#it's been such a hard year guys. and I don't want to complain or wallow but I wish I could just break down have a good cry | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

vespertineart · 3 years

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'*•.¸♡ ♡¸.•*'*ੈ✩‧₊˚'*•.¸♡ ♡¸.•*'*ੈ✩‧₊˚'*•.¸♡ ♡¸.•*'𝓫𝓪𝓭 𝔀𝓮𝓪𝓽𝓱𝓮𝓻 𝓲𝓼 𝔀𝓸𝓻𝓽𝓱 𝓲𝓽'*•.¸♡ ♡¸.•*'*ੈ✩‧₊˚'*•.¸♡ ♡¸.•*'*ੈ✩‧₊˚'*•.¸♡ ♡¸.•*'*ੈ✩‧₊˚

"𝔾𝕠𝕠𝕕 𝕘𝕣𝕚𝕖𝕗."

Jotaro kujo x Fem! reader

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Life moves so fast. Too fast, for your liking. Maybe it's because your childhood wasn't the nicest, so you have wallowed in the sadness it brought you too much that you weren't aware of time, or the fact that you were so wrapped up in one future, you thought your life depended on nothing but academic purpose. At least then. Or maybe it's because you never realized how much you've wanted to do in your life until three years ago. You're still young, though a young adult, and you shouldn't be worried about the consequences of things you never did. Though, maybe they would affect you later on.

It's always been overwhelmingly depressing when you realize you can't relate to that flurrery feeling every one of your classmates told you about when bungee jumping or simply touching a manta ray. Never have you had the chance to visit a very famous amusement park because of how expensive it was. All of that would make you the odd one out in any friend group, which is why you never bothered to start a close friendship with someone.

However, this year was different. Let aside the fact that you missed out on all your school year's material, you experienced something far more exciting than anyone's ever had. Your mind still finds itself boggled by the sudden event. One second you're with your classmate who you knew nothing about at the time, and the next he's in jail, and you're with his grandfather trying nag get him out.

You can't even bring yourself to comprehend how you even got a grip on the whole situation, how you managed to have yourself thrown into the formula, from going to Egypt and saving Miss Holly, to fighting Dio and even almost dying with Kakyoin and Avdol who are currently in different hospitals. It all still feels so surreal.

Unconsciously, as you reminisce, your fingers brush the large scar that lays unveiled on the surface of your forearm, reaching from your wrist to your cheek, a few scabs still blanketing random edges on it. Soon, your hands found themselves reaching your currently broken and cast ankle. Your crutches lay limp on your leg. Your skin is cold, and so is the wind hitting it. For May, this is probably the longest it has taken to become warm.

"Oi, yn." You're snapped out of your daze when a certain deep voice calls out to you, a coherent tinge of worry trailing at the end of the person's greeting.

The all-familiar, stinging scent of cologne immediately assures you of who this person is. You let out a sigh, dipping your head down, eyes closed, a delightful sense of relief washing over you.

"Hey, Jojo. Thanks," you greet as you take a weak hold of the beer can your companion bought you. After a while of shuffling, both of you got your backs comfortable on the strong walls of the school's roof, taking in the cool wind as it brushes through your hair. The sun is set, but there is still a bit of sunlight left, it mixes beautifully with the soft white streetlights and spots of yellow, red and blue in the far distance which homes and billboards emit. If you focus enough, you can see a light silhouette of hills.

Jojo. Jotaro kujo. You recite that name on your tongue every night, sometimes in fear you might forget it. Some of his admirers despise you for it. For having the advantage of calling out to him whenever you want and he'd answer you, and only you. Your classmates say you're extremely lucky, like you've won a million-dollar bet for being his first and closest female friend. He's never down to open up, but from your experience, he's desperate for any type of companionship. However, the so-called advantages were never what this was all about for you. If it was, you'd know barely anything about each other, and you're glad you could become more than just classmates after the whole Egypt thing. To you, his friendship depended and revolved more around trust and means of comfort than just mainly using him for safety and assumed attention. The fact that he's truly a hard to crack shell of a man—that you somehow managed to turn into ash the moment you told him to 'get the fuck out of the jail room, you look ridiculous' —never mattered to you more than how closer you wish to get to him. Focusing in front of you again you watch the colors of the clouds merge with the dark purple of the sky. The stars are already out, and a beautiful half-moon is shining brighter than ever. You pout, disappointed of the incoming inability to see it in full display due to the sky's current cloudy state.

