#ive hate watched and read things myself but not smth that makes me this fucking angry
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AAAAH forever stress is going to kill me one day
#the bin#i hate knowing why i feel so bad and not being able to do anything about it#im scared that ill never ever feel better. its been so long since i felt ok. im worried that ill make friends and still feel horrible all#the time and it wont matter. i cant keep doing this. im so tired of being all alone. im so tired of the constant inescapable dread#im going to figure something out. in a month ill be moved and i can start figuring everything out then#i hate not being able to focus on anything besides how bad i feel. i cant enjoy anything. theres so many shows i wanna watch but i cant#because im so distracted by this. theres so much manga i wanna read and i cant.#literally the ONLY thing that has been able to make me temporarily forget this for any amount of time is dungeon meshi#its so fucking good and it sparks so much joy that it does help but not enough. i get sad again really fast.#well. im trying really hard to manage my stress. i did the math on how much i should be getting. i know that i will have rent at least.#there are 2 weeks that i dont know what my hours will be but assuming i get 13 hours at least then i should have an ok amount for#moving. its possible theyll be worse and its possible theyll be better. im really hoping theyre better. my hours have been SO BAD recently#i dont know why. i know im not bad at my job or anything. i sont think my manager dislikes me either. he does this whenever someone#hasnt been feeling well and hell do it for a couple weeks and i think its him trying to be considerate but i have bills to pay man#technically there is a shift i could pickup but the store has a drive thru so im nervous to bc idk how that works and if im asked to do that#then ill have no idea so ive been avoiding taking any shifts like that#hopefully enough will pop up in the coming weeks and i can get some more hours. i know i can cover moving vehicle cost but idk how much#gas is gonna be so im suuuuper worried abt that. hhhh. hopefully my sister and her boyfriend can get me back the $300 they owe too#honestly idk how they werent able to afford rent but immediately after they were able to afford a 40 hour roadtrip and yimw off work#whatever. it doenst matter.#i wish i could deal with the other stuff messing me up rn but i cant fix the loneliness thing without not being alone and i cant fix that#it doesnt matter how much i tell myself ill make friends eventually or if i believe it or not. i feel bad because ive gone way too long#not hanging out with anyone and my brain cant handle it.#im gonna see if maybe i can play a game with my sister soon. or maybe i couod play smth with my younger sister even#i pkayed roblox with her for a little while. maybe she would want to again. i miss her :(
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Getting real on main here bc I'm kinda tired of keeping everything in my head so I'm gonna ramble for a bit bc my blog my posts
Starting to realize more and more i don't know how to interact with people and im kinda starting to wonder if im neurodivergent or if im socially anxious
It's not just I don't know how to interact socially it's more like I don't know how to react in social so I end up mimicking what other ppl do in order to not get a negative reaction/keep up the convo in a natural way. I find I do it more online bc I have time to think about what I do+look back on messages and I end up being so paranoid about what I say or how my messages could get construed differently or how people could negatively react. Maybe it's more that I'm extremely prone to overthinking stuff but either way it makes me feel miserable sometimes, like I can't open up ever and most of the time I end up not opening up. I'm afraid of negative reactions and criticism bc I'm so prone to criticizing others myself. Also i grew up having most of my stuff (achievements, work, expressed thoughts) being reacted to with either neutral reactions or criticism on the basis of humility. Whoa that just got deep lol. Anyways after typing all of this out I feel like my issue mostly lies with my fears of being seen in a negative way or being disliked after saying something so I just end up. overthinking every single thing I want to say or not saying anything at all or both. It's wild how afraid I am of receiving any remotely negative feedback bc the moment I do I'll take to heart way too much and beat myself up over it!! Itll all I focus on and then I'll pick apart every single thing I ever did or said and make myself feel even more miserable!! I'm perfectly capable of discerning when something is my fault just. not when im talking to someone.
Tangent but since I'm here rambling already ill talk abt it and also kinda related. I never feel comfortable enough venting abt my life to close friends bc a) I'm seen as the functional one in the group; b) it seems everyone else's problems are bigger than mine and c) I'll feel like I'm complaining for no good reason mostly bc of a). I did have someone in my friend group say "what do u have to complain abt u have a functional family lol" once and that hurt. And that's why I never share anything anymore lol!!! Bc everyone I know says my life is perfect but a lot I wish I weren't me and I feel so trapped. It's gotten better bc I have been in situations b4 where I vented during really bad situations but I still don't rlly. And the fact that I only feel ok with venting in situations/with feelings that, in my mind, constituted as on par with other people's issues or of a certain level severity that was worth sharing and wouldn't face backlash for is. fucked up to say the least I think. Sometimes I think social media has played a role in fostering this idea bc of ppl constantly comparing and trying to 1-up others with their struggles. or ppl usinh catastrophic world events to go to other ppl saying "ur life will never be as bad as that so suck it up"
Uh anyways I think the neurodivergent part mostly bc i get uncomfortable when I'm not doing something and I can't really stand not doing smth. Ive seen some posts of neurodivergent people (esp posts abt adhd/ppl with adhd talking abt it) and kinda find myself relating to stimulation issues to a degree? I hate not doing anything productive eg drawing, writing. Sometimes I can't even stand just watching tv or reading bc sometimes I don't feel involved enough. If I'm interested in a piece of media I'll binge it for a couple of days and then the next day I'll feel nothing at all for it. Like idk maybe I'm thinking too hard and I don't actually know what I'm talking abt but at this rate I'd rather be wrong while try to explore this/put it into words then keep everything to myself just because I'm afraid of getting backlash or whatever from the 3 real people and 20 pornbots that follow me. Chances are this post wont receive any attention like literally anything else I've ever posted except it not getting attention will be what I want haha.
Tldr I'm just tired of trying to please people and bottling stuff up just bc I want ppl to like me and bc I don't want to burden others. I want to open up and have actual social interactions where I'm not overthinking everything I do. And I'm posting this to prove to myself that I'm going to change and get over it.
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Aight this is the second time I watch it but I'm gonna do a commentary on the latest bad's lore stream! Just for funsies, I might have honestly already forgotten some stuff so I wanna keep my thought process :3 let's go, commentary under the cut.
There's also some small theories/analysis in some points but nothing too much, just me rambling cause pain.
The pre stream song. Faster and Bad never change please.
I love so so so much the ominous soundtracks he puts as background for lore man it's just so coooool.
Reality check pre/post lore my beloved 💜
that little meh eh eh. is everything
he's just on a boat at night and but can already see he's got shaders on, this means PRETTY VISUALS AHEAD. Also i really like bits beginning with the character alone heading towards their destined direction, it's just pleasing
HIM TAKING DOWN ANTI EGG POSTERS. KING SHIT
Can't believe I got to hear "muffinhead" in lore voice.
Not even inside the room and HOLY SHIT they covered it all with the red bricks block IM AAAAH IT'S SO PRETTY. Like before the vines were all put at random but now they're neatly placed and it's actually aesthetically pleasing? I love it
DANCEFLOOR DANCEFLOOR DANCEFLOOR
The table. is . so. is so . it's so prebby,,, help like i'd live there man
Bad being overwhelmed by the egg's voice and lowkey scared. FINE IM FINE
No other choice. And the way he repeated it like a mantra? Kind of like to convince himself? AHHH
SKEPPY. SKEPP
small,, small egg staircase
haha fuckign pain. p a i n. just pain it sounds a lot like Skeppy before actually stayed with Bad cause it annoyed him how much he wanted to hang out like old times,,,,, my heart pangs
IM JUST WORRIED ABOUT YOU
I CARE ABOUT YOU *passes out*
bad scared the egg is skeppy's bff now /j (have to joke through the pain,,)
BADBOY i swear to god he knows his audience. he just does.
Bad doing whatever he can to even just hang out a few minutes with skeppy. Bro, the tears inside
"I'm comfortable right here." "Skeppy I know you are-" THE WAY BAD'S VOICE BROKE HERE HOLY SHIT LEMME CLIP IT.
He talks to chat. HE TALKS TO CHAT THIS MEANS WE ARE CANON THUS we are either little angels or demons around him or a mix or, we're particles that make up Rat ♥
"All of this is for him" okay stab me next time it'll hurt less
BADBOY STARTING TO BE CONFLICTED BECAUSE HE NEVER HAS A FUCKING BREAK
s- w- skeppy kept the egg alive? okay so ive been thinking about the fact that skeppy became completely red and like wow what if it kinda is that hes literally become a small part of Egg? like, i wonder if someone breaks it, if he feels pain
Skeppy so dry with his responses. stop i will cry
bad. bad why are you bringing up selfies to a lore stream bad-
"why are you still talking to me" "okay..." stop stop PLEASE STOP-
smol growls, he's getting frustrated
idk why but skeppy talking about the perimeters made me laugh it was just funny how far away he was and just started talking about it randomly
"i think it looked a little bit better before" thoughts being thunk
"what's it gonna take for you to stop talking to me?" literally i am deceased s t o p
STOP STEPPIN ON THE MAGMA BLOCKS SIR YOU'RE HURTING
Bad shouldn't be so happy about just having "one last walk around" with skeppy so he "stops bothering" him tHIS HURTS SO MUCH the egg has fucked them up so much
Skeppy doesn't hear it huh? Maybe it whispers different things to everyone
"I like how it feels" nooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO STOP HURTING TOURSELF
so no dance? *slams phone on the ground*
When skeppy says his line about never seeing anything close to a party there, idk what it is about it but his tone just hits, man he's so good preesh
HE CALLED HIM ANT. BAD PLS YOUR BEING BAD AT NAMES IS SHOWING
"Oh my goodness you're going back to the egg" HE'S SO SAD. HE'S SO SAD CAUSE HE COULDNT KEEP HIM WITH HIM A LITTLE BIT LONGER HES S
"you know what? i invite you" i wanna read this in a certain way. The egg was feeling like bad was so frustrated he started doubting the egg, so it was like alright let's use skeppy to get it closer to I can manipulate this bad boy better :)) motherfuck
are they about to kiss-
egg cockblocker
"okay don't come back" end me rn
ngl when sapnap joined I got real scared for a moment.
"it's not about power! it's nor about control! i'm you friend skeppy!" "I mean ... you can think that" FUCK U NO IM NOT DEALING WITH THIS RN
"We're friends, right?"
"In your head we can be best friends, we can be whatever you want" BDI ANYONE??????? also whatever- whatever he wants? :eyes: okay sorry no ill see myself out
"We're m- we are friends sk-" M- MARRIED WAS HE GONNA SAY MARRIED DID HE PULL A QUACKITY OH MY GOD I HATE THIS GUY OH MY GOD /pos but also like in a bawling my eyes out way
the egg is more than just a friend? skep u good there pal do u have smth to tell us
"You don't know what it's like." OH HERE HE GOES. HERE HE GOES HERE IT COMES OH NO.
The way Bad stutters i really thought he was gonna say something REALLY IMPACTFUL
"I have done so much for you, for our friendship and now you're trying to tell me we're not friends anymore?" LEAVE ME ALONE
I JUST CAUGHT THE BLOOPER HE SAID ON ME INSTEAD OF HANG OUT WITH ME IM CRYING OH MY GOD BAD HOW DID U FUCK THAT UP oh my god I imagine him mentally going like oh my gosh out of all the things that could be messed up THAT WAS SO FUNNY
ahaha my dads are fighting help
"You think you've done anything? You seriously think that?" *looks at my fic where bad feels worthless because the egg said so* ahah... I'm sorry?
"You left me for a long, long long time before you even checked up on me, okay?" he's not wrong,,,, he's not wrong why does this hurt sm,,,,, "and now all of a sudden you care about me?" OH MY GOD PLEASE I HATE THIS EGG
I see them... i see them approaching the lava blocks..
"the past doesn't matter" the egg wanting to erase their relationship so much,,,, i wanna cry because then if bad doesn't have skeppy he just has nothing right and then,,, then he can be another empty vessel for the fucking egg I hate this mI hate this so much
Also!!! little things I noticed!! Bad taking away part of the vine and also mining a red block? Without being affected at all? MHHHH
"I just wanted us to hang out like we used to" BAD'S VOICE CRACKING AGAIN STOP I WILL CJRYSD
"I did all of this for you and I didn't want the egg to take that away" you see how fucking tragic this is. Like Skeppy sacrificed himself so his friend could stop being infected. Bad sacrificed literally the whole server himself included to get him back. And then it comes down to this. The egg separating them a thousand fucking miles away. I hate this it's so sad
the selfish bit please no stop
THE LAVA BAD THE LAVA PLEASE IT'S TOO CLOSE
the fucking shaking with rage thing got me BROOOO I LOVE WHEN BAD DOES THE LITTLE THINGS IN GAME
"IT'S JUST A STUPID EGG" FUCKING FINALLY YOU TELL HIM BAD but then oh no oh no would you look at that huh. cant fucking have shit in dsmp. the way he immediately just screams for him right after
YOU CAN HEAR THE TEARS IN HIS VOICE and also mine hi I'm sobbing again
BDI FUCKING CANON LET'S GOOOOOOO WE CALLED ITTTT
(Dreamscape?)Skeppy being actually concerned with him haha this doesn't hurt at all!!!
*stares at black screen* I'm fine.
