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bprdeeznuts · 2 years

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Hellboy Headcanons ❤️ (How Much Drywall Can You Fit In A Bag of Cool Ranch Doritos Before They Notice)

Hellboy

• About 60-70% drywall. At first he just assumes the factory standards for Cool Ranch Doritos have escalated over time. He’s been around as long as Doritos have been around, and like most things, they just don’t make them like they used to.

• For that reason, all the way from 0-50% he doesn’t notice at all. The flavor dust masks the drywall taste enough for him, and his teeth are sharp enough to bite through the drywall texture. He just assumes he got a few dud chips at first, but still assume they are in fact chips and not drywall.

• But when the bad chips outnumber the good, things finally start to add up, and he takes a closer look at the chips.

• He knows it’s drywall. But it’s the best damn drywall he’s had in his life, and a little drywall won’t kill him if supernatural beings can’t either. He finishes the bag.

Abe Sapien

• Immediately notices the second he opens the bag.

• Abe is alarmed straight away that someone would try to give you drywall Doritos, and although he appreciates the thought, he would really really like to know who you got the Doritos from in order to prevent something awful from happening…and keep the medbay as empty as possible for once this week.

• He would be concerned for you when you explain that you got these drywall chips yourself, and advise you that consuming drywall is neither delicious nor nutritious. Not to mention the gastrointestinal blockages and silica poisoning that may result from making a long term habit out of eating drywall.

• After you explain that they were meant for him from the very beginning and you had no intention of eating drywall, just making HIM eat it, he would be quite reasonably unsettled that you would try to do something like this to him. But Abe would do his best to very gently ask you to please not deliberately try to feed him drywall again, or anyone else.

Johann Krauss

• Lmao he can’t eat Doritos to begin with, so he just assumes it’s either an innocent yet sincere gesture or a cruel joke when you offer him a bag of Doritos.He certainly hopes it’s the former.

• He opens the bag after you insist he does, and just. Looks at the poorly disguised chip-shaped triangles of drywall covered in flavor powder. He KNEW something was up with the bag even before it had been opened.

• Johann realizes that you had spent time out of your day cutting up drywall into chip-sized pieces, mixed them in with Doritos, carefully re-sealed the bag to make it look like it had never been opened in the first place, and bought the materials to do so with your own money to begin with.

• But you made one fatal oversight that revealed your plan to him the second the bag was placed in his hands. It was the amount of chips. The bag was full of both the original contents and the new drywall chips, which left no room at the top for the sizable pocket of air that all chip bags come with.

• Trying to give drywall Doritos to the only man in the BPRD who is physically unable to eat or taste food is not severe enough of a misconduct to report to Manning.

• But yes. He does think you are very stupid.

#hellboy headcanons #hellboy 2004 #hellboy ii: the golden army #hellboy x reader #abe sapien x reader #johann krauss #johann krauss x reader #hellboy #abe sapien #john myers #hellboy 2019 #drywall #cool ranch #doritos #cool ranch doritos

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scholastic-dragon · 2 years

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Lurking in the Dark

Chapter 4: A Warm Welcome

Warnings: none

Liz watched the cameras with bated breath, watching as the shapes moved across the screens.

"I'm sure they're fine," John comforted, giving her a small smile. But she didn't turn her head in acknowledgement.

"You saw how big that thing was, John." She shook her head, eyes fixated on the screens. "And you know how HB is, I don't want him to get cocky and try to fight it,"

"Agent Sherman?" Johann's voice came through her comms.

"Yes?"

"We found where Agents Granites team was attacked and we found a possible suspect,"

"A suspect? That deep in the sewers? Who-" Liz's brow furrowed, finally pulling her eyes away from the screens to look at John. He had a similar confused expression.

Before Liz could answer, the Agents outside of the truck started to talk louder, rushing around outside.

John and Liz stood, opening the truck doors and seeing Red and Abe approaching the truck. They were covered in sewer water and mud, but uninjured.

"Oh thank god...." Liz happily mumbled under her breath.

"Hey, Babe!" Red raised his stone hand, waving with a happy smile. "Guess who we found!"

He moved to the side allowing the others to see past him. Walking with a tote bag tossed over their shoulder was Ryan.

Liz laughed, rushing out of the truck towards the three of them. Ryan laughed, dropping her tote bag and picking up Liz in a big hug.

"Ryan! It's so good to see you!" She happily laughed, embracing her old friend.

"Oh, Lizzie, I missed you too," Ryan purposefully spun them around so she could look at Red. They smirked, wrapping their arms tightly around Liz's back, holding her close. Ryan winked.

