#like from experience that relationship dynamic IS abusive to autistic people it just is

[salemontrial]

Why the FUCK didn't Sasha apologize to Quinni.

#no im so pissed about that. #dude you don't give an autistic person a meltdown that big over something that hurtful #and just #walk away scot free #last time someone gave me a meltdown that hardcore I cut them off for a month. #that might just be the bpd tho #but still #quinni doesn't seem like the type to just. be chill without an apology and hearing sasha explain herself #and then she makes her her vice?????????? #she already acknowledged sasha is only in it for the power trip #sasha didn't even do anything in the investigation she just followed quinni around #which as she should #but she hasn't made up for how she treated quinni AT ALL #in fact she's just gotten MORE of a performative activist #like why the fuck was she such a bitch to missy abt spider #i get it yea. ur friends sometimes have dogshit taste in men but you don't need to make them feel like trash abt it #and the way she was like 'he fetishizes u for being black omg its probably asian girls next omg i dont feel safe' #THIS ISNT ABOUT YOU????????. #also she 100% jumpstarted quinnis identity crisis #with how she was constantly switching between infantilizing her and undermining her autonomy over her own decisions #and treating doing things quinni wanted to do and the specific way she needed to do them as a chore #and then victimizing herself!!!!!!! #like from experience that relationship dynamic IS abusive to autistic people it just is #idk if nt people get it but it's really fucking awful to come from your partner #anyway. until sasha apologizes to both quinni and missy this will continue to be a sasha hate page. #heartbreak high #heartbreak high season 2 #quinni gallagher jones #sasha so #missy beckett

[crypt1dcorv1dae]

I think part of why I like bbrae as a concept (and usually not in practice bc it's almost never been done successfully, cus I'm a picky bitch) is because one of them is absolutely terrified of being sexually intimate with anyone, not because she doesn't want to be, but because she's afraid of HERSELF and what she might do in that situation, and is also (from the ntt era at least) comes off, to me at least, as a big romantic who desperately WANTS to love and be loved but doesn't know how/is scared of that too, and probably has at least a little crush on basically everyone who has ever been nice to her (but she would never ever ever pursue that) (certain canon events aside) because so few people HAVE... She probably has a hard time truly differentiating platonic and romantic feelings (which is actually supported by canon) due to having little experience with either one so far, but she learns how to easier with time (but probably never fully grasps the "difference", and maybe there isn't much of one to her, because she's also extremely autistic. Go autism girl go!!!)

(also must be said that raven absolutely must be the equivalent of a scared prey animal, if she doesn't have little bunny rabbits anxiety at all times it's just not my raven)

And the other is someone who will basically throw himself at anyone who gives him half a chance but has never had a successful, healthy relationship because he's been used and abused almost his entire life, has only had a few scant healthy influences on his life since he was a small child, his character, to me, is FUNDAMENTALLY influenced by being an abuse victim, and that type of trauma almost always causes some kind of issues later on with emotional connection and intimacy. He's got the physical stuff handled, that makes him feel useful, but he's scared to let anybody actually IN given how badly people who were SUPPOSED to care about him have treated him in the past, so that kind of emotional intimacy is terrifying to him. (Which is often supported by canon, he rarely lets down his mask and truly let's people in)

Also tbh gar BPD king

So, basically, I like the relationship in concept because it's two people who are so so different, who feel and love and care in SUCH different ways both because of trauma and because of just... How they're built. but both being willing to try to bridge that gap to understand each other despite speaking completely different languages and making absolutely no sense, and building something that's absolutel nonsense to anyone else but it makes sense TO THEM amd it WORKS (first platonically, bc I cannot see these two ever growing feelings without a good 7 years of comradery as a foundation, and also bc both absolutely would need full-adult emotional maturity to make a relationship work with all their Trauma Landmines to avoid)

And this is why I am extremely fucking picky about content of them (both canon and fan made) because almost NOTHING I've ever come across has ever even scratched the surface of the kind of dynamic and relationship I know they COULD HAVE... No offense at all meant towards people with a different take on them, it's just not my style

#not tagging this i know the right people will find it

[theghostinthewords]

so i've seen a few people on here complain that wednesday was a contradiction of a character because she's fascinated by the macarbre until it was tyler.

i'd like to offer my perspective as someone who reads and writes horror, who is autistic, and who has an interest in both true crime and the ethics of true crime media. i'm going to contextualise these more widely and then bring it back to wednesday

content warnings for discussion of abuse and trauma, but nothing graphic, also this ended up being an incredibly long post but i'm not sorry about it

the tl;dr is that liking horror and wanting to be actually near it are different things

i enjoy both writing and consuming horror and gothic media for a variety of reasons. i really love gothic settings, and modern horror, and find the dynamics between characters can be fascinating when done well. watching characters do fucked up things in spooky castles is just fun, it's entertaining, and for me - it's cathartic

i've survived a horribly abusive relationship, where everything about me was controlled, from how i looked to who i spoke to, and what i said. i've lost nearly a year of my life to it, and i've only been free a few months. i find catharsis in reading stories where the things that happened to me happen to others, because what happened to me is far outside the realm of what the majority of people experience, and few people are going to understand the dynamic i survived in. i actually prefer to see it fictionalised, because i don't want to use others' experiences for my own healing. it feels unethical.

equally, i enjoy media where people do fucked up shit media where characters push the boundaries of what someone can, should, would do to another person is interesting to me, and i'm not going to be ashamed of that. i'm someone who has survived a multitude of situations where my agency was stripped of me. media in which characters are just totally unhinged and awful? freeing. it's like watching the other end of the spectrum, wherein someone has their agency and uses it to just wreak havoc. it's cathartic, in a different way.

i'm also interested in true crime - and i'm interested in the ethics around liking true crime (i.e. engaging with the interest without fetishising the perpetrators or retraumatising or fetishising the victims, because oh god there are problems with that within the general community, and i tend to be very careful about how i engage). part of the interest for me is the way we engage with it. there's a tendency to treat serial killers like they're fictional characters, and the events like they're fictional, when they're not.

with this context, i can understand why wednesday is interested in these things and still want them to not be anywhere near her. she mentions an interest in serial killer diaries. those are removed from the killings, both because they don't involve actually interacting with killers or particularly observing them as people. tyler, meanwhile, she has to interact with, she's put enough emotional investment in to want to kiss him. he's not fictional. she can't compartmentalise that away. and that's complicated!! it's nuanced! it's interesting to me as a viewer, because i get to watch her go 'oh i liked these things but not like this god not like this', which is something i personally love watching!

i think it has the potential to set up some really interesting internal conflict for her in s2, honestly.

#netflix wednesday #wednesday x tyler #wednesday netflix #wednesday addams #weyler

[margridarnauds]

20, 21, & 25?

20. part of canon you found tedious or boring

In BG3, it really is not controversial to say that Act 3 drags, but...it does. So many quests that I never intend to do again, so many artificially difficult boss battles, so many *fucking githyanki EVERYWHERE* ALL SAYING THINGS LIKE "IN VLAAKITH'S NAME" like shut UP, all building up to you grinding up the last few levels that you need to FINALLY. FINALLY. Get into the endgame. From the point I killed Orin onward, the game ran smoothly, for a very intense five hour or so finale, between killing Orin, destroying the Steel Watch, killing Gortash, and then going into the confrontation with the Elder Brain.

But getting up to that point...

Oh, boy.

FUCK the Cazador boss fight in particular. And the Viconia one. Fuck them, fuck them, fuck them.

21. part of canon you think is overhyped

I am once again on my hands and knees begging the BG3 fandom to remember that @_starion is not the main character of the game. There are many other Origin Characters in BG3 who are not @_starion. They are very good. Their stories touch on similar themes around bodily autonomy and abuse, he is *not* the only one. People are allowed to like him, they're allowed to see themselves in him, but you'd think he was the ONLY ONE when....no. (Also he is SO whittled down from his canon characterization -- like he was an actual cunt to my first Tav.)

25. common fandom complaint that you're sick of hearing

Honestly, at this point, I see more people complaining about Ascended! @_starion fans than actual fans and it feels quite performative at this point. I don't know what the situation is like on Twitter or Tiktok -- I don't particularly *care* to find out, especially since he's probably....my least favorite of the Origin Characters, not my least favorite companion in general. And there's this slight air of sexism about the whole thing given that it's always "those stupid women don't know what they're doing/they're romanticizing vampires/they're sexualizing the poor 200 year old baby", like. Bruh. *Bruh*. If you don't play your cards right during that final confrontation, he will *leave your party if you don't ascend him*. I've considered doing it with a Tav that ascends him out of love, wanting to give him what he wants, only to realize they've created a monster, because THAT'S narratively compelling to me.

...I don't know, part of the joy of RPGs for me is that every player character is different. My first Tav had a very different relationship with him (worsties) than my second Tav (who is banging him) and my third Tav (who is platonic besties with him since she's a lesbian and considers him #OneOfTheGirls). I don't like applying a broad "if you do this, you are MORALLY WRONG" or "If you do this, you don't understand the character", since the character reactivity can be insane. In three main runs of BG3, each of my PCs had different dynamics with each of the companions because of the decisions they made and the conversations they had. I've unfollowed long-term mutuals over @_starion discourse because I just. Did not enjoy it. He's not a real sexual abuse survivor, he is pixels, and the way we react to him...it can be telling, yes, but any time you have a character who appeals to so many people with varying types of traumas, it's bound to get very heated, and a lot of people get hurt, and I'm not interested in seeing that.

...so I stay in Devil Daddy Land. Yaaaaaayyyyyy.

Since I've been very harsh on @_starion, I also see a lot of G@le fans say that he isn't REALLY mansplaining, if you think he's mansplaining or you think he's annoying, you're ableist and...with respect to my fellow autistic people in fandom, who see themselves in him.....I can both sympathize with him and ALSO remind them, very gently, that autistic men can be sexist. And it can remind autistic women who have had to smile through the sexism in favor of solidarity of real experiences they've had. I don't HATE him, I like him, I hated sacrificing him in my first run, I think the creators HAVE done him wrong, one day I do want to do a run romancing him....but I will say, as an autistic woman (?) in academia, that he does kind of remind me of sexist male colleagues I've had and the way that they tend to be catered to and respected and the way that they tend to put themselves over their female autistic colleagues. I'm not saying that the CHARACTER is sexist or that if you LIKE HIM you're sexist -- he has a LOT of really, really attractive qualities, but I'm saying that people also aren't inherently WRONG to interpret it as mansplaining, either. Again, player reactivity. For me, he is always one step away from telling me "now, are you SURE about that?" when I talk about a topic that I've spent the last year working on.

(Also a lot of G@le VS @_starion discourse boils down to "Why are people focusing on this white dude when they could be focusing on MY white dude?" Which is rich coming from the Raphael fan, I know, but I'm not trying to guilt or shame people into liking my meow meow...and in fact prefer the small group we have.)

[monochromeheartbeat]

what do you think about the autistic brittany headcanon?

I think this is something that deserves a lot of thought and reflection, and I’m honestly not certain I have the best answer to it. Under the cut cause it gets long:

As an individual, I’ve had a pretty traumatic upbringing — one that at a very young age put me in a very untrusting dynamic with therapy that I won’t get into because it’s sad. And then my relationship with my adoptive mom was strained because she was studying psychology and did that thing you’re not supposed to do, which is to diagnose those close to you. With everything, founded or unfounded, based on a lot of struggles I was navigating balancing this growing up too fast and out of my control with desperately wanting to just be a kid, you know? And the support just. It didn’t exist for me in the way that was what I needed. Which was kindness and gentleness and patience.

So I have a hard time with the idea of head canons in general. I have a personal disdain for when people project their ideas of what they think of me onto me. It’s why I struggle with labels. I’m already a minority in so many ways — an orphan, adopted, mix-raced, Asian-American, 1st generation, unstable home, trauma/abuse, etc, etc. Discovering (through this particular fandom) that I was queer, I was like. Great, another box! (it's honestly okay - great even - now, but I was so afraid of losing what little I had when I realized it)

Don’t get me wrong, I believe mental health is SO important. I think I'm using mental health as an umbrella term here to include just general psychology terms, as I think autism is a learning/social disorder, not necessarily a mental health one. Idk, I'm really lacking in knowledge here. Still, diagnoses help with getting treatment or routines created and can really help improve quality of life. But autism specifically sounds like such a difficult thing to navigate, because autism is one of those diagnoses that can really restrict your personal freedoms because of prejudice against it (like whether or not you can gain citizenship in other countries). So I understand why a lot of people turn to self-diagnosis as an alternative.

But from my experiences with childhood, I am torn between having seen my parental figure diagnose me in an unprofessional capacity (and therefore concerns around self-diagnosis) and professionals harm me with good intentions but lack of care or tact when dealing with a child (thus a personal distrust of therapists that yes, I've worked on somewhat, and yes, I know better to ask for what I need than wait to be told).

The short of it is… I don’t think I’m qualified to tell you if this fictional character is autistic. I don’t know a lot about autism. I love that people identify with their favorite characters, and I think if that’s how you relate to that character, it’s a wonderful and special relationship you have with them. I think if she is autistic, she suffered in the sense that… canonically, Brittany never got the support from adult characters in the show other characters got. No one took her needs seriously. I didn’t really watch the season her parents were introduced (and I won’t get into my feelings about having been raised not being told I was Asian until later in life, the racism I experienced and didn't even understand, and how I feel in regards to the casting of Pierce Pierce), but from what I did watch and remember, her only support was really, truly, Santana. 

I love that Santana was her support system. I hate that she didn’t get explored with the depth and care other characters got. I hate that she was the butt of so many jokes. Yet, I loved Hemo for being so good at being so funny anyway. And I don’t know if we have enough information about her to determine if she was or wasn’t autistic. And I’m sorry I’m not more knowledgeable about autism in general. I know that it’s a more common topic of discussion than it was when I was more socially engaged on the internet a decade ago. My coworker talks to me often about his experiences, which is the only true source I have for autism information, but he's a new friend and I'm still learning a lot. But I hope I’ve answered this with as much respect and sensitivity as I can, because I don’t want to perpetuate any harm to a community that experiences a lot of stereotypes and misinformation. 

