#keeping codependency stuff in mind is smart too. it’d likely be for the best if her support network grew :)

[butchmartyr]

Hi! I'm getting married (soonish, we haven't set a date yet) to a transfemme who is early in their transition. I met them when they were 18 and j a depressed anxious socially awkward nerd and over the past like ~year I've watched them blossom into themself (it's magical). But as a tme person sometimes i feel like I'm not fit to be the main person supporting them during this journey, bc they don't have any irl tgirl/transfem friends.

Do you have any suggestions? I'm always trying to learn more about transmisogyny. I took them to get an affirming haircut by a woman I met on Lex, I help with makeup. I've been trying to help them make friends bc they still do have like, a diagnosed social phobia lol. I think it'd be good if I WASNT the main support for this stuff in many ways. And they are like 10x as confident now that they present more authentically, but it's a process. And idk. I know them rly well and love them a lot but I worry sometimes that I'm somehow hurting them or doing the wrong thing.

I know I can't do everything for them (codependency lol) but I want to be the best partner I can be. I'm always asking what they want but sometimes it's like, j figuring out as we go bc it's all new. So what would YOU want from a tme partner ig? How do you assume I could be helpful, better, etc?

Feel free not to respond if this is too much. I don't mean to be putting too much on you. I'm just trying to treat my fiance better and better each day (failing sometimes).

hello and congrats!!! first off this is so touching and aaaa. my god. anyway.

it sounds like you’re really on the right track for sure :) friends are extremely important especially for ppl in minority groups that make socializing harder, so trying to help to her get out of her shell and get to know other people is certainly a great idea; both because she deserves having something of a social group, and because like you say, trans friends can be really critical. i can’t speak with authority since I don’t know you & your situation, but it could definitely help with supporting her and whatnot; i value my transfem friends irl a lot and they’re wonderful with buoying my transition. im not sure id say you’re ‘not fit’ for it unless you dont want to be, since there’s a lot of ways to support and be there for someone’s transition. my femme is tme and she has been wonderful with my transition and helping me explore different gender stuff by helping me with womens clothes, sometimes a little makeup, and her support when im mixing things up with my presentation. she’s happy to change and play with her vocab too; when i realized i like being called pretty from time to time now she works it into when she’s teasing me or being sweet, things like that.

as far as other things id want to see in a tme partner, the willingness to look at transmisogyny and learn about it and work it over is pretty important to me; but it sounds like you’re already working on this, so just keep your mind open with a clear heart. if you make a mistake, trust that you can learn from it and move on. id also say to let her be the one to define and speak about her transition and her past as well, and not to get tripped up on gender too much; i had an ex who was a lesbian and hated hearing me talk about my past as a boy. was very unfortunate. so keep an open mind and if you don’t understand something or you’d like to understand more, try not to be too afraid to ask; I can’t speak for her exactly, but I can say i really don’t mind getting asked about gender stuff or transmisogyny since it shows that someone cares and also gives me a chance to make sure we’re on the same page. and also, while this may be a little risqué, so long as she’s not ace or something id think about making sure you touch and love on her body holistically. a lot of trans women don’t get touched like how cis and other women do, so don’t be afraid to get a little handsy if she doesn’t mind it. having our bodies be actively wanted (touching sides, thighs, etc) can be really very wonderful when we’re taught that we’re repulsive in every way that matters.

so tl;dr: getting her more friends is a great idea for a milieu of reasons! don’t walk on eggshells with transmisogyny too much, just keep an open mind and maybe think about biases sometimes but don’t let it get to your beat and beat you up over it. but I think your concern sounds like it might be a sign that you care and are gonna try, and if that’s the case then approach any issues that come up from an angle of love and i think it should buff out. anyone wanna chime in in the replies?

#keeping codependency stuff in mind is smart too. it’d likely be for the best if her support network grew :) #don’t wanna put too much on you #good luck and much love :) #asks #anonymous

[p-aralian]

It’s been a while since I’ve confronted my thoughts and feelings so what better time to do that than now? 

