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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 11 months

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tw: intrusive thoughts (bigoted thoughts and csa related thoughts)

how do you tell the difference between "just" unpleasant thoughts and intrusive thoughts?

i have some reoccurring thoughts that are not at all things that i believe in or that i want to think about that just randomly pop up. they're not as distressing as what i've seen people who have intrusive thoughts describe, generally just enough to make me recoil a bit or bang my head mentally but i still very much hate having them.

generally it's the t-slur or bits and bops of bigoted thoughts (homophobic and racist stuff despite being queer and black) and some related to children because of csa. the latter thoughts sometimes don't even have time to fully form as thoughts but they get kinda triggered around children and sometimes it's not a thought but a "vibe". like i don't know what i'm thinking about but i know if i let myself the time to fully create the thought it would be bad.

i know thoughts are not necessarily a representation of a person's beliefs but i'm afraid at least a bit of the bigoted ones are rooted in some form of prejudice. like (exaggeratedly) maybe i'm a huge bigot but i'm just trying to look/feel decent despite not believing in decent things if that makes sense. i have to say i'm not necessarily super educated on say queer history for example so i do have bias to unlearn and stuff but that doesn't mean i think lesser of queer people, or i sure hope i don't lol??

Hi anon,

I'm sorry to hear that you're dealing with these unpleasant thoughts.

Intrusive thoughts often involve distressing, unwanted, or repetitive thoughts that can be difficult to control or dismiss. They can cause anxiety or discomfort. While your experiences may not match the intensity or distress commonly associated with intrusive thoughts, it seems like you're dealing with thoughts that are unwanted and bothersome to you.

The thing is that many people (dare I say everyone, on some level) experience unpleasant thoughts or ones that even they find offensive. Everyone is biased. Thought crimes don't exist. What matters is what you choose to give space to and make real. It sounds like you may be dealing with some level of impostor syndrome because these thoughts seem to be making you believe that you're secretly a bigot. But it's crucial to remember that your thoughts do not necessarily reflect your true beliefs or values.

Ironically, thoughts like these tend to get more persistent the more you fight them. It's not easy at first, but learning to simply acknowledge that you're having the thought and allowing it to pass like every other thought can help. Some people benefit from visualizing a stream (of consciousness) where each thought is a lily pad, placing the thought on the lily pad and watching it drift away.

It's possible that these thoughts could be motivated by some potential internalized queerphobia or internalized racism you may be harboring. A mental health professional such as a therapist can offer guidance tailored to your specific needs, if you can access or afford it. A therapist can help you explore these thoughts further, provide coping strategies, and assist in your personal growth and healing.

Please know that you are not defined by your thoughts. Remember to practice self care during this time. I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #tw homophobia #tw transphobia #tw csa #tw sa #tw child abuse #tw racism

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jukeboxhound · 2 years

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Part of my job is to teach people stuff, usually in the categories of either a) domestic violence or b) peer counseling skills and trauma-informed care.

One of the challenges I run into when training other service providers is the burnout that comes with supporting people with multiple needs: DV, sexual assault, substance misuse, houselessness, poverty, racism, queerphobia, whorephobia, etc etc. A provider just can't get adequately trained in everything, so how do you prioritize?

So I've been thinking, like, what would be the one thing I think should be the universal, fundamental basic to educate everyone on?

And I think I'd choose: dynamics of power.

Kyriarchy is fundamentally about the way differences in power get institutionalized and implemented on the biggest social scales. Domestic violence, child abuse, elder abuse, and sexual assault are fundamentally about one person exploiting the way in which they have power over another person. Unsafe service providers like therapists, priests, healers, and doctors who take advantage of their power over their clients to apply their own agenda "for the client's own good," removing the client's capacity for self-determination. Coercive cults undermine a person's sense of autonomy and choice - that is, an individual's personal sense of power. Consent doesn't exist where one person has power over another. Substance misuse happens when people don't have the resources to access the supports they need and then social stigma robs them further of their autonomy. Police brutality occurs when the cops are assured that they won't face real consequences for harming others because they have more sociopolitical power than their marginalized victims. War comes down to domination - once again, power over another group of people.

