#just sick of this imposter syndrome im having with my adhd

[juupitrr]

suitcases man / vent

my sister came back from uni and moved back into her and i's room - which for the past 4-ish years has been mostly just /my/ room with her bed still in it for when she came over on holidays or moving between the uni years - and that meant she brought all her stuff with her and I had to move my stuff to make space.

I didn't realize it also meant moving my clothes and where i put them; like the suitcase I keep under her bed specifically at the far left end of it placed so I can pull it out, zip it open and take out the only 3 items that are in that suitcase, my black skater skirt, those black ankle socks I brought to kosov and never wore so keep there just incase, and that one corset top that came a day late than when I needed it.

When my dad helped her put her suitcases under her bed, they initially had to take out /my/ suitcase to make space for it then when they realized they had extra space, put my suitcase back in. In the far right side of the bed.

When my dad left I immediately went to it and fixed it and corrected it and my sister was looking at me weirdly "you're acting kinda ocd" "this is very ocd of you" and it annoyed me a lot because it was only recently that I've been comfortable with saying I have ADHD and she knew this and I thought the suitcase thing was another me or ADHD or both thing, so her naming it as something else just. it annoyed me. because I thought I finally had a kind of guide as to what certain things were and why. then in comes this whole new term id never considered that i now have to give a guest room in my head cuz now its circling in my thoughts a little in the back of my mind.

idk man just like, knowing what kind of neurodivergent u are is so fucking tough sometimes man, like why cant it be like the sorting hat or smn and it just tells u

#just sick of this imposter syndrome im having with my adhd #like? im sick of second doubting everytime i gain a new level of confidence in my symptoms and self diagnosis. #i cant wait ~2 years for cahms to call me and say “hey u were right it IS adhd gj champ” and just let myself sit in puzzled confusion like #i KNOW it's not good to self diagnose without proper research #but ive tried. ive tried to do the research i can without becoming obsessed and self fulfilling and spiraling too much. #and i cant just sit back while ppl r like “you do this that this this and that. wtf r u.” #and i have to be like “idk i cant tell u bcs tiktok told me im hellspawn and ablist if i try find out” #nah fuck that #fuck ppl who try and have that mindset abt people who KNOW they have something and NEED to know because if they dont they will scream #bcs man i WANT TO SCREAM EVERY DAYY and i have a BIG OL HUNK abt what I have. #and its a FUCKING SUITCASE. ITS A SUITCASE. AND ITS A GIANT LAWN CHAIR WITH ALL MY CLOTHES ON IT. #because I cant put it in the boxes my mum got me or else i will have a panic attack because its not right and i will cry and bawl again #ok im done #vixen speaks #juup talks #juupitrr talks #vent #personal vent #adhd vent #sorry lol #btw i dont have anything against my sister. these are just my feelings.

[jemamore]

i really hope read mores still work, i truly have regressed 10 years, if this just shows up on your dash like a normal text post im so sorry we're all stuck in this hellscape

idk i always feel better after writing stuff down or talking to people but i have no one to talk to, no one that is available to listen anyway, but you know whos always there for you, the void

last week i had my adhd assessment and ever since ive just had this huge wave of anxiety of imposter syndrome, like no body has ever believed me before, the psychiatrist belived me, but i lied and said that i was at a mental health baseline and its so fucking far from truth but i was just so scared that he's pass my experiences off as just chronic mental illhealth, im so used to lying and saying things are fine that i just feel so sick and so guilty that i could have said so much more in my assessment like what if i have gone through all of this just to use my report as evidence in the future and be told that its not good enough, and just the imposter syndrome feeling of am i just making this shit up like theres nothign wrong with me i was so convinced he'd say no its probably just the dyslexic side of things like i just feel so out of place in myself of like but no i wasnt expecting you to say yes you have inattentive adhd and it just hhghghh idk im just kinda going through it

i keep cycling through things i said to make me seem more normal, and then equally his expression when i told my truth and stuff and hhhhhhhhhhhhh idk i just feel so lonely i dont really know what im meant to do

im scared of the medication, im scared of having to seek a cardiologist, im scared of having to remember to tell my gp and to ask her about the cardiology side of things and ask if the practice will take on the transfer of care, its too much to handle and im so completely alone in the real world

#beloved mutuals do not interact #im just talking to the void #ignore