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loveisblindfanfictionbka · 3 years

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Love Is Blind: Chapter One

“Come on Robs, what could it hurt?”

Robyn looked over at her friend and frowned.

“Online Dating? Really? Do you know the kind of psychos on these sites?”

Leandra sighed, “Girl, ain’t nobody saying marry them but at least try it out. It’s been years since your divorce. Why are you still so gunshy?”

“Well maybe because my ex-husband ripped my heart out my chest.”

“Isn’t that a little dramatic? You and your ex-husband were both childish and lost. I still don’t think you should’ve gotten divorced either.”

“You and everyone else seems to have my failed marriage all figured out.”

“Look, forget about all of that, you need to get back out there, even if it’s just for a night of fun. It wouldn’t kill you.”

“You know what, just to shut you up, I’ll do it.”

“Good, I got your profile all set up, you just need to approve it and submit it.”

“How in the hell? This is the first time we’ve spoken about this.”

“Yea but this was just a minor technicality because I was gonna set you up anyway.”

“Ugh….get away from me.”

Leandra laughed as she slid her laptop over for Robyn to review the profile. After a few minutes, Robyn nodded her head in approval and pressed publish.

“So now what?”

“Now you wait to see if you get any hits or you just peruse others’ profiles too.”

Robyn was shaking her head before Leandra even finished her statement, “I am not perusing anything. I don’t even want to do this right now.”

“So let the men come to you, it is the natural order of things.”

“I’ma divorce you next.”

“You love me so whatever.”

Robyn laughed as she leaned her head on Leandra’s shoulder, “Le, do you really think this will help?”

“I think it’ll give you something to do while you try to get your life right again. I love you and I know you and I know that your divorce is something that you’re still trying to understand but your life doesn’t have to stop while you’re doing that. Things don’t have to be serious. You don’t have to fall in love with anybody but it wouldn’t hurt to get from behind these walls you’ve erected and live. You owe it to yourself, if nobody else.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Daddy, come on, the movie is starting”

Chris smiled as he rushed into the living room with a big bowl of popcorn. He sat next to his 3 year old daughter, Anesa, just as the classic Disney symbol flashed across the big screen.

“You know Princess, you could’ve just paused the tv. This is just a stream.”

“No because you were supposed to be faster anyway.”

Chris chuckled as he kissed her temple. He made the right decision becoming a foster dad two years ago. The little imp had done so much to replace the empty void in his life. He had suffered so much loss, being able to give that extra love to someone felt good. An image flashed in his head and he shook it. Years ago, he thought he had someone but that relationship crashed and burned. It surprised him that he even thought about her sometimes, all these years later.

Just as he started to become enamored with the Princess and The Frog, his phone rang. Anesa glanced over at him as he stepped out into the kitchen to answer it.

“Hello?”

“CB, what’s going on, Bro?”

“Marcus, how you doing?”

“I’m good. I’m moving back to the city so I just wanted to check in and see if we could meet up one of these days.”

“Of course, I’ll see if my sister can watch my daughter so just let me know when.”

“Daughter? A lot has happened, huh?”

“Too much.”

“How’s the wife?”

“Divorced years ago. I thought you knew.”

“I thought you were joking. You really went through with it?”

“We weren’t exactly seeing eye to eye.”

“But you were together for so long since middle school, right?”

“Officially since high school but you’d think that would’ve made our life together much easier, but nope.”

“Wow. We definitely got some catching up to do. Well, I’m back officially on Friday. We can meet at Roddy’s Bar.”

“Cool. 8 good for you?”

“Perfect, Bro. See you then.”

“Bet.”

They hung up and Chris went back to watching TV with Anesa.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Robyn fought as much as she could to not be curious about the stupid dating app but….that only worked for so long. As she scrolled, the frown in her face just got deeper and deeper. What the hell had the world become? These men were just- no. It was hard being single. She hadn’t been single in years. Scratch that, ever. She’d never been single. She wasn’t used to being alone and being married was supposed to prevent that. Her ex-husband had literally tore her heart in two and she still hadn’t recovered. How two people so in love could be so incompatible baffled her mind to this day? Of course, her people just thought they were too young and just gave up too quickly but what would they know? They didn’t live with them 24/7. Yes, they had awesome memories but all she could remember was how alone she felt when he was in the bed right next to her. How withdrawn he had gotten in the last two years of their marriage. How unsettled she felt. Like she never knew when he would finally explode from holding everything in. She felt like she walked on eggshells her whole marriage but him asking for a divorce shook her to her very core and she had never bounced back from it. She endured his brutal silence, his emotional hardness but yet he was the one who walked away. It just never made sense to her. Just as she was about to close the app, a direct message popped up.

Subject: Hello

Body: Hi, I was browsing your profile and you seemed really interesting. I was wondering if you would like to chat.

Robyn frowned a bit but she clicked on his photo to be directed to his profile. 42 years old. Divorced. One child. College Music Professor.

He seemed harmless. His photo was full length so his face wasn’t the clearest but he looked decent. Besides he’d probably say something weird and she’d never have to meet him in person so what’s the risk and Leandra had listed her under just her initials so it’s not like he’d know her real name anyway.

Re: Hello

Body: Hi, I would love to chat with you. My name’s Anna. Yours?

A few minutes passed before she got a reply

Re: Hello

Body: Christian but my friends and family call me Chris. It’s nice to meet you Anna.

A: Chris? That must be a common name, I know a few of those.

C: I can imagine. Don’t know too many Annas though. Not the typical name of this time

A: It’s a little old school but I like it. I see you’re a music professor

C: Yup. Decided to change career paths once I got divorced a few years ago. You’re a veterinarian?”

A: Yea, I own a clinic and a shelter in the city.

C: No children?”

A: No. Seems like my animals take up all my time.

C: Understandable. Animals can be like children.

A: Definitely. How old is your child?

C: She’s three.

A: That’s an awesome age

C: Very fun and energetic

A: My friends have children so I definitely imagine. Have you lived in the city long?

C: Just a few years. I was working at another college when the possibility of tenureship opened up at Columbia. Normally that can take years so I got lucky for the invite.

A: you work at Columbia University? That is awesome

C: I think the shock still hasn’t worn off. Kind of waiting for them to take it back at some point

A: Lol when I got the keys to my clinic, I felt the same way

C: Where’d you go to school?

A: Stanford for undergrad. University of California, Davis for veterinary school.

C: Pretty far from home, huh?

A:New York has always been the place for me. I always knew I’d end up here. You?

C: I’m from down south so that’s where my soft spot is. I did my undergrad and grad at Stanford though.

A: Wow talk about a small world. It is a large school so I’m not surprised we haven’t met unless we have.

C: Probably not, don’t remember many Annas there

A: True. How do you like being a professor?

C: It’s cooler than I thought it would be. My previous job had a little bit more excitement but after some personal issues then my divorce, I had had enough excitement to last a lifetime.

A: My divorce kind of knocked me off balance so I can understand wanting to start over

C: How long were you married?

A: Three years. You?

C: Same. Together?

