#ive been feeling a lot of things and processing a lot

[not-handsome-enough]

DICK KNUBBLER MAYE STILL BE ALIVE

Kinda

Alright before I do anything take this with a grain of salt, cause it’s probably a continuity error / can be easily explained away BUT if you all would like to hold onto some hope please just hear me out. And also it offers a question for yall.

Alright! So!

On twitter someone had asked Brendon and Gene about Murmaider III and its placement on Dethalbum IV ( which btw shoutout to Gene’s wife that was brilliant ) and Brendon had mentioned that what sets 3 apart from the other two was that it was more dreamlike, and that it was made AFTER Army of the Doomstar. Now since Brendon and Gene weren’t the ones to make the order on the Album we can’t set a timeline for the songs ( though they are set in Brutal to Dreamlike order once again shoutout to Genes wife you goddess ) we can at least say that some songs were made post Army. In fact we could also make some assumptions about what songs were made DURING army. So I’ll separate that list here.

NOTE : YALL DONT NEED TO READ THIS PART THIS IS JUST ME RUNNING WITH “ some songs were made post AOTD which ones could they be teehee “ JUST KNOW MURMAIDER AND SOS WERE AFTER KUBBLER DIED OK SORRy I’m not deleting that whole thing I like it

Songs with “ * “ are canon, the rest are personal interpretation.

DURING ARMY OF THE DOOMSTAR:

* Aortic Desecration ( the first song of salvation but obviously not )

* SOS ( song of salvation )

Gardener of Vengeance ( Nathan directly references this during the scene where he confides in the band and Knubbler that he doesn’t write songs about hope and he’s just doing what he knows. I believe he wrote and recorded this but felt it wasn’t good enough to be the song of salvation and moved on. HOWEVER the language he used could place this as post AOTD because it sounds more like a thrown out there example kinda like how he figured out SOS in the cave )

Poisoned By Food ( Again I think this is a scrapped song of salvation since besides the actual poisoning of food a lot of the imagery feels like the what the metalocalypse was described like )

BLOODBATH ( guess what another scrapped song of salvation. This one feels like a ‘you don’t scare me I’m going to confidently stop you because if I go down you go down with me’ song. Also it could be Nathan trying to reach out to Magnus since he was one of the people on his list. Also quick note I’m going song by song so I don’t know if I’ll notice if any other songs would reflect the list I just got out of work so I’m not gonna catch it all rn )

Horse of Fire ( this is tricky because lyrics like star still blazing allude to this being written before aortic desecration but also Nathan didn’t have the talk with the whale until the deadline came up in which he had to go with aortic desecration <he wouldn’t have had time to write about the fist or the hand.> But the lyrics don’t have the <we should reach out to the fans> revelation that SOS has. Maybe this was a draft for SOS but I think once Nathan figured out what SOS was meant to be it just came to him naturally. I’m not sure. HOWEVER since the doomstar is referred to as a star that is still blazing and not a portal that’s been destroyed it’s safe to say this is not post AOTD. Either way this is an important song to keep in mind if you look at this speculating )

POST ARMY OF THE DOOMSTAR:

* Murmaider III ( stated by Brendon Small in the interview. He said he feels that the boys would have written this after AOTD and based off of interviews he’s had in the past about his songwriting process it’s hard to not take this as canon so. )

DEADFACE ( I think this is post because while the song plays during the movie only Skwisgaar knew about the possession so the lyrics wouldn’t quite make sense yet. It’s a tricky placement but I can see Skwisgaar playing around with it since he does play the notes during the movie )

Mutilation on a Saturday Night ( this feels so much like a we survived so now we’re gonna party song I can’t see Nathan Skwisgaar or Pickles make an argument for this being a Song of Salvation. Also all the fucked up shit they talk about references what happened during the metalocalypse but it’s spoken in past tense like a ‘hey we fucked shit up but we fixed it so now we’re just gonna keep fucking around haha’)

I am The Beast ( simply cause I don’t see this as something Nathan would write during AOTD but the ‘ I am a beast this is my domain and when I speak you scream my name ‘ could work as a salvation line but it feels too much like a Mutilation Saturday Night ‘I can write whatever I want cause I lived and I’m not gonna hold back’ vibe )

Satellite Bleeding ( this feels like the first song they would have written and recorded after the doomstar died. Kinda like watching the sky clear up after a storm. )

Now despite me rambling on about this I would like to draw attention to what’s canon. Specifically SOS and Murmaider III. These songs came out after Knubbler died. Yet Dethalbum IV credits Knubbler for production.

