#jokes on you i just have straight up hrt in most of my worlds

[mousegard]

why hubert von fireemblem is a trans woman

ok so this morning i wrote a rambly little essay in a discord server i’m in about why i read hubert von vestra from fire emblem three houses as a closeted/in-denial trans woman and figured i’d share it here on tumblr:

so the in-game details about hubert, the pegasus knight yearnings, the straight razor as one of his lost items (prefers a close shave... i bet you do, buddy), outright disliking being called a man is all just... so very very eggy but what really got the trans headcanon juices flowing was the way hubert talks to edelgard in their supports. particularly their c-support. the dynamic of edelgard's feelings of regret that hubert is forced to share her path in life and hubert's insistence that there is no path he would rather walk really struck a chord with me regarding gender dysphoria and what it does to you 

in my experience, most of the trans people i know, myself included, start out from the assumption that our own desires are impossible to achieve. whether because you don't yet know that trans people even exist, or because you've only ever seen them portrayed as jokes or cheap pathos perverts. even when you know that transition is possible it still feels like something you can never hope to achieve. and so since you can't live your own life, you live someone else's life. you bury that yearning part of you that knows what it wants and dedicate yourself to being the person your parents want you to be. or your friends want you to be. what your social circle expects you to be. and you say, "yes, this is what i want. this is the path i want to put my life on. this is who i am. no it doesn't bother me. i'm happy like this" 

not to discount hubert's loyalty to edelgard, of course—he's clearly a true believer in her ambitions and her goals and will do anything to bring about the world she seeks to create. and like edelgard, hubert is willing to throw aside his own desires, his own freedom to decide what is to be done with his life, so that the rest of the world can have that freedom. like edelgard is resigned to being a villain and dying a villain's death, so too is hubert resigned to being a man and living a man's life. i think details in the game, from the way he carries himself and performs masculinity, to very obvious things like the pegasus knight fixation (more on that later)

somewhat related, there are some lines in hubert’s b-support with byleth that really jump out at me when i associate them with the dynamic between edelgard and hubert:

hubert is, of course, talking about byleth in these quotes and discerning the presence of sothis within them. but, of course, there's no way for him to know just how literally correct he is in these lines. after all, only byleth can see or hear sothis. so i think the aptness of hubert's similie here and how telling the language he uses ends up being for byleth isn't just hubert talking about byleth but rather him using that imagery of a second self with desires different from one's own lurking beneath the surface to describe himself

there are no details in fe3h canon regarding how easy or difficult it would be to transition in the game's setting, which is hardly surprising, but it's a bit of a moot point. even in the modern world, with hrt more easily available than ever before in human history and the vast strides in transition related medical science that have been made through the 20th and 21st century, transitioning still feels impossible before you've started to do it. you'll tell yourself, "well, sure, that other person transitioned, but i can't, it's still impossible for me," whether because transitioning would expose you to danger in your family/larger community or because "hormones just won't work on me like they work for other people, because reasons" or both. but i digress. with fodlan's institutional heteronormativity we can assume cisnormativity as well.

thinking about how impossible it might feel to be trans in fodlan makes me think of a section of a poem written by a 14th century jewish philosopher, kalonymus ben kalonymus, that is very clearly about transfeminine longing and suggests the possibility that kalonymus may have been a trans woman. this section, titled "prayer for transformation," is such a strong examination of dysphoric feelings and despair. i personally love this poem and i have used it in other trans headcanon fics in the past, in other fandoms, and you can read the full english text beside the original hebrew here: https://opensiddur.org/prayers/civic-calendar/international/transgender-day-of-visibility/prayer-of-kalonymus-from-sefer-even-bohan-1322/

that's not even getting into hubert's overall character design—with his height, his build, and the general matt smith-esque features of his face, being a trans woman would no doubt feel more impossible in his eyes than it would be for someone who got a more "favorable" spin on the genetic roulette wheel (someone like ferdinand, perhaps, who definitely seems like he could perform androgyny or femininity with so much more ease if he were so inclined than a broad-shouldered, six-foot-two frankenstein's monster). and of course, he prefers clothes that cover from head to toe, much like edelgard herself does, hiding as much of the body he does not feel comfortable in as possible. which is, also. a very trans thing. all in all, hubert comes across as uncomfortable in his own skin and with the trappings of masculinity to a degree that honestly strikes me as entirely intentional on the writers' part, especially with this (thanks to teaspoon translations on twitter for this nugget of localization):

this in particular is what pushes my thoughts on hubert being a trans woman from "headcanon" to "no, this isn't a headcanon, this is actually just what the game's text says, and i will die on the hill of hubert having been intentionally written by someone on the writing team to have gender dysphoria and be a closeted/in-denial trans woman"

i could go into so much more detail about how hubert performs masculinity and how he leans into being off-putting and frightening around other people because it’s easier and safer than being the person he wants to be while also not wanting people to feel unsafe or uncomfortable around him (see his supports with bernadetta) but i think that’s enough on why hubert is very obviously written in-game as a closeted/in-denial trans woman for now

lastly, i want to talk about how i write transfem hubert in my fire emblem fanfics and how i picked a name for her, which of course lean harder into headcanon territory since they involve actually making things up:

the name "hubert" is derived from the germanic elements hug, "heart, mind" and beraht, "bright"—bright heart. when i was searching for a name to make hubert's own in my first transfem hubert fic, i looked for similar meanings and found "heidrun"—derived from old norse heiðr, "bright, clear" and rún, "secret"—"bright secret." a secret that has been made clear, a desire of the heart brought forth for all to see. making "heidrun" the name of an in-universe fictitious(?) (wink wink) legendary pegasus knight whose origin story was a boy being blessed by the goddess and transformed to a girl as a reward for his faith so that he could be a pegasus knight was my way of tying that name as well to hubert's feelings of religious disillusionment and complex attitude toward his faith

also if some sort of magical and/or folk medicine hrt does exist in fodlan (1.) manuela definitely knows about it and (2.) a couple years of facial feminization via hormone replacement would make heidrun look like sigourney weaver and i think that’s great

also also jeritza is also very arguably canonically transfem in the same respect, but you can go to @strawberry-crocodile​ to learn more about that because i am not the jeritza expert here. anyway both in-universe and irl edelgard von hresvelg just draws trans women toward her like stand users attracting other stand users and i think that’s real fuckin neato

#long post #hubert von vestra

[kingreywrites]

trans new dream !!!! love it. if you have more hcs that you didn’t share in the first ask, consider this your excuse to share them. i would love it.