Thank you for listening to my ramble I am hurting so much bestie
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toffee!
ah yeah, i think quarentine has given people some opportunity to actually just sit with the person they are, rather than be rushing around for the person they want to become. its good you got smth good out of isolation! ah thats great! hope you had fun and ur partner in crime speeds back home so you can get out more hehe.
ah yeah ty, good suggestions.
hmm good point, i was sort of putting it separate to the whole not-sexualising thing, but yeah. mmm yeah i totally agree, some of the enhypen fics/imagines *shudder* and even reading innie stuff is just a bit *icky* cos everyone still thinks of him as our agi ppang. yeah def would be good but sadly this just seems to be the world we live in. :(
ah yes the holy masterlist (not sarc) i have actually read in the rain and gladius maximus before, but ill go look for in class! oooh thats good! character development lol. hmmmm yes champagne problems was the angst to end all angst, that shit hurt. it was actually one of the first of your fics i read and i recall almost crying over the whole thing, it was so heartbreaking, i can see how it almost made you want to drop angst. good that youve allowed yourself some lee-way tho :)
hehe thats so cool. okay here we go, ill try not to be mortally offended (/hj)
cheese - yes same, i liked it but that was all there was, it wasnt a super standout track. it was rlly underwhelming for me but some of the hook is super catchy so there is Redemption (tm) in store for cheese maybe
thunderous - mmm, yeah at first i totally agreed, i think they suffer from too much good music syndrome, that all their other tracks are such fucking bops its hard to stay at that level of perfection. the choreo was beautiful tho and tbh, the track has grown on me since ive been watching all the vids abt it. its my brothers favourite track
domino - YES GODAMMIT IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE TITLE TRACK. the raps, the vocals, the vibes, the fucking domino sound in the back? i would have streamed that shit on repeat. but tbh, as good as it is, it doesnt have that sort of grandness/oomph that skz seems to like in their title tracks so i can see why they chose thunderous (tho domino would have been so good) *sigh*
ssick - yeah same, not my fave track by a long mile, the crowd cheering was a ?strange? choice and the chorus was a bit bare/empty, plus like i mentioned earlier, it was kinda funny to me for some reason but ill still play it if im playing thru the whole album
the view - ahh one of those not like other girls (/j) i honestly think its just a good party song, just a bop to play in the background when nobodys rlly paying much attention. its pretty generic pop music but catchy
sorry, i love you - hehe yeah i thought it was going to be sadder as well, but i rlly loved the fact that they all just got to sing, which almost never happens, i dont think ive heard felix sing for a long time, so i enjoyed it. wasnt rlly a standout track but i just casually like it. looking forward to the fic haha
silent cry - this song i swear, some bits are rlly good and then others are just? why?? it does sound like a dance song tho idk. definitely not one of my faves either
secret secret - YES its so good! its such a chill song and i love their vocals in it. the combination of lo-fi/fake strings backup stuff and their heavenly vocals just makes it *chefs kiss* im listening to it rn and just... its so beautiful. it gives me pumped up another day vibes ya know? like my pace is edgy get cool, this one is energetic another day i feel like. overall i love it
STAR LOST - ah thats so cool! i didnt know that! on first listen this song had a similar vibe to secret secret but then the beat came in and ahh its such a good song. i can totally imagine them putting this song to a concert footage vid, this song is so sweet.
red lights - LMAO YES ITS SO AWKWARD WHY DOES IT GO ON FOR SO LONG ah thats good! yeah good point, its quite intense hehe. but that is my fave trope and this is lowkey my favourite track on the album so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ just the combination of hyunjins and chans voices, the backing music, the lyrics ahh red lights my beloved
surfin’ - yes lmao its always a shock, i feel like they should have put gone away in between them, but its such a fun cute song, i cant get rlly mad. yeah, as an aussie i think im contractually obligated to like beaches lol. sand im not such a fan of, but my familys rlly into fishing and my brother loves bodyboarding so we stay at a beach house at least twice a year and we live like 5 mins from 3 different beaches (hehe all aussie cities are on the coast lol) so thats cool. do you like beaches?
gone away - ah gone away my beloved, i love this song sm, its just so pure and showcases their vocals and lyrics so well. yes the pitch change is very out of the blue, i feel liek they went directly from seungmins soft vocals to hans powerful ones which was an interesting choice, but hey, im not complaining
wolfgang - YES IKR ah im so happy he got to be included in that era and song. yeah its such a full on song i cant rlly listen to it if im in a quiet mood but its very motivating :)
hehe mood, i hope they do! ahhh no rest, but at least you wont have to pull a blink and wait a year for any word from the group lol. im not rlly into nct but im excited for them! ah hopefully youll be able to sneak some rest into that chaotic schedule, with enhypen (idk if u stan but yeah) squeezed into it haha
<3 w.a. 🐺
i wheezed at partner in crime, it reminded me of smth. i have a lee know fic in the drafts that i wrote 'in honor' of him (and his departure-ish). i'll tag you when i finish it, if you want. it's a rather hilarious one.
oh my god. based on my experience on the collabs i've joined before, writing explicit shit for '01 & '02 is not accepted (nct's maknaes) but with enha's hyung line '01 & '02 somehow it's okay? i do a double take every time i see fics like those i mean, technically, it's legal but still what the fuck. maybe it's just not for me at the moment. not at us venting our frustration about this. it's just something that's so accepted here that i am (in all honesty) slightly uncomfortable about. but oh well. that's kpop writerblr for you.
man i could've linked all the fics in the ask instead so you wouldn't have to go looking for them! i think i saw you like in class the other day (the fic i renamed into sharp-tongued, god it took me a while to remember the new title). describing champagne problems as an angst to end all angst is one way to put what i was feeling back in december. it just hurt to write and admit?? if that ever happened to me i would prolly cry :d
okay back to the album talk! i love how you answered with more thoughts. i love exchanges like these! i am a victim of the cheese hook and it's now one of my favorite tracks in the album. PLS, TOO MUCH GOOD MUSIC SYNDROME. that's on our self-producing kings 😌💅 also, your brother has taste! as i am typing this, domino's currently playing in my head and i realized that too, that it doesn't have that 'vibe' of a skz title track. honestly, this could be a title track of another group. ssick is starting to grown on me because i found the beats cool kdjsk not the not like other girls 😭 the view is the generic pop that i don't like but i get why a lot of people enjoy it. sorry i love you scratches a certain itch that i find myself singing the first few lines every time i remember it. i too would want to hear felix sing more!
> a mini junction on the album talk bc i got side tracked. on that topic, i want skz to switch positions at some point like i know those allrounders are capable of doing so. specifically, i want to hear seungmin rap!!!! (yk in the recent weekly idol he talked faster than changbin in a challenge and changbin is like the fastest rapper in kpop that's active atm if im not mistaken. my dandy boy has some potential and i want it UNLEASHED.)
back to album talk. silent cry is basically sad music to twerk to. secret secret is definitely one of my favorite tracks :( i loved how you compared the tracks HAJSAH i burst out laughing bc yk what, you're right! i want to make a star lost edit of skz but i simply do not have the time i want to cry. i love the song so much. ok, my dreaded track, red lights. idt i have played the track since we last talked. my friend sent me the lyrics tho and i'm itching to write a twisted au out of it. idk if you're comfortable with yandere but somewhere along those themes. the obsessive type of love that's sweet at first but turns rotten. IMAGINE IF THEY PUT GONE AWAY BETWEEN ASHJA it's like going from 50 shades to the notebook.
i was about to ask if you lived near the coast and you literally mentions it here god im so stupid. yes i LOOOOOOOOOVE beaches so much. living in an archipelago is fun :( i live in a part of the country that's more island than city so every time i want some vitamin sea it's accessible. i heard the waves in australia are great :( anYWHOOO gone away :(( every time it plays im compelled to skip it because it makes me sAD AND NOWADAYS I DONT HAVE THE TIME TO BE SAD. contrary to you, i dislike my quiet moods because i tend to overthink a lot.
i have this little analogy about how there are stays that enjoy songs the generic pop + mellow songs and then there are other stays that enjoy the noisy tracks. in my mind, it's like a perfect balance that makes me feel like all the tracks are loved in the end. just by different people.
PULL A BLINK. bro i fucking hate yg entertainment. they have the biggest kpop girl group LOCKED in their basement when they could be (and i mean this in the most business-like way not morally) milking money of the quad. they're yg's biggest hope at not being bankrupt atm so it's a damn fucking mystery to me as to how they aren't doing anything. (jk i just realized lisa solo album soon, but i still need a ot4 cb hELLO)
i stopped looking forward to the teasers. rest > kpop boys. i don't want to sound like a cult member but have you tried checking out nct? are they just not your thing? (i get it tho, that's one hard group to get into). and yes i do stan enhypen!
wow i love how long these asks are! they're like online penpals. but i also want to ask about you! how have you been lately? are you feeling okay both mentally and physically? how's the weather there? do you have anything that you want to talk about? maybe an interesting book you read? feel free to bring up anything you want to share! i'm getting conscious about talking about myself HAJHSJ
and yet another long answer B) i am sooo sorry T___T should these ask exchanges feel draining to you, feel free to stop sending them in AAAA
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hey bishhh
13. 18 20 23 28 30 & 35 for the asks!! :)))))))))
hi nadia thank uuuu~~ <3<3
13. Do you outline your fics? How much of a headache would someone get if they just looked at an outline of yours without reading the fic?
hahahahahhahhah hhahhhaaaaaa no im stupid i dont do things out of self-preservation. although i DID make a confusing outline for come away to the water bc it was getting to jumbled in my brain. i think its pretty easy to digest but A LOT of it is “ummm and then [someone] does smth stupid but brave”
18. Do you have a WIP that you keep telling yourself you’ll eventually get back to, but deep down you know that’s probably a lie?
mmm i have many wips but tbh i think i will get to them all eventually. there is one in particular that i am in no rush to get to, but i know it will get done. she is a sakura-centric therapeutic piece so i only write it when i am rly rly in need of some self-soothing. i guess thats the closest i can think of
20. What’s your favorite part about the fanfiction writing process?
when it’s been done for a whiiiiile and ive forgotten that i hate it. so i go back to reread/edit and im like ah. this is not as bad as i thought it was
23. What’s your absolute favorite trope to write?
friends to lovers. hostile friends to lovers. ur so fucking annoying i love u sm. this is the vibe for me 100% of the time (also ive written a lot of only-one-bed and im not sorry)
28. How do you deal with writing pressure (ie: pressure to update, negative comments, deadlines, etc)?
yea tbh all the pressure is 100% self-imposed sooooo i just do it lol. challenged myself to write 100k words in feb for no other reason than that i just wanted to do that to myself. but! i did it tho so id say pressure benefits me lol
30. Post a snippet from your current WIP without context - no more than 300 words.
a lil snip from my sakura-centric fic since i already mentioned it:
“You would love the cherry blossoms,” Sakura says, even though she’s not sure at all that he would. She’s not sure of anything about him at all, most days. “You should see them. One day. It’s beautiful to see them in full bloom. The world is pink and easy,” she says, staring out into the trickling stream, following its path down jagged rocks, flanked on either side by violet flowers and dark green shrubs, only to disappear down the horizon and off some other precipice she has yet to explore.
“I have seen it,” he says. She looks at him in surprise, because it is unfathomable to her that her samurai exists outside of this cold country, outside of his iron shell.
“Really?” she asks in disbelief.
“I’ve been watching it for five months now.” Her cheeks are flushed, and she knows it’s not from the nippy air, but it’s easy to pretend it is. They stare at that stream together, watching as the sky turns as pink as her cheeks. As her hair. As the cherry blossoms she knows are blooming back home.
