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lavidaatravezdeunavion · 5 years

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Week One

June 15/16

The long and grueling travel is finally over; I’m in Buenos Aires!! Let me mention that my flight from MIA to EZE was delayed an hour but coincidentally, my roommate and another friend were also in MIA because their flight was also delayed...five hours. They had been there since 6pm so i couldn't really complain too much about my delay but I got on the next available flight and was delighted to get the aisle seat. I settled in with my free pillow and blanket, I browsed the free inflight entertainment and watched Captain Marvel (it was as tony the tiger would say “There GRRRRRRReat!”). I fell asleep soon after dinner was served around 2am and thankfully was able to sleep for about five hours, but that last hour and a half was full of turbulence.

When we finally landed, I was a little sad since it was rainy and dark outside. On top of that, there was a country wide black out (our taxi driver said that the dam that generates the power for Argentina was broken! He said it might have been an accident but he wouldn't doubt that someone might have done something to it on purpose...) We were in the taxi for about 40 mins; I was too tired to keep my eyes open and had fallen asleep! As we pull up to the residence, the taxi driver yells “levantase mija ya llegamos.” I got into the room and wanted to take a shower immediately; I felt like after traveling for 12+ hours you just feel so nasty. Of course I hopped into the shower using my phone flashlight to make sure I didn’t slip, but to be fair our shower is like 2ft by 2ft so there really is no room to fall. I got out the shower and then took a four hour nap, and thankfully when I woke up the power was back on.

I got ready to go to dinner with our group at a restaurant called “Rietti” (Jorge Luis Borges 2205) it was a cute cafe a couple blocks from our residence. I ordered a “Milanesa de Carne con Puree de Papas” - which I would rate about a 6/10. The meat wasn’t as flavorful as i thought i'd be, and the mashed potatoes were pretty plain. Thankfully I had a glass of red wine; I couldn't tell you the name but it was great!

After dinner we went back to our residence and made friends with other people who also live and go to school here. We met some Peruvians, an Ecuadorian, a Costarican, a Chilean, and of course some Argentinians. They were all studying here and had been away from their families for months but were determined to finish school so they could have a career and help their families after. I admired them for being brave and studying in a different country where they don't know anyone. Now being 2 hours from home doesn't seem too bad. This was the end of my first night here, I went to bed feeling excited that I had made new friends and that they welcomed me with open arms.

June 17

This morning we walked to the Subte, which is what they call their metro, and bought and loaded cards so we can be prepared for our first day of school tomorrow. We took the Subte to Las Heras and went to grab lunch at this cute cafe that had dog paintings all over the walls. It kind made me feel like I was in the “Dogs Playing Poker” painting. I got a ham & cheese omelet which was subpar; maybe because I wasn’t very hungry it wasn't that appetizing, but it was just not for me. On the bright side, I ordered orange juice and let me tell you it was BOMB.COM. Honestly, that was probably the best part of my meal.

After lunch, we went back to the residence and proceeded to take a nap. After the nap, my roommate and I went to a restaurant that a friend recommended about fifteen minutes from here and it was called “Chicken Bros”. As my roommate and I were deciding what to order, the guys behind the counter asked us where we were visiting from. Usually, I tell people I'm from right outside of DC just because people know DC. Anyway, turns out that one of the guys was from Woodbridge, which isn’t too far from where I’m from in VA! It was cool to see an American-owned restaurant in a foreign country. Besides the owners being really cool, the food was great and the ambiance of the restaurant was really amazing. The table markers they were handing out were people from american pop culture so it was funny to see that. After this, we went home and went to sleep since tuesday would be our first day in class.