Thank you!! I love this hc a lot too 🥺💖 Have a few others!! It's kinda disorganised though asfhskdkf sorry 

- Eugene used to bind with whatever would do the work cheaply, so mostly bandages, but once he's welcomed into the castle with Rapunzel, he's given access to way more options. He's kinda worried about straight out asking though, and Rapunzel tries to help him, but it's finally Cassandra who comes through and shows him more comfortable ways to bind (because Cass is non-binary 😌) 

- once he knows what he wants exactly, Rapunzel takes into sewing him binders and decorating them 

- I mentioned it in my last post, but Rapunzel would have more difficulties adapting to having lost her hair, since Gothel did her best to make it the only thing that mattered in her femininity. However, having the same hair color as Arianna, and being told by everyone how much she looks like her mom, and having Arianna herself be really supportive of it and of her choices in general do help her gain confidence in her appearance 

- the first time Frederic calls Eugene "son", Eugene cries a little bit. They don't talk about it. Fred is supportive of them both btw, in the "he's a little confused but he's got the spirit" vibe 

- Rapunzel has a hard time not seeking affirmation, since she had been made so dependent on it for eighteen years. The fact that she's given it freely all the time, by Eugene, her family, and everyone around her, helps her a lot, and I can see her straying from the dresses and the pink/purple colours once she feels more comfortable in the fact that they're not necessary for her to be a woman 

- Eugene finds a new joy in taking care of his appearance, and though he had hidden it for years behind the excuse that he had just a big ego, he's glad that none of this is seen as too feminine for him. He's really anxious about the way other people perceives him, and he's also really sensitive about certain things (as in, jokes about his name are REALLY badly taken) but honestly, if anyone criticise him or Rapunzel, someone in the castle is gonna punch them before they have the time to react 

- in the same vein, the episode where Edmund calls Eugene by his birth name is cut short by the fact that Rapunzel tackles Edmund one-minute in. 

- despite their experiences being so different on the surface, Eugene and Rapunzel definitely have a lot in common. They spend long nights talking about the stuff they lived through, and how they both feel like they have to prove themselves for their identity to be valid (and they both think to themselves quietly that they're gonna do everything so the other doesn't feel like that again) 

- okay so I know that in the show everyone's a giant but that means that, compared to them, Eugene is mostly... short. Except that he's actually taller than Rapunzel, and both of them find this really great (Rapunzel is always happy to get on her tiptoe to kiss him) 

- since it's my headcanons and my made-up world, there are things like HRT and top surgery etc. (Historical accuracy is only here when I want her okay) So, between other things, Eugene does have a goatee, and is REALLY proud of it (and still annoys Cassandra by taking care of it with her weapons). 

- Rapunzel discovers that she actually really likes having some make-up on. It's artistic, she likes how it makes her look, she's really happy to be introduced to it 

- Rapunzel also really enjoys learning more about weapons, and she's amazing with a crossbow because I said so. She has a less strict idea of what "typically masculine" stuff is (Gothel mostly demonized masculinity, and made her feel bad for being associated to it, but being separated from society still means that Rapunzel doesn't have the same stereotypes Eugene does), so when she hears about fighting being mostly a masculine activity, she feels a little bad - but Eugene and Cassandra are both here to tell her that's bullshit anyway.

- Eugene and Rapunzel unofficially take under their wings every lgbt kid in Corona and beyond. They really want to help people like they wish they had been helped when they struggled the most, and they're also not afraid to punch assholes if necessary

#trying to explain my hcs is hard sometimes because my brain is simply made of vibes #sorry i didn't answer yesterday!! #tangled #Rapunzel #Eugene Fitzherbert #mine

[rittz]

thoughts about being trans, idk where else to put them so here u go

it’s not like i don’t have trans guy friends to talk to about this, it’s just usually in the form of jokes or passing comments rather than an actually serious conversation. also, the transmasc people that i’m closest to identify more with the label “nonbinary” than i do-- it’s not like they couldn’t understand or relate to things i’m saying, but i’m just assuming that they probably don’t feel the exact same way i do

anyway, as a trans person we get often asked “so why do you feel like a [gender]?”, and the answer is usually some variation of “i just feel like it”. this is the most accurate but also vaguest possible answer, so i kinda wanted to break down my personal answer to that question?

basically, i identify as a man because i identify with men. in a general and also personal sense. gender stereotypes are something that trans people by necessity both embrace and reject. i relate to gender stereotypes about men more than those of women-- i’m less outwardly emotional, i like being handy, i don’t like kids, i have questionable personal hygiene, etc-- but obviously these things alone don’t make someone a man. however... you can’t deny that there is some general truth about behavioral differences between men and women (bc of society, not biology). men and women both experience different problems in the world, and each have trouble understanding the experiences and problems of the other. generally, i can relate to the experiences and problems of men more than those of women, even if it seems like i shouldn’t (for example, i am not afraid of walking alone at night, even though i am very tiny).

i, from a young age, have had a constant yearning for more male friends. i would occasionally choose to play video games as a male character. i was upset that i couldn’t be in boy scouts. i have been jealous of my younger brothers being treated by my parents the ways i wished i was treated. when i imagined myself older, i pictured myself less like my mom and more like my dad. when i’m around men, i want them to treat me like one of them. i want to be seen as a man.

and i think that’s what being trans really boils down to. wanting to be seen as someone other than how everyone sees you. wanting what you see on the outside to match how you feel on the inside. this obviously extends to nonbinary individuals, who face their own struggle when it comes to presentation. but at the end of the day, i think that presentation is equally important to gender identity as internal feelings. i mean, i think we’re all familiar with the research proving that transitioning makes trans people happier. surgery is an invasive, expensive, painful process that i DON’T think is necessary for every trans person, and HRT isn’t always easy to get. but changing a name, getting a new haircut, dressing differently, binding, etc. counts as transitioning. you don’t have to hate your body to be trans, but wanting to alter it in order to better connect your internal identity with your presentation, i think is necessary in order to consider yourself to be trans. 