#heebeeasks #anonymous #under the cut

[irrealisms]

hi! for that ask game, uh, i don't super know what i can reasonably expect you to have opinions about, so i am hoping this will work better if i give you a list and you can pick and choose stuff to have opinions about? ☕️+ [c!phil, c!sam, hannibal (the show in general, or just the guy if you want), pangolins, love (as a concept / as it applies to your own life / a specific flavour of it / whatever), the history of science]

c!phil - i am TRYING to like him okay i am TRYING. i. like him more than i used to. definitely. he's a super interesting character! i want to like him! unfortunately when it comes down to it i am just... ultimately not really a c!phil fan. pensive emoji.

c!sam - i loooooooove him. representation of autistics who just kind of suck and are bad people. he is so rigid and bad at understanding people and bad at plans changes and especially bad at not responding by digging himself deeper and he has a complicated relationship to [personhood], he is part of the machine that eats people and he is an awful person-machine and he never asked why do you want this horrifying prison made, just how do you want it made, and he follows instructions to the T long after it no longer makes any sense for him to do so and sometimes he enjoys the cruelty and sometimes he doesn't and either way he continues being awful in this terrible methodological way because it is too worn into him to do anything else. i love the parallels between him and c!dream, between these two sadists who made their own prison. i love his desperation to be doing a good job and obeying all the rules and i love his deep and abiding misery that comes from it and i love his power trip that comes from it and i love his self-justifications and his insistence on always doubling down rather than admitting defeat. i love the way he is both a dom and a sub (not in a sexual way but in a deeper way of relating to the world) because he gets an awful sort of enjoyment out of Enforcing Justice And Rules on others but also he does it to himself & he wants so badly for someone else to take control of his life and pat him on the head and tell him he's doing a good job. he is Crushing and Being Crushed! i love. my local Buried TMA Avatar .

hannibal - HANNIBAL MY ONE TRUE LOVE....... watched s1 for the first time when i was 13 and it dug its way deep into my brain and will not be coming out ever. the capital-r Romance of it all!!!! sometimes i think all i ever want is to be in a relationship like that, all-consuming and hungry and conjoined and eating and being eaten, understanding and being understood on a level no one else can touch, and then i remember that's why i go to church. other times i think, this is horrifying, this is abusive, why does no one see or acknowledge that this is horrifyingly abusive, like-- i realize that there is Murder involved as well but the fandom is so victim blame-y and buys into all of hannibal's rhetoric without acknowledging the power dynamic and it's so profoundly uncomfortable sometimes-- i realize there is sexism and racism in the show which we can talk about all day long but the show is so profoundly anti-ableist in a way almost no tv shows are and the fandom is so!! fucking!!! ableist!!!!! it's about love and it's about the things we do to survive and it's about trauma bonding and it romanticizes all of these things in a way that rings very true to the experience and also gives me very very complicated feelings sometimes and. screams. also it doesn't care about consensus reality but in a way that is realer than real, truer than true. it taught me a surprising amount of pretty high-level literary analysis when i was in the fandom back when i still read meta for it obsessively instead of largely giving up on the fandom in disgust. we construct fairy tales, and we accept them.

pangolins - i'm a fan. he's just a little guy!!!!!!!!

love - ooooh this is a complicated one. it is so broad. i love so many things and so many people, at least in English, in the ways we define the borders of [love]. i fall in love so easily, much easier than i fall out of love. part of what made Christianity appealing, maybe, is agape. i want, have always wanted, to love everyone. this connects to hannibal, a little, and also to ender's game, and to a wind in the door. when you understand someone, no matter how horrible they are, you cannot fail to love them, the same way you understand and thereby love yourself. love your neighbor as yourself. the existence of a creator implies the existence of a loving creator; to will someone's existence is the same as to will their good, because [what good-for-someone is] is [Being-themselves]. i don't find that argument wholly persuasive on its own but there's a seed in there that is compelling. love is not always unterrible; cf hannibal again. love can be monstrous. i think a lot about john darnielle's quote about love love love--quite possibly my favorite song of all time--

The point of the song is, you know, that we are fairly well damaged by the legacy of the Romantic poets--that we think of love as this, you know, thing that is accompanied by strings and it's a force for good, and if something bad happens then that's not love. And the therapeutic tradition that I come from--I used to work in therapy--you know, also says that it's not love if it feels bad. I don't know so much about that. I don't know that the Greeks weren't right. I think they were--that love can eat a path through everything--that it will destroy a lot of things on the way to its own objective, which is just its expression of itself, you know. I mean, my stepfather loved his family, right? Now he mistreated us terribly quite often, but he loved us. And, you know, well, that to me is something worth commenting on in the hopes of undoing a lot of what I perceive as terrible damage in the way people talk about this--love is this benign, comfortable force. It's not that. It's wild, you know?

it is still love. bad and destructive love is still love but it's not good, necessarily. i find it beautiful anyway & this is what i mean when i say hannibal dug its way into my brain. i talked about love coming from understanding but it doesn't have to, always, i don't think; that is a certain sort of love but there are others. some people i don't understand at all & i wonder if i ever did & i still love them deeply & will never be able to stop. there was a girl (is she still a girl? i don't know. i knew her as a girl) i spent every tuesday with in elementary school and we would go to the pool and afterwards we would eat cookies and popcorn and watch mythbusters. i have not talked to her since i broke up with her, the summer between freshman and sophomore year of high school (has it really been seven years?), and we were terrible for each other but whenever i think of her i hope she is doing well. that's love, too, i think. whenever i talk with my parents we are both of us never sure what to say, and i spend much of the conversation uncomfortable and confused, and neither side really understands the world the other grew up with and lived in, and we never will, and we would both do almost anything for each other no questions asked, and we end every conversation i love you / i love you too. sometimes love is about the not understanding and loving them anyway, about my dad watching mcc with me or me watching hallmark movies with my dad. it's complicated. love is not just one thing.

the history of science - i think it's beautiful of people, and very human of us, to always be curious. to be trying to figure it out. people sometimes frame science and religion as opposed; i was too [raised on madeline l'engle] to ever go in for that, i think. if a religion is about knowledge and truth and beauty then science is no threat to it; if it's not, what's the point? certainly i know too many science people to have ever believed that science and art, or [knowing how something works] and [appreciating its beauty] are opposed! see this xkcd and this comic. so I love the history of science in that... people have always been doing this. people have always been loving things and trying to figure out how they work and rejoicing in the knowledge. but it's also complicated, because the history of science is often horrifying, is people papering over atrocities if they get in between themselves and the shining beautiful thing that they love, or taking and using the knowledge that they get to create the atrocities. but also i know that this dialectic is just... how humans are. cf. my answer about love, again. sometimes love is destructive.

#therapists dni

[spirituallyme2]

TF Journey... Not a positive post because that's just not where I've been lately. I've been falling apart since I met my the person who happens to be my twin soul. I remember looking up all of my symptoms and being shocked after a reading confirmed this. I wanted a soulmate in my life. Not this heart wrenching dynamic where I'm alone and can't get someone I don't talk to out of my head. I literally don't want to be a part of this.

The "supernatural" phenomenons that come with this journey means that you can't even tell a regular therapist about this. They'd look at you like you're crazy. You can't even really be treated for limerance because that's not what this is. This is against my will. Why is this persons name, date of birth, car and everything else suddenly me everyday. My toddlers literally say this persons name several times a day and points out their birthday even though they weren't taught this information. How is this possible?

I see plenty of videos of people trying to manifest a twin flame and I wonder if they know what they're asking for... how miserable and agonizing the journey can be. There's no guarantee for union because this journey isn't a romantic one. It's about you. Most of the stories I hear are people who grow old with this pain and never have another fulfilling relationship in their lives. Their twin flame haunts them.

I'm literally fighting for my life right now and want to give up every single day. I wanted a soulmate but God said, you get no one. You can work on all your traumas while you're struggling as a single parent. Your brain will obsess over someone you barely know against your will. You weren't ever loved and experienced gut wrenching traumas all your life? Here's some more pain because what I have you wasn't enough.

I don't even have childcare, my children aren't school aged and they're not sleeping through the night. I don't get to sleep and I don't have any help so I'm tired. It's literally just me 24/7

If I didn't have kids... I wouldn't voluntarily sit through this journey. This feels like the straw that broke the camel's back. I would've definitely tapped out. It feels like a cruel joke from the universe.

Their father raped me for years and he still abuses us. I was severely abused the first 18 years of my life by my mom and her husband and a good part of that was in a 3rd world country where I really suffered. After I had my first baby, I couldn't take him home from the hospital for 5 months. I watched him die and be brought back.. my heart couldn't handle all this. I started dissociating. Two emergency c-sections, two NICU stays and enduring their father's abuse.

The military almost broke me. I don't even need to expand on that.

I'm late diagnosed autistic so I didn't know why I was different all my life. I didn't learn to make friends so I've been alive for 3 decades without friends. Life is so lonely sometimes. My traumas have also led me to live a life of solitude. I have no personal relationships other than my children.

I have treatment resistant depression with suicidal thoughts. There's nothing doctors can do for me. They tried treating me for years with so many different therapies. My baseline is literally not wanting to be alive every single day.

My mother's last text to me was her saying she didn't care...

I just wanted to experience love in my life. Connection with another human being. I feel like with children, they have no choice but to love you. They're programmed to do that and it's transactional when they're young. I'm the person that meets all their needs.

I wonder if I'll get to experience love or happiness before I die. I wonder if I'll get to feel what it's like to not be passively suicidal everyday. I wonder if my life will ever have been worth it because it's definitely not right now.

I finally made up my mind to live in solitude and try to love myself as is and then I met the person who my brain would obsess over and there's nothing I can do about it. This just threw me all the way off. I want off of this ride.

Am I making up for being a horrible person in a past life? Is this a punishment? Is earth a prison for me and living is my own personal hell? I believe it because I don't see anything else that proves otherwise

[colorisbyshe]

I feel like in a lot of circles including irl, identifying as ace is the cost of entry for discussions about things like a complicated or painful relationship to sex and rape culture. I used to identify as ace because I needed to pay that entry fee and hey I fit their very loose definition. But I stopped being comfortable with the infantilization (esp being autistic) that goes with the label and it's so frustrating to be locked out of those essential conversations now because people think I have a "normative" relationship to sex when I'm literally traumatized and stone. The current state of how people talk about asexuality is so counterproductive.

I don't know if it's a cost of entry thing so much as it is... an easier way out and also a part of a larger obsession with Facets of Who I Am Have Now Become Meaningful Public Identity.

I'll explain what I mean on both fronts.

It's an easier way out because asexual is no longer a neutral term, it is an empowering term. To acknowledge that you are ace is to empower yourself, reclaim your struggles, and exist defiantly against "normative" sexual desire, whatever that may be.

It means it is an inherent part of who you are, not something you can change or work on. Instead of having to reflect inward and address any possible trauma, internalized homophobia/transphobia/racism/etc, or sex shaming attitudes you have grown up with, you can just go, "I'm ace, the only difficulties I face are from outsiders who are aphobic, not my own experiences, beliefs, and traumas."

No more internal work is required. And then to say "Actually, I'm just on Zoloft and my libido is dead" or "Actually, I am just recovering from abuse" or "Actually, I just have very different sexual boundaries than is expected of me and maybe do not like penetrative acts done to myself," somehow becomes an affront of the community.

Nuance isn't allowed, just hegemony. Asexuality has become a broad, broad term (essentially meaningless) to encompass a lot of experiences... many of which contradict each other... and to vocalize that contradiction is to be aphobic. Everyone is stepping on each other's toes rather than admit that maybe, just maybe, they aren't actually sharing the same umbrella and don't belong under the same term.

Now as to what I mean by "Facets of Who I am Have Now Become Meaningful Public Identity."

I think there has been a weird shift to make EVERY part of you an indicator of your social standing. You don't have kinks, you are a Kinkster in the Kink Community. You didn't go through sexual abuse, you are a Survivor. You don't lack sexual attraction or only feel sexual attraction once in a while, you are In The Ace Community.

As people of color, LGBT people, disabled people, and other oppressed groups have gotten more mainstream recognition to talk about their oppression and represent their experiences, a lot of people see that sense of community and try to recreate it.

Everything is a community. Everything is a social strata. Everything is a part of an oppressor/oppressed dynamic.

You can't just have interests or nuances or hobbies. You have a Community that is supposedly monolithic and representative of a collaborative interest.

Fuck, it's even done to fandom where everything becomes a fucking sports team. It's not "I like this band," it's "I'm part of Fandom Name."

People have to list everything out like every part of their identity belongs on the census.

Because they saw marginalized people as communities get holidays or media rep or whatever and failed to see them as political coalitions against oppression. They just saw them as fan clubs or sports teams fighting for entertainment.

It's a larger social problem where everything needs a label and needs to be socially meaningful.

It's the same shit that gets people listing out their every mental diagnosis or kink in their bio. Like... nothing can be personal and everything is a status symbol.

#this is a bit half baked #anda i can expound on it more #but i am SLEEEEPY

[baku-bowl]

broke 1,000 followers (the fuck? I don't even make content people), so decided to write up a list of some (but not all, I'll make other lists later) of my favorite Bakugou-centric fic recs. my tastes run towards hurt/comfort, as you'll probably figure from the list. if there are some Baku-centric fics that you've enjoyed that aren't on here, please add them - this is definitely not a complete list of the ones I've read and love, but I'm always up for some recs. <3

fair warning, most of these are wips.

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Social Media 101 by WindsChild8178

Part 1: Survival Guide to Fucking Up

[Solely Bakugou’s point of view]

Katsuki Bakugou doesn’t have a gentle bone in his body. He’s aggressive in everything he does and does everything with 100% of his heart in it. After the Sport’s Festival, Katsuki starts to get harassed by strangers for his unheroic demeanor. It starts with letters but it doesn’t end there. The moment Katsuki realizes the harassment has entered dangerous territory and he needs to tell someone, it’s already too late.

Part 2: Post Traumatic Life Disorder

[Point of View opens up to Bakugou, teachers and classmates]

When the Dorms are finally built, everyone is settling in well, but things become tense as people begin to realize something isn’t right with the recently rescued Bakugou.

[Cannon compliant right up to after the License Exam]

hands down my favorite fic in the fandom right now. it’s the one that converted me into a Bakugou lover. if you have any fondness for Bakugou as a character then it’s likely you’ve read this one already, but if not, I can’t recommend it enough. incredibly depressing, but with the hope that comfort is coming soon in the next few chapters.

The Kids Will Be Alright, Eventually by NotWithThatAttitude

Bakugou is spiraling in the aftermath of Kamino and his friends are starting to notice. He's stubborn, aggressively independent, and less than willing to dig into his past, but after a breakdown that ends with a painful secret revealed, he starts to get help.

Whether he likes it or not.

Meanwhile, a new kind of villain threatens an uneasy peace following the loss of Allmight. Whispers build as a new narrative slowly takes shape:

Hero society needs to change.

Feat. Therapy, Dadzawa, best boy Kirishima, dysfunctional families, healing, growing up, and the mortifying ordeal of being known

guys.. the medical accuracy of this fic is just... *chef’s kiss*

I rarely see mental health genuinely handled well in fics, but this one goes above and beyond. kudos to the author for doing such excellent research into psychology, and making the application of it in here not-boring. also, while this one does have abusive!Mitsuki, it’s done in a way that feels realistic, and how I usually will see it occur in real life, rather than just for the hurt/comfort feels.

fair warning, the fic can be incredibly triggering (themes of severe depression, PTSD, panic attacks, rape survival, abuse survival, suicidal ideation/attempted suicide, among other things), so be safe and heed the tw’s if you decide to read. legitimately one of my Top Favorite fics in this fandom.

Lock and Key by autochorystalize

Bakugou made a choked, gravelly noise before croaking out a low, “You can’t be serious.” His fingers ached to blow up everything in the room.

“I’m sorry, young man, but you can’t change reality! This sometimes happens.” Recovery Girl clicked through his file, adding a new symbol in a previously empty slot.

- - -

A pair of eyes discreetly locked on to an explosive blond plowing his way forward, parting people in his path. He recognized the kid, of course. Anyone in the underbelly of society would recognize him, after the publicity of both UA’s Sports Festival and the events leading up to All Might’s fall. The uniform he was wearing cast away any doubts about the young man’s identity.

It was a bit of a surprise that the little firecracker presented as an omega.

- - - - - - - - -

Or: there are certain types of evil that seemed too distant, archaic violations and perversions that would never actually threaten bright-eyed heroes-in-training in the clean, modern world...but sometimes those evils aren't as distant as one might think.

remember when I said that I love a/b/o fics that are full of plot and world-building and gender-induced tension? that’s this one. the OC’s are fabulous and you love to hate ‘em. also, it’s the fic that made me fall head-over-heels for the TodoBaku dynamic, so it’s got a special place in my cold, dead heart. 

be warned, there are rather explicit non-con scenes between an adult (OC) and a minor (Bakugou) in this one, but the author warns for them in advance, and you could likely skip those parts without missing too much if you need to.

Never and Always, Eventually by Wawa_Boonliang

"Katsuki can remember the exact moment that he and Deku…that he and Midoriya Izuku became friends. He can also remember the moment he and Izuku became fierce rivals, a time when they were almost enemies.

However, what he remembers most clearly about their relationship is the moment that they moved passed rivals and became something more close than mere friends. Something more like brotherhood, something forged in fire and secured in the middle of a battlefield or in the midst of natural disaster where the number of the dead was climbing ever higher. And then it was torn from him."

Katsuki is given a second chance. A chance to save everyone. A chance to change everything.

But should he?

y’all. I’m a slutty, slutty whore for time travel fics. a time travel fic with autistic!coded Bakugou? it was love at first read.

Lessons Learned by Sif (Rosae)

Rather than the police station, Katsuki's friends bring him to a hospital after rescuing him from the villains. His wounds were minor, but it didn't make having them treated any less important. As it would so happen, Best Jeanist was also brought to this hospital after the attack.

