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kravisaweeb · 1 year

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okay ive just been thinking about bkdk wayy too much recently (when am i not, though, honestly?) and i just Have to dump my thoughts somewhere. these are my own personal opinions and if you don't agree 100% (or at all) that's perfectly fine!

it's kinda Long and Rambly so beware lmao

so ive been reading more bkdk meta (of course) and like, i have so many conflicting feelings cause. y'all, no amount of evidence and logic and reasoning and thematic and narrative parallels and development and arc conclusions and build-up and Everything will make a weekly shonen jump main title gay. that's My opinion as a terribly bitter cynic, and it is in no way meant to rain on other people's parades (if you think they will be canon, you are more optimistic than i and are making the world a sweeter place). I've just been burnt too many times, i don't really expect anything from mainstream media At All—only indie content gets my unfiltered hype and hopes—and whenever things do shake up differently from what i thought, it's a nice surprise! cause the alternative is, This Mountain of Evidence and Development... and then oops get hit with the straightification beam on the last second.

"but it would be so unsatisfying! and completely out of nowhere! and just plain out of character! and ignore so much development! and it wouldn't make any sense at all with what has been established in the story!" Yeah. i know! im as angry and annoyed and disappointed about it as anyone. and yet, so many fucking times, that's how it goes. it would be terrible, and weird, and completely against everything that's been set up, and yet it would happen anyway. this is true even for things that are not shipping-related—ask game of thrones how it ended. cause executives are Executives everywhere, including the "west", which is """"supposedly"""" more liberal (lol, lmao). people with money that make all the decisions force creatives to comply, or fight with tooth and nail and blood and sweat and tears into allowing them to make the story they DO want to make. so it's really hard for me to see it in any other light, when i have seen it happen so many times before.

and yet.

And Yet. i cant help but think, but wonder—what is it all for then, anyway??

i can honestly say, taking off my shipping goggles for a moment, bkdks platonic relationship has ended. it really ended two years ago, culminating when bkg took a bullet for him, and then was cemented when he apologised, you know, to trample down any doubts. there we go, narrative concluded! from rival to best friend. all loose threads tied in terms of their relationship. if that's how it had ended, how it had stagnated, remained in stasis, with this New Dynamic the new canon going into the final battle then show over. yeah. typical shonen bestie stuff. it would have ended and i would have gone "oh they were in LOVE fr" forever, but knowing that people who were like "this is what besties are like! this is what siblings are like!" also had as much of a claim to their interpretation as mine (even if i didn't personally agree w it lmao)

BUT IT DIDN'T STOP THERE and i have to ask why???? WHY is it more central i Don't Get It. i dont understand? i really dont get it cause.... why? bkg is important to deku, yes. other people are also important to deku (all might, his mom, his other friends, civilians, any lost pet he has to kill himself over cause he is a Good Caring Shonen Protag). that has been established for forever. so i don't rly understand the necessity to further highlight that One part of his personality (caring about kacchan) to motivate him into fighting the Big Bad Villain, when 1. he would've fought the villain anyway cause that's what heroes do, and 2. it could have been a generic "you hurt my friends!!" and like lump in more people there, like in the first war arc where several people got hurt (aizawa, gran torino, etc).

but No! you hurt that guy. that guy, that while he was dying, the villain, textually, explicitly says, "i am hurting you because it will make deku angry and sad, since you are his most important person" (that's almost a fucking quote im basically QUOTING here). and it's like, what? lmao wait. what?? why???

what is it building up towards?? i dont get it. it's not going to build up to the apology/their relationship being mended (what we thought would be the climax of the whole thing), cause that already happened. there's no "oh my god if kacchan dies he'll never get to say sorry!" stakes, or "oh my god if deku fails he'll never be able to be friends with kacchan again!" stakes, cause like, that already did happen though. i mean i know obviously in real life, you do things for people just for their sake, not because of what it will mean for your narrative arc. but this is a made up story and thus needs storytelling reasons for shit to happen. so what is the reason for deku needing to be pushed, needing to be backed into a corner, over kacchan dying? why did bakugo have to die (had to get FRIDGED, it's a trope and everything), if not so that his death would fuel dekus rage (which we were told explicitly was the reason why)? why, out of everyone on the battlefield, out of everyone in the CAST, did it have to be bakugo, the one to make deku Lose It?

i mean we know why, but still. what? is it really, textually, canonically That?

i just don't get it. and secretly, deep deep inside, i really hope we get to find out soon

#bkdk #dkbk #bkdk meta #idk how to tag this lol #it's just me rambling!! cause i have so many FEELINGS

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magicstormfrostfire · 6 months

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Im so tempted to delve further into my dream with the copies of Sonic Shadow and Silver but im worried ill get in over my head. I have cardigan au and equinox au and a third au ive been mulling around so i can play with Sonilver and Blazamy. (which i have a first chapter for but ive had it for like 2 years just sitting there cuz idk what to do with it)

But the dream I had, the more i think about it the more I want to play with it some more. I already drew for it a bit. But im scared of getting burnt out again. My creativity is in shambles and inconsistent and I have so many things that ive already started but dont feel like finishing. Do i REALLY need to start another AU when i have some unfinished fanfics for my current ones??