June 18

If you know me at all, you know that I am NOT a morning person. I am THE queen of sleeping in and sleeping for hourssssss. With this being said, waking up at 7am was not the most exciting thing to do. We got up to eat breakfast, and I tried my best to eat something because I knew it was going to be a really long day. For transportation, we use the Subte (their version of the metro) to get to class. It takes us about half an hour to get to school which isn’t too bad; the only thing is that the Subte is really crowded with everyone trying to get to work and school so you kinda have to be aggressive to just push yourself onto the train. We got to Expanish which is where all of our classes are being held. The first two weeks of classes are a crash course of spanish, so they did an oral exam to make sure they were placing us in the right level. Being a native speaker, it wasn't too difficult for me so I was placed in the advanced class. There were only two other kids in my class: an Italian girl and a Swiss guy. I was kind of nervous that our class was so small but throughout the day it felt better because she was able to pay more attention to how we spoke and we were also able to have more in depth conversations about different topics. Today was an exception because we had to take the oral exam but usually class starts at 9:30 and went till 1:30 then we had an hour break then class started again at 2:30 until 4:30. It sounds excruciating, and it is, but the class is fun and time goes by pretty fast. As the class finished, everyone was drained and we all went home on the Subte.

Once we got home, my roommate and I decided we wanted to go find a snack so we walked out of the residence and just started to walk. If you didn't know, street art is a big part of the culture here and is legal, so here in Palermo everywhere you look there is graffiti on the buildings. We started to walk all over the neighborhood and just took pictures and looked at all the beautiful art around us. We ended up walking around for about two hours. Once we got back home we took another nap and then got ready for dinner. We went to this bar in Palermo called “Ragnar” I got myself a burger, and because im legal here i got my first mojito which was really tasty. I really enjoyed the view from the rooftop that they had. Overall it was a really long day but we were finally getting on some kind of schedule. After dinner we went back home and got ready for bed.

June 19

I had a normal school day today but since the women's Argentinian soccer team was playing in the World Cup, we headed over right after class to my teachers favorite bar to watch the game! I later went with Gloria (the italian girl from my class) to eat at a sushi place about a block from our school. I got myself a Mexican Poke bowl which was absolutely delicious. It was my first time eating a poke bowl so i didn't have anything to compare it to. After lunch, we went back to Expanish and waited for everyone to get out of class.

After class we all signed up for a tango class. We waited for our teacher to come and she taught us the basics of Tango; I learned that Tango is not a dance where the point is to move all of your body but it should be a continuous motion (not sure if this makes sense but its not like merengue where your hips, legs, and shoulders move). I think after this class I have more of an appreciation for tango just because I had never really been exposed to it and it didn't look that interesting to me, but dancing it was a whole other thing.

After the tango class we all hopped on the Subte back to the residence. We all took naps (as you can see naps are a crucial part of our routine here lol) and then got ready for dinner. We all decided to go to a bar and to be able to watch the Argentina-Paraguay game. Not sure what bar we went to but it wasn’t too special; I got a quesadilla and some nachos on the side. The most exciting thing about dinner was seeing everyones excitement when argentina scored. The bartender even had a vuvuzela! Since we didn’t have class Thursday, after dinner we walked about two blocks and went into a club. The thing about Argentinian nightlife is that things don’t start poppin till 2am. This is something that we all questioned but it makes sense because they eat dinner at about 10pm. A group of us were just hanging upstairs until about 1:30 and then finally the music started to get really good so we all went downstairs to dance, it was one of the funnest nights so far. We left the club at about 3:30am and got home and all knocked out.

June 20

Waking up at 9:30 after a night out was not ideal, but you do what you gotta do right? Since we didn't have school today our professor from JMU (and our mom for the trip) took us to La Boca which is where the city of Buenos Aires first was established. It’s now very touristy but let me tell you... it is beautiful. All the buildings are so colorful, and craftwork and artwork they sell on the streets were mesmerizing.

We went to the“Museo de Bellas Artes Benito Quinuela Martin,” this museum was in Benito Quinuela Martin house that he lived at the time. The gallery is free to enter and I definitely recommend going if you have time.

The exhibits they had were really interesting my favorite exhibit was the one they had for Roberto Cortes. He is able to depict perfectly what La boca entails and also the struggles and oppression that argentina has faced. The museum also had the rooms made up like how Benito Quinuela Martin had them while he was alive and it was interesting to see how someone lived during the early 20th century. I'm not much of an art person but this entire museum was really interesting, especially to see how different artists show the oppression they have faced as a country.

After the museum, we went to lunch at a restaurant down the street called “La Perla”. I was not the biggest fan of this restaurant just because their service was bad, and the food was mediocre.

