#its kinda prucan but oh well

[aphdrabble]

Snowflakes and Ash

25 February, 1947

Diary entry no. 276,483

As of today, I am no longer a nation. The Allies have forced the dissolution of my state, which really sucks, actually. Though my strength has been fading for a couple years now, I’m no stronger than the average human, and my strength is still leaving. As awesome as I am, I’m disappearing. I’m scared. No. I will do this with strength and courage, like everything else. I am still awesome, and will be so forever.

Prussia paused, tapping his pen on his desk. He was tired, so tired, yet he had the nagging feeling that he was missing something. Something big, something important. Did his brother know he was fading? West was smart. He should know. Would he be upset? Questions burned through his mind, and the things he never got around to saying beat at his brain until he just wanted to close his eyes and give up, to just fade away and disappear.

But he couldn’t. Not yet. He still had things he needed to do. 

He ripped a page from the back of his book, an atrocity he never would’ve committed under any other circumstances. He would leave a note, yes, that was a good idea. He would leave a note to say all the things he never got a chance to say in person, advice he never got to offer.

Hey West and all you other people,

I guess I should get this out of the way now, instead of later. If you’re reading this, I’m dead. The awesome me has vanished. Wait! Don’t start crying. I still have some more things to say.

West- You’re my baby bro. Even though you got your butt kicked (again), I’m still proud of you.

Prussia paused again, tapping his pen on his desk impatiently. His thoughts were scrambled, he couldn’t think straight.

Keep your chin up, West. Work hard, but don’t forget to have some fun. Have lots of fun, actually. You’re too much of a hardass all the time. Loosen up and smile. Read my diaries and try to emulate me, if you’re having trouble.

Italy- You’re a sweet kid. Keep smiling, but don’t forget you need to work hard too. Work hard, play harder, and enjoy your naps. Oh, and bug West for me. He’s too serious, but you can make him smile. Keep being sweet, Italy.

Once again, he paused. Who else could he write to?

Romano- Just so you know, you’re nothing like your brother. You don’t smile often, you swear even more than my awesome self, and you’re bitter, but that’s not a bad thing. You don’t have to be like Veneciano, because that’s not who you are. You’re a short little asshole, but that’s not a bad thing. Even though we never got along, I do admire you. You work hard, and have your priorities in order, but it wouldn’t kill you to smile, you know. Or maybe it would, who knows.

Spain- Thanks for the help during the war, even though we lost, which really sucks. And you were kinda frustrating when you stopped me from beating up France. And you also helped the Allies. You’ve been a good friend most of the time though. Remember all the times that we pranked West? Those were the good times. Just keep smiling.

Prussia paused yet again, his pen tapping in his desk. That might leave a stain. He would care if he was in a better mindframe, but he had so much more he needed to say. 

France- I have only one thing to say to you. I’m going to kick your ass next time I see you, you traitorous bitch. I thought we were friends! Friends don’t stab each other in the back. 

America, Russia, China, and all you other Allied Bastards- See France’s note. Also, I hate you all. Kiss my ass and go to hell.

Was that a bit harsh? Oh well, it didn’t matter. Prussia didn’t really care, they had beat him and insulted his pride. Still, maybe he could soften the blow a little. There was one Ally that had never done anything to him. He thought. He wasn’t sure. 

Except you, Canada. As far as I know, you’ve never personally offended anyone ever. Also, your pancakes are so good, even if you did, I forgive you because I’m awesome.

Was that any better? Whatever, it wasn’t like Canada would ever read it. Now, to write other things, less unpleasant things, to his two oldest friends. 

Austria- You’re conceited and stingy, and even though we fought a lot, you were still a pretty good friend. Remember when I occupied Silisia? You hated me for that, even though I totally needed it, you stingy bastard.

Hungary- Remember how we used to fight all the time, back when I was still the Teutonic Knights? Yeah, that was a long time ago. At least we mostly get along now. Usually. At least we had some fun. Remember how surprised I was to find out that you’re a girl? Yeah, that was weird. Anyway, annoy Austria for me, will ya?