Drawing your attention to how crediting in the Dethalbum works, each album has a little section for Dethklok to get musical credits and thank whoever and whatever. There’s also production credit and location credit. On ALL of the Dethalbums Knubbler is credited as producer. Cause he’s the producer makes sense yeayeyaeyah. But whenever there’s a change in location or production, there’s additional credits.

ANOTHER NOTE: I DONT HAVE THE KLOK OPERA CD I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE CREDITING SYSTEM LOOKS LIKE ON THERE but if someone happens to be selling that cd outside of eBay please let me know

Let’s look at them.

Dethalbum I ^

Shit ton of credits right, and on the other page which I didn’t take a picture of and can’t because I’m not home at the moment there’s credit to Snakes N Barrels for “Kill You” with each member listed. Take note that songs that are considered exceptions are credited differently and locations not at Mordhaus are credited.

I lied I have the other page. For those without the dethalbum cds the actual credits are usually on another page and “Kill You” got mixed in with it

Anyways

Dethalbum II

Hey Knubbies gets to thank someone this time! Anyways once again Knubbler is credited for production, but also Dethklok. Keep this in mind. Also the fact that different location credited for Murmaider II but it’s recorded at Mordhaus

Dethalbum III

Knubbler credit AND Abigail credit along with Dethklok AND once again location credit is Mordhaus and another fuckass place. Only thing that’s not really credited is Magnus with The Hammer but idk if he was like Toki and William where they play the songs but don’t really write or if he actually wrote The Hammer. I’m not a HammerHead, I’ve seen people interpret him as both, but at the end of the day idrk.

So what about Dethalbum IV

Knubbler is credited. At Deus Keep. Only Knubbler. Only at Deus Keep. “But he’s not credited as a Producer” True! If the album was released in universe it would probably be a producer credit. Especially since Brendon and Ulrich have Producer credit on the page prior. Maybe it’s because Knubbler didn’t make it to the final production stage. Or maybe he’s staying hidden undercover..

Remember earlier. He canonically was not around for two of these songs on this album. He could not have recorded OR mixed SOS or Murmaider III. Even if you don’t fully think that Murmaider III was made Post AOTD, SOS was done post Knubbler death. Hell, the song was dedicated to him by William! But there’s no separate credit for SOS.

If we went on the same basis as previous albums SOS would have been credited to that part of Norway where they traveled to that I forgot the name of and I’m not gonna look up but you get the point. Or even Dethklok would have been credited as production. I could also say something about how Murmaider III wasn’t recorded in the Mariana Trench and how the whale isn’t calling to Nathan anymore but that’s for another day. Right now though, it’s just Knubbler. Just Knubbler and Deus Keep.

Which leads to 3 possibilities.

Knubbler Lives: Knubbler survived ( the flashing things on the ground were teleporters ) and Deus Keep is rebuilt. To celebrate their survival they make Dethalbum IV but don’t release it

Knubbler Died: The band recorded the last few songs on the album at the remains of Deus Keep. Knubblers presets aren’t changed so credit remains to him. Once again not releasing it.

It’s not an album: Dethalbum IV doesn’t exist in universe. That’s why there’s no producer credit. That’s why Nathan doesn’t thank the klokateers ( he thanks the army of the doomstar which is just him thanking fans ). Dethklok recording it post AOTD is more to do with how Brendon records dethalbums than in universe writing.

I like to think that this is just an unreleased album in universe since the record label is more than likely destroyed, but it has the possibility of releasing one day if society is rebuilt to what it once was. But it really depends on if you think the album is canon to the universe. Cause there’s no Mordhaus credit on Dethalbum IV and there’s no way for SOS to have been recorded at Deus Keep and blablabla

something fun to think about tho yk?

