#like if ya'll have been here long enough you'll know i had a 'friend' who was the ony person who knew this was MY tumblr

[tntky]

My fucked up week and low mental health

Hi and welcome back to this new episode of my life is a fucking mess.

Today we are going to talk about my fucked up week and low mental health. I just realized that I was going to be this aunt.

Ya'll know which one i'm  talking about: the single and alcohol aunt always portrayed in movies. Living her best life. I read something on the Internet about me being a young adult. I'm actually 24 and this means that I am only six years into adulthood, but considering that three of them occured during the Covid session, it means i'm approx a 3 yo adult. Hence, i'm legit to not having done nothing much for my age as compared to older generations so I get that I shouldn't be putting so much pressure on myself.

But at the same time I can't stop thinking about how difficult it's going to be to heal from all the shit I put myself through. Shit that I cannot blame anyone else but me. What I meant about this aunt with an unstable or even a nonexistent life is that i really see myself as growing up as one of them. But they're always characters that don't settle because somehow they're better off on their own and know that all they need to do to get their way through is to love yourself first and then to get what you deserve i.e. you know your worth and you'll settle for it.

Don't get me wrong. It totally makes sense but at the same time, self love and being independent simply  cannot just replace romantic love. And having to do all these independent girl shit on your own wjile wayching your younger siblings or even people you know getting engaged or into real relationship while you're out there faking it, it's not that fucking easy. 

I just crave being in in a romantic relationship so much like who wouldn'twant that?!  Probably a bunch of people... but as silly as it sounds:  I love love. if that makes sense... and I hate the fact that love is not enough! Love is not what it takes to get you places or make things work. Relationship requires commitment, communication, engagement and all these shits they don't talk enough about it movies. 

I'm not gonna start bragging about everything that happened this week that brought me to this thinking point. It's just that I've been having really sad thoughts lately, so lucky you here's an entry.

I just feel so fucking lonely right now. I wish I could have a friend to talk to, but I'm bad at socializing and I don't really have what you can call friends. In fact, I'm just good at pushing people away or using them when needed and that's why I consider myself as an unfriendable.  But sometimes I just miss the feeling of being understood, or being able to talk to someone

And friends are not that easy to find and require commitment to accept them with their flaws which I cannot do because I'm a way too judgemental bitch. Yeah, as I was saying life sucks or it's just mine. I know  I'm far from being healed and doubt that I will be ready soon enough to make new relationships but i jst feel like i'm getting old and the older i get, the lonelier i am.  And this entry is just about me realizing that healing is gonna be fucking painful and a long and lonely journey.

Anyway, I hope you're having a good day. or that you had a great week. And that I am at least keeping you entertained with this. See you in next episode of TNTKY and don't forget to come back to check for new articles ( i haven't figured out how this thing works)  about me and my sick brain.  K Bye.

#mentally drained #introvert

[im-pok]

Just for fun (and to make these easier to find) I have made a compilation of JSRF quotes!

I did find the quotes from this video by RisingSonic17 on YouTube. I do suggest watching it as it gives more context to the lines:

Keep in mind that some interactions may be missing, as I have never played JSRF and may be unaware of some interactions. Characters and their quotes appear in chronological order according to the video.

Corn:

"This is the GG's Garage. Hey, where's our pizza? Huh? You're not the pizza guy? Oh, you're here to join the GG's, eh? Heh... Tell you what. Find Gum. She's the one you wanna talk to. Just get close to her and pull the 'Right Trigger'. Got it?"

"Why don't you talk to her now?"

"Now, just 'cause you're new don't mean you can act like a big baby. The police are tightening up here, especially since the Rokkaku took over the police force. I know we look crazy 'n all, but even we know to pick our fights. So don't mess things up for the rest of us, got it?"

"Roboy's training changes as your skill level changes, so be on the lookout."

"I had a feeling Poison Jam would have their hideout in the sewers beneath Rokkaku-dai Heights. This is it... looks like the time to throw down has finally come."

"Man, those Poison Jam freaks are out of control. I say we start on Chuo Street and cover everything to Rokkaku-dai Heights and 99th Street in our graffiti. Chuo Street is probably the best place to start."

"Roboy told you, right? If you find a Mystery Tape, you gotta check the GG-notebook. It'll tell you where to find the Graffiti Souls in the area."

"Where the hell is Yoyo? Maybe he freaked out and skipped town? I'm sure he's alright. But we gotta take care of those Immortals. They've been walkin' around like they own the place. We gotta go and cover up all their graffiti."

"I'll send those Immortals back to the grave as many times as I need to!"

"We'll stop those Noise Tanks!"

Gum:

"Poison Jam knows something about Yoyo. I know they do."

"Damn! Punk, I'll get you for that!"

"The fortified residential zone... that's deep in the ghetto. And it could be the fake one again..."

"Here they come. The crazies from the Golden Rhinos. Concentrate, and watch your back. These guys ain't no joke."

"We gotta protect the streets. That's not a choice. We can't let these fools just waltz in and take over."

"The real enemy is your own fear. Remember that."

"So you're the cat that wants to join us, huh? I don't know where you're from, but the streets are tough. Real tough. Let's see what you're made of. We'll start you off nice and slow. Let's see how much air you can grab. Press the "A Button" to jump."

"Dogenzaka Hill is GG territory. I heard there's some headphone wearin' freak creepin' up here. If I could just find him, I'd show him what's up...."

"You can do it, can't you?"

"There are a couple of places in Shibuya Terminal where you can get on the roof of some buildings. You can get there by jumping from a Grind. You should check it out. Who knows what you'll find up there? When you're looking for something, the best place to start is the Map. You can see it by pressing the START button."