And dynamics of power come into play the moment that two or more people become aware of the other, even before anything is said or otherwise communicated. Snap judgments about appearance, clothing, skin color, gender expression...our internalized biases and past experiences about these aspects of identity mean that we're already set up to engage with others within some specific frameworks of assumed power differentials right from the get-go.

I just can't think of a form of violence, on any scale from the individual to the global, that doesn't come back to dynamics of power. Who has power and who doesn't? Who uses that power and who feels fear because of it? How do you have power with, not power over?

#still a little bitter about a fight with some comrades who didn't understand that saying 'there is no hierarchy here'#didn't actually make it true in practice #and i'm watching from the sidelines as they wield their social influence in unspoken and subtly defensive ways #that undermined their claim of no social hierarchy #anyway yes. power dynamics #hound barks #LOOK IT'S BRAVE LITTLE TOASTER #.....never did like that movie as a kid tbh

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discoveringsandra · 3 years

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Journal entry #26

Content warning: LGBTQphobia

Spoiler alert for Ace Ventura, Friends and Schitt's Creek

Let's talk about internalized queerphobia, or the reason why I'm afraid of being myself. I know, it's a really light topic to begin your week.

I don't remember the first time I heard a homophobic joke. Maybe it was from a relative or a friend, maybe from tv, but they've always been there. Even in presumably progressive environments, people (especially cishet men) seem to have this need to punch down.

I think I saw the first Ace Ventura movie as a kid, but I didn't remember the twist ending until I watched it as an adult; but I do remember that a good deal of the raunchy and absurd comedies I saw in my teens had jokes about running away from women who turned out to be men. This may have been a parody of trends from thrillers I hadn't seen, but it does look like some comedians and writers are overtly disgusted by concepts like gay, transgender or transvestite, which they constantly confuse.

Take Friends, for example, a wildly successful sitcom. It's said that actor Matthew Perry rejected to do gags that made Chandler look gay or effeminate. I don't know if this came from his internalized homophobia or if he thought it could be disrespectful, but I know screenwriters made sure to use all this jokes on his characters father. Chandler's father appears as an uncertainly labeled femme presenting person who does drag queen/cabaret style shows, and the series considers that a constant punchline. Even the most pro-LGBTQ moments in that show, like Ross's exwife marrying another woman, are treated as jokes, since it's the definitive point of a male character's emasculation.

Now compare this to more recent shows like Schitt's Creek. David is one of those openly queer characters who could exist in real life but can also be sold as a funny character to the cishets. Although the show has problems with the definition of pansexual, it never looks like they're making fun of David's sexuality. His wedding, while still funny, is one of the most wholesome moments I remember on a tv show.

I wish I had grown with a fictional representations of LGBTQ people like this. I wouldn't have internalised this idea that this kind of people have to be othered, marginalised, so I can maintain my normative status. It sucks to be so insecure, to use slurs just to get along with your friends, to double guess your style, your interests, your desires.

Even now, when I've admitted to myself that I'm trans, I'm afraid of deeper queer themed media. Schitt's Creek sold itself as a sitcom, but biographies, graphic novels, documentaries and even videogames where queer creators pour their souls just to tell others "Here I am, I am human and it's okay to be like this" scare me. I'm still afraid that they will awaken something inside me that I won't be able to hide and then I would lose the person I am.

I know this is mostly my ego and I know that I haven't fully accepted who I really am yet, but I think it's fair to partially blame all those jokes, seen always as harmless, society used to keep me in cishetness. Because I never saw, in my personal experience, actual physical violence against queer people, but I did see and hear people being (and teaching me to be) queerphobic.