35. How much has writing fic changed your life?
in short: a lot.
lmfao my first foray into writing was with fic when i was like?? 11?? 12?? super young. but it gave me the confidence to explore expression and fantasizing and these r two things that r vvvvv important in my life. without fic i wouldn’t have started songwriting and that is quite literally my career now so!! thank u fanfic
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hi poosie 💞🌺💘 im going w 3 nights by dominic fike; emotional by okaywil; honest by the neighborhood; devil i know by allie x; sweet disposition by the temper trap; very nice by seventeen; moonlight by dhruv; rain by ben platt; home by phillip phillips; just friends by jordy; timebomb by walk the moon; cross my heart by marianas trench; shatter me by lindsey striling; paris is burning by st vincent; arrival of the birds by the cinematic orchestra; nyc girl by the orion experience; relay by fiona apple; dnd by glaive; sympathy by vampire weekend; december 1963 by frankie valli & the four seasons; and step with me by mika.
if ur thinking ‘h what the fuck’ you & i would b thinking the same thing. i kept adding songs bc im like ‘ah shit what if they hate the one i suggested?’ so i added 2 more. and then yk . i kept adding until my spotify app weirdly refreshed and i took it as a sign from god to stfu and finish the list so !!! that’s what i have !!! i hope ur having a lovely lovely day & that u like at Least one on this list 💓❣️💘🌺💞‼️
i’m gonna tell u what i think of each song BUT i’m putting it under a read more lkdhfbf
1. 3 nights: i realized i’ve actually heard this one BUT not the whole song so it’s ok! i like it it’s v chill v vibey it sounds like streetlights reflecting off a wet road <3 (i am incapable of describing songs with adjectives)
2. emotional: the instrument in the background of this is rly cool idk it’s like. it kinda sounds like hitting spoons on a glass but more musical & almost piano like? i rly like it tho, this song sounds like bright colors & peaches :D
3. honest: this one kinda sounds like one of those ones that makes ur brain go brrrr ‼️ its like. laced w something kfjbjsbfksnv musically it’s not rly my thing but i can appreciate it as a song <3
4. devil i know: i only know one allie x song (can’t stop now) so i wasn’t sure what this would sound like but it’s kinda insane??? the background vocals r so cool i love the humming :0 v sexie nd her voice is so beautiful omg
5. sweet disposition: this feels oddly familiar. i don’t think i’ve heard it tho. it kinda reminds me of say geronimo if u know that one? it sounds like adventure kind of, like it could be used in a travel vlog (complimentary)
6. very nice: aju NICE babababdadadabbabda!!!! i’ve heard this one but i don’t mind listening to it again <3 bop banger etc. good vocals amazing horns in the chorus also if u haven’t seen the choreo i would definitely recommend it it’s so fun
7. moonlight: this is so pretty omg 🥺 i got a mental image of like. sitting on top of a car w someone u love & watching a meteor shower on a clear night. very chill his voice is so lovely
8. rain: ben platt’s voice is gorgeous. this is not the type of music i would have expected from him though??? idk he doesn’t seem like the pop music type of person. i think i prefer some of his other music (cough grow as we go cough) but this is a solid song
9.. home: ive heard this but not since i was like 10 so the nostalgia i got from it,,,, :’) home also sounds like a travel vlog song a bit! i think its the oooohhhhhohohohs in the post chorus (?). this song just reminds me of my childhood i used to hear it all the time on the radio sitting in the backseat <3
10. just friends: I HAVE ALSO HEARD THIS BUT IDK WHERE the beginning played nd i was like wait a minute. OH!! its so nice i love how simple the instrumentals are & jordy has a rly pretty voice as well!! the melody is so addictive as well
halfway done! this is fun<3
11. timebomb: bop?? this could be used in the soundtrack to a romcom tv show directed at teenagers (once again. what are adjectives) it reminds me of when shut up and dance came out nd everyone was obsessed with it.. that was a better time i think
12. cross my heart: headbanging songs > the lyrics to this one r a little basic but thats ok not every song has to have deep profound lyrics that make u feel existential. this is certainly a banger yessir. the ending is cool too i love harmonies
13. shatter me: scawy... the imagery in this is insane "i pirouette in the dark" UM?? this sounds like a movie hello. imagine WAI HISNFVNKDNV THE DROP???? THE VIOLIN?????? i litrally just had to interrupt myself that was not an exaggerated reaction. ANYWAYS i was going to say: the movie scene im imagining is like. it keeps cutting between a girl doing ballet in dark, foggy lighting & a fight scene
14. paris is burning: dark alleyways & vintage movies!!! i enjoyed this more than i expected to? im picturing a girlboss character, maybe a spy? in all black & carrying a purse walking down the street. but she has to be wearing one of those black hats w a veil in the front & a flower on the brim, an ankle-length velvety black coat, & heels that go plonk on the cobblestone
15. arrival of the birds: THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL!!!! OMG! blue skies & green grass at a state park!!! i love it so much actually this went in my healing playlist <333 the way it built up in the best way.. tears
16. nyc girl: ok the guitar in the intro??? this is fuckign music truly one of the most songs ive ever heard. the bass fucks as well i rly like this one :D its so catchy im already bopping nd ik later im gonna b going "im gonna make u ma ha hine"
17. relay: the lyrics are so good???? its not a song that id probably listen to very often just bc its musically not my type of thing BUT i respect it a lot. shes obviously a super talented artist like i looked up the lyrics nd apparently she wrote the repeated line when she was 15??? i love what the song is about!
18. dnd: the production on the vocals is a lil bit strange but i like the song itself if that makes sense. its like mitam where the songs r mixed weirdly but i enjoy the songs anyway? i did think for abt a minute that the title referred to dungeons & dragons tho,, also i just looked up the artist and he is ALSO 15 what the FUCK
19. sympathy: the GUITARRRRR omg omgogmomg!! i rly love the whole intro like the first 30 seconds r just *chefs kiss*. OOH bass solo sexyyyyy i love prominent bass :D the instrumentals r really nice too & it reminds me of like. a heist? like a found family of thieves. this song would play as they were breaking into a museum or smth
20. december 1963: GROOVY! simply a fkin tune idk dude like this IS fun nd makes me think of roadtrips during the summer & also of walking along a dock in a harbor under the moonlight. very much floaty yellow dress vibes this song is just a mood booster
21. step with me: domestic. domesticity. thats it. no but the chorus is rly nice omg i like the melody!!! its so cute too the lyrics r so wholesome.. this sounds like an old couple thats been married for 50 years dancing to the radio in their kitchen <333 life goals
#thank u for so much new music !!!!#i need to organize my bangers playlist it’s so messy like there’s EVERYthing in there#asks#h 🕊
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ok so i recently started playing the sims 4 again n i wanna give a small recap of the events tht have happened so far
ok so first some bg info. i have 4 households. the main one i play is just called "haha kinnie house" n its comprised of cecelia (my pkmn self-insert), moonlight, princess, truffle, latte, rose quartz, caitlin, and mayu. another household is just seraphina and anahita, and the 3rd is piers, marnie, sea fairy, and jasper. aka love interest house + marnie bc i didnt want piers to be lonely LOL. n the last household is strawberry shortcake (my cookiesona) n peony (my gfs cookiesona)
so one day seraphina invites celia out to some lounge bc theres a celebrity there (judith). so i chat up judith n the next day she invites me to the humors and hijinks festival so i go n join the humor side. while there i ended up literally Dying from laughter while watching some comedy routine. so everyone at the festival just gathered around my corpse, crying for like. 5 minutes. o n we won btw. i got the notif tht the humor side won right after i died LOL
n ofc since i was only playing celia and she died, the game automatically sent me back to the household. LITERALLY NO ONE THERE GAVE A SHIT LMFAOOOO they were all just continuing as if nothing had happened. but i was the closest to latte so she had a sad/mourning moodlet (but overall still happy wtf) so i decided i would task her to find my urn at the casbah gallery. bc i wanted to see if i cld maybe bring myself back to life. i couldnt find the damn thing so i just went to Manage Worlds n readded myself to the house thru my library 😔
so after tht i decided to hit the club!! n get my singing skill up while waiting for (hopefully) piers or somebody else to show up. marnie ended up coming n so i chat her up n we became friends. one day marnie invites me over to her house to hang out!! i was so excited lol
anyway so i introduce myself to jasper, piers, and sea fairy. piers n i became fast friends n i ended up having the lowest friendship w sf. but id been spending a few hrs over there n i was already friends w marnie, piers, n jasper. n one of celias whims was to cook smth bc she was inspired. so i decided i wanted to make a cake for everyone to show how happy i was!!!
jasper, marnie, n piers literally did not give a shit but sf was Immediately like "pls stop. this is inappropriate" 🙄 so i figured maybe if i actually befriended her she would let me continue. so i keep talking 2 her until we became friends.... n tried to resume the cake. n ofc sf told me off again and kicked me out of the house!!!
so now celia has a deep-seated grudge against sf for kicking her out of the house for trying to make a cake 😩 so ive been trying to do Everything i can to get rid of the grudge... spending a literal day with her at the park constantly complimenting her n hugging her. rn im So Close to removing the grudge! but its still there.... hopefully later today i'll be able to remove it
oh also while trying to get celias singing skill up, she became a minor celebrity. n while hugging sf a lot, she developed the "no touching!" fame quirk so she hated hugging ppl so i had to use some fucking crown and crystal to try tto remove the quirk so i could hug ppl again 🙄 right after tht my fame dropped to 0 so it disappeared automatically anyway
ANYWAY eventually piers invites me to hang at the park so i decided this wld be the perfect time to Make My Move. so we spent the whole day together verbally fucking each other. then i got bored so i went home n the next day or so he asks me out on a date. apparently the date was a success? even tho imo it was a shitty date bc he picked the literal worst place bc it was small n cramped n everybody kept getting in our space tryna conversate when im tryna flirt n kiss the bitch
BUT YA thts pretty much all tht happened while playing yesterday
#moon.txt#moon sims#glad i can finally start using tht tag again LOL#yall i am so sorry i dont feel like putting a readmore
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Hii, do u have any tips for writing fics?? I’m so used to writing research reports, lab reports, and formal essays that creative writing has become something I really struggle with. I guess it’s having the freedom to write anything and not knowing how to make sure it’s not corny. I tried outlining a fic one time but it was so frustrating LOLOLOL. Anyways, I love your ateez fics. They are so cute and creative!!
hi !!!! im like rlly touched u asked me and i feel u actually that's why i started this blog; im a biomedical engineering major so as u can imagine i dont get to take much creativity with what i write because writing papers and reports and proposals are so formulaic and u gotta stick to the facts so that being said i actually tested out of all my college writing classes so all my writing knowledge is from ap english in hs lmao so take it w many grians of salt
the #1 thing i do when im feeling sort of unmotivated about a story or maybe like like dragging myself thru mud to write it is to just write the "fun" part first. to me the fun part is usually the climax or maybe the like the "wouldn't it be cute if..." moment that came to mind that inspired me to write a blurb in the first place! then usually once i sort of get the ball rolling on that my brain will help me out and keep the momentum going by thinking of maybe "oohh okay maybe this can happen next" or "oohh and what if this led up to it" or !! just stop there !! something ive learned from my mx writing blog which is like a year older than this one was that you don't owe anybody context especially for a blurb so maybe it really is just 3 sentences of a cute moment u thought of like its whatever ur the one writing it
now for longer fics im going to be honest jongho's first love is my first and only completed attempt at a multi stage coherent story. and that was fueled purely based on the fact that when i look at jongho he just gives off sort a really excited sort of innocence that i wanted to further explore and personify through the idea of him experiencing love for the first time but even then i really struggled w the last part because that's where my personal experience stopped and i had basically nothing to go off of because ive never been in love so i did have to kinda wait for ideas to come to me. for prince yunho i have posted 4 chapters but have all the way through chapter 15 drafted. and by drafted i mean it's like 3 sentences of the overall idea. again, the fic was inspired by the duality between yunho's on stage vs. off stage persona where if somebody was to watch an ateez performance for the first time they may find him very serious and maybe even intimidating but atiny would know that his off stage persona (the one he choses to create for us anyways) is very silly and happy-go-lucky and approachable, which is why prince yunho is seen as narameth's strong and stoic pride and joy but in reality he's sort of clumsy but means well. so i let that and his relationship w xenia who is an original character (OC) sort inspire stories or interactions that i force into a plot line. so for example i believe when i first started thinking abt a prince au for yunho i thought "wouldn't it be funny if the first scene started out painting him as this strong and serious man and then cut to him choking on food or something" and that sort of inspired the idea of him being nervous abt the speech and then xenia came out of that because he needed a complementary character imo since i knew he was gonna be kind of one dimensional and then his backstory with xenia inspired other ideas and then one day i was sad and wanted a hug so that inspired a piece of the plot line and so on. so basically: let an idea or even an aspect of somebody come to you and just write it down, let it inspire other ideas. and don't be afriad to completely start over. i wrote a whole chapter for prince yunho and deleted the whole thing because i hated where it was going and started back from scratch. sometimes you have to revisit things abt your characters and their relationships with others to get a new idea. there's a story in every person and every relationship you just have to find the clues
here's an example of what i mean by "write the good part first". this is typically what the very first draft of a blurb will look like for me
((( blah blah blah basically its raining and y/n is sad bc wooyoung broke her heart two weeks ago idk maybe go into it maybe not)))
y/n is all sad and feeling sorry for themselves on the couch theyre past crying but still feel pretty shitty plus it's storming and cold outside. great
there's a knock on their door ofc they have the cliche "who could that be moment" even tho they lowkey know. we literally all know
so yeah wooyoung's there soaked in rain eyes puffy y/n thinks he's been crying
-this would be the "fun part". i'll fix all that garbage up top later or maybe even change it completely idk yet-
"y/n? i - uh. hi"
he sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck while you crossed your arms over your chest, fighting the urge to close the door and walk away for good
"hi? really wooyoung? is that the best you can do?"
(((wooyoung does smth idk)))
"well i just -"
"you just what? showed up here in the rain after you broke my heart and didn't even bother to tell me why? this isn't some romance movie, asshole. you can't just come here late at night and expect to find me all sad and willing to take you back because i'm not. so say what you're gonna say so i can get back to my life"
your face was red hot and you trying very hard, probably too hard, to fight back tears. ((( idk talk some more abt y/n's emotions then what wooyoung is doing)))
"look, i made a mistake i-"
"oh my god! why did i know you were gonna do this. i just knew as soon as i saw you-"
"will you let me get a fucking word in!?"
well that was new. in the entire time you'd known him he had never raised his voice at you like that, your shock causing you to immediately close your mouth and fold your arms back into yourself (((make y/n seem more scared))) noticing your reaction, he lowered his voice back down and instictively reached for you, heartbroken at the way you jerked away from his touch
"please y/n, i'm sorry. i didn't mean to raise my voice it's just that i need to tell you that i regret what i did i regret breaking up with you so fucking much and you don't have to take me back i just need you to know how much you meant, no, mean to me. i still love you, a lot. there's not a day, an hour, a minute, or a single second that goes by that i'm not thinking of you"
"then why?"
your voice was small and wavering, your tears now dangerously close to spilling down your cheeks
"why what?"