A: Over ten years. You?

C: Same. Bad ending?

A: I really don’t know. It wasn’t the best situation but it wasn’t the worst. I think abrupt would be a better word. You?

C: I walked away. I wasn’t the best husband but I think we really outgrew each other.

A: That can happen. How old were you?

C: 35. You?

A: 34. A lot can change in over ten years

C: True. I don’t know if she knew that though

A: did you try to tell her?

C: Honestly no but that’s partly why I walked away. I wasn’t any good for her let alone for myself. I struggled a lot emotionally back then, I still do now sometimes. She didn’t need that weight in her life

A: Did she say that or did you make that decision for her?

C: Both.

A: Ah. I’m sorry

C: No need. She was better off without me anyway

A: you still think about her?

C: I try not to. It hurts. Failure sucks.

A: tell me about it. Have you seen her over the years?

C:No. We both moved away once we got divorced. Don’t really know where she went to be honest

A: Same. Some things are just better left alone, I guess

C: True.

A: You know Chris, this was fun. I was a little nervous about this online thing

C: Really? I’ve done it once or twice before. It’s not too bad if you take it for what it is

A: And that is?

C: Just a way to meet people. Doesn’t have to go further than a conversation unless you let it

A: That is very true.

C: If it’s agreeable to you. I’d love to talk to you again

A: I’d like that

C: Great. I guess, until next time

A: Have a good night

C: You as well

Robyn closed out of the app after reading Chris’s last message. They had a lot in common, a lot more than her ex-husband. She got a little nervous when he said his name was Chris but once he clarified that his full name was Christian, she could let out a breath. Her ex-husband’s name when shortened was Chris but his full name was Christopher. Christopher was a common name but she really didn't need that reminder of him too.

Chris dropped his phone onto his nightstand just as Anesa ran into his room. He laughed as she tried to climb onto his bed before leaning over to pick her up, “what’s the matter Love Bug?”

“Can I sleep in here with you?”

“Of course you can. Did something happen?”

“I had a bad dream.”

“Aww...I’m sorry, Love Bug. Come on, get under the covers.

Anesa climbed under the blankets as Chris turned off the lights. She cuddled onto his chest and Chris hugged her close, “Comfortable?”

“Yes. Goodnight Daddy.

“Goodnight Love Bug.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So….how was it?” Leandra asked as her and Robyn sat down for breakfast.

“It was a nice conversation. He seemed like a decent guy.”

“What’s his name?”

“Christian but people call him Chris.”

“You really have a thing for Chris’s, huh?”

“Don’t say that. Chris is just a common name.”

“It is but what a coincidence.”

“Yea.”

“So what does he do?”

“He teaches music at Columbia.”

“Nice. Educated. Kids?”

“A daughter.”

“Marital status?”

“Divorced like me.”

“Guess you can share horror stories.”

Robyn chuckled, “my marriage was a failure but not a horror story. Stop it.”

“Have you spoken to Chris?’

“Not since the divorce was final. Why?”

:Leandra shrugged.

“Le, what happened?”

“Nothing. I thought I saw somebody who looked like him the other day, that’s all.”

“Where? Here? In New York?”

“Yea.”

“Please don’t tell me we moved to the same state.”

“Robs, I don’t know if it was him. I just caught his profile. It could’ve been any cute light skin guy. They are running around here galore.”

“That’s true.”

“So about your new Chris?”

“What about him?”

“What’s the next move?”

“We agreed to talk again but nothing more than that. I’m still stuck in limbo, I’m not trying to make something out of nothing.

“I guess. Are you gonna meet him?”

“Nah. Some things are just better left alone, you know.”

“Not even if you really start to like him.”

“Doesn’t matter. I’m swearing off serious relationships until I fix my broken heart and I have no idea how long that’s gonna take.”

“You still love him, don’t you?”

“I don’t know but I don’t want to.”

“You were together a long time.”

“Yea and he still left me so what does that mean?”

Leandra sighed, “I don’t know. “

“Chris, who are you messaging so much?” Jessica, his sister, asked as she started stirring a pot of beans.

“I met this woman online. We’ve been talking for a few weeks.”

“Online dating? You sure that’s safe?”

“I don’t plan on meeting her so it’s not a huge deal. Just a conversation.”

“Few weeks is a long time for it to just be a conversation. You like her?”

“She seems really nice.”

“Glad you’re opening your heart up somehow.”

“I’m not opening anything up. I went down that road and have no qualms about avoiding it.”

“You know you walked away from your marriage, Chris. I don’t understand your apprehension with moving on.”

“I didn't walk away to move on. I walked away to keep from hurting her. Two different things. I’m not fit to be in a relationship, let alone a marriage. My daughter is the only woman I’m concerned about right now.”

“Anesa can’t be your whole life.”

“Who says?”

“I wish Momma was here to talk some sense into you.”

“Don’t do that, Jess.”

“What? She was the only person you listened to. Did you ever tell your ex what happened with Momma?”

“No.”

“You never took her to meet her?”

“It’s not like she was around. Auntie C raised me.”

“So when you left every weekend to see Momma in the hospital your ex never asked why?”

“She asked. I never answered.”

“Chris.”

“I don’t want to talk about it. It wasn’t for her to know. She didn’t need that kind of weight on her, ok?”

“You never gave her a chance to really love you, Chris.”

“Well that doesn’t really matter. She moved away and about her life. I did the same. No harm, no foul.”

“I wouldn’t quite say no harm, no foul but whatever.”

“Why are you doing this?”

“I don't want you to hurt this new woman because you’re still in love with your past, Chris.”

“I’m not in love with anyone so there’s nothing to be worried about.”

“And that worries me even more.”

#loveisblindfanfiction #chrianna

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cosmic-elementalist · 6 years

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0. The Fool

The Spirit of Ether

Creative Light

The root of Moral Responsability is Restriction, which is the Word of Sin. To regain Innocence is to regain Eden.

We must cast out Fear by Love; seeing that every Act is an orgasm. Love is the law; thus every act must be Righteousness and Truth. By certain Meditations this may be understood and established; and this ought to be done so thoroughly that we become unconscious of our Sanctification, for only then is innocence made perfect. This state is a necessary condition to the contemplation of the question "What is my True Will" for until we become innocent, we are certain to try to judge our Will from the outside, whereas True Will should spring, a fountain of Light, from within, and flow unchecked, seething with Love into the Ocean of Life.

Archetypes:

The condition which precedes creativity in all it's forms;

Creation Myths;

Silence;

Innocence as freedom from morality

Contradiction as Unity

Symbols:

0 = +1 -1: male and female; mother and father. Fertilized ovum is sexless. Identification of the Opposites.

Below the Abyss, contradiction is division; but above the Abyss, contradiction is Unity.

The "Green Man" of the Spring festival. "April Fool". The Holy Ghost: personification of the mysterious influence that produces the phenomena of spring.

The fool stirs within all of us the return of spring.