"The area of 99th Street is built around a tower that has a bunch of places to Grind. Definitely check that place out. There are also telephone poles to Grind and billboards to Wallride... the most important thing is to just try everything out. Oh, and don't forget to check the map by pressing the START button. That should give you some helpful hints"

"We actually found Roboy in a dumpster. Corn fixed him up real nice."

"I've been lost in the severs before. Its kinda crazy in there, but as long as you keep moving up, you'll be ok."

"Yoyo just can't chill and stay out, can he? He'll be back soon, I'm sure. I heard the Immortals hang out in the skyscraper district or something..."

"Actually, they say Roboy is actually a Noise Tank prototype. Don't tell him that though, ok? We don't wanna make him cry or nothin'. In any case, we're gonna get those damn Noise Tanks."

Yoyo:

"Those tracks should connect Sky Dinosaurian Square to the edge of the skyscraper district..."

"I hear that Poison Jam's woman leader has been showin' her face in town."

"Man, the Rhinos gotta be pissed off!"

"Shibuya Terminal is in a state of panic. I really wanna stay out of this, but we gotta go over there and take care of business."

"Don't use your eyes. Just try to feel it, ya know?"

"Graffiti has the power to wake up the energy that's asleep in the streets of Tokyo. The Rokkaku Group... the police... they don't know what's up. So let's just cover this whole place in art, yo."

"Yo, you know that dude Hayashi from the Rokkaku police force? That guy is one messed up dude. He's a complete psycho. Watch out for him."

"I heard through the grapevine that some weird-lookin' girl's been hangin' out at Rokkaku-dai Heights."

"So you think Poison Jam is after us?"

"We gotta get the Doganzaka Hill goddess statue that Poison Jam took. We better hurry, or things are gonna get real ugly."

Beat:

"Anything go down while I was gone?"

"I've always thought that thing in Shibuya Terminal was nasty lookin' anyway! Let's do a little redecoration."

"Sometimes, you just gotta get moving or else nothin's gonna get done, yo.

"Hey, I've heard of you. You're one of the GG's, huh? Tell you what... I'll race you. If I can beat you in a race around Doganzaka Hill, then this place belongs to me. Got it?"

"Hope you won't regret that."

"Shibuya Terminal? Now that you mention it, there was this huge guy wandering around there... And fishy graffiti? That sounds familiar, but I didn't really look close enough to see if the graffiti that the fool was paintin' actually looked like a fish or nothin'."

"Hey. Is it true Poison Jam used to cause trouble in Chuo Street under a different name?"

"Rapid 99 of 99th Street. They don't show their faces in public very often. Some say Rapid 99 and Poison Jam are sworn enemies because something big went down a while back. I don't know the details, though. A friend of mine told me that the girls in Rapid 99 are real lookers. I just think he was too scared of 'em to say otherwise. In any case, it ain't gonna be easy to find 'em."

"You meet Rapid 99 yet?"

"Noise Tanks? Never heard of 'em. But we gotta find Yoyo. I'll go through the sewers and check out Kiboganoka Hill."

"Those Immortals really get on my nerves..."

"Crazy stuff is going down all over town! Looks like it's time for a little clean up... GG's style!"

Combo:

"Time to get serious."

"This kid's kinda funny."

"This time we should be able to tell if it's the real one or the fake Yoyo just by talkin' to him, right?"

"That crazy guy?! What're you talkin' about? He looks nothing like me. Besides, we don't got time to deal with that fool. Remember? The Golden Rhinos??"

"Well, they told us to come. Don't look like we got any choice."

"There are some things that you can only feel when you're out in the streets, you know?"

"What's this?! Who's been sprayin' these ugly tags on my turf?! Hmph. I'm guessin' it was you... Its on! If you loose, you're gonna be answerin' to me from now on, punk!"

"You think you can do this too? Let's see it!"

"Man, you're not all that. Here, I'll show you one more time."

"The deep end of the sewers is closed off because it's contaminated. At least, that's what I heard..."

"Hey, why you gotta go out and get a dog?! There's only one thing I hate more than dogs, and that's goldfish."

"I heard Rapid 99 used to run under a leader named Cube..."

"Thing that ticks me off most is, the Immortals ain't worth all this talk and trouble. I wonder if they got somethin' to do with Yoyo's disappearance?"

"There's a bunch of real big guys with real big attitudes causin' a big scene over on Highway Zero. Maybe they might know something about the Noise Tanks. Man, where the hell is Yoyo?!"

Rynth:

"What is UP with Yoyo, anyway?!"

"Hey, Graffiti Souls are a big commodity, right?"

"I don't care if it's a golden rhino or a blue hippo, I'll send 'em right back to the zoo where they belong."

"What's their master plan? I mean, the Golden Rhinos don't seem like their just out here to run the streets, you know what I'm sayin'?" (This quote was spelled like this in game. From my knowledge it should be "they're just out here...")

"Here comes Gouji. Let's end this."

"Did you get all the Graffiti Souls? We still got a full laundry list of things to take care of, you know."

"Hehehe... So this is your hideout."

"Poison Jam are... kinda cute!"

"Is it just me, or does Captain Hayashi not look like he eats his breakfast?"

Poison Jam:

"I don't think Yoyo's that kind of a person."

"I think hes hiding something."

"This feels like a trap. Be careful."

"Someone's after DJ-K?! You sure about that?!"

"Gouji Rokkaku is kinda interesting. But, I think he went a little too far this time..."

"I love everything about Tokyo... even the things I hate."

"Hur hur hur. You want to get rid of us, don't you? Nothing in life is free. You gotta work for it. Beat us in this race and we won't mess with you anymore."

"Har har har!! I told ya'll you were a bunch of wussies!"