"Old man called me yesterday." You turned your head to Jotaro, eyes immediately locking with his. Just the simple fact that both of you go out of your ways to fully focus on each other makes your relationship all the more mutual. Jotaro, especially, he's never felt as easy with anyone as he has with you, and kakyoin, too, but he'd never say it directly to any of you . At night, when he's lost in his thought, he finds himself thinking of you. How kind you are and how you never seem to see the bad in anything despite having a bad past. He'd never admit it let alone say it with his tongue but he tries to take advantage of that kindness, in a way to make sure nothing will happen to you. He can't afford to lose anyone else. He also doesn't know if the fact that he thinks of you is more embarrassing, or the fact that he secretly wants to let his walls down in front of you one day. The thought comforts him, but, as usual, he's too meek about it, since there were many times his 'kindness' would be misunderstood as romantic intent. Well, he's doubting that, anyways, specifically with you.

"hm?" you reply, taking a sip of the refreshing drink in your hand. Your fingers wrap around each other, holding the can in a tight and secure grip. You're prone to dropping your drinks now and then, so you found this to be the most practical way of 'protecting them'. Yes, you look stupid when you end up dropping them either way. You two always get a good laugh from it, so at least there isn't any embarrassment happening.

"He was wondering if you wanted to stay with us for a couple more weeks. Mom misses you already." Jotaro exhales, smoke filling the air around you and mixing with his musky cologne to create an unbearable scent you never wanted to forget. The mention of Mr. Joestar for the third time this month makes your eyes widen. It was all for the same reason too. You lived alone for a long time now, and you've gotten very used to the lonely and eerie feeling of your dark home at night. However, of course, after meeting the Joestars, Joseph couldn't possibly leave you without pampering you so much, especially after helping with saving his precious daughter. You were grateful. You always are for what he does for you, but just enough for him to make you basically live with him is something you can't quite afford. Not money-wise, it's just that you don't have anything to give them in return, and offering your life also meant living with them. The cycle goes on.

With a grunt, you twist your form to face Jotaro, your hands pushing hard on the floor to support your frail physique.

"Jojo...I really appreciate it, but I have things to do at my house. I need to clean it, take care of the food that's been in the fridge for almost a month now. Maybe another time, but I really don't want to trouble you guys like this. You've done way too much for me already," you excuse, trying your best to scoot closer to your friend. As a final task for the day, you set yourself up on your knees and wrap your arms around the much larger man, patting him on the back a couple of times before planting a heavy peck on his forehead. "And you can stop worrying about me so much now, Joot. I'm really fine, thanks to you." A warm smile graces your lips as you speak your soft words to Jotaro, seeing his panicked eyes slowly close as he scoffs, pushing you away and hiding his rose-tinted face with the shadow of his hat.

"I'm still walking you home."