TLDR: two songs on dethalbum IV were made after Knubbler death yet the credit doesn’t change for him in the dethalbum so there’s a chance that he recorded and mixed those songs cause he is alive and well horray

#metalocalypse #take this with a massive grain of salt #take it with a rock of salt tbh #dick knubbler #I’m rambling like crazy but :( #also I just noticed on dethalbum IV it’s the first time Murderface isn’t placed last in credits #I’ll be honest if Knubbler wasn’t credited at all on dethalbum IV I would have cried very much #I FORGOT TO SPOILER THIS I AM SO SORRY #ARMY OF THE DOOMSTAR SPOILER #SORRY #ARMY OF THE DOOMSTAR

[hananono]

ok some thoughts about the hnk ending now that ive sat with it a little

i think ultimately i am satisfied with phos' ending. theyre among people who are happy just having them around, who have no expectations or ulterior motives—just pure, unconditional friendship. no one's ever offered that to them before. and yes, one day theyll break away entirely, and one day brother will shut down, but thats ok. it doesn't need to last forever. the cycle doesn't have to repeat. the process that lead to all of the pain they were put through isnt going to be renewed.

however, where i feel like things are lacking is in regards to the side characters—pretty much every interpersonal conflict with the gems was never really resolved? like on one hand i think the ambiguity is kind of okay, since i don't think we were ever supposed to see them becoming lunarians as a unanimously happy thing (like, padparadscha is still emotionally distant from rutile, the diamonds are estranged more or less for good, and i think these were left unresolved on purpose)—but on the other hand i feel like a lot of it was just dropped, and there were some things that really should have played out on the page (i am thinking especially of welegato, ghost, and aechmea here). and while i feel like phos agreeing to pray and make them all disappear made sense from an in character perspective, it felt a bit lacking in... vindication? im not sure if thats the right word for it, but emotionally, i felt unsatisfied. aechmea just getting everything he wanted in the end felt kind of lame since he was very much set up as a villain, or at the very least a shithead. i wonder if certain plans ichikawa may have had were changed on the fly, resulting in some of these threads feeling like they were sped through or dropped entirely.

i think one of houseki no kuni's major themes is breaking cycles—and chapter 108 definitely feels like it satisfies this theme, giving us the hope that somewhere out there, these little rocks will do better than the gems, the lunarians, and humanity did. and i think with the direction the manga ended up taking, im not upset with this ending. but i also do kind of wish things had gone a bit differently in regards to a lot of the side characters' arcs, and i think if those had been given the same attention they were given in the early manga, what we could have gotten would have been really amazing. i don't have a super satisfying conclusion to this post either, unfortunately. but i enjoyed the ride regardless.

#tantrum hole #houseki no kuni #hnk spoilers #i hopped on the manga roughly during the night raid arc and i have not once regretted it #even if im kind of ambivalent about this ending overall

[fragmentedhekatean]

wonder how many of us on the Death Work/Witch Path struggled with abandonment and betrayal. there's a certain element of a death of trust that haunts us. I haven't ever literally died but I feel as if parts of me have died over and over again bec I was left alone, I was abandoned and made to feel small and like I had to make up for being me

death has surrounded me and chipped at me for years. It's no wonder I have found so much peace and comfort from deities who have walked hand in hand with death and chaos

there's a loneliness in death I understand and working with the dead and death gods feels less lonely and like I'm helping people make sure they're not forgotten too

#deity work #hellenic paganism #death witchcraft #death work #my practice #ive been feeling a lot of things and processing a lot #hades deity #hekatean witchcraft

[landoffreaksandfrogs]

emotional disconnect.

#homestuck #homestuck art #john egbert #rose lalonde #idk ive just been thinking a lot about how. #john doesnt...react. to extremely traumatic things. #and on some level i wonder how much of it...processes? #a lot of the breath aspect is about letting go and not letting things drag you down #but what happens when you realize that you cant seem to feel the things you SHOULD? #like...of course you should feel sad. but you just...dont. you just focus on the here and now and what you have to do. #and later when youre by yourself you realize. wow. my dad is dead.

[wttcsms]

horribly short summary of what im trying to accomplish here, but if you were to read a fic featuring character, a soldier honorably discharged and is officially off the battlefield and yet he can’t seem to shake off the war from clinging to his body, and he’s basically a bit of a mess and feels incapable of returning to ordinary life and there’s you, the sweetest thing in the whole world, and he keeps trying to tell you he’s no good and you’re there to help him with everything (and it kills him a bit, to see you wasting your time to help him, and it kills him because he feels like he shouldn’t be the type of person who needs help) and !! just slowburn and falling in love and just read the tags for the vibe ok, who would it be for