#bleeehhhh #im still stuck on Blizzard Bedfellows sequel ffs #like i have that draft just sitting there #ultimately other people's opinions help me when i cant figure out what to do #but like. i dunno. im not really super close enough to anyone to get feedback who is ALSO into Sonic #and understands my plight #aaugughh

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fauxpaux · 8 months

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update

Right. So. Apologies (not really) for the impromptu, long-ass hiatus yet again from writing, but as it turns out I've been extremely busy.

A lot of shit has happened, irl and the like, and aside from being busy remaking a costume, classes have also been a huge bitch.

Not to come on here and cry and whine about how hard it all is but really just to give a time estimate of when I'm assuming I'll be back to writing in my free time.

October is always an extremely busy month for me because Halloween is my favorite time of year and I will literally go to as many events as I physically can. So most of the month will be booked. I assume I'll be back in a writey mood after Halloween weekend passes, but whos really to say?

November and December aren't necessarily event-heavy, but I WILL be attending Midwest Furfest as The Oposstag and hopefully joining the dance competition too! (So a lot of practice, a lot of wear time and a lot less FREE TIME) (MWFF is at the end of November beginning of December so really until December starts will I be busy as hell.)

I'll probably post some stuff about the finished Oposstag costume on Glareandgrowl if you care to view him (I don't think ppl over there do much either), but as for writing timelines I THINK I'll be working on finishing the short/one-shot stuff first (ive got 2 I think?) and then getting on with Assassins. (Or Cigarettes tbh I really want to write more for both so we'll see which one yanks my interest the quickest)

This break has been really good for me if I'm honest, since I've been writing Assassins for like a year straight and haven't really given myself time to focus on other creative things like hands-on projects. I was worried when I stopped to focus on The Oposstag that I had lost interest in Dangan as a series, as well as its characters and my stories. But nope! Turns out I was just a lil burnt out and hated myself!

PSA over. Sorry its so long (not really), but just a quick update on stuff since every time I post a new cigarettes chapter I get at least one comment worried the story will be discontinued.

Not a lot of people follow this account, since its not glareandgrowl, but if you did, for some reason, read this whole thing, thanks. I appreciate YOU specifically.

#longsheeptalks #longsheepfic

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nashibirne · 3 years

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Gimme Shelter - 2

Ready for chapter 2? Here it is. This whole fic, but especially this part, was inspired by this article/interview. Men's Journal Article In particular by Henry's statements about his time at boarding school.

In this chapter we learn about Henry's and Kat's past. I hope you enjoy it. If so, please leave me a comment, like or replog. 💜

Previous part -> Nashi's Masterlist

Pairing: Henry Cavill x OFC (Kat Spencer)

Words: ~3.4k

Summary: Henry has to deal with a personal crisis and he finds shelter with his old rugby mate Sam and his sister Kat. She used to be Henry’s best friend a very long time ago. Will they be able to become friends again or maybe even more? Chapter 2: Kat remembers the day Henry hurt her very much and they have the unavoidable conversation about it.

Warnings: RPF, mention of bullying, angst, humiliation

No beta! All mistakes are mine. English is not my mother tongue so expect bad grammar and wrong spelling.

Disclaimer: I don’t know the real Henry Cavill, this is pure fiction and nothing more

Credits: Pics for the moodboard from Pinterest. Faceclaims: Kat = Jennifer Connelly

Taglist (please let me know if you want to be added or removed)

@lunedelorient @inlovewithhisblueeyes @willkatfanfromasia @hell1129-blog @mis-lil-red @agniavateira @kebabgirl67 @omgkatinka @legendarywizarddetective @summersong69 @taebfada @xxxkatxo @madbaddic7ed @artandotherdelights @sweetlybigdragonn @notabronte @littlefreya @luclittlepond @eldarwen333 @meowpurrbooks @marantha @rn7rocks

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"And I say I'll never hurt her

But she knows it isn't true

'Cause although I never told her

I think she knows 'bout me and you."

From "When Susannah Cries", written by Amund Bjorklund/Espen Lind

****

Kat found herself confronted with Henry all alone after a week of avoiding him. Of course they had met when they had dinner together in the evenings but she had stayed out of Sam's and Henry's conversations most of the time and during the day she stayed in her office, busy with work. Sometimes she secretly watched him, peeking out of her window, when he played with Kal in the garden or when he was doing workouts or stretching when he came back from one of his runs, but she avoided meeting him.

She knew it was idiotic but she just couldn't forget their past. She felt childish and silly and of course it was unavoidable to talk about it at some point but she wasn't ready yet. On this Friday morning she was sitting in the kitchen having breakfast when he came back from his morning run unusually late.