Sometimes, small choices have a big impact on how a story plays out.

classic Bakugou hurt/comfort. this fic opened me up to the potential that could be a genuinely good Best Jeanist & Katsuki mentor-mentee relationship, and I kind of dig it and search ravenously for it in other fics now. I’m also a huge fan of the behind-the-scences Pro Hero Chat group.

Slope by sunfleurmoon

“I’m not a hero. Or a good person,” Katsuki says, giving Aizawa a pointed look, “So leave me alone. I don’t care about the League or UA, or you—” The two years he’s been away have been fine, more than fine, fucking fantastic actually if you ignore the bi-monthly near-death experiences. He doesn’t need this place. He doesn’t miss this place.

And yet, longing, a childish desire to tear up, or maybe blow something to bits, they all twist in his chest like a band of traitors regardless. “—I just want to go home.”

Or: the one where Katsuki and Izuku fail the first term exam, Aizawa discovers their pasts, and Katsuki is booted from UA. Featuring questionable descriptions of villain organizations, a slightly illegal moving shop, and your favorite emotionally constipated badass in distress with a newly discovered penchant for collecting strays.

paaaaaaiiiiiiiin. the hurt is ALIVE in this one. lots of tortured, angsty exploding child goodness. the OC’s are excellently crafted, and the Bakugou & Eri relationship? beautiful. definitely deserves a read.

Ground Zero by WindsChild8178

In the wake of Kamino, Katsuki is tested more than anyone could imagine. Bound by a villain’s quirk to keep his silence or die, he lives each day knowing it might very well be his last. He continues to work towards becoming a hero, keeping his secret from his classmates and teachers, focusing on making it through each day and trying not to allow the panic or depression to get the best of him. When the villain finally corners him with demands in exchange for his life, there is really only one answer Katsuki Bakugou can give.

honestly don't know which I want updated more - social media 101 or ground zero. this author's fics are amazing, and I really wasn't expecting the twist in this one. can't wait for windschild to come back to this fic some day.

The Defect by LadyGreenFrisbee

"Why do you want to win the Sports Festival so badly?" 

Because I want to see if the defect could usurp the masterpiece.

(In which Endeavor holds a terrible secret and Bakugo has to suffer since childhood for it.)

a great concept, and I adore the shouto and Katsuki sibling interaction here. hoping the author will come back to this one some day.

A Name That You'll Remember by Heronfem

Kirishima Eijirou is a Hero. Bakugou Katsuki... is not. Trapped in his toxic workplace and increasingly desperate to get out, Red Riot's days are only brightened by a new villain known as Caution, who's not exactly villainous and keeps accidentally doing good deeds. But when a real villain appears, a threat from the past that demands that Red Riot make the ultimate sacrifice to keep the public safe, Bakugou is forced into saving the day... and eventually, Red Riot himself.

sob story good guy villains are my weakness, this fic is a gem, and I'd kill for the sequel.

Our Hero by AnonymousTwit

He felt everything jerk to the side and throw his balance off before he saw anything, dust clouding his vision and irritating his lungs as the earth itself opened up to swallow them whole. For a single moment, in a millisecond's time, his wild eyes locked with Raccoon Eyes', hers alight with fear and adrenaline-fueled desperation. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he realized that it was the first time she'd looked at him with something other than long-deserved hatred in days.

And then he was free falling.

Or

After a particularly nasty encounter between childhood friends, the class learns about Bakugou and Midoriya's dark history and practically ostracizes Bakugou while trying to defend Midoriya. An earthquake during an outing has all sides regretting their decisions.

just fucking tear apart my self-sacrificing faves in every way imaginable while their loved ones watch on in terror. 💖🥰💖 this one is heavy on the Bakusquad and Class-1A feels, and VERY heavy on the Mina & Bakugou relationship (platonic).

Running back the tape, watching it replay by Faralyne

For someone ripped from their time, ripped from the few but strong relationships built by time and personal development, by self-reflection and swallowed pride, ripped from the one thing that made him feel worthwhile and needed and put-together, and forced to forge everything over again—Katsuki thinks he is handling it pretty fucking well.

Or

A villain’s quirk sends a 29-year-old Bakugou back in time to his middle school days.

am I a sucker for time travel? yes. am I a sucker for vigilante!bakugou? also yes. am I a sucker for this fic? literally refreshing the page in wait for an update as we speak.

Liability by sandelf

After All-Might dies rescuing Bakugou from the League, Bakugou is determined to prove it wasn't for nothing.

But the world is against him, his grief is overwhelming, and his stability is splitting at the edges.

very self-indulgent bakugou angst. tw for harassment, severe depression, and suicidality.

Special Mentions:

How To Win The Sport Festival: A Step By Step Guide by mhwright

Short re-imagining of the Sports Festival Arc if Shinso had planned a little better and worked a little harder to win the Sports Festival and if the match-ups had been slightly different. Self-indulgent fic of watching him succeed.

this is completely Shinsou-centric, not Bakugou-centric, but I love and adore it and am dying for a sequel. Shinsou is Best Boy here and you'll be rooting for him the whole time.

#fic rec #katsuki bakugou #bakugou #seriously though if you have a rec for me please always assume i will be unbearably grateful for it #and hit me up with it in the comments or through messaging #thanks for the follows y'all!

[bae-science]

it’s t-t-t-t-time for another newt bae-science fic rec extravabonanza! same rules, same boys, same bullshit! let’s get into it:

a beginning; a second chance by @dykesword

other newt and i have a long and intricate ritualistic battle to become the alpha newt, but i gotta give credit where it’s due. if you like to annotate your books for fun, this fic will give you a looooong comment you’ll want to write, and for good reason! there’s a lot of really well done metaphor and character detail in here, while still keeping a very soft, melancholy but with a hopeful edge tone. and also, like, the care and detail in which newt’s mental state in the aftermath of the precursors’ abuse is depicted is so so good, and delightful to read

husbandly duties by @kingeiszler

i am soooo biased with this one bc technically it was made for me but GODDAMN it’s good. this shit has everything: gottlieb trio sibling dynamics, vanessa in giant femme earrings, hermann yearning, newt and karla infodumping together, newt’s terrible and accurate gaydar, gay crime, the newmann dynamic and why it works boiled down to its bare essentials, pride and prejudice glasses touch, and neon green acrylics. required reading for the vanessaverse

Say That Again by @robertfrobisherslover

WOOF. if you like mutual pining and lack of communication from men with rocks for their emotional processing centers, and guncle (gay uncle) newt and hermann and KILLER artsy sex scenes, and themes of words unsaid in a story about LANGUAGE..... oogoogogoogouhufug. the writing style is clear and well paced, i LOVE little mako’s scene she’s such a cutie, and there’s like. a line. that’s a play on the whole “it’s always been you” trope. that lives in my mind rent free forever.

speak right to my heart without saying a word by @thekaidonovskys

i’m just gonna paste the comment i left on it here, because that sums up what is so absolutely incredible about this fic the best:

so sometimes you stumble on a piece of fiction that you add to your little collection of stuff you would show a person if you wanted them to understand a part of you that you can't quite explain eloquently, or it would take too long, etc etc, and i've never really found something like that for my autism until now, which, like, poggers. and i'll be as straight up as i can while still being the biggest lesbian in the great state of ohio (not a hard feat but alan invented computers so i love continuing on the autistic tradition of being a living miracle), the chameleon effect hit me like a mack truck. catholic school in the deep south is the most potent and effective form of ABA therapy imaginable :/. so sometimes i wonder what i would be like if i didn't have such a strong ability to pass, and here's where we finally get to the part of this comment where i just vomit compliments at you: you nailed it. you got it. i don't know if you're on the spectrum, but either way, well fucking done. trauma therapy research talks a lot about healing fantasies, which are fantasies, usually in the form of daydreams, that abused/neglected/traumatized/etc people create that directly address a struggle they have and take the form of a scenario in which that struggle is helped in some way. it could be an abusive parent repenting and showering them with the love they never had, or someone finding them during a panic attack and somehow knowing how best to comfort them without having to ask, or being intimate with someone and having a scar or physical deformity they've been shamed for be given attention and care. and i think you have created the ultimate perfect healing fantasy for autistic people, or at least those with """"high functioning"""" autism. it has a character who is visibly and undeniably on the spectrum having the pain and trauma going through life like that causes being acknowledged and validated, they are purposefully paid attention to because person b genuinely likes them and wants to understand and respect who they are and how they function in the world, and thus get The Mortifying Ordeal of Being Known as well as the eventual rewards of being loved, person b makes a genuine effort to help teach them social skills in a way they can understand and learn through and is there for them when these skills are being practiced, their space and boundaries are respected but they aren't infantilized or thought of as an emotionless robot, and they receive love and comfort on their own terms not despite of but because of who they are, even specifically being asked not to change the way they are because that way is lovable. they are openly desired. writing is my fucking JOB and it's still difficult to put into words how much you got 100000% right about the dream with this fic. i have been in the EXACT and i mean EXACT same situation as hermann when he asked newt if it was his personality itself that made people not like him, because i deadass made a spreadsheet of all my personality attributes i thought could be preventing me from making friends in college, and then asked my fellow nd friend to see if there was anything i was missing. so i guess what i'm trying to say is that this amazing, and i'm bookmarking it and putting it on my next fic rec post, and maybe one day way way in the future if i ever get a partner i want to explain the whole autism thing to, i'm gonna have them read this.

The Facts With Newton Geiszler, PhD by what_alchemy (NSFW)

storytime: i read this fic a few years ago, completely forgot the title and author, and ended up thinking about the part where hermann admits to having fucked a trailer hitch when he was a teenager, at least once a week. last november, i say to my friend samara on twitter, head of the BSHCU (buttslut hermann cinematic universe), hey this seems like something you’d have read, do you remember a fic where... and samara says FUCK i do know what you’re talking about lemme find it. so if the fact that i have been looking for this fic for like, two years, and that it contains a moment so iconic all i had to say is, “hermann says he fucked a trailer hitch” and she IMMEDIATELY knew what i was talking about, does not convince you to read this... go back to catholic school i guess.

Feeling Blue by TempusPetrichor

fics where newt goes back to work as a biologist, especially a xenobiologist, post pru are really interesting, and usually have something neat to say about recovery, how it isn’t linear, how it often involves us returning to things we love for comfort, etc. this one sure does! some good emotional and physical h/c, LOVE the use of the ghost drift, and it’s always fun to see post pru fics use dialogue very obviously taken from dbt, trauma-specific therapeutical texts, and anything that shows the author has experience with, or did their research on, ptsd therapies.

You’re Everyone That Ever Cared by KlavierWrites

you know a fic is good when it’s an only 9k slowburn and still manages to reach infinite regress levels of are you fucking KIDDING GO TO THERAPY. newt “acts of service” geiszler may have a little misplaced misogyny due to his broken woman-centric gaydar. as a treat. the fucking. post-drift scene where hermann subtextually screams “LOOK IN OUR BRAINS YOU FUCK I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU I JUST HAVE AUTISM AND CAREER IN STEM DISORDER” is soooooo. god just hermann in general in that scene is great. if you like classic mid 2010s era newmann, ghost drift romance, and good ole mutual pining, this is a treat.

Baby, You're Hotter than my Bunsen Burner by SkySongMA

moronosexual hermann representation is something that can actually be so personal

Times of Stress by RadioMoth

the boys are processinggggggg. man what a good, quick and powerful punch to the gut. if you like post-pr1 catharsis and physical h/c, AND are the one friend that likes to comment at the end of the movie that hey newt got beat the fuck UP, check this one out.

black tea by @faggotcas

okay first of all, god fucking tier url, lee. second of all, food as a love language is my SHIT. i love the very slow relationship development here, where you see them making a genuine effort to get along and that in turn leading to feelings reigniting. it’s such a sweet little moment of a fic, with a nice atmosphere and tone to fit it

now here’s the part where i usually drop my latest fic, but i haven’t written one this month because i’ve been busy launching an audio drama! you can find it here, it’ll be right up your alley if you like cryptids and gay scientists and enemies to lovers and good ole americana, but since this is a newmann post, i’m gonna recommend the pacific rim audio drama duology i did a while back! part one is called conversations from the brink, and it’s a little slice of the pr3 we better fucking get from streaming that godawful looking anime. love and lesbians to everyone ❤️

#pacific rim #pac rim #mine #newmann #pacific rim uprising #fic rec

[lilyhoshikawa]

🎥🎶💕🏳‍🌈💎 for hunters perhaps? >:3c

Oh golly! Ok fndkfnfn let me do this then. This may be difficult-

🎥: Do you have any favorite scenes from your hyperfixation?

This is hard bc I have a lot of scenes I like and good scenes keep happening dhdjfn.

There are a lot of stand-outs so far. Among them is definitely like, the confrontation in the car between Blake and Sakio, and the recent social link scene with Blake and Lena on the boat.

Scenes that DON’T involve my own character that I adore include. The scene with Sakio and Camellia at the graveyard. The scene with with Lena and Twitch outside the store. The Sammy’s scene where they read Tango’s letter. Also the scene with Sammy and Masumi bc it was just extremely funny.

🎶: If your hyperfixation has songs / an OST, what is your favorite song from it?

Hm. Well time once again to advertise my Blake playlist, which I’m constantly putting a lot of work and thought into tbh dhjddb, I’ve deleted a fair number of songs from it when I feel they don’t fit, and I’m constantly messing with the order of the songs in relation to Blake’s prospective characters arc, and adding more as I find them fndkfnf I’m always on the lookout.

Also, vane is constantly updating the official playlist with some real bangers, and I appreciate that. Amil’s and Twitch’s themes are real good.

💕: Tell us about one of your favorite characters and why you like them!

Everybody has really really good characters, heck. One thing that strikes me is that even with taking the backseat and having to be on autopilot for several sessions, Camellia still has such a strong and distinct personality, to the point where everyone is on the same page abt them, and I think that’s just really amazing dhdjfjf, that’s how strong an impression they make every time they’re around.

Lena is also so good, she’s like… I think abt her frequently. Sometimes I just start giggling when I think abt Lena, bc she is a national treasure, and I hope she knows I care abt her. She’s great in this way that she’s both very funny/cute and also has a lot of depth and nuance to her arc, and I’m so excited for more.

In the same vein, Sammy. No one character has made me go from giggling to sobbing as fast as this green goat. One moment Sammy is making their cat do a little greeting and I’m rolling on the floor from the cuteness, and then the next second they’re crying and saying they don’t want to be left behind, and then I am also crying. How do they do it. The absolute range.

I also really appreciate Ilse like, particularly in contrast to Blake sometimes, in that Ilse is very smart in a way that’s quiet, self-conscious and careful, while Blake is at times recklessly arrogant, and those two bounce off each other well. Ilse feels mature at times but every time they quietly like, try to be the bigger person, or to not make a problem of themselves, I wanna give them a hug and be like “u deserve to be recognized and acknowledged and u deserve better” dhdjdndjdn. When u have big personalities like Sakio and Lena and Blake in the party there’s something compelling abt Ilse being with them and not asserting themselves as they try to do their best, if that makes sense, and I want them to know I see and appreciate them.

Sakio is also so good and I’ve talked abt this to vane plenty before but holy shit. There’s so much obvious care and love and effort and skill that went into writing a character who is both wrong in many ways, and who many player characters antagonize for good reason, and yet still so incredibly sympathetic, so likable and so compelling. The fact that both Blake and Lena have this relationship with Sakio where they don’t like or trust her, necessarily, but also can’t deal with her not being there, is so fucking good, it creates such powerful conflict in the smallest of ways. Sakio is great bc I love her and I understand her and I appreciate her, but I also wanna yell at her and think she is absolutely horribly wrong about incredibly crucial things and u can FEEL that turmoil in her as well, with her knowing on some level that her actions are going to cause harm, and she’s just waiting and hoping to take the fall, thinking, maybe foolishly, that she can, and that doing so will save everyone else.

