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half-an-hour-hence · 5 months

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Mega long list of OTP questions about Jamiemalcolm

1. Who is the most affectionate?

I think it would probably have to be Jamie, especially towards the beginning of their relationship. PDA is a no, so any display of affection is carried out in the privacy of one of their homes (or very occasionally in the office when no one is around). In particular, Jamie likes to bury his head in Malcolm’s neck when they’re sleeping (Malcolm won’t admit he likes it).

2. Big spoon/little spoon?

Usually the big spoon ends up being Jamie, mainly because Malcolm gets dragged into spooning anyway. Very occasionally it’s the other way around, but only when Jamie is too exhausted to complain.

3. Most common argument?

Outside of whinging about their respective problems with each other in a professional setting, it’s normally about their relationship. Malcolm has several truck loads worth of internalised homophobia, and I’m willing to bet that Jamie has a fair amount of religious trauma on top of his internalised homophobia. So it’s nigh on impossible for them to have a discussion about whatever it is that they are without the whole conversation exploding into an argument almost immediately.

4. Favourite non-sexual activity?

Just being in one another’s company. After all the arguments (with either each other or their colleagues) have died down and they need a minute’s silence so they don’t lose their voices, it’s nice for them to enjoy the fact that they actually have someone to go to when they’re stressed, someone who understands completely the amount of shit they’ve had to put up with and someone who (sort of) knows how to help deal with it. Specific examples include early mornings basking in the pre-dawn silence just holding one another, or working on paperwork in the evenings in Malcolm’s kitchen, sharing a bottle of wine and resisting the urge to rip their respective papers up.

5. Who is most likely to carry the other?

They would never, unless it was a life or death situation - but Jamie would carry Malcolm because he’s practically a string bean and weighs literally nothing. Jamie - on the other hand - is deceptively heavy, despite his lack of height. So Malcolm couldn’t carry him even if he wanted to.

6. What is their favourite feature of their partner’s?

Jamie - my pathetic little guy - would answer simply that he just really likes Malcolm’s face. Like pretty much all of his facial features drive him wild. His eyes and how they can shift, that ice cold stare seamlessly melting whenever they focus back on Jamie, and how it’s so subtle that only he notices. The shape of his nose - nobody will ever know how long he’s stared at the how the moonlight sneaking in through the cracks in the curtains highlight all the bumps and ridges that make it so unique. And his lips. Just thinking about how soft they are makes Jamie’s stomach flip. But if we ask Malcolm, he’d say his favourite thing about Jamie would have to be his intelligence, as well as his ability to manipulate and to scare the living shit out of people. He loves seeing him at work, using his intellect to sort out political problems, and then seeing him whenever they get the opportunity to dip their toes into the waters of domesticity, applying the same logic to everyday problems. (He also really likes his ass, but he’d rather die than admit that out loud. Jamie probably knows though.)

7. What’s the first thing that changes when they realise they have feelings for each other?

I - like a lot of people, I have discovered - think that they began their relationship as more of an ‘arrangement’ - ie, they sleep together one night and decide to keep sleeping together because they enjoy it so much, and then live in denial for some time by telling themselves that it’s just sex and they aren’t gay. Spoiler alert: they are. So when they realise that it’s not just sex but feelings as well, they do the classic thing: they distance themselves away from each other because they’re scared as fuck. I think they figure it out at the same time, so they both try and fool the other by saying they just need some time to themselves.

8. Nicknames? And if so, how did they originate?

Obviously Jamie calls Malcolm ‘Malc’. And any variation of an insult containing the word ‘cunt’ is thrown around when necessary. But I can’t see them using pet names or anything if I’m honest (unless Malcolm calling Jamie a gremlin counts).

9. Who worries the most?

Malcolm. He’s paranoid as fuck that someone will catch him and Jamie. They’ll be in bed or something and the floorboards will creak slightly outside the door, and Malcolm will sit bolt upright and say some ominous shit like ‘they’re in the house’, and Jamie will roll over half asleep to tell him to ‘stop fretting, you fucking maniac, it’s three in the morning. It’s probably just some demon coming to drag your miserable prune-like husk of a body down to hell. Now shut the fuck up before I shove a fucking lamp down your throat.’

