#like do they really think that people with long-covid will still be capable of working full time?

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

They’ve suspended Matt Hancock for going on I’m a celeb. Thoughts?

YEAH THEY HAVE

Okay so for those just joining us let me explain this latest dance segment in the clown show

So during the Pandemic, back in the days of Big Dog the Clown being our Prime Minister and encouraging us all to go out and catch COVID because he thought that would make us all stronger, our Health Secretary was a terrifyingly incompetent humanoid blancmange called Matt Hancock. As with all of BlowJo's Cabinet, Matt got the job because he was absolutely fucking terrible at everything except being an oily sycophant. Imagine, if you will, they looked around the circus and saw, not even a clown, but one of the freaks in the freak show; not because he even fit the profile for 'circus freak', but because all he had to do was sit there and guard the bin or something equally useless, and that was all he could achieve (for about 71% of the time, and he would otherwise get distracted by candy floss, which he would try to eat by ramming it into his own nostrils and then get into a muddle and cry); and then imagine that guy is who they selected to be in charge of safety for the acrobat show, and called him Chief Safety Clown.

This guy.

So obviously Britain immediately generated one of the worst covid mortality rates on the planet.

But he didn't stay in position too long, because in the summer of 2021, he broke his own lockdown rules by, yes you guessed it, having a greasy affair with an aide in his Downing Street office and taking her on taxpayer-funded dates. And obviously, that was a big problem because the public were super furious with politicians breaking the lockdown rules, so Boris Johnson did the sensible thing and fired him LMAO LOL ROFL I'm sorry I can't keep a straight face, Boris Johnson said it was completely fine and he could stay.

But uh. Matt Hancock decided a lynch mob was not a scenario he'd planned for, so he resigned, and bumbling ham Sajid Javid took over instead.

So, that explains who he is. Now, his signature move is basically to just fellate whichever ringmaster will give him a job, because as you may have guessed, he certainly is not capable of getting a job otherwise, other than guarding the bin. So as the latest ringmaster auditions began, he immediately set about making little "Rishi is the Greatest Briton" badges and generally doing a really good imitation of Nadine Dorries, except for Sunak instead of Johnson.

...which didn't work because Rishi Sunak passed him up for a job entirely lol

So as far as I can see I think Matt Hancock has finally realised that the only reason he was given a job was because Boris gave him one for doing good cheering. I think he's actually spotted that no one else even likes him, because he's greasy and disgusting and also killed loads of people. So if he wants to get back into politics - or indeed if he wants to move from there into the lucrative world of after dinner speaking - he needs to build his public profile as someone who is likeable and doesn't kill a chunk of the country and doesn't have grubby wandering hands like moist prehensile plums.

So, he decided to go on I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.

(???!?!?????)

Except the thing is, "being an MP" is actually a job, and you are actually expected to pretend to do that job. I don't know how anyone else's jobs work, Tumblrs, but I personally am not allowed to just... go to Australia for three weeks without taking any annual leave and abandon the office, and also get paid to do so while still drawing my salary. And it turns out nor are MPs.

His excuses so far are:

I can be an MP in the Australian outback, I'm going to talk about dyslexia so really I'll still be working

I don't think I can work in politics for much longer because I'm bad at guarding the bin and Rishi won't let me do anything else even though I said his hair looks nice :(

Let's see how this is going down!

Oh to have a job where you can decide for yourself you're taking a month off, abandon your work and responsibilities, get paid shedloads and face little consequence. I'm sure he'll be an inspiration to other public servants

-Dave Penman, general secretary of the FDA union which represents senior civil servants

The prime minister believes that at a challenging time for the country, MPs should be working hard for their constituents, whether that's in the house or indeed in their constituencies.

-Rishi Sunak's spokesperson

Matt Hancock isn’t a ‘celebrity’, he’s the former health secretary who oversaw the UK having one of the highest death tolls in the world from Covid-19 while breaking his own lockdown rules. The fact that he is trying to cash in on his terrible legacy, rather than showing some humility or seeking to reflect on the appalling consequences of his time in government, says it all about the sort of person he is.

-Lobby Akinnola, from the Covid-19 Bereaved Families for Justice campaign

Following a conversation with Matt Hancock, I have considered the situation and believe this is a matter serious enough to warrant suspension of the whip with immediate effect

-Conservative chief whip, Simon Hart

I’m looking forward to him eating a kangaroo’s penis. You can quote me on that.

-Deputy chair of the West Suffolk Conservative Association, Andy Drummond

So there we have it, folks! It's going super well!!!!

But having the whip suspended means "expelled from the party until the matter is resolved", which means he is, as of now, no longer a Tory - he's an Independent. I imagine his constituents are delighted.

#politik #asks

[avatar-anna]

Makeup Artist

summary: You’re hired as Harry’s makeup artist for Love on Tour

words: 7.1k

tw: none

Never in a million years did you think that you would be on tour with Harry Styles.

Sure, you were a celebrity makeup artist, but your wheelhouse consisted of red carpets, runways, and editorial shoots. You were familiar with Harry’s work, had even gone to one of his shows for his first album, so you knew that he and his band didn’t really do anything crazy in terms of stage makeup.

For those reasons, you said no when you first got the call. Someone knew someone that knew you, and you were suddenly in touch with the tour manager for Harry Styles. They gave you a brief description of what you would be doing on tour—mostly the band’s makeup, but Harry’s as well for two shows in New York, something about a Halloween special. Going on the road sounded fun, but the job itself didn’t feel all that fulfilling. You absolutely loved makeup, it’s why you became a makeup artist in the first place. You loved getting people dolled up in full glam, playing with colors and themes and experimenting on clients when they gave you the chance. You were more than capable of doing more natural looks, your job often called for it. But makeup was a form of expression for you, and you didn’t think that this job opportunity was going to challenge you in any way, so you politely declined.

You thought that was the end of that, and went about the rest of your day. It wasn’t until a week later that you received another phone call from the same unknown number that you finally took the job. 

“I’m afraid I’m going to have to insist you take this job,” the tour manager said. “H is really impressed with your work, and he doesn’t want anyone else.”

H? You thought. Was it rude of you to assume that Harry Styles didn’t have any involvement in the choosing of his makeup artist? You knew that he’d been dipping into different parts of the beauty industry lately, but you still thought that this was something that his team would take care of.

“I don’t know, this just isn’t something I would normally do,” you said, feeling bad for rejecting the tour manager for a second time. You hoped he wouldn’t be in any trouble with their boss.

“What’s your normal rate?” they asked.

“Excuse me?” It wasn’t an uncommon question, you just weren’t expecting that level of desperation from the tour manager.

“How much do you typically charge? We’ll double it. Or come up with a price that covers the whole tour. You would be a very valued member of our team.”

Double? The tour manager didn’t even know how much you charged clients, yet they were already promising to double it. Perhaps it was a tad selfish of you, but now that more money was on the table, you were considering it. You loved makeup as an art form, but you still had bills to pay. “Uh…Okay. I’ll do it.”

“Great,” the manager said, and you could almost see the weight being lifted off their shoulders. “How fast can you get Covid tested and on a plane to Las Vegas?”

They wanted you to start now? “Well, most of my kit is fully stocked, but I still need to get some things together. And I have to pack, obviously. I’d say…two, maybe three days?”

“We need you here by tomorrow night,” the manager said, making your eyes widen. How did this become so last minute? “Okay…Okay, I’ve got it. I will have someone take care of getting whatever you need for your kit, you just pack and do whatever you can to get here as soon as possible. We’re going all over the country, so be prepared for all types of weather. And make sure…”

You listened carefully as the tour manager rattled off a bunch of details about the tour—more of what was expected from you, when you needed to be there, how to get to the venue, where to stay. You realized that this was going to be a long phone call, so you muted yourself and began packing, pulling out your large suitcase and carefully putting what you thought you would need in it while listening to the tour manager go over things like Covid restrictions and signing an NDA and other technical stuff.

When they were done, they asked you what you needed, you quickly unmuted yourself and rattled off brand names and brush types and the exact amount of sponges you would need. Normally, you would use the same set of brushes on a client and wash them thoroughly, but since you would be doing the same people’s makeup for a few months, you thought it would be more efficient if each person had their own tools and products so nothing would get cross contaminated or thrown out constantly. “I’ll pay for everything once I get there,” you said, but the tour manager brushed you off and said not to worry about it.

The phone call ended, and in the quiet of your bedroom, you were able to really think about everything that just happened. “Holy shit,” you breathed, sitting down on your bed in a daze.

Touring was…interesting to say the least. Everyone you spoke to was incredibly kind and respectful, and never for one moment did you feel like an outsider or like you didn’t belong. After the first few shows, you knew almost everyone by name, and even had people to sit with for meals before the show. 

You needed to call your friend. You were going on tour with Harry Styles.

----------------------------------------------------------

And as you predicted, the work itself was fairly easy. You just had to do the girl band members’ makeup before each show. Nothing too elaborate, just enough powder and blending to make sure they weren’t too oily onstage. You felt like you were scamming everyone, seeing as you were being paid double for doing less than what you normally did, but you hadn’t had any complaints yet, so you kept your head down, did your job, then went back to the bus just before the show started.

For the first couple shows, you stayed and watched the whole concert, excited to be on the road for a famous singer. But you quickly realized that tour bus life wasn’t for you and didn’t get much sleep when it was moving and with so many other people making a lot of noise, so you got your rest for a couple of hours while everyone else was still at the venue.

A month into the tour, though, and you were itching to do more than just foundation, powder, and a little blush. You wanted to do more, and your head was constantly filled with ideas on how you could spice up the band’s makeup. It wouldn’t be for anyone but yourself, but you could do the girls’ makeup in your sleep by now, and you needed to switch things up a little, otherwise this would be a very long tour.

“Can I try something different tonight?” you asked one night. You were sitting with Ny’oh, one of the guitarists. She had the most eccentric style out of the three girls when she wasn’t onstage, so you figured you’d start with her in the hopes that she would be more receptive to something different.

“Course, babe. What did you have in mind?”

The two of you quickly finished up dinner and went to the band dressing room. You got Ny’oh settled in her makeup chair and got her normal routine out of the way, smiling to yourself as you started to prep the skin just beneath her eyes. 

“I can tell you’ve been wanting to do this for some time,” she joked, her eyes looking upward as you patted eyeshadow into her skin.

“I saw this trend when I was while I was scrolling on my phone on the bus the other day. I tried it out for myself and really liked it, so I thought I would see what you guys thought.”

You were always looking to others for inspiration. The beauty of the internet was that you could share tips and learn new techniques to try out in the future. This one that had eyeshadow focused on the bottom half of your eye rather than the eyelid was extremely intriguing to you. One of the nights where you were on your own on the tour bus, you got your personal makeup kit out and began practicing. It looked amazing, and you thought it would be so cool if you matched the girls’ makeup to the suit color Harry was wearing that night. And after listening to his music live a few times, you realized that Harry’s music was very vibrant and lively. You thought you could match the essence of his music through the makeup you did for the girls.

“You should’ve said something sooner,” Ny’oh said, grinning when you handed her the mirror to see the finished product. Tonight, Harry would be wearing a pink number, so you dabbed a soft pink on Ny’oh, added some pink highlight to her cheeks, finished it off with a little mascara, and she was done. She looked soft, ethereal, exactly what you were trying to go for when you started.

“So you like it then? It’s not too much?”

From then on, you were doing something different each night to match whatever Harry was wearing. All three girls were receptive to the idea, and even had you take pictures of the finished look to post online. It was fun to hang out with them before the show, and soon enough you were hanging out with them all the time, exploring new cities together and shopping until it was eventually time to head to the venue.

For the first time ever, you felt like a part of a group. As a freelance makeup artist, you mostly went from one job to the next. You were rehired by the same people often, but before this job, you’d become a little lonely. You lived by yourself, you didn’t have a pet, and you didn’t speak to your family much anymore. It was just you and your one friend, though she had a pretty busy schedule of her own. You thought you were okay with that, but the longer you were on tour, you realized that you’d just conditioned yourself to be fine, and now you were craving companionship more than ever. 

Still, you were so used to your alone time that sometimes you needed it. So while everyone was out to lunch in Atlanta, you were on the tour bus, watching TV on your phone. That is, until there was a knock on the bus door.