I also fucking love so many minor characters we haven’t seen much of so far. I absolutely love Bee and I’ve told vane abt this but she’s just a total icon. Theo is also great, he is the only valid he/him in the entire campaign djdkfj. I love Twitch as well and I’m very excited for some of the interesting stuff in Twitch’s arc that has been hinted at coming to fruition later on, that’s very exciting. I’m also very excited to learn more abt Amil’s whole deal, I appreciate them a lot and I feel bad every time I have to make Blake come pester them fndkfnf. Oh also Prim, how did I forget Prim… what’s going on with her, I have no idea, but she’s a mean lady and my love for mean ladies is well-documented. Also her look is iconic. Also also Puck, the fact that he’s a child and I didn’t know it for several months shocked me to my core but it has made his brand of Shakespearean mischief that much more endearing, and now I seek only to give him snacks and let him sit in his funny garbage throne. I forgot abt Puck earlier so I’ll say he is the second valid he/him in the campaign but frankly I think Puck should take some neopronouns for a spin, he deserves it.

🏳️‍🌈: Do you have any headcanons (LGBT, race, neuro, etc.) that are important to you?

(*throws neurological disorders at Blake*) jdkdnfkf no but jokes aside. I love that this party is like, 5 player characters, 4 of whom use they/them. Just. The raw power of a persona series written by LGBT+ ppl…

I can’t speak on other ppl’s characters too much but as for Blake, they’re a closeted transfem and also too much of a disaster for a coherent sexuality but probably bi. Autistic, and an abuse survivor who experiences paranoid delusions and self-destructive tendencies. Probably more, but specifics are messy, they’re a fucking mess, what’s going on with them, they don’t even know.

Masumi is a binary trans lesbian, also an abuse survivor and manages quite a bit of paranoia of her own, dealing with mood swings and occasional delusions of grandeur, most of it she keeps internally managed which isn’t great for her mental health.

💎: Are there any fun facts or trivia that you would like to share?

Blake’s original characterization was thought up prior to the campaign and was very different from their finished characterization. They lived on a farm with their parents and were pretty quiet and passive before being arrested for a murder they didn’t commit (this part is the same) and their personality was way more quiet, reserved and passive, with the whole celebrity aspect completely absent. They were still going to be the sort of clever leader type character but leaned far more into the background. Their design was also different, with their hair in a low ponytail rather than high and scars on their face from scrapes and accidents working on the farm.

I realized that, even though this character was more of an original idea than Masumi (who I was playing in another campaign at the time and who was characterized somewhat differently as well) I didn’t find myself excited to write them, couldn’t get invested in them in the same way, and as I kept workshopping them I decided to be more self-indulgent and lean more into shamelessly making them an Akechi expy in more ways.

And what resulted from that, ironically, is what I feel is a better character in the end. Blake feels more dynamic, lively and interesting now than the old iteration I first thought up, back when I was intent on making them My Own Creation with their own arc. At this point I’m comfortable saying that Blake, for all their similarities to Akechi, has evolved over the course of the campaign into a more interesting character, into someone I recognize as distinctly different and who stands out. They feel unique to me, and feel like my own character. And I think that only could’ve happened through playing them in a TTRPG like this, in developing them along with others, and having to adapt, and I think that’s the beautiful thing about developing characters with other people. The Blake I’ve ended up with is one I’m really happy with, who I feel is more interesting and dynamic to me than if I had just tried to force something unique just to not feel cringe about making an expy. And maybe I need to learn that lesson before I go through the same thing with Zee fjdkfnf.

#meme response #myosotis horizon #rambles #the hunters

[sometimesrosy]

this is a bit of a loaded question but what motivates you to keep going, to keep living? recovering from abuse is so hard because you internalise so much. how do you deal with ti?

Uhm. IDK. 

Sheer stubbornness? 

This is actually my second round of domestic abuse, since I grew up in family with an abusive father. (psychologically abusive to the kids, and physically to my mom,) and I got through that one because I had hope.

I didn’t actually believe that I was bad or worthless... or rather, that thinking was buried under things, but I ALSO believed that I was a real person who mattered, also. And I had hopes and dreams.

I used to say that dragons helped me survive my childhood. And in a way that’s true, because the fantasy escape that books (many about dragons) provided me not only protected me from the negativity of my home, but also gave me things I wanted, dreams for my future, which were mostly based around art, writing, but also helping people, helping kids like I was.

So there was something I believed in. I believed people were good, on the whole. I believed there was a point to it all. Some of that might have come from being a buddhist, also, so I guess add spirituality into it. Although spirituality for me is combined with art, writing and creativity. Also, although my childhood was chaotic, there was SOME stability. My grandmother and my mother gave us that, and I guess so did school. It was always a place I knew I could succeed.

But okay, so I grew up and then spent fifteen years getting to know myself, facing my childhood abuse, understanding it, empowering myself, teaching others.

And then BAM! I fell back into another abusive relationship while I was CONSCIOUSLY on the look out for it. See it turns out that when you grow up in an abusive family, you don’t really know what a healthy relationship looks like, and you don’t notice some redflags, because you think that’s what love IS. PLUS, in an abusive family dynamic, everybody in the family is part of that dynamic. My ex didn’t act like my father, I was avoiding anyone who would, and I even warned him what I wouldn’t put up with. No. He acted like my SISTER. Not only that, he also lied about who he was, what he was like, what he wanted, and oh everything, so that he showed me what he thought I wanted to see until it was too late and I was dependent upon him with two babies. And THEN my natural responsible nature came in and I was like, ok this is the relationship I made, I have to fix it. (there was no fixing, there was only me losing my boundaries to ‘help’ things get better.) 

One of the hard things about my abuse was that I KNEW what abuse was and I was on the look out for it. I was a strong independent woman who wouldn’t let myself be treated like shit... and yet, it snuck in and got me anyway. That was hard to deal with. Part of it was that I didn’t know what emotional and psychological abuse looked like. I thought it was just the physical stuff, and that wasn’t happening, so I put up with a lot. And also, he was a LIAR, so he’d lie about everythign and I never knew what was happening.

The loss of control in my life was hard. But worse was the loss of faith in myself. The loss of faith in men. The loss of faith in humanity.

But once I figured out what was happening I got my ducks in a row and got out. It took three years, and part of that was the cycle of things getting better, thinking they could work out, then getting worse again. So I kept TRYING. 

But all that trying was just part of the abuse. The yoyo thing, where they pull you back in before treating you badly again. 

I honestly almost did not make it out of this experience. It made me literally sick. It turns out I have an autoimmune disease that is triggered by stress, and the stress of that relationship, the economic hardship that it created (i was also financially abused-- didn’t even know that was a thing,) the multiple moves I made because of him, the stress on my kids (one was sent to a mental institution before they found out he was autistic,) caused a physical collapse. And then also the world was on fire, so I couldn’t even have hope that things OUTSIDE of my life would get better. 

So at that point, I had lost faith.

How did I keep going? Mostly the stubbornness at that point. I put my head down and took one step after the other.

Actually, that. I lowered my expectations, gave myself a break. If all I could do was feed my kids that day, then that was all I could do. 

ONE. STEP. AT. A. TIME.

Just keep taking steps. go as slow as you need to, but keep taking steps. 

#domestic abuse #survivor #baby steps

[thepucegoose]

idk if you remember your "starsky & hutch is adhd/autistic solidarity" post (its like a year old whoops) but if you have more thoughts about hutch being autistic i would love to hear them 👀

okay it’s been a while since i rewatched s&h and generally when i said this i was just like, thems the vibes - with this said i think hutch does have those vibes for a reason so i’ll try and figure it out and if anyone else would like to contribute that’d be very welcome!

i think mainly hutch has a particular kind of relationship with empathy? when i think about episodes like vendetta or black and blue or any countless others, hutch is always very personally invested in the lives of those in the cases he’s involved with and really seems to take on the weight of these experiences i guess? which like, by the time you’re getting to season four he’s so burnt out by just all of it (bc the way to help in the community is not through the police btw lol! but that’s by the by) and i think that you could easily chalk a lot of that up to hyperempathy - i think we do see this also with starsky in episodes like nightmare, starsky’s lady, manchild on the streets, and blindfold, but frequently these examples are when starsky has a very personal investment in the case (and lead to significant emotional impulsivity in indignation bc he’s adhd babey) whereas hutch just sees someone sad and he seems to be feeling it right there with them (is this due to childhood abuse? i think the crying child means you can make a very valid argument that it is. is this due to autism also? yea.)

this said, despite his hyperempathy in relating to these inter-personal scenarios, this doesn’t necessarily translate into awareness regarding specific social boundaries. i think hutch often struggles with recognising what’s too far in his jokes and competition with starsky and he frequently does things that suggest he hasn’t really factored the emotional impact his actions might have on starsky. this is perhaps most evident in partners, although it’s a running theme you can see from the beginning on through (please don’t make your partner think he’s bad in bed jeez? stop stealing his gfs?? also babe starsky isn’t trying to trick you with this bet thing, you’re literally dying). these scenarios often run in line with the fun joking that s&h have in their relationship, and yet the extent to which he takes it, seemingly in good fun and without subsequent apology, suggests he just doesn’t recognise how far can be too far in a joke before you can end up really hurting someone - he just doesn’t seem to be aware of where the line is

in partners, hutch is mad at starsky’s impulsivity and the way in which he felt out of control and the negatives consequences that resulted from this and so he feels the need to demonstrate those possible consequences - i think this reaction kind of suggests a black and white approach to thinking as well as some difficulty expressing emotions: he hurt me by being so impulsive so i’ll make sure he knows that he went too far and that i was really hurt by it by making sure that he faces the worst of the possible consequences since this is what he deserves - without then recognising what pretending to have amnesia would do to starsky and the extent to which it would cause utter terror and profound distress, as well as compounding his guilt in an unfathomably unbearable way (i think hutch’s difficulty expressing emotions, particularly when he’s feeling hurt by starsky, also makes starsky vs hutch more coherent as a culmination of this and the relationship dynamic they’ve developed - to quote my own fic, “I tried to make something real with every girl I came across; you grew a moustache and fucked my girlfriend to prove it really wasn’t. Real that is.”)

just as a side note, i think it’s interesting that starsky didn’t respect hutch’s boundaries re: the driving bc of his impulsive reaction, and hutch didn’t respect starsky’s boundaries re: not like, faking amnesia to punish him bc he didn’t understand the emotional implications of this for starsky - sometimes being neurodivergent can make relationships hard!! but they work it out bc they’re in love and their minds are grooving on that neurodivergent plane together :’‘)) i think they can be conscious of the other’s difficulties and this helps them be understanding of each other, most of the time acknowledging when something was the other not meaning any harm and acting accordingly, but also recognising and responding when the other was clearly disregarding respect and care for the other, as is the case with both starsky and hutch in partners - it’s about being understanding whilst still being clear on what isn’t appropriate behaviour and what you’re not willing to put up with from someone

also starsky is just very neurodivergent and frankly (from my personal experience) it can be hard to like, vibe w someone in the way starsky and hutch do if they’re not also neurodivergent - they can follow each other’s thinking, skipping over the steps that other neurotypical people might need to follow, and they’re both good at finding unique perspectives on cases and noticing details that others might not

also just, hutch’s approach to healthy living as part of a regimented routine?? that’s autism babey. he likes things done in a particular way and he always has the same grim shake for breakfast? that’s autism babey! he’s constantly trying to inveigle starsky into his healthy living thing about which he is evangelical? sounds like a special interest to me and he just wants his bf to know just how cool it is!!! would anyone who isn’t neurodivergent drink cold clam chowder out of a can?

and like,,, murder on stage 17??????? the way he mimics john wayne when he’s anxious and under pressure to speak?????????? need i say more????????

s&h as a show also i think has a greater relationship to neurodivergence as a whole which i have so many thoughts on and will one day manage to write up but essentially i think the show has a running theme about respect, understanding, compassion, and care for neurodivergence and this is really shown through both starsky and hutch’s actions - i’m not saying that starsky and hutch need to be neurodivergent to show the compassion they do, but i do think it helps that they are able to relate to the other neurodivergent characters on the show and their responses are in line with this

essentially: hutch has hyperempathy, but a difficulty recognising where he’s crossing social boundaries. there are suggestions of some black and white thinking at times, a difficulty feeling out of control, and he can have struggle with expressing the ways in which he’s been hurt by something. he vibes with starsky bc they have similar modes of thinking and he notices details and makes connections that others may not be able to, as well as being able to follow starsky’s reasoning when he does the same. he likes a routine and a regimen, and this feeds into a special interest in healthy living, about which he is very enthusiastic and can’t see why starsky wouldn’t agree. he sticks to the same shake for breakfast every day, suggesting not only consistent routine but also a particular sensory affinity and i can’t remember if we see him eat other breaksfast foods but he doesn’t want to eat pastries in the mornings which could be related to sensory difficulties. he struggles under the social pressure of being on camera, at which point there’s some suggestion of using echolalia to help script a response. he also is very able to relate to others who are neurodivergent. he’s autistic!

(like i said it’s been a while since i engaged with s&h so if i’ve got any episode titles wrong or made erroneous assumptions please chip in bc i have not double checked!)

#i love it when yall ask me questions like this #suddenly i'll have Opinions on things i've never even thought about before lol #starsky and hutch #hutch is autistic #Anonymous

[letmetellyouaboutmyfeels]

I adore anything and everything Parker/Eliot related (platonic, familial, sexual, romantic, etc) so gimme headcanons! Favorite scene! Thoughts on the dynamic! Idk, whatever you want!

Ahaha well honestly what I was yelling at my friend about is my own personal headcanon that Eliot and Parker are both autistic.

I’ve headcanoned Parker as autistic and somewhere on the ace scale (ace, demi, etc) ever since I first watched the show, and now that I know more about autism I’m more convinced than ever, and I realized that Eliot being autistic not only explains things about him but also explains his bond with Parker over them being the same.

So, Eliot repeatedly talks to Parker about how they’re the same, and it’s so true. Eliot and Parker are constantly on the same wavelength. They can just look at each other and read each other’s minds. Which doesn’t detract at all from their relationship with Hardison, it’s just a different understanding.

I think that most people, in hearing and seeing this, assume that it’s because of Eliot’s and Parker’s trauma. But their trauma is completely different.

Parker had an abusive childhood, lost her brother at a young age, was an orphan on the streets, and struggled to connect with people emotionally.

Eliot did not have an abusive childhood, although when his relationship with his father wasn’t always sunshine and it built into a falling out when Eliot enlisted in the army at eighteen. His trauma comes from his time in the armed forces and as a hitman, adult trauma stemming from torture and murder.

We see this reflected in flashbacks. Parker’s flashbacks to her backstory are all of her as a child (blowing up her home, sitting with the therapist). Eliot’s are all of him as an adult (tied to a chair doing Russian Roulette, being experimented on with the sleep serum). Hardison and Parker actually have similar trauma, with Hardison’s experiences in foster homes, which they bond over in The Stork Job. So, if their trauma is not the same, then what is it that Eliot is saying is similar about them? They had to do different things to survive, so what is the connection?

The connection seems to be how they see the world. But how do they see the world? Eliot repeatedly acts in a manner to Parker of “I’ve been where you are, I’ve been who you are,” but their backstories don’t match. So it has to be in how they interact with the people around them, separate from the events that shaped them.

And how does Parker see the world?