10. Who remembers what the other one always orders at a restaurant?

Malcolm, because he has impeccable memory and Jamie can’t even remember what he had for breakfast in the morning.

11. Who tops?

Listen. It really depends. I personally think that it was Jamie for the longest time, because a) he got a kick out of reducing Malcom to jelly, and b) Malcolm asked for it, and Malcolm Tucker begging to be fucked was NOT something Jamie was going to pass up on. But after a while - and a lot of nagging from Malcolm - they switched, and THAT was arguably better (mostly due to the absolutely delicious sounds Jamie makes). So in conclusion, they switch.

12. Who initiates kisses?

Again, depends. If it’s purely romantic, then it’s usually Jamie. If it’s with sexual intent in mind, then it could be either.

13. Who reaches for the other’s hand first?

You know what? Honestly I think Malcolm. In regards to their relationship, I think hand holding would predominantly be a sign of reassurance, rather than being necessarily affectionate. For instance, during the trial, when Malcolm went back home and Jamie was waiting for him, they actually managed to have a conversation about it in the kitchen sitting around the table. Malcolm kind of subconsciously reached for Jamie’s hand for support then, because he really didn’t want to lose his job or go down.

14. Who kisses the hardest?

Sober? Jamie. After a few drinks? Malcolm. I’m right.

15. Who wakes up first?

Malcolm. In the early days of their relationship, he would wake up early to get out of the house before Jamie woke up because he was neck deep in denial and scared shitless. But now when he wakes up early he just goes downstairs to make coffee and read the paper until he hears Jamie’s fuck-off loud alarm to go off.

16. Who wants to stay in bed just a little longer?

It takes about half an hour for Jamie to wake up after his first alarm goes off. He can’t resist pressing the snooze button, especially in the winter when it’s fucking freezing and the bed’s so warm. Eventually Malcolm gets annoyed by the sound of the alarm so he rips the duvet off of Jamie and tells him to get up.

17. Who says I love you first?

Jamie. It’s not something that he hadn’t planned; he works in politics - half of his job is to know how to not let things slip out unexpectedly. He organises it so he says it on one of the rare occasions where he and Malcolm have the same day off, just in case those three words are enough to finish the old fucker off, and so that he would have the entire day to acclimatise to the fact that someone actually loves him. It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that Malcolm did look as though he was having a heart attack after it was said, and Jamie was correct in predicting that he needed the rest of the day to take it in. It wasn’t said back immediately - in fact it took Malcolm a few more months to reciprocate the sentiment - however the most important thing was that Jamie meant it.

18. Who leaves little notes in the other’s lunch? (Bonus: what does it usually say?)

I think they both do, which is why Malcolm and Jamie eat their lunches far away from everyone else’s prying eyes. The content of the notes depends on how their evening/morning went. Sometimes they contain the most outrageous combination of expletives ever read by another human being, but on rarer occasions they read something along the lines of, ‘hope your day isn’t too shitty - but if it is you can slag off the useless cunts when you get back’.

19. Who tells their family/friends about their relationship first?

They don’t. They both reckon it’s too dangerous to explicitly mention that they’re seeing each other, even to their own families. However, they have told their loved ones (Jamie’s whole extended family plus a few mates, and Malcolm’s sister, brother-in-law, their kids and his mother) that they are dating someone, just to put them all out of their misery. The only person who actually knows about their relationship is Sam, Malcolm’s PA.

20. What do their family/friends think of their relationship?

Everyone is happy that both Jamie and Malcolm are dating someone. They - as most people do - tend to ask rather intrusive questions, which both take great care to answer incredibly vaguely. Malcolm’s mother keeps asking him when he’ll get married, a question that he wilfully ignores. Sam tends to smile knowingly at them whenever they walk by together, which Jamie severely dislikes.

21. Who is most likely to start dancing with the other?

I really have no clue as to why, but I think Malcolm would secretly enjoy a bit of slow dancing. But he only allows himself to ask Jamie to dance when he’s had several drinks. These attempts are only successful if a) they are completely alone, and b) Jamie has had at least twice the amount of alcohol that Malcolm has. Therefore, it’s not exactly the best dancing in the world (Malcolm is able to keep his composure, but Jamie CANNOT stop tripping over his own feet) but they are able to have a laugh about how ridiculous it is.