"why did you break up with me like that, just all of a sudden"
he pushed his hands into his pockets and looked away
"because that morning i woke up before you and when i looked at you asleep next to me, i saw myself spending the rest of my life with you and it scared the shit out of me"
"why did it scare you?"
"because i just figured you didn't feel the same. i was selfish and wanted to save myself heartbreak down the line and so i told you i didn't wanna be with you anymore, but that was a mistake because it turns out i can't function with out you, i can't breathe without you i can't live without you, y/n. i shouldn't have let you go"
tears were now freely flowing down your face (((okay brain no work anymore y/n kisses him duh and then ofc they make up wooyoung prob says smth cheesy and y/n is like ur lucky i love you or smth ahaha the end)))
tl;dr -> don't be afraid to get messy. creative writing is not nearly as structured as academic/scientific writing. write whatever u want first it can even be the middle of a huge fight scene or some dialogue u think is funny. if ur stuck read what you have or maybe just take a break and let an idea come to you. a story doesnt have to come together til the very end so it can be as messy and out of order as u want until u wanna post it. also i would always use the third person omniscient point of view for a longer story like a chaptered fic as a default and only change if it would impact the plot in a negative way. this is where the narrator knows what every character is thinking/feeling and im p sure a teacher in middle school told me it was the easiest to write and follow
#sorry i got carried away#also rmbr how i was like my brain cant stop imagining dramatic and disgusting love confessions in the rain? i meant like that#it's so chessy ik 😔 bleh#amanda talks
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elvira you know I always see what you're hiding in the tags,, I will always read it if you answer all of them abhsjdbs
nev you asked for this and im going to go thru with it bc im an oversharing idiot like oh you asked me how’s the weather i will tell you about all my trauma instead :D
What do you identify as and what are your pronouns? i’m cis yo i’m she/her. i’m biromantic ace. thats the label i would put on it i guess. i really just refer to myself as gay bc i like pretty boys who look like girls and pretty girls and pretty nb and queer people and basically i just like pretty people ajsfbjf
How did you discover your sexuality, tell your story? theres no story to it. no epiphany or realization. i just always was ok with thinking that girls were pretty and that gay people are cool and it wasnt until recent years that i was like oH SHIT AM I GAY
Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it? no i guess bc i’m a girl and id as a girl and have a very obvious girl body
Who was the first person you told, how did they react? i guess my best friend. we’re both very ok with gay shit and we just always made comments about pretty girls and now we’re both pretty gay. i like my big tiddie anime girls and she likes her pretty kpop girl bands
Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel? i’ve only “come out” to some of my friends. i would NEVER in my LIFE even imagine telling my mom i like girls. shes homophobic Like That
If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react? uhh see above. my mom, stepdad, family members are all homophobic. hispanics in general are Like That rip. i think my dad would be the most ok with it but he lives in mexico and i dont talk to him often anyway. doesnt matter
What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality? i hate when people ask me about the ace part. like they have a bigger problem about my not wanting to have sex over the liking girls part tbh. sometimes it’s difficult for me to even describe where i am on the ace spectrum. it’s honestly the more difficult part
Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear. basic nerd. you know those fics like “she dressed in a black t-shirt, skinny jeans, and all star converse” yea that she is me
Who are your favourite lgbt+ ships? ajkfj this is a good question and canon wise i love Ash and Eiji from Banana Fish, Uenoyama and Mafuyu from Given, Nezumi and Shion from No. 6, and Simon and Baz from Carry On. Not canon i love Kurama and Hiei from Yu Yu Hakusho, Izuku and Todoroki from My Hero Academia, and Inosuke and Tanjiro from Demon Slayer. Note how most of them are anime i
What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any? i dont really wear any bc im lazy. if you like it you do you but idrc for it? except for lipstick i LOVE lipstick i have all the colors. i wear it so it distracts people from the rest of my face
Do you experience dysphoria? If so, how does that affect you? ...no
What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard said about the lgbt+ community? i live in the south so ive heard tons of shit talk about gay people. i dont really have any that stand out. my mom just likes to say that we’re going to hell :D so let’s give em a show ay
What’s your favourite thing about the lgbt+ community? i guess i like how we find solidarity in each other just bc we’re not straight. most of the lgbt+ folks i know are pretty chill about everything
What’s your least favourite thing about the lgbt+ community? terfs but they dont count
Have you ever been to your cities pride event? Why or why not? i live in a small town and i could never sneak out of my house for that bc i still live with my mom so no
Who is your favourite lgbt+ Icon/Advocate/Celebrity? theres so many big celebrities now that id as lgbt+ but im going old school and loving my man, my tumblr url namesake mr Oscar Wilde. my man got put in jail for sodomy
Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet? lmao never bc im mean, ugly, and terrible at talking to people irl. i had a bf in middle school? but bc i was 12 i dont count it
What is your favourite lgbt+ book? Carry On and the sequel Wayward Son. (very anxiously waiting for book 3 Anyway the Wind Blows come on Rainbow Rowell)
Have you ever faced discrimination? What happened? for being gay? no. bc im not really out. ive faced discrimination for being a brown woman tho :)))
Your Favorite lgbt+ movie or show? yall i love gay anime: Given, Banana Fish, No. 6, Yuri on Ice yeee. i dont really watch tv with real people but i think that Brooklyn 99 does a very good job with Holt and Rosa yall im love Rosa
Who are some of your favourite lgbt+ bloggers? theres bloggers??? um idk i love u nev so you count right @why-do-you-pick-flowers
Which lgbt+ slur do you want to reclaim? for a while everyone was mad as hell about “im gay for ___” and idk im gay for everything so thats a “slur” i use for myself
Have you ever gone to a gay bar, or a drag show, how was it? ive never gone omg i’d probably be intimidated as hell like i have a lot of problems just existing so to be existing around very flamboyant and extravagant people like that makes me break into a nervous sweat
How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that mean to you? ive always felt like a girl even tho my mom always said “oh you like boy things??? you should have been born a boy” but like, your likes and dislike dont determine your gender. i like “boy” things and “dress like a boy” but i dont FEEL like a boy. ive never had any desire to become a boy or id as a boy. gender is a social construct fuck society
Are you interested in having children? Why or why not? i have a very complicated relationship with children. babies are ugly and toddlers are annoying but i feel like if i had children i would love them obviously because theyre mine. this is gonna be a weird analogy but like i dislike cats. BUT i have cats. and i love the fuck outta them. so i feel like thatd be me with kids. but im ace so like.... who would even have kids with me. i could not. pregnancy seems like a hassle and adoption is... i have thoughts on that but thats for a different post. also i can see myself being married and not having children OR having kids without a spouse. theres just something complicated about having both??? maybe im just fucked in the head idk bro
What identity advice would you give your younger self? you dont hate girls you like them, dumbass
What do you think of gender roles in relationships? fuck gender roles. get pegged, bros. i also have a very specific dynamic if i ever got into a relationship (which you know. wont happen) but like if i dated a guy i feel like i’d be very top. a MAN telling ME what to do??? fuck that. but if i dated a pretty girl??? top me pls
Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender? i think ive already said too much oh god someone is gonna look at this and be like what the FUCK but like lmao dont be afraid to ask me i apparently have no shame
What is something you wish people know about being lgbt+? it’s scary at first because you think “im not normal” but like pray tell me what is normal. do what makes you happy. fuck society
Why are proud to be lgbt+? i’m comfortable with the people i like. i might not be very confident and i have depression, anxiety, self esteem issues, probs adhd or ocd idfk but at least i know if i see a pretty girl or smth im gonna be like wow that girl is pretty and have no bad thoughts about it. it’s just how it be. after a lot of dissecting my past behavior, ive always been this way. you cant change who you are. just accept it
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🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻
i almost cant even count how many this is but im doing every single one anyways and you cant stop me despite the fact that this obviously took me ages to actually answer
1: if ur reading this ur legally obligated to follow max (sender of this ask) Right Now. Just Do It.
2: i think more ppl with my sense of humor should watch Spider Riders bc listen.. if somewhere along the line that show suddenly gained more popularity again in this fine year of 2019 id be both actually funny for once but also revolutionary. by all technicalities some of my hcs are fucking great but i dont think i could say a lot of them and even be comprehensible outside of orientation based ones that are just rlly controversial. granted im not even sure i could or would actually recommend the show to people cause its kinda dumb a lot of the time and also fairly long at least to my standards so its harder to finish unless ur like really invested in it :pensive:
3: also on that note the next time a horny person even THINKS about Corona im Going to break into their home and then break their knees. i hate that she has so much fanart thats basically just fetish art or otherwise managing to be nsfw in some way shes like 15 at best fuck off!! its rlly only a problem on like. deviantart but it still makes me die inside.
4: character development is hard i never actually keep my ideas and what i have written down on like. my actual bios for everyone on the same pace so its a confusing mess and i wish i was better at combating that
5: anon and kanon r such good loids i wish people used them more but i think a part of the problem is that i dont always look That hard for things that use them ahdbsadgashdj
6: alex is the best sdv bachelor and im not accepting criticism on that notion. 2nd best would probably be like.. sam except i havent tried hard enough to be friends with him yet which i feel bad abt bc he seems nice
7: i miss the cracking open a cold one with the boys meme that was still one of my favorites
8: (goes BACK to thinking about SR shdfjds) the anime had no right having like so many characters base their ideals off of how brade used to be in the past and all those good takes on like not necessarily Having to resort to violence as the ultimate solution and all that good stuff just to be like, “surprise!! he actually IS still around! but also he’s going to be minimally helpful at all until the last few episodes and otherwise we’re going to make a ton of gags about him trying to hit on the like 2 girls in the team who are also like 15 while he ignores practically everyone else because thats funny!” im still so mad about it. he is the absolute worst and he has no rights. there was also so much potential they seemed like they could have used and were trying to hint at using in terms of further developing more important details about the history of the inner world or at least some of the things that had been going on well before hunter ever showed up and then they didn’t do anything but hint at the idea of brade having known hunter’s grandfather. but even that wasn’t 100% confirmed bc they dodged around it the one time they had hunter ask. its a mess.
9: my taste is so fucking weird and i hate it bc its mostly just, “oh yeah i heard abt this thing and it seems cool im hoping to start getting into it soon!” for most things that are actually cool or popular or all that and never actually get into it, but then i see smth dumb as shit that i know would probably make me look like an absolute fool for liking and im like, “oh yeah yknow what i can do this one” and then i do like it but i cant say much about it either cause i dont wanna look like. a fool.
10: these have been depressing as fuck so im gonna lighten the mood and say that himbo is a fucking hilarious word and i love it
11: also axel (kh) is a himbo. why? he just is.
12: im also bad at character design i think bc i always worry that my characters look too similar in terms of hair style like all the time and idk if its rlly that bad or not jfhgkf. that and like. so many of my characters just wear jeans and boots in terms of the lower half of their body its so unoriginal but it always works so well…
13: still disappointed in myself for having never 100%’d even 1 tlodw game. lunatic mode.. Difficult
14: i dont keep up with ace attorney fans but i hope everyone out there agrees that miles has peak vampire energies based on the way he dresses alone
15: re:zero fans have no rights only bc i only ever see ppl talking abt rem and ram like. wh.. was no one ever going to tell me about reinhard or was i just supposed to watch him get introduced in the first few eps and then fall in love w/him immediately before even finding out hes supposed to be a knight which makes him 20x better
16: leon and/or leonhart is like genuinely a good name idk why it just sounds rlly nice
17: ive had like so many technical difficulties with this site since trying to answer this i hate tumblr
18: im pretty sure im like. genuinely just gonna go mute or some shit one day cause honestly ive mostly only ever gotten worse and worse about not actually being able to say things even when i know exactly what thought im trying to say, both physically and like. online. its so weird i feel like i just cant say things. it may just be being self conscious but i restrict myself soo heavily and its WEIRD…. its like being trapped in ur thoughts and it sucks. probably doesnt even actually mean all that much but it still makes it hard for me to accomplish anything ever which i hate.
19: despite all the titles like ssbu and all that existing for the switch i think id only want one to play the new(er) inside system games i havent had the chance to yet like the spinoff card game and rudymical and also brave dungeon but w/neville and klinsy and whoever else was dlc on that game cause obviously i own the 3ds port but also neville.. good… i wanna see how she plays..
20: i miss when i could be passionate abt cave story it just makes me feel tired seeing it sometimes at this point but it also still holds a great significance to me so its just confusing and im not sure how i feel abt it
21: the SR novels were cowards only on account of not giving us any official design for petra but also for writing igneous like. That. novelverse igneous is just too bitter in general and like i get it but they couldve done a lot more with him even though he is still somewhat respectable in the end, granted its hard cause like holy shit hes so fucking mean to hunter literally who asked for that. im just glad the anime let him be somewhat more idk.. i guess sociable while still keeping a lot of the inherently essential aspects his personality had like his almost over the top loyalty to the prince and taking things like training/combat in general very seriously. its just good and animeverse igneous is so good id die for him thanks for coming to my tedtalk
#bloook why#JDSGJDGSJDHSD THIS WAS KINDA HARD TBH I DONT HAVE ALL THAT MUCH I WANNA SAY..#BUT STILL TY ANYWAYS MAX..#we would be better off just going down a list and having me state my opinions on SR characters#thats what like 2 of these were anyhow even tho no one asked
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Turns out its a helluva mess when i start messing beyond flat colors!! Might be a sign to not do so much again (but yet .. practice to get to where im one day happy??)