i will admit i am confused by “GNC trans men” i see on tumblr and insta, who use he/him pronouns but exclusively present femininely. i’m not talking about trans guys who don’t yet pass, i mean trans guys who don’t want to. i don’t harbor any ill will, i’m just confused. if i understand being trans to mean “wanting what you see on the outside to match how you feel on the inside”, you can see how. doesn’t that make you feel dysphoric? don’t you want people who see you to read you as male? how is your life different from when you didn’t identify as male but presented the same way? this isn’t me trying to gatekeep on who’s “trans enough”, and especially when it comes to nonbinary identities it’s arbitrary to harp on presentation like this. but like, what’s going on here?

taking a turn here that will come back around, an extremely key component to why i identify as and with men is my sexuality. i have always idolized, envied, and evoked various queer icons from media and real life. the hunky, grunting, macho, hetero version of “man” never appealed to me the way that the fashionable, artsy, flirty, homo version of “man” did. drag queens, my mom’s hairdresser, glam rock stars, i could go on. associating my more feminine qualities with GAY stereotypes instead of FEMALE stereotypes suddenly made more sense, and made me feel less dysphoric. it’s also something that took me a long time to realize, because i had surrounded myself with queers who were mostly attracted to women. transmascs and butch lesbians historically have a lot in common, but personally, i didn’t relate as much to lesbians as i did to drag queens. in dating and loving men, i developed my understanding of them. but my attraction to men was why it had taken me so long to realize i felt more like a man-- i thought i was just some weird straight girl.

now, am i calling these “GNC gay trans men” with long pink hair and poofy skirts and conventionally attractive bisexual boyfriends “weird straight girls”? ...well, not to their faces. but i have to admit that i’m thinking it. these people would never go to a predominantly-male gay bar, these people would never be harassed on the street. i’m not saying i know someone’s identity better than they do, but i don’t agree with the liberal utopian ideal of “let everyone do whatever they want as long as they aren’t hurting anyone” when taken to mean that we can’t question other people’s choices. “why do you feel like a man?” is a question that, coming from another trans person, isn’t inherently transphobic. it’s not “forcing” someone to “prove” their “transness”, no one “owes” me an explanation of their identity. i’m just confused. i don’t disapprove of the way these people live their lives, i just want to know why.

a straight girl being feminine is different from a gay man being feminine, because it has less to do with personality and more to do with society’s historic view of gay men as closer to female than male because of the loving and fucking men aspect. an AMAB gay man wearing makeup and a crop top probably just wants to look good, but he is also signaling to other men that he’s gay via gender non-conformance. by being AFAB and female-passing, wearing makeup and a crop top is not GNC. in fact it’s pretty GC, and gay men will not recognize you as a gay man.

it’s easy to say “gender is fake so do whatever you want”, but like, we have to acknowledge reality. time is a social construct too, but we still use days of the week when talking to each other. strangers will treat you differently depending on what gender they interpret you as. different people will be willing to date you or not. you have to choose which public bathroom to go in. if being misgendered doesn’t bother these people, then who cares? but if it DOES, which it usually does, wouldn’t you want to take steps to prevent being misgendered in the future? if your desire to present femininely is stronger then your desire to be seen as male, then like... why call yourself a male at all? ultimately nothing these people do will really affect me in any way. it just makes me wonder if these people will eventually go on to present as male, or if they will later ID as nonbinary or even cis. i encourage people trying out different labels and exploring their identity, so it’s not like i think these people SHOULDN’T identify as trans guys. it’s more like, i wish they were able to articulate WHY they identify as trans more than “because i said so”. not wanting to be a woman doesn’t automatically make you a man, it just makes you not a woman.

maybe i’m particularly cynical because of the MULTIPLE times that people with larger online followings who identify and present this way have later turned out to be lying, manipulative people. hopefully it goes without saying that i do NOT think that everyone who identifies and presents this way is a toxic liar. the reason i bring it up is because some people genuinely can’t understand the possibility or purpose of misleadingly claiming a marginalized identity, but it can and does happen. an analogy could be made here about white people claiming indigenous heritage. we all WANT to believe what people say about themselves, and asking for “proof” is a social no-no. but we shouldn’t just... automatically trust everything someone says about themselves, right? and as bad as i WANT to live in a world where gender doesn’t matter and everyone default uses neutral pronouns and there are no divisions in clothing stores and bathrooms, we don’t live in that world (yet). when you are AFAB, /extremely/ femininely presenting, and have little to no plans of transitioning, saying “i am a man” will not make other people see you as one. and if you don’t want to be seen as a man, then maybe you aren’t one.

#lgbt #ftm #long...

[fotiathymos]

do you have trans hcs for any other characters in promare? :0

I do! under cut cause im a TALKER whoops.

uhhh trigger warning that i do talk a bit about transphobia and unsupportive family.

I realize in my last post I didn’t mention it but Gueira and Meis aren’t cis! 

Gueira was born intersex and doesn’t agree to calling himself cis or trans. He is proud to be intersex. (do know this is a fictional character and not all real life people who are intersex agree or disagree with calling themselves cis or trans.)

Gueira uses he/him pronouns but doesn’t strictly dress masculine. Really just a comfy clothes wearer. 

Meis is trans genderfluid. Mostly uses they/them pronouns and has girl days or boy days sometimes where they can be more okay with she/her or he/him. Just leans into a mix usually. Actually doesn’t like being called Gueira’s boyfriend and rather ‘partner’. Gueira says it like a cowboy usually to make Meis giggle.

I do enjoy Ignis being an trans elder. (He is like 55 in my mind not 40 as i think canon states?) Ignis knew Galo was trans upon entering the job but of course did not out Galo to everyone. Galo isn’t secretive about being trans though. When Galo finds out Ignis is trans he cries happy tears and hugs him, making Ignis just a lil uncomfortable but not rejecting the hug.. hes got a reputation Galo.

I always had it in my head that Galo joined Burning Rescue and challenged all their thoughts on gender and etc. Considering they all grew up in a strict propaganda filled city some of them mightve just heard of terms but not thought about it too hard for..reasons. But then Galo comes into the work place being the ‘queer kid’ and wouldn’t take any bullshit. He grew up mostly by themself, discovered things on his own and does still feel that outward pressure to conform (esp with Kray, Galo is the most ‘passing as cis’ as he can be around Kray most times). So I thought mostly about everyone in BR were cis, not all of them straight but cis...bbuuutttt

Galo makes everyone question their thoughts on gender cause Galo is so open about his own and loves helping others. Galo does ‘mask’ themself sometimes and at first joining didn’t go full blown open. But one day Lucia needs a tampon and Galo had one in his bag and Lucia is like ‘um what?’ Galo goes casual and just ‘oh yeah.. i don’t need them anymore but its become habit to carry it around yaknow and you never know when it could come in handy!’