#i was originally thinking ghost from cod since hello there’s so much source material to work with #and the fic would suit him nicely but also idk if i have cod readers left on my blog #so any characters are fine like an aot character would also prob fit the bill for this #but ive just been thinking abt everyone who’s analyzing hozier’s snippet #with how he takes his coffee black and his whiskey neat and how this girl is too sweet FOR HIM #as in… not being deserving of something so nice #and feeling that way but also showing how in the healing process - in the process of getting better - #we start to discover that we are allowed to enjoy and indulge in nice things. that we also deserve to live a life full of sweetness #and it’s a bit serious since it will touch on ptsd; on survivors guilt #and the fic is long - spanning from getting together to him having kids w u #& how even after all this time sometimes the war is still fresh as ever on his mind #and just !!! it’s a lot #also that Taylor line that’s like ‘is it really your anxiety that keeps you from giving me everything? #‘or do you just not want to’ + ‘you wouldn’t be the first renegade to need somebody’

[wildmelon]

survived the weekend from hell and after a packed, sad, heartwarming, healing, and stressful couple travel days i'm home again... exhausted and drained, but home and feeling so much better after mourning and saying goodbye as a family ❤️ and we also got good news from the vet 🥹 thank you once again to anyone who left a kind comment last week, it meant the world to me 🫶🏼

#im so happy with how the service went bc i put so much effort into making it nice and was so anxious about things going smoothly #i was crying every day about my cat as well while trying to work on everything and be there for my parents who were both falling apart #but now i can say im so proud i was able to be there for them and help make the service beautiful #good example of a time when without my medications i wouldve been toast #instead i was able to process the grief and overwhelm and take care of myself and others #still lots of feelings and grief going on but im glad i can acknowledge ive come a long way in the middle of it ❤️ #lush.talk #personal #death cw #funeral cw #grief cw #animal illness cw #pet illness cw

[orcelito]

I think I cried harder today over my dad's jackets than I did at his deathbed. That was a miserable time of course, a memory that will likely be seared into my brain until I die, but I cried... I think a normal amount, all things considered. More than I ever usually do of course, but I typically don't cry At All. All this free crying is certainly surreal.

The jackets, though. I was put in charge of doing his laundry, because we don't want to pack up dirty clothes. I was expecting it to be unpleasant bc my dad's dirty clothes - gross. But really, it was much more unpleasant in that... those were his. It felt wrong to touch them. Felt wrong to treat his jackets as gross. Because they were just his jackets. They weren't even in the hamper. And then I was remembering him wearing them, and then I was crying. Again. And again. Weeping over these damn jackets.

Then I found a shirt on his bed that still smelled like him. It smelled like a Hug From Dad. And that set me off crying even harder.

In total, I think I cried like 6 times within 40 minutes. It took me that long to finish sorting the damn clothes bc I just. Was a wreck. Like, what are you supposed to do when you're living life like normal, vaguely hopeful bc you're taking steps to secure your own happiness, and then 4 days later you're sorting your dad's laundry because he fucking died. Suddenly. Without a goodbye.

And you have to worry about his lack of a will (even under an ideal situation, only 2 heirs and no conflicts between us, probate's a fucking Bitch), and arranging the funeral, and prepping his obituary, and picking out pictures, and writing a speech bc you want to talk at his funeral, of Course you want to talk at his funeral, but even just thinking about anecdotes you could share has you crying yet again.

I've cried more times in the past 3 days than likely the entirety of last YEAR. And that's WITH my cat, and uncle, and family friend dying. Those all hurt, my uncle most of all, & I was real fucked up over it. But this? This was my Dad. Likely the person I'd have named 2nd closest to me in my life, second only to my sister. He wasn't perfect, but he did so much for me throughout my entire life. All he wanted was to raise us to be happy and independent. And he accomplished it, we're getting by without him, but we still wanted several more decades with him. He was only 57. We should've gotten several more decades with him.

But here we are now. Playing investigators to his life, digging into all his shit, trying to find documents and take inventory of all his things, and learning Many things about him in the process. In his lockbox of sensitive documents, like his SSN and birth certificate and all that stuff, we found an old letter. About a decade old now, written in my hand. Right at the very top, we found that he'd kept the letter I wrote to him telling him frankly about my struggles and the things I wanted him to do better. He kept it. He tried to take it to heart. He looked at it again, sometime more recently than all the rest of the documents. That was on top.

His love for us is evident everywhere. The pictures he has hanging up all over the place, majority of them with us in them. The old fathers day cards placed on display in his bedroom bookshelf. The gifts we gave him, even stupid little knick knacks, placed around his apartment with pride. I wish we'd taken more videos of him. I don't want to forget the sound of his voice. I don't want to forget his smell either, the smell of a Hug From Dad, but I still tossed that shirt into the wash even though it felt like saying yet another goodbye.