"Morning, Kat." He flashed her a bright smile before he started to make a protein shake and an egg sandwich. He looked fantastic even when he was sweaty and worn out.

"Good morning." She avoided his gaze and concentrated on her porridge.

"Mind if I join you?" Henry pointed at the chair opposite of her.

"No. Please, sit." Kat gave him an awkward smile. It still felt so strange to have him around, it made her uncomfortable and tense.

"I already said this to Sam, the house is beautiful. I mean it always was, I remember it very well but what you made of it is great. Modern and traditional at the same time, perfect mixture."

"Thank you." She didn't know what else to say but Henry didn't seem to mind her taciturn reply, he kept on smiling and talking.

"I was pretty surprised when I heard that you moved here. I mean, you were always a big city girl, you hated Stowe, and then...St. Ives...not only for holidays but for good…"

"Yeah. At some point I was getting sick of the big city lights, of all the hectic and the noise and all the crowded places." Kat explained shrugging. "And when our parents thought about selling the house after their divorce, Sam and I decided to buy and renovate it. He was looking for a place to open a practise anyway and the old vet in town was giving up his, so it was the perfect opportunity for him and I can work from anywhere so we moved here."

"Right, Sam mentioned you're an editor."

"Yes. I have a little editing office and work as a freelancer for different publishing houses."

"That's great, Kat. You've always been good with words."

She smiled and this time it was more relaxed. "And you've always been a good entertainer."

Henry chuckled. "Most of the time you found my little performances annoying. I remember that very well."

Kat laughed. "You're right. When you tried your stand up comedy on me. That was a pain in the ass. But you were great on stage. You were a natural."

"We were a great team, all of our drama group."

"That's true but you were outstanding in Grease. Everyone said that. I remember our parents were gushing over your performance all night after the premiere." She laughed again and rolled her eyes.

"That must have sucked. Didn't your mother want to make you join the drama group too?" "Yes. And she hated that I preferred to write for the school newspaper. She thought I was wasting my creative potential."

"She was wrong. Your articles always were the most progressive, interesting and polarizing ones."

"Yeah, maybe. But she was right when she said you were extraordinarily talented. You're a great actor."

"Thanks, Kitty."

Her smile froze. Kitty. He was the only one who'd ever called her that. And he stopped doing it 22 years ago.

"I'm sorry, Kat. I don't know where that came from." He said with a remorseful frown.

"Just don't call me that ever again."

"Of course not. Unless you ask me to." He gave her a sheepish smile.

She shook her head, visibly annoyed. "Not gonna happen."

"Kat. Please, I'm really sorry and I know I lost every right to call you that a very long time ago but maybe we can start over again. Talk about what happened. I never got the chance to explain…"

"Don't even start, okay? I don't wanna hear it." She interrupted him mid-sentence and started to stir her coffee so angrily that she spilled half of it on the table.

Henry began to chew on his bottom lip. "It's just that my therapist told me to follow through my past, to take a close look at the mistakes I've made...to learn from them."

"My, my...too bad my therapist told me the exact opposite. Let the past die. Kill it if you have to. That's what he said."

Kat shrugged apologetically.

"That's not something a therapist would say, Kat. This is from Star Wars The Last Jedi. Ben Solo said this to Rey."

He knew the quote. Still a nerd, Kat thought. Still that damn cute dork.

"Never underestimate the wisdom of a Star Wars character."

"Ok, I get it. You don't wanna talk about it." Henry raised his hands in surrender.

"You catch on quick, don't you?" Kat said sarcastically.

Henry shook his head, rolling his eyes with an annoyed snort.

"Alright, let's keep it under the cloak of silence."

"Yup."

"Fine."

Kat crossed her arms and stared out of the window. Henry was fuming with anger. Why wouldn't she let him explain? Make a fresh start? They were 16 back then, stupid teenagers, why wasn't it possible to talk about this damn night now, 22 bloody years later? He bolted down his sandwich and his shake and left the room without another word.

****

Kat went upstairs after this unpleasant encounter and plopped down on her bed with a desperate sigh. She remembered that damn night so fucking well. Still. After all these years. It was burnt into her memory as the biggest humiliation of her life. The day her heart broke in a way, no man had ever been able to repair it. Superficially maybe but not to the core. That stupid summer dance. Kat closed her eyes and suddenly she was sixteen again.

I really don't know why I'm already wearing that silly dress three hours before I have to go, I didn't want to have it at all. At least not before Henry suggested going to the dance with me. As friends of course but nevertheless. It will be the two of us together. You and me, Kitty. Two lonely hearts. That's what Henry said to me. That was four weeks ago and ever since that day it's all I can think about. I look at my reflection in the mirror and I like what I see. The dress is cute, it's light blue and quite romantic with all the frills and the puffed sleeves and I feel like an Edwardian lady from one of the novels Henry and I love so much. I feel pretty and I want to be pretty for him. I want to look like a girl tonight, not like a tomboy. I even bought a headband with little flowers. I'd really love to hear Amy's opinion on my dress. She's my roommate and friend but she's at the hospital because she had an appendix operation.