Rapid 99:

"ghahah! Next thing you know, you will be all crying like a baby."

"If you can win a flag battle against us, I'll tell you where Poison Jam' s hideout is."

"Suit yourself."

Garam:

"I won't hold back."

"Hey. Keep it real."

"There's this lightning-quick girl over at Kiboganoka Hill. Dunno if she's still there. But man, I gotta say, I'm really trippin' out over Yoyo missin' and all."

"When it comes down to it, the Immortals are just dried up mummies, man. I bet they all nasty under those bandages."

Boogie:

"The Noise Tanks might look strong, but they're like cheap action figures! Just run into them and they fall apart! Oh yeah, that girl from the stadium... I heard she's been lookin' for us. You seen her yet?"

"Aww man..."

"The fortified residential zone... it's directly attached to the underground sewers. Man. I don't like that place at all."

"Is that dude in black even human? My heart's pounding... I don't know why."

"You're never as good as you can be! Don't slack off!"

"Y'all are crazy!"

Jazz:

"This doesn't look good."

"Alright. Stay cool."

"Yeah.... we were a little too laid back this time, I think."

"The fortified residential zone... hey, why don't we pick numbers to decide who goes?"

"It's about time the Rhinos brought things up a notch. We better be ready to get real serious too."

"What the hell IS that big thing, anyway? But, you better watch out for that fool in black..."

"If you get a "Jet" in the Trials, you can even use people who aren't here to take out into the streets."

"You're one of the GG's, right? Then tell this fool that they got the wrong girl! They think I'm one of you guys! So, they dragged me out here and looked what's happened to me!!"

"Hurry up! Tell him that I'm not a GG!!"

Noise Tanks:

"Hey, you're that GG that helped me out! Thanks for that man. Say... there's something that I've been wondering since then. You wanna find out who's the fastest? I KNOW I can beat you. Let's give it a shot!"

"Alright. Fine. See ya."

"I'll get 'em good no matter what!"

"The more worked up we get about this, the harder it'll be to find what we're lookin' for."

"There's somethin' not right about the way the Golden Rhino's are actin'."

"Why are those Golden Rhinos going after the Radio station? Well, make sure to be on the lookout for Captain Psychopath."

"We gotta save DJ-K! I can't stand listening to this music anymore!"

"If this town could talk, what poetry it would speak..."

"Ready?"

"Practice all you want, it will not make a difference."

"It is not over yet. Prepare yourselves."

"Heh... Go on. Fight!"

"Are you ready?"

Special interactions:

"Sometimes it just doesn't matter how much you practice."

Slate:

"Dude. I'm bored. Entertain me."

"Hmph. What a bore."

"My sources tell me that the Noise Tanks and the Rokkaku Group are in this together. Be careful."

"So is that Clutch guy in with Rokkaku too? Or is he just a little punk?"

"I'm about ready."

"The Golden Rhinos are really startin' to get on my nerves..."

"I got better things to do than play house with Gouji Rokkaku, but man, that big ugly thing has GOT to go."

"Graffiti Souls' sole purpose is to be sought out."

Clutch:

"You're looking for that kid, Yoyo, right? Tell ya what, if you go out and get some Graffiti Soul points... Hey! Wait a sec, you've already got quite a few. Lemme see those... Sucka! Thanks for the Graffiti Souls! See ya around!"

"Hah, hah! I look forward to it!"

"I dunno, but I just don't get what's going on here. Heh..."

"This Gouji Rokkaku dude is pretty funny!"

"Haaaahaha! Tokyo ain't half bad!"

Cube:

"If you can beat me at my own game, I'll leave you alone."

"Suit yourself."

"The fortified residential zone... Unless you're absolutely sure of your skills, you should stay away from that place."

"I've dealt with the Golden Rhinos once before. If you don't take them seriously, you're as good as dead."

"I can't stand even looking at that thing. Its just so... so... damn ugly!"

"Yeah. You just have to try everything with an open mind."

Beat to Corn:

"So you're the leader of the GG's? Heh... How's this sound? If I beat you in a race around Doganzaka Hill, you and your buddies have to answer to me from now on. If you beat me... well, we'll just see when it happens."

"Huuuh? You're so boooring..."

Talking to Beat in the garage before fighting the police:

"Anyway, I'm ready to rock. But what's up with that pooch, eh? Where did ya pick him up? You sure that's not the leader in disguise? Heh heh. Its only a matter of time before I become the leader of the GG's anyway."

Combo to Gum:

"What's this?! Who's been sprayin' these ugly tags on my turf?! Hmph. Was it you, princess? You've been a bad, bad girl. You've better hit me with everything you've got, 'cause I ain't gonna hold back just because you're a girl!!"

"The cue tone get you all jumpy?"

"You liked that, eh? I'll do it again for you."

Yoyo to Rynth:

"You're... like... you know... yo."

"Where'd you come from?"

Gum to Rynth:

Rynth to Beat:

"Cool. Welcome aboard."

"You kinda... smell weird."

Garam to Boogie:

"Hey. I'm next in command around here, little lady. The name's Garam,"

Combo to Boogie:

"This group is growing bigger every day. Fool just dig me, I guess."

Gum to Boogie:

"So you're the one from Kiboganoka Hill, huh? Well, this is the GG's. What you see is what you get. Just be yourself, you'll be cool."

Garam to Jazz:

"Well, um... I... uh... be cool."

"That freak who's been making all those weird tags... you think he's connected with the Golden Rhinos somehow?"

Boogie to Garam:

"Alright. Stay cool."

Jazz to Garam:

"I feel ya, but I think you should try to chill a bit. Keep it together."