Like ive done as much as i know how to do at this point in time to the portraits (still gratuitously bloody shame on me :') ) oh except for a background bc WHAT does one DO for a character shoulders up portrait background??? Settled for now on a gradient old school photo style lmao
I like the fix it one as is, a lot (but also i liked the lineart for the portraits better i think) and idk, imngonna try give it a light bit of shadows and lights, maybe step away from a lot of blending bc i think i think thats where i went wrong on the other one
Like, they look fine, but they also look. Meh. Like ive used too much blur tool (i havent, i tried using kritas wet brush thing and it looks....ok close up but the effect is no good when zoomed out like posting size APPARENTLY) and its all noncommittally washy.
(cont'd over thinking)
Am i gonna 'render' them a third time??? Do i have the mental strength?? Bc i think maybe trying for something not so, "realistic" could do me better, like a little more cell shady. But also i dont?? I dont know how to cell shade? I dont watch anime or cartoons v much and my style isnt that cartoony or clean lined?
Maybe on the fix it i can try a more....... Conservative and less blended shade/highlights? (And if i like it/learn smth new go back and re re do the portraits same style) I also just. Idk. How does one make it not look so. Flat and meh?? Im doing basic color stuff ok i think, ive got a bit of texture but its still? Eh???
Honestly i could just post them and move on but i dunno, i have the energy to problem solve a lil bit so why not?? (Not tonight. Im gonna sleep on this all)
Why post shit im not 100% proud of? (Ngl kinda been in the mood to take down that first sketch of the fix it bc it looks nowhere near as good as what i fixed it up to but ....... Ah fuck it i was happy w it when i did it so eh)
Why why why oh why is art so hard?????????
I wanna try and become one of those cool artists who post multiple fun things yknow, like u get inspired and can draw it beginning to post in one evening! Im probably way over thinking and pushing myself to some standard of unrealistic perfection i have for myself...
(also i like thumbnail doodled out like, all these things i wanna draw for a really nice fic i read and even after editing some i have like 8 bits i wanna draw?? 4 as like a mini comic bc i havent done one since i was a child and i think itd be kinda rad if i learned to draw short comics for fic scenes i like??? But yeah basically in one inktober post there would only be 5 ideas (a lil more complicated on average i do give for granted but like. Those took me WEEKS) but yeah i just. I wanna draw them. Even if itll probably take me for fuckin ever... (And i didnt even finish off the last two inktober batches, oh. And i have a uni thesis to do ew) .... I wanna push myself to draw faster (less iterations to get it right) and so i can have rly solid and good and quickly done drawings to then color in as i learn to for future?)
Ugh man. You know what i need to do/shouldve been doing before i jumped into coloring original stuff?? I shouldve done colored studies. Like ive been drawing scenes both from reference and original on the inktobers and i think thats why my drawing/character stuff has gotten decent. I really should just whip out like prettily colored movie screencaps and work on painting studies of them. That would really fix up why i cant figure out lights and shadows and blending in coloring! No horrid tutorials just figuring out how can i make it work for me
And you know? You know what it is okay to have pieces that are from before i figured it out right? Im gonna try a slightly different thing for the fix its (if i hate it, theyre good as flat colors too) and yes they dont have a background either please love of god someone tell me how to add random backgrounds bc im not in the mood of scene building further but they float in off white space atm.
If i learn smth ground breaking and can QUICKLY do a bette rendition of the portraits, sure the perfectionist wins. But maybe just maybe. It would be fine to post them as they are. Yea, they look roughly as lifeless as my first big painting/that dinluke poster redraw. And maybe thats okay. Because hi if i do dedicate to doing like a good few color focused studies of star wars scenes as a treat i can come back stronger and have a better piece???? Its about growth babes. YEA
Alright i said to myself thats it in gonna go sleep on it and continue tomorro but. I thought id slip in here a secret surprise for anyone unfortunate enough to have clicked read more... And i got a little whiplash opening the picture bc it looks. SO WRONG but the more you look at it its like ... Fine. Ok judge for urself and tell me pls, first and second attempts at 'rendering' the portraits (the darker bground was the first attempt just going by gut, the lighter one after trying to watch like 1 tutorial and using more brushes and just generally trying rly hard!!)
yes ive clearly fixed issues in the sketch differently in both so they... look... like different expressions?? idk man idk idk idk see now this small they look differently off!! god the curse of the zoom in and out and perception.
#art woes#but make it extra long because im DISTRESSED at not being able to just whip out ideas from my brain to page and it look good in one try#long and rambly and probably doesnt make much sense no pressure or expectation for anyone to read lmao#love yall kiss kiss time for bed itll be easier after sleep#did include a pic of current progress at the v bottom eheheheh
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as you can see in my reblogs i just had an imginary fight and imaginary abandobment with jo. he basically said he found it unattractive that im so easy to charm and idk.... that i go home to guys i dont even like for attention or smth (i DONT...... maybe i do..... I JUST HAVE A HARD TIME DIFFERING ROMANCE ABD FRIENDSHIP I DONT LIKE THEM WERE JUST FRIENDS AND I CANT JUST SAY NO) and basically all i could hear was
he hates you he hates you he hates you he thinks youre disgusting abd worthless and ugly and weird and pathetic and childish and horrible
AND WE JUST HAD A FIGHT!!!! i tried so hard yesterday not to panic-text him for reassurance after our fight...... it probably wasnt a fight....... only a fight for me...... BUT I DIDNT!!! EVEN THO I HAD LIKE 26161 PANIC ATTACKS AND REALLY WANTED HIS PRAISE FOR GOING TO CLASS I STILL DIDNT............. until the evening...... i couldnt resist but ask him for a hug (through text). he wonders why and i tell him i just needed his comfort.... as if i wasnt THIS fucking close to die every 20 minute but i know he’d find that unattractive so i just stfu
AND THEN THAT RAT SAYS ”yeah but if u do this u will have to look for comfort somewhere else” and i just want to DIEEEEEEE
i explode. i really didnt need to hear that. all i wanted was his love and now hes telling me he doesnt want me anymore but finds me needy and unattractive and all my feelings just OUT!!!!
i bEG HIM NOT TO CONTINUE I BEG HIM PLEASE DONT SAY THIS NOT TONIGHT I WANT TO DIE PLS SAY IT TOMORROW PLS I JUST WANT U TO HOLD ME
he calls me
and his ugly aspd ass goes ”sigh.... what is happening now” ”stop with that manipulative empathy shit, youre just trying to make me empathise but i literally dont”
and then he low key last out on me BECAUSE I CAN HEAR IT IN HIS VOICE that
him: ”i need to fucking sleep but now i cant because of you typing shit that you want to die” (basically)
me: ”im sorry”
him: ”dont say youre sorry stop apologizing this is my choice i choose to talk to you instead of sleeping”
me: ??????
me: ”arenr u telling me this bc u want me to feel bad and apologize?”
him: ”no i dont care abt your apologies words dont mean anything to me im just telling u to understand that your actions have consequences”
HES SUCH AN ASSSSS!!! THIS WAS LITERALLY THE SAME THING LAST TIME I NEEDED HIS COMFORT HE JUST THINKS IM AN ANNOYING UGLY WHORE HE JUST FEELS RESPONSIBLE FOR ME OR SMTH IDK WHAT THE FUCK
......
him: ”i cant be with someone who just goes over to random dudes they dont even know for attention”
me: ”i-i dont do that.... i only want your attention youre the only one who matters”
him: ”i know u say that but your ACTIONS says otherwise”
me: ”but i dont even like them theyre just my friends”
him: ”you met them on tinder, you have met them like one time and you go home to them to watch a movie, thats not friends, friends take a coffee and then maybe go home to each other after theyve known each other”
me: ”but ive told them im not interested”
him: ”IT DOESNT MATTER. thats not how it works. you cant just do risky dumb shit bc of anxiety. what if something would happen to you, that wouldn’t make you happy and ghat wouldnt make me happy”
AND I JUST WANT TO CLARIFY THAT WHILE THIS MAY SEEM LIKE HE SOMEHOW CARES ABOUT ME WHAT HE SAYS IS THAT IM A BOTHER AND IT BOTHERS HIM....... LIKE HE GETS ANGRY AND ANNOYED AT ME WHEN IM SAD AND ANXIOUS BC HE DOESNT WANT ME TO BE SAD AND ANXIOUS........ WOW THAT MAKDS SO MICH SENSE RIGHT??? NO IT DOESNT BECAUSE HE DOESNT RELLY CARE ABT MEEEEE, HE JUST WANTS ME TO BE HAPPY SO HE DOESNT HAVE TO SUFFER FROM MY UNHAPPY CONSEQUENCES GOD IM SO HURT WHY CANT HE JUST LOVE ME
and then we came to the conclusion that i just feel unloved and unworthy of love and like im a horrible person and hes like
him: ”you cant use other people. dont chase my love or affirmation. im not judging or shaming you for going home to these guys im just telling you im not attracted to it. if you want my comfort you know what to do”
me: ”i want your comfort, i will-”
him: ”you dont have to tell me. ACTIONS”
him: ”and dont do this for me or because of me. do this because YOU want to”
me:
me:
me: ”but i dont know what i want”
him: ”then maybe you should think about that”
me: *starting to panic*
me: ”y-yeah sure”
OK SO I GUESS ILL HAVE TO PRETEND THAT I LOVE MYSELF AND THAT IM CHABGING FOR MYSELF BC ITS UNATTRACTIVE AND NEEDY TO DO IT FOR HIM BUT I WANT HIM IM READY TO CHANGE MYSELF FOR HIM BUT FUUUUUCK HES SMART HE WILL FIGURE OUT HE KNOWS I HAVE NO PERSOBALITY LIKE
me: ”i literally adopt other peoples interests”
him: ”yeah that doesnt surprise me”
him: ”youre not your own person...”
blah blah i dont remember what more we said
ugh
FUCK MEEEEE I MAY NOT HAVE A BIG PERSONALITY BUT I DO HAVE SOME INTERESTS THAT DOESNV CHANGE I DONT CHANGE MYSELF CONPLETELY
HE ALSO TOLD ME I NEED TO STOP APOLOGIZE FOR UNNECESSARY THINGS
what the fuck am i gonna do? am i just gonna pretend to understand and change for myself? i wont be able to do this for myself, i WILL DO IT FOR HIM SO HE WONT LEAVE ME BUT HE WILL LEAVE ME ANYWAYS BC HE WILL KNOW ITS FAKE AND THAT I ONLY ADAPT MY PERSONALITH TO HIM FUCK
oh i mean I GUESS when i re-read our texts maybe i SHOULDNT have read it in such a threatening aggressive tone but i cant help it, he literally said ”im not dumping you rn” OK SO WHEN ARE YOU?????????????
god its so embarrassing i knew he was my fp even though i didnt want to admit it but i didnt know it was this strong............ ive tried sO HARD NOT TO BE DEPENDANT ON HIM
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question would you say tlj is at least worth seeing because like. hopefully the next ones better and you need to at least know what happened or should i just pretend it didnt happen and skip it entirely. i hvent seen it yet but ive heard even the cast hated everything about it especially hamil. or maybe hes just the most vocal about it. anyway is it worth seeing at all?
genuine answer? you can pretend it didnt happen, and i’d recommend you don’t see it- it will literally sour every good grace tfa made in you, and none of the good of that movie is in this. one dumb thing about this movie that’s a blessing in disguise is: nothing happens. everything goes round. everything is literally the same at the start and at the end, except one chara death that i won’t spoil unless you want to.
less serious answer? if you wanna see the most cringeworthy reylo scenes ever, forced dialogue, and laugh-out-loud OOC scenes? it’s fantastic. but it’s a depressed laugh. it’s a “this is so bad omfg i’m laughing reading someone’s bad fanfic but PLS TELL ME THIS AIN’T REALLY HAPPENING OH MY GOD THIS IS ACTUALLY CANON-” laugh.
also, if you care about the characters at all... i’d really recommend not seeing it. when it comes out someone will have to make a rose and finn supercut(if i have to do so myself i goddamned will) and their dialogue is very bad(cuz even their really good acting can’t save this damn script. finn has to read the line(i dont remember it word for word but it was this dumb “those weapon smugglers really are bad guys!”. it sounded like something out of the prequels. even JB with all his talent and charm can just barely make it work.) BUT they still manage to have chemistry and be nice to watch together.
if you like luke or rey you will literally want to jump into a fiery pit, and if you like finn? well, i’d say that too but the thing is he’s non existant in this movie :) if you like poe? well sad to say but i dont fucking know how they wrote him in this. and i hear people say “poe didnt even have a chara in the first movie” you’re right! he didn’t! but he had charm, something he explicitly lacks here, as well as... you know the entire comic run establishing him as smth and the movie showing smth else.
anyway im ranting but genuinely? id say don’t do it you’ll end up sad, and if you want i can tell you everything else u wanna know privately
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Tell Me Everything Will Be Alright
This is my fic (and my first phanfic wow) for the 2018 Phandom Secret Valentines, and my valentine is @citrouillephan!