Prussia paused. Did he sound casual enough? Yes, probably. Was he missing anyone? Well, Lithuania, but Prussia doubted he would appreciate being called out for hating him for no apparent reason. Same with Poland. Prussia had heard that Poland was back, after vanishing for so many years. Sighing heavily, Prussia’s pen went back to paper, and he began to write once more.

Poland- I know that we don’t get along very well, after I ended up living in your house, and we fought, so I had to move back in with West, but you are incredibly resilient. You’re tough, don’t die easily, and are (I literally can’t believe I’m writing this) brave. You really are the Phoenix.

To anyone I missed-- Keep smiling. Don’t cry too much because I’m gone. You all are awesome, almost as awesome as I am.

Prussia paused again, frowning slightly, then scribbled one more sentence.

Don’t forget about me. -Prussia  

Prussia folded the note in half and sighed heavily, flipping back to his diary. His handwriting was getting worse, shaky almost to the point of illegibility, but he had to finish this. Pen went to paper once again, and he continued writing. 

I wrote a letter for West and everyone else so I could tell them the things I wanted them to know. I was totally nice about it too! I mean, obviously, I was. I’m always nice.

I feel weird though. Is this what it’s like to vanish? If I come back, I’ll tell you what happened, and if I don’t... Well, I guess you already know. 

For the last time,

Gilbert Beilschmidt

The Kingdom of Prussia

Forever awesome  

He sighed, closing his dairy. His eyes swept the room one final time. It was neat, orderly, with a small bookshelf with all of his diaries from the past decade or so, the bed made with a prestigious neatness, the old sword from his days as a teutonic knight above it. He staggered over to it, the tiredness tugging at his very bones, and pulled the sword down before collapsing against the wall. He slid to the floor, his eyes closing. The sword was tight in his grip as he sighed, his final breath long and slow as his body finally dissolved, falling into a fine ash that swirled, mingling beautifully with the snowflakes drifting in the cracked-open window. 

The sword clattered on the floor, and Prussia was no more. 

#aph prussia #is this angst? #i dunno #its kinda prucan but oh well #i like prucan #i actually have a second part to this half written in my docs #where he comes back #so hmu if you want it #i need to write more anyways #spam me please #i beg you #also the sequel is prucan #because apparently that's all i'm ever motivated to write #oof i really cant write angst though #but it was worth the effort #of course i wait till his his deathday to put this out #go figure

[a-writing-bear]

[PruCan] Chapter 9: Soft-Spoken Calling, They Want Their Shyness Back

Ao3 Link:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/11159997/chapters/42689768

This Has been cross-posted onto FF & Ao3 under Aliases: BearBooper

You can read this Fic on Tumblr under ‘Keep Reading’ - Ao3 version is formatted, tumblr version is not. Ao3 is recommended.

Previous Chapter        Next Chapter

Fandom: Hetalia Axis Powers

Main Pairing: Gilbert Beilschmidt & Matthew Williams (Prussia & Canada)

AU:  College AU - Art Student Matthew and Media/Film Student Gilbert

Age Rating/Mature:  Teen And Up Audiences (12+ due to mentions of mature themes as well as swearing)

Trigger Warnings: Recreational Drugs & minor connotations of anxiety (Future addiction to mention themes such as addiction, rape etc.) WITHIN THIS CHAPTER - Mentions of Depression, Anxiety, Therapy, Counseling, and anti-depressants. (please note I am NOT anti-meds.) Family Issues are implied, Distance and abandonment suggested.

The world stiffened as strawberry blonde hair covered his tired eyes, Alfred had scooted much farther away as he let his brother gather himself. Racing, pulsing thoughts jumped in his head; everything felt slow and too fast at the same time and the unease of having someone else in this private session was more off-putting than he would have thought.

“I….I didn’t finish the painting.” Ms Paisley’s demure look did not falter, unsurprised but still polite, her scribbles of notes were no doubt some follow up questions about his inability to get something done- he felt foolish for bringing it up, his subconscious already tormenting him about his inadequacy to shush up. His brother, on the other hand, was lost; What does a painting have to do with Matthew’s health?