Confused, you went over to open it and see who it was. You were on one of the crew buses, and anyone on it would’ve just come in rather than knock. But when you opened the door, your eyes widened. This was no crew member.

“Hi.” You didn’t know what else to say. You technically worked for him and had been traveling the country together for almost two months now, but you’d never actually spoken to Harry.

“Hi, I’m Harry,” he said, pink flooding his cheeks when he realized you probably already knew that.

Sparing him any more embarrassment, you stuck your hand out for him to shake. “I don’t believe we’ve formally met. I’m Y/n.”

“It’s nice to meet you.” He took your hand and shook it, his hand warm and soft, but a little callused too.

You expected Harry to say more, but he didn’t, just continued to stand awkwardly outside your tour bus. You realized then that he’d run out of things to say, and you wondered if he was always this shy. “Did you need something? Everyone went out for lunch and to explore, so they won’t be back until later.”

“No, no, I was looking for you actually,” he said. “Can I come in?”

“Of course! Sorry, where are my manners? I should’ve let you in sooner.”

“It’s no problem.”

You stepped aside to let him in and tried not to gawk. When people met celebrities, they always said things like, “they were taller in person” or something along those lines. You’d never really had a moment like that until now. He didn’t tower over you by any means, but you did have to tilt your head up the tiniest bit to meet his eyes.

The layout of his tour bus must’ve been similar to yours because Harry knew to go to the back of the bus so you could both sit on the couch together. He sat down, crossed his leg, uncrossed it, then placed the other leg on top of his knee. You thought he was just shy, but now you were starting to think he was nervous. I’m not that intimidating, am I?, you thought, wondering how to not come off that way if you were intimidating him.

“I’m sorry for not coming to see you sooner. I usually try to meet everyone at the start of tour, but I feel like anytime I look for you, you’re never around.”

Now it was your turn to blush. “Sorry about that. I usually come back here when I’m finished getting everyone ready for the show.”

“I’m that bad, am I?” he asked, cringing a little.

You blanched, not realizing he was only kidding until it was too late. “Of course not! I’m so sorry if I gave you that impression. I just don’t sleep well when everyone else is in here, so I try to sleep when the bus is empty. I can stay tonight, though. I promise it’s not what you—”

“Y/n,” Harry said gently. “It’s fine. I was only teasing you.”

“Oh.” Well now you were really embarrassed, but you tried to recover. “So, um, was there something I could help you with, or were you just stopping by to say hello?”

Harry took the change of subject in stride. “Well, yes, I wanted to meet you properly, but I also wanted to ask,” he said, pausing like he didn’t want to continue. You knew that look, though. You’d seen it on a lot of guy clients. 

“Do you want me to do your makeup?”

“Erm, yes. I don’t know why, but touring just gives me these dark circles,” he said, touching the soft skin beneath his eye. “I don’t know why that was so hard for me to admit. I’ve worn makeup before.”

You shrugged. “It’s not uncommon. A lot of guys are weird about it. But you’ve come to the right place.”

Getting up from the couch, you ran over to where you kept your kit. You hadn’t had to use the stuff you had set aside for Harry yet, but you still kept it close by each night just in case. Going back over to him, you told him to close his eyes and got to work.

It was completely silent, but it wasn’t awkward. Harry seemed to understand that you needed the quiet to focus. With a brush, you put the tiniest amount of color corrector where he needed it and applied a little concealer over it. His dark circles weren’t as bad as he made them out to be and only needed a little touching up. When you told him he could open his eyes, he did so, a lot quicker than you’d anticipated. Now you were practically nose to nose and looking at each other right in the eye. 

You sat back immediately, putting away your brushes and the makeup you used on him. Pulling out a mirror, you handed it to him so he could see your handiwork. “It’s like they never existed,” you joked.

Harry inspected himself in the mirror, looking from side to side as if a different angle would magically reveal what you’d covered up. Seemingly satisfied, he set the mirror down. “Thank you.”

“Of course. It’s what I’m here for,” you said, taking the mirror from him and putting it back in your kit.

It occurred to you then that now that he was all taken care of, he would probably want to leave. Only he didn’t stand up. Looking him over, you thought he probably didn’t know how to politely excuse himself. It also occurred to you that he didn’t go out with everyone else to explore Atlanta. Because he couldn’t or because he didn’t want to? You wondered.

Taking a chance, you said, “I, um, I was watching TV in my bunk, but I could play it out here, if you wanted to stay for a while?”

You felt like an idiot the second the words were out of your mouth, but before you could take them back, Harry smiled at you and made himself comfortable on the couch. “I think I’d like that.”

----------------------------------------------------------

Halloween was going to be your favorite night, there was no doubt in your mind about it. 

The whole band was dressing up for two Halloween shows, and instead of just doing makeup for Ny’oh, Sarah, and Elin, you got to do the boys’ too. Because of that, you had to start earlier than you normally would, but you didn’t mind. Any excuse to break out your more colorful palettes and blushes was more than worth it to you. And everyone hung around while you worked, too, making it a party of sorts. Stella, the hair stylist, and a nail artist was in the band’s dressing room working with you while everyone was listening to music and talking over each other and having a good time. It was the first time you’d hung out with the whole band before, and you had to admit that they were all very sweet. Not that you ever doubted that, you figured that anyone who worked for Harry was probably nice, and you were proved right.

Speaking of Harry, he had yet to come by to get his makeup done, even though you’d been informed that he would be getting his makeup done tonight and tomorrow. You were curious as to what he was currently up to, but you tried not to think about it so you could focus on finishing Pauli’s makeup. After that afternoon where he watched TV on your tour bus, you saw a little bit more of Harry. He made a point of coming to see you, whether that was on your tour bus, a dressing room, craft services, or somewhere else. And he sat down in the makeup chair before shows too. Nothing major, just covering up his dark circles like you’d done on the tour bus and a little something to even out his skin. It gave him a nice glow too, something you pointed out to him the first time you finished his look. Each interaction was always brief, but you thought it was sweet that he went out of his way to see you when he probably had such a busy schedule.

As you were wrapping Mitch’s makeup—he was the only one that didn’t seem totally thrilled about having his makeup done, so you kept it very minimal, putting a little black on his nose to match the lion costume he was supposed to wear—Harry walked in. Too focused on fixing up Mitch’s brows after you convinced him you wouldn’t do much more than that, you didn’t notice him come in, but he noticed you. He wanted to immediately go over to where you were working, at the very least to see how you managed to get Mitch into a makeup chair, but he was sidetracked by Sarah and Elin.

“See? Not so bad,” you said to Mitch, handing him a mirror. You worried he wouldn’t like it, but he seemed satisfied with your minimal work. Thanking you, he walked back over to where everyone else was while you cleaned up your station. 

“Who’s next?” you called, turning around to see who was free and who wasn’t. It was then that you saw Harry, and your smile was instant when you saw his hand partially raised. “Oh. Hey, Harry. Come have a seat.”

He sat down in the chair, and you got his designated brushes out, immediately getting started on prepping his skin. “How are you?” he asked, his eyes closed while you brushed moisturizer on his skin.

“Good. How are you?”

You spoke to Harry quietly while you did his makeup, starting with a light base and covering his dark circles like you always did. His voice was soft as he spoke, almost like he didn’t want to disturb your work. He wouldn’t have either way, but like most things he did, you found his awareness of your job very sweet. 

“So, I have your base done, is there anything specific that you wanted, or?”

You knew that the theme for tonight was Wizard of Oz and that Harry was dressing up as Dorothy, but aside from that, you had no instruction. Harry opened his eyes and blinked at you. “Nothing…Nothing too intense, I guess? I don’t know, I trust you.”

He was trying to be nice, but he didn’t really give you much to go on. But Harry said he trusted you, so you went on instinct and got started. As promised, you didn’t do anything too intense—a little blush, but strong enough that it would be seen onstage, a little highlight on his cheeks and the tip of his nose, and mascara, though that part made you nervous.

“It might feel a little funny, but try not to touch your eyes, okay?” you said. You used the gentlest formula you had, but you had a feeling it still might bother him, seeing as he’d never worn it previously. You wouldn’t have done it, but you really thought it completed the look, so you just put two coats on and called it a day. “I’ll help you take it all off afterwards. Just come by my bus again.”

“You’re not going to stay?” Harry asked, a small frown on his face.

“I like to catch up on sleep, you know that,” you said. He tried not to look hurt, but you could see it on his face. Before you could think about it, you said, “But I can stay tonight. I want to see how my work turned out.”

You knew you were going to be exhausted tomorrow, but seeing Harry’s face light up was worth it

“I’d like to thank my makeup artist tonight for doing such a wonderful job. She came up with and did all the makeup last night and tonight. She did a wonderful job, don’t you think?”

Harry rested his chin in his hands and grinned so that everyone could see your handiwork. The crowd cheered, and you were suddenly thankful that Harry convinced you to stay and watch his show for a second time. No one of course knew that you were the one who’d done his and the rest of the band’s makeup, but it felt nice to be recognized and praised for your work all the same.

After last night, Harry had more of an idea of what he liked and didn’t like. “Yes to the blush, no to the eye stuff,” he said when he sat down in your chair again. You agreed with him. After the mascara got in his eye while he was onstage, you decided that you would try something else. This time around, you added a slight pink to his cheeks and just above his eyebrows, his skin glowy and flawless as always. Then, as a play on his costume, you glued four pearls to his face: two above his eyebrows and two on his cheeks.

In comparison to his band’s makeup, Harry’s wasn’t as elaborate or over the top, something you had lots of fun coming up with with each person (Mitch even let you play around with some stick on stars too). But in your mind, the makeup was simple so as not to overpower Harry’s costume, which had ruffles and tulle and lace all the way up to his neck. Last night in his Dorothy costume, he’d shouted, “I look cute!”, as he pranced around the stage, but you preferred tonight’s ensemble.

After the show, you went back to the band’s dressing room and began laying out everything needed to remove the stars and pastel colors from their faces. You stifled a yawn, checking the watch on your wrist. In theory, it wasn’t very late, but you hadn’t gotten much sleep in the last few days, and it was starting to catch up with you.

Ny’oh was the first one to enter the dressing room, and also caught you yawning. “You should go back to the bus, get some rest,” she said, walking over to where you were still standing.

“Are you sure? I was going to help everyone get everything off—”

“It’s fine, babe, I know my way around makeup remover. I can help the boys. That’s who you were worried about, right?”

You nodded. “Yeah. Can you just remind them to wash their face and moisturize too? I left some masks out, but I doubt they’ll use them.”

Ny’oh promised that she would take care of everything, ushering you out of the dressing room with a wave of her hands. “I got it, now go. Get some sleep.”

Thanking her, you grabbed the rest of your things and left in a hurry. If you got back to the bus before everyone else, you might be able to fall and stay asleep for a few hours before the snoring and the sleep talking began.

The next two days were mostly traveling with a couple breaks thrown in, so you kept to yourself mostly, hanging out with the rest of the people on the bus occasionally and sleeping when you could. You found traveling days to be your least favorite, as there was very little opportunity to truly be alone, but you managed. When you finally arrived at your next destination, everyone was more than eager to get off the bus and stretch their legs. You did too, but your exhaustion from lack of sleep outweighed your desire to leave the bus, so once everyone was gone, you cuddled up into your bunk, ready to shut out the rest of the world for as long as possible.

It didn’t last long, not nearly as long as you’d hoped, because you were woken up by knocks on the bus door. For a moment, you stayed in your bunk, wondering if it was entirely too rude to not answer whoever was at the door and just hope they eventually went away, but you finally got up.

A sense of deja vu flooded you as you saw Harry on the other side again. His hair was held back with a small black clip, a smile on his face as he looked up at you. The smile dimmed slightly though when he looked you over. “You were sleeping, weren’t you?”

You were, but you didn’t want him to feel bad. “It’s okay.”

“I’m really sorry. I can come back later if—”

“What’s in your hand?”

Harry looked down to where you were looking. Scratching the back of his neck sheepishly, he said, “I asked around and Stella said you didn’t get off the bus with everyone else, and I figured you hadn’t eaten, so…”

“So…you brought me lunch?”

“Yeah, I—I didn’t want you to not eat all day, so I thought I would bring you something, and I wanted to thank you properly.”

“Thank me properly? For what?”

“For all your help in New York,” he said, swaying from foot to foot. 