I hope you enjoy! -from your valentine, @realityfallsapart
tags: fluff, angst, 2009 AU
words: 4.7k
Summary: Dan Howell tends to get lost in his head and his thoughts have a habit of ruling him even when he doesn’t want them to. When he and his best friend finally have a chance at meeting, Dan starts to wonder if he is actually good enough for the amazing human being that is Phil Lester.
(ao3 link)
(Thank you so much to @moonbeamphan for reading this over and helping me! This wouldn’t be as good without you!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dan typed his answer and sent it by hitting enter before leaning back in his chair and letting out a shaky breath that seemed to rattle his insides. His laptop chirped quietly, announcing that Phil had replied to him. He couldn’t bring himself to look at it right away. Finally, after a few moments, he flicked his eyes down to the white screen of the computer in his lap where Phil’s most recent message seemed to glare up at him.
Phil :) (9:47 PM)
i know!
i can’t believe it either!
For a few moment, Dan could do nothing but stare at the screen; at the black words disrupting the artificial white light. It was the only thing that gave Dan any sort of illumination in his room; everything else was dark. He bit his lip and thought about the possible pros and cons of shutting his laptop and burying his head under his duvet to pretend that everything was fine because it was. It’s all fine.
Dan shook his head and reached his hands down to the keyboard. He wouldn't—couldn’t—do that to Phil. Phil deserved so much better than that. His numb fingers typed out a small sentence, only realizing that it had several typos until after he had sent it. He mentally kicked himself for it.
Dan ^-^ (9:51 PM)
Me niether! it seems like thsi would n e v e r happen!
**neither, this
Jeez i can spell
Phil :) (9:51 PM)
idk dan are you sure you can def spell? those seem like some pretty beginner mistakes…
Dan knew Phil was kidding. He knew that it was just Phil playing around with Dan like they normally did. Like they had been doing for months at this point. But in Dan’s heightened state of anxiety and stress, he couldn’t help but berate himself further. God, Phil must think of him as a kid now, he can’t even spell right!
Dan crashed back into his mattress, groaning and squeezing his eyes shut.
“Stupid, stupid, stupid….” he muttered, hitting his forehead with his hand with every word.
Looking back on this moment, Dan would laugh and realize how utterly idiotic his anger with himself was coming from, but right now, in bed with the lights off and by himself, he couldn’t help but magnify the issue. He had been anxious and stressed without a pause this entire week.
He looked up at his ceiling, sighing in growing frustration towards himself, but it wasn’t just because of his inability to catch his typos. In fact, it had nothing to do with them. The typos had just tipped him right over the edge and all of his insecurities crashed over him like waves, his head nearly going under the tide.
To say he wasn’t good enough was an understatement. To say that Phil deserved a much better best friend than Dan was even more of one. Phil was older, more experienced, more mature, funny, smart, kind, and extremely compassionate. He had a great time making pretty successful and entertaining videos (at least in Dan’s opinion, and he would always fight anyone who said otherwise) on the side, on top of balancing life. Dan was younger, so much more less experienced with everything, he got overwhelmed with life and spent the majority of his time curled up under his covers surfing through the waves of his latest existential crisis or playing PC video games that he would forget about within the next 24 hours. He was purgatory in the form of a human and an incredibly underwhelming one at that.
He wasn’t sure how long exactly he laid there, stewing in his self-deprecation and wishing that he was better. Better in literally every aspect, maybe then he would finally be worth Phil’s time, if only a little bit. His computer chirped again, and then twice more minutes later in rapid succession, as if angry. Dan grasped for the thing, pulling it up to his chest, lacking the energy to sit back up.
Phil :) (10:07 PM)
Dan you know im joking right?
Phil :) (10:16 PM)
Dan? you still there? i was joking i promise you can make all the typos you want
u didnt fall asleep did you?
Dan couldn’t help the watery smile that turned the corners of his mouth up, albeit it being a small one. Phil had that effect on him even if Dan was falling apart on the inside. Just a little though, he was fine.
Dan ^-^ (10:18 PM)
nooo im not sleeping
Phil :) (10:18 PM)
:(
Dan ^-^ (10:19 PM)
why the frowny face
Dan tried to keep the fear out of his thoughts but the talons of doubt had already settled around his heart. Was Phil mad that he didn’t answer right away? Would-
His laptop signaled the arrival of Phil’s reply, and Dan really didn’t know if he wanted to slam the lid of his computer shut or jump at the opportunity to find out if he had just ruined the best friendship he had ever had. Ever will. He went for the latter.
(Dan supposed he might be overreacting, but then again, when wasn’t he, it seemed?)
Phil :) (10:20 PM)
did i insult your typing skills one too many times? is that why you disapeared?
*disappeared
Dan used the best coping mechanisms for dealing with his anxiety that he knew: humor and avoidance. Together, they were a formidable force and Dan had spent a large majority of his time perfecting their potency.
Dan ^-^ (10:20 PM)
now look who’s making the typos
Phil :) (10:20 PM)
Dan.
He gulped. Now he had done it. Fuck. He had to fix this.
Dan ignored the roar behind his ears that seemed to be screaming that he should just ignore this all, pray that things would magically fix themselves and change the topic. That was his fear talking. His self-abandonment. His anxiety. His everything. Phil was worth so much more. So Dan pushed it all away for just long enough to reply.
Dan ^-^ (10:21 PM)
sorry, joke
no, thats not why i ran away
i was just thinking, thats all
Phil :) (10:21 PM)
were you doing it again
Dan tried to pretend that he didn’t know what Phil was talking about and simultaneously cursed himself for telling Phil about his increasing habit for getting lost in his thoughts. He failed. He knew exactly what Phil was talking about.
Back, about three weeks ago in a later-than-normal conversation where all of their inhibitions seemed to dissipate, Dan had finally come clean about how sometimes thoughts got the best of him. He would crumble under them, get so completely and utterly lost in his head that he would sometimes stay there for hours on end, picking apart anything that his conscience decided to dig up. And it hindered Dan, made him hate himself just that much more, made him hate how easily his anxieties held him hostage, stuck. But he couldn’t do much about it, it seemed, for whenever he got lost in his head, he always forgot that he had to get out.
Dan gulped. He had to lie his way out of this. He knew that Phil didn’t like it when Dan got stuck. He could pull off nonchalance, right?
Dan ^-^ (10:22 PM)
no
Phil :) (10:22 PM)
im not convinced
you were werent you
Dan ^-^ (10:23 PM)
does my word not count for anything lol
Phil :) (10:24 PM)
maybe if we were talking and i could see your face it’d count
Dan ^-^ (10:24 PM)
what’s my face got to do with anything?
Phil’s bubble appeared on the screen once, twice, three times, before he apparently decided on what he was going to say and sent it. The entire time Dan was a few words away from having a breakdown. His hands were shaking. His mind was racing faster than normal. Faster than it had in what seemed like a very long time.
Phil :) (10:26 PM)
bc then i could tell if you were lying
tho rn i dont even need that
Dan ^-^ (10:26 PM)
are u seriously saying im lying
Phil :) (10:27 PM)
yeah
you did everything that you always do when you arent telling the truth
you joked
changed / focused the conversation onto smth else
and besides
ive gathered that you really dont like to talk about the things that bother you. you like to ignore them and stuff
Dan ^-^ (10:28 PM)
so how bout we not talk about them then
Phil :) (10:29 PM)
normally, maybe
but not with this
Dan ^-^ (10:29 PM)
and why not?
Phil :) (10:29 PM)
bc i dont like it when you beat yourself up in your head
Dan ^-^ (10:30 PM)
who said i was beating myself up in my head
Phil :) (10:30 PM)
… dan :/
youre avoiding again
Dan cursed himself. God, since when could Phil read him like a book?
Dan ^-^ (10:32 PM)
fine. maybe i am
what are you gonna do about it philly?
Phil :) (10:32 PM)
daaaaannnnnn
you arent allowed to beat yourself up
no ones allowed to
especially you!
Dan giggled, just a little. He couldn’t help it when Phil was being…well, Phil.
Dan ^-^ (10:33 PM)
and why not? Hmm?
Phil :) (10:34 PM)
bc youre my favorite person silly
my favorite person cant be sad. its just the rules
Dan ^-^ (10:35 PM)
oh yeah? whose rules then, oh wise philip
Phil :) (10:35 PM)
ew dont call me philip my nan calls me that
and theyre my rules
my rules for my favorite person
Dan ^-^ (10:35 PM)
suuurrreee phil. sure its a rule
*philip
Phil’s cursor didn’t appear seconds after Dan had sent his message like usual. Insead, nothing appeared. Their good-natured banter had eased the storm raging inside of Dan and his thoughts and anxieties had died down a little, much more easier to bear with the distraction Phil was giving him, but with the sudden disappearance of his best friend, they came back full force. All of his doubts spilled into the front of his conscience. He shivered. It wasn’t from the cold.
Dan watched the little digital clock at the bottom of his laptop screen count the minutes falling away. One, two, three, four, five, god did what did he do-
Phil :) (10:41 PM)
[multimedia image: click to load]
With his heart in his throat, Dan clicked, and a small window appeared, momentarily covering their chat from Dan’s view. It was hard to make out, the quality bad and the image itself grainy and dark, but it was of a piece of paper lying atop two legs clad in bright pyjamas that Dan could immediately connect to Phil and his eccentric personality. He could make out the tip of Phil’s finger at the top of the shot, too. Squinting, he looked at the paper itself, zooming in to make out the words penned in Phil’s handwriting.
Rules:
1. Dan Howell is my favorite person
2. No one is allowed to make fun of him
3. ESPECIALLY if that “no one” is Dan himself
Dan started to laugh. Only Phil would actually make a list of “rules”. Only Phil.
Before Dan could reply, Phil was typing again.
Phil :) (10:43 PM)
there. proper rules written on proper paper. you have to follow them now
Dan ^-^ (10:44 PM)
i cant believe that you actually wrote rules you spork
but fine! i guess if i have to lol
Dan was still working heavily with avoiding the whole situation entirely, just like with what he was doing to the problem causing him so much stress to begin with, but he couldn’t help it. It’s just how he was.
Phil :) (10:46 PM)
so you admit to your crimes xD
but anyways
you were stuck in your head again
which is okay, i mean, i understand that it’s something you cant help
Dan felt like he was going to cry. Phil’s assurance that Dan’s mind running in panicked circles was perfectly okay was almost too much. Phil’s compassion was almost too much.
But it appeared that Phil wasn’t done, because his laptop dinged quietly again.
Phil :) (10:47 PM)
can i ask whats got you so sad and worried
so i can beat it up
obvs
Now Dan really wanted to cry. How could he tell Phil that the reason was him? How could he say that the root of this ball of anxiety and stress and worrying that had taken over him was Phil himself?
He couldn’t do that to Phil, not when his best friend would undoubtedly take it hard. God, if Phil knew why Dan kept getting lost in himself, he would be crushed.
Dan ^-^ (10:51 PM)
noooo
Phil :) (10:51 PM)
are you sure? i wont judge you dan, i swear it doesnt matter if you think i wont like it
i just wanna be here for you
If Dan wasn’t crying earlier, he was now, a few select tears dripping down his cheeks, brimming with the emotions that had been taking over him this past week. Phil was…too much. He was too kind, too sweet, too undeserving of someone like Dan. God, Phil deserved the whole world, he shouldn’t have to settle with Dan.
Another message appeared on Dan’s screen, as but this one didn’t seem like normal, it was a little off, a little rushed, a little…something. Dan couldn’t place it.
Phil :) (10:53 PM)
bc youre my best friend.
obvs. xD
If Dan wasn’t so out of it and was able to think clearly, he might have questioned Phil’s “clarification” of why and what sense he wanted to be there for him, but Dan was not in the best state of mind and he thought nothing of it.
Dan looked at his screen again. He still had to acknowledge Phil’s question, and he wasn’t sure how to go about it. He wanted to tell Phil he already told him everything, have Phil reassure him and tell him that everything was going to be okay again, like he normally did. But Dan couldn’t. He couldn’t lie again, once was already once too many, and something told Dan that if he tried to ignore it or change the topic, Phil would just call him out again.
Fuck.
Dan ^-^ (10:56 PM)
it doesnt matter
Phil :) (10:56 PM)
yes it does
its enough to make you get lost in that head of yours, so it matters
Dan ^-^ (10:57 PM)
phil we both know it doesnt take much for me to get lost in my thoughts
Phil :) (10:58 PM)
still
something is bothering you and i want to fix it
Dan bit his lip. God, Phil had no idea how badly he wanted to let him fix this. He couldn’t though. He just couldn’t.
Dan ^-^ (10:58 PM)
nooo phil, you cant fix this one
Phil :) (10:58 PM)
>:(
you cant even let me try?
Always, always, but just not with this. Dan couldn’t tell Phil this, not when it would hurt him.
Dan ^-^ (11:00 PM)
no phil, not with this sorry :(
Phil :) (11:01 PM)
:((((
okay
i may not like it but i can respect that
will you tell me tomorrow?