It's the suddenness that hurts the most, I think. We were planning on having him help me finally get my license this year. My final words to him, the last thing he would've seen from me, were messages asking up on whether he'd called his car insurance company to make sure there wouldn't be problems. I should've called him more. I don't know if I'm going to learn from this.

I cut my 2 weeks off early to have time to grieve and to work on things for the funeral and settling the estate. The last thing I'd wanna do right now is selling fucking bubble tea in a job I already decided to leave. So here I am without a job, though with potentially two life insurance policy payouts to come. Inheriting half his 401k. Inheriting couches, knickknacks, keepsakes, paintings, art pieces, maybe even his guitar and other furniture if we can figure out what to do about space (I don't have room for this furniture, I don't know if I even have room for the couches, but God do I want to keep so much of this furniture). It has me even considering keeping one of his guns, just one. A tiny little revolver, it sits so comfortably in my hand. I don't even want to use it for anything. I just want to have it, keep it stored in a drawer with its ammo kept separate. I don't like guns, but this is a part of him. He loved collecting guns. He was about as responsible with them as someone can be, keeping them locked in a lockbox and impressing upon his children the importance of gun safety (I've known the basic gun safety rules ever since I was a little kid. Of course, of course, of course.) It reminds me of him. It's horrifically easy to have a gun in Indiana. I apparently don't even need a permit to carry anymore. (I have no intention to ever carry this in public.)

It's all a cycle. Business, grief, thoughts about my future. Round and round, like the most nauseating carousel in existence. I don't know how I'm still so functional. My skills with compartmentalization have been my lifesaver.

And im just thinking about the story my dad's best friend shared today. About a friend of theirs who lost her father. She reached out after hearing about my dad to share his words with her: "it's okay to grieve, but don't make his death your life".

He explicitly referenced himself in this, saying if he were to die suddenly that he wouldn't want us to define ourselves by it. Grief is expected, but he wants us to be able to move on. He's always wanted us to establish ourselves and make ourselves happy. He wouldn't want to be a weight holding us back from that.

So every time I start to feel guilty for thinking about having nicer furniture or using his life insurance payout to fund the rest of my college, I remind myself of that. Thinking about the material isn't a bad thing. I'm only human. And in the end, he'd Want me to be thinking about it. He never intended to die, certainly not without warning like this, so he would've only encouraged me being pragmatic about it all.

He only ever wanted us to be happy. So I need to do what I can to live up to that.

I love him. I miss him already.

#speculation nation #negative/ #this got really long on accident. but i think typing this out was really helpful for me. #getting the thoughts out. processing. the works. #nearly cried several times just from writing this. #...and honestly i might reference this again when i start seriously writing my eulogy. #things suck a Lot right now. and i really wish they were different. #feels like i picked a bad choice in a video game and am now seeing the Bad Ending or whatever #all i need to do is reload a previous save. it's all still there. perfectly preserved in my memories. #but... that's all gone. as suddenly and unfair as it is ive been thrust into a new chapter of my life so thoroughly. #it's not all bad though. he wasnt prepared for dying so it's been hell to prepare for him #we dont know if we'll even be able to get into his fucking iphone. stupid piece of shit. #but he had life insurance. he had a union job. and That comes with benefits #(something about a year's salary going to the family. aka half a year's salary to Me. and isnt That mind boggling.) #as much as it hurts im going to be realistic about it. im going to do what i need to finish my education. #and im going to use it as a springboard for finally becoming a 'proper adult'. #the kind who could own a nice kitchen fridge. one with an ice machine on the front of the door #and freezers in the drawers. #maybe then i could think about getting motorcyle lessons. not from my dad as i originally wanted #but i wanna keep the family biker spirit alive. i wanted it even before he died. and now i want it even more. #ive had so so many thoughts. it's only been 3 days. ive had to emotionally numb myself several times just to Get Through It. #everything is exacerbated. my mom wants to go to the funeral. we will have to fight her on this. my dad Hated her. #and i certainly dont fucking want her around either. not then. not when im talking about my dad. #(my dad. my Dad. i saw him die. i felt him cold. i do not regret it. it still hurts me.) #it's overwhelming. i loved him so fucking much. even with his flaws he was truly an amazing father. #i'll... shut up now. if you read this far. well. hug your loved ones a little tighter. you never know when youll lose them.