Corn to Clutch:

"What a fool. But the fortified residential zone... that's deep in the ghetto. And it could be the fake one again..."

Jazz to Clutch:

"Don't push your luck."

Beat to Clutch:

"You just wanted some attention from us, right? Aww..."

Combo to Clutch:

"Man, you're such a jerk I almost like you."

Garam to Clutch:

"One of these days, I'll get you one-on-one! Just you and me, fool!"

Boogie to Clutch:

"Fine. I'll let you off just this once."

Slate to Clutch:

"Heh... Stay outta trouble."

Corn to Yoyo:

"Long time no see, bro."

Clutch to Yoyo:

"So you're that Yoyo guy, huh? Heh..."

Jazz to Yoyo:

"So, you're the real deal, huh? 'Sup. I'm Jazz."

Combo to Yoyo:

"You gonna go and try to get back into shape, huh?'

Garam to Yoyo:

"Heh... I caused enough havoc for the both of us while you were gone, bro."

Rynth to Yoyo:

"The most unbelievable stuff was happening while you were gone! Hehehe..."

Yoyo to Slate:

"Hey, sorry about all that, yo. My bad. But thanks to those fools, I'm all out of shape now. Maybe I'll go out and cause a little havoc to warm up, yo."

Yoyo to Jazz:

"Man, things have sure gotten busier sice I was last here?"

Gum to Beat:

"That fool dressed in black who's been hanging around Chuo Street... now that I think about it, you guys kinda look alike."

Clutch to Beat:

"In times like this, you won't fall as long as you look where you're going. Heh heh."

Garam to Beat:

"Hey, you know that guy everyone's been saying looks like you? Well, is it you?"

There is some cutscene dialogue missing from these lines. If I can find all the cutscenes, then I'll be sure to add them.

#jsrf #long post #jsrf beat #jsrf yoyo #jsrf corn #jsrf gum #Youtube

[ldyinblckmsk]

Pairing: Todoroki Shouto X GN! Reader

Genre: Angst

Words: 1k

A/N: Hey guys! welp this is my first time finishing a story. Yep, I'm a sucker for angst. I have so many plots in mind and all of them were just sleeping in my drafts ugh. This may not be a good one but I'm quite proud of myself for writing this one. I hope this gets attention ohmygod. Enjoy!

I wanted to make ya'll cry, so listen with this song.

----------------------------------------------

Everything is a blur. You were just outside of your house, sitting at the floor in your front porch with another can of beer on your hand. Crumbs of chips are everwhere on the floor together with five cans of beer that was making a mess. The cold breeze of the night makes you shiver and the alcohol isn't enough to warm you. It's not like you don't want to go inside your house. You just can't.

Because today seems like the devil is casting you a curse with ridiculous bad lucks you encountered, enjoying your torments as you make fool of yourself. Burning your liver with the bitter concoction as your mind wandering to the sole reason why you were out of yourself lately.

You didn't even know how you end up with a cellphone in your hand, dialing a familiar number as you squint your eyes trying to clear your vision. You found yourself laughing as you tried to copy the ringing of your phone while waiting for him to pick up.

Todoroki is surprised when he saw your number on the screen. He thought that you already deleted his contact when the two of you called it off last month. Confused as to why you're calling him at 3 AM, he picked up his phone, eyes still adjusting in the dark.

"Hello?"

On the third ring, you nearly jumped when you heard his calm and deep voice, excitement course through every veins in your body. His groggy voice gave away that you woke him up. Heart beating than the usual rhythm against your rib cage, you exhaled the air you didn't know you were holding before you speak.

"Hey!" You cringed when you heard your voice rising its pitch. Oh shit, that sounds like a mouse that had been caught in a trap!

"I'm glad you picked up, Shou." You giggled at the cute nickname, slurring some words that gives him a hint that you're drinking. You're drunk to the point that you're doing things that you'll regret when you wake up. "I thought you're not going to answer me hmp." You pout, your cringey childish self showing up.

"Y/n?" He's confused, checking his phone if it's really your number who called him and not some teenager's prank.

"It's already late. Why are you still up?" His concerned voice makes your heart clench.

"I want your hugs right now, Shou."

"Hey, did something happened? Are you okay?" You shushed him, shaking your head. "I'm fine. I just wanted to tell you that I missed you and I'm sorry."

"I missed our lazy date nights. I missed your cuddles. I missed the smell of your cologne. I missed how you ruffles my hair while you placed a kiss on my forehead. I missed wearing your hoodies..."

You let your drunken self take over you allowing yourself to verbalize all your true feelings you've been hiding.

"I missed you, love." You bitterly smiled at the endearment you used. It brings back thousands of memories you didn't want to forget but you didn't want to also remember either. It's just there locked in a box somewhere in your heart but you're conversation with him released all of it. And every single of them pricked your heart like needles.

The bi-colored hair man didn't know what to say. Hell, he can't even think properly. You're drunk and you're telling him your sober thoughts. He thought you're completely over with him, seeing you smiling while you're hanging out with your friends like nothing happened broke him apart. And yet here you are confessing to him.

"C-can I go see you?"

"No." You were taken aback with his immediate reply. Nodding to yourself as you let out a chuckle. You're proud to yourself that you're still not crying, always so good at hiding your emotions.

"It's late, go to sleep." His voice is cold and distant. But you didn't let it affect you as you shoot your shot again.

"I-I'll bring lots of your favorite soba. Cold ones are always perfect, right? Just wait, I'll get a ta—" He cuts you off. You heard a painful sigh from the other line.

"Y/n, We...already broke up." Hearing those words makes the alcohol in your body immediately disappear. With those sentence, you instantly sober up. "We broke up. Month ago."