Dan looked at the screen, thinking about it. Tomorrow was what he was worried about to begin with. Could he tell Phil tomorrow? He wasn’t sure. Well, it didn’t matter if things went good or not, Dan mused, tomorrow Dan’s fears would either be affirmed or destroyed.
He could only hope.
Dan ^-^ (11:03 PM)
sure
tomorrow
Phil :) (11:03 PM)
yay!!!
Dan laughed, breathily.
Phil :) (11:03 PM)
oooh! look at the time!
its getting so late bear wow
guess we should get to sleep so we dont fall asleep on each other tomorrow huh? xD
Dan’s heart physically melted at the use of Phil’s pet name for him. He only used it occasionally, but it never failed to make Dan’s heart stutter in his chest and the butterflies in his belly to flit around faster, making him feel almost giddy. Hopeful.
God he sounded so stupid right now. Anxious and stressed out of his mind yet still acting like a little kid with their first crush.
Stupid feelings.
Dan ^-^ (11:05 PM)
yeah i guess we should!
night philly :)
Phil :) (11:05 PM)
goodnight dan!! :D
see you tomorrow!
(ps, idk whats bothering you and thats okay but i hope whatever it is it works out for you :“) )
Ah yes. That’s what it boiled down to. Tomorrow morning Dan would board a train and take it up to Manchester to spend some time with Phil. The first time that they would see each other in real life, not just behind a computer screen. They had skyped before and texted and chatted for countless hours over countless days, but the thought of tomorrow still made Dan want to throw up.
He wasn’t good enough for Phil. He was just so terrified that tomorrow Phil would see that.
Dan ^-^ (11:06 PM)
:)
After hitting send Dan thrust the lid to his laptop down and pushed it off of his chest, letting it fall onto the bed. Dan felt sick again. He was so scared about tomorrow because there were so many things that could go wrong and so many flaws that Phil could discover about Dan and so many, so many, ways for what is supposed to be the best day of Dan’s life to turn out to be his worst.
God, he hated his anxiety for always picking things apart. Always fucking with Dan’s own head.
Dan rolled over and grabbed his duvet, pulling it up and wishing that it would just swallow him whole. Fuck. He couldn’t do it tomorrow. He couldn’t handle this stress.
Taking a deep breath, Dan clutched his duvet tighter in his grasp and tried to keep his lip from wobbling.
Right now he just wanted to sleep. He wanted to forget that he didn’t feel good enough, that yet again his insecurities were screwing him over, that he wanted to cry. He wanted to forget. Unfortunately for Dan the universe didn’t agree and he ended up staying awake for hours after the he had closed his laptop, the entire time doing nothing but thinking, getting lost in his head, and wishing that his thoughts would just turn off.
For once.
Please.
~~~~~~
Dan slung his bag over his shoulder. His fingers felt numb. Unlike his greatest hopes, the fitful-at-best night’s sleep did nothing to alleviate Dan’s terror. If anything, it had only magnified it because now it was today and Dan couldn’t run anymore.
He took a cab to the station, and he ended up being earlier than he needed to be, having about an extra ten minutes to wait for his train. He sat on a bench, his legs nothing but jelly at this point, his fears making it quite easy to foresee his long legs from just giving out on him. Dan didn’t want to make an embarrassment of himself on top of it all, so he tried to calm his racing heart while he sat.
With no luck.
Of course.
Dan looked down at the ticket in his hand. It would be so easy to not go. To walk right out of the station, spend the weekend at home instead of with Phil, and not risk Phil seeing how utterly underwhelming Dan was as a person. He could lie, could say that he ran late, missed his train, maybe his parents changed their minds and didn’t let Dan go.
But God, as Dan looked down at the paper in his trembling hand, he couldn’t help but know that he wouldn’t be able to actually go through with not leaving. He wouldn’t be able to lie to Phil, not about something this big—who was he kidding, he had a hard enough time lying to Phil last night over something so small!
But more than that, Dan knew that it was much more than not being able to lie to Phil. He had wanted to meet Phil ever since he had started to watch his videos, and the sentiment had only increased tenfold with their fast friendship. Phil was now much more than a hero, much more than a few minutes of distraction. He was Phil, Dan’s AmazingPhil, and he was his best friend. That lanky black-haired boy was worth so so much in Dan’s eyes, and he couldn’t, couldn’t, leave him in the dust like that. God it wouldn’t just kill Phil, but it would kill Dan too. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself.
Dan had been thinking too hard. Before he knew it the train was pulling into the station and Dan gulped, raising on still-shaky legs and gripping the strap of his bag so hard he didn’t even have to look to know that his knuckles were blotched white.
As Dan took his seat, a new resolve washed over him. He would go. He would endure this train ride that undoubtedly would be the most anxiety-inducing thing he had done in a very long time—possibly ever—and he would do it for Phil. If Phil would reject him or not, he would try not to dwell on it on the coming trip (a losing battle, Dan knew), but he would still go.
For Phil.
~~~~~
Dan’s heart was going so fast he was sure that he was going to pass out. His hands, his arms, legs, his whole body was trembling.
Manchester’s Piccadilly Station.
Dan was here.
There was a decent amount of people on the station as far as Dan could see as the train pulled in, but none of them looked like his best friend.
The train came to a stop and Dan stood, the first to make it to the doors and there when they opened.
Strangely enough, when the doors pulled open and Dan took a step out into the station, he stopped trembling. His heart slowed—not by much, but it slowed—and this whole thing didn’t seem quite as scary. Sure, Dan’s thoughts were still screaming in his head, sure, his anxiety was still off the charts, and sure, his hands were still sweaty and his breath was still shallow but still. It was as if a calm had washed over him.
Dan wasn’t sure what to make of it. Maybe he was just going into shock.
People busied around him, walking this way and that, talking into cell phones, to other people, some silent. Dan, unsure of everything right now, followed where the general push of people were guiding him, the whole time craning his head, looking for his Phil. He tried not to panic. He tried.
But with every second the calm that had overtook him was shrinking and his anxiety steadily increased.
Did Phil forget? Did he stand me up? Oh God he’s not coming he didn’t come-
"Dan!”
Dan whirled around at the sound of his name, uttered by a voice that sounded so much better when it wasn’t distorted by their shitty computer’s speakers.
Before Dan could register really anything, he was being engulfed in a hug, two strong arms wrapping themselves around Dan’s shoulders, pulling him flush against the figure.
Against Phil.
And instantly all of the shouting in Dan’s head was gone. The slight tremble in his hands vanished, and for the first time in a week, his anxiety was gone without a trace. Dan felt like crying.
Dan gasped in surprise, his brain taking a moment to reboot because Phil didn’t forget, didn’t stand him up, didn’t change his mind, and suddenly Dan felt very, very stupid because how could he ever think that Phil would do something like that. This was Phil, the kindest person on the planet.
Phil pulled away, just a little, just enough so they could see each other’s faces, and Dan had to keep himself from pulling Phil back in.
His smile was so wide, easily the widest Dan had ever seen it. And his eyes, oh God those eyes were a thousand times clearer, a thousand times more mesmerizing than behind a screen. Dan didn’t doubt for a second that he could stand here and look into them for the rest of the day without tiring of their never-ending beauty. Fuck. Why did his eyes have to be so gorgeous.
Dan tore his eyes away from Phil’s and looked over the rest of him, from his broad shoulders that Dan wanted to wrap his arms around, to the tussle of his hair that Dan craved to run his fingers through and the line of his jaw that Dan felt the need to trace. Double fuck. Why did the entirety of Phil have to be gorgeous.
“Dan! I can’t believe you’re here! I have today all planned out; I’m going to show you everything!” Phil said excitedly, a twinkle as clear as day in his eyes. Phil was practically vibrating with excitement and it made a smile spread over Dan’s features. Phil’s happiness was contagious.
Phil stopped his rambling, looking down at Dan sheepishly.
“I mean, if that’s all okay with you. If you don’t want to do something that’s okay, I totally get it. We can do anything you want, I-”
Dan tilted his head back and laughed, laughed because Phil seemed nervous. Phil was nervous and it was adorable.
“Yeah, yeah Phil it’s all fine. All of it, don’t worry. I just can’t believe you want to do it all with me.”
Phil’s smile faded a little, and the twinkle in his eye got that much smaller. He looked a little sad.
“Was this what you were so worried about? That I wouldn’t like you?”
Dan bit his lip and looked down, giving a little nod.
Phil pulled Dan right back into a hug, but this time it felt even more real, and it was impossibly tighter. It felt like Phil was pulling all of Dan’s lost pieces together. Phil’s voice was in his ear.
“Of course I like you, Dan. You’re my best friend. I like you more than anyone else. Promise.”
Dan might have just felt like crying, in that moment. Phil accepted him. He wasn’t going to leave him. Things were okay. They were okay.
He knew that this would hit him later, maybe tonight when he had a chance to process things. He’d probably cry out of relief, but it would all be okay because Phil would be there to hold him together and ease all of Dan’s worries.
Soon enough they set off, hand in hand, and Dan was smiling so wide, so, so wide. He couldn’t have been happier with how things had turned out.
Dan looked sideways at Phil, trying to not be too obvious.
This had worked out so maybe, just maybe, something else could work out for him.
~~~~~
Dan stood at the window, a cup of coffee in his hand. It was early, and he could see the technicolor dream across the sky that was that morning’s sunrise. The steam from his coffee rose from the rim of the cup and slowly diffused into nothing; tendril-like hands wisped up and around Dan’s neck.
It had been nearly nine years.
Dan’s nervousness and dark thoughts never ceased to plague him, however, he learned to deal with it better. He could confidently say that he has never been happier.
It had been nearly nine years, and they were still inseparable. Their channels had grown exponentially, and they boasted an insanely large fan community.
As the years had gone by, their strong, unbreakable friendship slowly blossomed into something remarkably beautiful. Their long Skype calls turned into late night kisses, and they had been happily in love for nearly nine years.
Dan twisted the ring on his third finger. As well as being happily in love, they were also engaged to be married within the next year. Lately, he’d been waking up in complete disbelief.
The thing Dan had wanted so desperately to work out for him did, and in the most perfectly perfect way possible.
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All the numbers
fuck you
1. Who was the last person you held hands with?
uH MY CLOSE FRIEND LMAO? 2. Are you outgoing or shy?
lowkey both?? im more shy but if i know the person im incredibly outgoing 3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?
MY LOWKEY GF4. Are you easy to get along with?
oft no 5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?
YEP6. What kind of people are you attracted to?
ppl who are kind !! also ppl who could either break me or love me 7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?
,, hopefully8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?
,,, can i say keaton henson bc his music makes me sob9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?
no but depending w who lmao :””^10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?
mm i think my friend from school abt shitty people ngl 11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?
”do you think it’d be a good idea for me to run and get tea right now”12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?
ok jeez
1. cherry bomb - the runaways (wow, original)
2. all of sevdalizas songs ever
3. blood // water - grandson
4. charger - gorillaz
5. pools - glass animals
13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?
YESYEYSYESYEYSYES. fuck yes.14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?
mhm!!15. What good thing happened this summer?
err i mean, if u count summer as past summer then convincing my dang dad that i dont wanna stay at my shitty school lmao?? 16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
depends on what kind of kiss !! but ye!!17. Do you think there is life on other planets?
pfft, absolutely 18. Do you still talk to your first crush?
,,, i dont think so tbh19. Do you like bubble baths?
HELL YE I DO20. Do you like your neighbors?
ngl i dont rly talk to them but they seem Nice21. What are your bad habits?
if i dont know someone all too well i tend to joke around w them?? idk its weird but i kinda get annoyed easy as well,, altho another bad habit is my flaky ass backing out of events sometimes22. Where would you like to travel?
i’d love to ,,, travel to scotland or france23. Do you have trust issues?
oh boy i do24. Favorite part of your daily routine?
going the hell to sleep again and wrapping myself up25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?
every part w scars lmao26. What do you do when you wake up?
take my dang meds27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?
,, idk?? i like my skin tbh but it could clear tf up28. Who are you most comfortable around?
my sister29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?
nope :””^ 30. Do you ever want to get married?
yes!!31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?
ye lmao32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?
,,, IM 16 LETS NOT GO HERE33. Spell your name with your chin.
aki34. Do you play sports? What sports?
i work out but i dont play sport lmao35. Would you rather live without TV or music?
without tv, music is my lifeblood36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?
almost always37. What do you say during awkward silences?
i try to joke abt smth usually38. Describe your dream girl/guy?
someone who cares for me smh39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?
T2, I LOVE TEA,,, 40. What do you want to do after high school?
university or nap 41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
yes!! unless they’re super shitty42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?
i’m nervous, anxious or overthinking43. Do you smile at strangers?
i try to ??44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?
oo fuck outer space ty45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?
,, honestly talking to lovely ppl46. What are you paranoid about?
people abandoning me or being completely alone and shut in and just,, closed away from the world47. Have you ever been high?
tba48. Have you ever been drunk?
not rly lmao i have a high tolerance 49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?
,, UM,,, lowkey yes50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?
olive51. Ever wished you were someone else?
before, yes. now? nah, i’m pretty good 52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?
highkey wish i was less anxious 24/7
53. Favourite makeup brand?
NARS. nars. or kat von d altho i hate what she stands for
54. Favourite store?
T255. Favourite blog?