The ringing of the phone in our room startles me. I take the call. It's Henry and he sounds awful. He says he has a very bad migraine and that he cannot go to the dance with me. He apologizes several times but of course it's not his fault. I know he has these attacks from time to time and I know he can't leave his bed when he does. He needs to sleep in complete silence and darkness and tomorrow he will be fine again. He tells me he wants me to go alone, to have fun tonight but of course I'm not going anywhere without him and he knows it. It's a shame, that's true but where's the point in going to a dance alone without my only friends, without Amy, without Henry.

I take off my dress and put on jeans and a hoodie. I look out of the window, the weather is wonderful and I decide to take a walk to distract myself from the disappointment.

Of course I run right into my big brother Samuel. He asks me what I'm doing in the park. Why I'm not getting ready for the big party and for my date. He just can't stop making fun of me. He knows it's not a date, that Henry and I are just friends but he loves to tease me. He says I'm in love with Henry and of course he's right, I am in love with him, deeply, I'm in love for the first time in my life but I keep on denying it. Sam must never know that he's right because he would use it against me, that's for sure. When I tell him about Henry and the migraine he says I can't skip the dance, that I really need some fun and that I'm going to like it. He convinces me to go with him. His date has dumped him because he cheated on her. He's a notorious heartbreaker but deep inside he is a nice guy and -all in all- a pretty good big brother. I hesitate but then I think of the beautiful dress that's waiting for me in my room and so I finally agree.

I go to Henry's room to tell him I'm going with Sam and to explain why. I don't want him to be upset that I go without him. I knock but there's no answer. I guess he sleeps and I don't want to wake him up and so I leave.

Sam picks me up at nine. The dance starts at eight but he wants a big entrance. It's all about attention and drama, Kat, he says and I guess he's right.

When we arrive at the party Sam soon disappears with Molly Smith, one of his many exes and I stand alone beside the cold buffet. That's when I see him. At first I don't believe my eyes but it's really him. It's Henry. He's standing there with all the popular kids, chatting and laughing and holding hands with Poppy Edwards, the most beautiful girl of our school. No sign of a bad migraine. I feel like I'm going to pass out. I can't look away, I want to but I just can't turn my eyes away from him. When he notices me his face falls. He stares at me and so does everyone who's standing there with him. My first impulse is to turn around and run away but I don't. My pride is stronger than the stinging pain in my heart. He obviously doesn't want me to be here. To see him with his new friends and his date or girlfriend or whatever this is. I jut my chin defiantly and stand my ground. I watch in horror how Poppy takes Henry by the hand and drags him in my direction. Their friends follow them.

She greets me with a smile that's sweet as sugar but the words that come out of her mouth are like poison. "Katherine, what a pretty dress. Where did you get it?" Before I'm able to stammer an answer she keeps going. "Did you find it in the prop room of the drama group? You look like Eliza Doolittle." She gives me a fake smile and her stupid friends start to giggle. I know my face is flaming red with anger, embarrassment and humiliation but Poppy's not done with me yet. She turns to Henry. "I bet she wants you to be her Professor Higgins. Everybody knows she has a crush on you. Maybe she wants to kiss you. Do you want to kiss this dressed up tomboy, Henry? Or do you want to kiss me?" Now every single one of them bursts out laughing and it feels like a punch in the guts. I'm on the brink of tears. I look at Henry, searching for help, but there's no reaction. He doesn't speak up against them, does nothing to defend and protect me, he doesn't even look at me. He doesn't do anything, he just stands there staring holes in the ground, avoiding my gaze. I can't stand this anymore. Him. Her. All of them. I turn around and leave fully aware of the fact that this moment marks the end of our friendship.

When Kat woke up from that ghastly memory she felt just as terrible as 22 years ago. Humiliated and ashamed and angry. Very angry. She got up with a jolt, ran up the stairs to the second floor and headed right to Henry's rooms. She didn't knock, just stormed in, finding him standing there in only a pair of briefs. His curls were wet and he smelled heavenly. She stopped in her tracks and Henry stared at her. "Kat. What the fuck. Ever heard of privacy? Ever heard of knocking?"

She didn't answer, she just stood there unsure what to do or say. Henry put on a shirt and sweatpants and turned to her again. "Can I help you?"

"Explain." Kat said. "Explain to me what happened at the dance."

"Now?"

"Yes. Now. Is that a problem?"

He shook his head slowly. "Not at all. Wanna sit?"

"No. I'm fine."

"Come on, Kat. This may take a while."

With a sigh she sat down on the sofa while Henry plopped down in the arm chair beside the window.

"So?" Kat looked at him expectantly.

"Well, first of all I wanna say I was a stupid wank back then. I lied to you and I let you down. I know this now, I knew it then, but when Poppy asked me to go to the dance with her…"

"When?"