We later hopped on a bus back to Plaza de mayo. I'm going to give a little back story for this next part:

During the 1970s, Argentina was facing a “Dirty War” where anyone who was against the government was persecuted. Most of the people speaking out against the government were college students, and because of this students started to disappear all over. Once mothers started to notice that their kids were not the only ones missing they started to organize themselves and want to get answers. This government was obviously very oppressive and because loitering was illegal, mothers would get into groups of two and march in circle in front of La casa rosada (equivalent to our white house) they would wear white scarves on their heads as symbols that these were mothers looking for their missing children. In total over 30,000 students went missing during this dictatorship. There is so much more to this but I personally do not want to write a whole dissertation on how horrible this situation is so here is a link to more information: https://www.history.com/news/mothers-plaza-de-mayo-disappeared-children-dirty-war-argentina

To this day, every thursday, these mothers still march on Plaza de Mayo. We all had the honor of seeing these mothers, family members and activists march in front of la casa rosada. There are now two groups from my understanding one group is still looking for answers for what happened to their children and so this group would walk around La Plaza de Mayo and they would read the names of the disappeared students outloud and after each name the group would yell “Presente” (Present) just to show that their kids will never be forgotten. The other group is now more politically active and strives to make more changes so that this never happens and they walked around the plaza saying different chants. It was remarkable to see that even fifty years later these mothers are still the front of the movement.

After seeing them march, we walked over to a cafe to get some coffee but I personally got a Submarine which is THE best hot chocolate you can drink. It’s basically a bar of chocolate that melts in the boiling milk its delicioso! After we all finished we went back home to the residence, and you guessed it, we took a nap. After our wonderful nap we went to go get dinner at a restaurant around here called “el Galeon”, not my favorite but it was a 6/10, to be fair I only got a salad but the chicken in the salad was a bit questionable. After dinner we went home and got into bed.

June 21

Today was our last day of having class till 4:30; we had two holidays this week since we had to make up for the class time missed. But I am so,so,so happy we do not have to be in class for seven hours anymore. Today in class, I realized that my vocabulary needs to expand more so now i'm glad that we were talking about topics I usually don’t discuss in spanish like the economy and politics. Other than that, class had been fun but I was a little sad today since my friend Gloria was graduating from the program and won't be in class but since shes still gonna be here for another five weeks we plan on hanging out so i'll update you guys when I get to see her again

After class we all went home and then later that night we got ready to go to dinner at a restaurant called “La Robla,” this was a spanish inspired restaurant in Palermo. I shared a Milanesa Clasico with Mashed Potatoes and we also got a side salad. This has been one of my favorite meals so far. The milanesa was to die for and those mashed potatoes really had me begging for more.

After dinner we went to a bar called “Chupitos,” we paid 140 pesos to get in and the entrance fee comes with two shots. I got a shot called “Poseidon,” it had tequila, lime juice and some blue liqour in it but i thought I wasnt going to like it but it was really good. I also took a picture of my friends beer because i mean just look at it...

After the bar we went to a techno club which was really cool to see EDM in a different country. We stayed out till about 5am with everyone and some of the guys from our residencia. After that we all went home and went directly to bed.

P.S.

I know this was a really long post so I may try and keep it to three or four day a post but I just am living in the moment an enjoying life right now so it might be a bit difficult so you all will have to bear with me. Thanks for your support!

Con mucho amor,

T.L.

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ubereyezconfessions-blog · 5 years

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Rides on 2/1/19-2/2/19

I find coming of age in america as a Black male to be quite the experience. A life thats rathe overly sexualized and comes with many stereotypes and assumptions. Cant say its a eye opener last night but rather a further confirm on feelings and visions I have around people that aren’t POC or in the area. I had around 4 trips with Uber specifically that I can recall that were very very weird and tension filled.