He repeated like he's trying to make you remember it. It was just a misunderstanding. He's aloof and oblivious personality didn't understand your outbursts. You did trust him but his constant hanging out with Momo riled up your insecurities. And funny how they are a couple now.

"Yeah and I'm wasted." You chuckled as you began to cry, quietly, biting the inside of your cheeks while trying to control your emotions.

"Don't come here. You need to sleep. Drink lots of water when you wake up. We'll talk tomorrow–"

You cut him off before he hangs up, hands fiddling the hem of your shirt. "You know... it's been a rough day. Everyone's being mean to me."

Silence answers you but you still continue ranting to him. "I nearly got fired for standing up for myself when a customer throws her coffee on me because I accidentally messed up her order. T-then, I-I lost my fucking keys and it's cold."

"I lost the keys of my house."

You're having a hard time controlling your emotions now as you complained to him like a whiny child. Tears slowly cascading down your cheeks while you let out sobs.

"It's cold, Shou. I'm cold. And everything hurts. I wish you were here right now but, yeah, we already broke up." You didn't let him talk. "Just so you know I'm happy for you even if it's her."

"I'm right. Momo's better for you."

You were just sitting there, at the corner of your front porch. Deeps uncontrollable sobs squeezed your lungs. Your phone long forgotten as it slips from your hand and met the cold floor while you completely breaks down. You hugged your knees tightly burrying your head, serving as your emotional support now.

Pretending that you're already moved on from your heart ache. Smiling and fooling yourself that you didn't want him anymore. Saying you're fine when you found out that he's recently dating Momo.

All the pent up emotions you've been keeping from showing explodes like a burning magma finding its way out of the volcano. The cold air hits you again and this makes you grieve louder while shivering at the sudden drop of temperature.

Bullshit.

Out of your shrieks of anguish, clock hitting another hour you spent outside, phone still light up with your ongoing call with him, wind hitting your pitiful state, slowly and smoothly, tiny crystals glowing when lights hit it just right–snow descends from the sky.

"Fucking keys," you cursed. Eyes already heavy as Hypnos cradles you to sleep.

#todoroki shōto #bnha todoroki #todoroki x reader #bnha x reader #bnha #bnha angst

[msladyrosa]

I'm here to tell a story that my heart is screaming at me to tell.

This is me. I fucking hate myself, just as much as I fake loving me. I don't think I've ever been this contempt as I was in these photos. I'm awkward and I fake confidence by throwing sarcastic and snarky comments. My coping mechanism consists of lying and just hiding behind my fake me. I've created a confident, pretty and delusional front that isn't me, but it's just as real as the raw version. My raw is ugly and disgusting and I hate it. I hid it and for the love of the non existent God there is, I wish I didn't have the raw side. I write in my skin, because if I went back to cutting, then I would no longer have pretty skin that people can love. I love eating, but I don't do it, because of the fear of losing my 36,28,42 measurements. I'm suicidal, but heavens forgive if I make a joke about it in order to cope with my insane itch to make my skin purple. My arm hair is soft and the last time I shaved I was scared that someone might see the thin, white lines that are underneath. My body is sexy as fuck, but Heavens forgive me if I actually feel comfortable in it. Thoughts of "they'll be fine without me" or "it's better if I'm not here" are drowned by the words I told someone who was a suicidal as me, "killing yourself would not make the pain disappear, you're just passing it on to someone else". I'm such a fucking hypocrite, or is it just a twisted way of actual introspection? What is wrong with the way I walk funny because I'm dizzy for the lack of food is that people notice. Oh great deity in the sky, please allow them to notice, but forgive them is they dare to ask what's wrong. I look happy and relaxed in the photos, hell yes, but not I'm an anxious mess that's writing this in the middle of a mental breakdown. Parents are never the one's to blame, no forgive them for not validating their children's emotions and struggles. No, strict parenthood creates strong-willed, rightful and successful people that think of themselves as worthless, weak, pathetic excuses. Oh we lie, and we lie good. Ask actors if they had strict parents... You'll find none, why? Because strict parents will inforce you an internalized fear of failure outside of social norms and acting is "a waste of time" to their standards. Support doesn't come from the right sized bra, but it sure as fucking hell is welcoming to be held and somehow relived from a burden you didn't fucking asked for. I was so happy ya'll. I was in cloud nine. That day I had a date with a guy I like that I thought was way out of my league, I lied my way through his pseudo intellectual remarks and he believed it.

We know how to lie so good and so true that eventually you lose track of your actual motive to do it in the first place. Society wants you perky and pretty, fuck yeah they do. How do I get all perky and pretty when I only see disgusting, overdosed surroundings? It's easy to get worried when you finally realize somethings not right. It wasn't right to be kneeling at someone's feet screaming a nasty and raspy wail of pain. 10 years it took me to fucking do that and yet nothing really changed. Now I'm just looked at with pity and the quizzical look that can only mean "when is this one gonna blow up again?" Oh, honey, I won't, you're just worried that you're just realizing this now. It's easy to be outside and just stay that way.

I was so happy, all the time. I was forced to lie in order to move forward. You love me? Yeah, as long as you earn it. Are you proud? Sure, as long as you don't fail. Am I okay because I feel like this? Well, it's fine as long as you keep it in. It's beautiful. "As long as..." my reality had always been subjected to a condition, and clause, a fucking constant reminder that I have to earn my happiness. I have to earn my own idea of self worth that is diluted through your standards. I have to earn reassurance from the people I surround myself. I must assume the best case scenario but I can't be surprised when it's the worst outcome.