As much as you want to, you can't complain with a broken ankle. Who knows what might happen if you're too slow with walking? Over his dead body will Jotaro Kujo let anyone lay a finger on you...

~~~~~~~~~

The slow crunching of pebble and dust under heavy boots and the repetitive melody of crickets in the grass is enough to get you woozy in the freezing weather of tonight. The wind started picking up a long while ago, and you fear it might get worse before you reach your home. Clouds are grey and dull as they sway in a quick pace in the blue-black sky. The vigorous rustling of trees makes your ears tingle. Your pores are open with sweat, the droplets slowly trickling down your face and quickly drying out. Your arms over your crutches, your stomach hurting from excessive contraction, your breath becomes heavy, and your chest begins to hurt. It's been well over 20 minutes since you guys have been walking, and you're starting to hate yourself for letting Jotaro deal with your snail-paced struggle on a day like this.

Without a word, you sigh, then slowly crouch down to reach the floor. However, from how your ankle is positioned, the momentum you pushed yourself down with was faster than you anticipated, and you gasp. Bracing yourself for impact, you let go of your crutches hastily, spreading your arms in front of you to prepare support. Your eyes close tightly and you clench your stomach, a second away from hitting the concrete before feeling a soft barrier holding you up. Slowly, you open your eyes again, to find none other than Jotaro, encasing you in his large, jacket-cushioned arms. Without a chance to react, you feel yourself getting pulled up, hoisted up a millimeter high and huddled in your friend's arms again only this time in a better position for him to be able to swing your legs over to the side.

"Good grief, woman. What the hell were you doing?!" At this position, you can clearly hear the growl in Jotaro's voice. Heck, his breath is right in your ear. Inevitably, you shiver, letting out a huff of air. You feel yourself blush out of embarrassment when he gives you a side eye and you prepare to find a good answer to his question.

"Sorry, I wanted to sit down a bit...I uh..wasnt expecting to...fall-"

"Whatever, just stop talking or you'll die. And you're freezing ," Jotaro interrupts, leaning down to grab your crutches, still holding onto you. His head rests on your shoulder as he bends down, his fingers curling with ease around the handles.

Still shocked from the sudden ordeal, you start shuffling in Jotaro's arms, earning a grunt from him.

"Stay still, yn, for fuck's sake!"

"I-I can still walk on my own, JoJo!"

Annoyingly, or rather, smugly, Jotaro ignores your comment, only dragging his disagreement further by hoisting you up further so your figure is tucked snuggly between his arms. This proves his previous comment of how cold you actually are, seeing as you immediately melt into his arms, eyes almost instantly closing as you sigh, taking in the comfortable warmth of the thick fabric of his clothes.

when you look back at him, you decide not to complain any more when he raises an eyebrow at you and lets out chuckle. You just stare at the fading stars, keeping the image of his rare smile in your head along your little journey.

As you space out, your eyes having no place to stay still as the clouds move endlessly, you shake your head, feeling the pain in the back of your head from how dizzy you've become. This world is too big for even eyes to bear. you let out a mall sigh, the incoming comfort quickly cut off as you gasp. A wet droplet found its way on your nose uninvited. You look at Jotaro, expecting to see his face dotted with a bit if sweat, but that wasn't the case. Another droplet, and a third, and soon you see one slip off from Jotaro's hat. Oh... Ooooh...

Oh shit.

You gasp once more, suddenly sitting up and causing Jotaro to retract his head with a grunt.

"What the hell?!"

"Jojo it's raining!"

"And..?! Jeez you overreact."

With a pout, you hit the top of your friend's head, earning a stutter from him.

"C-can you walk a bit faster..? I can't have you getting sick, " you complain, clutching onto the chain dangling from JoJo's collar as a way to nudge him into agreeing to your order.

"That's not happening, y/n just sit back down-" As if to mock him, the clouds let out a loud clap of thunder, The rain quickly picking up with the wind. As fast as this happened, you and Jotaro are now almost drenched in water. You cross your arms, looking up at Mcedgy with a smug expression on your face.

He sighs heavily, tugging the brim of his hat and letting out his famous

"Good grief..." before wrapping his jacket around you like a stolen package and trudging quickly. A few moments pass before he starts to run.

Surprisingly, your house isn't that far away anymore. You'd expect that from someone twice your height running. Currently, your friend is huffing, occasionally spitting excess water away from his mouth.

"We're here."

He stops running, just jogging his way around a building before setting you down on the floor, waiting until you regained balance to give you your crutches back. You hiss at how cold the air is, your body quickly shivering.

You quickly find your keys from your pocket before limping to your front door and opening it with a satisfying click, taking your single wet shoe off and stepping into your house, again, cringing because of how cold the floor has gotten. As you manage to trudge to pull a shawl you found hanging on a chair, you turn back to the door, facing Jotaro again.