"What?"

"When did she ask you?"

"A week before the ball."

Kat nodded. "Okay. Go on."

"Right. When Poppy asked me I just couldn't say no. I mean she was the most popular girl in our school and she wanted to go with a nobody like me. With fat Cavill, the lemon. Her attention just felt so good. The thought that she might be interested in me...it was too tempting to not give it a try. I just couldn't refuse her. I faked that migraine because I thought it was the easiest way to keep you away from the dance. I was sure you'd never go without me but I was wrong. I considered telling you the truth, I really did because I hated lying to you, Kat, but I finally decided to keep it a secret because I was sure you would try to talk me out of it. I knew you hated Poppy..."

"Yes, I did. She was a bitch. A manipulative, arrogant bitch and a bully."

"Like Aaron Taylor you mean?" Henry snapped at her with an angry glance. After all these years he was still jealous of the guy. "Aaron was arrogant, yes, but he was never manipulating anyone. He was more honest and true to himself than every single one of you and your friends. And for sure he was no bully. I wouldn't have been with him if he'd bullied anyone. He was a good guy."

"Poppy wasn't that bad either. The real Poppy I mean. Not the queen bee she pretended to be."

Kat turned her eyes towards the ceiling and shook her head in disbelief. "Yeah, sure. She was an angel…You know, that was the hardest part. To process that you of all people were with a girl like her. She and her friends made fun of us and our love for literature so many times." Her voice got tense and she took a deep breath to calm down. Henry sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose before he continued to speak.

"Anyway. I never wanted to hurt you, Kat. I hope you know that. I didn't expect you to show up and I know the way I treated you was awful. I didn't defend you, I hurt your feelings, I betrayed you and behaved like an asshole. I know this is almost inexcusable but I want you to know that I'm really sorry. I was back then but I didn't dare to tell you. And I still am. I'm sorry and ashamed of my behaviour. I can only apologize and hope for forgiveness." He avoided her gaze, staring at his hands.

A long silent pause followed his statement but after a while Kat inhaled deeply and after clearing her throat she started to talk. "Thank you, Henry. This really means a lot to me. I mean, hearing you admit all that. And the betrayal, that's what hurt the most. I want you to know that it was never about the fact that you didn't return my feelings for you. I mean, of course I was jealous of Poppy, but…"

Now Henry was the one to cut in.

"Wait. Your feelings for me?" He sounded genuinely surprised.

"Come on, don't act stupid. You must have known how I felt about you. I was pretty obvious and Poppy told everyone at the dance that I had a crush on you." Kat knew she was blushing but it was embarrassing to say that out loud.

"Kat, I swear I had no idea. I thought Poppy was just joking. I never considered you'd see me this way." He looked her right in the eyes before he continued. "You told me that you don't see me as a boy. That I was -and that's a quote I will never be able to forget- 'just like a girl that has a teeny wiener' to you."

"Oh god, Henry. I was 13 when I said that and I was a brat with a loose tongue. I did see you as a boy when we got older. Of course I did…" Kat gave him an awkward smile.

"So you really had a crush on me? Why didn't you say anything?"

"To be honest it was a little more than a crush. I was in love with you. And when you said you'd go to the dance with me I thought that maybe there we would dance and get close and maybe share a special moment and a kiss or...I don't know. I just had these silly romantic fantasies…" Kat swallowed hard and shrugged.

"You hoped that we'd become a couple that night."

She nodded.

"I never knew this, Kat." Henry felt awful. If he'd only known, he would never have said yes to Poppy if he'd had the slightest notion that Kat was in love with him.

"Well, it doesn't matter anymore, does it. That was 22 years ago. I'm not that girl anymore and you most definitely aren't that boy."

Kat got up and clapped her hands.

"I guess it's a good thing we've talked this through. Your therapist is going to like it." She gave him a sarcastic smile and Henry got up too. He came closer but Kat took a step back and so he didn't move any further.

"Do you think you can forgive me?"

"I already have, Henry. I know you didn't do it on purpose or to hurt me. We were so young and now as an adult I somehow unterstand why you acted that way...but that's not the point. The problem is to forget and to trust you again."

He nodded slowly. "I understand that, Kat. Just give me a second chance, okay?"

She took a deep breath. "I'll try to. But I need time. Time to get used to you, to the whole situation."