You tilted your head at him curiously. “It’s my job, Harry. There’s no need to thank me.

“H,” he said suddenly. “Everyone, um, everyone calls me H.”

“Oh. H,” you said, trying it out for yourself, missing the smile that grew on Harry’s face when you did so. “Well, like I said, you don’t have to thank me. I was just doing my job.”

“I mean, just because it’s your job doesn’t mean I can’t thank you, but I guess I also wanted to thank you for even coming on tour. I know you declined the first time and that this isn’t the kind of job you would normally take on, so, thank you.”

You were surprised by his confession, surprised that he seemed to know more about you than you did about him. You vaguely recalled his tour manager saying that Harry insisted that you were the makeup artist that was hired for tour, but you hadn’t thought about it much since.

“Of course. I’ve had a lot of fun,” you said. Then, because you couldn’t help yourself, you asked, “So, why did you want to hire me? I was surprised to get a second call from your tour manager. You could’ve easily gone with someone else.”

Harry’s cheeks flushed a deep scarlet, looking more bashful than you’d ever seen him. “I don’t think you remember, but we’ve met before.”

“We have?” You were pretty sure you would’ve remembered meeting a guy as remarkable as him, famous or not.

“Kind of. Indirectly. I—I saw you?” he said, though it sounded more like a question. “Oh Christ, I sound like I’ve stalked you now, that’s not it at all. You, um, you were Lizzo’s makeup artist at a music festival kind of thing. You said hello and asked if I needed anything, but I could barely say yes or no before you were called away to do something else.”

After Harry’s confession, you racked your brain, trying to remember the instance in question. You remembered the event, one of those big radio shows, and you remembered doing Lizzo’s makeup. That night was such a blur, though. Someone else’s makeup artist was sick with the flu and didn’t show up, so you offered to help out. If you had asked Harry if he needed anything, it was probably because you’d been asking multiple people that same question all night. 

“I remember that night,” you said, feeling guilty that you couldn’t recall your very brief encounter.

“I remembered you,” he said with more confidence than you’d ever heard him speak. Hearing him say that made your face flush, but that only made him smile more. “I asked Lizzo who you were, which definitely raised some eyebrows, but she told me your name, and after asking around a little more, I knew I at least wanted to hire you to go on tour, but then, you know…”

“Covid,” you said, nodding.

“Covid,” he agreed. “Almost two years later and here we are. I hope that doesn’t freak you out. I didn’t hire you with any ulterior motives or anything. I really do admire your work and thought you would be a valuable member of our team, and I think I was right.”

It was certainly a lot to take in, but Harry was being so earnest, you almost didn’t have a choice but to believe him. You tried not to let him saying, “I remembered you,” get to your head, but it was slowly becoming the only thing you could think about.

“No ulterior motives, huh?” you asked, leaning against the side of the bus door.

Harry shook his head. “Nope.”

“So you bring all your crew members lunch?”

“Um,” he looked down at the takeout in his hands.

It quickly dawned on you that flirting with your boss probably wasn’t the best idea. There was still a lot of the tour left, and this…whatever was happening right now was probably more trouble than it was worth. Were you attracted to Harry? Sure, but you found lots of people attractive, that didn’t mean you acted on that attraction. So before he could come up with an answer that would probably be trouble for the both of you, you said, “I’m kidding. Friends?”

Harry looked at you for a few moments, and you couldn’t tell what it meant. Finally, though, he agreed and said, “Friends.”

You let him in the tour bus and led him to the back so you could sit down and watch your show. It only occurred to you now that you hadn’t watched another episode since you watched it with Harry.

As you walked to the couches, you couldn’t be sure, but you swore Harry muttered, “We’ll see about that.”

Now what the hell did he mean by that?

----------------------------------------------------------

It was the last night of the tour, a night you were both dreading and looking forward to for weeks. You’d had a lot of fun, and made friends that you were confident enough to say would last. There were memories you would carry with you forever, and you could only describe being on tour with Harry and his band the experience of a lifetime. Still, you were partly relieved because while touring was fun, it was very long, and living out of a tour bus wasn’t your favorite. Sleeping came easier after investing in ear plugs and a white noise app on your phone, but you’d be lying if you said you didn’t miss the comfort of your own bed.

And then there was Harry.

The two of you had grown quite close over the last couple months, so close that Ny’oh would wiggle her eyebrows at you whenever he came looking for you in the band’s dressing room. That alone was embarrassing, but it was when you tried to convince her that nothing was happening and Harry merely draped an arm around your shoulder and kissed the top of your head that had you flushing from head to toe.

Since that afternoon in your tour bus, Harry shamelessly flirted with you. Anytime he convinced you to stay for the concert instead of going back to the tour bus, he’d wink at you on stage and look you in the eye when he sang certain lines, and during your stop in Seattle, he brought you a bouquet of flowers from Pike’s Place. 

Harry’s affection was overwhelming to say the least. You’d never had anyone work as hard as he did to get you to go out with them, but like clockwork every night before he had to go onstage, he would ask, “You free tonight?”, to which you would reply with a shake of your head. At first, he would only ask you out when no one was around, but as the tour progressed, he said it in front of anyone who was around.

He was never deterred by your rejection, in fact, it only made him double down and try harder. It got to the point where everyone knew that Harry had a thing for the makeup artist. You thought that that would make you some kind of a pariah among the rest of the crew, but it didn’t. Some would tease, but it was never in a malicious way. And Harry’s band only encouraged him.

“Why do you never say yes? You obviously like him too,” Elin asked as you did her makeup one night. 

You shrugged, blending her crease color until you came up with an answer. “He’s my boss. I’m pretty sure that’s like the number one rule about work. You don’t date your co-workers, and you definitely don’t date your boss.”

That was the main point, but you were pretty sure you, and especially Harry, liked the game of cat and mouse you’d been playing most of the tour. You knew that he knew you liked him, so he just took whatever you gave him in stride, ready to try again the next day.

“Y/n,” she said, opening her eyes to look at you skeptically. “Mitch and Sarah are literally married and have a baby. Things are a little different here than working in an office.”

Elin had a point there, one that you couldn’t ignore. If you weren’t resting on the tour bus or hanging out with Harry, you were often babysitting for Mitch and Sarah. Odds were, if someone needed to find you, all you had to do was figure out where the baby was, and you would be there too. Which only made Harry even more attracted to you, not that he would ever tell you that. 

Still, even if Mitch and Sarah made it work, that made them more of an exception than the rule.

 “What happens when it’s all over, Elin?” you asked suddenly

“What do you mean?”

“After the tour ends, I go back to LA and find my next job, and he goes…Well, I don’t know where he goes, but I think the atmosphere here heightens everything. I’m worried it won’t be the same when everything goes back to normal.”

Elin just smiled at you like she knew something you didn’t, but you couldn’t bring yourself to ask her more about it, so you finished her makeup in silence.

Now the final tour date had arrived, and butterflies were running rampant in your belly. You weren’t avoiding Harry, but you also weren’t hanging out where you normally would just before the show started. You were with the baby, walking up and down a random hallway trying to get him to fall asleep. You would never admit it to Mitch or Sarah, but part of you offered to watch him tonight so that you would have a buffer between you and Harry. 

“Am I being silly, bub?” you cooed at the baby in your arms. He didn’t answer, just gurgled at you happily. “He’s a good guy, a great one even. He’s kind, he seems to genuinely care, he likes the things I like, he—”

“He’s wildly attractive, worships the ground you walk on, is great in bed.”

You jolted, clutching the baby tighter to your chest. “Jesus, H, you scared me.”

He was leaning against one side hallway, no telling how long he’d been standing there and listening to you talk about him. Almost like you couldn’t help it, you looked him up and down. The gold vest was too good, showing off just the right amount of skin and accentuating his tattoos perfectly. And Harry knew it too. He was waiting for you when you met your eyes again, grinning at you devilishly.

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were hiding from me,” he said, stepping closer to you.

“Not hiding. No, I’m just trying to get him to fall asleep,” you said, gesturing to the baby you were holding. 

He took another step closer. “So, you’ll get to watch the show tonight, then?”

“Of course. It’s the last one, I wouldn’t miss it.”

“Great,” Harry said, his grin wide and bright. “Afterwards, I was thinking maybe we could just—”

You waited for him to finish, but he didn’t. You figured he was going to ask you out like he normally did, but something about him seemed different this time around. He looked more nervous, less sure of himself. “Just?” you asked, hoping a prompting would help him.

“Talk,” he said, almost blurted. “I think about doing so many things with you, but at the end of the day, I just want to sit and talk to you for hours. Whether that’s in a hotel room, or a house, or a tour bus, or your makeup chair. I want to talk until we know everything about each other. You—You’ve brushed me off every time I’ve asked you, and I was okay with it because I knew I would have another chance, but now it’s the last night of the tour, and I don’t know what I’d do if you said no again.”

“Harry—” you tried to say, but he kept going.

“No, please let me finish. I know you think that we wouldn’t work away from all this,” he said, gesturing vaguely to the venue. “But, I like you so much. I don’t think you understand how much joy just seeing you every day brings me. So no more games, no more chasing you down and hoping you’ll say yes. I think you’re amazing and beautiful and are the most genuine person I’ve ever met. Please say you’ll wait for me after the show so we can talk.”

You were rendered speechless. Obviously you knew Harry liked you, but you didn’t know how deeply. Sure he flirted and sought you out on off days to hang out with you, but you were so focused on keeping your own feelings in check, you didn’t stop and think about what actually being with him might look like. 

Looking at him now, you saw his green eyes pleading with yours. You’d never seen him so desperate before. “I, um, I’d really like that.”

Harry’s expression was one of disbelief. “Yeah?”

Nodding, you confessed, “Saying no to you almost every night is exhausting. It probably doesn’t make sense, but I was protecting myself in case—”

“I do understand, of course I do,” he said. Reaching forward, he gingerly took your chin in his hand. “But I have a break after this tour, and I just want to see where this goes.”

“Me too, and I have the feeling you’re about to kiss me, but it just doesn’t seem right while holding someone else’s baby.”

Harry’s eyes broke away from yours and looked down to where you were still holding Mich and Sarah’s little bundle of joy. He grinned, seeming to agree with you. “That’s fair, but don’t run off right after the show, alright? I want you to be the first person I see when I come backstage.”

“Deal.”

You and Harry didn’t kiss in the hallway, but you let him take your free hand in his as you made your way back to where everyone else was. Both of you were giddy with excitement, looking forward to the end of the show.

“Fucking finally!”

Looking up, you saw Pauli and Ny’oh standing by a bunch of equipment. Having seen your joined hands, Ny’oh shouted, getting the attention of everyone else milling around and prepping for the show.

“Oh my God,” you groaned, embarrassed beyond belief. You tried to slip your hand out of Harry’s, but he held onto you tighter.

The rest of the night was a blur, and by the time Harry was blowing kisses and making his way offstage, you were practically vibrating with excitement. He jogged off the way he normally did, shedding his gold vest and handing it off to someone as he went, but he only had eyes for one person.

You were waiting for him at the end of the tunnel, and having seen you, Harry picked up his speed. When he was finally in front of you, you grabbed him by the shoulders and pushed him against the wall. “I think you’re amazing and beautiful and one of the most genuine people I’ve ever met too,” you said, just before pulling him down so his lips met yours.

#harry styles #harry styles blurb #harry styles fanfic #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles x reader #harry styles imagine #harry styles fluff #harry styles oneshot #harry styles x you

[louisupdates]

The Habit He Can’t Break 4/4

IQ 123 | Gordon Masson | 9.11.2023

If I Could Fly

With the production traveling to Australia, in early 2024, before shifting to Latin America, Andy Lovell at Freight Minds is gearing up to become involved with Tomlinson once again.

“We did the Central and South America dates on the tour last year, and onto Mexico,” says Lovell. “It was very challenging back then as we were still coming back from Covid, and various systems and infrastructure were in pieces. But it all went well in the end, as we kept an eye on things and worked on it every day to make sure we had solutions to everything that was thrown our way.”

Lovell continues, “Things on this tour kick in early next year for us. Historically, Australian services were quite reliable, as we could use any number of airlines. But post-pandemic, the number of long-haul flights still aren’t as frequent as they were. As a result, the production is being reverse engineered with the budget being worked out before we can see what we can afford to take as freight, and then we try to plan accordingly.”