The Dove: bird of Venus (Isis, Mary) and symbol of the Holy Ghost (Phallus in most sublimated form)

When ideas so sublime become vulgarized they fail to exhibit the symbol with lucidity

Formula of the Tetragrammaton: (name of God) represents God producing Something from Nothing. God Himself is referred to as "Ain", which is Hebrew for "Not", or "Nothing".

The Yod represents the emanation of a general, all-encompassing spiritual Substance out of Divine Nothingness.

Second, the first Heh represents the definition of particular qualities within this general Substance.

Vav represents the separation and recombination of these qualities to form basic compounds and ideal Forms according to which material existence is ultimately manifested.

Manifestation itself is represented by the final Heh.

Crowley sees this pattern in traditions of succession of the King through his daughter and King by right of conquest. Tales which reflect this pattern: Beauty and the Beast, Cinderella, Enchanted Princess, and Aladdin. (Also biblical representation of the Holy Ghost, Mary the Virgin, The Son, and Mary Magdalena)

He is the All-Wandering Spirit, the Pure and Perfect Knight-Errant, who answers all Enigmas, and opens the closed Portal of the King's Daughter.

Ogdoad: Ancient Egyptian creation myth; system of eight dieties (four represented completeness). Each pair of male and female represents a greater whole unto itself:

Nun and Naunet; primeval waters (Nun, the sometimes hermaphroditic god of the waters, and Naunet the seldomly personified goddess of the sky above it)

Heh and Hauhet; eternity, infinity, unendingness, time (sometimes forces of chaos, possibly representing the currents of the primeval waters)

Kuk and Kuaket (sometimes Gereh and Gerehet); darkness

Amun and Amunet (later replaced by Nia and Niat); air, and that which is unseen, nothingness and invisibility, gods of the void

The gods were depicted with frog's heads, and the goddess' with serpent's.

These elements interacted to create the Isle of Flame

World was born from a cosmic egg, sometimes created by the Ogdoad, sometimes layed by one of the creation/sun gods in guise of a sacred bird. The egg was invisible as there was no light, and from this egg one of various sun gods is born. In some legends it is a lotus flower (represents Yoni), not an egg.

Sebek, the crocodile: creator god who rose from the "Dark Waters", or primeval waters of Nun. Layed eggs on the bank of the Nile (which he made from his sweat) to create the worlds.

Unprovided with the means of perpetuating his species, thus a symbol of the maximum of creative energy.

Considered an aspect of Horus (who turned into a crocodile to retrieve Osiris's body parts from the Nile), and yet it was told Sebek was present with Isis his birth.

Also worshipped as a manifestation of Amun-Re (headdress of Amun or solar disk of Ra). Carried Was septre (power) and Ankh (breath of life)

Hoor-Pa-Kraat: ( har-par-khered ) Horus the Child. Harpocrates is the God of Silence. In his manifestation, he is not One, but Two; he is only One because he is 0. Eheieh, his divine name, which signifies 'I Shall Be' is a way of saying he is not; One leads to nowhere, where it came from. There is as yet no more than the impulse, which is unformulated; only through interpretation does it become the Word (Atu I.) He is a babe, innocent and not yet arrived at puberty. It is dawn - the hint of light about to come, but not by any means that light.

The babe is in an egg of blue (celestial mother). This babe has, in a way, not yet been born. The egg sits upon a lotus (Yoni), which grows upon the Nile (father), which fertilizes Egypt (mother). But the Nile is also home to the crocodile, who threatens Harpocrates. (Dualist symbol of the crocodile).

Etimology: le mat from Italian Matto (madman or fool) or Mat for Maut, Ancient Egyptian vulture goddess.

Fool derived from 'follis' = wind bag.

Silly = empty from German 'selig' = holy.

Maut: Egyptians believed vultures to be nurturing; the word for mother and vulture are both Mwt. It was believed that there were no male griffon vultures, except sometimes Maut.

"Mut, Who Givith Birth, But Was Herself Not Born of Any"

Mut replaced Amun's earlier wife, Amunet (the invisible goddess) during the middle kingdom.

"Mother of the Sun in Whom He Rises"

When Amun merged with Ra, she became "Eye of Ra", daughter of Ra (Mother, Daughter, sometimes Father)

Spiral neck, spiral universe.

Represents the same ideas as Nuith.

Reproduces by intervention of wind.

The "Great Fool" of the Celts (Dalua): Salvation, whatever salvation means, is not to be obtained on any reasonable terms. Reason is damnation; only divine madness offers an issue.

A mad stranger as an angel in disguise.

A saviour is needed, and he must not be an ordinary man.

Preferably disguised in non human form.

"The Rich Fisherman" Percivale: Crowley's interpretation of Parsifal is intended to illustrate the sacred nature of sex. He makes a reference to the Gnosis of the ninth degree of the O.T.O., which he also makes painfully clear is a secret to those not initiated.

To redeem the whole situation, to destroy death, he has only to plunge the Lance into the Holy Grail; he redeems not only Kundry, but himself.

In Liber DCCXI Crowley writes: It may be undertaken for the direct object of continuing the race. It may be undertaken in obedience to real passion; for passion is inspired by a force of divine strength and beauty without the will of the individual, often even against it. It is the "idle" use, or rather abuse, of these forces which constitutes their profanation.

Zeus Arrhenothelus: Images of this god recure in alchemy. It is hardly possible to describe this lucidly; the idea pertains to a faculty of mind which is "above the abyss"; all two-headed eagles with symbols clustered over them indicate this idea. The original sense seems to be that the original God is both male and female.

Dionysus Zagreus. Bacchus Diphues: In this case it is convenient to treat them as one. Zagreus is the horned god, torn to pieces by the Titans. His father Zeus, and mother Demeter, made him fruit of the union of heaven and earth, and identifies him with Vau of the Tetragrammaton. Bacchus Diphues, characteristic of ecstatic worship, wine, surrounded by companions insane with enthusiasm. Born of the union between Semele and Zeus in the form of a lightning strike which destroyed the mortal woman. The boy was saved, and kept in Zeus' thigh (phallus) until puberty, and Hera drove the boy mad for her husband's infidelity.

He is depicted with a drunken face and languid penis which connects him to the myth of the crocodile.

He is depicted with the tiger leaping at him from behind, and the crocodile with it's mouth open, waiting in front. He is said to have ridden an ass, which connects him with Priapus, who is said to have been his son by Aphrodite.

Over time, worship of Bacchus (partially for being orgiastic) melded with that of the Fool. He came to be represented with a fool's cap, phallic in nature, and clad in motley (as were Jesus, and Joseph before him). This symbolism is not only Mercurial, but Zodiacal.

Hebrew Letter: Aleph (א), Ox, ploughshare. Attributed to the constellation Orion.

It is curious that at the fabled birth of Jesus, the Virgin Mother is represented between an Ox and an ass.

Baphomet: Bull god, or rather Bull-Slaying god, Mithras.

Crowley described Baphomet as a divine androgyne, representative of mystical perfection through a union of opposites.

The early christians were also accused of worshipping an ass or ass-headed god, and this again is connected with the wild ass of the wilderness, the god Set, identified with Saturn and Satan (Atu XV.) He is the South, as Nuit is the North.