First comes with this couple that I picked up in West Hollywood. White male and Asian woman. They get in and I do my usual greeting of “Hello, How are you doing tonight?”, with their response either being “Good” or “Good and you?”. Pending the two you can assume who wants a conversation or not. Pretty clear, I’d assume. Anyways the car goes quiet to the music playing in the background and literally next thing is the two are seriously making out right in my mirror less than a foot away from me. Awkward, sure. First time of this.. No! This making out is pursued by and silence and the two are texting each other as a way of communication between making out, of which is only broken by the fact that the ordered an Uber Express and had another pickup. (basically a carpool). Which here is where we pick up 2 more asian women which out the blue the couple in the back then turn into the biggest socialites to walk the earth. New energy and a easy spark for conversation. Which either I from my assumption is they either sexualizing a ride with me in the vehicle and the face they show the world appeared when the others got in. The 2 women were dropped off first to that point, the couple then start having a chat outloud. Amongst the eavesdropping I’m trying my best not to do. This guys starts ranting to this woman about him being on Bumble and that he uses it as a means to have men send him money, which she laughs. He then explains that he talks to older men and in return they send him money. I can only assume he’s been enticed to go further than internet talking if he’s willing to consider chatting with grown men to get money out of them. After I try to truly tune them out and drop them off at the destination.

Next trip is 3 very nervous and young gold diggers, which i assume, of course. So its raining and already rather cold all day being its winter time. But these are the types of women that dress a bit “sexy” if you liked to call it that. Pretty much the less they can wear the more eyes on them. Anyways I pull up to a bar called “The Nice Guy”. As some may be familiar. So La Cienaga is took up by valet cars and I have to park on the side street which is maybe 20-30 feet from the door. Anyways Im called and asked to pull closer being its raining and they’re in heels. (Rain was in the weather report all week) anyways they make the run for the car screaming and get in the back seat. One of my policies is that when people get in the car, if they all get in the backseat, they want to keep amongst themselves. Being if anyone wanted to get to know you, they’d sit in the front. Ive rode with Lyft and Uber and always sit in the front seat and chat with my drivers, simple human etiquette. (Ill get back to this). So we start heading to the next destination which is the girls heading to another party of sorts or finding something to occupy themselves from themselves. Which on the way Im lodge into a superficial realm of these 3. Some womanese that Im becoming more fluent with and they make subtle ways to let me know that they are very much looking for drugs. And willing to have sex with those that have them, simply because they do. I kinda have a Baby Driver thing going on where people think Im “sleep” or dead on the inside. But I just know a lot of battles arent worth the $4-$20 dollar trips. So ones steady making snorting noises and rambling about skiing. (obvious someone snorts coke). And one persist on a story to her friends that she was in a bathtub with a football player and her bf. And the football player tried to fuck her in front of her boyfriend. Which Im sure she probably would’ve allowed. Im assume it stays in her mind being she wanted it. Otherwise the memory would fade. So then my spider sense gets to tingling that these chicks are getting made because I’m not talking to them and assuming that I want to fuck them. When actually Im so turned off by their superficial minds that I’m trying to tune them out completely. By the way, There is a new Broly graffiti painting on Melrose where Gohan was that I have to take for a secret instagram account.

Third on this trip is literally a trip after the gold diggers. Where I’m at the Argyle and i pick up this guy or transgendered. I assume being he was in full on make up and and very tight clothing almost couldve passed for a woman. So heres what I mean, you sit in the front if you want to know your driver. The rider, simply gets in the front seat and gives me a smile and we head to their destination. Now Im not an idiot, I understood that I could’ve done anything I wanted with this person. They sat there rather quiet just waiting on me to make a move. But I didn’t want to give in to a moment of being horny and just using a body. So I don’t make conversation for the understanding that I know thats where the person wanted it to go. Upon reaching the destination I just with the person a good night. They give me a deep gaze and a smile and a hesitation to leave my car but finally do. Sorry to disappoint.