Lucia is the first to question if its okay to be non-binary lesbian, like maybe shes not entirely strictly ‘girl’. She’s loud and proud about being gay, lesbian flag above her desk, talks bout going to lesbian bars and wanting to just hold a girls hand. So she’s the first to feel okay enough to question herself gender wise.

Varys is that guy you might know in life who is just chill about everything. Galo comes out to Varys casually one day and Varys doesn’t linger on it at all. “Trans? Hell yeah! We still going out for bbq? Double hell yeah!” But he’s also a guy you never know whats going on in their head. He just remembers weirdly specific things you say sometimes and comes back at you with them later. Galo mentioned briefly that sunflowers remind him of his mother. Varys mails Galo sunflowers when Galo takes the day off on his mothers bday. Varys also randomly texts Galo ‘hey you know how youre trans, can i be like not always a man?’ 

Remi............................reMI UH. Remi is weird in my head. I feel hes that guy who just makes everything into a TMI or sex joke or just awkwardly flirts with everyone he becomes friendly with. Like just pushes the boundaries cause he thinks were friends now i can do this, without realizing hes over stepped them. That guy who thinks just cause your his friend now we can talk about sex casually. Hes quick to apologize when told off but still. I’m horrible I feel like Remi is that guy who’d consider him getting pegged by his girlfriend means he’s in with the lgbt crowd. He’s cis and comfortable with that and is confused by non-binary identities but won’t insult his coworkers and respect them. Eventually he’ll learn that just cause you are over 18 now, not everything in the world is related to sex. Idk if that made sense or if I threw him under the die-cis-scum buss too hard.

AND THEN THERE IS AINA.

Who... I adore. And even my head canons for her contrast and complement Galo like her story/character in the movie. So....shes trans.

We don’t get info about her family life but I’m assuming her sister raised her by herself and the parents weren’t in the picture. Aina came out to her sister right out of high school. Heris was starting college and working to provide for her and Aina. She flipped out on her and her words were ‘i dont care if youre a girl or a boy but those hormones can be pricey we dont have insurance you cant get surgery your too young, etc etc’ Unsupported in misreading the situation as an inconvenience to money and life and not the actuality of Aina just being herself and wanting to be honest about it. 

Aina gets ignored as her sisters career and life revolves around a sudden job with the Foundation. But Heris has money now. And is “supportive” in giving Aina money. Pays for her HRT, doctor visits, therapy, and then eventually training to be in Burning Rescue. And Heris is adamant that Aina never, EVER tells anyone she’s trans. Sweeps up any possible info about that under the rug. Doesn’t want to be looked at with a bad eye from Foresight. What Heris feels is a safety measure for her family is what Aina sees as shame. Kinda reflecting how Heris in the movie sees that shes doing ‘all this for you, Aina’ only for it to be cruel and harmful directly to Aina.

Aina doesn’t know what drew her to Galo. He’s cute and nice and friendly. Maybe it’s a crush? He understands me and no one ever did. He respects me for me. “Youre you Aina and theres nothing wrong with that.” (I forget the exact quote) The words play in her head for the longest time. She never came out to Burning Rescue for fear, cause Heris said not to, cause its ‘inconvenient’. And suddenly Galo is loud and proud about being trans??? Should she be too?? 

Eventually she confides in Galo. Probably after the Parnassus events. She realizes she doesn’t have a crush and was just not use to someone being nice to her and accepting her. She eventually tells the rest of Burning Rescue. Finds out Ignis knew all along due to paperwork but just once again, Captain isn’t gonna out his team member. 

And then finally during a late night movie sleepover. Galo’s like ‘you know we should hang the trans and non binary flag on the front of the station.’ Lucia goes ‘YEAH a big FUCK YOU to the Foundations normies!!!!’ Aina says ‘we should really run that past Captain first...’ Finally Ignis walks in, tilts down his sunglasses and says ‘I planned for this’ and unveils a flag that just says ‘fight the cis-tem’ and Galo and Lucia SCREAM. Only Galo knew Ignis was trans til that point..

I made a STORY damn.

I hope that wasn’t... too much... thank for reading.... ;u;/

#boop answers #boops hcs #WORDS #i gotta not look at a screen for a while im shakinG #Anonymous #boop merps

[fuzziekins]

I would like to ask you all of the pride questions from that one post.

Dammit Steve XD

Gender and pronouns?  Female and she/her are fine, as far as i know i’m cis. i don’t care if you call me dude, though. Dude can be anyone.

Romantic orientation? i use demi-whatromantic, with demiromantic as the microlabel. Most people know whatromantic as quoiromantic or quoi. i think what/quoi is typically known as a microlabel, but i relate to that more and feel it describes me more compared to demi which is why i focus more on that aspect.

Sexual orientation? In lamest terms? Asexual. In my terms? Stereotypical ace. In specific terms? S-x repulsed asexual.

Past labels you’ve used? i didn’t use anything before discovering asexuality because naive and oblivious, as far as i know. Before demi-whatromantic i briefly used demiromantic as a placeholder even though that didn’t totally feel right on its own.

How long have you been using your current labels? Asexual since late October 2017 and officially, or i guess out, since February 2018. Demi-whatromantic i think has been for maybe 6ish months now?

What made you pick your name? i had no say in my name lol. I haven’t changed it at all

What names have you gone by previously? Unless nicknames count for anything, just my regular boring name.

What names have you considered using? i’ve only ever considered using other names for me as a Pokemon trainer in the games which is obviously not the same. But, for the record, every time i start a game using the male trainer i’d use the name Larry.

Do you like your flag(s)? i don’t focus on the demiromantic flag as much, only because i feel less of the connection to compared to ace and what. The asexual flag has definitely given me a new appreciation for purple, but as a former art student i’ve been taught that black is typically the absence or color and white encompasses all the colors. so i do wish the ace flag had more colors just so i can stop referring to purple as the “only” color. i definitely appreciate and like the look of the whatromantic flag, but i don’t think as many people are aware of what it looks like or that it even exists. i especially love the shade of blue used in it.