The Fool is also an aspect of Pan, but this idea is developed by Atu XV, whose letter is the semi-vowel A'ain, cognate with Aleph.

N: the fish is a symbol of fatherhood, motherhood, of the perpetuation of life generally. The letter N (Nun, N, in Hebrew means fish) is one of the original hieroglyphs standing for this idea, apparently because of the mental reactions excited by the continual repetition of this letter (Atu XIII).

Divinatory Interpretations:

In spiritual matters; idea, thought, spirituality, that which endeavours to transcend earth.

In material matters, it may, if badly dignified, mean folly, eccentricity, or even mania.

The essential of this card is that it represents an original, subtle, sudden impulse or impact, coming from a completely strange quarter.

All such impulses are right, if rightly received; and the good or ill interpretation of the card depends entirely on the right attitude of the Querent

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swordwhale · 4 years

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Stardate: 2020.04.12

It is, according to the traditions of my Lutheran ancestors, Easter Morning. That’s the river I grew up on, with new Easter outfits in pastel colors (I loathe pastels), big baskets of chocolate (the Gift of the Goddess), Lutheran voices lifted in a kind of solemn dirge, and Sunday services about resurrection and redemption and Life reinventing itself in the form of a guy named Jesus. He had some things to teach humans, a lot of it seems to have been misinterpreted or forgotten. But that’s a discussion for another time.

I’ve paddled, sailed and swum many other rivers since. They all lead to the sea.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Fyrdraca under sail on the 6 day voyage

Sae Hrafn under full sail

when you need a smaller boat

This year, we are in the midst of the latest Plague. Anybody remember the Spanish Flu of 1918? The Black Plague of the Middle Ages? The Serum Run of 1925? I knew a lady who survived the Polio epidemic. And met folks suffering through aids. Humans survived all those, enough of us to explode our population again and wreak some more havoc on our ecosystem.

We”ll probably survive it again, hopefully a bit wiser.

Meanwhile, the birds are singing, my cat is in the window singing the ek-ek-ek song at the birbs, the forsythias and daffodowndillies are doing their yellow fireworks, and some fifty foot tall thing is flowering… cough…snort….sneeze. The grass is green enough the ponies are ignoring the hay stuffed into slow feed hay bags and chomping off the quarter inch of new green they can get their teeth on.

My paddocks are set up for ponies, who cannot be on lush grass without foundering or colicking. They are annoyed. But healthy. I heard spring peepers over my friend’s phone (peeper frogs love swamps, I don’t have any, I do have tree frogs). The hawks and owls are busy trying to catch new spring bunnies.

Shuri

Toothless on the banks of the Sassafras River MD

Nightcrawler and Shuri

chickory

Bunnies. I got bunnies. Lots of bunnies. The Eastern Cottontail is native, but the Easter Bunny apparently came here with my German ancestors, in the 1700s. They had a tradition of an egg laying hare called Osterhase or Oster Haws. Kids made nests in which the bunny could lay its colored eggs.

The origin of the Easter Bunny as symbol of spring (and hence, Easter) lies far in the pre-Christian past of Europe. “One theory is that the symbol of the rabbit stems from pagan tradition, specifically the festival of Eostre…a goddess of fertility whose animal symbol was a bunny. Rabbits, known for their energetic breeding, have traditionally symbolized fertility.”

In Christian tradition, Easter is about resurrection. The rabbit “resurrects” its life by reproducing yet more rabbits… the base of the food chain… thus giving life to all in the spring. In PA, Great Horned Owls are sitting on the nest while it is still cold and snowy. The young owls hit the ground at the same time the first new rabbits are emerging, ensuring better survival.

A hare and a rabbit are two different things. Related, but different. As different as sheep and goats. They are both mammals (class) of the order Lagomorpha of the family Leporidae. You can remember the taxonomy, without King Philip, by repeating Krabby Patties Cook On Fry Grills Spongebob. Kingdom, Phylum, Class, Order, Family, Genus, Species.

There is also: Kangaroos Paddling Canoes On Fairly Gentle Streams.

After the Fried bit (Leporidae) hares and rabbits diverge into different genuses and species. The main bits to know are: rabbits (like pet rabbits and the Eastern Cottontails in my yard) are born blind and naked in a nest or burrow… the Eastern Cottontail is unique in its use of a shallow bowl rather than an underground burrow… has short ears, is compact and cuddly (don’t, they die easily of shock), social. Hares are longer, leggier, have bigger ears, and do not burrow. Their “leverets” pretty much hit the ground running, like a foal: born with all their fur and ready to go. “Hare-brained” and “mad as a March hare” refer to the hare’s lightning quick reflexes and speed… necessary for a prey item living in the open. The western jackrabbit is a hare. It’s so large that it gave rise to its own myth, the jackalope: “around here the hares are so big they mate with antelope”.

When I was a kid, every store had chicks, dyed in bright colors, to sell individually as pets. The ones that survived chickhood (several of mine did not, ugh) grew up to be chickens, a useful birb, but often ended up at a relative’s farm, or on the table.

Nowadays Tractor Supply has a rule that you have to buy a certain number. No chicks as pets. You must be a real farmer. Good rule, chickens aren’t that hard to raise, but you do need to have a clue. And dyeing them was never a good idea. My cousin just got some…

Cous: “I’ll take 20…”

TSC Guy: “ if you take all 40 I’ll give you a price break”…

They now have 40 chicks. Most will make it to egg laying status. The excess roosters will become fried chicken. That’s the thing. You often buy them in lots, unsexed. You have no idea if hens or roosters. Roosters do not lay eggs. The point here is egg layers. Poor roosters. I remember my Grandpa’s farm, it was terrifying to go “out back” because of the mean roosters. Even my friend with her own farm carried a big stick to do kung fu blocks on exuberant Foghorn Leghorns. Roosters are, however, one of the most gorgeous birds on the planet. The colors and flowing feathers rival any parrot or bird of paradise. Hei Hei, in Disney’s Moana, represented on of the finer aspects of the chicken: its portability. Even the Polynesians, the most fantastic navigators and explorers the planet has ever seen, carried chickens across the vast reaches of the Pacific Ocean.

Eggs… I adore eggs. My relatives made red beet eggs: red beets, vinegar, sugar, some cooking. The result is a brilliant purpley red egg, red all the way to the yolk, with a sharp, sweet flavor. I modified the recipe for simplicity: red wine vinegar or apple cider vinegar, a can of beets with juice, pour into quart mason jar, drop in hard boiled eggs. In 3 days perfect eggs.

There are also Church Lady Eggs. In March, Church Ladies from all over bake chocolate and peanut butter or chocolate and coconut eggs. They are usually the size of a real chicken egg, and far better than commercially made chocolate. Despite the Plague, local stores, like Ace Hardware, had boxes of them!

Meanwhile, the night before Easter, all through the barnyard, not a creature was stirring, not even a…

wait, is that a late evening bunbun?