“What was it this time Matthew? ...noise? … distractions?” her voice trailed on but Alfred’s mind was hooked on her reasoning-

“Not noise this time. I was quite...fine. I was fine- I just can’t get it to look right and I feel…” He mind was smoothened a little bit as he tried to articulate his thoughts. Fiddly hands kept tracing the hemming of his hoodie edges, eyes strictly avoiding his brother’s questioning gaze.

“Lost. I felt like I was detached again. I couldn’t get it right and It’s just so difficult to stay up…” Closed eyes and uncertain breath faded into a hum, he almost forgot Alfred was there as he thought of the image of his childhood. Bright. Vibrant. Utterly simplistic in its approach.

“I’m on top of work. But that just means I sleep more... I'm tired. Very tired. I know I say that a lot but I am. It’s just so-” his voice breaks off into a bit of a laugh as he grimaces at his repetitious mantra, “I’m exhausted, Paisley.” He bites his lips; he’s been trying to get out of the habit of saying tired. The word was so addictingly bittersweet and had glossed over his lips so often that the definition of such a word had practically been imprinted into his personality. Dr Paisley looked up as Alfred patted a hand onto his knee, the gesture making the male almost jump as his eyes popped finally realising his brother was still in the room.

“Well. I’m sure the painting will turn out beautifully- Have you shown anyone your work, has Al-”

“It’s a surprise! It’s...not ready and I don’t want Alfred to be spoilt” The interruption let out another hiccup as Matthew slid his back down the couch, his head almost lolling straight into the couch’s depths.

“Okay. I think you should have some downtime while I Just chat with your brother, would that be possible Matthew?” He slowly got up, feeling ashamed for his messy rambling and eager to leave the room. “John could get you some tea while you wait..” the remnants of that sentence was lost on Matthew as he had already made his way out back into the little room from before.

“Hi Alfred, Long time no see, How have you been?”

“Alright, Uni is exciting as always...can we just get to the reason why I’m here? Matthew-- My brother says you want him on more medication?”

“Yes. He hasn’t been on anything for a while, and he’s made a lot of progress but recently...He’s been having trouble with our recent goals, and I don’t want to worry any of you and your family. From a professional standpoint, I would recommend this as it would help him just balance out his anxiety. He hasn’t been on much for a while now.”

“I trust you doc, but I’m still worried. He’s been kind of...really secretive I guess?

“How so? He’s told me he’s been chatting and unloading a lot on peop-”

“Well, obviously not me. Not..me. We don’t go out anymore, he always liked to sleep in but some days I have to genuinely bash his door down to get him up. It’s...a slump.”

Dr Paisley sighed, a knowing glint in her eye as she listened to the wistful way Alfred talk about his brother- knowing of what?

“Look. Mr Jones, I need to know if you’re planning on any big life changes.” Alfred seized up, caught off guard by the question, almost nervous of his own answer- “It’s just that Matthew right now needs some extra support, we’re assuming he’s just in a bit of a drop right now...he goes through it once…” her voice seemed to trail off as Alfred and his ever calculative brain were in the works of what to say: tell the truth or to wait for a better moment? Surely he could put off telling Matthew of his...no if he told the doctor now he could avoid a confrontation from his family later on…

“-Would moving away count as something big?” the professional paused in her sentence, concern out and open.

“Who would be moving?” Alfred explained his new course offer from some prestigious lab in Japan, the willingness he had to go there and the excitement was clear but the more he explained he had begun thinking of how’ll it affect his brother.

“...we spent enough time apart as kids. Last time really fucked him up and I just don’t...he lost trust in me and that’s okay I just... I- what if this is the thing that really...pushes it?”

The two stared at each other for a few seconds, both deep in thought before the doctor gave her insight: “Your brother will be fine. He wants you to live your life. He just needs time to know what’s going on. He needs to talk more. Do you know anyone he could talk to while you’re away?” There was Tim, their childhood friend of whom Mattie had always been attached to; the Dutchman always came to Matthew’s heed and Mattie always complied with the scarf-wearing weirdo. Alfred drifted, he had that new German guy, right? He never really liked Gilbert, always saw him at some trashy party- he was so different from Matthew, it would be difficult for his brother to open up to someone like that…

“Besides Tim, there’s this new guy. I think Matt would tell you about him. I don’t really trust the guy.” before the doc could synthesise a plan Matthew had knocked on the door rather meekly, sticking that fluff of a hairdo through the door and asking if he could back in.