[arsenicflame]

well i think its finally time to open this box

#sorry gang apparently i am incapable of sticking to my word and am continuing to have a personality on main and subject you all #to all of my bullshit #i am doing my best but i am a weak bitch who does not know how to process feelings #so its a fucking miracle im opening this box tbh. ive wavered a lot around this one #this round of thinking is being brought on by the probable imminent break up between me + my gf 🙃👍 #its been on the cards for a hot minute i mean. she hasnt sent me a message since the 8th of march until today and its like a. #we need to talk message so. like im not surprised. ans ive been thinking about it all a lot recently #i dont really want to realise im aro while im with someone so ive been avoiding it but like. ive been thinking. and ive been thinking if we #shouod break up too anyway because like. i get i am so hard to be around. but nothing. for a month. even a silly picture. it hurts dude #but i kinda didn't want to push because. i know i am. me. and a lot. and i know shes got stuff on her plate. but so do i #maybe we're both no good #to be around #nyxtalks #this is very not helpful in my whole. everyone i love leaves me eventually so i should isolate myself and push them all away thing i guess #but i dont think. i want to cling. i dont wanna be that pathetic. #she can do better than me (i cant do better than her) #i mean. idk ive been questioning if im aro anyway so. idk #i dont fucking know #honestly this is gonna be so cringe if this isnt what she wanted to talk about but like. what else could it possibly be i guess #dude i am so sorry if you read this this turned into relationship vent rather than my feelings around aromanticism #those are.complicated enough for their own post and i probably need to talk to some actual aromantic people about that

[courviknight]

today worst day ever 🥹🥹 so glad to be home

#god forbid. a person ik owes me money and im lowkey getting annoyed bc i feel she has it but wont give it to me 😞 i paid for sm of her food #and i felt like she kept interrupting my convos w ppl!! i need her to get off my back #like i dont understand why she asks me to go outside to get food?? if she doesnt order??? like ik i have a complicated money process and its #annoying af IM SORRYYY IM INCONVENIENT!!!! but also man. the app was down at an inconvenient time for two days #and i couldnt pay thru gcash 😞😞 #so i 1) went out for NOTHING and 2) just felt so sad idk like ;(( #when i came back i was just sad. like idk i felt ashamed to ask for money bc im so annoying or smth #some of my other band mates asked if i str and i just started to PISS MY EYES LIKE IM SORRY!!!!! #idk i feel like i just release stress out in bursts like that like why cant i express these things normally #like i have a past gripe bc i used to be so sensitive as a kid i wojld cry and ppl would just give me things #and like. idk. i dont want to come off as that like im not crying for attention you asked me How are uou Doing and the doing came out thru #pissing my eyes out. idk what else to say fellas #i got issues 😞 but im so grateful there were ppl looking out for me when i was feeling annoying and was broody #i feel like a lot of ppl ive met havent been able to handle that v well and its like oh man that explains why i try #not to cry in the first place!! hahaha okay!!! #but like yeah man. idk i am miffed w this girl bc like. it just always feels like she tries to ctrl what or who i talk to #i cant wait to not be classmates w her 😔 #caw.txt #vent

[kkoct-ik]

why am i so many people

#kostik speaks #1am thoughts ignore and shoot me #i keep thinking im some flat 2d boring default personality #i kinda dont like myself for that. i feel like i just take things and dont respond and keep a dead face and nothing to love #but alongside processing one thing i realised that i am so many people. even on my own i am so many people #i keep forgetting that. i overlook it because i dont like myself and i prefer to see myself as having the depth of a piece of paper #but im so many people. im the product of so many lives and dreams and joys #lots of love went into me #the love of all my weird stupid components who loved and healed #i keep forgetting that. why do i hate myself so much actually #i feel like im blocking myself off from everything im made of #theres so much to love in me. so many people who love each other in me. im being built and have been built #there are so many people in me #im just digesting that. i think ive been ignoring that fact for a while now #i dont like myself because im shallow and have nothing in me but im not .? #i think im too used to disconnecting from myself #even this far into healing i ignore what im made of because im more comfortable being nothing #i dont want to be anything and i dont want to be my everything because there is so much in me #and yet i love me. i love every single me. i try to #why do i hate myself so much when all of me is so loved. i want happiness for all of me #and yet it feels impossible to love me. its confusing. i forgot how many people i actually am. i forgot how many of them i loved #no wonder i feel such a loss for the mes i loved. i know theyre deeper and more loved than i thought i ever could be #but i am #theyre me? #its just. if theyre me. then i am deep and lovable and everything else #and that betrays everything i knew about myself #why are they me. i loved them so much. how do i reconcile the fact that im not lovable and yet i loved me #head on the table. groan to scream #hi i promise im not losing it. keep scrolling