"Thanks for walking me here JoJo. It was definitely a pain, I'm sorry," you apologize, a wide smile on your face, rubbing the back of your neck.

"It's fine," says Jojo, already lighting his third cigarette of the day and placing it between his lips.

There's a long silence between the two of you, the heavy sound of rain and occasional thunder being the only thing breaking it. Your breaths are heavy because of the weather, and you do nothing but stare at each other. It seems none of you want to turn away for some reason. both of you are worried for each other. It takes another while before any of you finally move, Jotaro shuffling off of the steps in front of your door and turning around with a small farewell.

You, knocked out of your trance, call out to him again, making him stop. Now in your garden, completely soaked, Jotaro turns his head to you. His cigarette is barely lit anymore.

"Umm...I just realized your house is too far away," you start, catching your friend's attention. He slowly walks back to you, shoving his hands in his pockets. He only hums in response.

"Uh...I just...don't want you walking all that way again, and further so why-"

"I'm not coming inside your house," Jotaro cuts you off, causing you to stutter and blink a couple of times. However, you've already made up your mind and there's no way you're turning back now.

"No, JoJo, you are, and I'm serious right now!," you protest, trying your best to sound strict as you walk to take a hold of Jotaro's arm with your free one and pulling him under the dry safety of your door. When he realized he stepped in with his shoes, he quickly retreats, pulling on his hat and looking away.

"JoJo...!"

Jeez, you're so naïve. Little do you know, Jotaro is only concerned about causing you any harm. He'd rather shrivel up and die from hypothermia than have you affected by him. But...refusing is never an option with you at this point. If anything, he doubts you won't end up following him until he's already at his own house, still trying to nag him further. He grunts, shaking his head then looking back to you.

"Jesus, fine."

Your face quickly lights up with a smile, and you drag Jotaro inside your house —with a limp—and make him take his jacket off. As much as he somewhat doesn't want to be here, Jotaro sighs in relief, shuddering at the warmth of your home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

{2901 words}

This is just something to start writing here. I'm not sure how to feel about it but I hope you like it lol, you can imagine what happens next. this seems very random and messy, which it is but I promise I'll come back with better content lmfao.

--Poppie

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mamichigo · 3 years

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Title: picture frame

Pairing: Dazai/Atsushi

Rating: G

Word count: 1,7k

Tags: Fluff, Domestic, Established Relationship, Writer Dazai, Photographer Atsushi

Summary: "Your tired smiles, your warm eyes. I collect all the important parts of you, protected by picture frames."

Notes: This is my gift for @katsuriya! (Katsu ily). Written for @dazatsu-exchange.

"Can't you guys just do whatever you want? It's not like I would know anything about organizing events like this. Yeah, I know I signed up for it but— Kunikida-kun, this is torture! You're bullying your author! I'm gonna die of a heart attack… Yes, yes, I'll do it, geez."

Dazai had been on the phone with his editor for the better part of the last two hours. Atsushi watched him pace around the low table of the living room. If it were possible, he would've digged holes with the force of his footsteps alone. After that last sentence, Dazai cycled through a series of empty "uh huh", "yes", "alright", until he finally put the phone down with a sigh.

"Atsushi-kun…" Dazai whined. He slumped, then crouched, then finally lied down with his face to the floor. "This is unbearable."

"Is Kunikida-san being strict as usual?"

"As usual? It's much worse than that!" Dazai slapped the floor weakly. "Just because it's almost New Year, it shouldn't affect my schedule. But I have the deal with the manga department now, and I'm technically the co-author, plus they can't get anything through without my approval. I've been pulled into their holiday season events, it's awful."

Atsushi, feeling sympathy for the clearly overworked author, padded his way and joined Dazai on the floor. He sat down on his knees and patted Dazai's head gently.

"Thank you for your hard work."

Dazai gurgled some sound that Atsushi couldn't decipher the meaning of, and made no further attempt to communicate. Atsushi continued to play with Dazai's hair until he had wallowed long enough to feel ready to roll over and look up at Atsushi. There were clear dark circles under his eyes.

"This is what happens when you actually do your work," Dazai whispered mutinously.

Atsushi laughed and threatened to let his editor know he said that. Dazai, betrayed, pinched Atsushi's thigh. Because Atsushi was a good person and he loved his partner very much, he ignored the sting and leaned down to kiss Dazai's cheek.

"Would you let me do a photoshoot with you?" Atsushi asked.

Dazai lolled his head to nuzzle against Atsushi's knee. He looked up at Atsushi questioningly. "Right now?"

"Only if you want to," Atsushi reassured. "Nothing fancy, you don't even need to change clothes. I think it'd be a nice distraction."

Dazai hummed; Atsushi felt the vibrations up his leg. He squirmed a little.