Red rolled his eyes, stepping forward.

"Wait, what were you doing in the sewers anyway? I thought you were taking a break from missions and investigating stuff?" Liz pulled away, still smiling. Red came up behind her, wrapping an arm around her waist.

"It's a long story, but short version, I live there," Ryan's smile fell, putting their arms on their hips.

"You live in the sewers? How-"

"Convenient." Johann came around the side of the building. He had come to the surface before Red and Abe and yet had just rejoined the group. "Now, let's all get back to HQ, we have some tests to run,"

The disdain was thick in his automated voice as he heavy stepped past all of them. Liz glanced at Ryan, then at Red.

"You're staying with us?" Liz asked.

"Yup, just for a little bit," Ryan picked up their tote bag, slinging it over their shoulder and walking towards the truck. The others followed close behind. "The boys practically begged me to help them with the case, and I have nothing better going on,"

"Hey, I did not beg," Red corrected, squinting and holding up a defensive finger. "I asked, politely,"

Both girls giggled at that, not turning to meet his eye.

"Oh, Ryan, this is Agent John Myers," Abe stepped in front of them when they got to the truck. He motion to John who was talking with Johann. "Agent Myers, this is Ryan, an old Agent and friend or ours,"

Johann quickly turned away, walking to another group of agents. John cleared his throat and held his hand out.

"It's nice to meet you," He was shocked by their strong grip.

"You as well,"

"Okay, everyone, load up, we're heading back!" Johann shouted. The agents quickly packed up the weapons, gear, and everything else they had packed.

"Can't wait to see how HQ's changed," Ryan smirked, stepping past John and into the back of the garbage truck.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Damn, this place looks...the exact same," Ryan spun in a circle, looking around the main lobby.

"We changed some things," Liz commented, coming to stand beside them. "Come on, I'll show you to your old room,"

Ryan nodded, adjusting their tote bag and following Liz down the hall.

Red looked to Abe, waiting for him to be done debriefing the other agents. Once the agents had left for the labs, he approached Abe.

"How you doin', Blue?" Abe had a folder in his hands and was reading it and walking to the library. Red stayed right at his side, lighting a cigar.

"I'm well, how about you? I'm assuming you miss be in pain from being dragged in-"

"Not what I meant," Red interrupted, puffing out smoke. Abe glanced at him, closing the folder.

"What did you mean?"

"Oh come on, Blue," Red stopped walking, Abe turned to face him. "The Ryan thing,"

"What Ryan thing?" Red scoffed, glancing around to make sure no one was listening.

"C'mon, Abe. You kissed her,"

Abe sighed, shoulders slumping, turning and walking back to to the library.

"It's wasn't that kind of kiss," At Red's scoff he continued. "We thought we weren't going to get out of that trap, and yes we did kiss, only once, but...it...it..." Abe trailed off, not looking to Red.

"What, was it a friendly kiss?" Red rolled his eyes, following him as closely ad he could with his sore leg.

"Yes, exactly," Abe agreed.

"That was sarcastic, Blue," Red took a large step, coming right up to his side, nudging his shoulder. "You don't friendly kiss someone when you think you're going to die,"

"Maybe you don't," Abe sassed back.

"Fishstick!" Manning rushed down the hallway, cutting off Red's snide remark. "Er, both of you, Mr. Krauss has called a meeting and wants you both there," He was out of breath and panting loudly.

"Alright, let's go see what the gas bag wants," Red rolled his eyes. Manning nodded, turning and rushing down the hall to the meeting room.

Before rushing after Manning, Red turned to Abe.

"We'll continue this conversation later,"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"So, there's got to be another reason as to why you decided to come back," Liz commented, sitting on the edge of Ryan's bed.

The room was small with concrete walls and floors. But instead of it being a square room, it was circular. The left wall was complete stone, and her bed was pushed against it.

The other wall was large glass panes with thick iron frames that lead into a personal pool area.

"You want the truth? I missed you guys, I missed this place," Ryan smiled, looking around at her room.

"You said you're living in the sewers, why?" Liz asked softly, Ryan sighed, sitting next to her.

"My landlord kicked me out, I had nowhere else to go, that's why I accepted, especially with that croc on the loose."

"You know the crocodile?" Ryan cleared her throat, looking forward.

"I don't know know him, he won't talk to me, he's crazy and unpredictable, he even..." Ryan took off their jacket, rolling up the sleeve of their shirt and revealing a large bite mark on their arm.

"Oh..." Liz's eyes widened. Their whole right forearm had large scars going all around it. They were still pink and swollen, only haven recently healed.