“Similarly, in Central and South America there are still just a fraction of the flights operating, compared to pre-Covid, so that makes it very challenging. If there aren’t the flights to handle the gear, then you have to start looking at chartering aircraft, or alter your schedule, and that can become very expensive, very fast.”

With everyone working on the artist’s behalf to make sure the tour remains on track, being able to call on such experienced production experts is paying off on a daily basis.

Sherwood notes, “There are a few back-to-back shows over long distances that occasionally mean we don’t arrive at the next venue until 11 AM, rather than 6 AM. But we’ve never failed anywhere to open the doors on time, so we know we’re capable of getting things done, even if we have a late start at mid-day.”

Such dilemmas are not lost on agent Rowland. “It’s not so much the routing, it’s more like the timings, because Louis does have two support acts, so the shows start at 7 o’clock, and then when we’re done, we need to load out to get to the next show in good time for loading in the next morning and soundchecks, etc.”

Nevertheless, Sherwood admits that he loves the trickier venues and schedules. “Because I’m a dinosaur, I relish anything that makes things difficult or awkward for us on the production side of things,” he says. “I think everyone on the crew looks forward to challenges in finding the solutions to problems.”

Common People

Having amassed millions of fans through his association with One Direction, Tomlinson very much has a ‘pay it forward’ attitude to music and is building a reputation as a champion for emerging talent, wherever he performs.

“He’s a great advocate for alternative music,” says manager Vines. “Louis realizes he’s in an incredibly privileged position in terms of what he can create in terms of awareness. He loves alternative music and indie music, and he understands how hard it is for that music to be heard. But we have this amazing platform where we can put these bands in front of these audiences as a showcase that allows them to build these authentic new audiences. It’s a huge part of his love of music, wanting to help younger bands.”

Rowland agrees. “He took an act called Andrew Cushin - a very new artist – on the road in America with him as a support, and he’s doing the same for Europe. Louis is a fan and is championing his career.”

Indeed, Tomlinson’s A&R skills have knock-on effects for his agent, too. “He asked me to confirm the Australian band Pacific Avenue as support for his Australian tour last year. The music was great, and they didn’t have an agent, so now I’m representing them,” says Rowland.

Perfect Now

As the European tour speeds towards its conclusion, agent Rowland is enjoying every minute of it.

“It’s incredible – they’ve really stepped things up,” she says, fresh from seeing the show in Athens and Paris. “They’ve got six hanging LED screens on the stage, and the whole production just looks polished and professional.”

And Rowland is especially excited about next year’s Latin America dates, which will deliver her first stadium shows as an agent. 

“The return to Latin America is going to be huge – Louis is playing arenas and stadiums in South America and Mexico 15 shows across 11 countries,” she says. 

Vines is similarly enthused. Harking back to the Covid situation, when the show would go on sale, sell out, be postponed, and then re-scheduled in a bigger venue, Vines says, “For example, in Chile, originally the show was scheduled at a 5,000-cap, half-capacity arena in Santiago. And what we ended up doing with three nights at 10,000-cap in that same venue.”

Vines contends that Tomlinson’s work ethic is outstanding. “He loves his fans, and he loves performing for them, it’s as simple as that,” he says. “He just loves being on the road and seeing how the songs connect live. In fact, the second album was very much written with the tour and live shows in mind – ‘This song could work live,’ ‘This one will open the set,’ ‘This is the one we can do for the encore.’”

Fearless

Another element to Tomlinson’s psyche has been his decision to visit places off the usual tour circuit.

“Louis has a real desire to perform to fans in markets that are often overlooked,” says Rowland.

Manager Vines explains that while the Covid-delayed first tour allowed them to upgrade venues pretty much everywhere, “On this tour, we are a bit more competent on venue sizes, but we still speculate a little bit in different territories. In Europe, for example, we’ve gone into the Baltics in a number of different places to test the markets there, while in America, we’re looking at A and B markets, but also tertiary market as well – we go to places where people just don’t tour in America, just to see what the reaction is. That was something that very much interested Louis - to play in front of people who don’t normally have gigs in their town. So there’s been a lot of experimentation on the tour in terms of where we go and what room to play.”

That concept is something that Vines has employed before. “I manage a band called Hurts, who were pretty much overlooked by the British radio system, and we have spent 15 years building a business outside of the UK. And that was built on going to play at those places where people didn’t normally go. They built to multiple arena level in Russia, for instance.”

“If you can build fanbases in lots of different places, you have festivals that you can play every summer, as well as touring those places. It allows you to have more consistency over a number of years, by having more opportunities.”

Such a strategy found a convert in Tomlinson. Vines tells IQ, “Louis also is extremely fan-focused in everything that he does. He comes at it from a perspective of ‘I want to take the show to them,’ meaning he’s always more willing to take the risky option to try something out.”

And the result? “It’s a combination,” concludes Vines. “There have been a couple of places where we now understand why tours don’t go there. But there are more places where it’s worked incredibly well. For example, we enjoyed incredibly good sales in Budapest. And overall, it’s allowing us to get a clearer idea, globally, of where the demand is, which will help us when we go into the next tour cycle.”

1/4, 2/4, 3/4

#louis press #iq magazine #louis tomlinson #9.11.2023

[sirfrogsworth]

So, I guess Justine has appointed herself one of the main advocates negotiating the use of A.I. within the film industry.

I don't know how else to say this... she is a ditz.

I used to follow her on Tumblr. I even gave her kids laser eyes. And then I started seeing bad take after bad take. And it is disconcerting when someone with mostly progressive ideology veers into poorly informed points of view. And she went completely off the rails when the COVID lockdowns interfered with her local small business. She was ready to throw grandmas under the bus to protect her profits.

Negotiating how A.I. is used in filmmaking needs to be handled competently by someone who understands the technology.

And that is not her.

First you have the pretentious "very raw" statement. Movies contain multitudes and the ones that are not... raw... are valid too. Then she conflates visual effects with A.I. and throws VFX artists under the bus with the grandmas.

If you want her seal of approval you can only do minor fixes and effects. That is so vague and not at all how modern movies are made. Even smaller films without superheroes and crazy CGI can make extensive use of VFX for set extensions and myriad other invisible things. And while there are some "A.I." powered tools in VFX, that is completely different than generative video. Those tools are used by legit artists and still require skill and experience.

The latest Spider-Verse movie used A.I. tools. They trained the A.I. using their own artwork so it could understand their inking style and apply it to the CG characters. It was not a magic push-button effect. But it did save artists hours and hours of tedious, frame-by-frame work. Would that get Justine's stamp of approval or is it not raw enough?

And then she imagines this A.I. blender thing that does not exist. I guess she thinks the still image generators will easily translate into video and work the same way. I'm reminded of Y2K when people were predicting exploding electrical grids and digital armageddon.

The truth is, we have yet to really see what A.I. will be like in a more video-centric context. The tech is mostly based in the realm of still images. From what I understand, generating images is extremely intensive on servers. Actually, text generation uses quite a bit of computing resources as well. So generating complex A.I. video could require orders of magnitude more resources.

Currently any A.I. video you see is usually just a static talking head that had an animation assist from After Effects. Corridor's controversial A.I. anime video required taking live action footage and converting every frame to an anime-style still image. It took them months.

If you look at this video, no one talks, there are no dynamic camera movements, no dynamic lighting, and people mostly just... blink.

Generating still images is much different than generating video.

And as of now, you cannot even create a finished product with A.I. with still or moving images. I mean, it can barely do hands. The stills are not very high resolution, the prompts are often finicky and take a lot of trial and error to get a usable result. And usually you still have to do a lot of cleanup to use an A.I. image for anything considered professional.

Yes, it will get better and probably at an exponential rate. But we don't actually know what the capabilities will be and how people will take advantage of them.

So to make wild predictions of A.I. blenders that can mix multiple actors into a composite super actor is a little premature.

Creating feature length, cinema quality 4K video is a very long way off. Which means we should probably focus on the current problems and when the technology advances more and we have a better understanding of how it will be used, we can cross that bridge.

Also, even if the studios had the capability to create a composite virtual actor, I don't think audiences would ever accept it. People already get grumpy about CGI. Virtual actors do not worry me that much. I think audiences are always going to demand real people saying lines written by human beings. Maybe I'm being optimistic. And I'm not saying we shouldn't put in place safeguards to prevent misuse of A.I. tech. But I still don't think this is a huge concern.

Right now deepfakes on social media are more troubling than A.I. video generation. A scam Mr. Beast deepfake was just passed around and it was definitely good enough to dupe people. We need to figure out how people's likenesses can be protected. We need ways to verify a video's authenticity.

And when deepfake tech is used in filmmaking (e.g. The Mandalorian season 2 Luke Skywalker) actors need very specific approval powers. It makes sense to use deepfake tools to put an actor's face on a stuntperson. That is an amazing way to improve safety. And I don't have a huge issue with de-aging effects (again with consent). But the actor should be able to approve everything on a case-by-case basis and also control what happens to the training data.

Beyond that... what do we do about dead people? Is it good enough that their "estate" approves? Perhaps it would be a good idea for all living actors to make their wishes known before they pass.

And we need to come up with protocols to ethically train A.I. tools.

I believe A.I. has great potential to actually *help* the filmmaking process if we approach this intelligently. It isn't all good or all evil. It could be used for things like rotoscoping which is a thankless and mind-numbing task. It could make big budget-style VFX accessible to indie filmmakers who can't afford ILM. People could make their own superhero movies outside of the studio system on tiny budgets and a gaming PC.

I have been using A.I. tools to paint out things in Photoshop and it works so much better than the old clone and heal tools. There are so many tedious tasks with my photography and art that I would happily pass off to A.I. so I can focus on the more artistic aspects of creation. And I really hope that is the future of how A.I. is utilized.

I don't know if the dreaded A.I. blender is on the horizon, but I really hope a more serious person takes up this fight. We absolutely need to be careful how this technology develops. But if we leave this to silly people, all of the *actual* negative eventualities are going to happen because we were trying to stop a mutant JLawMeganMerylGinger Cruz from dancing in our movies.

[brf-rumortrackinganon]

So I’m 27 next month and I don’t know what to do. I had been studying at college/university in 2019 but dropped out due to my health, tried to get a job but failed, and then a family member died and the pandemic hit all in 2020, and then obviously there was all the lockdowns and I was forced into signing up for benefits here in the UK and it’s 2024, and I’m still unable to get back into work and I’m still seeing a psychologist and I just don’t know what to do anymore as I feel like my life is slipping past me and I’m not able to do anything about it, I know I’m not stupid and I know I’m capable and have career aspirations but also family aspirations. I’ve never had a boyfriend and while I want to have a good career I also want to get married and have children more so, I love kids and I feel like I’m never going to get either. I mean it’s three years until I’m thirty years old, and if I sign up to go back to university then it’s three or four years before I graduate and then years trying to build a career for myself.

Oh anon, I feel for you. I really do. I've several relatives who are (and were) similarly stuck - some of them were impacted by the pandemic years, and others were impacted by the 2008 global meltdown - so I know how hard you're feeling everything.

A few things to keep in mind first:

Everyone does life at their own pace. You are exactly where you're supposed to be because that's exactly where you're meant to be. You are doing just fine being right where you are. As long as you keep putting one foot in front of the other, you'll get to wherever you want to go, even if you take a few detours along the way.

When we judge ourselves by other people, we have a tendencey to compare our worst days to other people's best days because we're our own worst critic. (I blame social media for that - people only share the best things on social media which makes it look like everyone is happy little clams living picture-perfect lives while you're stuck down here in the muck trying to shovel out from two years' of rain.)

I think you'll find that there are more people who feel like you than people who'll say they're living their best life and they wouldn't change a thing.

27 is pretty young, and so is 30 for that matter. If you look at the whole scope of life, what is 'another 3 years' but a drop in the bucket, especially if it will make you happy? You may not have anything to lose if you go back to school now, if that's really what you want to do. But if your heart isn't it, or you'd be doing it because it's what you think you should do, then that may not be the right thing for you. And that's okay!

I don't know a whole lot about the UK in terms of career choices, higher education,a nd job opportunities so I don't know how practical or realistic some of my advice could be. But here goes.

Does it have to be a professional/academic program? Maybe there are trade schools or vocational programs you can look into instead. I think the UK might call it Further Education colleges? (We call it community college here in the US.)