"If it is your desire, then it is also mine, there's no request I would refuse except for those that cause you harm," Dazai said in a low voice. It sounded like a quote, maybe from something he was working with. Though, it could just as easily be something he came up with on the spot. It was hard to tell, with Dazai.

"You're really too much," Atsushi admonished.

Dazai laughed, tired but carefree. "If you insist, then, in normal terms that's a yes."

"Let me get my camera."

Atsushi got up to do that and changed the lens to one of his best ones. Besides that, Atsushi didn't bother with any other equipment, though the lights and reflectors that seemed to be in Dazai's place more than his own were readily available. These pictures were just for himself, so he would work with whatever lighting there was.

(There was a special allure to Dazai that couldn't be captured quite right in artificial light.)

Dazai was still in the same spot when Atsushi came back, drawing invisible patterns with his index finger and whispering to himself.

Atsushi waited until he stopped to ask, "New idea?"

"A flash of inspiration that might save me from my writer's block in the future."

"That's some powerful inspiration."

Dazai raised his hand to Atsushi, who helped him up by the arm. Dazai rose in a smooth arc, directly into Atsushi's embrace. Atsushi poked him the ribs and pushed him away.

"I can't take your picture with you clinging to me like that."

"Ah, love is such a fickle and cruel thing," Dazai said. Despite his words, he stole a kiss as soon as Atsushi's attention flickered to his camera. "What do you have in mind this time?"

"Something for the New Years sounds fitting."

Atsushi explained what he had imagined, and Dazai, knowing the layout of his own house much better than Atsushi, suggested the locations that would be most fitting for the setting. It was a good thing that Dazai already wore a kimono as his default outfit, with the addition of his most comfortable haori and a fortune charm that he held in his calloused right hand, it made for enough of a nice image to go with the theme. Atsushi held back from saying anything when Dazai held the charm to his lips in an almost kiss, his eyelashes lowered delicately.

Not for the first time, Atsushi was impressed by the sheer size of Dazai's house. Every time they did one of these photoshoots, Atsushi felt the house became warmer; all the corners that were too empty, too sparse were filled with movement. The ghosts lingered less like this.

For the final picture, Atsushi directed Dazai back to the low table. Thankfully, the sliding door facing the garden let in enough light to capture Dazai in the gray hues of winter with his face half illuminated by it. It made for a pretty picture, even if Dazai ruined the atmosphere by biting into a mandarin like he would an apple. Atsushi's eyebrow twitched.

"Atsushi-kun, this isn't even an actual kotatsu," Dazai complained as he flopped down while Atsushi checked the last series of pictures. "This entire photoshoot is a sham."

Atsushi paused to raise his eyebrows at Dazai. He looked pointedly at the low table. "So now you admit it's not a kotatsu?"

"Well, it has the table and the warm blanket over it. It's close enough, right?" Dazai patted the tabletop. "This does the job nicely. Why would I buy a new one just for the heater?"

"You could just buy a heater by itself."

"Irrelevant."

"You're just a cheapskate."

Dazai snorted inelegantly. In this position, lying as he was, his hair fell over his eyes, half obscuring them. Both his arms were held above his head, and the sleeves of his kimono slid down to reveal rolls of bandages; the dip went low enough that Atsushi wondered if he would see a grimplss of naked skin, if he tilted his head just right. As if catching on to his thoughts, Dazai watched him like a hawk, his eyes half-lidded. There was a smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

Atsushi made a gesture for Dazai not to move, and raised his camera to capture that expression. As he stared at the resulting picture, Atsushi thought that, out of all the other pictures, this was the one he specially wouldn't show to anyone.

"Atsushi-kun, you're getting some sort of impure thought, aren't you?" Dazai teased.

Atsushi coughed lightly. "I'm not."

"You always get this guilty look when you do it, just so you know," he helpfully informed.

Atsushi quickly turned his head. "It's just your impression."

Dazai wormed his way to Atsushi, shuffling about on his elbows. Atsushi finally relaxed from the awkward pose he had forced his legs into to get the frame he'd wished for. As soon as Atsushi let go of the camera, Dazai reached for his hand.

"Hm." Dazai poked each of Atsushi's fingers with his own. "Did that make you feel better?"

Arsushi blinked in confusion. "I'm the one who should be asking you that."

"You really shouldn't!"

"I thought you were doing this to help you forget all the publishing stress?"

Dazai gave him an indulgent smile. He let go of Atsushi's hand to reach for his camera, hanging from Atsushi's neck. Atsushi, even though still confused, lowered his head so Dazai could remove the camera. He set it aside a safe distance away from them, and pulled Atsushi down so they were in pile on the floor. Dazai wrapped an arm around Atsushi's waist.

"You get so focused on others you don't even notice your own stress, do you? It's not the worst coping mechanism, but it does make you quite oblivious your own feelings." Dazai let his words sink in before adding, "It's okay if you're not doing your best."

Atsushi inhaled carefully. Dazai's orange-like scent clung to his lungs. He relaxed onto Dazai's body.