Favorite flag(s) visually? Gonna be unoriginal and say the gay pride flag just because i love rainbows. 

Favorite colors? Blue has always been a favorite of mine, and i used to gravitate mostly towards lighter shades of purple but now i just include purple in general.

Favorite animals? Puppies, kitties, bunnies, hamsters, monkeys, ponies.... Actually, probably best just to say adorable fluffy animals.

Favorite things about being LGBT+? i like having an explanation for being me. i don’t look my age to begin with and i definitely don’t act like it. So people assuming there’s something wrong with me mentally because of it, or wanting to avoid me in general.... i know people have their feelings about stereotypes and a lot of times it is negative, but for me knowing that a stereotypical ace basically describes who i am, it feels reassuring. And i like knowing that i don’t have to act or think or do completely of what’s expected of me because in a heteronormative world, being LGBT+ completely flips that around. Even if to me, it doesn’t always feel like i have a place because i don’t know many queer people and i don’t get involved in things in general, somewhere in my mind i know that there’s a place for me.

Are you dysphoric? Not that i know of.

Are you religious? Nope. i don’t fast, i don’t keep kosher, i don’t go to temple, i never went to Hebrew school.... But it doesn’t make me any less connected to my religion and, as selfish as it sounds, i still wanna make a point of it and remind people, hey us Jews exist, too!

Are you questioning your identity? Some parts of it i do question sometimes, mostly in terms of aesthetic attraction. But i fluctuate with including that attraction in my identity. And i do question how much, if at all it does or could play a part in my romantic attraction. 

Are you in a relationship? Haha, funny. Nope.

Are you out of the closet IRL? For the most part, yes. It’s primarily in terms of saying i’m asexual or just queer, but part of that depends who i’m talking to, if or when it comes up in conversation, and how comfortable i feel talking to people about it.

Is your family supportive? i honestly don’t know if my extended family knows, even though i do post pride related things on my Instagram which some of them do follow and i have posted about it there. But, as annoyed as my mom can get with my ace jokes or comments sometimes, she accepts me for who i am and supports me, and has, probably before even knowing the term asexual existed, had an assumption a typical relationship happening for me was slim. And i know without a doubt that if my dad was still around he would definitely be supportive of me and not cared what i identified as, what i looked like, who i liked or didn’t like, or anything like that. 

Favorite LGBT+ celebrity or historical figure? Neil Patrick Harris is definitely one of them, and i think another favorite is probably Demi Lovato.

Favorite LGBT+ couple IRL? Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka. i love NPH and the family that he and David have are just the most precious things ever! Plus the way they go all out for Halloween every year? HELL. YES.

Favorite LGBT+ canon character? First one that comes to mind is Asami from Legend of Korra. Because Asami. Another one is Cyrus Goodman from Andi Mack. i loved watching his journey on the show and also knowing that there are kids who were watching Disney Channel that could not only relate to and look up to him as a queer character but also as a queer Jewish character. Plus he was just the most precious character and i just wanted to hug him!

Favorite LGBT+ canon fictional couple? Korra and Asami from Legend of Korra; Stef and Lena from The Fosters; Kat and Adena from The Bold Type.

Some characters you headcanon as LGBT+? Elsa and Honeymaren from Frozen 2. Don’t get me started, i will NEVER shut up. I’m going down with that ship.

Some LGBT+ pairings you ship? i know i already said Kat and Adena from the Bold Type. As of the current season they are - spoiler - not together and have not been done the justice to them as characters or their relationship. I continue to ship them, i love the chemistry the actors always have between them and how believable it is for their characters, and i’m just anxiously waiting for the day when they can hopefully FINALLY get back together.

Any celebrity crushes? If by crushes you mean celebrities i admire, look up to, think are cute, and would probably watch almost any show or movie if they were in it? Zendaya. The same has also applied to Corbin Bleu.

Any fictional crushes? As long as the same rule applies to the previous question and also includes being obsessed yet completely in control of that obsession and that character is also a muse for creativity? Elsa.

A trope you dislike about your identity? Probably that it’s a phase or i just haven’t met the right person yet. It took me probably too long to know let alone even understand why i didn’t think so much of romance or relationships and why i was never looking for or really wanting an actual relationship. For the most part, that’s been my whole life so to say my whole life is just some kind of phase or imply that i’m living it wrong? Just. No.

A trope about your identity that applies to you? Maybe this falls more under the stereotypical asexual label, but that aces can be very childlike. i’ve always been a kid at heart, i never really acted like my age, and yeah i can be really naive or clueless about a lot of things. 

Something you wish people understood about your identity? Probably just that people understood it’s an actual identity. It’s not a choice, it’s not a phase. It’s not a label someone created just to be able to fit in somewhere or for sh-ts and giggles. It’s an actual, legitimate, real identity. 

Something you dislike about being LGBT+? I feel like i can’t fully comment on it because sometimes i don’t fully feel LGBT+. Not having more than a couple of friends who identify as queer, not actively getting involved in the community or really wanting to be around people in general...i can only say what i dislike based on what i’ve seen online. And what i don’t like is that the LGBT+ community is supposed to be that - a community. It’s supposed to be a place where we can all relate to each other somehow, support each other and rely on each other. It’s supposed to be a place where, regardless of what label or how many labels we use, if we’re not straight it’s our place. We belong. But people still find a way to want to kick people out or treat people badly just because they don’t understand or agree on the label. Or maybe they don’t like or understand why someone chose a certain label or doesn’t have one at all or just uses queer. People still find a way to exclude and ignore and that’s not fair at all.

If you’re not cis, do you want HRT and/or surgery?

If you’re not straight, who was your first same-gender crush? Are we still going by either of my crush definitions from earlier....?

Do you align with any gay subcategories? (Butch/femme, bear/twink, etc.) Not that i know of. I don’t think i even know a lot, or maybe any of the subcategories at all besides those mentioned.

Do you have any LGBT+ idols? Elton John is the one that comes to mind. Knowing the life he had, the addictions he struggled with and ultimately overcame, becoming an activist and philanthropist especially for HIV/AIDS, growing up on his music... He dealt with a lot and has gone through so much but he’s come out so much stronger and has not only had a successful career but has also tried to do his part to help others for a cause that he believes in. 

Do you own pride merch? Would you like to? A pride hat, 2 pride scarves, a few pride pins, an asexual lanyard.... i would definitely like to have a t-shirt with an ace pun at it at some point, though.