Parker:

Avoids eye contact unless it’s people with whom she’s comfortable,

Is highly sensitive to textures (rubbing money on her face) and will show an unusual interest in sensory aspects of materials (how it smells),

Finds patterns that others miss (as talked about in her discussion with Nate on the roof in the series finale),

Likes counting and repetition and will engage in repetitive gestures when alone,

Doesn’t like being socially interactive and works best with a script, not good at improv, and will compartmentalize aspects of her personality (Alice, Intern Parker) to help get herself into a proper mental state/compartmentalize aspects of her life and social interactions,

Shows little or no interest in people and doesn’t generally enjoy it,

Responds inappropriately in regards to humor (doesn’t get jokes, finds things funny that others find concerning or upsetting),

Has difficulty understanding slang expressions, metaphors, when she’s being teased or ridiculed by strangers,

Fails to predict probable consequences in social events,

Doesn’t seem to understand when a person doesn’t know something,

Needs an excessive amount of reassurance when things are changed or go wrong,

Doesn’t like her routines being altered,

Attaches very concrete meanings to words,

Talks about a single subject (thieving) excessively,

Has an excellent memory,

Repeats words or phrases others say, and repeats them out of context,

Speaks about herself in the third person at times,

Couldn’t read facial expressions as a child and had inappropriate emotional reactions to things as a child (as seen in the flashback with her therapist),

And

Will say things in a flat monotone or extremely loudly and doesn’t always seem aware of it.

I could go on. But these are all signs of autism, signs that Parker routinely and repeatedly displays. And autism explains all of Parker’s behavior that her trauma and backstory doesn’t. Parker has issues like all the team does, but frankly, as someone who’s been through a lot of the shit the team’s been through and has witnessed people going through a lot of the shit the team’s been through, Parker’s idiosyncrasies don’t come from her backstory.

Her distrust of people, her fear of being heavy with the weighted boots because “being light and quick is how I survived,” her risking herself to save the children in The Stork Job, her talks of pretzels with Hardison because she wants to take things slow, her anger at the fake psychic, her talk with Dodgson in The White Rabbit Job, those all come from her backstory. From her experiences.

But her “twenty pounds of crazy in a five pound bag”? That’s not from her experiences. That’s just who Parker is. And that’s only explained by her being neurodivergent.

So. Parker is autistic, and clearly had nobody to teach her how to relate to the world and how to understand people. Everyone in the team realizes this, although I think Eliot is the only one who realizes she’s autistic because she’s like him (“we’re the same, we’re not like the others,” he tells her when they’re in the ice cave), and if the others on the team suspect, they never say it out loud, they just treat her individual needs individually, which I think was really the best course to take. Hardison exhibits patience. Sophie explains people. Nate hones her natural skills.

But Eliot? Eliot says I understand. I’m like you, you’re like me. We’re the same.

And that means Eliot is also autistic.

Which you can see in his behavior. Eliot gets upset when his routines are threatened. He displays hyper awareness and an ability to pick out patterns that nobody else can, as shown by his “it’s a very distinctive ____” catchphrase. He has an ability to mentally compartmentalize, like Parker, only with Eliot it scares him because he uses that to “do what has to be done” and that’s often violence. He has a hyperfixation on a particular subject (cooking) just like Parker and gets frustrated when people don’t understand/appreciate that subject. He’s good with people in certain contexts that he’s rehearsed (picking up a one night stand, brothers in arms) but less good when he has to improvise, and hates improvising. He displays an unusually high amount of empathy and is focused on facts and truth, to the point where he’ll argue with Nate about it (the politician in The Gimme a K Street Job, the small town in The Low Low Price Job) and he hates, HATES, when people lie to him because he’s always honest, honest to his own detriment. He was drawn to the army, which is all about rules, routine, and regulations, and worked as a hitman where he undoubtedly had a boss calling all the shots, and where he can hyperfocus on another one of his chosen subjects of interest.

Eliot, however, grew up in a fairly steady and loving environment and is clearly farther along than Parker in understanding how his brain works versus how the rest of the world works. So he mentors Parker in “us versus them,” and gives her a place of understanding.

Eliot knows what behaviors are acceptable and what aren’t. What he has to tamp down and suppress and what he can let loose. He’s learned to adjust, and to hide, but as an autistic person who didn’t get diagnosed and didn’t realize until recently that she was autistic, I can vouch for the fact that you do adjust, you do learn to hide, and you can make it through the world without ever quite understanding why you’re different from other people, you just know that you are, and it’s scary and frustrating and alienating.

And so Eliot sees that Parker is like him, and so he tries to teach her what he had to learn on his own, probably the hard way. And if you ask me, that explains all of Parker’s behavior, and a lot of Eliot’s.

Now, this is a headcanon and if other people disagree, that’s totally fine! But that was something I went WAIT A FUCKING SECOND over while doing this rewatch, and personally, that’s how I’m going to see those two.

#mads answers things #leverage #leverage meta #parker meta #eliot spencer meta #amandaflynns

[yououghtaknow]

5, 29 and 30? Also, I read all four seasons of Skam Brighton over quarantine and it was fantastic! The changed storylines were so refreshing and I’m so excited for season 5 💛

hi!!!!! thank you so much for asking and thank you so much for reading <3.

29. which version (og + adapts) does yours most closely resemble?

hmm. well i would say skam austin, definitely, as a western english speaking remake. also with the dance team/theatre club vibes and the music aspect. also skam españa, definitely, with the centring of the girls' stories and just the beautiful friendship tone of it all, which is what i really wanted to get across. also some druck in there, with the realism and fixing the trans wrongs they did. and alistair fletcher has the drama of skam france, just as a character. what do these remakes all have in common? canon wlw. which was the main thing i wanted to write in this remake. skambr has 11 canon named wlw characters who have all played major-to-minor roles in the plot of each season, with 5 of them being members of the girl squad and three of them being mains and having wildly different experiences with their attraction to women because you can’t sum up the lgbt experience with just one person.

30. free choice! just give us some fun facts about it!

fun fact: i have never physically been in brighton. i would like to be one day, but i will most likely not get there before the series finishes.

second fun fact: i was originally planning to write a skam remake set in derry, northern ireland before i wrote skam brighton. that idea has morphed into something else that i plan to write, but it is a fun fact!!

and now. the big one.

5. what are some iconic soundtrack moments?

here we go lads, seasons 3 and 4, like promised.

season three

tw for discussion of mental illness and suicide, drug abuse and violence throughout.

trailer

WE START OFF!!!! WITH A BANGER!!! "tainted love" by soft cell. it’s an iconic 80s banger that we all know and love, about a toxic relationship, and we see a type of favourite character that is niche to me (the guy with perfectionism/parental issues who did some fucked up stuff in a piece of media who not a lot of people like). it’s jake baby. it’s about him living his life and being like “i feel like i have to run away from all of this” (a sentiment which shall be echoed later on). and jake with all of his different masks…….. i was ahead of my time.

episode one

we open with “say amen (saturday night)” by panic! at the disco which is. kind of yikes now, but the song does have the vibes i desired for the opening scene. a party-esque banger. lyrics like “i pray for the wicked on the weekend / mama, can i get another amen?” for the catholic imagery and mommy issues. also panic! is known throughout history to be an lgbt band. 

then we get “get out of my head” by redlight”, just for the mental illness of it all. also it has been said that i do love a good party song with deeply depressing lyrics about the main playing in the background <3. 

and then we get me ripping off druck with “idontwannabeyouanymore” by the theorist playing because i just wanted to use a piano cover of the song because silence with just instrumental is just very dynamic and mentally ill. 

and then we meet eleanor with “insane” by sonny fodera and biscits, which is basically just the lyrics “girl you make me go insane” because. well. you hate to see it folks, but we gotta foreshadow the internalised ableism and the hating one woman as a treat.

and to close off a very music filled first clip, we got “drive” by halsey, a staple of tumblr culture back in the day because it is just like “all we do is think about the feelings that we hide”. literally when you are gay and alone and are just so desperate for someone to see you but also so deeply afraid of it because that means change coming <3 

AND THEN!!!! we meet the love of my life ms christine love as she hums “express yourself” by madonna as she cleans the house. i wanted to give christine a lot of 80s music in her scenes, to show that she’s living in the past in regards to jake’s dad. also it’s just a good song, “you gotta make him express how he feels” is me writing any of the characters having dialogue.

AND THEN BABY!!!!!!!!!!! we get a moment i love so deeply. “mama who bore me/reprise” by the sweet signatures. an all female acapella cover of the iconic spring awakening song. this song has everything - heavy metaphor about sex, wanting your mum to tell you shit, catholic imagery, teen angst, amazing belting. we get the slow part as jake is alone and just trying to work out how to help his mum, and then get the ANGRY BANGER as jake goes out to play with his dogs to get his frustrations out, because at the end of the say, all of these characters are still kids <3

then we get “young (club mix) by jaded because i just wanted kind of boring straight party music for the bryan and rory scene. 

BECAUSE THEN LGBT COMMUNITY!!!!! we get jake’s dramatic walk down the hallway as “somebody to love” by queen plays. it’s about the catholicism, it’s about the being gay, it’s about the being so fucking lonely and just wanting somebody!!!!! also the parallel between jake’s lonely scene with “somebody” playing and liz’s crowded scene with “nobody” playing…. it’s about mentally ill people being different but also the same <3

AND. NOW. THE MOMENT I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR. we meet Him. the most valid theatre kid rep in the world. mr alistair thomas fletcher, who enters our lives singing “shallow” from a star is born under his breath as he washing his hands. once again, i’m ahead of my time. but also the first lines al sings are, metaphorically, him talking to jake. like “aren’t you tried trying to fill that void / or do you need more”. and then we begin a piece of foreshadowing most pleasing to me. alistair in season 3 and the recurring motif of falling, which will climax at the end of episode 10. also foreshadowing of his experiences with bipolar disorder with “in all the good times i find myself longing for change / and in the bad times i fear myself”. and we also begin the motif of jake interrupting al’s singing. 

(you may be thinking, isaac tumblr user nickhealy, you’re putting a lot of thought into this. that’s because out of all of the characters, al’s the one who never really expresses himself with his words or actions - he usually expresses himself primarily through music, which is a very fun and autistic thing of me to write.)

(also, the og episode 1 bench scene did make me feel very. not good as a gay trans guy, with all the talk of penises and such. it’s just very sexy of me to change it to al talking loudly about ballet and elton john. and then we get jake up on the balcony and al down yelling up at him. because i have literally never referenced anything subtly in my life)

and we end with “how does it feel” by m-22. like: “how does it feel when your walls fall down /  how does it feel when you're lost and found / how does it feel / it's the sweetest sound”. like it’s about jake meeting al, king of not being Good At Social, fletcher, and instantly being like “yes, husband material, thank you”.

episode two

(yes, this episode is titled after the gay hsm song. yes i’m a genius)

we open, as all good things do, with a fun homoerotic punk song with catholic imagery “east jesus nowhere” by green day. it’s just jake being like “i am Trying to find the instagram of a cute guy outside of church, love being a sinner”.

and now we see the beginnings of Sad Boy Jake, with “it’s ok, i wouldn’t remember me either” by crywank. we got “i am looking for an easy place / to mask my thoughts behind my face” and “i can hide from friends but i cannot hide from you” because he’s gay and he has depression. 

AND THEN!!!! we get “i like you” by dandelion hands playing as he comments supportive things on the youtube video of al….. literally jacob love will see a pretty boy one time and be like “last time i had you i should have kissed you”. also his alternate name being jack valentine…. valentine and love ugh my brain is so big

AND THEN!!!!!!! slow mo time, with “bite” by troye sivan…… a gay classic, if i do say so. like it’s about jake seeing al casually walk past, being all prententious and out, and jake’s just like “please set me free and let me walk beside you” because of the gay experience of simutaneously wanting to be a person and kiss them.

and then we get “the daisy chain” by the growlers. “feeling pressure on every side” and “tired of waiting to be explained / weakest link in the daisy chain”. it’s just the vibes babe.

AND THEN!!!!!!!!!!!!! a brilliant moment in my bare a pop opera stanning career - we get jake watching a bootleg of bare 2004 as “role of a lifetime” from the show plays. literally one of the most gorgeous songs ever written, sung by matt doyle. like everything is an act when you’re pleasing everyone - which could be the tagline of skam brighton as a whole. also jake watching “see me” and beginning to tear up because he’s afraid to come out to his mother and get the same negative reaction….. and him watching “cross” and sobbing because he relates to jason so much and feels like he would also be better off dead than gay….. 

BUT AFTER THAT!!! we smash cut to al as jeremy in be more chill, singing the beginning of “more than survive”. absolute king shit!!!!! also, i don’t remember if it’s mentioned in canon, but eleanor is the person who plays the squip in this production of bmc, because i am not!! subtle!! with!! my!! metaphors!! 

and we return to sad boy jacob with “swear to god the devil made me do it” by the front bottoms, chosen because references to the devil and mommy issues <3

AND THEN!!!! A MOMENT OF GREAT FORESHADOWING!!! we get mister alistair fletcher practising alone in a theatre because he is dramatic, and jake walking in as he sings “broadway here i come” from smash. we got references to saints, we got hints at al’s anxiety, we got the falling motif coming back in a song explicitly about jumping off of a building, that also doubles as a song about wanting to do theatre….. also, al plays the last note wrong as a metaphor for al’s plan of suicide going well until the very end, where he ends up alive and goes home.

(side note, we also got the football team’s jackets and signature colours being black and white (straight pride flag colours babey) and then we see al in bright yellow. it also represents jake’s depression and al’s mania, the everything and the nothing of it all.)

AND THEN!!!! we get manic (in the most literal sense of the word) pixie dream boy al asking jake to dance with him to “movement” by hozier because. it’s literally just such a beautiful song. and jake is just watching al dance like “hm. no thoughts head empty just pretty boy”. also the scene itself is a reference to wicked, with jake doing an awkward and stilted dance and al taking it and turning it into something graceful (the glinda and elphie scene in dancing through life)

and then we get the return of blue neighbourhood with “youth” by troye sivan playing over a smoking montage with the boys, because they’re young, they’re gay, they’re vibing

AND THEN!!!! we get “talk” by hozier playing as the episode ends - a song that of course references orpheus and eurydice, as al also did in this clip with hadestown. it also plays over ellie talking because jake is just Ignoring her to pay attention to al. also the inherent homoeroticism of making eye contact while hozier plays

episode three

we open with “highway to hell” by ac/dc over a fun football montage of jake both playing the game and getting bored and checking out guys. it’s about the thinking he’s gonna go to hell for doing it but he literally Cannot Stop

AND THEN!!!!!! a moment. we get a performance of some of “all you wanna do” from six by al and ellie and their theatre kid friends as they rehearse for something at lunch and jake, bryan and rory watch them. ellie’s doing the whole flirty k howard thing, and not actually getting into the real feeling of the song, and the guy she’s dancing with it awkward as all fuck because he’s her cousin. so we get al stepping in and fucking going the fuck off. and we see how good of an actor al really is in this scene, as he’s legit scary. we also see ellie clearly having feelings towards al and him just being like “yep good acting! moving on!!!” because no thoughts just dance. also bryan and rory not understanding that the song is about assault and jake being genuinely concerned….. and then al and ellie’s kiss at the end as ellie “dies”..... god the real reason this show isn’t made is because i would be too powerful if i could make everyone see my theatre kid mischief.

AND ANOTHER MOMENT!!!! we get “like a prayer” by madonna playing as jake is living his life and taking some “am i gay” quizzes - the questions of which are comprised of actual am i gay quizzes i took to make the scene as legit as possible, and as a gay trans person. Did Not Like. Would Not Recommend. also jake admitting he’s gay to the quiz because he’s pissed about the concept of misgendering al….. also jake forcing himself to pick the straight options even though it’s emotionally hurting him…. and then we hear christine singing in the hallway “everyone must stand alone” because it’s jake pov at the time…..

AND SMASH CUT TO!!! fall out boy’s cover of “i wanna dance with somebody”, because at the last very gay house party “i wanna dance with somebody” played and i love a good parallel

AND THEN!!!!!! literally the hottest of all hot boy summer things, we get al and esther doing some karaoke at the house party with “don’t you want me” by the human league. (which, yes, is a glee reference.) THE LITERAL COURAGE OF THIS MAN!!!! alistair fletcher looked a closeted guy, who he has had three (3) interactions with in person, dead in the eye and was like “i know you want me”. as opposed to esther “just be her friend first and then see about anything else” montner and james “I Will Never Speak To You Again If You So Wish” cohen.

and then, because of course i did, we get “bad romance” by lady gaga playing over the next scene with the beginnings of the boy squad because it’s a gay house party and it’s a fucking banger for the ages

(also just the shift from al hot boy summer fletcher to al gay disaster fletcher with him running literally out of the house because he kissed a guy.)