"Yeah, that thing's not normal," Ryan's voice was thick, teeth gritted as her fingers ran over the scars.

"I'd have figured with your powers, you'd be able to stop it," Liz raised a brow. Ryan cleared their throat, turning away momentarily to put their jacket back on.

"I did too," Liz opened her mouth to ask another question when her comms device went off.

"Agent Sherman, I'm calling for a meeting in the laboratory with the tooth, please hurry,"

"Guess we better go," Ryan smirked and they both left the room.

Ryan glanced back at their old room, clutching the doorhandle, thinking back to older memories. She sighed, pulling the door shut tight.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Thank you all for coming," Johann said once everyone was in the small lab room. Even though he didn't have eyes, he was glaring daggers at Ryan.

"Is that a tooth?" Ryan mused, leaning forward, hands in her jacket pockets.

"Yes, it came from the huge crocodile in the sewers that attacked Granite and his team," Abe said with a nod.

"The same crocodile that just so happens to live in the same sewer as you, Agent Ryan," Johann hissed, clicking his metallic fingers on the tray in front of him.

"That's strange, crocodiles don't normally loose teeth like this, it looks like it's been pulled out," Ryan stepped forward, picking up the dish the tooth was in. Johann grew irritated that she ignored his statement.

"Wait, what do you mean pulled?" Liz asked, crossing her arms.

"It's not uncommon for animals to loose some teeth if they've been fighting or something, but this is a front tooth, like from right at the edge of the snout, these ones don't just fall out. Also, look at the indent on the side their," She held the dish so the others could see. "There's a small chip there, looks like a knife or something knocked it straight out of the crocs mouth,"

"It's quite peculiar how much you know about crocodiles Agent Ryan," Johann plucked the tooth from their hands and set it back down on the table.

"Well it is kinda in my job description," Ryan mused, earning a chuckle from Red and Liz.

"Pardon?"

"What Ryan means, Sir Krauss, is her powers, she can communicate with animals, and even has some animal abilities," Abe answered, giving Ryan a small smile.

"Animal abilities? Like what?" Johann crossed his arms, lowering his head towards Ryan, prompting her to answer.

"I can breath underwater for an extended period of time, I have excellent hearing, and a sense of smell. And I can grow some limbs or a tail if so desired. And I also have night vision,"

"Hmmm," He uncrossed his arms and peered back down at the tooth. "I believe-"

"Mr. Krauss!" Before Johann could answer, another agent came bursting into the room, he was panting and sweating. "We need you upstairs, sir! Now!"

"Is everythin' alright?" Red asked, glancing at Abe and Liz.

"Uh...I'm not sure yet, but we just need Mr. Krauss up there as soon as possible,"

"Alright, we will continue this meeting tomorrow, you are dismissed," Johann walked around the table and followed the agent down the hallway to the elevator.

"'You are dismissed' what are we teenagers?" Red mocked his accent.

"You acted like one today in the sewers," Abe sassed.

"What? Oh, Red please tell me you did not fight the croc," Liz put her hands on her face, rubbing her temples.

"It attacked me first!" He counted. They bickering back and forth, yelling over each other.

"That's another thing you missed," Abe leaned over to whisper to Ryan, motioning to Red and Liz. "Them,"

"Oh, every couple fights, no big deal," Ryan spoke normally, getting their attention.

"Abe, did you tell her were together? I wanted to tell them about Red and I," Liz playfully smacked Abe's arm.

"Nobody told me it was obvious," Ryan gave a small laugh. "How many years have you guys been together, it must be like 5 now right?"

"5 years?" Red and Liz spoke at the same time.

"You think we've been together for 5 years? No it's only been a few months," Liz shook her head.

"This whole time you've known us and worked with us, you thought we were ready dating?" Red asked. Ryan simply nodded.

"It's was so obvious you guys liked each other,"

"Apparently not to them," Abe whispered to Ryan, both of them laughed for a moment.

"Oh, I missed you guys," Ryan sighed before leaving the room and walking back to their old bedroom.

Red chuckled, taking a step closer to Abe.

"That was funny, Blue. Especially since you're the one telling it, given it's so obvious you like them,"

"Red-" Abe started, not wanting Liz to know.

"Oh come on, Abe. It's so obvious...well to most of us," Liz interrupted with a smile.

Abe sighed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tags: @pheradream15 @glowlite17

#abe sapien x oc #abe sapien #abe sapien x reader #hellboy #liz sherman #johann krauss #lurking in the dark #chapter 4

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