Do you have a type in partners? Probably water. Or were you talking about actual human partners and not Pokemon partners in the games?

Do you have a type in friends? i actually don’t think i chose any of my friends. As far as i can think of, all of the friends i do have came into my life kind of by accident or by chance and they’re the ones who have stuck around. i do think most of my friends though have senses of humors and are loyal, although the closest ones are definitely WAY more levelheaded than i am! XD

[henrysun]

Some real trans thoughts from a real train boy

I love being in this body, going through this puberty, experiencing life a new man, becoming a new man every time I wake up. I love being nonconforming and fucking with your expectations. I love my little dick, even though he's not what I need him to be. I love being a man who loves men and a nonconforming boi who loves nb and nonconforming ppl. I love being this beautiful brown boy with eyes so dark they appear black and hair on my nose that I used to get insecure about.

Some days, I wake up from a dysphoria dream and I try to pull my breast tissue off like silly putty. Some days, I reach down to adjust my dick and discover I do not have the one I thought I did. And some days, that's more of a confusion than it is a striking pain. Some days, dysphoria comes in other shapes than dissociation.

Being gay is no longer a primary identity. It can no longer be when the world is subjecting me to so much for being brown and trans: what they can more obviously see on my skin, in my voice, in the way that I walk. I miss being gay. I feel as if I am not GAY anymore, as if yes I love men and yes I love nb and nonconforming ppl, but that that does not make me truly GAY because I am more truly TRANS bc that is where I am oppressed the most.

I walk into most interactions, especially with authority figures, with fear and yet nonchalance. I KNOW they will discriminate against me. I EXPECT not to get that job, to be disrespected, to be told trans rights do not belong Here.

Being brown and trans in this nation is difficult. But it could never had prepared me for being brown, trans, and on hrt. Before I was on hrt, before I was given this beautiful body that I love so much with all of these wonderful changes, before I had to shakingly stab myself in the thigh once a week to (what I now understand) save my life, you could categorise me in your head as a lesbian and move on. Because LESBIAN is less offensive to the cis brain than TRANS BOI and especially less than BROWN TRANS BOI. Because cis people can't even fathom that you can be nonconforming and on hrt, because cis people have no conception of the infinite flavours of manhood. I watch my other trans friends move through life without the kind of exhaustion I have, I watch them try to be allies to brown gay and brown trans ppl (gay as an umbrella term here). But they cannot know the unique experience of the brown trans person, because they're white, so many of them are white. There are trans support groups and racial trauma support groups, but where is my trans and racial trauma support group? There simply aren't enough of us to justify one.

My friends and I joke that I am an 80 year old man. But sometimes that jokes feels more like reality. Sometimes I get told by authority in my college that I am too trans to live with women and female dorming anymore. That it was okay for this year, but next year they are creating a new policy where all trans masc ppl are categorised the same way cis men are and they now have to accomodate religions that don't want to live with trans ppl. And they throw me around like a ragdoll and try to put me in inferior housing or housing that violates my ada accomodations. And I get exhausted and I say "do what you must to me, I will pick and choose my battles." I feel 80 then. I feel so tired, I feel as though I have so much weight on my shoulders, that I have to be 80.

It's not normal for a college student to have seen what I have in this life. It's not normal for a boy my age to know what I must know.

And as the testosterone continues to run its course, as I continue to masculinise and love myself, the discrimination gets worse. But one day I will wake up and I will just be a man to them, maybe--one day I will receive male privilege just like my cis male counterparts, maybe. And when that day comes, how will I grapple with all of this struggle? How will I reason it through? How will I live one life, inevitably, stealth and one life out and juggle in my mind the differences of my existence? I am scared. I am so scared.

I am scared to be a brown man in this country, too. Because while being read as a man means gaining so much privilege, being a brown man means I no longer fear cops raping me but I now fear cops shooting me dead. Being a brown woman meant, to me, sexual assault and being a brown man means, to me, death. And being a brown trans man means, to me, both.

But I am not a rapist, I am not a gang member, I am not any longer a drug dealer. I do not beat my girlfriends (or partners for that matter, but a gay brown man? They don't exist) and I do not commit crimes. I am not what you have built a brown man up to be, I am not what you think a Mexican man must be.

I've been abandoned and abused by my family, assaulted for this body, disrespected for the labels I have taken that do not begin to define me. I have been rejected from this country like a bad organ transplant.

But I love love love being Chicanx. I love love love being trans. I love love love being gay. I take all these things and I never wish I were white or cis or straight. Because what a sad existence I would live not knowing what I know. (No shame to any of my cis, straight, white pals out there. You would think your existence would be sad, also, if I took your key identifiers or experiences away from you. What if you were never abused as a child? What if you had never been broken up with in high school? I think you'll find your life is only your life because you have seen what you have seen.)

I don't have many friends because I cannot be friends with anyone who misgenders me or anyone who makes racist comments or anyone who calls me a fag (I recently lost a friend bc after months of friendship, he decided to finally let out his homophobia and transphobia--oh but only when I started to persue a man because that's when I became a real gay man, before I was just theoretically gay). And you begin to realise what a world we live in, when your options become so limited. Am I okay with this world? No. Am I okay with myself? I'm certainly fighting to be.

These are just my thoughts. Obviously, there are infinite unique experiences of trans folk. This is mine. I hope someone can relate. If you don't relate, that's okay, too. If you want to leave a negative comment, go away I don't need you in my life. I think you'll find your negative comments are going to be racist and transphobic, if you look close enough into your heart.