22. Who cooks more/who is better at cooking?

Malcolm cooks whenever he has the opportunity to, however most of the time he’s too busy. It’s a skill he was taught by his mother, and when he was younger he would always find the time between study sessions to cook or bake with her. Now, though, he’s forced to order takeaway most days because otherwise he won’t have the time to deal with DOSAC’s latest cock-up. Jamie has never even attempted to cook anything in his life, and likely never will.

23. Who comes up with cheesy pick up lines?

Jamie, but he only uses them ironically and at times when Malcolm can’t possibly perceive it as unironic.

24. Who whispers inappropriate things in the other’s ear at inappropriate times?

Again, most likely to be Jamie. Inappropriate notes, one or two whispered prepositions during a gathering, that kind of thing. I mean, you all saw him in Rise Of The Nutters. Say what you like about that gesture in the meeting meaning to be directed towards Julius, but there was no rational explanation for that suggestive eyebrow waggle towards Malcolm other than homosexuality.

25. Who needs more assurance?

Professionally, neither need assurance about anything, and quite frankly would be offended if anyone offered any. However, in regards to their relationship, Malcolm definitely needs assurance that they’re not going to be caught and ridiculed by the press.

26. What would be their theme song?

Not so much of a theme song for their relationship, but a song I associate with both of them as individuals is Evil Eye by Franz Ferdinand. It just reminds me of the way they work, and implies their respective ruthlessness.

27. Who would sing their child back to sleep?

I’m sorry but I genuinely cannot fathom them having kids. But I think if they were babysitting or something Jamie would be forced to sing the kid to sleep. Malcolm would then subsequently take the piss out of him for the foreseeable future.

28. What do they do when they’re away from each other?

The only time they don’t see each other is when they’re visiting their families. Jamie tends to take one or two trips a year up to Scotland for a few days to Motherwell where most of his family lives. It usually involves quite a lot of outdoor activities, movie nights and screaming kids wherever he goes. Although it’s not exactly relaxing, he does enjoy spending time with his family. Malcolm sometimes goes to his sister’s house for dinner, where the same thing happens every time; he tries (and fails) to talk to his nephew (14) as he plays on his PlayStation, rants about the state of the government to his sister and her husband, and ends up taking about twenty of his niece’s (5) drawings home (he then picks the best ones and puts them on his fridge). Neither Jamie nor Malcolm has these family gatherings happen at around the same time, so they also spend the night alone in their respective homes until the other comes back.

29. One headcanon about this OTP that breaks your heart

I’m not sure why, but I’m convinced that at some point Malcolm has a stress induced heart attack after a particularly heated shouting match, and after he’s shut himself up in his office. Nobody hears him collapse, and it’s Sam who discovers him lying on the floor, dead. She phones an ambulance and they managed to get his heart beating again, but for the next few days it’s not entirely clear whether he would survive or not. While this is happening, Jamie’s going out of his fucking mind with fear, his temper worse than ever at work. He spends his evenings by Malcolm’s bedside, too worried to do anything except stare at his comatose body. Of course, Malcolm pulls through eventually, but GOD this makes me think about the opportunity for exploring explicit emotional turmoil for Jamie and learning about how much their relationship actually means to him.

30. One headcanon about this OTP that mends it

I don’t think they got married - I don’t even think that they got eloped (mostly due to not wanting the public/press to find out about their relationship). But what did happened was that Jamie brought them wedding rings as a joke and they just started wearing them, initially as a diversion tactic so that people would stop trying to make assumptions about their personal lives, but it eventually grew into a symbol of their love for each other. After a few drinks at home one weekend, Jamie suggested that they could do a fake ceremony - and so they did (all the while hideously drunk and unable to stop giggling as they tried to put the rings back on each other’s fingers). So they aren’t technically legally married, but they are to themselves and to everyone at work. They take the rings off when visiting family so they don’t get verbally harassed about not being invited to the wedding.

#malcolm tucker #jamie macdonald #the thick of it #ttoi #malcolm x jamie #otp headcanons #jamiemalcolm

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