Last but not least comes around 2:30am-ish. Im in mid city and pick up a american. He has a destination set but when he gets in he tells me he is changing the destination and needs to stop at a gas station. Upon which he passes me a $20 bill and says thanks. I make a stop across the street at a 7/11. and he offers me a water or something out the store which i tell him, “no, thank you. I have a gatorade.” Tell me why this guy comes back with a Fiji water for me. Next were back on the road and he offers me gum. Which i keep 2 packs in my center counsel. So to be nice to his generosity I accept. Which he goes onto a story about this girl were picking up. Tells me that they’re friends and he was taking her back to his place. Okay here on out, I can totally be having this all happen in my imagination, but things get weird. So he ask me to let me know if she’s hot when we pick her up. I can’t really fathom why he cares what another man thinks about a woman he’s potentially going to fuck. (its almost 3am-ish on a Friday.. c’mon son). I had recently watched Hitch so in my head I’m wanting to tell the guy. She already choose to pick him, but its on him to not fuck it up. Anyways we approach and low and behold is this tanned blonde with these amazing legs and great body. I admit before she gets in that she’s hot. So she gets in and this is another weird thing I picked up. The guys demeanor changed. He went from talking slang and being all masculine to being almost the opposite and high pitched. They start conversing about her night which she was with 3 guys all night to which, in her words, she didn’t want to have sex with because they were too fucked up and drunk driving. Womanese on the other hand started ringing off things with my spider senses. That this chick wanted to get fucked and this guy wanted to share her with me or watch me fuck her. (Im learning the cuckold is real in this country). They start rambling on about small talk about a guy being able to fuck girls at this hour just by telling them to come over. But at this point were approaching the destination and its getting quiet. Im paying it no mind but do understand its quiet. To pulling up and the girl gets out without a word and the guy thanks me for the ride, hesitate to get out and seeming disappointed. I truly felt like the dude try to buy my will or ease me into being of sexual use for them for the night.

With the way these nights go, I can’t help but get a intuitive feel that either people want to sexualize things or they find the black man irresistible. Media outlets cover us like were things to have. Porn, Athletes, Music, Entertainers. And a ever increasing broadcasting of everything interracial on TV and Movies. I even myself have been on the end of being worshipped for being a black man. I try to leave myself out of these equations in these trips. Dismissing that its all in my head and its not happening for me. But on a night to night basis I’m lodge into this pull that people want to devour me for being this black man I am. I roam around this city a lot. And Outside the “hood” and predominately black neighborhoods and areas or urban venues. I see sprinkles of likeness when out and about. And a vast majority they are workers or a seldom few here and there. So theres always a thought that Im that one different thing that happens to be in the vicinity. That must be had. But hey.. Im hoping its all in my head.

#ubereyez #losangeles #uber #driver #confessions

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ryanjamessalmon · 6 years

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16/01/2018 - 3:42am - beautiful

how do you make a difference in a Life. how do you possibly fulfil such a futile desire to change the world

i dont think im that different from other people. we’re all organs held together by muscle and bone with blue blood that keeps us all alive. I remember when i found out that blood is actually blue and its only when you get cut and the blood reacts with the oxygen in the open air that it turns red. The explanation was cool i remember, but i wasnt surprised by it bc there were plenty of times where i could see the subtle blue lines on the inside part of my wrist where my arm becomes my hand. so when i heard that the blood thats inside of our bodies is blue it made sense. My blood is the same color as whoever may be reading this. different dna, different blood types, different a lot of shit but when it comes down to it how different are we? All of us, i mean. Man, short for human, not indicative of any kind of gender or whether or not you have a dick. When i say man, i mean human, so all of you who are sitting with you finger on the trigger ready to say how my perspective is flawed based off of irelevent by-thoughts in this post, chill.

Do you want to be somebody or do you want to die without anyone remembering who you are after youre gone? there are people that have the world’s attention and you sit at home on youre computer watching other people’s lives because youres is exceptionally unextrodinary. I dream of people looking at me and deciding that they can do anything. I see myself as someone other kids watch interviews of and feel as if I am the only one who sees what they mean. How do you reach that kind of notoriety? what do you have to do to be somebody? If youre looking for the answer youre looking in the wrong place, but i feel like the fact that you stumbled across this post is a good sign. I cant tell you what you have to do to quench the longing for an impactful Life, but i can tell you that youre only gonna find it looking inward.

Theres a lot going on in the world these days is what it seems like, but at the same time when is there not a lot going on? 100 years ago cars were revolutionizing travel, black people couldnt sit in certain locations if white people didnt want them to, Women were “seen as equals” but they weren't allowed to have a say in any kind of decision on a national scale. I’m not about to research the late 1910′s to paint a vivid picture of what was going on, but the point is that the feeling of being a very small fish in a world sized pond was probably not that far off from what im feeling now. If you let me sit until i think of something i can do to be somebody on a global scale then I’ll die before i stand. Jesus did it. DaVinci did it. Its possible, ya know. but to be honest to impact the world is overrated. No one ever appreciates you until you die and even though lots of people will be impacted by your Life, you never get to meet these people. You dont get to know them and know how there Life was before compared to how their Life was after you came into it.