#transmasc #trans poc #trans dude #trans boi #transmasculine #trans man #trans boy #trans #transgender #brown tran #brown trans #brown ftm #ftm #brown boy #brown boi #nonconforming #gender nonconforming #gender #ftm testosterone #ftm hrt #femaletomale #femaletofabulous

[echoesofcanons]

Fuck Father’s Day

I want to talk about Father’s Day. I did this two years ago on a different site. Apparently every few years I need to write this out. That’s fine. It’s a lot better than living it. My father hit me when I was a kid. Not spankings; though I’m against those as a parenting technique, that’s not what I’m talking about here. I mean he hit me like I was a grown man in the military when I was a small girl of 9. A short list of the worst stuff is pretty awful, but just recall as you read that this doesn’t cover a tenth of what he did. He picked me up and threw me so hard into a bookcase that I bounced off and still had enough force to go through my closet door. It dislocated my shoulder. He punched me in the chest so hard I fell onto the ground. It hurt for a week. He kicked me while I was running up the steps away from him; it was a kick so forceful that it lifted me two steps, where I again sprawled on the ground. I had trouble sitting down in school for a while after that. I can’t count the number of times he slapped me upside the head. He threw a wrench at me twice, once at my legs (I think that one was throwing it aside in anger and he didn’t mean to hit me, but no pass on that) and once at my head. He missed both times. Sometimes I wish it had hit me. Then I’d at least have a scar to point to. Then I think about traumatic head injuries and shudder; no, I don’t wish it had hit me after all. Thinking on that makes me think about how close he came to doing that, and I get angry and afraid and depressed all over again. This is to say nothing of the emotional abuse, the racism, homophobia, misogyny and transphobia I endured on a constant basis. It says nothing of the times he threatened to kill me with the words “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.” (It’s a Bill Cosby quote.Bill Cosby was thought of as a parenting role model for a long time. I never liked Cosby growing up. I didn’t know anything about him being a rapist. I just knew my Dad liked him and that he joked about killing his son on the show.) Threatening to throw me out of the house to live on my own was so mild by comparison that it didn’t even register as abuse until much, much later. He never hit my younger brother or my even younger sister. He was disgusting about women and weight, so both of them got plenty of abuse of their own, but no on else got hit.  Into that reality, I realized around 10 or 11 that I wanted to be a woman. Not exactly that, at the time; I just knew I identified more with female characters, and I wanted to dress in women’s clothes. I thought I was sick. Being raised in a Catholic family can do that to you. You think their sickness and vileness in hating people they’ve never met is yours, because it’s all you know.

Even if we’d been atheists, though, my father’s rage towards me combined with his sexualization of every female comic book, cartoon, and novel character I was interested in who was female made me terrified. He was hitting me already. What would hitting look like combined with sexualizing? I didn’t know. I thought maybe rape. What he did was awful; what I imagined he would do, as a creative young woman and a writer fully capable of imagining the worst, was even more terrifying.

When I first started sleeping with a man, in what I thought was a gay relationship but was, counter to my then limited understanding, a straight one, I insisted we keep it quiet from my both of my parents. I meant my father. I was worried he’d hurt me. Worse, I was worried he’d hurt the guy fucking me. Even though that guy was a rich asshole who used, hid, and shamed me, he didn’t deserve my father’s fury. No one did. But I got it. I hadn’t worried when I’d slept with a woman for the first time a few months before that. I didn’t tell him about that either, but that was because I couldn’t bear to hear him talk about it. I couldn’t bear that he would be proud of me, but for all the wrong reasons. It would dirty what she and I had shared. Again, that was a gay sexual experience. I couldn’t even frame it that way. The idea of being a woman, of being who I really was? That was unthinkable. That was too dangerous to even contemplate. So I didn’t.

I don’t talk to him anymore. I held back from considering transitioning until I was 30. That’s the year I realized I was holding back in part because I was afraid of my father. He’d only stopped hitting me when I’d started working out and getting into sports my junior year of high school. When I shoved him back and was clearly ready to punch him at 16, he backed down and never did it again. He was an ex Marine, so I don’t think it was fear. I think he wanted to get some sort of manliness check out of me, perhaps, or was such a bully that he instinctively backed off people who were strong enough to stand up for themselves. Or maybe he was just a coward, and I’m even now giving him credit where it isn’t due. My ex-wife was just like him. I fell into the abuse trap so many childhood abuse survivors do, clinging to a new abuser to escape the old one. She was an abuse survivor too, if she was telling me the truth. It’s hard to tell; she lied about so much, most of which I didn’t find out about until leaving her. I think she was, though. The types of abuse she faced matched her abusive behaviors. He was bad; she was worse. He was an idiot at least, and I knew he was wrong. She hid things so she could shame me for my mental health. Where his abuse was blatant, hers came with the promise that only she would ever love me so much. Where he was violent in rage, she hit me while she was laughing. Where he drove others away, she brought them into the abuse and made mocking me a fun game for others. She gaslit me terribly, so that I still have panic attacks when I lose my keys for a moment because of all the times she would hide my things right before work, or a trip to my family, or interviews, then harangue me about my lapses. Maybe worst of all, she used the fact that I’d shared my deepest secret with her, that I was a woman or at least liked dressing as one, to manipulate me through fear and shame.  I escaped her the same year I cut off contact with him. It was one of the hardest years of my life. I had no job, as I’d been fired for coming out as potentially transitioning soon at work under the pretense of it being for forgetting to call a customer back. It was a crucible of a year. I had a screaming match with my father and mother, walked out on both of them at my brother’s graduation from basic training, and took a year away before speaking to my Mom again after she profusely apologized, acknowledged his abuse, and promised to work on our relationship from the understanding that she had failed to protect me. I’m 34 now. It took me two years after my ex to feel certain enough in myself to transition. I’m two years into electrolysis and a year and a half into HRT. I’ve been mildly assaulted on the street three times, four if you count the old woman who tried to spit on me. I get stared at constantly. People routinely talk about how they’d kill a trans woman, or hurt her, when I’m on the bus. Having a beard and breasts is not something people are willing to let slide. Every time it happens--every damn time--I flash back to my father. I don’t think these people realize how lucky they are that I’ve embraced nonviolence. It wasn’t out of lack of capacity or skill; having an abusive father like mine has meant knowing how to fight lethally while other people were still posturing and swelling their chests. No, it’s not lack of capacity. It was and is a conscious ethical choice.  I’ve chosen to turn my father’s violence, his pain and suffering from his own abusive father, inwards on myself rather than ever let it escape and hurt someone else. Just learning to stand up for myself without the violence he always used has been a trial. I always want to please everyone, and when I’m upset or hurt I either cringe or have to walk away. I’m forever bowing and scraping. I often hate who I am. I often think I’m a violent monster at heart. I try hard to remember that’s his voice, his hate. Father’s Day is a shitty day for me. It’s a shitty day for a lot of people who had abusive men in their lives who dared to call themselves “dad.” If you’re out there reading this and you’re remembering similar terror and pain from a man who was supposed to be your protector and parent, your guardian and loving father, I’m sorry. He might never say it, but I will. I’m so sorry you suffered and you deserved better. So did I. So does everyone with an abusive father. If you’re in it now, please know that it can get better. Please hold on. Don’t kill yourself. I thought about it constantly in those years, and I still do, but I held on and it did get better. It’s still getting better. It’s not that your pain isn’t enough to make death a desirable alternative. It is. It’s that such pain isn’t eternal, and you will be able to escape it if you can just hold on. Please do. It gets better. I’m a happier person today. I’m in several romantic poly relationships with people who treat me with dignity, respect, and gentleness. One of them has been going on for five years now. I have good friends, and I’ve never been closer with several members of my family. My dad isn’t one of them. So fuck Father’s Day. Today’s the day I mourn the life I could have had. Today is the day I hold out hope for those caught in situations like mine. Most of all, today is the day I remember that I was and am a woman strong enough to survive everything he did to me as a little girl, and to still have compassion for the pain he suffered to turn him in to what he was. Compassion doesn’t mean forgetting or forgiveness, but I’m damn proud that I don’t think he’s a monster. He just acted like one. Fuck Father’s Day. Heal where and when you can. Escape when you’re able. Know that you’re worthy of love and affection that isn’t coerced through fear and violence.You’re stronger than he’ll ever be, and you’re beautiful and brave in a way no one who hasn’t suffered like you will ever understand. 