[sanguith]

i'm glad i decided to try out a ketosis diet again (aka changing my metabolism to basically only use ketone bodies made from fatty acids for energy by reducing carb intake to max 20g/day) for a few weeks because it was a neat experiment but i'm also glad I decided to stop because now i get to enjoy life's greatest fucking simplest yet finest delicacy: mashed potatoes/sweet potatoes with melted butter and salt. i cannot understand how i could live without that. just. vegetables. keto has opened my eyes to new ways to cook foods and experiment with ingredients but i don't think i can live without carbs. i doubt that the majority of people could. also have you any idea how much good simple near-zero effort food there is out there like holy gosh darn in heaven. i don't have to spend hours cooking something to have a nice meal

#food mention #diets #actually anything carb with butter and salt. how can it be so good. call me a lazy goob but i once just microwaved corn and butter #added salt. and it was the most delicious fuckin thing ive ever eaten #i've done low-carb in the past and tried keto a few times and always it felt so great after the keto flu disappeared after a few days #but this time the keto flu did not go away. i felt so weak and awful but at the same time i had less brain fog. and never felt hungry. #but it was werid. i think it might have been because i've been kinda high carb for the last few years and the change was so strong & sudden #also electrolyte imbalances can happen on keto if you're not careful. it's complex. #anyway it got me to eat a bit healthier like (almost) completely avoiding processed foods and unnaturally high sugary stuff #which i just want to generally avoid for personal health reasons which is a whole can of worms but i just dont want to overindulge #sure i can eat an entire bag of candies or chips in an evening if i feel like it but I *feel* my body just being like “nooo” and sure enoug #the next morning i do feel a little bit extra like shit #and another thing: i think i benefit from abrupt diet changes now and then. it feels natural in a way. ye olde scavenger hunter genetics #ya know. our nomadic ancestors would probably have to do that a lot when things weren't year-round available #sometimes only meat for months on end in cold seasons/areas #sometimes basically only plants and nuts roots and seeds and stuff #it's actually remarkable how human metabolism can adapt so much depending on what's available to eat #sometimes fasting for days when food was just nowhere to be found. #i'm not saying “stress your metabolic system it's good for you'” (it probably isnt) just idk. mixing it up a bit at least works for me #btw disclaimer i HATE the whole thing about diet-pressuring and some people claiming that certain diets will solve everything #it doesn't solve all health problems magically. ”"”superfoods“”“ are not a 100% faultless scientifically proven thing. #shit like ''the paleo diet is the number one key to optimal health without medications!!'' no. shut. #on the other hand i do believe diets can help a bit like a nudge. it's just one factor out of many that affects how we feel #ANYWAY conclusion: eat what you want. do what feels right for you. find your own ways to make the food you eat help your health a bit #or don't! be yourself! love yourself! #the chosen method is gonna be different for everybody #but from now on im gonna try and eat as close to natural unprocessed foods as I can in this day and age. it feels right for me somehow. #i think *my* preferred method/diet whatever is to mainly eat natural unprocessed foods and to mix it up a bit now and then with change #for that sweet ''METABOLIC ADAPTATION'' perk that feels good for me #(why did this post become so long. nobody cares. anyway i don't care if nobody cares. i care. *I* care!!! wooopp)

[theunconcernedembalmer]

Mr Gatto, do you like doing your job? Is it something you enjoy doing?

(Also take care of yourself Mun! :D)

Even after everything... I don't think I will be changing my job anytime soon.

#identity v #aesop carl #identity v embalmer #identity v ask blog #identity v the embalmer #gatto event #hi anon thanks for the concern XD #im doing alright i just have this insane depressive block that has been impeding y creative processes #so ive been trying a lot of things to get out of it #one option is to wait it out but im miserable doing nothing. so i will force it out and feel slightly better that at least i did something #i probably should have spaced oout my posts i clear the inbox really really quickly #ill try to get some stuff out while i can. since im free for the month before work resumes n i disappear again #seriously though its frustrating sitting down staring at a blank canvas for 10 mins with 0 ideas and low energy #and then resigning myself to going back to lying down and mindlessly scrolling twitter or whatever #every single time i try to do something i end up back on my bed. for days on end. it makes me want to throw myself down a flight of stairs #at least with asks i have something to work towards and thats so much better even if i do end up back on the bed afterwards #this sounds like a very pathetic show of begging for asks. which i guess it is??? #its just that. i used to have so many ideas. i used to draw so many comics. i want to cry every time i compare that with myself now #has work killed off so much of my creativity? probably. but i just really want it back. so im trying my best #i didnt mean to get this emotional in the tags but this is really something ive been struggling with a lot right now #so if u have the time to spare. just drop something dumb in my inbox. it helps a great deal. much greater than i can express #but anyway if ur reading this im still very grateful for the support u have shown to the blog in one way or another. #so thank you very much n i hope the day will treat you kindly #less than three