Having loved a mad human made me realize how flawed I am. I was happy. So, so happy I forgot I wasn't. I tortured myself through endless nights of doubt, starvation with a full kitchen. Sleepless nights contemplating self harm and then decided against it because I had work and the cute client at work would see how damaged I was. I tortured myself with the idea of loneliness in a see of people, only to realize I've been in that see long enough that I grew a tail and fins. I was plagued my guilt because I didn't love them, but when exactly did it go from happy to uttermost bullshit? I was so happy I forgot what sadness was.

I was so happy it started hurting. Hurting when I failed to do something. It was excruciating when I was not able to buy a car because I had noticed I had spent my money of pleasing those who swore they'd provide for me. I was in pain when I showered and instead of singing, I just blasted music loud enough so that nobody heard my hyperventilating bitch ass. I was in so much pain that I welcomed it as my way of happiness. I loved my pain, because I've had it my whole life.

I had it when I was in forth grade and in order to fit in I had to go a sneak around to kiss a boy, and I didn't want to. It was there when I was accused of fighting other girls, but in reality I was trying to establish my self worth, so I was punished. In fifth grade I loved a boy so much I had written beautiful words to describe how much I loved his smile, and so he said I was stalking him and he got scared; 2 months later I was in a shrinks chair talking about it; fast-forward to last night, that same boy explained to me how much he wanted to fuck me now that he had lost weight. Middle school was terrible. Seventh grade, I was constantly degrading myself because another pretty blonde chick was only my friend when she could laugh through me. I insulted a perfectly great teacher because she noticed my self destructive behavior. Eighth grade came and I was lost with a blonde boy. He was beautiful and I was not. He was friends with the girl that swore fielty to me and he chose someone else and because he chose the pretty pale skin on someone else, I settled for the kid that wantedto finger me in the bleachers during recess. Ninth grade came and I was failing classes, parents were strict and hurtful, but they aren't to blame for my shortcomings. That's when I found myself in the arms of the pretty blonde thing I had fallen for. The pretty girl had him in public, I could only have him when we snuck around and he would hold me and kiss me like holding on to his life line. I was letting him touch me, but my self hatred didn't know no boundaries so I suck to my knees and gave my first blowjob at the top of staircase wearing only a lazy purple bra and the school uniform and the shame I'll forever wear because I did it without wanting to, but because I was expected to.

I was so happy to be out of there, that I ended up sinking deeper into my lie. I was smart, new and vulnerable. That's how I met the wholesome boy I called my first boyfriend who was nice and respectful, but he was as ugly as they come. I was a queen to him, but he was looking more like the ogre on the fairy tale and there came my vanity, my ego, my selfishness. I was brutal and I couldn't care less. High school started with a bang with the boy I played with, and when he got to close to my actual raw person, I kicked him out with a bang and he cried. I just stood there not knowing how to react, so I just went on to the next person I could lead on and play. Junior year I knew was difficult, and a black boy with a nice boy and a promising basketball future came around, I once again craved approval and degraded myself to it. That's how I ended up sneaking around 10 minutes before my parents picked me up. In the second floor, I'd found myself again on my knees, and expected to give a blowjob in exchange for attention, and like before, I was hidden, and I expected to be I had tears in my eyes, but because of my shame. Senior year came in, and the black boy with the attractive body was replaced with another, but this one only had pretty eyes and the promise of spoiling me with his family's money. Once again, I said yes when he said he wanted me to be his girlfriend, at least this time I was not hidden, but I was back in the cycle and I ditched my best friend in a movie theater so that I would be in the backseat on a Dodge, sucking my pseudo boyfriend's dick with tears on my eyes, not becauseofhis size, but becausethe disgust towards myself. Like before, I was expected to do so, and so I did.

Heavens above forgive the religion to blame women for sin and lust, but instead punish us for the boys who couldn't keep their dicks to themselves. The end of senior year came, and I was relieved, but then I fell for the guy my parents liked. Humble background, similar interests, and a promise of stability. I was ditched because for him I was a whore and his friends told him so, I accepted the insults and insinuations.

I was so happy, I forgot the rest. College was great and a religious nut job, a platonic love, a semi smart dipshit with the complex of being over everyone in experience, a quiet mature man that treated me with decency, the suicidal broken guy who needed healing #1 and the suicidal broken guy who needed healing #2, later, here I am.

I was so happy in these pictures, I had no idea was contemplating my own disappearance. I write this with migrane, blue ink from a ballpoint in my thighs, with nostalgic memories of moments where my mind wasn't this crowded. I was so happy it hurt. I guess that my logic dictates that happiness is painful and that my pain can bring me joy, but fuck I was so happy.

I had everything. I was pretty, I was smart, I was important. I'm still all those things, but right this very second, I'm happy, and painful so. Heavens above forgive for I have sinned...

I dared to fail... I sinned

I dared to fall into lust... I sinned

I dared to judge... I sinned

I fucking dared to wake up every miserable day... I had sinned.

I dared to be painfully happy... I sinned

I lied... and so that's my greatest sin of all.

[haven-raven012591]

Proud!

Couples: Finn Balor X OC Raven and Seth Rollins X OC Dylan

Appearances by: Becky Lunch

Warnings: Angst, Fluff, cussing, mentions of sex.

Authors Note: the Gif's are not mine!

No one knew who she was. No one would know until he was ready for them to know. It was insane that they had been able to keep their life together a secret for the last four years. Of course his family knew, his most important friends and the higher ups at WWE. But the fans, the Balor club had no idea he'd been dating her, let alone doing it for four years. This wasn't their longest relationships but for her at least it was the best. He was the best person to ever happen to her. She was happier with him than she had ever been.