A small quick bit of shadowy motion, darting out from under the hay shed, to where Goliath had dribbled some of his feed. Nibble nibble, dart, duck…

The motion was not lagomorphic. It was not bun bunish. It was low and flowy.

Oh hey, there’s my Rat.

The Rat had left calling cards on the hay bales in the shed weeks back. Living under my hay, shed, fine. We are out here, not in the house, the feed bins are secured and made of metal. Pooping on my hay bales is Not Cool though, so I bought a rat sized trap. I never deployed it.

Now Le Rat is zooming around on Easter Eve, cleaning up Golli’s leftovers. I had pet rats in the past, they are smart, social, interesting critters. They have a complicated history with humans. They carried Plague fleas. They raided food stores. They became food. In the wild, they are an important part of the ecosystem like all creatures. I have round bale now. Less opportunity for pooping upon.

Do I set my trap?

Do I end a life that’s just trying to thrive?

Is it doing me harm?

I watched Rat trundle in and out from under the shed and snatch bits of Golli’s leftovers, cleaning up the mess. A small life just making its way like the rest of us.

Carry on little fur beast.

Let this be a new start for all of us.

The Power of Hope: DO this at home…

At the UU online service this am, Matt did a neat science experiment. A sunken carrot in a glass of water. It sinks. Add “hope”… a teaspoon of salt. Stir. It rises slightly then sinks.

Add more salt. Rise… sink… but slower.

Add more hope/salt.

A bit more. Stir. The carrot slowly rises… and floats.

Hope floats.

The Easter Rat, Church Lady Eggs and other wonders Stardate: 2020.04.12 It is, according to the traditions of my Lutheran ancestors, Easter Morning. That's the river I grew up on, with new Easter outfits in pastel colors (I loathe pastels), big baskets of chocolate (the Gift of the Goddess), Lutheran voices lifted in a kind of solemn dirge, and Sunday services about resurrection and redemption and Life reinventing itself in the form of a guy named Jesus.

#bunnies #cat #chickens #chicks #easter #eggs #hare #hope #hope floats #Lutherans #meditations #pony #rabbits #spring #Unitarian Universalists #UU

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katiemcveighaub · 4 years

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COCKNEY DIALECT AND SLANG

Fowler, J. (1984) Cockney Dialect and Slang. Ouachita Baptist University.

Origins:

The word "Cockney" originally meant someone born and spending all his or her life in London, England, traditionally within the sound of Bow Bells; in other words, within about a quarter of a mile of the Church of St. Mary-le-Bow in Cheapside of east central London and not far from London Bridge. However, today this definition is not literally true because the district surrounding the church is not residential as it was before. Many Cockneys can now be found in scattered neighborhoods of London, therefore there is no longer a strict geographical boundary of Cockney residency.

the etymology of the term "cockney" is from Middle England "cokeney," which means "cock's egg" Originally it meant a small odd misshapen egg and was probably a synonym for 'anything odd. It became a term of reproach and ridicule, meaning an effeminate silly person, probably first used by villagers living near the capitol to describe the Londoners they met. Even Chaucer, in his prologue to the Reeve's.

"Cockney" is now used rather vaguely for speech of the London area, and is generally applied to lower class speech.

At the summit of older Cockney writers stands Charles Dickens , who enjoyed tramping miles through London to gather the language and the atmosphere. Because of the many years spent reporting in the House of Commons and his untiring efforts to listen to and question people first hand, Dickens' command of the Cockney idiom was certain.

The characteristic vocabulary of the Cockney is said to be slang, which consists of words used in a joking, rather flippant way.

Oxford English Dictionary defines slang as "language of a highly colloquial type, considered as below the level of standard educated speech, and consisting either of new words or of current words employed *in some special sense"

The origins of the word slang come from the Anglo-Saxon verb "slingan" meaning "to creep, wind, or twist" with a past tense "slang".

People do not have to know etymologies to be able to speak a language fluently.

A dialect continues to live so long as the community speaking it possesses a cohesiveness and a sense of tradition. These qualities Cockney does have, and thus it appears that , although like all British city dialects Cockney will be further modified by Standard English ,varieties of Cockney are here to stay.

Grammar:

The Cockney is often accused of having no grammar. What is meant is that the speaker's grammar disobeys the rules of Standard English, because every language and every dialect must have its grammar in order to link words and ideas.

Word order is vital to Cockney grammar. Indeed word order is more important in English as a whole than it is in tone languages such as Chinese or German which depend a great deal on inflections.

Often, words are omitted; for example , "Out (Put out) that light!"

there is a crude side to cockney- using swear words like "bleedin", "blinkin” and "flamin”

Bloody is used - a shortened version of the old Christian oath , "By our lady:"

Rhyming

The most proficient and witty of Cockney grammatical devices is that of rhyming slang , to which much of this study has been devoted.

EXAMPLE of rhyming slang: 'ullo Fred. Come in awf of de frog ~11 toad (road) an' 'ave a cuppa Rosie (cup of tea). It's on de Cain an' Abel (table). But wipe yer plntes 0 1 meat (feet) ' cos de ol ' trouble an' strife(wife) ' s just scrubbed de Rosy O' More (floor). She's up de apples an ' pears (upstairs) 'avin ' a bo-peep (sleep). Get into thatlion's lair (chair) and let's chew the fat (have a chat).

This elaborate system of oblique references by means of rhymes seems to have started in the period 1800-1850 and was becoming strongly established by 1851

Experts as well as the general public of London maintain ci1at rhyming slang arose from the secret language of thieves and was then studied by the police. Another suggested origin is that rhyming slang began from gangsof Cockney navvies who were employed to build railroads anti canals in the period from 1800 to 1850. Rhyming slang was allegedly used by them to confuse rival Irish construction gangs.

The best type of rhyming slang combines a rhyme with an appropriate or provocative social description.

Now cores a curious problem. Since "mince pies" are eyes, what are mince pies? If "pig's ear" is what a Cockney chooses to call beer,.what does he call a real pig's ear? The solution is that mince pies and, without a doubt, pig's ear have to be referred to so rarely that, while someone is feeling extraordinarily witty, he can safely be given his usual name.

When two Cockneys are conversing, using an entire rhyme is amatter of offense, and the Cockney listener considers the use of full forms as a means of talking down to him. Full rhyming slang, however, seems to be preferred when the speaker wants to stress what is being said. Shortened rhyming slang is no new development.

Place-names have also performed a new linguistic task in rhyming slang and have produced such examples as "Botany Bay"--hit the hay.