"Sure." And then he pulled her into a hug that felt right and wrong at the same time and left her dizzy and with a racing heart. "I won't let you down again, Kat." Oh how she wished she could believe his whispered words.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

tbc

#rpf #henry cavill rpf #henry cavill fanfic #henry cavill #cavillry #henry cavill fandom #henry cavill x ofc #friends to lovers #slow burn #henry cavill slow burn #henry cavill friends to lovers #friends to lovers fic #slow burn fic

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sleepytime-bear · 4 years

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hansa yellow naples yellow red ochre burnt sienna english red cadmium red rose violet rose glauconite yellow green oxide of chromium sepia indigo paynes gray

hansa yellow what’s your guilty pleasure song?

i just really like blinding lights by mr weeknd i think its the way he goes oooooh and also the way they use the beat from take on me

naples yellow where do you feel most at home?

alone in nature

red ochre are you more right-brained (creative) or left-brained (analytical)?

def left brained even my creativity is like very thought out it doesn’t rlly come naturally

english red what animal do you relate to most?

squirrels. just eatin n jumpin around and they’re soft and they get hit by cars often

cadmium red do you have a “type” when it comes to a significant other?

like yeah i go for people who look like theyre just. Genuine so usually it means i like people who dont conform to typical standards when it comes to appearance yk like noah fence to straight girls but i dont really go for that look i hope that makes sense and thats not mean

rose what’s something really positive going on in your life right now?

uhhh not to be gay. but. elliot !!!!!!!!! my beautiful girlfriend they make me v happy life is rlly good with them in it

violet rose what does your dream house look like?

i rlly want a little cottage in the mountains with flowers boxes under the windows snd a big garden and lots and lots of color and life

glauconite describe your body without using any negative adjectives.

oh u know. shes got bones. and a lot of bruises and scrapes rn which im thoroughly enjoying i think the marks r nifty. i dont know if i keep her in great shape but she’s certainly doing her best!!

yellow green picture yourself walking in a field. what do you see & hear in this scenario?

i hear a lot of bugs going bzzzzzzzzz and maybe some crickets and the grass is tall like up to my waist and the ground is dry and there are birds flying up out of the grass sometimes and the wind is hot and dry and there are a few clouds above and its very sunny

oxide of chromium what’s your favorite book?

certainly not absalom absalom bc ive been stuck on it for weeks its bad. but uhhh i think my favorite might be anne of green gables !!! ive read it so much i just rlly like her

sepia name five things that always make you happy.

1. looking at the stars

2. baking

3. talkin to my friends :)

4. studio ghibli

5. sunshine!!!

indigo what’s the best/sweetest compliment you have ever received?

well my pals always give me rlly nice compliments they make me happy so i dont have a specific example for that but they just say nice things :’) also in fifth grade a girl told me i was pretty and then when she saw me again the next week she told me again bc she had forgotten she already told me dhdhfh that was cute

paynes gray describe your aesthetic?

oh god. like ideally? earthy warm grandma type stuff..very organic and pretty and welcoming yk. in reality? my aesthetic is somewhere in between 7 year old boy and prep school tennis player. i dont like labels

#thamk u so much viv ur an angel i love u sm

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mnhpcaylonfilmresearch · 3 years

Photo

On preaching to the choir…

Where to start? A tangled thread of thoughts. Pick it gently till it loosens .

Listening to the lectures today on branding and marketing… theres an icky feeling, a dense resistance. Ive always felt it, ever since I was a child. The earliest I remember this angry force was when I was 6 years old and the boys were laughing at me because although I climbed the tree higher than any of them they still said “we told you, girls can’t climb trees” because they could see my panties up my dress.

I felt that same rising rage then and as I walked back through the big wooden doors into school I decided that I would never wear a dress again, and no one would call me a girl.

I was a boy for the next 6 years.

I wont “brand” myself. Im not a fucking factory cow.

Im not here to monetise myself.

Im not here to flog the old dead corpse of capitalism.

This is no longer “just the world we live in”

It had its time but its already dead, a crumbling husk releasing clouds of toxic fumes as it decomposes into the fertile soil that I, that we, are building roots in.

I hated it as a kid - I would pray never to grow up because I hated it so much - this world were we have to decide on roles and play them to please others expectations. I hated it as a teenager so I drowned myself in drugs and chaotic revelry. I went travelling when I was 19, for 2 years, and experienced a different way of life, on the road - one that felt like it fitted better, but that level of looseness isn’t sustainable. I moved to Berlin so I could have some creative freedom by working less, but still the hatred rose and I nearly killed myself for a second time.

In Berlin my boyfriend and our landlord would argue with me all the time, while I sat by my paintings in that awful basement corridor:

“Why aren’t you posting pictures online?”

“Why don’t you make a website?”

“Why don’t you approach some gallery’s?”

“WHY do you create work if its not for being seen by others?

It infuriated them no end, both being artists who poured all their energy and more into trying to get recognition, to get valued, priced, acknowledged, accepted, loved, respected, payed, hired, whatever the fuck.

It frustrated them to see I had talent that I “couldn’t be arsed to share”. Because I was “scared” because I didn’t have enough “self worth” or what? They didn’t know.

Ill fucking tell you.

Galleries are where art goes to die.

Get sucked dry by the vampiric, hungry ghosts of the bourgeoisie

Why,

Why should I,

Be valued at the whim of people who will never understand where Im coming from?

What goal is it to get into the Saatchi, or the Tate? Who they fuck are they, these entities that tell me what my fucking worth is? What achievement is their acceptance?