“left handed kisses” by andrew bird and fiona apple plays after jake and al’s deep conversation outside. like jake’s really out here like “i don't believe everything happens for a reason” and “i don't go in for your star-crossed lovers / in the heart of a skeptic / there's a question that still hovers near” because al info dumped about his love for adaptation of romeo and juliet…. (side note, al is definitely an & juliet stan, as everyone should be, stream & juliet <3)

episode four

we open with a song i discovered when i was in a community theatre rip off version of cats, “the show” by lenka. it’s about a song about indecision in the middle of a church before confession, because jake can’t actually confess to the sins he believes to be true. it’s about the “'cause it's too much, yeah it's a lot to be something i'm not”.

And then we fade to “pink + white” by frank ocean (because mlm rights), and just like “you showed me love / glory from above / good glory, dear / it's all downhill from here” is a very al/jake line. also it’s a bop for a little football montage.

AND THEN!!!! on halloween, we get a little montage of jake dancing to “paradise by the dashboard light” by meatloaf as he makes himself a sandwich - it’s literally about just being happy and having a nice time. and also jake dancing to more old timey music because he’s going up to his parents’ old room and he’s also living in the past a little, with his childish snack and playful dancing.

(also, the phone call where al just infodumps about bare and jake’s listening and asking questions <3 it’s about the autistic love and friendship yet again)

and then we get “i’m so tired…” by lauv and troye sivan as we arrive at the very awkward ellie/jake/al pre drink, because Is Jake Not So Tired Of This Heterosexual Bullshit He Must Do.

(also, it is my personal headcanon, and therefore canon, that al convinced ellie to go with the angel and devil costumes so that he could pull up in his leo-as-romeo get up and live out his baz luhrmann esque fantasy).

AND THEN LGBT NATION!!!! we get “run away with me” by ms crj as jake and al literally run away from the party after al got misgendered and Pissed. it’s about the using romance and whimsy as an escapism from your shitty life, it’s about the being the in darkness and occasionally getting hit by the street light, it’s about the “i’ll be your sinner in secret”, it’s about the bare connotation with the “run away with me” parallels. it’s also about the song being one of the best songs ever written.

(and then we get the wedding, which, before i get into the song, is a reference to So Many Things. we got west side story with the fake wedding and first kiss, we got hadestown with al making the wedding rings from nature (a la wedding song), we got bare with wedding bells and the dream wedding, and in the scene, we get some vineyard scene from spring awakening vibes, with the discussion of the future and religion and philosophy…… quite literally i love art so much)

and then. ladies. a piece of writing written in Peak tender tumblr. al and jake have the kiss of their wedding to “pink in the night” by mitski. it’s literally about the “i know i kissed you before but / i didn’t do it right / can i try again?” of it all. like jake love voice “i glow pink in the night in my room / i’ve been blossoming alone over you”. the repression, the pining…………. i am such a talented man.

and then we end with a doctor who reference, with al saying “run”, taking jake’s hand and the two of them running out of the church as “run away with me” comes back in. it’s literally about al taking jake out of his dull life and helping him find his own happiness. it’s also about the inherent autistic culture of relating to aliens.

episode five

WE! OPEN! WITH! a song about being gay and falling in love with someone immediately after meeting them - “share your address” by ben platt. a bop for the ages. it makes me so happy, it’s a great “early stages of a relationship honeymoon stage” montage song.

(also, i just really love the detail i put in about al’s binder, because the cuddle scene with david and matteo in druck did make me worried because david was wearing his binder. like i understand why he wore it for the actor’s comfort but just the thought of sleeping in a binder…… terrible. awful. pain beyond my wildest dreams.)

(also also, al saying he couldn’t get on hormones because of “problems with his heart” is a lie, because he means because of his mental health, which is based on personal experience babey)

and then we get an iconic skam song: “talk show host” by radiohead plays as jake sits in the back of a drama club meeting, isolating himself. it’s literally about the “i want to be someone else or i’ll explode” of it all. 

and then we get “rock and roll” by led zeppelin as jake walks his dogs - just because it seems like the kind of song jake would like and it just vibed with the whole scene.

(also, the clip where jake texts al at the beginning of it and then asks bree about her family….. literally i’m so good at foreshadowing)

AND THEN!!!!! WE GET THE ICONIC!!! “involuntary teenage rebel” by clout from grandma’s closet plays as we get a jake solo slow mo. literally they were right when they said “they say i'm a teenage rebel / but i'm really just afraid of how i come across to others / and it bothers me when i look weak”. like that’s just another skam statement line babey. also it’s genuinely such a good song and literally helped inspire me to do more songwriting…. stream it 

and then we get “heaven” by avicii, chosen purely for the title being “heaven” because christianity centric season.

AND THEN!!!!! we get jake asking al to come save him from the shitty party, and al says “wait for me, i’m coming”, an obvious hadestown reference, and when he arrives, he’s singing the “la la la la la la la”s from the show. it’s because the party - where bryan, rory and ellie are - is, in al’s mind, hell, and he’s going to save jake from it. 

and then, because, as mentioned, the way al express his true feelings is through Music, we get al trying to comfort jake by playing him a song - “you matter to me” from waitress (put a pin in waitress, i’ll get back to it later). the inherent homosexuality in “come out of hiding i’m right here beside you / and i’ll stay there as long as you’ll let me”. also it’s just about mattering to someone. like, for the first time in his life, jake has someone who’s saying “i love you, you matter, i will be here for you” and he just needed that So Much. 

episode six

AND WE SMASH CUT IMMEDIATELY TO!!! “london boy” by taylor swift, a campy and beautiful bop!!!! because al Is from london and he Is a boy!!! (also, fun fact, i was going to make al be from ireland originally, but then someone in the skambr discord said this song should be used in a scene, and i was like “okay, fuck it, london time”)

(also, you can subtly see al’s mania in the london boy scene, with him coming up with quick ideas, clearly having very low anxiety through the past few episodes, and just taking off his shoes and going for a walk in a park in november…..)

and then we get “landslide” by fleetwood mac as jake lies in his dead dad’s bed. it’s really about the “can the child within my heart rise above? / can i sail through the changing ocean tides?” and about the grieving as a child and your mental health getting worse while you’re still so young and you feel like the world’s on your shoulders and you’re both an adult and a child at once……

and then……. we get “class of 2013” by mitski after christine has her breakdown and jake packs his things to run away. it’s about both of them dealing with their grief by pretending it never happened and having all of that build up inside of them until they can’t take it anymore. And i see the lyrics of “mom i’m tired / can i sleep in your house tonight?” in this specific situation as jake being tired of his father’s constant presence and he just wants to be in a house with his mother the way he remembered her before his father died. 

(and, sidenote, this is one of the saddest scenes i’ve ever written, in my opinion…...with jake being like “she’s so crazy, but i’m nothing like her” because he’s in denial of his own mental health issues and al seeing him saying that as “oh, he’ll see that i’m crazy too and want to leave”...... and al says his final goodbye to jake, using his full name, because he assumes jake will never want to speak to him again, but jake has no idea……..)

(also, jake parroting bryan’s words of “gay marriage is legal, so everything is fine” in the pride clip……. God. and the way jake’s internalised homophobia and ableism manifests in the same harmful way….)

and then we get “don’t threaten me with a good time” by panic! At the disco as they boy squad rolls up to the party in the park. it’s just a party song. no deeper meaning lads.

and then we get jake in the bathroom having a little breakdown (as a treat) to “Give me novacaine” by green day. it’s just about the using alcohol and drugs to cope with your poor mental health because you have no other quick way to make it all better. It’s about about jake trying both to numb himself and to force himself to feel something, but neither one of those things give him the results he wants.

episode seven

we open with another iconic and beautiful song: “life in italics” by clout from grandma’s closet babey. like jake love voice “all these troubles on my mind i’ve been lonely / building walls running from the old me”. thank you clout for literally writing some of the best lgbt music. 

AND THEN!!!!!!! a scene that brings me much joy. “gotta go my own way” from high school musical 2 plays in the other room as jake has a religious breakdown in a literal (storage) closet. and then al leaves the group chat and blocks jake…. like jake voice “another colour turns to grey / and it's just too hard to watch it all / slowly fade away”

and then we get “hello!” by role model as jake goes for a depressed jog and he sees bree out drinking with some random people. like “i never really talk much, keep it inside / to find someone who cares is getting harder to find / we should be dancing in the sun / it's hard when everything is numb”.

(also, at the end of that clip, we briefly shift from jake’s pov to al’s, as we see al filming in the park and he films jake running away…… do i know what this means metaphorically? not really. do i vibe hard with it? oh hell yeah)

AND THEN!!!! after jake and sandy have their beautiful conversation, we get “under pressure” by queen and david bowie, another older song, this time expressing jake’s joy as he finds some small solace with his younger self. it’s also just about the inherent homosexuality of the song and of sitting on the beach, eating chips with your best friend.

episode eight

WE BEGIN!!!! with a youtube video of ellie and al singing “wallflower” from we are the tigers. i chose this basically because i wanted to get more of a vibe of what their relationship is/was across, and also because i love the song (stream we are the tigers original off broadway cast recording). it’s also about the dynamic of the song being “shy introvert vs outgoing extrovert being very toxic friends”, and also about the ellie supporting al stuff, because she has canonically been there for him for years, just not in a very good way. also i wanted to write representation for the “had a very intense friendship with a girl pre-transition and then had a dramatic friend break up and now i’m a guy and feel disconnected from the whole thing, although it was quite homoerotic at the time” people. this scene also marked the beginning of my purely self indulgent musical number scenes, and be warned, this may the the first, but it is by no means the last.

and then it’s very music lite for the rest of the episode, until al returns, and jake’s like “hey, maybe you should stop talking to your toxic friend” and al responds by beginning to make out with him as “fuck time” by green day starts to play. the COMEDY of jake being like “seriously, i think--” and then all you hear is “OOH BABY BABY IT’S FUCK TIME”. skam brighton is a comedy show.

and then we get al “communicates through music and theatre references” fletcher beginning to sign the ASL translation of the bridge of “word of your body (reprise)” from spring awakening with jake - which is another Very tragic show - and al also literally says the line “and so you should”. and al responding to jake jokingly calling him insane by shutting him up with another kiss….. oh ladies.

episode nine

WE! OPEN! WITH! “love shack” by the b-52s as jake wakes up and sees james and al just having some Fun making breakfast in the kitchen. it’s just some boys being boys and having bants.

and then we get jake using al’s love language of music and singing “those magic changes” from grease, singing along to the jordan fisher and aaron tveit version because that song did assist in my gay awakening.

(also, al stanning female doctor pomatter in waitress and james stanning waitress as someone from an abusive household….. my mind.)

and now. we begin The Big Bad Clip. “why didn’t you stop me” by mitski plays over the beginning of jake and al’s london adventure. it’s literally about looking back on the scene as it happens in a montage and al being like “why didn’t you stop me from doing that”..... god.

(also, jake and al go to see waitress, which Has been played before, and it’s foreshadowing for how their relationship ends. jenna and jim’s relationship - the main couple of waitress - begins with them cheating on their parents and falling in love quickly in secret, but they know it’s not healthy for them to keep the relationship going, so agree to end things and part ways as friends who wish nothing but the best for each other.)

and then we get “oops! I did it again” by britney spears glee cast version, because it’s just really Sexy and Fun. also just the mentally ill experience of “oops! i did a manic episode again!”.

and then we cut between a piano version of “last night on earth” by green day, as jake sits alone in the hotel room, and “true trans soul rebel” by against me! as al walks down the streets of london, in a split pov, and then we see al having a full meltdown/breakdown in the middle of victoria station. like al voice in this scene “another night you wish you could forge, / making yourself up as you go along / who’s gonna take you home tonight? / does god bless your transsexual heart?”.

and then we get legit “last night on earth” by green day as jake walks away after ellie yells at him. just because it vibes so much.

episode ten

we open with “mystery of love” by sufjan stevens as jake walks down to al’s house, because it’s just a vibey song, and while i hate cmb//yn with the fury of a thousand suns, it Is a song written for mlm.

and then we get “better alone” by lykke li as jake researches al’s various diagnoses. and it’s just like “nobody wants to be the one to walk away / nobody wants to see the truth, then let it in, run away / nobody wants to know the ways they don't love you right” and then “i’m better alone than lonely”..... mr love

and then we get “let it be” by the beatles, a Very nostalgic old fashioned song with catholic themes and just big comforting and recovery vibes…. jake confessing his real feelings to the priest and then reuniting with christine in the church and hugging her tightly and they both agree on working on getting better….. 

and then we get to the talent show, where we see the end of ellie singing “on my own” from les mis - as jake did at the beginning of season one. is this foreshadowing? is it a coincidence? i honestly don’t know. i just chose it because basic theatre girl song.

AND!!!!! THEN!!!!!! we get the song that acts as al’s suicide note: “the goodbye song” by joe iconis (writer of be more chill and “broadway here i come” from smash). we get the return of the falling motif with “i’m flying away” and the lines that really act as what al imagines to be his final goodbye to everyone he knows, as everyone he knows and loves is in that building: “i'd stay if i could / but the universe won't let me / so please be good / and don't you forget me”, and then al turns the “aahs” at the end of the song from a catchy crowd pleaser ending to a long, painful scream as the audience slowly stops clapping, until the room is silent, and then he bows a la the emcee at the end of cabaret (a bow which is often viewed as a metaphor for the character’s death). it’s literally just al having a breakdown on stage, but he rolls a nat 20 on his performance check, and the audience are like “this is very good performance art”

we then get a flashback to “broadway here i come” because. i am a king of foreshadowing.

and then we get “wait for me” from hadestown (obc version) as jake runs to find al, and it’s about the role reversal of jake running to save al from something worse than al saving him for bryan. it’s about the repetition of “wait for me, i’m coming” because of the fear of “what if i get there too late?”

episode eleven

“a better son/daughter” by rilo kiley plays as jake looks through al’s two tumblr blogs - and the song simultaneously a very al and jake song. with the descriptions of depression and dealing with a mother with mental illness at the start, which are very jake, but then the lines “and sometimes when you're on, you're really fucking on / and your friends they sing along and they love you. / but the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap” are just the base character description for al.

and then we get “the archer” by taylor swift as jake goes into the school again…. like he has been the archer and he has been the prey, in regards to being gay (with him helping in outing sandy and being outed himself).....

(also, fun fact about the episode, it was originally written to be from al’s point of view, but then i decided against it and had to rewrite it, which is why there’s only 4 clips instead of the usual 5 or 6)

and then, lgbts, we get “the predatory wasp of the palisades is out to get us!” by sufjan stevens as jake walks his dogs  out on the beach and al goes to the beach to write his emo poetry…… also, fun fact, al’s poetry is the first time i’ve ever written poetry/lyrics that weren’t about me, which is very fun. 

and then!!!! at the beginning of the final clip, we got “footloose” by kenny loggins, the iconic bop from the film of the same name. just because it slaps and it’s a fun time.

(we also get some Foreshadowing with al referencing rent in this scene)

and then. transgender nation. we get “midnight radio” from hedwig and the angry inch playing over al and jake’s having fun and being dumb kids montage. 

i know riverdale made this song a meme, but it HITS. it’s about the al referencing origin of love in the cuddle clip, al saying “i laugh because i will cry if i don’t”, it’s about the “for the misfits and losers” and the “hold onto each other”. it’s literally about jake finding community and also wholeness and happiness in himself.

