#like. WWX would do the impossible to make Jc the person who hates him irrationally so that he is not the bad guy in the relationship

[beartes22]

Constantly thinking about how WWX thinks about JC how he thinks JFM thought about YZY but mostly as how he denied and yet carelessly commented JFM thinks (disregards) about JC

It is so, so, so fucked up and one of the reasons why chengxian is so doomed by the narrative bc no matter what JC does or says, WWX already "knows" what is about. Bc JC is his shidi and WWX knows best. And still, pre masacre, pre core exchange, it could have work. It could have, because they love each other so much but JC lost his core. WWX thinks he chose his parents. He thinks Jc choose the dead bodies of his parents, a filial duty, over survival, over him. And he never forgave Jc for it.

Bc now is WWX turn to assume the consequences of his shidi actions, now it is his turn to bear the pain for him. And he does not do it with reluctance, he does not, he does it bc he loves Jc so so much, but still. Still. The hurt it caused it. The hell it send to him. The hopelessness.

And then to see his shidi thrive were he can’t no longer. To see him shine when he is but a shadow. To see him reach for the impossible time and time again as if it was not WWX who never gave up before, who rallied his shidi over his (small, imagined, greedy) woes. To see all that and know envy, envy he had denied his whole life and envy he will repress into resentment, into sth useful bc WWX is not like yzy or Jc he is not, he does not hurt the ones he lives with his jealousy and sense of inferiority. Bc how can he not envy, when one says his dad doesn’t love him but he still has a dad? When one says he is not enough for his sect when he has such a inheritance, such a clear path at life. And WWX never cared never ever ever, how could he? He loved his shidi best, in spite of all the bad things.

And somehow, Jc himself is a thing he has to be loved in spite of. And it’s heartbreaking.

#but WWX never will say any of that aloud or even think it clearly #this man has been running form negative emotion like he’s sprinting his whole life #also that would make him the bad guy and WWX has enough guilt to carry and not talk about already try #also I love Jc and it shows sorry #this is not to say he is a perfect shidi or anything the man is a mess #but all his doubts about WWX character have it reason. it’s proof #and maybe the proof was forged but it was there #he does not deal with a single emotion gracefully but he does deal with them. he lets them simmer for eternity #which is. not ignoring them. #bad but at least real. idk how to say it. #anyway it fucks me up how much agency WWX denies Jc and how much complexity he refuses to see #like. WWX would do the impossible to make Jc the person who hates him irrationally so that he is not the bad guy in the relationship #(which is more complex than good or bad guys but I digress) #I love when they reconcile but I also hate it. bc it is never acknowledged how much WWX daily shits on Jc as a person) #you can love a person you don’t like. it happens. #but the Jc in WWX head is not the real Jc and the sad thing is that WWX loves the real Jc not the inherited prejudice from jfm #but he can’t perceive him he refuses to he can’t bc then he has to deal with what he did to him. #he lied. he lied. he lied to Jc’s (and himself) so much he can’t no longer distinguish the truth of them and is so fucking sad #mxtx #chengxian #grandmaster of demonic cultivation