"So what are we gonna do when you win tonight?" Raven asked as she laid her head in his lap. "We're goin ta celebrate." Finn said. "As like a normal couple would or like we celebrate?" Raven teased. "Aren't we a normal couple?" Finn asked grinning. "No." Raven snorted out. Finn leaned back and laughed. "Yer right were not and ya'll see I've got big plans for tonight, win or lose." Finn said. "Oh?" Raven asked. She sat up and pecked his lips. "Tonight will be an amazin night in and out of the ring, I love ya lass." Finn said.

She blushed and kissed him softly. "Love you too." Raven said. He pulled her into his lap and she wrapped her arms around his neck. "Ya better love me, no one else will." Finn said. She kissed him long and slow gripping the hair at the base of his head. "You are without a doubt the best person to ever happen to me Finn Balor." Raven said. "Lass." Finn said. She looked at him and put her hand on his heart. "You're all I've ever wanted." Raven assured him. He took her hand and kissed her palm. "Finn you're never like this baby, what's wrong?" Raven asked.

He kissed her tenderly. "Just nervous." Finn said against her lips. "Don't be, I believe in you baby and I know you'll win." Raven said. He kissed her again and she held him close. "I have ta go." Finn said. "Ok baby I'll be there later." Raven said. He got up and dropped her on the bed. She laughed and he grabbed his jacket. "Wait, Finn I almost forgot." Raven said as she bounced off the bed. She gave him a box and he opened it. "What is it?" Finn asked. She put the bracelet on him and smiled. "It's a distance bracelet I have the matching one." Raven said.

She showed him the white one with the black bead. He put it on her and she smiled. "For when I go home and you're on the road." Raven said. "Move in wit me." Finn blurted out. "What?" Raven asked. "Please, we've been tageter for four years I'm tired of goin home and wantin ya ta be tere!" Finn said. She giggled and kissed him long and slow. "Yes." Raven whispered to his lips. He picked her up and kissed her passionately as he pressed her against the wall. "Sat it again lass." Finn growled as he kissed her neck.

"If you bite me." Raven breathed. He tilted her head back with his thumb and kissed her throat. "Finn." Raven moaned. He bit her hard as he laid her on the bed. Her body trembled under his and he growled against her neck. "Yes Finn, yes I'll marry you." Raven said. He pulled back and she blinked covering her mouth. She didn't know what he was gonna do and it scared her a little. His eyes were so blue as the dying sun light hit them. "Finn, I'm sorry." Raven panted. "I have ta go." Finn said and left.

She broke down and curled up. He made it to the lobby and went back up. Knocking on her door he could hear her crying. "Go away I don't wanna talk to anyone." Raven said. "Raven." Finn said. She ran to the door and opened it. "Baby I'm so sorry I do..." Raven was cut off by this searing kiss. "Don't lass, don't fuckin apologize." Finn said. He backed her up and shut the door. "B...but I meant to say I'll move in not I'll marry you, i mean I would gladly but you don't want that right now." Raven said. He kissed her again keeping her head in his hands.

"Don't say tat." Finn breathed. she looked at him and pulls his hands from her face. "Finn, do you?" Raven asked. "I want ya as mine I do." Finn admitted. "I am." Raven said. He hugged her and kissed her neck. Her brown black hair was so soft between his fingers. "I'll see ya later lass, I love you so much my Raven." Finn said. "I love you too my Finn." Raven whispered. She held onto him and wouldn't let go. "I'd love to move in with you Finn, I'm so excited to start this new part of our lives." Raven said. "Ya have ta let go first." Finn teased.

"Not ever." Raven breathed. He pulled back and kissed away the tears. "Shh beautiful." Finn soothed. "You scared me, Finn." Raven said. He kissed her passionately. She gripped his shoulders and he held her tightly. "I have ta go lass." Finn said. She nodded and caressed his cheek, looking deep into his eyes. "Don't ya dare." Finn said. "I have to." Raven said. He backed her into a wall. "No, i won't let ya apologize again." Finn growled. He walked to the door. "Ok baby." Raven said and smiled. Finn went to the door.

"Finn!" Seth called. Raven let him go and he left. She had no idea what was going on. Seth looked at him and smirked. "You ask her yet?" Seth asked. "No." Finn snapped. "What's wrong man?" Seth asked. "I...I froze Seth." Finn said as he looked at his friend. "You froze, so what did you ask her?" Seth asked. "If she'd move in with me." Finn said. "Ok not a bad start." Seth said. Seth's phone rang and he answered it and stopped walking. "No, stay right there I'm coming." Seth said. Finn looked at him.

"You get your ass to the arena before they decided to give your spot away." Seth said. "Ok, see ya tere." Finn said. Seth nodded and turned running back to Finn and Ravens room. She opened the door and he looked at her. "What's wrong, Raven?" Seth asked. "I don't know Seth, he's acting so weird and he asked me to move in, and then I said I'd marry him." Raven said as she sniffed. Seth hugged her tightly and kissed the top of her head. "Wear the new dress you bought for tonight and when you get to the arena get Dylan to fix your make up and hair." Seth said.

She grabbed her dress and things going into the bathroom. "Close your eyes." Raven called after a little bit. "They are." Seth called. She came out and fixed it over her curves. "O...ok Seth." Raven stumbled. Seth opened his eyes and he smiled as he thought about how lucky Finn was. "Holy shit." Seth said. "Too much, I mean the red matches his trunks." Raven babbled. The light burgundy color of the dress picked up the red in her cheeks as she blushed. "No not at all, he'll love the surprise." Seth said. They left and she played with her necklace Finn had given her at Christmas.

"Oh, Dylan's been wondering what that is." Seth said. "It's a Celtic shield knot." Raven said softly. "Hey it's ok, hes gonna love you being around the ring and backstage after his match." Seth said. "I don't know Seth." Raven said. He took her hand. "Relax." Seth said. Once they got there and she sat in Dylan's chair everything bubbled out. "Darlin he's gonna love you in this dress." Dylan said. "I'm kinda nervous about what's under it." Raven said. Dylan moved and looked at Raven in the eyes. "You two have right i mean in four years!" Dylan said.