(also, jake talking about all the little soulmates and the fact that he believes that the boy and girl squads are all his soulmates in different ways…… and bree actually paying attention and showing some vulnerability at that point because she loves her friends so much!!!!!!!!!!)

season four

tw for discussion of sexual assault/rape, alcohol abuse and abortion throughout

trailer

lgbt community. we begins with the regrettes' cover of "don't stop me now" by queen because a) i think it's fun when women and b) it's about bree's mania that we've already seen throughout the seasons, this time from her perspective, and it's simultaneously a Fun Time and a Foreboding time.

episode one

we open with "hail mary, gentle woman" by the cathedral singers, which is literally just the prayer "hail mary", but a song. i chose this because catholic, women, and church time babey. also because it was always one of my favourite hymns growing up (because, in case you couldn't tell from half of the mains being raised catholic and lowkey fucked up because of it, i was raised catholic)

and then we SMASH CUT to "r u mine?" by arctic monkeys, a sad british teen staple, as we see bree wake up in josh's bed for the first time and take the "walk of shame" to get to church. it's about the "i go crazy 'cause here isn't where i wanna be", introducing the Mental Illness, bree's want to get out of where she's from and go to a good uni, and her literally not wanting to be in some strange guy's bed in one line. am I reading too much into this? hell yeah. but it's my show, so i can read as much as i want!!!! (also "satisfaction feels like a distant memory" is both about her depressive states and josh not being able to make her orgasm <3)

AND THEN!!!!!!!!!! we get "all i really want" by alanis morissette, the beginning of my season 4/jlp parallel hyperfixation. it's about bree kinning frankie healy and "do i stress you out?" being her @ audrey. and just bree voice "it would knock me to the floor if i wasn't there already / if only i could hunt the hunter". it's just a perfect teen angst song and it's perfectly grungy and brianna-y.

AND THEN!!!!! we get "kiwi" by harry styles playing as bree slow mos by herself down the street. it's about the just hot girl energy of the song and also the romanticization of unhealthy behaviour because that's bree, baby!!!! also we get more of the word "crazy" because of bree's internalised ableism, and we also get the chorus of "i'm having your baby, it's none of your business", foreshadowing her unplanned pregnancy done by josh, who we saw in the last scene.

AND THEN!!!!! we get "chandelier" by sia as bree and the girls have a fun party moment, but bree is still Fucked Up mentally by seeing annabell and also men being creepy. it's about the using alcohol and drugs to push away your feelings because you have a lot of trauma and have internalised ableism and have no idea how to get the help you need without being vulnerable, which terrifies you so So much. also we see that bree forgot to take her meds in this scene, which i couldn't explicitly say in the scene because spoilers, but it's a fun thing.

then we get dodie's cover of "when the party's over" by billie eilish because i like the soft piano vibes of it as bree walks home after the party, because we always see bree as "the party girl", but the party's over now and we see her petting her cat, making sure her brother's home safe, taking off all her makeup and pretty clothes, completely non sexualised, and just getting into bed to sleep because she's just So Tired. also it's about bree pretending she's happy on her own, but she's Not, she has a lot of self loathing and deeply loves her friends more than anything. also a bree/rori moment with "call me friend but keep me closer".

episode two

we open with an audition sequence!!!!! because i'm a theatre kid and love a good audition sequence!!!!

we get rori singing "sexy" from mean girls, because it's a very rori show (pink aesthetic, fun female characters, a funny time), and because it's a very maureen from rent song. also rori is just a very funny person and also has a sick high belt in my mind. also it's about her learning to like the way she looks, slowly but surely. it's also a song about changing who you are, which is a very skam brighton theme.

and then we get al singing "vienna" by billy joel, but the shortened version they did in smash, but he also plays the piano like ben platt in the politician because he's a basic white theatre boy. it's also just a beautiful song about growing up and maturing, and also "if you're so smart, then tell me why are you still so afraid?" is a very bree line. 

(also, the part where josh calls milo his "kid cousin" and then bree's like "yeah, milo's the same age as me" but josh ignores it…… creepy!!!!! bad!!!!!! also, side note, milo is canonically genderfluid and uses different pronouns depending on the day, which is why they change throughout the season.)

and then!!!! we get annabell singing "hallelujah" by leonard cohen, which is just a stunning song, we all know this. it's a song about faith and doubt and it's also a parallel to rori's happy go lucky song, which annabell's being slow and sad instead. also they're jewish and gay and lovely. and then the jeff buckley cover plays over the next scene because it's Good.

and then we get "feel it still" by portugal. the man as the girl squad text. it's just a fun song and the line "i'm a rebel just for kicks" is great from brianna "rebel girl by bikini kill" holland.

and then, swiftie nation, we get “new romantics” by taylor swift as bree agrees to go out with josh because she’s being self destructive. like the fact that she says yes to him as the line “we’re all bored / we’re all so tired of everything” plays say it all. and just the whole song is very bree core, as a whole, also it’s a really fucking good song. i am a 1989 (deluxe) stan.

and then we fade away with “vienna” by billy joel because it is such a good song god bless <3

episode three

WE!! OPEN!! WITH!!! “tik tok” by ke$ha because it is genuinely one of the best songs of our generation, and also it’s just a very shopping centre song. i don’t know why but it Is.

AND THEN!!!!!!!!! we get genuinely one of my favourite songs that i’ve been waiting to find the right scene for ever since i first heard it. “dog bite” by stella bridie is just genuinely a stunning song that really Gets bree’s character as a whole, especially the first lines “putting on lipstick in the bathroom at the doctor’s  / i got a party after this blood test”..... the whole Need to be perform feminity whilst doing something as simple as going to the doctor’s as bree draws herself and tries to make herself look perfect because she believes her only self worth comes from her body and just….. the vibes. immaculate.

and then we get “ophelia” by marika hackman, another beautiful song, as we see bree self destructively look through all of the cyber bullying that’s happened to her in the past as a way of emotional self harm. it’s just a genuinely depressing scene with a good song underscoring it.

but then we cut to rori and brianna out for a jog together - because both have issues with their self image, but also because they’re friends and like to do things together - as “it’s nice to have a friend” by taylor swift plays. it is a very homoerotic song, with a lot of childhood friends to lovers vibes, which is kind of what we’re going for here. they are both very deeply sad but also it is nice to have a friend and have someone there for you when you find out the cast list of the musical you auditioned for and you can hug them…….

and then!!!!! we get “...ready for it?” by taylor swift as we get another party sequence because it’s a fucking banger and also brianna is Very reputation as a person, which will be shown with some other taylor songs throughout the season. also it’s kind of a “are you ready for it?” for the Deeply Sad scene that follows the fun party sequence, because this is skam brighton, and i will always write scenes of people being sad outside/after parties.

episode four

we begin with “harlem” by new politics as bree, annabell and dean hang out at the shopping centre and fuck around in clarie’s. it’s about a funky song and about the recurring line of “like you, like me, like everybody else” of the three of them all having their mental illnesses in common and bree simultaneously feeling happy that she can be open about it, and deeply uncomfortable that she has to be open about it.

and then we get “crush on you” by elijah who as bree scrolls through instagram and looks at two pictures - one of annabell and one of rori and nick, and when she likes the picture of rori and nick, she literally taps over nick’s face so that she can just look at rori <3 it’s about the bree being a bicon.

and then we get the theatre club watching rent as a fun time!!!! we get tune up #1 and voicemail #1, just iconic numbers. we get theatre kid supreme al knowing all of the words, cool guy james doing his air guitar, and when the line “let her be a lesbian” is sung, we get annabell cheering and rori awkwardly looking away because she has internalised homophobia.

(side note, one of my favourite aspects of this season is that it’s a subversion of the past three, where we’ve seen sandy, liz and jake deal with their internalised struggles with their sexualities, but with bree and rori, rori’s the one dealing with her sexuality, while bree is in love with her quietly)

AND THEN!!!!! we open clip 5 with the iconic skam verse song “call your girlfriend” by robyn as the girl squad show up at a house party and bree and rori have a homoerotic moment

and then!!!!!!!!!!!! a moment of skamverse wlw solidarity, “blush” by rhiza plays as rori and bree kiss in the bathroom. a) because it’s a good song and b) because the whole “she's just a friend, you know, but sometimes yeah i wanna kiss her, uhm but that's just 'cause she's cute right? that don't make me gay, it's not like i like other girls like i only like her, i mean no, i'm not gay, right?” part is really summing up what rori’s going through in this scene. also the song is just a bree song. 

episode five

WE OPEN WITH!!!!!! an iconic moment, if i may say so myself. an iconic wlw song, “boyfriend” by marika hackman, plays over bree and nick out partying. like it opens with the lyrics: “i've got your boyfriend on my mind / i think he knows you stayed with me last night” and then we get “it's fine 'cause i am just a girl / ‘it doesn't count’”. i mean. come on.

we then get a snippet of “rent” from rent in a rehearsal, with the lines: “how do you leave the past behind / when it keep finding ways to get to your heart” and “how can you connect in an age / where strangers, landlords, lovers / your own blood cells betray / what binds the fabric together / when the raging, shifting winds of change / keep ripping away”, which all really relate to brianna with her trying to bury her past traumas and and how she struggles to connect and also struggles with change - and the reference to fabric in the line when she’s the person who does the costumes for the show.

and then we get “pynk” by janelle monae as bree and annabell go charity shopping together and have a nice time. It’s just a fun wlw song and i like it. also it’s boppy and happy and kind of dreamy to show how their relationship is very on the surface and not as deep as it once was and they’re not really going to get that back so it’s just really awkward. 

AND THEN!!!! we get bree panicking because she’s getting creepy messages from josh so she runs to hang out with the girl squad and works on her drawing of them, focusing on rori as “head over feet” by alanis morissette plays. this is kind of a contrast to “pynk”, with it being a song that uses real instruments as opposed to the more electro feel of “pynk” to represent the two different relationships. also the lyrics “you treat me like i'm a princess / i'm not used to liking that” and “you've already won me over in spite of me / and don't be alarmed if i fall head over feet / and don't be surprised if i love you for all that you are / i couldn't help it / it's all your fault” are just Incredibly rori/brianna.

and then we get “hand solo (acoustic)” by marika hackman as we get a brief scene of bree masturbating to some not very healthy p*rn. i was hesitant to include this scene, out of fear of over-sexualising bree as a bisexual girl of colour, but then i thought i had to include the scene from a non-sexual stand point - to show how bree uses sex, even in her own mind when she’s alone, as a self destructive thing, and to show that masturbation is a normal thing to do, but also it’s a hint that bree’s state is getting a bit more manic than usual, so she’s getting more hypersexual. also for the catholic guilt of her stopping and looking up to see the cross above her bed.

when then get ortopilot’s cover of “basketcase” by green day, which is more of an acoustic version of the song. the song itself is just a Very mental illness song and just has a lot of vibes of guilt with it, and the beat of the song is very quick and manic in itself.

we then get “every breath you take” by the police playing over bree and josh’s Scary text conversation in the fish n chip shop, because it’s a creepy stalker song with Pleasant Music over it, which is kind of the Vibe i was going for with josh. also, the season came out around the same time as skames season 3, and seeing the parallels between josh and miquel, with josh being very emotionally distant and miquel being very emotionally close, but both of them having the same goal in mind and end result was very interesting to me. also both of them being very creepy old guys who should stay away from teenagers <3

but then. oh but then. we get a moment that is genuinely one of my favourites. we get the broadway cast version of “forgiven” by alanis morissette, another one of my favourite songs. i chose the broadway version because i prefer the quieter orchestration and the build up to the chorus instead of going all in on it so quickly. i chose this song because bree does parallel frankie from jlp, yes, but she also parallels mj in the fact that she’s repressing her trauma from being sexually harassed and assaulted by adult men ever since she was a child. and the song itself is very beautiful and bree core, with lyrics such as “my brothers, they never went blind for what they did / but i may as well have / in the name of the father, the skeptic and the son / i have one more stupid question” and “we all had our reasons to be there / we all had a thing or two to learn / we all needed something to cling to / so we did”. we also see bree seeking refuge in a church after being harassed by josh, because religion is the place where she genuinely feels safest, but she also doesn’t feel safe, as a bisexual woman in the catholic church, but she also knows in her heart that she is loved by god. 

episode six

WE! OPEN! WITH! “motion sickness” by ms phoebe bridgers plays as bree wakes up at liz’s house the next morning - a song literally about a shitty older man - and then bree is literally sick in the bathroom, claiming she has food poisoning from the strange fish they got last night because she couldn’t go to their usual place out of fear. but, in reality, this is morning sickness from her pregnancy, because she had sex with josh for the first time 6 weeks prior.

and then we get a scene of bree in a manic state rapidly working on costumes as “my body’s made of crushed little stars” by mitski plays. this scene is directly inspired by me in what i believe to be a manic episode staying up until 5am writing because i thought that if i stopped i would forget everything that i was thinking and never write anything good again. fun times. but also just the fast pace of the song and the very depressing lyrics and the whole “i’m not doing anything” playing over bree doing So Many Things…..

we then get a lot of silence because it’s Emotion Time, but then!!!! we get a moment very pleasing to be, “unprodigal daughter” by alanis morissette playing as bree goes to buy a pregnancy test. the song itself is just one of my favourites, and it’s also about bree kinning ms frankie healy (having a “perfect” white older brother, having an intense relationship with your mother, being artistic and into english, being bisexual and just really cool), but it’s also a song about choice and the singer choosing herself and who she wants to be and having hope for the future and wanting to run away. also the line “i’d invite you but i’m busy being oppressed” once again being used in regards to a young bisexual girl of colour….. genuinely one of my favourite lines ever written. the power it has.

and then. bree finds out she’s pregnant via the tests. and “oh no!” by marina begins to play, because skam brighton is a comedy show, but also skam brighton is a show for depressed british-ish teenagers. bree copes with this Really Fucked News by deciding to go and get wasted because that’s her favourite method of dissociation. also the song is just very bree as a whole, with the wanting to change and the “i'm now becoming my own self-fulfilled prophecy” after her making fun of her cousin’s pregnancy in the first episode.

and then we get “bubblegum bitch” also by marina as bree goes out to drink. it’s there to represent how bree is trying to force herself to get into her familiar role of the fun bitchy party girl, but it’s not working because she’s just really fucked, but she’s trying her best.