And if you love children, what's stopping you from working with them now? You could become a nursery assistant or a midwife, a nanny or an au pair. You could volunteer with an organization that focuses on children or youth services, or maybe work for one as a receptionist?

One of the things I've learned from my cousins' experiences pulling out of the economic collapse or COVID-stasis is that sometimes the unconventional path is better, luckier, and more successful. So don't think you have to go for a professional degree. There are other options out there. They may be harder to find, but they're there.

I know you can do it, anon. You're already brilliant enough to ask for help, and trust me - that takes a ton of gut.

If anyone has any advice or wants to support our Hopeful Anon, please share in the comments or send in your suggestions! I will use the anon advice tag.

#ask #anon advice #you've got this

[drdemonprince]

hey!! i've been watching your amazing top surgery recovery on insta and i'm wondering if you have any tips/secrets to recovering so quickly??! i've been looking into top surgery but have been so intimidated because everything i've read about the recovery process makes it seem like it'll take months and that's something that's not realistic for me with my limited support system + limited time off work but goddamn i would love to get my tits chopped off asap. i read something about how you gotta b

continued: be prepared to not physically be able walk around or lift more than a jug of apple juice for like two months post-op and that's been scaring me off top surgery cuz that's just not sustainable for me!!

Yeah, so I do think some people are really really overstating how incapacitating the procedure has to be, and that some of that is a holdover of doctor's historical approaches to treating patients.

Like historically, wealthy pregnant women were sometimes in bed nearly the full duration of their pregnancies, and just in general medicine used to believe that the best way for a patient to heal was for them to be lying down doing as little as possible (and being as compliant and inobtrusive as possible), and I believe that might still color some surgeon's recommendations today. Even though we know that gentle movement and maintaining function where one can is good for healing!

Now, my experience with surgery has been far and away better than that of anyone I've heard of so far for a couple of reasons, some that are within a patient's control, some that are not.

The first thing is that I have a high pain tolerance and love moving around, I need to move around to feel good, it's just very helpful for my mental health and sensory regulation. Even when I have the flu or COVID, I still tend to lift weights and take walks -- maybe at a slightly diminished capacity, maybe taking a day off if I feel incapable, but I generally want to move and find it easy to start moving quickly even when I'm sick or in pain.

2. The second piece is, you guessed it, my activity level. Before surgery, I was lifting weights for a half hour each day, five days per week. I'd been doing roughly that amount for a couple of years. I also live in a city and don't have a car so I walk a lot, take the stairs when I can, go out dancing sometimes, and just generally stay pretty active. We could chalk this up as a "choice" but that would be to ignore the fact that I'm capable of doing that much activity and I enjoy it. If I had kids, a 9-5 office job, physical disabilities that impacted my ability to exercise, elder care responsibilities, or anything else, I couldn't work out five days per week. But I personally can. And that has either been good for my health, or is just a signal of the fact that I am in good health.

3. That brings us to the third piece: I don't really have any health issues that get in the way of healing. I get over colds relatively quickly, and aside from a bout of anemia and severe burnout in my mid 20s and some knee pain that I gave myself from using a standing desk for two long that seems to never go away, I've made it to 35 without too many scratches on the vehicle.

Right now I'm probably in the best health of my life, both because of my activity levels and just really finally getting on top of cooking myself meals most days of the week, lots of like fish and veggies and rice and quinoa and shit (I used to survive on power bars far too often. they're still nice. but cooking dinner regularly has made me feel more nourished and strong). Again a lot of that is being lucky enough to have time to do the things that help me feel good.

4. Before surgery, I was hydrating and fibering like a mother fucker, up until midnight the night before my operation, when I was supposed to begin fasting. I also went two weeks without any alcohol, weed, cigarettes, delta 8, or any other substances, and no medications other than my testosterone. I also quit caffeine several months ago which has had a DRAMATIC impact on my mental health and improved my eating and hydration as well. Three hours before surgery I took a prescribed anti-nausea pill, and a celebrex (a prescribed anti-inflammatory, basically it dulls nerve pain a bit) as advised by my doctor.

5. I chose to work with a surgeon who does not use narcotics -- this is a huge one. Opioid pain medications pack a whallop, and if you need them, you need them, there's no shame in that -- but I think the American medical system is still skewed towards using them too willy nilly compared to most other parts of the world. They make you groggy, slow down your digestion, can make you depressed, make you nauseated, and just generally keep you from moving around and eating, and you really do want your physical system to be moving and metabolizing so it can heal you.

I would not have been up and walking around the day of my surgery if I was on opioids. The day after surgery I was able to stream for three hours, ride the train to my post-op appointment, and walk to a restaurant a few blocks away for dinner because I wasn't loopy or medicated at all. And I truly did not need them. Because I wasn't on opioids I was also able to shit the same day I had surgery instead of battling bloating and constipation for days, which most guys describe having.

Rather than giving any hard core pain meds to me, my doctor used numbing injections during surgery, which blunted the pain for the first 48 hours post-op, which is the worst period healing wise. Beyond that, he put me on antibiotics and a celebrex in the morning and at night. I've never felt much pain at all.

At this point, my pain is like.. less than a period cramp? Similar to muscle soreness from working out? I feel fragile because my skin is stitched together, so it's not like I could run a marathon or climb a rock wall, and I can't cook or carry anything over a milk jug. but I can walk around, shower, take the train, open light doors, get dressed, feed my chinchilla, stuff like that.

6. My surgeon encouraged movement. Many surgeons tell you not to lift your arms above your head for weeks, but this can result in you needing physical therapy afterward and losing mobility in general. Now if that's what your doctor tells you to do, you should listen to them, but my doctor told me he wanted me to maintain range of motion. I am allowed to open cabinets, shampoo my hair, and reach above my head to grab things -- GENTLY and SLOWLY -- and i do very very light stretches. In the weeks to come I'll need to weigh two competing concerns against one another: the desire to maintain mobility, and the desire to have thin scar lines. I'm still being very delicate but I am using my arms all day and sometimes raising them.

Now, I can't promise you that any of this will happen for you. And since you mentioned wanting to be as independent as possible, let me tell you: do not push it! you will need help! Not getting enough help will dramatically increase your risk of complications! I have someone with me to lift heavy objects, cook, wash the dishes, help me shower, open heavy doors, and to tell me to slow down when i'm going too hard.

The people i know who did have complications got to that point because they didn't ask for enough help. You will need to take time off of any labor intensive job, and you wont be able to move furniture, make your bed, do your laundry, cook a meal, carry groceries, or do other intensive things for a while. I understand the motivation to get back to 'independence' as quickly as possible, but you can't guarantee that will happen.

This week, I will be doing some light work (grading and reading copy edits) because I am able to, and because I'm high energy enough to be getting bored. But I couldn't count on that. I told my boss and my editor I'd be offline for at least two weeks, more if I had complications. Since I didn't, I'm bouncing back way sooner, but it would not have been healthy for me to set out with that as the expectation. I needed to mentally offload the stress of having a job or I wouldnt have healed as well as I have.

[invincible-selfxmade-punk]

TEACHER RANT

75% of our kids failed the last test we had.

So we have to contact the parents of every kid that failed, tell them the test score and tell them that we are sending the test home for them to retake and that they won't get credit for it unless the parents sign it.

And that's only half of it because for every single kid we do that for we have to fill out a data sheet on it which takes about a minute and a half each.

I teach 108 kids a day!

From 4:20 to 6:00 I'd done about 10 kids so far!!

I gave up and went home knowing I still have so much to do. We had about 15 kids out sick with either strep, flu, or covid today. For every kid that is out I have to cut out their notes and glue them into their notebooks for them --already filled out so they will have them.

I worked through lunch and finally managed to get the first three classes worth of kids done.

I've got kids that literally only show up once every 3 weeks. And yet we are expected to keep them completely updated on every single thing and have their work ready for them and get them ready to take test when they're never here long enough to absorb anything.

And those 75% of the kids that failed they had all of the answers in their notes. They were allowed to use their notes. We gave them the answers over and over probably three or four times each during note-taking. So either they were too busy talking to each other to take the notes to begin with. Or if they are some kind of special needs where we have to take the notes for them and glue them into their book they were too lazy to open up the book and look for the answer. Literally the answer to 98% of the questions were straightforward from the notes literally written word for word and yet most of the scores were in 30% range.

I have one class that only has nine kids in it. Nine kids that's all. But they are all so low level except for one girl. The one girl that is high level is just crazy. All she wants to do is run around pick on people get physical with people grab them pull their hair throw their things around. She's probably one of the few people that could actually do and understand the work but she just acts out all the time. One girl is one of the kids that only shows up once every 3 months and even then she has so many special needs she's pretty much not going to be able to do much of anything in class. And the others while they're medium to low level they are perfectly capable of taking notes and going back and finding the answers.

Aside from one kid who made a 68 the rest of them made in the 30s because they were too lazy to go back to their nose and look anything up and who gets in trouble for that? ME.

I am basically told I'm a shitty teacher, I have no classroom management skills, and I don't know what I'm doing if I cannot make six kids past their test.

Speaking of futility I don't know what it is about this year's set of kids that they have no memory for the smallest things.

When we got our library schedule I told every class Thursday is our library day. The next morning the first thing I heard;

"Are we going to the library today?"

"No, today is Tuesday we go on Thursday."

Next child in line coming in to class:

"Are we going to the library today?"

"No , today is Tuesday we go on Thursday."

Repeat from every single kid to walk into my classroom every single class all day. 108 kids!!!!And then the next day:

"MISS!!! Are we going to the library today?"

"No, today is Wednesday. We go on Thursday."

EVERY OTHER KID, EVERY CLASS, ALL DAY LONG FOR THE FIRST 4 MONTGS OF SCHOOL!!!

If something doesn't change I do not understand how these kids are going to be able to hold jobs or do or learn anything.

I just don't understand it. 85% of them are like this and it is really only the gifted and talented ones which are dwindling every single year that have even the most basic memory and recall ability much less critical thinking.

#teaching #4th grade #library day #failed test #no accountability #lazy kis? blame the teacher #futility

[teasetmonster]

So, I hadn't realized this, but it looks like I haven't really said much about my progressive illness, ME/CFS, on tumblr post-2017. And I imagine that as I post here more again, I'll encounter people who are unfamiliar with me, so I'll try to give a synopsis:

I started having increasingly frequent headaches and then constant burning in my eyes in high school, which we might have payed more attention to if, in my senior year, we hadn't discovered a congenital malformation in my brain that would end up either killing me or permanently damaging my brain if not removed. Before going off to college, I had a craniotomy (surgical procedure where they cut open your skull; I have a big scar under my hair) to remove it that went well.

In college the headaches became one singular headache that just didn't ever end, and the pain started expanding down my body. We started paying attention at this point, but were still kind of distracted as my anxiety and depressive disorders were discovered and diagnosed and I started treatment for them that went well.

I took a medical leave of absence as the headache grew worse, I struggled in school for a mystery reason that I now know was ADHD, and I developed gallstones (I ended up having my gallbladder removed). Over the next couple years, the headache increased to a migraine with the extra symptoms migraines involve and the pain expanded to encompass my entire body. In 2016, I then started experiencing Myalgic Encephalomyelitis/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, which I was lucky enough to be diagnosed with 6 months into my fatigue symptoms. As my fatigue increased, my cognitive function was impaired and it became increasingly rare that I was able to think clearly enough to draw, hence why I posted very little art for a few years.

If you've kept up on the Long Covid epidemic, you've probably heard about ME/CFS, and so you may already know that ME/CFS has no existing treatment or cure. All you can do is desperately try to treat your symptoms, struggling through the barrier of doctors completely unfamiliar with the illness, who are also often unwilling to educate themselves and persistent that you must actually have something they're already familiar with instead.

I've had very little success treating the pain despite trying everything the various neurologists I've seen over the years have thought to try. (if it's something with real medical evidence behind it, I can guarantee I've tried it and I've also been tested for like...every immune disorder.) I currently get 9 take-as-needed doses of a medication that lasts about 2 hours and ever so slightly decreases my pain most of the time (sometimes it doesn't work at all). And that's all I have to go on for 25 days. Again, my pain is unending. I never don't have a migraine. I'm just using my migraine meds to take the edge off when it gets particularly bad. I do have meds I take for symptoms like nausea and digestive issues that don't get rid of them, but do lessen them.