Companies and department stores incorporated into rhyming slang include "Army and Navy"--gravy, "Harvey Nickol"--pickle

Translations

‘ave a beef - engage in an argument

‘in de snore’ - asleep

‘coffin nails’ - cigarettes

‘give ‘em de ol’ G’ - tell them a lie

‘go west / snuff it / kick the daisies’ - to die

Rhymes

‘a Harry Randle’- candle (naming a 1900 music hall comedian)

‘Charles James Fox’ - theatre box (British politician)

Artful dodger - lodger

Trouble and strife - wife

Pipe your eye - cry

Days-a-dawning - morning

Gay and frisky - whiskey

elephant's trunk - drunk

dig in the grave - shave

porky pies- lies

ones and twos- shoes

twist and twirl - girl

apple and pairs- stairs

fiddle and flute- suit

bottle and glass- arse

ice cream freezer - geezer

https://scholarlycommons.obu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1192&context=honors_theses

#research #FMP

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singloom · 6 years

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South Park 2017 Advent Calendar ~ Day 5 HONOURABLE MENTION *SPOILERS*

Every five days during my South Park Advent Calendar, I will do little honourable mention lists for extra special stuff outside of the Episode Countdown. Today will be 10 Characters I Want To See Return To The Show. They have to be alive (sadly, no Pip) AND have not had a talking role in at least two Seasons. Doesn't matter if they have a slim chance in returning or not. Here we go.

10 Characters I Want To See Return To South Park

1. JESUS

First Seen: "The Spirit of Christmas: Jesus vs Frosty" Last Seen: "A Scause For Applause" (Season 16)

Founder of Christianity and member of Super Best Friends, Jesus made regular appearances in the early days of South Park, from the pilot special where he fought Frosty the Snowman to various episodes like "Damien, Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride, The Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka, Mr Hanky's Christmas Classics," and "Are You There, God? It's Me, Jesus." As the seasons rolled on, he was seen less frequently, though his more prominent roles were in "Super Best Friends" (S5,) "Red Sleigh Down" (S6,) "Fantastic Easter Special" (S11,) and the "200/201" two-parter. His last two appearances in Season 16 ~ "Butterballs" and "A Scause For Applause" ~ were a little more negative and even mean spirited, so it would be nice, given all the hysteria and confusion in later storylines, for a voice of reason from the past to return to help out. His positivity and generally chill attitude makes for a calming presence when things get bad. Jesus returns in The Fractured But Whole to bless you no matter what you believe in, so let's get that cool Jesus back, please? You have to wonder, though, is Jesus n' Pals still running or is Jesus a Full-Time SBF?

2. BOOK MOBILE DRIVER

First and Last Seen: "Chickenlover" (Season 2)

As a book lover and library assistant, I honestly liked the Book Mobile Driver from Season 2's "Chickenlover." I'm aware that drawing younger readers in to embracing "the magic of reading" is very difficult. Many kids do love their local libraries, something that warms my heart, and the honesty of the South Park boys in this episode, that reading is dumb and boring? It's not a bad thing because it reflects societal issues and what turns away some kids from this pursuit. I still get a giggle out the way the Book Mobile Driver presents himself to the children in this episode because I get it. I get that magic of reading because it's something I love and feel very passionate about. The chicken "loving" thing? Not so much. Libraries do not condone Chickenlover and his chicken loving ways. Definitely not. (South Park really does make me say the darnedest things.) His encouragement towards getting Barbrady to take up reading is endearing and positive, even if the way he goes about it is less than ideal. *sigh* There's really two problems with the Book Mobile Driver returning. The first is that it's never really confirmed whether Chickenlover is still alive or not. Some fans believe the nightstick blow to the head from Officer Barbrady actually killed him at the end of the episode, whereas others propose he's still alive, just knocked out. In fact, there's a very similar looking character seen in "Cartoon Wars, Part 1" running across the Community Centre, albeit with a slight difference to hairstyle. Could this be a released Book Mobile Driver, starting a new life? Secondly, his criminal record. The people of South Park will remember what he did, which would get in the way of any potential story line surrounding the role books, libraries and bookstores play in today's society. Unless we get a similar character in a literacy promoting role? A shame since that's something I would like to see.

3. THE COTSWOLDS

First Seen: "Hooked On Monkey Fonics" (S3) Last Seen: "Hooked On Monkey Fonics" (Rebecca) / "Imaginationland" (Mark)

Bless this Episode for giving us the Cotswolds. Two home-schooled siblings take part in a Spelling Bee with the South Park elementary students, not only winning, but Mark in particular becomes curious of public school, begging his parents to attend and "be like other kids." His sister, Rebecca, a Spelling Champion with the cutest mannerisms, still prefers her life the way it is...until Kyle encourages her, hoping to take her to the school dance. Aside from the way Rebecca is treated in the later stages of the episode, with some rather unfortunate shaming implications, this was a sweet little episode that made me hope the two would return in the future. Unfortunately, Rebecca has never been seen again since her debut and her brother Mark has been seen on at least three other occasions as a background character ("Professor Chaos" as a potential Fourth Friend," "The Death Camp of Tolerance" and even as late as Season 11 in "Imaginationland" at Cartman's party.) Perhaps Mark stayed on at public school like he said, while Rebecca returned to Homeschooling. We can only wish.

4. NURSE GOODLY

First Seen: "Cartman's Mom is Still a Dirty Sl*t" (S2)

When South Park nurses come to mind, the first one that fans may recall is Nurse Gollum, but there is one other that appeared early on that caught my attention and I would love to see again. Nurse Goodly, a nurse at Hells Pass Hospital. One of few red-haired characters in South Park (Red Heads represent,) she works hard at her job and offers support to the boys during the blizzard when things take a turn for the worst. Outside of her first appearance, Nurse Goodly also performs her duties in South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut (with prosthetic arms) and during a dream sequence in "Cartman Joins NAMBLA." For the short time she appears in the show, I really thought she was Boss in her profession and it would be nice to see her return.

5. BRADLEY

First and Last Seen: "Cartman Sucks" (S11)

For the second time on this list, bless this soul. Bradley was Butters' "Acountibilibuddy" at Camp New Grace in "Cartman Sucks." In a camp dedicated to "praying the gay away," this poor boy is tormented, told his thoughts and curiosity about other boys is unnatural and wrong. The pressure is too much and he attempts to take his own life, only to be slowly talked back down by Butters. Sweetly enough, Bradley is seen in the Season 17 opening, fishing off a bridge, but it would be nice to catch up with him and see if him and Butters kept in touch after they left camp.

6. CHEF'S PARENTS ~ THOMAS AND NELLE MCELROY

First Seen: "The Succubus" (S3) Last Seen: "Red Sleigh Down" (S6)

Do I really have to spell out why I love these two? Really? Okay. They live in Scotland (Scotland represent) and their stories about the Loch Ness Monster hounding them for money is the absolute best. It's another one of those Early Day South Park memories I have, but it makes them all the more memorable. They seemed like a sweet married couple, returning in "The Biggest Douche in the Universe" to help out Cartman. Mr and Mrs McElroy are last seen in "Red Sleigh Down" back in Season 6, but are strangely absent at Chef's funeral later. Perhaps with Chef's absence from the show, they are very unlikely to return, but it would be nice to hear one of those Loch Ness stories again. This Scottish fan would love that.