I had an exam today and I thought that when it ended, I’d have this amazing feeling of accomplishment, that I kicked it in the butt and that I’m definitely passing it. Both of that is true and yet, it didn’t feel great. It just felt like “okay that’s done, what’s next?” I don’t know, I’m kinda disappointed by that. But maybe I shouldn’t be. I feel like I have this inherent need to make everything a big deal or find some deeper meaning to things than there actually is. I failed this exam last November and it was painful. It’s the first time I thought I actually studied for something and failed it. After ACTUALLY studying for it properly, I realised that I hadn’t done it justice the last time and failing was totally justified. I remember feeling like that failure did good for my character and that it was something to grow from. Time will tell, I suppose. Anyhow, I have a month and a half before I get my results and I go back to work next week, my parents get back tomorrow, so before I get busy again, I really want to use tonight to really tease out my feelings and find out what’s going on with me. 

These past 3 weeks of doing nothing but studying was very challenging for me. I’m sure this isn’t unique to me but when I’m studying, I feel like I can’t do anything else. At work however, I know that the evenings are mine and so are the weekends so I am able to strike a balance, but only because it’s forced upon me. While studying, I was really struggling to instil discipline in myself. It all worked out in the end, but I gave myself a lot of anxiety and panic attacks throughout the process. I did, however, sometimes, find meditation helpful and I will continue making that a part of my life. I also found that taking melatonin supplements helped me sleep at night and while I don’t want to make this a habit, I think I’m going to need it for the next week at least while I get settled into my routine of working and enjoying little indulgences in spare time like dance class / workouts / random weekend activities. I enjoy work a lot. My colleagues are my best friends, I feel needed and useful, I learn a lot, it’s my thing that’s not tied to anyone else and I love that. I feel like it’s time for me to start thinking about my career in the long term and earning good money and saving up and all those adult things. So I will be applying for training contracts at different firms from next week (hopefully diligently). When I’m working though, and maybe I don’t know if I think this is the best part about it but I’m so busy to really think about life and stuff. While I was studying, omg, I was thinking about things that I thought I was past, I was feeling things that I wish I wasn’t and it was terrifying. Because of that, I don’t want my “routine” shall we say, to keep me so busy that I sweep everything under the rug rather than deal with it the thorough, healthy way. I want to acknowledge, understand, accept how things make me feel, why they make me feel that way, what I like or don’t like about it and how to deal with it. I think the meditation will be good for me in this regard. I can’t just find something else to do to keep me busy so that I don’t think about things. 

Now I’ve been so vague thus far, saying “things” and “stuff” so I wanna just try to scratch the surface of what those are. 

First, needless to say, is the one person who always plays on my mind - Shad. I don’t know what to do really. I mean, it’s been a year a 5 months since our breakup now. On a day-to-day basis sure, I can get by my day. But he still haunts my thoughts, I still miss him so much. Obviously I think about all the good times, all the mushy lovely passionate moments we shared play in my mind on repeat and it’s excruciating. I miss all that, I miss what we had, I miss who he was. I don’t know how to phrase this properly but sometimes I think that when I miss him, I’m not sure if I’m missing him or if I miss the idea of him / how I assume he would be impacting my life in that moment. Let me give an example. Obviously when I was stressed, yes I missed him because I knew for a fact that he did a lot of things to help me but it’s not like he’s here and he’s horrible on text + there’s a time difference. So the question is: in that moment, do I really miss him particularly or do I just want someone to do what he would have done for me and make me feel better the way he did when we were together? I don’t know. Shad was an amazing person, we had the greatest love I will ever know and I’m still heartbroken. That’s all I can say really. It’d mean the world to me just to see him again, one last time. Sometimes I wonder if he thinks of me too, probably not as often as I do. I also wonder if he’s found someone new and if he has, whether she loves him half as much as I do. I hope he’s happy. 

Wow okay, crying a lot right now. Brb. 