Its the connection, the feeling of being something more than a common face that people want. The chance to give someone else what they might not ever know by themselves. But you dont have to be famous to be somebody. you dont have to do anything extraordinary for humanity, or create something that changes culture. The man that gives the 25 year old an investment so he can start his own business is somebody to that 25 year old. the grocery store clerk who doesnt ring up the 5 packages of diapers for a struggling single mother is somebody to that mom. because theres more than one way to make an impact and be somebody. you dont have to have any skill. no special talent required. A single gesture can make you a main character in somebody’s Life. To change the world is an often sought dream that is never the journey anticipated. but to change a Life; to give another living person, no different from yourself, something that they wouldnt have otherwise can make a difference in their Life. It wont be as glorifying as the feeling that youre after but its better because it real. Its a real feeling of making a difference. this isnt the feeling of working at a nonprofit or a soup kitchen. The kind of impact im talking about it personal connection. Human to human, raw emotion. being the savior of someone’s Life. Just by being there for someone when they are burning out at rock bottom, you have the power to change the course of someone’s Life. and this isnt a feel good empowerment speech with the intention of getting you to go donate all your clothes to a thrift store or any disney hypebeast bs. Its not a simple answer, its not me pushing the idea that a simple kind gesture can change someone’s Life, becasue thats not the truth. Even if i could perfectly itterate into one sentence what im trying to say 99% of people wouldnt be paying attention when they read it so my intention isnt to give you a solution or change of heart. When it boils down to it this is my thoughts on a monday night when i should be sleeping. Its 4:30am now. so when i close my laptop and plug it in for the night and i get back in bed, as i lay down waiting for my mind to slow its roll, i’ll be thinking about what Lives ive impacted in the 21 years ive been here. who have i really made a difference to?

even if its to just one person, i wanna be somebody

#blogposts #blog post

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letmyinsideslive · 6 years

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Conflicted.

dates vary.

you know for some reason, i find myself believing, that boys aren’t worth it. All this time I have always wondered why me, why no boys, why do boys not like me. Now look at me, i have guys all over me, but all i have to say now is that they are disgusting and don’t deserve any of my attention. Don’t get me wrong, I am AMAZING. I’m cute, I’m funny, I’m nice (for the most part) sarcastic, creative, well thought out, so many more attributes. I have many negative characteristics too (who doesn’t) but for the most part, I’m a dime.

The thing is, I wasn’t always a dime. This has taken time. Not only to look good, but to feel good, and think good and just overall, develop a good sense of “self.” If that makes any sense. But whatever, lets keep going. So here’s the thing. Once I started gaining all of this confidence in myself, boys followed… and they have just distracted me and made things worse. If you give boys the time of day, THEY WILL COMPLICATE YOUR LIFE.

I never had my first kiss, I had never done anything with a boy until this guy at my work started pursuing me. The thing is, I liked him back. That’s what got me in trouble. I liked him BACK. And so I pursued back. MISTAKE.

WHAT A MISTAKE.

I am still a virgin (thank you JESUS. I plan on staying a virgin until marriage.. life #goals). Anyway, this guy was all over me and listen. He went WAY TOO FAST. You wanna know why? BECAUSE HE WANTED SEX, and I didn’t. I wanted a person, I wanted someone to talk to, get along with, have fun with. Not only was he just… not a good fit for me. He didn’t (doesn’t) value me as a person or value my morals or ethics. It was SO obvious. He just wanted to kiss me, grope me and have sex with me. and HE TRIED. But YA GIRL DIDN’T BUDGE. The next morning I gave him a HUG (lol) and left. Then, I proceeded to call my sister and talk about my problems. This conversation with my sister led me to the decision to drop said boy.