7. MICKEY MOUSE

First Appearance: "Imaginationland" (Season 11) ~ Uncut DVD version Last Appearance: "Obama Wins!" (S16)

Yes, we're talking THAT Mickey Mouse. Anyone ever talked a little like Mickey, but said stuff that the Keyblade Master King would NEVER say? That's South Park Mickey for you. As the real head of Disney, Mr Mouse markets the boy band, the Jonas Brothers, to little girls, pushing the hot boy band angle with all the sexiness you'd expect, but get the band to promote Purity Rings so they don't get caught doing it and face a PR disaster. That make sense? Okay. Listening to the voice of Mickey saying all this kind of stuff, anything that isn't U rated, is always going to sound hilarious and him being the Big Bad is just funny stuff all around. He remains on the dark side in the two parter "200/201" as well as "Obama Wins!", still being money hungry and foul mouthed as ever. Can we get him back, please?

8. THOMAS

First and Last Seen: "Le Petit Tourette" (Season 11)

What is it with these one-shot characters? In "Le Petit Tourette," Thomas is a boy who lives with Tourette's Syndrome, mortified every time he is in public because he feels he embarrasses himself and his mother. He was the heart of this episode, showing that for someone like Cartman who fakes having the condition only to blurt out obscenities without punishment, seeing it as a "Golden Ticket," there are people out there who struggle with the condition, who face ridicule and hardships every day. Thomas, in particular, opens up to Kyle about his life, that he fears going out in public, considers himself the cause of his parents separating and that he feels his mother would be happier without him. It is this emotional core to the episode that gives it something a little extra, which is why Thomas ~ for me ~ is a fondly remembered character, and one I would love to see return. Perhaps Thomas and Craig did hang out once or twice and stay friends? Maybe Kyle still talks to him after the episode's end?

9. THE MOLE

First Seen: "South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut" Last Seen: "Two Guys Naked In A Hot Tub" (S3)

How shameful to admit I almost forgot about Christophe. I was close to putting Corey from "Informative Murder Porn" on the list, a similar character with a secret agenda, when I remembered the Golden Rule of the Movie. Everyone that died came back. Thus, everyone's favourite undercover, cursing Mole enters. With a heavy French accent, Christophe ~ aka "The Mole" ~ assists the boys in sneaking into the USO show to rescue Terrance and Phillip, only for things to go horribly wrong. For the short time he graces our screens, he made an impression, one that still lasts. He got a sneaky cameo in Season 3's "Two Guys Naked In A Hot Tub," reminding us he's still around, so maybe he's long overdue another cameo or three?

10. DAMIEN THORN

First Seen: "Damien" (Season 1) Last Seen: "Oh, Jeez" (Season 20) / Last Talking Role ~ The Stick of Truth"

Wow. This takes me back. Though Damien is seen as late as Season 20 ("Oh, Jeez,") his last talking role to memory seems to be in The Stick Of Truth if the New Kid finds him in the Cinema. Other than being an unlockable character in South Park Rally, Damien is only heard in his first ever episode, "Damien" in Season 1. The Son Of Satan is seen in the background often and was even a potential candidate to be the Fourth Friend to replace Kenny in Season 6, though he lost to Tweek. Maybe it's the nostalgia talking, but it's another fondly remembered episode from the early days, whether it's the high-pitched voice cursing eternal damnation that Matt Stone gives him or that ominous chanting, he's someone I always hoped would get another chance to shine, even if in a minor role. Sadly, with Pip gone, he will have to try and find new friends again. Maybe a new episode with Damien and Satan, life as father and son? Try not to turn your new friends into fireworks?

Hope you liked my list. Who would you like to see return to South Park?

#south park #advent calendar

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humeresque · 7 years

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Les Pinois: Trying-Hard French

(Being Filipino means trying hard to be French.)

You kneaux, in Maurice Arcache's "Cosmo Manille" and even among those on the other side of the railroad tracks, so many people are trying so hard to be French that trying so hard to be French has become an entire industry. We don't notice how much it's been thriving for years, but it's out there.

I guess everything started when the French Baker set up shop and introduced the masses to such panaderya alternatives as baguette and croissant. Le French Baker, owned by Filipino-Chinese Johnlu Koa, is still alive and well today despite strong competition from Le Couer de France and Delifrance. Le trick seems to be to insert "France" or "French" in the establishment's name, and ooh-la-la, the essence of cafe au lait and macaroni au gratin is captured in the tropical heat and humidity of La Manille.

Of course, years before French Baker, we were already fairly familiar with French parfums like Estee Lauder eau de cologne pour homme, French wines (Pinot Noirs, Merlots, and whatnot), and other things French and prefixed with French (bouillabaise, French braid, French kiss, French fries). There too was the popular TV animation character Pepe La Pew, who exuded those notable twin French excesses: romanticism and narcissism. Many of us instantly fell in love with his cursed self. But it was when the pan de sal in our lowly breakfast tables was replaced with garlic toast made from baguette that our French citizenship was confirmed, stamped with mainstream approval.

Next came the invasion of the French films. Le inventeurs of film-making -- descendants of the Lumieres -- treated us for free to watch le classics, from the snooty Cocteaus, Godards, and Truffauts, to the Luc Bessons starring Jean Reno.

Soon, full-blown French bistros and fine-dining restos became too numerous to name, starting from Au Bon Vivant to Le Souffle to any establishment you could name that is suffixed with -ette, -eau, -eaus, -eaux, and -oix and -ois. (Famed expat chef Billy King is now with Le French Corner in Alabang.) Of course, Pinois (enunciated with a flourish as /pin-wah'/) have to out-French the French, no?

Foreign language students next began flocking to Alliance Francaise to enroll in French classes to complete their false identity. I know of many friends and acquaintances who were not ashamed to proclaim they wanted to be French, or at least take up French lessons. There was Rica, who made me aware that Alliance Francaise used to be a stone's throw away from our office near Buendia cor. Pasong Tamo in Makati. There's Cathy who taught me how to pronounce "croissant" right but ended up French-kissing a true-to-life Frenchman instead. There's JJ who, getting tired of Spanish, is now switching to this other Romance lingo that sounds like he has a cleft palate and le UFO got lodged somewhere in his nostrils. I am also reminded of Net, who prefers to spell 'omelet' 'omelette' and pronounce it as /o-me-lay/, with much Gallic flourish.

Le thinkers or intellectuals among these Pinois are especially notorious in wanting to be Frenchified. Most of them have memorized the libretto to the musical play version of Victor Hugo's Les Miserables. (JJ corrects me superciliously, "It should be Le Misera'-bl, not Le Miserab'.") These Francophiles know their Renoirs, Monets, and Matisses (impressionist painters), Jacques Derrida (deconstructivist philosopher), Roland Barthes (literary theorist), Voltaire (satirical novelist), Camus (absurdist, existentialist), Michel Foucault (structuralist, postructuralist, postmodernist philosopher), Jacques Lacan (psychiatrist, psychoanalyst, philosopher), and Jean Baudrillard (sociologist, philosopher, cultural theorist, political commentator, photographer). They would also be not embarrassed to admit they know Alexandre Dumas (of Le Musketeers un le Menage a Trois fame), if push comes to shove.