,, idk? 56. Favourite colour?
blue / green!!57. Favourite food?
creme brulee58. Last thing you ate?
a rly good double cheese burger59. First thing you ate this morning?
croissant60. Ever won a competition? For what?
knowledge of novels for school!! or art wise, i’ve won a few comps inside our school61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?
nope62. Been arrested? For what?
nada63. Ever been in love?
smh i fall in love,, way to easily64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?
,, jeez i hate the person who it was with, but it was underneath the harbour bridge after chocolate strawberries and a picnic,, she asked if she could kiss me and i said yes65. Are you hungry right now?
jfc not rly im super content tbh66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?
no @official-akko is a binch (im kidding i love u)67. Facebook or Twitter?
fb68. Twitter or Tumblr?
tumblr69. Are you watching tv right now?
nope but i was watching law and order svu 70. Names of your bestfriends?
beauty, my cat71. Craving something? What?
cuddling someone and gently lying my head on their chest 72. What colour are your towels?
white!!72. How many pillows do you sleep with?
3 binch73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
yes!!74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?
on my bed is 2, but i think at least 5+ around 75. Favourite animal?
i love,, cats,,,, so fucking much 76. What colour is your underwear?
wouldn’t u like to know77. Chocolate or Vanilla?
vanilla78. Favourite ice cream flavour?
mm cookies and cream?79. What colour shirt are you wearing?
dark bluuee80. What colour pants?
grey81. Favourite tv show?
right now its between brooklyn 99 and stranger things82. Favourite movie?
i will never stop loving mulan or the princess diaries 83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?
mean girls 84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?
mean girls i guess 85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?
,, janis ian86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?
uh the turtle smh87. First person you talked to today?
ash!! 88. Last person you talked to today?
rn, its niko89. Name a person you hate?
me90. Name a person you love?
ash91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?
GOD this one asshole from school i will actually brawl92. In a fight with someone?
not rly?? idk93. How many sweatpants do you have?
at least 494. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?
5!!95. Last movie you watched?
legally blonde pfft96. Favourite actress?
i lowkey love madelaine petsch97. Favourite actor?
shrugs loudly98. Do you tan a lot?
no im pale af99. Have any pets?
a cat!!100. How are you feeling?
tired, coffee makes me tired101. Do you type fast?
yep!! i can touch-type too so i dont even have to look most of the time as well lmao102. Do you regret anything from your past?
waayyy too fuckin much regret over what ive done to myself 103. Can you spell well?
ye!!104. Do you miss anyone from your past?
,, my grandma :105. Ever been to a bonfire party?
nope lmao106. Ever broken someone’s heart?
,, i think i have,,, 107. Have you ever been on a horse?
yes!! i go horseriding at least four times during the year108. What should you be doing?
sleeping probably109. Is something irritating you right now?
i have a fuckin itch on my leG110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?
yep,, oh boy 111. Do you have trust issues?
i already answered this lmao112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?
,, my sister because i wanted her to comfort m e shes v sweet113. What was your childhood nickname?
”leash”114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?
yes!!115. Do you play the Wii?
sometimes116. Are you listening to music right now?
i am, its glass animals :””^117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?
yes!!118. Do you like Chinese food?
eh, iffy but i dont mind it!119. Favourite book?
THE NAME OF THE WIND BY PATRICK ROTHFUSS120. Are you afraid of the dark?
only a lil121. Are you mean?
,, i think i am sometimes122. Is cheating ever okay?
never ever ever ever is it okay.123. Can you keep white shoes clean?
yes! if not i fuckin clean em wth124. Do you believe in love at first sight?
not rly? i think love is something you have to grow and share together, kind of like a garden plant? works gotta go into it for it to blossom 125. Do you believe in true love?
i believe in it!126. Are you currently bored?
,, yea lmao127. What makes you happy?
memes, reading and tea ngl128. Would you change your name?
birthname? ye, probably lmao129. What your zodiac sign?
cancer! im an emotional fucking crab130. Do you like subway?
ye!131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?
remind them im a lesbian132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?
binnch this is a past question133. Favourite lyrics right now?
”Our skinIn time would tellCan I hold on to our genesIn my lifeI could not failWhen I run out will you leave?”
134. Can you count to one million?
i can but i’d loose track i have attention issues pfft135. Dumbest lie you ever told?
”i was late because my cat threw up one on of my school uniforms and i had to change”136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?
closed, idk who can trust anyone that much to keep them open137. How tall are you?
5′7!138. Curly or Straight hair?
i have wavy hair if this is asking m e139. Brunette or Blonde?
blonde140. Summer or Winter?
winter141. Night or Day?
night142. Favourite month?
july bc its cold and my birth month143. Are you a vegetarian?
nooppe144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?
milk chocolate!145. Tea or Coffee?
tea146. Was today a good day?
meh, highs and lows 147. Mars or Snickers?
mars148. What’s your favourite quote?
either:a. “And what we learn about ourselves in those moments, where the trigger has been squeezed, is this: the past is not dead. There are things that wait for us, patiently, in the dark corridors of our lives. We think we have moved on, put them out of mind, left them to desiccate and shrivel and blow away; but we are wrong. They have been waiting there in the darkness, working out, practicing their most vicious blows, their sharp hard thoughtless punches into the gut, killing time until we came back that way.” from Trigger Warning (Short fictions and disturbances), neil gaiman
or
b. “Perhaps the greatest faculty our minds possess is the ability to cope with pain. Classic thinking teaches us of the four doors of the mind, which everyone moves through according to their need.First is the door of sleep. Sleep offers us a retreat from the world and all its pain. Sleep marks passing time, giving us distance from the things that have hurt us. When a person is wounded they will often fall unconscious. Similarly, someone who hears traumatic news will often swoon or faint. This is the mind's way of protecting itself from pain by stepping through the first door.Second is the door of forgetting. Some wounds are too deep to heal, or too deep to heal quickly. In addition, many memories are simply painful, and there is no healing to be done. The saying 'time heals all wounds' is false. Time heals most wounds. The rest are hidden behind this door.Third is the door of madness. There are times when the mind is dealt such a blow it hides itself in insanity. While this may not seem beneficial, it is. There are times when reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind. Last is the door of death. The final resort. Nothing can hurt us after we are dead, or so we have been told.” - The name of the wind, patrick rothfuss
149. Do you believe in ghosts?
yes!! i believe that ghosts exist lmao, or at least guiding spirits 150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?
“… but he left his doubts unspoken. Some old wounds never truly heal, and bleed again at the slightest word.” - Game of thrones lmao
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HI!!! i like to request ALL of the flowery asks! btw i LOVE ur blog and maybe u????? idk 🌸🌸 (jk i love u alot)
who is this????????/ under cut bc i get rambly
azalea: what’s one word that describes you?
lame lmao
baby’s breath: what did you want to be when you were a kid?
honestly? my answer’s like yours jen because i wanted to be an astronaut but also a vet and then a few years later i wanted to be something else of a whole different profession but now i know what reality is like and i have no clue what i wanna be whoops
begonia: are you a messy or clean person?
i hate seeing my desk/workspace be messy but i cant bring myself to clean it up either???? bc im lazy
bleeding heart: has your heart ever been broken?
hMMMMm mmm idk i dont think so
bluebell: do you drink tea or coffee?
i drink tea more than i drink coffee but i drink water more than i drink tea i drink water like. everyday lmao obviously but i drink a lot of water its my brand now
buttercup: what are five things that make you apologetically happy?
what does this mean why is the word apologetically there i cancelled it lmao no negativity in this house
my favorite people (u know who + my friends)
when people answer my anon asks and . they respond with a long reply/seem really happy responding thats my fav fam
this is getting real anime but when i get an UR/4* from scouting
finding an anime/manga/book that perfectly suits my taste
im very tempted to just say water bc idk what else 2 say
calla: what’s your favorite book?
ive only read 3 whole books this year but i recommend all of them
challenger deep - neal shusterman (i could go on about this book for days honestly its so interesting and even though its told by the same person it has two kind of perspectives because there are two settings, that didnt make sense but this book is my new favorite)
see you in the cosmos - jack cheng (i love this one too because its just so warm? made me a little emo but its really good and i love how unique it is, text type wise)
a monster calls - patrick ness (this was something i heard from my school first so i didnt know if i really wanted to get it but its actually pretty good?)
carnation: what are your five most played songs?
i cant really check using the music app bc i added the songs at different timings so itll be inaccurate ill just do most played song from each band/group
again - astro (this is their best song dont @ me)
letting go - day6
all in/stuck - monsta x
death by a strawberry - dance gavin dance
check yes juliet - we the kings
chrysanthemum: what are you afraid of?
i may not b a child but im still afraid of the dark bc my imagination is wild im also afraid of bugs and disappointing others nice oh shit im also afraid of asking for things
daffodil: what’s your astrological sign?
capricorn
dahlia: what’s your favorite band?
this question was made for me its day6
daisy: which ‘friends’ character do you relate to the most?
ive never watched friends
dandelion: are you an extrovert or an introvert?
in between!!!!!
geranium: how has your day been?
its been good!!! i managed to ask my mum 2 take me to hair place so i can get it cut finally and im working on updating my tumblr pages and doing all my tags
hydrangea: what’s your dream job?
pass
iris: who’s your celebrity crush?
pass
lavender: what’s one of the best gifts you’ve ever received?
oH FUCK FAM my friends got me a kermit toy for my birthday i lvoe it 2 dEATH
lily: what’s something you’ve achieved that you’re really proud of?
i got first in my class once wow amazing that was 2 years ago i wish i was as good as the me from 2 years ago
marigold: what would you like to do more of, but don’t ?
well i want 2 b more hardworking but guess thats too late
morning glory: are you an early bird or a night owl?
now that school is over and i have no reason to wake up early ive become neither which is saddening because... i like waking up at 7am on weekends and doing things early but now i wake up at like 9-10am and i still sleep at 11pm
orchid: what’s the last movie you saw?
i really dont remember?? maybe uh guardians of the galaxy?? i dont remember who i watched it with and when but it was good actually i remember who i watched it with nvm
pansy: do you believe in love at first sight?
i dont really believe in romantic love anymore
peony: what does your url mean?
chicken fetus means an egg
periwinkle: what are you thankful for?
god get ready folks im gonna go on my biggest boxy rant ever...
so boxy is my friend who ive been mutuals for over a year and our first common interest is love live and haikyuu so we had that to talk about but im bad at keeping conversations with ppl on tumblr so that ended quickly but earlier this year or late last year i made a twitter and told people on here about it and she followed me and i didnt really mind/pay attention to the stuff she posted/rted uNTIL. until that fateful day... june 25th... at like 8pm? she rted a pic of mister brian kang with dumb minion glasses on and ok maybe i do believe in love at first sight? bc wow!!!!! whos this dumbass with minion glasses and the fluffiest hair ??? so i slide into boxy’s dm.. expecting an explanation and she gives me a good one saying how brians from a band (i would later find out), day6 and im not a fan of kpop, never have been.. ive only watched like some kpop mvs bc i love my friends so i expect myself to listen to them and get over them as soon as im done. boxy my friend, bless HER she sends me all of their mvs from congratulations to i smile and i watch the first one - i smile and me? i start smiling and i can feel myself getting excited because holy fuck theyre a band! they play fucking instruments??? and at this point im already whipped then i move onto how can i say and that shit blew my mind let me tell you.. so because of boxy... i get to where i am now, proudly stanning 3 groups and if it were not for her i wouldve never gotten into mx as well... boxy is just?? really important to me her impact is just that great?? so im super!! sUPER thankful for her and i dont think she’ll ever see this but boxy i love u thank u so much!! boxy gave me more than one reason to live, and not just exist?? without her i wouldve never been able to make so many (like 2 but hEY) new friends and this probably got so long idk im just really thankful for boxy thank u lord for blessing us with boxy (@/youngkwhom on twitter) (kittenma on tumblr) i hope shes happy forever and i also hope she has good days for the rest of her life?? boxy deserves it i lvoe u boxy
petunia: where were you ten years ago?
10 years ago i was like 6 probably watching pokemon or some shit and getting glasses
poinsettia: where would you like to be in ten years?
dead thanks
poppy: what’s your online persona?
i dont understad the meaning of persona but an egg??????
rose: who’s the last person you spent quality time with?
all my classmates in an exam hall for 2 hours, quality time indeed
snapdragon: what are your goals?
pass
sunflower: what’s your favorite quote?
i think i had one before but i forgot so maybe it wasnt my favourite lol idk i dont have one now
tulip: if you had three wishes, what would you wish for?
for all of my favourite people to be happy forever
a good future
i want astro, mx and day6 to get an award for all of their hardwork thanks
violet: what’s one thing most people don’t know about you?
i was gonna say smth negative but lets not hm m m i? ?? ill put smth irl ppl probably dont know either uh hhh i guess?? that i eat a lot?? but also get full really quickly but then really hungry right after that idk thanks digestion
zinnia: do you believe in magic?
no ????/ idk is there any evidence that magic exists
JEN !!! thank u so much for asking even tho u probably asked just to get back at me but this was still fun ask memes will never get boring bro,. i love u and i hope u have a good evening also i love ur blog too moon anon probably already told u
to anyone who actually bothered reading through this mess - thank you and i hope you have a good day/night too!!
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