Im not saying we should create work just to fester in the lonely dark unseen or heard.

Im saying the only place I could ever imagine my work having any value or place is the streets.

Where it can be found by those who it will comfort, who will feel recognised, heard, seen, connected, not alone - and empowered. By those who don’t feel comfortable in “galleries”.

Because why not preach to the choir? Why’s that so bad?

Maybe they say theres no point preaching to the choir because they fear the power that will generate.

I appreciate that theres a necessity for those who reach out to the faceless masses, to change minds, to convert. They exist at the perimeter of an expanding circle, and we cannot do without them, I do have the utmost respect.

But they play a part in a much bigger whole - change happens as a wave rises, gaining power and momentum from deep within, rising up and out until it crashes over everything and then others, the masses, they just follow.

David Bowie changed the world because he preached to the choir. He tried for years to appeal to the masses, and if you listen to this music for that time is hilariously tragic.

But then he threw that towel in, pushed through into the expanse of himself and became something gloriously and unabashedly authentic to his multitudinous, fluidity of being and all the weirdos, all the strange ones who didn’t quite know where or how they fit, isolated, hiding in veils of normalcy - they heard him and they saw him and they resonated, recognised, felt no longer alone, felt connected - and empowered. And these souls are by nature powerful. Beneath the soil as his roots drew theirs out and met - the forest that sprung forth from that collective power shook and broke the paradigms of the known world.

The rest just followed, and their still catching up! haha.

The power of the strange is unrivalled.

We are what’s coming.

This temporary lapse into the myopic monoculture mind that has caused so much suffering is already over.

So why are we always expending energy trying to reach out to “them”? Trying to “change minds” I don’t want to change anyones mind. Those kinds of minds are fickle and will follow whatever rising before them.

I appreciate what has come before because the way has been paved, but its time for dying, and spring is already here, like shoots just beneath the soil. I want to reach out to those who already know, who already feel it, to drawn those roots out and build that network underground, to empower each other.

Preach to the choir! the choir needs to be preached to and to preach to each other. Because by making our roots strong and connected we can spring forth from the rotten ashes of this burnt out old world and generate a new one.

The rest will just follow.

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stylessemantics · 7 years

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"You love me, right?" maybe where Harry is asking the question after a fight or something...

This isn’t the best I have to admit, but I wanted to try and write some thing and kind of help get my mind of my pain from the surgery for a bit. Sorry for taking ages and Thank you for leaving a suggestion! Also wittle vulnerable harry melts my heart. Under the cut cause it went on for ages for which i apologise profusely.

You and harry didn’t fight often. Instead you had little arguments and discussions like grown ups that you are and made decisions that affected the both of you as a couple, together. Harry was never one to lift his voice or get angered at the little things and neither were you.

Except to you this wasn’t a little thing.

You were going to bed alone pretty much every night. And you could feel him lay beside you late late at night, only for him to be gone before your alarm even rang. He was overworking himself, spending torturous hours in the studio preparing his first solo work. You were proud of him, beyond what words could ever express, but you also felt tossed to the side, and you worried about his wellbeing. All these sleepless night were only making him get moodier and pickier with his work and you were sure he was probably driving everyone at the studio a little bit insane with his perfectionism. It wasn’t healthy for him or his work and you weren’t about to stay quiet and say nothing about it after months of the same old pattern. “Harry”“hmmm...” he didn’t take his eyes off the piece of sheet music in front of his eyes. This was the norm now. One worded answers and noises acknowledging your presence but not really paying attention to you. Whatever it was he was stuck on today – a note, a chord, some play on vocals that he wanted to get just right but didn’t really feel as real and raw as he envisioned – he didn’t let go of it until he got it right, only for it to sound terrible in his ears when he took it to the studio, and then back to the drawing board.“Harry pay attention to me” you demanded with a strong voice. You weren’t about to play out yell at him but you were tired of him being so dismissive and blinded by all this work. He had to take a break and he had to realise that he needed one. His eyes lifted up to meet yours with a confused glint. What was going on? “Jesus, finally... Don’t you think you need a break?”“What? I’m good” he was slowly turning back to his papers but you had enough. Putting a hand on the sheet music you got his attention back.“You’re not good. You’re not sleeping. You’re not eating...”“That’s not-”“If you say that’s not true I will rip this piece of music Harry. You’re a bit too obsessed with this and it’s not good for you and you need to take a fucking break, that is not a suggestion” His eyes widened offended. This was his work, this was everything he had, and he was not leaving it until it was perfect.“This is my album we’re talking about... It’s my life’s work its...”“It’s literally taking you away from me. Did you notice I cut my hair? That I’ve been making your favourite dishes for dinner this past week? That our 2 year anniversary was 5 days ago? When was the last time you freaking went to bed with me? Talked to me!? Shared any of your music with me, Harry?! Think about it!”“Well I’m sorry! But this is everything to me. This is all I have. And I’m sorry that me working hard on my life’s work is making you feel slightly left aside. But this is my all!”