But the biggest thing was I started Low Dose Abilify for the cognitive fatigue in 2021. It actually worked and helped a little bit with physical fatigue as well. The difference was quickly outwardly apparent even at a very low dosage, not to mention inwardly apparent to myself. I've slowly titrated up, in between trying other medications for my symptoms, over the past couple years, and in January 2023 realized that my cognitive function had improved enough that I could regularly draw again and physically could sit up long enough to do so, even though I'm still forced to do so from my bed, which is why I now draw on an ipad. As far as I can tell, this is due to the combination of Abilify and the iron infusions I now get. I'm currently navigating what I am now capable of, and that means experimenting with making art regularly again. -Teaset

#rambling robins #me/cfs #disability #chronic illness #progressive illness #health

[mavrla]

I graduated three years ago from my master’s program. I finished with a straight-A average, got the best grade on the scale from my thesis, and got picked to a research group for a multidisciplinary project from a bunch of qualified candidates. I was told by my supervisor and by the person who graded my thesis that I should continue my studies on PhD level. I wanted to continue my studies on PhD level. So what did I do when I arrived back from Rome?

Started teaching in middle school. 

The reasons were (mostly) financial: COVID shut me the opportunity to return to my old place of work, and I got offered a teaching position after sending applications to practically anywhere I could imagine working. The idea of having a job that I had an education for was alluring, too, even though I never really wanted to teach for a long term.

I have now taught in middle school for 2,5 years. I don’t particularly like the job - I like to teach, yes, and both religion and history are lovely subjects with many opportunities - as the everyday demands with cramped classrooms, students who need more individual support that it is possible for one person to offer (while still teaching all the other kids in the classroom), and the angry parents are quite a lot to deal with. They also create the kind of challenges I don’t particularly want to solve, nor have the resources to solve. On a personal level, I don’t feel like I’m moving forward or learning to be a better teacher, and so, with all this cynicism that is just increasing every day, the entire purpose of my job is to survive for a day, a week, a month, until the next vacay. Which I need to use to gather my strength and rest. The sheer noise of school/classroom makes me want to go directly to sleep after each workday. 

In short, I’m working in a job that could be interesting, but isn’t that for me. I need to find an out before I get even more burnt out than I already am.

The obvious choice, the dream choice, would be going back to the academia. But, as we all know, it isn’t that easy. PhD applications are a challenging project, where you need to stand out as both an excellent scholar and a person that is agreeable enough to work with. And trying to stand out as a middle school teacher who just *wants* to return to academia because she can’t tolerate the idea of staying in the classroom for any more time is... difficult.

I always feel like I’m not enough to apply anywhere. I might have a curious mind, but my imagination is lacking and it has always been very difficult to me to find a fresh angle to any given topic - which, to me, sounds like an essential skill to a PhD student. My English is better than it has been, but I’m still not anywhere near native speaker level, and I have little other language skills to compensate for that. I read French, Italian, and German all to some degree, but I’m not capable of writing or conversing in them. As a historian, my knowledge of ancient languages is lacking, too. My Latin isn’t as good as it should be. My Greek is barely there, as are my Hebrew and Arabic. I know I can study more, I know I *have to* study more, but still, the feeling of being just too incapable of doing anything with these skills lingers.  

I know I can write. The problem is I hate writing. After graduating, I have participated in two different article collections, and it's been an honor, but I still enjoy reading other people’s thoughts far more than I enjoy vocalizing my own. So, this has lead me to think that perhaps I don’t want a PhD, perhaps I just miss the academia - getting to read and converse and enjoy being surrounded by curious people who love the same sticks and stones I do? Maybe academia in itself is my happy place, but taking the next step there isn’t for me? 

So maybe I should leave my job and apply for another master’s. I could do history, as I already have a strong background there, or Islamic studies, psychology or philosophy, as I used to minor in those. I could expand my expertise and study something like gender/intersectionality studies. Or I could just try to apply to some prestigious school and see if the grass is greener in there, if that would make me feel like I was able to conduct original research sometime in the future.

At the same time, I feel like doing a new master’s would not only be a financial suicide but also taking a step back - a step I have already taken and completed relatively successfully. I have ideas that I love, I have willingness to pursue these ideas and see where they would take me, but taking the next step and trying to sell these ideas feels so terrifying that it’s debilitating. I have spent so many days lying in my bed reading fanfiction when I could have sent emails to some professors I know could help me (or ignore me, which probably is the more realistic worst case scenario in comparison to the imaginary derision and laughter I’m expecting in my head).

I feel so tired and confused and alone with all these thoughts and dreams and hopes and fears. Some days, they just hurt me more than they usually do, and today is just one of those days.

#phd applications #imposter syndrome #gradbrl #grad student #phd candidate #teacher rant

[brightgnosis]

This morning was nice and cool so I made myself a cup of Tea and tried forcing myself to sit out in the Garden for a little bit. It ... Really didn't go as planned, honestly.

Wound up just trying to wrangle my Heirloom Tomatoes back into shape instead, to absolutely no avail; I will never make the mistake of growing a 6 foot tall indeterminate Heirloom variety without a cage ever again, I swear ... I'm really just about to yank the whole thing out.

It's got Blight anyways, and I was only growing it for the competition to begin with. I only got one or two off it before it got to hot and it stopped producing, and I wasn't too impressed with the texture, either; I like the Pink Brandywines my Husband's growing so much better. So I'm not sure it's worth keeping around and continuing to fight with.

Realized the Sweet Autumn Clematis is blooming after that, so I've gotta cut that back again soon.

Sad I still can't smell it after Covid- which sucks. I mean, it's invasive anyways. But at least the first time I got to smell it, and it smelled amazing, and so I got to enjoy it while trying to keep it from spreading ... Now, after Covid, it's just ... There ... Causing problems, trying to take over my bench (and my umbrella, and all the trees) and generally being toxic and unusable in any regard until I cut it back twice a year.

Also trimmed back some of the Chocolate Mint that's trying to escape its hanging pot, after that- as well as some Monarda I didn't realize was trying to escape the raised bed. Then I came back in.

I was tired of the smell of insect repellant and getting a headache by then. Plus the bench has a screw that's loose and kept stabbing me in the leg; I don't know where the tool is to fix it and it's a two person job anyways. I'll have to write it down as a fix-it task for the weekend when my Husband's off work.

I wouldn't say it was miserable ... But it definitely really wasn't the relaxing time that I'd wanted to have out there. It just wound up being a sad reminder of not only just how much I cannot do during Summer ... But also how much I want to be out of here, and back into my own house again.

In that regard: We were talking about the Farm properly last night, and apparently it's not even in a livable condition right now anyways; there's a lot of work that needs to be done to make it livable again. So much so that I don't even know if it's something we can afford to do in the first place- let alone something we're even capable of doing at all. And even if we did say yes and take it over, it'd literally take years to accomplish even the basics after all the neglect his Brother gave it for a decade or more.

Like ... How the heck do you put a Farm House back on its foundation - and what the frick is that going to cost to do ??? Not to mention multiple window replacements, re-roofing the whole thing, cleaning out the mountains of trash my Brother in Law left behind, and all the other stuff that needs to be done.

Granted, we're not struggling financially. We can make the bills we have, so long as we don't add more of them ... But how exactly are we supposed to afford all this? This isn't cheap work. This is serious repair work that requires actual professionals. Especially because I do not believe in the D-I-WHY generation for things like roofing, foundation resetting, and even windows; not if you want these repairs to be done right and to last properly.

I understand his mom wants it to remain in the family. I understand that my Husband and I are the only ones who care enough to make that happen- and make it happen right and with the respect it deserves; and that we want to do something similar to this anyways, with or without inheriting the Farm ... But I don't understand how his mother thinks we're actually capable of doing this.

This is Rich Idealistic White People Who Can Afford Lifelong Debt kind of shit. And we are not Rich Idealistic White People Who Can Afford Lifelong Debt. We are Impoverished Rural White Folk stock who absolutely deluded ourselves into thinking we'd finally achieved some semblance of money because we'd clawed our way up just enough in the last half generation that we could finally afford a house within town limits- and then apparently let the family farm go to Hell in a handbasket after the fact ... And there's a huge damned difference.

I was kind of on board yesterday, thinking "sure. I guess we could try it for 5 years and if it doesn't work we could just come back and live in the Basement again". But now I'm tearing my hair out about the idea ... I just don't know how on Earth it'd ever work to even address the basic issues.

I'm so tired.

#ReTaming The Farm #Gardening #Garden 2023 #Verderer #Domestic Witch #Domestic Witchcraft #Green Witch #Green Witchcraft #Oklahoma #Personal #2023 #Gardenblr #Plantblr

[snowwhitelass]

Sam Heughan’s Instagram Story, June 17th 2022

Sam Heughan in Channel 4’s Suspect

ANTHONY ELLISON

How deep are you in filming the new series of Outlander?

We’re shooting season seven and it’s flying by. It feels like we started yesterday but already we’re on our sixth episode. This season is going to take a while, it’s an 18-episode bumper mega season, so we probably won’t be finished until March or February of next year. It’s a big one this year as last year we had to reduce it by six episodes because of Covid and my co-star [Caitríona Balfe] was pregnant, so we moved it.

Did you ever expect it to become this big?

In one word: no. Absolutely not. I didn’t know anything of the books when I first started and I remember my first day with my driver and we were driving into work, and he was like ‘How long do you think this will go for?’ and I said: ‘Probably a year, maybe two?’

Next year it’ll be a decade. So it has been quite a journey, but it’s been incredible, it’s changed my life. It’s been hard graft, but really rewarding.

There’s apparently three more books until the end of the saga. Do you know how Jamie and Claire are going to end up?

Diana Gabaldon [the writer-creator] actually revealed to me how the whole thing’s going to end. She emailed me the last few pages of what will be the last book very early on, I think in the first few weeks of shooting and no one else has seen that I think, apart from one other exec producer. Even Caitríona’s not seen it and I’m sworn to secrecy.

What can you tell us about the prequel that’s been announced?

All I can tell you is I’m not in it, as Jamie’s not in it! I believe that it’s a prequel focusing on Jamie’s parents when they were younger, so I guess you might see a young version of him at some point. But I think I may be a little too old to play young Jamie now! I could play his dad maybe, or a flash forward? It is time travel, after all.

You obviously have to go into beast mode when training for the series, but there’s such a big gap between series – the fans call this period ‘Droughtlander’ – do you still hit it hard or do you give yourself a bit of time off?

I think it’s fair to say that I can’t really stop training, I just enjoy it. Before I was more into endurance sports, I did marathons, triathlons, but Outlander really got me interested in more gym-based workouts; cross-fit and free weights. I really enjoy it.

Did you have to work out a historically accurate way of being ripped?

Absolutely. The first conversation I had with the trainer at the start of the series was that Jamie’s obviously not in the gym; he’s a farmer and he’s a warrior, so that’s the type of body we tried to build for Jamie when he was younger. So there were a lot of compound lifts to strengthen and conditioning, but mostly upper body, back and shoulders. It certainly wasn’t about getting a six pack, fortunately for me so I didn’t have to worry about that too much. He’s a very capable man, therefore we had to build a body that reflected that according to the time.

PATRICIA BOARD

It’s handy then that your next role in Suspect spends a rather large part of a scene topless in the gym, then. Other than that, what attracted you to this role?

It’s such a great cast, when I saw the people that were attached to it, then I read the script, it was really strong and so interesting. Essentially each episode is a two-hander, just one or two scenes, but all continuous; one extended take, which makes for a great challenge.

Your character Ryan, is a bad cop and a bit of a shit. Was that part of the appeal?

They always say bad guys are the more fun parts to play and I loved it - he was so exceptional. He’s a bit of a dark character, who’s got himself into some tricky situations, he’s got a bit of a habit and he’s slightly volatile. It’s fun to not always be the good guy - Jamie Fraser is the king of men, so it’s nice to play something different. My background is theatre so I enjoy stretching myself and playing different roles.

Surely the biggest role you’ve auditioned for to date must be Bond. What was the audition like?