“Of course. Matthew, your brother and I are okay with our new goals, would you like to go through with it?” the young man barely nodded, still in the doorway, leaning a bit off the frame as his eyes wandered in Alfred’s direction as if still asking if he could come in. Alfred got up, shaking off imaginary dust and he made his way out, ruffling his twin brother’s hair as they swapped places. He’d have time to think about what he wanted to tell him while he waited.

“I’m really sorry we can’t have our full 1 hour Matthew, Is there anything you’d like to talk about in particular today?” Matthew had cosied up on the chair, crossing his legs as he used to as a kid- Dr paisley had reassured him no harm would be done to her soft plush couch even if he brought his foot upon it.

“I’m just tired is all.” he had started picking at the seat fibres once more, his glasses sort of slipping off as he pressed the couch experimentally. “I understand, Alfred said you made a new friend? Wanna chat about that?” At first, Matthew was puzzled, confused as to who she had meant before realising that she probably referred to Gilbert.

“Oh. Gilbert. He’s...cool. I don’t want to talk about him. Do I ha-”

“You don’t have to do anything Matthew. This is about you.”

Matthew relayed his story about going to see Tim (minus the weed of course), how he had overstepped Tim’s boundaries once more by accident, ranting way too long and not getting anything done when he could have been doing something, anything, he never gets things done, why can’t i get things done, it’s impossi-

“Matt- Matthew breathe. Hey, hey slow down. You were taking a break right?” Matthew gulped. He didn’t realise he had been mumbling incessantly again. “I don’t think you overstepped. I’m sure Tim would have said something if you did. He’s been your...friend for a long time.” the blonde nodded, awkward to where this was going.

“Do you...pardon me if this seems inconceivable or rude...do you have feelings for Tim?” Matthew looked at her as if she had slapped him in the face-

“nO! OH Nonono- Tim’s my… he’s just a really...good friend, I couldn’t...I like someone else... I think?” his mind drifted to a pearly white smile and red eyes that really should be more intimidating than attractive. God. Gilbert’s got him good and it’s hardly been a day. He needs to stop. Paisley just smiled that ever kind smile, and it kinda sickened Matthew knowing at the end of the day she was paid to smile like that regardless of what he said to her. The rationale in his head reminded him she was genuine and that this was a good experience- counselling was better than hiding in a room getting high off his rock...that sounds more enjoyable at this point. The two chatted, Matthew once more relearning his breathing, noting to himself to write in his personal log once he gets home to keep the doc and himself on check.

“I’ll see you next Saturday? Afternoon at 1pm. 1 hour for sure Matthew.” with that the two parted, Matthew, worming his way out of the office and straight to the registering counter, prescription form in hand. Alfred had signed it. So had he. He’d have to pick them up tomorrow. Fuck me.

The two twins waddled back out, getting into their car and driving to their little detour: the diner just off campus. “Ahh loving the shoddy lights as usual,” Alfred commented as they got out the car and saw the overdone and tacky 60s light decor falter. Sliding into the opposite sides of a booth, the two sat in silence, obviously avoiding conversing about what was talked about during Matthew’s appointment. Or so Matthew hoped.

“So doc tells me ‘bout a painting.” Liar. Matthew knows Paisley wouldn’t have told him jack shit about that painting. “It’s nothing. It’s a surprise, Al, don’t go sticking your nose into my art and I won't question your phall-” Alfred burst out laughing before Matthew could finish his joke, he supposed seeing his brother laugh did brighten his moods. The waiter, dressed in a stereotypical apron, brought over some coffee (“it’s not Tim Hortons, but it’ll do”) and Alfred waved her off to get some burgers with a ‘thank you doll’ that only resulted in a tut. They talked about Alfred’s course and how his lab work was going, Matthew, in turn, talked about the next hockey season and how’d he hope he would get back on the team after his hiatus. Parents. They talked about their parents- neither of whom had called. Their father, ever the distant soul, last they heard, was back in London sorting out some legal case and hadn’t even texted Alfred the usual monthly check-in text. Matthew grimaced. If he didn’t even text Alfred...then he must still be mad about the two of them going to see mother last summer. The coffee was burnt and bitter, and this dinner was as rugged and worn out as Matthew’s weary soul, yet he couldn’t help feel comforted by the fact his brother was still here and not painstakingly somewhere ignoring him. Matthew hated being ignored.