BIG TW FOR SEXUAL ASSAULT

and then “you are going to hate this” by the frights plays as josh and bree dance together, and we see josh giving her more and more drinks, getting her purposefully drunk as she gives into it, wanting the release being drunk gives her, not realising that he could be doing something bad to her because she’s so distracted by a) the alcohol and b) the fact that she’s fucking pregnant and doesn’t know what to do about it.

and then we get “seventeen” by sharon van etten as josh begins to assault brianna. i first heard this song in sex education, where it played as a group of girls supported their best friend after she was sexually harrassed on the bus, and i wanted to use it here as kind of a parallel to that, but also as a reminder than bree is seventeen years old, a child, and josh knows this, purposefully got her drunk and is assaulting her, because he is a disgusting human being.

episode seven

we open with “interlude iii” by tessa violet, as bree wakes up and leaves josh’s bed again, a parallel to the first clip of the season, but this time we saw the before that presumably happened. it’s just a really pretty song that vibes with the lonely emptiness of the scene.

and then we get “the ballad of mona lisa” by panic! at the disco as bree walks into school. it’s just a really vibey bree song, and the whole “i’d pay to see you frown” line is just about the always masking around people and never showing your real emotions. 

we then get “out tonight” from rent, but the movie version, purely because i just prefer the music production on that version. it just slaps. also, i just used this scene to talk about my love for my interpretation of mimi marquez. she’s just a teenager with a lot of problems who needs proper professional medical help, very much like bree. also, i have always seen “out tonight” as mimi having a manic episode and using the number as a distraction from her actual problems (literally what bree is doing) and i love her. (also the scene of bree watching the scene from the movie and having gay panic is just an Iconic moment)

we then get “funeral” by phoebe bridgers as bree lies in bed, deeply depressed and barely able to move. it’s just about a beautiful and deeply sad song. like all of the lines just vibe really hard with bree and the deep loneliness and emptiness of the song, and the underlying panic really outline bree’s actual emotional state.

and we end with the titular song of the episode, “will i?” from rent. i chose this song because, despite it being very repetitive, it’s always been deeply meaningful to me. and the only lines being “will i lose my dignity / will someone care / will i wake tomorrow / from this nightmare?” playing after bree talked about having to deal with her pregnancy, and following the dream imagery used in funeral, because all of the music Is connected…….. quite genuinely one of my favourite moments, because it’s so understated

episode eight

we begin the music of this episode with “everything i own” by the front bottoms - just a really fucking sad song for a really fucking sad time in bree’s life. with like like “just try to appreciate what you got while you got it” and “sometimes i don't feel like singing / i don't really like these songs / sometimes i don't feel like dancing / dj please, don't turn the beat on / let's keep it quiet, keep me honest, keep me true” just really vibing with her.

and then we get “even my dog” by kathryn gallagher, another one of my personal favourite songs, as bree walks through the hospital. first of all, kathryn gallagher’s character in jagged little pill, bella, does parallel bree quite a lot - being from a poor family, being talented at art, being slut-shamed by her school and dealing with the trauma of being sexually assaulted. the song itself has lyrics describing depression, with lines like “i don’t know how i’m gonna get better / i just know that i’m supposed to / i don’t know how i’m gonna get better / but i’ll tell you i’m good ‘til i believe it too” and “everybody wants me to be happy / everybody wants me to be” and “i can feel it / the life i knew before you / it’s beautiful to be so naive” which i feel just Really fit bree and her situation

then we get a little bit of “musetta’s waltz” played by james, because it’s a rent thing, and rori sings a bit of “over the moon” because it’s a maureen song and i just wanted to include it for a little bit of fun in the hell week

and then. oh and then. we get the funeral scene from rent and “i’ll cover you (reprise)” performed by milo and everyone else. the reason i chose this song is because a) it’s one of the most beautiful and heart wrenching songs in musical theatre canon, and b) i wanted to use the imagery of a funeral to show bree quietly making the decision in her head to go through with the abortion, even though she has many doubts. and the line “a new lease you were, my love / on life” is about the baby bree might have had may be being her ticket to a new life, the way she was for her mother, but bree knows that’s not what she wants and not what she can handle right now. and the moment bree finally break is the climax of the song, the moment death is said out in the open “when your heart has expired”. she hears that, is struck by the reality of what she wants to do, and just runs because it’s a lot for any person, let alone a seventeen year old, to handle.

and then we get the girl squad picking bree off the ground, quite literally, and helping her go to the doctor, all of them together, as “sign of the times” by harry styles played. all of the girls are involved, organising rides and where to go and comforting bree, and al’s staying behind, doing ground control at the rehearsal, because al and bree are siblings and they love each other god damn it. ans the song itself is just. simply epic. and the lines “you look pretty good down here / but you ain't really good” really get to where bree is in regards to her self image and it’s about her finally opening up and accepting help and doing what’s right and good for her, not being self destructive or doing things for someone else.

episode nine

we open with a slowed down piano cover of “knee socks” by the arctic monkeys, simply because i liked the sound of it and it’s a quintessential sad british time, but it’s also about girls being pretty.

and then we get one of my favourite songs from rent being sung by bree, “without you”. it’s a genuinely beautiful song about addiction and the struggles that people can go through with it. the song has a double meaning to bree, as she’s been struggling with her alcohol abuse problems recently and going clean, but the song is also about bree imagining life without her hypothetical child. “but i die / without you” is how bree is seeing it, still thinking she’ll be rejected by her mother, and partially by god, if she goes through with it, but the song goes on. she knows the world will go on without her child, but she’s unsure of how she’s going to be after the child is gone. (we also see james come in and sing too, as he plays roger, but him singing is also a reference to him dealing with his own addiction, as mentioned before in this season, to nicotine).

we then get “you gotta be" by des'ree playing as we go from bree getting herself together after josh gets fired to bree and her mother sitting together and watching ladybird. i wanted ladybird to be playing because it’s a very bree movie, in my opinion, and the “give me a number” scene playing is a really good feel, for me, of what it’s like to be a working class child and feeling the need to pay back your parents, which is something bree also feels immensely. and the song has lyrics such as “challenge what the future holds / try and keep your head up to the sky / lovers, they may cause you tears / go ahead release your fears” and “stand up and be counted / don't be ashamed to cry” and “you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger / you gotta be cool, you gotta be calm / you gotta stay together / all i know, all i know, love will save the day”, which just really vibe with where bree is in this scene, trying to figure out all the things she has to be and can be and the whole thing about standing up is just very bree, because, despite us seeing her insecurities and weaknesses, she’s always been a confident person 

and then we get a scene that i wrote just to make myself cry. bree gets her hair cut by her mother after deeply connecting to her as “slipping through my fingers” by abba plays. it’s a song about a mother watching her daughter grow up and trying to stay close to her despite her always growing and changing, which is how i see audrey. she’s a woman full of love and she will do anything to support her daughter and make her happy, and it took bree until now to see it. and then we see bree’s hair literally slipping through audrey’s fingers, because haircuts are often used as a way to regain control over one’s life, and i’ve used bree’s hair throughout this season as a way to represent her trauma. when she gets morning sickness, she throws up in her hair. josh pulls on her hair when he assaults her. her cutting her hair off is a metaphor for her cutting off her trauma, but then from the hair cutting we transition to:

the abortion clinic, where “soon you’ll get better” by taylor swift and the chicks is playing. a song where a daughter sings to her mother to get better, and we see a mother supporting her daughter as she gets ready to go through surgery. the song itself, though, feels more about bree’s mental health than her physical state. she knows that through this surgery, she will ultimately end up better, but it’s going to take a lot of time.

and then as bree and audrey sit at home, they watch another movie: this time “grease”, representing bree’s desire to get back to her younger, happier self.

and then. we get “wake up” by alanis morrissette as bree gets ready for the rally in support of sexual assault survivors. a song, when used in the jlp musical, is used to talk about how it’s easier to not stand up and speak out against sexual assault. with the line “it’s so much easier not to / and what goes around never comes around to you” being used in regards to the cishet abled white man who will never get back all of the harm he puts out into the world, but we see bree reclaiming the song and her own body, putting on makeup in a way that makes her happy and marching out to the streets as it plays, focusing on her and only her

episode ten

WE OPEN WITH!!!! a moment most pleasing to me - “i did something bad” by taylor swift playing as the girl squad slow mo down the street together, a united front. i chose this song because it’s literally about society saying a woman did something bad, but she doesn’t give a fuck and wishes that she could do it again, which is how bree feels about fucking up a rapist’s life. also, once again, bree rolling a nat 20 on her deception roll as she gets proof of josh having the pictures of her on his phone by pretending to be the manic pixie damsel in distress josh wanted….. and we also get josh using the term “witch hunt”, the same phrase bryan used when he went off on bree, to show that they’re both the same character archetype, but in different flavours (bryan coming in asshole jock and josh coming in adult man incel).

(note: i also wanted to include the girl squad in this scene, because in the og when noora when to go meet nikolai on her own i was just. So Scared for her because she had No One. also, fun fact, i included the fact that the squad call nick “nickolai” as a nickname in season 2 so maybe there would be a theory that he would be nikolai, but i was just playing 4d chess with myself and he’s just a nice guy)

and then we get “seasons of love” from rent, which is, yes, a basic theatre song, but you can’t deny how good it is. and the whole “minute” thing in it lining up with the “minute by minute” iconic skam speech, and we get annabell on the big soloist lines because they’re the person who also heard the “minute by minute” speech before from the same place as bree, because it was said in their group therapy…. and it also parallels “i’ll cover you (reprise)” with them all standing in a line, but this time bree stays because it’s about love and being supported by your friends and not being sure if you’re okay, but knowing there’s always a safe place for you to go where you’re loved.

(also, we get a throwback joke of sandy, once again, being surprised by how strangely sexual all of these musicals are. i love her so so much)

and then!!!!! we end the episode with rori and bree confessing their feelings for each other and kissing for real for the first time, and it ends with “dress” by taylor swift playing. literally just the most homoerotic song, and the whole “i don’t want you like a best friend” line…… they deserve to be in love with each other and i have been building up to them finally admitting it for four seasons. literally the longest slow burn i’ve ever written. 

episode eleven

WE! OPEN! WITH! “watch you sleep” by girl in red, a song i discovered in 2018 and wanted to save for a good moment, and then the whole “do you listen to girl in red” thing exploded, so. (james from derry girls voice) i support wlw, though i myself am not wlw. also it’s just a really sweet song that i like a lot. and we’ve seen bree wake up a lot at the beginning of episodes, and we see her wake up from a nightmare this time, and she calms down instantly when she realises she’s home and with rori…..

and then we get a moment MOST PLEASING to me!!!! we have canon swiftie alistair fletcher streaming “daylight” by taylor swift in the bathroom as bree and rori wait for him to be done. and then they start to dance together to it, with them referencing rent before they start dancing, and rori begins to sing along because rori, as a character, has such “lover” energy. and we get rori singing “i once believed love would be black and white”, which is a reference to her and james’s relationship, with her thinking it would be simple and easy, and then “i once believed love would be burning red”, with her and nick’s quick, passionate relationship “but it’s golden like daylight” and we see her and bree together, calm, best friends who are now lovers, no big dramatics, no fireworks, just two people who care so deeply about each other, holding each other, having seen each other at their worst and still adoring them with every part of their being. and we get the “you’re so pretty”, “no, you”, “no, us” exchange, which is just saying “stop comparing yourself to other girls, just be in love with them and yourself”

and then we get “number one fan” by muna, which is just a really fun boppy song, and just big bree core. with lines like “so i heard the bad news / nobody likes me and i'm gonna die alone / in my bedroom / looking at strangers on my telephone / well, wouldn't you? / wouldn't you like if i believed those words?” is showing her development, going from believing all of the bad shit people say about her, both online and to her face, and standing up for herself and believing in herself

(fun fact, there was originally a clip in this episode where we see bree going to the police about josh, but as i was getting closer to publishing it, i thought “fuck that, i’m not giving them any screentime”, and just gave bree some fun exposition about reporting josh to his school)

so we get “icu” by phoebe bridgers as bree’s walking down the street, just vibing, very happy because she just got her rapist expelled from his university. we get lines like: “and i get this feeling / whenever i feel good / it'll be the last time” which vibes with my perception and bree and her relationship with her mental health, which is currently, in the episode, in a good place because of goos things happening, but she knows that it’s going to come back down eventually, but she’s prepared for it now, she’s not as scared of herself anymore

then we get al’s film of the rehearsal process - which is, once again, him using art and music as a way of expressing his love - as “heroes” by david bowie plays. this is a direct reference to “the perks of being a wallflower”, a very inspiring piece of media to me, writing wise. the film that al makes is just a love letter to being teenagers and making art and noise in a world where people are constantly telling you to shut up.

and then, following two deeply philosophical speeches i wrote at 3am one night, we get the last 15 minutes of act one of a musical because it’s my show!!!!!! and if i want to have a character yell about love and then sing a song i can!!!!!

we begin with “la vie boheme”, the iconic act one closer of rent. quite genuinely, this song has the same meaning here as it does in rent, only with the added layer of “this is the last clip, so we’re just all having a fun happy ending” on it, so i’m just gonna be talking about my favourite fun parts of it.

we got al and bree sharing a laugh as al sings “not to mention, of course / hating dear old mom and dad”; we got al high-fiving jake as he talks about “fruits”, because they’re both gay; we got one of my favourite lines: “to being an us for once instead of a them”; we got milo and bree messing around because i love their friendship; we got bree and nick singing a verse together; we got al making it canon that mark cohen gets pegged with the “mucho masturbation” line; we get rori making eye contact with bree while she kisses another girl, because we love a call your girlfriend reference and we love her character development; we get james finally perfecting “musetta’s waltz”

and then we get “i should tell you”, a song i hated upon first watch of rent, but now i love it so so much. while james and bree are singing it together as roger and mimi, bree is very much dedicating the song to rori, because it’s a song about being scared of starting a relationship but doing it anyway because you’re learning to trust the other person. we also see audrey and patrick in the audience, both so happy and supportive of their children, because i love them so much. i love all of the parents, but audrey is definitely my personal favourite so fa.

and then!!!! we begin “la vie boheme b”, literally one of the biggest bangers of musical theatre history. 

we get rori singing the first fast verse, literally raising a middle finger to the idea of perfection and eating disorders, because while those ideas may be a part of her life, she’s happy to say “fuck you” to them; we get nick voguing to the camera as he sings his fast verse, goofing around like usual; and then we get milo yelling out their verse to the audience, serious, because they genuinely believe in the words they’re saying

then we get the cast all yelling out their lgbt identity in the form of a reclaimed slur. i also changed this part of the show because there’s two terms referring to lesbians in the song and i wanted to a reference just for bisexual people. 

then we begin to shift all focus away from bree and her story, beginning to move onto nick, as he and james dance together as al yells out the title line of the episode: “the opposite of war isn’t peace, it’s creation”. and i decided to edit the closing monologue because i felt that it placed too much focus on roger and mimi’s romance and wanted to end the season with a focus on revolution and positive social change, ending with the line: “the riot goes on and on and on and on…”

and then we end the season with the line “we will now take a short intermission” as nick looks into the camera, because it’s time for a break between seasons babey!

and that’s another well over 10k essay on my music choices!!!!! also, as of writing this, i have officially finished production on skambr season 5!!!! i’m way ahead of schedule, which is really good for me, and the trailer will be coming out in about a month’s time!!!! until then, thank you for reading my infodump <3

#skam brighton #skam brighton spoilers #isaac speaks #tw rape mention

[zorilleerrant]

guys just because you can read something into a text, that doesn’t make it a metaphorical representation. x-men being oppressed is a metaphorical representation of queerness or nonwhiteness (depending on canon). filch being a squib is a metaphorical representation of disability. the closeted gay character in a romance novel (or fanfic) is a metaphorical representation of womanhood.

there’s also:

implicit representation: the author intends a kind of representation, but never states it outright in the medium. this is common for queer characters and their relationships, like Leverage’s OT3. this is also common as a retcon for characters who are read as autistic, like Abed from Community.

informed representation: the author explicitly states a trait of a character, but this is never explored or fleshed out. common as a throwaway line about any woman having kissed/had a relationship with another woman, at some ambiguous point before the narrative started, like Gabrielle from Desperate Housewives. very commonly true of nonwhite characters in novels written by white authors, like Cassie from Animorphs. (generally true of nonwhite characters written by white authors onscreen, too, but the nuance of a nonwhite actor playing the character changes the dynamic somewhat, so they often scan as less white)

representation that is not intended by the author, but is consistent with character traits presented in the work. characters who are uncomfortable with their bodies and gender roles are often read as trans. characters who are very careful with money are often read as having a poor background or inconsistent access to money from problems like familial abuse. teetotal characters are often read as having a history of addiction. this is where a lot of fanon comes from: a certain character (or their arc) would make more sense with a specific identity or life history.

representation that is not particularly supported by the text, but is also not contradicted by the text. all characters are bi. all characters are mixed race children of immigrants. all characters are witches that belong to radical leftist covens. prove they aren’t

representation that is recovered by reading against the text. this is generally stuff the author very much didn’t intend, but that audiences want to reclaim. in my experience, most common with extremely stereotyped and shallow women and characters of color, written by women and authors of color respectively, but could be anything. very popular with villains and antagonists, especially minor ones. Lando Calrissian is my favorite example, personally. also common: White Witch from Chronicles of Narnia, Snow White’s Evil Queen, Short Round from Indiana Jones.

there are things that are implicit in the text, things that you can read into it if you want to, and things that seem to be there even though the narrative says (or implies) they aren’t true. none of those things are the same as metaphorical representation, which is where something is intentionally narratively crafted and resembles a real world subject position.

Harry Potter is not “metaphorically mixed race”, he just can easily be read as nonwhite, and has experiences that make more sense if he isn’t white. Remus Lupin is not “metaphorically gay”, he’s just commonly shipped with another man (unless you mean the whole “lycanthropy = AIDS” thing, which is offensive anyway, and even more offensive that you somehow think getting HIV turns people gay or something). Hermione Granger is not “metaphorically black”, she was just written as black in a popular fanfic.