Dropping said boy was easy. Very easy lol. Buttttttt the aftermath is still burning inside my chest. I can’t help but get annoyed and roll my eyes when I see him talking to other girls. After I broke things off with him, he still proceeded to call me, text me and snapchat me asking what I was doing that night (which, ANNOYED ME). AND GUESS WHAT. He went back to the girl he said was his biggest mistake and hung out (most likely had sex) with her the DAY AFTER I BROKE THINGS OFF WITH HIM. I HATE HIM. Not only because he stole my first kiss, which he did IN FACT, STEAL IT. He told me to “close my eyes because he had something to show me,” yea what a coward he kissed me and it was honestly so lame and I was like… “uhhhh ok thanks??” I didn’t say that of course, there was nothing to thank him for lol.

Its so weird. How I don’t like him, how I don’t even find him that attractive. But I cling to the attention he gives me. because he makes me feel like a queen. He does drugs every night, he drinks every night, he’s 25, works in a restaurant and doesn’t have ANYTHING to acclaim for. I DO! And I’m 22! Not only have I lowered my standards drastically, but I have let this male human grope me, touch me, and kiss me when it means NOTHING TO ME.

And get this. I’m TERRIBLE. I am TERRIBLE person. Last night, I got drunk and guess what I did. I tried to make an agreement with him to “just be friends and to not catch feelings” but let me tell you, I know if I do anything with him I will catch feelings. I just want to drown out everything ELSE im feeling right now. I am a psychopath. I really am. What is WRONG with me. and the thing is, he’s NOT GOOD AT KISSING. Or maybe I just wasn’t drunk enough. All I know is that I haven’t done anything with any guy ever, and I am wasting it on this guy. And I know it will make things worse. I am a MESS, and adding a boy to the equation will just make things messier. So why do I do what I do?

I’ll tell you why.

To feel in control. And it’s a sad excuse, but that is EXACTLY why I am doing what I am doing. It is PITIFUL AND DISGUSTING. And I am using other people. And I am okay with it.

Update.

UPDATE..

I am an idiot. I choose my own fate and I have no idea why, because 90 percent of the time I choose the wrong thing. Like today, I was supposed to study for my finance quiz tomorrow, but did I? no, I didn’t. I fell asleep, and then barely studied (but not actually). I have a court date tomorrow morning, so I am sort of focused on that right now, but even then, the court date is at 8:30am and my quiz is at 6pm. IF I have the time to study in between, if my court date doesn’t take TOO long, I can head back to school and just study before my quiz. But yea, like I said, I don’t always choose the right thing to do. I didn’t choose the right thing to do with this guy that I am messing around with.

I AM A VIRGIN. I AM INEXPERIENCED.

And I hate it.

I hate it.

I just wish I could do stuff and not have feelings about them. It’s lameeeeeeeeeeeeee. We hooked up (not sex obvi) but we did other stuff and it felt amazing, and I loved it. But then (EW) I started seeing myself liking him afterword’s. and that sucks. That sucks a lot. Finally, I had to be honest with him, so I told him what was up. I am not sure how he feels about it. Even though we talked on the phone about it and all of this stuff, I still don’t know how he feels. I feel like I wont know until I see him in person. And all I wanna do is see him in person. Which is SO LAME. I am ONE OF THOSE GIRLS EW EW EW.

Even worse you guys, I work with him. That’s the worst thing. Can you imagine… ughgugughgugghgh

Whatever he said he likes me too but I don’t trust him. He’s a guy, guys lie ALL THE TIME to get what they want. So who friggen knows. All I know is I am finally getting some experience in this area of life and I am using precaution and I am trying my best to be wise and smart about the whole thing.

I don’t feel bad about hooking up, I don’t regret it at all, which is something I am content about. I always thought I would have this crippling regret but yea I don’t lol. The only regret I have is catching feelings and it sucks because he’s a guy so he can separate the two and I cannot because I DON’T KNOW HOW ANY OF THIS WORKS. BUT YEA THAT’S WHATS GOING ON. He is 4 years older than me, great, sweet, kind etcetera etcetera.

I am going to continue praying about the entire thing and my entire journey throughout this experience. In my head and heart, Jesus knows best, and I trust him and fully have faith in His plan for me. I know He loves me more than anyone I know, and He wants to take care of me. So I will hand my life over to Him and let Him take care of me.

I think it is best for me to go now. Need to take a shower and get ready for bed, court date in the morning. Wish me luck, pray for me. I hope you all have a wonderful Tuesday morning my friends.

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