#journal entry #journal #entry #26 #transgender #trans #queer #in the closet #personal #personal blog #Queerphobia #Friends #Ace Ventura #Schitt's Creek #Internalized queerphobia

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trans-axolotl · 4 years

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I'm not arguing with you, simply giving my take as a queer person, but. The majority of the time when the word queer pops up as far as I've seen, it's either people describing themselves, which isn't imposing the word on anyone, OR it's non-queer people tagging queer people's posts that use queer as "q slur". And as a queer person I find it extremely offensive for my identity to be reduced to that. (1/2 i hate the lack of room here)

Anonymous said:

(2/2 same anon) It's imposing on my ability to call MYSELF queer without being seen as something offensive, inherently bad. I understand and respect ppl who don't want queer used for them, and I Don't use it for anyone unless I know they specifically ID as queer. People who do that are dicks and I won't deny they exist. But where I'm at is this: It's harmful and offensive to see people calling themselves Queer and tag like that, like it's something that's too dirty to be seen.

(actually 1 more thing so 3/2 I guess) And as someone who reclaims the f slur, I don't think Queer is on the same level. Queer is closer to calling someone gay in my eyes. Gay can and has been used as a slur but non-gay people still have the decency to not treat gay as exclusively a slur. And we had to fight for that! And I'm fighting for Queer to get equal respect, bc I think queer people deserve at least that, & when I believed different it was bc of some very strong internalized Queerphobia.

I mean, I think we just have a bit of a different understanding of the word queer. I hear what you’re saying about the word gay, but I think that the community is in a very different place when it comes to gay versus queer. I also think there’s a historical difference between the usage of gay and queer, and I think that queer is a lot more painful word for a lot of people. I agree with you that I hope one day that queer is no longer used as a slur and I hear what you’re saying about how you don’t want it to be treated exclusively as a slur. And in my opinion, I don’t think that mentioning that queer has been used as a slur negates the fact that it’s also an identity, and one that holds a lot of powerful significance and history for the community.

I also agree that I don’t think queer and fag are on the same level, but like, that’s for me. Everyone’s individual experience of slurs are different and everyone’s comfort levels are different and I don’t feel like I as an individual get to tell other people how to feel and rate their experiences with slurs and if they’re on the same level or not. There’s obviously a bit of difference in the history of how queer has been used and how fag has been used, and how queer is a word used in a lot of academic circles, but I just think that it’s not up to me to dictate how other people feel about it.

Also, I don’t agree with you about the idea that tagging someone’s post with q slur is imposing or dirtying their identity. Like, from my perspective, pointing out and acknowledging that a word has been used as a slur isn’t dirtying a word or saying that it’s inherently too offensive to be seen. For me, the whole point about reclaiming slurs like fag is that they’re slurs. It’s empowering for me to take back words that have been used towards me and be like so what, you want to use it as a slur, I get to use it in a way that’s empowering to me. And that empowerment is based on the fact that it is a slur. It’s just one that doesn’t hurt me when it’s from my mouth. I also just think that there’s a difference between tagging someone’s post, which the OP isn’t notified of, and like, reblogging and telling someone to stop using queer. Obviously the second is despicable, but I think that tagging something is more for your own blog then for the OP, and I think that like, doing that which is something the OP is very unlikely to see doesn’t really impose on the queer person in question.

And for me, the reason I tag slurs that are also my identities isn’t because I think they’re too dirty to be seen-I tag them because I know firsthand how painful those words can be and I recognize that just because they’re not painful for me, doesn’t mean they’re not painful for everyone else. And also I don’t think anyone has to tag stuff if they don’t want to. Like, everyone is allowed to have their own blog and I honestly think it’s perfectly fine just to be like nope, I can’t tag stuff or I won’t tag this because it’s your blog and people can just unfollow if they’re uncomfortable. I just choose to tag stuff because I know I have mutuals and friends on here who have had really painful experiences with the word queer and other slurs, and for me, it’s important to keep my blog a space where they can feel free to follow without being triggered.

#asks #f slur #q word #(i hear what you're saying so i didn't tag it as a slur #ok to reblog #also like im not upset with the asker or anything like i think it's fine to disagree #and maybe we just have two different perspectives but i hope that we can just coexist and be like okay #we see this differently and that's okay

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