You took a few steps back. You weren’t even slightly angry at the fact that he forgot your anniversary, or that he didn’t notice your hair. You were okay with him not always going to bed at the same time as you. That was so tiny to you right now. But you were definitely offended and quite frankly taken aback by the fact that you meant nothing and his work was his everything. Sure it was his first solo project and you understood the big looming cloud of doubts and fears that brought alone. But for fuck’s sake that’s what you were there for right? To help in whatever you could. Get his mind out of the creative gutter. Be there for him. But you were nothing compared to the latest note he added to a song called ‘Carolina’, and nothing more than a body he laid beside at night if he decided to go to bed. “Then this is your everything?” you ask with a tiny whispery voice. “This is it. This is all you have. All you are. All you’re willing to do.”“Y/N...” The glint in your eye that resembled a tear made him take a second look at you. It opened his ears and he heard your every word. And he heard the pain in them.“Marry it, Harry. Fucking marry it then. Let it consume you. You’re not eating, or sleeping and I’m concerned about your health. You’re stuck in the same note and forcing it instead of letting it flow through you like you’ve always done before. Fine. I hope your album worries about your health too... About making you dinner, running you baths, I hope it wants to talk to you, because the last thing I want to do right now is look you in the eye” You let out softly, still careful to not raise your voice at him and fled the home studio to lock yourself in your room and calm down.

And you left him to think about how you were right. Your hair was shorter, and looked very lovely, but he hadn’t noticed. He wondered when did you cut it but he couldn’t place it. And he couldn’t remember the last time he asked you about your day or told you about his day for that matter. The last time he showed you a snippet of anything he was working on. Asked for your opinion. He realised that it was bad... He shouldn’t need to rack his brain for the last time he gave you a good morning kiss. That’s unacceptable. That’s simply horrible. He realised that his eyes were burning with tears in the sudden realisation, and they also burnt from staring at the stupid piece of paper titled ‘Ever Since New York’. His own scribbles looked foreign to him, like he didn’t write them himself. Like this wasn’t his work that he worried so much over. This didn’t feel right. His effort for making this album real and honest felt like a facade because he wasn’t being himself. He was letting all of the fears of going solo and the doubts on his own writing skills consume him and make him a work-a-holic monster. It was making his supposed “everything” crumble and feel like a complete lie. And this album wasn’t all he had. He had you. He had you crying in your bedroom because he’d literally tossed you aside.

He felt relieved leaving the studio and his desk. Like there wasn’t a cloud of fear and doubt over his head, and he knew it was because you cared about him enough to make him realise he needed a break, or else none of his songs were going to ever be finished. He knocked on the door, jiggling the doorknob and realising it was locked.“Y/N... I’m sorry, please... Let me in?” he whispered, hoping you could hear him. It took him a few seconds to hear the lock passing and you were opening the door to him in an instant. God he didn’t deserve you, he thought. You were in all your right to be so mad at him and still you had kept your voice low, and were opening the door to him when he had fucked up so big. “Baby, you’re right... I... I don’t know what’s happening. I’m scared” he admitted and you hugged him tight. You knew he was scared. He had to be. This wasn’t like the other times he’s put out music. This was something colossal. This was a monster of an album. You knew he was scared, but you hoped he’d shared the weight with you instead of drowning in it alone. “I know Harry. But I’m here... I’m always going to be here” there was soothing silence and back rubs for a while as Harry felt like he could breathe again. It was nice to feel your arms around him, and he scolded himself in his mind for neglecting this for so long... If only he had let you hug him maybe the album wouldn’t feel like such a shadow over his head, and more like a walk in the park.“You love me... right?” his voice wavered as he asked. He felt like you were done with him, and after calling his work his everything like he didn’t have you in his life, such a central piece... He legitimately wondered if you were just completely done with him. Taking a step back from the embrace you looked him in the eye and smiled. How could you not love him? All of him and his quirks and fears and worries. How could you not love his hard-working personality and his tender heart. How could you not love how passionate his is and how honest he is and how brave he’s being allowing himself to be and appear vulnerable for his work. How could you not love every inch of him?“I’m always going to love you Harry... No matter what. Album one or one hundred... I love you and I’m going to love you through them all... I’m here always.”

Still recovering from my surgery. Today the stitches hurt like a bitch and I decided to go through my drafts and finish some things up. Once more; Sorry for taking ages and Thank you for leaving a suggestion. I hope this is worth your while! I know it’s not the best and my mind didn’t really go through the whole plot to try and make sense of it.

Prompt taken from THIS four-word-prompts list

MasterlistIv, xo.

#prompts list #I did NOT make this prompt list but I do have one that I have yet to post #these are fun #foolish #prompt tag is foolish #masterlist #you love me right?#writing #four word prompts #harry styles imagine #harry styles blurb

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