"Heavy petting." Raven breathed. "What the fuck?" Dylan breathed. She sat down and looked at Raven taking her hands. "Why?" Dylan asked. "I have to go to my seat I'll see you later." Raven said. "Ra, hey answer me first." Dylan said. "He starts to then stops, like I'm not good enough or he doesn't like what he sees when I'm naked." Raven said. Dylan held her hand tighter. "Raven." Finn said. She turned and stood up. He looked her over and she blushed. "I need to go to my seat." Raven said and walked away.

Finn ran after her and she looked up at him. "Ya look amazin, lass." Finn said. "Why haven't you, why haven't we...it's done, were done." Raven said and ran away. He stood there dumbfounded. "Finn." Dylan said. He looked at her with tears in his eyes. "Oh Finn what happened?" Dylan asked. "She left me, she wanted to ask someting ten she said we were done." Finn said. Dylan covered her mouth and ran after her. "Ra stop!" Dylan said. She turned and looked at her best friend. "Talk to him just please talk to him." Dylan said.

"I can't feel my hands, Dylan." Raven sobbed. Finn ran up and Raven looked at him. He went to her and she looked at him. "Why haven't you taken me Finn, in four years we've come so close but you've never fucked me." Raven asked. He saw the sadness in her eyes and he kissed her heatedly. She shivered and he cupped her cheek. "Because I don't want ta fuck ya Raven, I want ya so bad sometimes but I don't tink, yer too pure for me." Finn babbled. She touched his heart and looked into his eyes. "Goodbye Finn." Raven breathed.

She walked to her seat and sat down. She watched Sasha and Bayley win and then Shane and the Miz lose. When Myriese said she was going to have another baby Raven started crying. She wanted a baby and god she wanted Finn but it was obvious she was the problem. His music hit and she stood up and watched him walk to the ring. He paused and looked at her then did his thing. When he took his jacket off he threw it to her. She looked at him and he smiled as he took the mic. He wasn't going to do this, it was so against his nature.

"As ya can see I trew my jacket ta a beautiful woman." Finn said. The crowd cheered and she held onto the jacket harder. "Come here, Raven please." Finn said. She went around and came up the steps. He sat on the second rope and she got into the ring. He lowered the mic and cupped her cheek. "Because I don't feel worthy of ya, Raven." Finn said softly. "You stupid boy you're all I've ever wanted of course you're worthy I want you to have that gift." Raven said softly. He pulled her close and kissed her passionately as his fingers ran into her hair.

She melted against him and the crowed cheered them. "Finn." Raven breathed. "Watch tis." Finn said and kissed her again. She laughed and he put the mic up. "Tis is Raven, and she's my beautiful, girlfriend." Finn said on a huge grin. Raven trembled and he pulled her closer. "I have ta do tis before I lose my nerve." Finn said and dropped the mic as he cupped her cheeks. "No Finn, not out here." Raven said. She kissed him passionately and he put her jacket over her shoulders. "Go ten and I'll see ya soon." Finn said.

"Thank you for doing that Finn, you have no idea what that means to me." Raven said. He kissed her long and slow. Lashley's music hit and she went to her seat. As soon as the match started she was up screaming. It wasn't a long match but as soon as the refs hand hit the mat for the third time she was in tears. He was the new Intercontinental Champion! She ran back to the back and into his arms. "I am so proud of you!" Raven said as she hugged him. "Tanks lass, I can't believe I did it!" Finn said.

She laughed and laid her forehead to his. "I can Champ, you're just that damn good." Raven said. He yanked her against him. He was sweety and his hair was a mess but she didn't care. "How about a kiss for yer new champion?" Finn teased. She caressed his cheek and kissed him long and slow. He pulled her into his arms and wrapped her legs around his waist. She ran her fingers into his hair and gripped at the short silky strands as he pinned her to a crate. He growled and pulled back.

"I want ya, I've always wanted ya Raven, yer just so pure and I feel unworty of ya." Finn said. She kissed his forehead softly and stroked his cheek. "I'm more in love with you than ever before Finn Balor, and would be honored to give you a gift I've been saving." Raven said. "I feel so honored Raven." Finn said. She kissed him slowly and smiled. "First your photo shoot champ, then we'll go celebrate with Dylan and Seth." Raven said. He kissed her long and slow. "First come wit me." Finn said excitedly. He put her down then took her hand.

They walked back to his dressing. He called Dylan and Seth over with Becky. "I want ta have a life wit ya, I want ta have ya move in wit me but also have ya as my wife." Finn said. "What?" Raven breathed. "I want ya ta be my wife!" Finn said. Raven started crying and shook her head. "Raven, my love." Finn said. "Yes!" Raven squealed and hugged him. He kissed her and she held onto him trembling. She smiled at him as he slid the ring on her finger. She looked at it and then showed everyone. "How things change in a few hours." Seth said.

"I know!" Raven cried. She held onto Finn and he stroked her hair. "Finn." Guy called. He looked at Raven. "I have ta go." Finn said. "I am so proud of you Finn, new Intercontinental Champion." Raven said. He kissed her long and slow. "I love you so much." Finn said. "I love you too." Raven said. They kissed again and he went to do his first photoshoot. "Yer a good match for him." Becky said. "I'm going to try to be." Raven said. "I know ya are." Becky said. "All I know right now is that I'm so very proud of him!" Raven said. They watched him doing his photo shoot and the feeling of pride seemed to grow with every photo taken.

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