to me, I remember the time I sung to you even if now I find out I've had half a nostril maybe I'll take some lessons on that next when my ent says okay and I can go back to strength my diagafram whitch I thought was expensive until you added a dietain and psychologist and psychtraist... No money at all on anything and now reduced hours for the month while I try recoup mentally.
Hopefully again sometime soon, I'll start applying for roles out of Seattle, my MBA program should finish July 2024 I'd hope I'll be hoping you'll be able to find me easily enough if that's what you want to do but don't be surprised if you have to use some tricks on the internet, I hope they might help you and until me have to forget the ways of my well that side of me, I never want to see again.
My parcel hasn't arrived to my mail box but I'll tell you by giving you a clue that I'll be wearing it along with my medical alert dogtag, I hope I bless it with your strength and your aura incase I need it in the times I need your spritual presense hopefully soon you'll be seeing me wear it.
And I'm sure you already have done it but I give you the pecice of me to help keep you strong when you need it.
I didn't get a photo Friday but tomorrow if I go to the gym, I hit a few 33kg's sets and two on the 40kg on the lat pull down,
so that seemed to be my next weight target, so I think I'm almost reday to hit that number my muscles look so tiny here's to seeing them double in size maybe within the next few weeks?
Now that I'm in a better mental space, and hopefully my brain isn't eating my mucules I can start doing my protein shakes In between meals.
Still trying to correct my awful diet but I made four sets of almost *reday* overnight oats
Just add almoulmd milk and coconut yourgurt and it should be good I'm trialing four batches 2 tablespoons or one of coca powder, before trying to dial in my mixed berry toppings.
These little cups are great as the first you cant see indent is 250ml/250grams add 250ml mills of alomuld milk and it's good to go, expect I need to add some hemp protein and pumpkin seeds (whitch work better on my peanut butter toast...) but for now I added black chia and some seseme seeds until I can get more money again to go back out to getting them at the bulk place... Anyway back to gym stuff
I hope you'll enjoy the mucules when I'm ready to show them off, I'll warn you that I can't tell if it's my axenity but woman at the gym are looking at me either like damn e I'm so skinny hitting okay numbers, or they are looking like he's fucking crazy giving how skinny I am isn't to far off *lol*
But I'm not looking for a girlfreind like that I don't need casual sex, that's distraction from my goals, I am looking for my friend and companion to come back though... But I'll wait for her as she needs to be in the right place, because I got alot of catchup to do... Mentally and physically.
I hope today for you, you do something like a hike, you always liked hikes, or I herd there was hot pools but I didn't get out that way, Take a raincoat and a warm layer, Oh and I saw the news watchout for that collsum golf ball sized hail yeeeesh, that looked crazy... People these days underestimate mother nature is getting angry at us, I hope you weren't caught in it... then again I don't think you like Louie your more Harry but what do I know 😂
Peace
Love
& Ben and Jerry's-make a good vegan ice cream.
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