#like i feel so. completely unmyself and incapable of being. a self that isn’t just. wallowing

[strawbebyjam]

why find a balance when instead you can swing violently between two poles

#by which i mean. Not Doing Good Again #GDJDHDDH #i think the worst part at this point is trying so much stuff to help myself #and to try to do better and be better #and it’s either all failing or completely out of my reach and control #like i really just need. to. like i just need. comfort HDJDHDHD which sounds so stupid #but i just want to let it all out to someone and be held and understood #i’ve crossed the point of wanting to fix things perfectly or dreaming up alternatives or anything #like i’m not. delusional about stuff anymore #i’m just sad and stuck and tired and sad #or i’m completely completely blank #and i have been trying so hard to find a healthy balance between them but nothing works BDNDHDDH #like i’ve even done the unhealthy dumb stuff and the unnecessary retail therapy attempt #like the stupid purchase thing delivered today and. lo n behold. i just felt gross looking at it GDJDHDHD #it’s useful it’ll be good to have when i have to attend the wedding but like #there wasn’t even a moment or spike of excitement it was just #Oh #It’s here #Okay #like i feel so. completely unmyself and incapable of being. a self that isn’t just. wallowing #and i’ve been trying not to be like that to friends and stuff cause it’s just pathetic #but at this point i just. am pathetic HDNDBDBD and either sobbing violently about it or completely monotone #but on either side i can’t get shit done i can’t fogure out shit about what i can do kr want to or need to do #i just feel like i’m. suspended in muck #and it absolutely sucks GDNDDBDB #fingers crossed that i stop zombying soon cause i hate it here but nothing i’m doing is getting me out HDJDHDH #neg #mano.mindtalk #i wanna be positive and kind and gentle and warm and pretty and Good and i am none of those things right now and feeling like i never have #been and like i can’t be and i hate it but hating the feeling makes me feel even more negative HDJDHDH there’s no winning