Whew okay I’m back.  I’ve been forcing myself to be able to deal with tough mental situations myself. I find it easy to talk to close friends when I’m angry and pissed off and ranting. But I feel like when I’m anxious and I have that heavy feeling in my heart, I just feel super vulnerable and only someone whom I’ve been vulnerable with can make me feel better and I want that person to make me feel ‘taken care of’ or something. I don’t know. Usually that person tends to be the person that I like at that moment. But that’s so bad. Or when there is none, I’ll just go into majorly distracting myself by essentially shutting myself out and talking to strangers on the Internet be it on dating apps or literally “talkwithstranger.com”. Why is that a coping mechanism for me? I really don’t understand it. Sometimes I wish I could afford a therapist so that these issues can really be ironed out and explained to me. Anyways, back to my efforts - whenever I feel anxious, be it about studying or not being able to sleep or Shad, I’m trying not to distract myself with a TV show (unless I’m having a breakdown) or by talking to anyone. I want to get through it myself. This is where the meditation is helping. Breathing has always helped me. I think I read somewhere on Tumblr of a sequence of in-breaths and out-breaths to do that specifically help with anxiety. So yeah, point is, I want to be able to do this myself so that I don’t have to rely on anyone else. Clearly still finding my feet but I’m proud of myself for my efforts. I feel like I’m trying to be healthy emotionally and mentally, which is the difficult but more fulfilling path to take. 

Now, moving on to the trajectory of my life... Sometimes with the “routine”, I don’t actually realise just how fast time is passing by. And I’m still in that “oh I’m still young” phase but the day that I can’t use that excuse anymore is gonna come sooner than I think. And yes I know that everyone has their own timelines but I do personally want to achieve things before I’m thirty. Like okay let’s talk this through. Assuming all goes to plan with this exam, I’ll do my Part B this year (more studying ugh but we’ll cross that bridge when we get there) and I’ll be called to the Bar next year in August which will make me a practising solicitor when I’m 25, bearing in mind that I’m born in January, I’ll still be in my first year of practice when I turn 26. That’s so old! And then what? Do I stay in practice in Singapore? Do I go away and do my Masters and TRY to settle elsewhere? I don’t want to plan too much because these questions have answers that are dependent on a lot of variable factors but still, it’s scary. And yes, I know it’s about the journey like wow there’s so much of life to go but I just hope everything turns out okay, I mean, life is expensive and I want to be earning well and save enough to be able to afford big things that I will want in the future. Then there’s relationships. I thought I’d be married by 30 (lol the older I get, the later that age becomes fml) but I’m still figuring out what I want out of a relationship then there’s oh, of course, the question of who the hell I’m going to marry. I can’t even with that right now. I’m not even thinking about that in the first place but also it’s so hard to date in this country while living under my parents’ roof?! That’s another thing altogether and honestly is not bothering me too much at the moment but when I do want to get serious about a person, that is definitely going to be a problem. Don’t get me wrong, I love living with my parents... but like only half of the time. 

Okay I think I’ve actually regurgitated a lot of the things that were bothering me. There’s just one last thing. 

There’s a boy I like. He’s funny, smart, kinda sweet. I’ll refer to him as “R”. Not to be like all into myself and stuff but usually when a guy likes me, they’re usually like way more into it than I am so I that I can tell (which is a put-off yeah cuz there is also fun in not knowing). If not that then I like the guy and I can sway him towards me pretty easily. Or then there’s what I had with Shad, where there was a lot of physical attraction but when it came to emotional stuff, at least there was enough tension between us to know that he cared about how it would end up just as much as I did. 

Anyways, back to R. With him, it’s different. It’s chill. Which is so new for me. I know he likes me too but we don’t talk about it (and I think I’m supposed to feel like that is a good thing). Sometimes I feel like the one overcompensating or needing more from “us” before I snap myself out of it and remind myself that this is just supposed to be breezy. We can spend time with each other but also live our lives, with the ability to consult each other as recourse in difficult situations while not being codependent. He’s a straight up, genuine guy and I’m grateful that I’m sharing this with him. Getting to know him, spending time doing fun activities with him has been so much fun and *that’s all it has to be*. He’s been a positive influence in my life and in my thought/character development. Still working on finding my balance but yeah, just wanted to give R a little bit of recognition. 

That’s all the reflection I have in me for now, Tumblr. Thank you for being there for me the past 8 years and counting. 

#text