[spidergwenistrans]

I talked about FFS in that other post, but to be completely honest, the biggest source of dysphoria for me, realistically, going right back to my first puberty (though I couldn’t have called it that at the time), is facial hair.

I  hated when it started growing in, and as soon as I thought I could justify it, I started shaving it off, I kept that up consistently for years. Being a part of the scouting group I joined in grade 10 gave me a great excuse too, since we had to be N95 FIT test compliant at all times (not that I ever put one on as a MedVent, other than for the FIT test). I never allowed my facial hair to grow out until I was dating my first girlfriend, after I’d started university, and I couldn’t attend the MedVent meetings, but mostly only because she encouraged it. I was already her beard (though neither of us could admit it), and now I had an actual beard.

After we broke up, I went back to shaving much more consistently until my second summer after starting university, when the coworker I shared a truck with grew out his beard and I gave it a go. After that I started to keep a beard more often than I didn’t, I still shaved for MedVent when required, but 80-90% of the time I had that classic Egg Beard. My ex liked the beard better than a scratchy face, so I had external justification for it, besides the fact that it obscured my face from my own view.

I wasn’t exactly in a great place the months immediately following our break up, I thought I was processing it, but clearly I wasn’t. I don’t think the timing of the break up and me figuring my Gender Shit out was a coincidence either. I think the fact that I was so far into the closet played an important role in the emotional responses and lack thereof which exacerbated things between us. I also think that the break up shook my sense of self up enough that I had to look a little closer inside and started to see the cracks in my reality that I’d been patching over for years.

There were definitely other factors too, I had met some real life actual trans people who were publicly out, I’d seen trans people represented in the media, and not as a joke, I’d taken classes in university about feminist and queer theory, which included discussions about gender. All of these things had been the in the backdrop of my life for about 4 years at that point, but it took the break up to really shake me out of pretending to be who I wasn’t.

So back to the facial hair.

Not long after the break up, I had started growing out my beard in preparation fo the Obi Wan Kenobi cosplay I had planned for comicon that year. The beard got decently long, but good god it was uncomfortable, it was so freaking hot to wear once the sun came out.

At comicon, I bought a straight razor, a part of my plan to ditch the facial hair, probably for good, since I’d be heading to the paramedic program in the fall. At various points in my life before this, I’d toyed with the idea of having all of my facial hair removed with laser and/or electrolysis, just to avoid the hassle of shaving for work, since I really couldn’t see a future for myself that didn’t include being a paramedic in some capacity or other. Funny how I never noticed that that was basically the only part of my future I could imagine.

My sister and I went to comicon on of the days that year (I think it was the 12), I shaved my face that night, for the first time with a straight razor, as you might imagine, I made some mistakes and cut my face a few times. I kept my face clean shaven after that point, and about a month later, on June 11, I looked in the mirror, and with what felt like dread, realised I was not a boy. It really was like that cliche, but so accurate, comparison to looking at an optical illusion, and suddenly seeing the other image.

Once I saw it, I couldn’t unsee it again, even my 24 years of denial couldn’t help me. Almost immediately, facial hair, body hair, and the shortness of my head hair, became massive points of dysphoria to me. Unfortunately, I decided I needed one more boy haircut (though it was indistinguishable in style from “The Lesbian Haircut”) to get me through the summer.

Because I have light skin and dark hair, laser hair removal should be super effective, though I did 4 treatments professionally and really don’t feel that there was much in the way of results. In January of 2019, a few weeks before I came out to my family, or spoke to my doctor about HRT, I went to see an electrologist, for a consultation and to sort of figure out a plan to deal with my facial hair. At that point, I’d been wearing makeup almost every day to school, and washing it off when I got home, trying to hide my beard shadow, though to be honest, that is still mostly unsuccessful in my eyes, though apparently I pass reasonably well sometimes. I’ve had more than 20 hours of electrolysis done at this point, most of it at full cost, though they did invite me onto their much cheaper program for trans patients this fall after college started up again. Unfortunately, before the world fell apart, my classes, clinical placements, and work schedule did not provide a lot of opportunities to grow facial hair out for the required 2-3 days before treatments would be worth attempting. The work has so far been focused on my upper lip, which remains dark with hair, and on my neck, where a lot of the hair grows the wrong direction and causes a lot of issues for my skin, especially with close shaving. It’s so frustrating not being able to continue getting electrolysis done, at least during the school-work-placement cyclone that was my schedule, I knew it would have a definite end, either at the very least school when I would just be working at the coffee shop, or if I got a job as a paramedic, then I would have only one schedule to follow and no more hassles applying for jobs.

But now? Now I don’t know if I can even graduate on time, or what job prospects will be like, since all of the routine testing a document verification for being a paramedic are damn near impossible to get done, I can’t get a fresh TB test, I had to fax a document request to the government, which I don’t even know if it’ll get processed. And nobody knows when anything will return even remotely to normal.

#mine #text #paislee talks about trans stuff #dysphoria #facial hair #paislee's romantic life (or lack thereof) #shaving #blood #quarantine thoughts