I was called in when they were doing Bond 21, so before they had Daniel [Craig] again. I think they were looking into a younger James Bond, which is what I suspect will happen next. It was such a strange experience, but I enjoyed it. I went in with a script and they were like: “We might get you to read something from this scene” but they don’t tell you what it’s from. After that I was taken upstairs and I met Barbara Broccoli and Martin Campbell, the director at the time. There was a golden gun on the table - I guess from The Man With The Golden Gun? - and we sat around a very large wooden table and talked a bit about Bond. It was strange, as they didn’t want to talk about Bond, but they talked about Bond. It’s all very secret service.

Just about every British actor has had their name attached to it at some point. Do you think they’re worked their way through all the contenders now, and they might need to start going back over them?

I have no idea and I think everyone is always trying to second guess them. But I think the role’s fantastic and I’d love to throw my oversized hat into the ring again if they are! It’d be nice to see a Scottish Bond again.

A rom-com is next in line for you [It’s All Coming Back To Me] was that a conscious decision to dabble in a completely different genre?

It’s a fun, heart-warming script. With comedy, I was like, can I do this? I guess the proof will be in the pudding, but I really enjoy that side of it; a bit of silliness.

The film centres around Celine Dion’s opus - are you a fan? Have you ever belted out one of her songs on karaoke?

I wasn’t a fan before, but now, she’s the queen. As for karaoke, I would never. Never. It’s one of my pet peeves. I used to hate karaoke, I’d go to a karaoke bar with my friends and refuse to sing.

Surely being stage school trained it should be impossible to wrench a microphone from your hand?

I went to drama school and in our singing lessons I sang the same song every time for over a year, then I stopped going. In fact, the teacher even allowed me not to turn up because it just wasn’t my bag.

I guess that counts out any musicals for you in the future.

Never say never, I like a challenge!

The rom-com era is surely going to propel you into bigger heartthrob status. Can you still walk down the street anonymously?

I occasionally get recognised walking down the street. In Scotland, where I normally am, people are a bit more relaxed, they’re not so bothered about people they see in the streets but in America people always want to come and say hi and take a picture.

You’re an actor who manages to draw a distinct line between their public life and their private life really well. Is that something you made a decision about early on in your career?

I think so. Things like social media are probably the least useful tool for actors, obviously it’s a great way to promote yourself and whatever you’re doing, but I always thought an actors job was to remain anonymous so then you can play different roles, so you don’t see the actor, you see the character. But the more popular you get, the more aware you need to be about what you’re releasing, and for me, I’m quite a private person.

There’s always speculation about who you might be dating - is that an off-limits subject for you?

I don’t really talk about who I’m dating, but that’s more for me. I’m sure there have been times when I've been open about it but I think it puts too much pressure mostly on your partner or yourself, but also their families as well, as fans can be pretty…intense.

I hear you’re into antique collecting and have a bit of a collection in your man cave - what’s your newest addition?

I’m obsessed with the River Thames and mudlarking - an expert, Lara Maiklem sent me a couple of pipes which I found fascinating. Finding stuff from the Roman period and before - I just think it reveals so much about human beings and the lives that have been lived in the same area. Even where I’m living now in Scotland is near the Antonine Wall, which I am obsessed with, and obsessed with the history of.

If you could be transported back to any time in the past, when would it be? Or would you rather go into the future?

Future - I’m slightly scared but also fascinated with the future and space has always been a big appeal to me. I’d love to venture into space.

Would you ever be a space tourist? What’s the going rate to jump on Jeff Bezos or Elon Musk’s rockets, like £100,000?

Absolutely, sign me up. There’s still a great deal on Earth that we still don’t know but I would love to go into space, going on the moon would be pretty special.

Alongside acting, your endurance challenges for charity and your spirit brands, what do you do when you take some downtime?

Yeah, when you put it like that, I should probably sleep more! If I watch TV, I actually rarely watch drama, I mostly watch documentaries, I love a good documentary. That Val Kilmer one [Val] was great, especially now with the new Top Gun coming out. I just really enjoy documentaries as I really think that sometimes, life is more interesting than fantasy.

https://www.esquire.com/uk/culture/tv/a40273450/sam-heughan-interview-bond-suspect/

#sam heughan #jamie fraser #outlander starz #esquire #it’s all coming back to me now #scotland #suspect #channel 4 #priyanka chopra #celine dion

[gillianthecat]

Cherry Blossoms After Winter

Obviously, just so fucking cute.  Haebom’s smile is magical.  I loved their chemistry.  They just really felt like people who genuinely liked each other.  Even without a lot of plot, their relationship made sense to me.  I even almost liked the jealousy, which normally annoys me, because they were just so fucking cute about it.  

Their domesticity was so sweet, and they felt like real boyfriends.  The actors handled all the transitions in the relationship well, actually, from unrequited pining and nervous hero worship, to flirting friends, to a long term solid couple. Each dynamic felt real, but they still always seemed like the same people.  And I loved seeing Haebom grow confident at the end, realize that he needed to show Taesung that he loved him just as much, and actually be the one to propose! 

I loved the friends, especially Yonghee.  He was such a good friend to the guys, cheerleading and trying to get them together, without being an overinvested creep about it.

I also really enjoyed the camera work - all the interesting angles (which I’m assuming are very yaoi style) and lighting and general colors.  (Haebom’s transition into lots of pink clothing as he grew more confident was lovely.)

I was surprised to see the show tackle homophobia head on, since I heard that was uncommon in BL, especially Korean BL.  They balanced it well, not hiding it’s impact but also not letting it take over the story.  I was impressed at how the show handled the mother character - it felt nuanced without making excuses for her.

Nitpicky analysis below the cut. Since I like overanalyzing the stuff that doesn't work.  And this is my blog, so I can :-)

I’ve read that people find it slow, which I didn’t at all.  If anything it felt fast, but I think that was because the timeline was confusing at times.  The adaption-ness of it came through in that, it felt like they had cut some scenes and transitions out.  (Or maybe it was Covid’s fault?)  The first few episodes were continuous, so I was expecting that the whole time, but as soon as they confessed their feelings we started getting episodic with time skips.  Which is fine, except I was confused because they didn’t make that clear.  All of a sudden they’re moving in together? When did we leave high school? 

edited to add: ok, so apparently I skipped the end of episode 5 where we see a montage of their high school relationship and graduation and then Haebom says "And so began... our secret love." In my defense, the theme music started playing so I assumed they were just showing clips from the episode like they usually do. So that part makes more sense, but I still think many of the other time skips were confusing.

And I was unclear on how much time had passed before the mother found out.  It felt like a few months, the candles on Haebom’s birthday cake implied two years, and at one point Taesung said something about one year.   My guess is that it was actually one year, and the candles should have said 19.  So, confusing, but not enough to ruin my enjoyment. 

The one scene that felt out of place for me was Taesung’s extreme seme moment when he pushes Haebom against the wall and tries to forcefully kiss him.  It seemed like they thought they had to include it to fit BL conventions, but it was so out of character for both Taesung and the series as a whole.  I’d buy him being aggressive, but not that aggressive.  

The only other complaint I have is that they way they handled kisses/sex scenes felt off.  They had that really good kiss that turned out to just be Haebom’s dream or fantasy, so clearly the actors were capable and willing.  And then they just never showed them kissing again other than cute little chaste pecks.  It just felt odd and lopsided.  It would be one thing if they never showed them kissing in the first place, but to only have it in a dream?

That’s something I’ve noticed in a few shows, where they way they deal with the idea that the uke isn’t supposed to be shown wanting sex, but the show-makers still want to have a high heat kiss, so they frame it as a dream or fantasy, often the uke’s dream/fantasy.  I can’t think of which other show(s) I’ve seen it in, but I’m pretty sure there was at least one other one.  

But I think this lack of kiss contributed to my confusion at the time skip.  A mutual kiss is so often shown as a marker of the relationship becoming real, and they skipped over showing that and went straight to moving in together.  Like, I believe that the characters did kiss when we weren’t watching.  Later on they clearly implied they were having sex.  It was just odd they didn’t show us any waking world kisses.  

And if I’m going to be really nitpicky, the sound recording was off at times.  It was odd because otherwise the production values seemed pretty high.  Maybe that was a Covid thing.

But despite these four complaints, overall I adored this show and it goes on my list of favorites. 

I suspect it’s going to become a comfort rewatch, it just feels like a warm hug.

#cherry blossoms after winter #cherry blossoms after winter spoilers #taesung x haebom #gillianthecat reacts to bl #reaction by gillianthecat

[thewonkywitchescauldron]

Magickal Burn Out

If you know you know….if you’ve been feeling like you're out of sorts lately and not sure why or  what’s happening….You’re exhausted! - emotionally, mentally and physically, then you know what I mean when I say ‘you’re burnt out’.

Even experienced witches have a burn out from time to time and I'm not saying you have to be a witch to have a burn out. Even muggles can feel it, but what I'm talking about is magickal burn out. Do you have Spells, Rituals and Meditations that don’t seem to be going the way they should be? When a witch is experiencing a burn out he/she has no energy to meditate let alone cast any spells and dedicate time to their craft. Their magickal energy seems to diminish which can be scary when you've worked so hard to build that energy up.

So how do we get burnt out?

To put it simply, you’ve done too much. This could be magickally or you have so much going on in the mundane world that you’ve had to take a step back because you don’t have the time or energy to practice.

As a teacher of witchcraft myself and a business owner (concentrating on spiritual classes and products) I know what it's like to experience burnout and trust me it happens more than once or twice. I’ve been concentrating so much on helping others begin their journey or build on it that I've forgotten my own. I get told all the time by my guides to meditate meditate meditate and when I've tried I've not got much at all. Then it dawned on me, it’s not so I can get guidance or anything from them, it's just so I stop and sit for at least 5mins a day and just be. Stop the rat race and check in with myself, I’ve asked for them to draw near and i get a slight bit of contact then nothing. And I know it’s not for them to sort me out, it’s my job to do the work and actually look after myself. I love doing my teaching and making things but sometimes I have to give in and take a step back and top myself up before I can help others. I suggest you do the same, take a day, a week or even a month if you can spare it (make the pigging time people) and look after yourself.

I’ve spoken to some people about feeling guilty for doing absolutely nothing for hours or a day and they feel the same. Which made me think, why have we been conditioned that we have to go go go all the time? It’s not good for us at all. We live this life once and you never know when it’ll end so why do we feel guilty for looking after ourselves and doing absolutely sod all, giving our bodies and minds a rest?

I hadn’t done this for quite some time. Covid Lockdown gave me this chance but as soon as we we’re allowed out I went back to the rat race, like many others. My personal growth and magickal energy has paid the price. I’ve neglected my practice for so long now that I need to build myself up again to feel energies stronger like I once did and perform spells/rituals without getting tired or feel like they are a lot of work to just get started with them. And above all, fall back in love doing it again. I've missed that buzz I get when connecting, that buzz I see in my students when they attend classes. Now that’s magickal burn out. 

So if you’re like me you’ll be asking, How the heck do I get out of this? I’ve made a list of things that I think are helpful for magickal burn out.

Stop. Just Stop. Stop being there all the time and letting others drain your energy. Yes you still have work to do but slow down and prioritise what needs to be done. 

Leave doing magick for others aswell. Especially if they're not willing to work with you and actually do the mundane to help the magick reach the task at hand. It’s a waste of energy on your part - again put yourself first. More often than not they are just as capable of doing the work themselves if they really want it they’ll put the effort in and if not, oh well. It’s not your problem to solve.

De-clutter. Oh I love a de-clutter when I have the energy to do it. It helps to physically clear aswell as energetically. Marie Kundo the hell out of your magickal supplies and stuff. Does it give you joy? No? Get rid!. Have you used it within a few months? No? Get Rid!…. Yes? Keep it!

Be ruthless and have a clear out, make your magickal space nice and fresh, ready for you to work again.

Don’t start again on high energy magickal tasks, start by simply cleansing and balancing your energy again. Meditate but don’t expect life changing results. Baby steps are needed to regain your power once again.

Look at a new subject within your path you may be interested in or a new class that may bring a fresh perspective to your craft. It may be just what you need to give your magickal practice a kick start.

Sit with a nice herbal cup of tea with the moon and soak in her energy, recharge yourself as you do your crystals in the moonlight.

Most importantly, don’t expect it all to come flooding back all at once to how you once was. It takes time. Baby Steps.

