#it's scary but you gradually get to the point where you don't even flinch when it happens. it becomes a part of your daily routine.

[licorishh]

"Everyone's a little ADHD"

you should throw your cup full of water directly on the electrical socket and you should stick a fork in it and you should go run over to that stranger and kiss them cause hey you've never done that before and you should shout a curse word at the top of your lungs just to see what that person over there would do if you did and you should grab that butter knife you just put in the drawer and as a test to see if it'd work as well as a steak knife you should poke yourself in the shoulder would that feel funny? maybe i don't know now run away from home even if you have a great relationship with your parents tie yourself to a tree and wait and see if someone will notice you're gone snap your phone in half purposefully try to hyperextend your knee you've done it before and it didn't hurt that bad so why would it hurt to do it again? everyone is watching you it's so loud it's so bright you want to strangle that person over there because they're chewing too loudly and that light is flickering and your head is splitting open and if someone looks at you again you're gonna start crying but you're in a class you can't run out of the room you're stuck you're stuck you're trapped wait what did the teacher say? you missed that when was the due date she didn't write it down now you don't know what you need the bell is ringing the class is over the teacher is busy with other students you're still sitting here you're wasting time the next class is starting soon wait was there homework? probably not you would've written it down if there were so you can leave now you home you're tired wait did you eat lunch? no you didn't have time you're starving you make yourself a sandwich hey you should throw your cup of water directly on the electrical socket and you should stick a fork in it and you should throw your sandwich on the floor so you have to remake it again or you could leave it there and let the dog eat it even though you know it would make him incredibly sick wait your mom is calling you you forgot to do the dishes ok stop making the sandwich do the dishes finish the dishes check your phone oh that artist posted! scroll through pinterest an hour goes by you forgot to eat the meat and cheese are still out and they're probably spoiled you put them back in the fridge and hope your parents won't notice and now it's time to go to bed and your head hits the pillow and you drift off to sleep and morning comes and it happens again and again and again.

But sure, "Everyone's a little ADHD."

#i'm actually not frustrated surprisingly just feeling compelled #adhd #text post #neurodiversity #i'm aware writing a wall of text regarding adhd is a bit of an oxymoron but i'm making a point #intrusive thoughts are the part of adhd everybody's too afraid to talk about #even if you're happy and well-adjusted and not struggling with depression or anxiety or something else #you just become numb to these kinds of thoughts #and i barely touched on it here. it gets plenty worse #sometimes it's silly things that make you roll your eyes like “throw the pillow at the wall” #other times it's “hurt someone you care about just to see if it's as bad as it looks in the movies” #it's scary but you gradually get to the point where you don't even flinch when it happens. it becomes a part of your daily routine. #you've just accepted that sometimes you feel like a psychopath even though you're not #before any neurotypicals ask me yes i'm perfectly fine lol #i'm at a point in my life where i'm joyful and happy and thankful and i feel wonderful and i'm grateful to be able to say that #this is just how it is to live with this kind of thing. it's an inevitability that i must accept or else i'm lying to myself #if this is something you live with too then believe me i understand. it's a bigger deal than some people make it out to be. #i hope i hope i hope that everyone like me who lives like this is able to make peace with it someday like i have #you are not creepy. you are not a sociopath. you are not dangerous. you just have a different brain just like me #normally i don't talk about stuff like this but i know this kind of thing can make people feel awfully alone because no one talks about it #and i don't want anyone to feel that way. it's a miserable feeling and no one should have to experience it. #if you're unclear as to the point i was making here #there's a pretty common theme of neurotypicals brushing it off and saying things like “everybody has a little adhd” #and essentially implying that what makes adhd adhd is just how human beings operate inherently (it isn't) #i'm tired of seeing people say that kind of thing #because it is a monumental weight and a struggle for millions of people around the world #and making fun of it or diminishing its significance is incredibly cruel #and it really isn't funny. it's really not. you may think it's amusing to make fun of people with things like adhd or autism #but you will never understand the weight these people carry. they are human beings and treating them as anything but is despicable. #do not treat them like children. do not treat them as sub-human just because you feel inconvenienced or annoyed by them.

[pagesofkenna]

rant continued because like. i was literally thinking today, and this is embarrassing, about how i never would have realized i was nonbinary if it wasnt for homestuck (or maybe i would have but it would have taken me much longer and many more years of quiet misery). and it wasn't a direct line but, and this is the most embarrassing part of this, homestuck was the final nudge i needed to get out of the homophobia i'd been raised with. maybe i would have read something else at a different time that would have 'cured' me but instead it was homestuck and now i can trace the realization that i might be trans directly through it

and i never would have read homestuck if the cursing had still bothered me. in high school i was the kid actually asking friends around me not to curse because it bothered me so much; now i notice friends intentionally trying not to use 'bad language' around me and i feel awful because it feels like they don't want to be themselves around me

i started getting more comfortable with swear words when i was lonely and depressed after high school and tumblr was my primary way to connect with people. literally just like half a year of reading this kind of language online everyday, cringing at first (for a while there i actually refused to reblog posts that had cursing in them!) to gradually caring less and less, until I got to the point where i could dive into homestuck of all things and not be phased. and it helped me overcome my homophobia which in turn helped me realize i was nonbinary

and writing that out, it reads like a scary example of a slippery slope i would have heard about in church as a young kid!! 'oh, you start out not getting bothered by bad words, then you stop getting bothered by the queers, and then you decide you are one!!'

but like how much longer would it have taken me to realize who i was if 'bad words' still made me cringe??? there have been NO good examples of nonbinary characters in popular, mildly-worded fiction (frankly there weren't any in language-heavy fiction at that time, either). where would i even have heard the term if i wasn't tentatively stepping through the language into queer spaces online?

we can moralize about whether 'bad words' are actually bad as much as we want - the fact is, so many kids and so many kids growing into adults and so many adults are just raised to flinch away from that kind of language. and when everything that would challenged their internalized prejudices are crafted to be either bland and for kids, or 'vulgar' and unapproachable... those prejudices dont get challenged

and like, hell, i don't want to sound like i'm saying queer things should never be 'vulgar' because that's absolutely not true and as an adult i need spaces that aren't kid-friendly. there should be more places and things that challenge our internalized prejudices in general. some of those things should be bland and kid-friendly and some of those things should be raw and 'vulgar' and truthful, and some of those things should just make a point of not using the 'f' word

#i have a lot of feelings on this specific topic and i dont expect most people to care as much as i do i just need to get my thoughts out #and now im thinking about what WOULD have opened my eyes if i'd never read homsetuck #i can only imagine it would have been some cheesy YA book but idk what i would have read in this alternate world #i feel like i sought out a LOT of queer YA fiction in the last decade partially to like. saturate myself #i wouldn't have read any of those if i still afraid of bad words and still in that 'love the sinner' mindset