[the-kipsabian]

in actual good news of today tho

imma be getting my first binder

#reduce the booba and hopefully feel less dysphoric in the process #its a trial run for me to see if it helps me so. fingers crossed tbh #as this is something ive been thinking for a long time and wanted to try for myself to see if it helps any #and now a friend of mine is getting top surgery so hes giving his stuff away and according to charts we're the same size so yee #this just.. makes me incredibly happy. theres a whole lot of other little things that make this an incredible moment and milestone for me #but yeah. just so im not constantly negative on main lol #night is an absolute mess on main

[bbeelzemon]

sometime this past year i had the experience of uh experiencing [something trivial i dont even remember at this point], and then felt in real time as my brain changed the memory right in front of me. like i Knew that my memory was now incorrect, but i couldnt remember what Actually happened. and i think that moment is the first time i ever truly started to realize that my memory in particular is not infallible and that brains change your memory of things and events all the time, especially over several years

#that last post about actively feeling yourself forget something made me think of it #theres not really any point to this post besides just thinking out loud to others i guess #anyway since that realization ive now gone down countless mental health and traumatic memory research rabbitholes #that i feel are leaving me more at peace with myself than ive ever felt in my life #dont get me wrong ive been having a fucking year but a lot of it is because i cant do much besides internally processing things #revealed some friends in my brain even :) #anyway my current read is the body keeps score . im listening and im fucking Learning some things about myself #anyway yeah so thats basically what ive been up to since i stopped talking online as much this year . whats up #i really am becoming more at peace with all facets of myself than ever before though. mentally and physically and emotionally and socially #potentially evidenced by the fact that i can actually hold conversations online again! #idk im just ready to finally start living my life again now #i made it through the trenches of my mindscape and i have more external AND internal support than ever before. Maybe I Can Do This #Maybe I'll Be Okay.

[oatbugs]

whenever i think/talk abt a "you" it's at least 5 different people usually

#ive been thinking about how you separated the star of david into triangles and taught me about the equilibrium about as above so below #are we in equilibrium? ive been thinking about the star of david and the rest in peace beneath it #fuck the fascists and fuck how they took you and fuck how theyll take everyone. am i good at analysis? #it turns out weve all been lying a lot. it turns out the person weve all lied the most to was ourselves. #ive been thinking about your 5 journals and a whole week of crying just to realise our sin. you felt like a nucleus inside a fuzz of #electrons and i felt like the fuzz of electrons. we caught a ribbon and followed it past the point of discomfort #this is how you breathe so that you dont die and this is how you breathe so that you do. on your own terms. #i am going to be a good architect. i am going to be a good engineer. i am going to be a good neuroscientist. i am going to be good. #i reserve the label for being a let-go-of-labels person. i am going to be the one who lets go of identifiers #and make it my identity. how do you achieve constant bliss? separate the nucleus and the fuzz. #suffering from the impact of the self and the self-image، you told me about the bliss of separation. #okay. let them hate the cloud. youre inside of it all. i am nothing. this is not a label for the self. mereology is a lovely thing. #baby you are ripping through all these spiderwebs just to live. this is part of the normal developmental process. i am surrounded by people #who throw sums of millions out of their mouths like any other lovely word. i cant stand the thought of your loss #except only in theory. ive been thinking about the bird with the broken wing in florence and how we stood around it until #two friends picked it up and took it home in hopes of nursing him back to flight. ive been thinking about how we are designed to care #for each other. tomorrow you will have your dreams crushed. the day after you will keep going. we are sharing #in the wonders of being perceiving beings. isnt that enough? why do you need to perceive the monstrosity of your own soul? is it #because i love you? is it because you love yourself? you love yourself enough to allow yourself to feel the terrible corners of you. #you can finally stand on your own. you can only stumble forward until you walk for the first time.