I’ve just started to pull myself out of Magickal Burn Out myself by doing the above and it’s slow, but I'm getting there. So why not join me and take the time to prioritse yourself and get you back to you.

I hope this has helped you and gives you some good pointers to help yourself with your own magickal burnout

Blessed Be

WillowMoon

#witch #witchthings #witchlife #magickalburnout #magickalwitch #babywitch #witchcraft #witchythings

[hartshorn-and-isinglass]

An Origin Story.

I'm maybe about halfway through Tim Hitchcock's English Sexualities, 1700-1800 which is not a terribly long book, and I've already bookmarked about 36 citations I intend to follow up on after I finish reading. So begins the journey. The pandemic has done strange things to all of us. Besides a heinous case of long COVID that left me on the couch for a year, family crises, and now an uncertain future in terms of where I'll be living next... it also brought me one hell of a Youtube habit. I'd already been a Buzzfeed Unsolved fan, but when that ran out I branched out into true crime more generally (don't worry I'm also watching Watcher, and yes Ghost Files rules). From there I branched out into aviation and engineering disasters, then into more general weird creepy real-life shit and internet lore. Internet lore somehow led me to mythical and religious lore, and from there I ended up finding Dr. Justin Sledge and Esoterica (if you like learning about the history of mysticism and the occult, you need to subscribe to his channel RIGHT NOW it's so dope). Dr. Sledge collaborated with Atun-Shei on a film adaptation of King James' Daemonologie and when I watched it, I realized I needed to binge everything on this dude's channel. Something about Andy's work is just so deeply, unapologetically, inspiringly weird. Not sure how this works, but I think it broke the seal on some kind of cursed artifact in my brain. And THEN I found his collabs with Brandon F.—which, in addition to the joys of ho-yay have also rekindled my childhood love for the material culture of the 18th century.

I was a strange child growing up (FFS I'm on Tumblr, of course I was a strange child growing up...). Being neurodivergent, queer, and not-especially-binary in a conservative household meant I learned early on to shut up about who I was and what I liked as a matter of survival. Something about the excessive, sensual aesthetic of 18th century Europe calls to a lot of people, clearly, but oh boy did it call to me back then when I was suffocating under the weight of my parents' hopelessly unrealistic, hopelessly boring expectations.

I've heard people talk about the fear/awe-to-kink and comfort-to-kink pipelines, and I think it was a bit of both for me. I got really engrossed in reading about the AWI during elementary school and the images of the Founding Fathers and the Redcoats somehow got lodged in my brain a little sideways. Inevitably, you get a little older and more capable of comprehending how much war sucks and how many sins these countries have to answer for, and FFS why are we being loaded up with a bunch of bullshit propaganda instead of the far more sobering and relevant actual history, etc. But I'm still just fascinated by the 18th century and especially by what we don't talk about when it comes to that time period. What sorts of fascinating and queer possibilities did later generations try to retcon out of their own culture? What sorts of narratives have we missed out on?

What I'm trying to say is that watching Brandon F. and friends do a takedown of Jimchi's Redcoat ASMR video brought up a whole bunch of feels and it sent me on a quest to understand myself better. That's really it.

#personal

[foggyparadisecandy]

Foggy 2.0

Just a recap of the good things that have happened in the last two+ months since my partner split.

It's been a lot tbh ...

I've reconnected with RL friends that I have not seen since pre-COVID. I forgot how fun some of these idiots are. lol

I've made a crapton of new friends online. I love hearing people's stories and ... ngl ... damages. I feel comfort in other people's pains and struggles. It makes me understand that we all have challenges. Life goes on.

I've met a very special, interesting woman who is combination supportive and challenging - calling out my bullshit one moment and encouraging my insanity the next. Who could ask for anything better from a friend?

I lost ten pounds ... somewhat unhealthily at first because I wasn't eating ... but it's all good. I wanted to get a bit thinner so ... yeah! I'm happy about this for the most part.

I have recharged my work life for the first time in a decade. Still got some ways to go but I've set a huge goal for next year and my goal is to knock it out of the park. I want to make a shit ton of money to create some sort of trauma relief or self-help resources for hurting people. Possibly military specific resources. Not sure yet. I have time to figure it out.

I'm sorting through parental damages that have plagued me my entire life. IDK if this will ever get sorted - it's been in me for a long time but I'm going to do my best to process it in a healthy way so I can minimize the damages and recognize the symptoms of unhealthy behaviors. I've been pretty low on myself my entire life lol ... "low" is an understatement. haha. Either way ... working on it now!

I'm exercising a good amount. It's kind of boring but also ... I find it to be meditative when I get in the zone. Plus I'm seeing muscles that I haven't seen for a looooong time. lol. I'm not vain but it does help with my self-confidence to feel in a decent shape.

My home life isn't better necessarily but there is a lot more transparency and open-ness. Honestly this hasn't been on my top 10 things I've even given a shit about working on for a long time. Still isn't. There is more to life than mere existence, dear readers. It's ok to want more and be honest with yourself and your partner(s).

I've been more open with people about my pain and depression. I've made some strong connections with people who have taken my authenticity as an opportunity to express their own challenges. I think mental health is a dirty dangerous secret and I'm ok with putting it out there and giving people the courage to do the same.

I've gotten to know a lot more about myself through reading and talking with a lot of those damaged folks I've met online and in RL. lol. I am learning new things all the time - really stretching myself to grow and evolve. Hard fucking work and I have a long way to go but ... I really am enjoying it.

I feel ... stronger in all ways. More capable. More clear-headed. I have desires like I haven't for a very long time. Desires to achieve more with my life. Do more. Help more people. Make a difference.

I feel better about myself and who I am. No matter what struggles I have with self-image, it's been ... heart-warming ... to hear people tell me about kindnesses small and large that I've done for them over the years in an effort to remind me of who I am. It's ... IDK ... I guess karma is a real thing. I'm a pretty kind and nice person and I've put out a lot of love to people in need. I didn't do it for gain, but it sure is nice to hear people paying it back and giving me ego boosts here and there.

I love and I forgive. I am working on setting boundaries - I don't understand them. I know that. But also I'm talking with my therapist about figuring out a balance here. If I choose to love you, I'm going all in and loving you hard. I'm ok with being kind and supportive. I'm ok with forgiving those I love. I feel they deserve it and I think too many people haven't had enough love or forgiveness in their lives. I don't see my approach as weakness. It's strength.

I was blessed by being part of my former partner's life for as long as she allowed it. It was fucking amazing. She was so open and lovely about everything. Open to trying things. She taught me so much about myself and life. It's funny ... she always had the control ... I knew that and ... as much as it hurt me the way she exercised it (she could have done it differently fr but I forgive 100%) ... I hope she understands it and it gives her comfort - she has power and control even in the submissive role in a relationship. Good thing to keep in mind.

I was blessed that my partner was so brave and strong and showed me how someone with such a tough start to life could perservere and rise to the occasion. It inspired me tbh. It's one of the primary things that made me fall for her. Yeah ... she's got some work to do ... who doesn't? But she's got the core characteristics to succeed in life. She'll go far. I believe in her.

I was extremely fortunate that she reached out and helped ease so many of my fears over her well-being. I honestly can't thank her enough. I feel a million times better. My worry for her was crushing me. My worry that I had hurt her. My worry that she would be killed. So many small worries that she put to rest. I know how hard that was for her to do. She confirmed my belief in her character - even if she probably still doesn't see what I see. I have faith that if she keeps going, she'll get there. I believe in her. Yeah ... I repeated that. My blog so ... suck it.

I 100% Achievements on Binding of Isaac. There were 99 Achievements - I'm taking this as a win! I had started playing this right before the split and I couldn't find the motivation to start a new game so this was a good one to be immersed in ... 400+ hours to distract myself from stuff. Good times.

There's dozens of other small things, here and there.

I won't go so far as expressing gratitude for the break-up but I feel that it's woken me up to more possibilities in my life and ... yeah ... fuck it ... I guess there is some gratitude in there after all.

I'm ok with that.

#catharsis #self love #self care

[runnersnz]

“Hmmm, that elusive Why? Pretty sure the answer I would have given at silly o’clock in the morning on 1st June 2018 would have been very vague and involved something along the lines of “I’m not sleeping anyhow” and “Why not?”, to something with a bit more self awareness, given the benefit of time and a good few thousand foot fuelled kilometres of reflection.

In all reality I’ve no idea why that morning was the morning. It really didn’t seem special at the time, but it was the first step and any change starts with a singular first step, right?

I’d become unsure of who I was anymore, as being ‘Mum’ had been a massive part of my identity. My teenage daughter was managing stress in ways I struggled to understand and didn’t know how to help with, my job (whilst I love it with a passion) was swallowing me whole, sleep was continually elusive, maybe some degree of freaking out about getting older and wanting to live to 100, and give my body and mind the best chance of complying, not just existing.

Running, even from the first half a kilometre jaunt to the end of my road and walking home, provided something that was just mine, with results being determined only by me. Clocking over the kilometres provides the chance to either not think at all beyond breathing and moving forward one step at a time, or space to let things settle and to think more clearly. It’s funny that it can do both.

Right from the start running made me feel better, even when it was ridiculously hard (and still is sometimes). About six months in, I convinced my daughter to join Heart and Sole, an incredible ladies run group in Tauranga. To say it’s changed my world doesn’t even come close to summing it up! The tribe of wahine toa that it connected me with are like none I’d ever had the privilege of being part of and I’m blessed to name many of them among my besties now. We laugh together, cry together and build each other up without reservation. So many of the crazy ass goals and adventures we sign ourselves up for start off as ‘any given day run chats’. My first ultra (Tarawera 50km 2021) came about exactly that way, after Robyn M (she’s signed up many, many unwitting victims) said “You could totally do the TUM50, it’s like a giant party.”

The road to get there was far from friggin smooth and that doesn’t even include Covid. Like many rookies I nudged up the mileage too quickly and had what appeared to be a calf tear in my right leg, rehabbed that, and back on the horse. Here is where I’ll have to admit to being a slow learner I guess, as what felt similar happened in my left leg not long after. Turns out though it wasn’t a calf tear it was a stress fracture just below my knee. A little more investigation, including bone density scans brought to light osteopenia, thankfully not an end to my ultra journey but a serious kick in the butt to train smarter. I joined Squadrun, expanding the tribe of awesome people in what I was fast learning was an epic trail community in NZ, and strength work through Beyond Physio and Fitness – yes you guessed it even more fab peeps!

Trail running builds and restores every facet of my hauora, from simple dog jogs with our two rescue pups, Hilli (she’d run until she died) and Archie (the social runner who wants to chat to everyone), around our local Buffalo Girl trail at Tect Park, to events and adventures across our gorgeous country.

Ultra running has been and continues to be the most humbling of experiences – pushing to see what the body and mind is capable of, friends and family and often relative strangers banding together to support one and other, and encouraging people to do way more than they thought they’re capable of. My incredible partner Phil thought he might max out around the half marathon mark, and he is now two 50km ultras down, with a 50miler in mind and well within his capability. 

It’s commonplace for my running bestie, Ruth, and I to cross the line and cry happy tears, quite possibly having cried a few tears (and used a few choice cuss words) earlier in our runs too. I’m very lucky to have found a run-bestie who is a similar pace, loves crazy adventures (at least once she’s had a bit of time to think about ideas thrown her way and the very real risk of FOMO) and who can spend hour upon hour upon hour flowing between solving the problems of the world to companionable silences. We are a couple of 50kms, a 70km, two 100km and multiple other adventures in with many more to come. I think if I could offer any sort of useful life advice to others it would be something like this: Find your tribe, find something that builds as many aspects of your hauora as possible, and look up and see the world around you.

Today my ‘why’ is much clearer. Running, especially trail running, makes me a better person; connected, calmer, happier, healthier and better able to navigate the ups and downs that life throws my way. In 2022, when one of my favourite people lost his battle with mental illness, I worked my way through the grieving process by running miles for him, for his wife (my childhood friend of over 40 years), for his beautiful children, and for myself. My attempt at the TUM Miler in 2024 will be a celebration of life, of seeing what’s possible, of working through the shite stuff, of supporting and being supported and of whatever else comes. I’ll be running the miles myself, but I know I’m not alone.”

Katreena @kitkat_running_wild (Tauranga) Photo taken at Tekapo – Portraits of Runners + their stories @RunnersNZ