Ask Pinoi tourists which place they want to visit the most, and they'll most likely say neither Holy Land nor New York, but "Gay Paree!," rattling off in a beat the sites they want to see: Eiffel Tower, Champs-Elysee, Arc du Triompe, and Louvre Museum for a view of le Mona Lisa...

Today, even building names and addresses are given the de-luxe spa treatment. I know a condo in Pasig called Parc Chateau. Parc Chateau? Am I in Nice or what? However, that one along EDSA near Guadalupe, called Parc Haus Suites, looks confused. Is Parc really the French version of Park, as in Marc as the French version of Mark, or should it be Parque? I dunno, but I'm pretty sure "Haus" is German, not French.

Curiously, we've long had, in fact, an entire booklet of lowbrow Pinoy French jokes meant to poke pun at this Filipino fondness for the French. I have heard people point out that "le quod" is French for "likod" ("back"), "le bag" is French for "libag" ("skin grime"), and "icé beau coup pour salé" is French Tagalog for "ice buko for sale." Of course, we know when to command the use of certain diacritical marks (the graves, the acutes, and the tildes) for this purpose. "Icé" is pronounced /ee-say'/ and "salé" is pronounced /sa-lay'/, and who cares what the real French people think?

The French being predominantly Catholic like le Pinois, it's small wonder that devotions to Thérèse of Lisieux, Lourdes, and the Miraculous Medal are commonplace too. Never mind that most of us still tend to say /Lur'-des/ instead of /Lurds/. A vestige of our Spanish trauma, surely.

Lately, our familiarity with the French beyond Jacques Costeau and Marie Antoinette and the guillotine is such that we have become intimately familiar with the finer points of French cuisine. We know what ratatouille is, we know that Alain Ducasse and Emeril Lagasse are celebrity chefs, we welcome Anthony Bourdain into our kichen with open arms and anxiously await his Guide Michelin stars. To demonstrate je ne sais quois or insouciance, we like to be served aperitifs, crepes, creme brullees, canapes, hors d'ouevres, nicoise salad, macarons, mousse, eclair, amuse bouche, pain and poisson, quiche, fondue, cakes with fondant and ganache, souffle, and lapu-lapu Meuniere, with bottled Evian or Perrier on the side. (After some time, it can get so tiresome putting in all the correct diacritical marks, don't you think?)

It has come to a point where we can't tell anymore whether Le Froge jeans, Le Tigre shirts, and Penshoppe tees are already Pinoi or as French as, say, Lacoste, Pierre Cardin, Coco Chanel, Christian Dior, Hermes, Jean-Paul Gaultier, Louis Vuitton, Yves Saint Laurent, and Francois Marithe Girbaud. And, yeah, I almost forgot Ungaro, the sine qua non of haute couture or something!

I have observed, furthermore, that the Ilocanos, for one, are really French behind their facade of burnt skin and tobacco smoke. Why? Simply because of this incontrovertible proof: the French word "quoi" (French for ‘what’) is no different from the usual Ilocano sound of hesitation, "cua." "Awan ti cua…" and "Anya ti cua…" suspiciously sound too much like "je ne sais quoi," oui? We do know too that the French people are passionate about their food to the point of being extreme. Being a gourmet to them means being able to slurp with relish such exotic concoctions as escargot -- much like the frog-inhaling and cricket-snorting Pampangos do. What other cultures regard as vile -- animal kidney, liver, entrails, perhaps even lungs and pancreas, the Ilocanos, not to mention the Pampangos, sautee with such pride and esprit de corps. Some French fine-diners like to feast on a certain bird in the wild called ortolan bunting, and the dish has to be eaten up with a blanket covering the diner’s entire head to savor the delicate flavor most fully. Most likely it’s an aliquot of subtle gamey flavor they’re trying to trap with surgical care and precision. That bizzarezerie -- a formal dinner among cloaked ghouls -- may be a turnoff to other people, but certainly not to confirmed epicures like certain Pinois.

If you think about it, the Pinois' fascination for the French dates back to how many centuries ago. Remember how the menu for the feast during the first inauguration of Philippine Independence in Barasoain Church, Malolos, Bulacan, was in French? Les menu, according to history professor of the day Monsieur Ambeth Ocampo (in his column in Le Philippine Daily Inquirer) comprised of: “Hors d’Oeuvre: Huitres, Crevettes roses; beurre radis; olives; Saucisson de Lyon; Sardines aux tomates; Saumon Hollandaise. [Entrees] Coquille de crabes; Vol auvent a la financiere; Abatis de poulet a la Tagale; Cotelettes de mouton a la papillote, pommes de terre paille; Dinde truffee a la Manilloise; Filet a la Chateubriand, haricots verts; jambon froid-asperges en branche. Dessert:Fromages; Fruits; Confitures; gele de Fraises; Glaces. Vins: Bordeaux, Sauterne, Xeres; Champagne. Liquers: Chartreuse; Cognac. Café, The.”

Ocampo further notes: “Hidden underneath the fancy French names are familiar Filipino dishes: Coquille de crabes was possibly torta de cangrejo a.k.a rellenong alimasag. Tagalog-style chicken giblets listed as Poulet abatis a la Tagale was chicken adobo.”

Turns out French was the lingua franca at the time, neither Spanish nor English. Unthinkable, right? But the antecedent Pinois didn't have a problem with that as neither us, latter-day Pinois, will have any problem with a French Renaissance any moment.

Food critic Doreen Fernandez, in her essay "Beyond Sans Rival: Exploring the French Influence on Philippine Gastronomy" (from the author's 1994 book Tikim: Essays on Philippine Food and Culture), also notes that a French cookbook was published in 1919 in Manila. Elaborately titled, as expected, the cookbook, Fernandez writes, has a cover page that "features a tall mounted French piece like those in traditional classic French cookbooks, captioned: Croquemboucheng caranuian. The word croquembouche (croque-en-bouche) designates 'all kinds of patisserie which crunches and crumbles in the mouth,' like chestnuts, oranges or cream puffs glazed with sugar cooked to the crack stage. The (illustrated) recipe instructs one in the assembling of croquignoles (egg whites and icing sugar baked in various shapes, similar to meringues), and is called 'caranuian' or ordinary, in contrast to Croquembouche a la Reina, which includes 'sweet almonds ground very fine.'"

Croquemboucheng caranuian? That's hilarious! Isn't that, wait, Hispanized-Tagalized French? Only the Pinoi can be trusted to do that.

Why do Pinois love the French so much that they are ready to trade passports any minute? My own answer is: they are apparently after the panache, the joie de vivre, the European sophistication and the fine taste and the high-mindedness of it all, a drastic move away from the native hickery and Hollywood vulgarity. But we already have the Spanish with us, so what do the French have that the Spaniards don't? They are both lustful for life, for sure, but maybe there's something charming about using consonants you don't plan to pronounce or vowels that mislead.

Does everything have to be explained away anyway? Let us just call the X-factor "Le French mystique" then, a big 'mistake' for which we are more than willing to be recolonized.

#philippines #satire

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