*DING*

T @ 7:34 [Are you at the Diner? I see an oddly familiar car out here.]

Of course, Tim was here.

M @ 7:34 [Yeah Al’s here though. Just came back from Dr.P’s. Wanna join dinner time?]

T @ 7:36 [I’ve got Laura and Luca with me, I’m sure they’d love to catch up with your bro. Though you wanna chat out back for a bit?]

Matthew paused. Looked away from his phone to see Alfred once more chatting with a waitress, idly stacking up some creamer cups.

M @ 7:38 [Your sister would smell the shit on us. Tell the L duo to come in and I’ll come out.]

T @ 7:39 [I’ve got deo and we can blame it on smokers outside. They’re going.]

“The Van-de-bergs are here. I’m gonna go out just to chat with Tim for a bit. Please don’t hit on Laura again- Tim will murder you and I’ll tell Kiku.” Matthew got up quickly, making his way very quickly as his brother tried responding with a resounding “I’m not that big of a flirt-” Laura and little brother Luca in tow came bursting in, gladly waving at Matt as they made their way to the table.

“Tim says you two need to chat so he’s-”

“Outside.” Matthew pushed his way past them out the door. He’s not usually so dismissive of the kind girl but he wanted to get away from some of the noise for a bit. A smoke really sounded good right then. The air seemed nippy as he stumbled into the evening light. The fuzzy streetlights illuminated the tall figure that was Tim leaning on his car. With a head flick and a motion, the two moved, trekking to a dodgy avoided spot right behind the diner; smoker paradise as cigarette buds were littered across the gravelled area.

“..I’m assuming shit didn’t go well.” Matthew denied answering because he himself didn’t really know. Today went well. He just didn’t feel it.

“Well. Let’s chat then schatje.”

Gilbert had enjoyed Matthew’s empty bedroom for a while. But he found, no matter how charming the walls were and the strewn pieces of art- as captivating as they were, felt strange without Matthew actually being there. He had gotten out, leaving the room as immaculate as it did when he had first gotten in and wondered where the North American brothers had gone. Oh well. His work had occupied him for as long as he needed, and by dinner time he was truly starving. With his, worn out jeans and leather jacket snugly on, and his motorbike keys pocketed he decided he’d go off campus and get some takeaway. The food hall seemed a bit too dull for a Saturday night lunch right? And nothing was better than hunkering down on some takeaway and calling it a night early. With a resounding roar, his bike came to life, driving him down the quiet nighttime roads, running away from the campus that seemed to be riddled with late-night students wandering all over the place.

Unlike Alfred, Gilbert unironically liked the 60s vibe that the diner had possessed. It reminded him of his Grandfather who always liked the middle of nowhere businesses and of Ludwig and his avoidance of less than stellar looking establishments. The food was fantastic too and always made good 24/7 pancakes. Gilbert wouldn’t mind pancakes for dinner, he could get them half price if he sweetened that lady over the counter again. Just as he pulled up, and was busy stowing his helmet away he saw a familiar person walking behind the restaurant- Matthew. Matthew with someone most definitely wasn’t Alfred. I thought he said he was with his brother. Gilbert scolded himself...it’s none of his business. For all he knew Alfred was there too...behind the diner...where cute Matthew was walking with a shady looking tall dude. Yeah, not awesome. Gilbert began walking.

He’s just making sure his new friend Matt was safe. A good samaritan keeping someone safe. Gilbert's inner voice was spouting bullshit.

#prucan #APH Canada #APH Prussia #SoftSpokenCalling #prussia x canada #hetalia #hetalia axis powers #Axis Powers Hetalia #Hetalia Fanfiction #hetalia fanfics #hetalia fandom #fanfiction #fanfic #Multichapter