"I dislike winter," Atsushi confessed. "It makes me think of being cold and hungry. I… I feel a lot better when I don't have to think about it."

Dazai tightened his grip. "Alright. Then I'm glad to be a distraction." He paused. "Ohhh, maybe I should start writing poems. My specialty is prose first and foremost, but I'm sure I could pull it off. I'd give you a bunch of lovesick poems, and then you'd be too preoccupied being completely, utterly in love with me."

"I'm already completely, utterly in love with you, Dazai-san."

"Then completely, utterly, ultra in love with me."

"I'm pretty sure you just want an excuse to procrastinate your new manuscript."

Arsushi couldn't see it, but he just knew Dazai was grinning. "Just a little bit. Ah, but I'm serious. You always look at peace when you take pictures of me—does wonder for my ego, by the way—, so I'm glad to be your model when you need it."

"That's because…" Atsushi took a moment to compose his words in a way that would make sense. "Usually you take pictures to feel nostalgic about the past, knowing that moment will never come back. When I take your picture, it's more like proof."

"Proof of what?"

"That I still love you, just like I loved you then. Just like I'll love you tomorrow. I think the stability of it gives me comfort when everything else is hectic."

Silence.

"Dazai-san?"

Atsushi pushed himself to his elbows. Dazai was quietly glaring at him, his face pink. Atsushi was stunned. He tried to reach for his camera, but Dazai gripped both his wrists.

"I can't handle you sometimes," Dazai managed to croak out. "I'm going to make a character who is pretty much you, and pair him with a self-insert, then have a tragic, dramatic love story for them. Don't test me."

Atsushi giggled. "Don't threaten me just because you're shy!"

"Atsushi-kun, I don't have a single shy bone in my body, take that back!"

Atsushi just watched with fondness as Dazai went on a tirade on all the ridiculous antics he would put his characters through. Atsushi chose not to let him know his heartbeat was frantic in his chest.

I love you, it wanted to say. I love you and you're wonderful.

#nakajima atsushi #dazai osamu #dazatsu #dazushi #bsd #bungou stray dogs #my writing

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bobbijojojo-blog · 4 years

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COVID-Week 3

It's fun to complain, but I have something else for a change. Bear with me because this is a turning point in my life and I need to let someone know. In this time where it feels like so much has been "taken from us" (freedom, jobs, money, stability, etc), its crazy to think of how much this time has given me in terms of gratitude. I am SO thankful for what I have right in this moment and would give anything to make sure that nothing jeopardized it in the coming days, weeks, or months.

The perspective of EVERYTHING has changed for me over the past couple weeks. It is amazing how much we have all taken for granted for so long. That doesn't mean that its not damn horrible (and the worst will come) but I'm just blissfully happy for each moment that I notice how lucky I am right now. SO lucky.The world is so jacked right now but somehow little moments where I forget what's going on around the globe, I notice the most beautiful things out of nowhere.I know that this can change in a moments notice. I know that its going to be messy when it all hits the fan locally, but right now I'm so glad to have all that I have. I can breathe. I can laugh with my kids. I can tell them how much I love them. I can run and dance down the street with them where in other places streets are littered with bodies of the ones that didn't make it. Can't you guys see that every single minute that things aren't worse than they are right now, we are SO fortunate! Right now I have a silver lining and I'm going to bask as long as I can.

I've always been in love with my sadness. My eternal pessimism has always defined me. The glass is always half empty...or more for me. Until now-now I realize that I could have nothing in my glass at all.

It's like for every crappy part of this, I can find SOMETHING that I've gained. Ok, so it sucks homeschooling mainly because I feel SO bad that the kids have lost absolutely every social connection to the outside world overnight, BUT being forced to work with them on it all have shown me what a kick ass reader Myla is and how eager she is to make me proud, It's given me an appreciation for how intense Jonas' work can be an how much focus has to go into his learning. He's the bomb at math, but now I'm forced to slow down and pay attention to all the little things that I've always been "too busy" to notice. Also-teachers rock! WOW. I've been learning how wasteful I've been for all of my adult life. I'm learning to cut back and truly acknowledge what is essential and what is excessive-- how to make each dollar count a little more. Before, I might have made one meal with a big pack of chicken (on the rare occasion that I cooked opposed to opting to eat out)-now I can stretch the same chicken into 3 meals AND instill in my kids that if you don't want to eat what I cook, I'm not cooking you a second meal. Also, I/we worked hard to buy that food and invested time planning, thinking, and cooking it so you gonna eat it!

I'm being FORCED to teach my kids limits and boundaries where again, I never "had time" before, now its the essence of our survival with them being home and confined for months with only each other as company. I've spent time appreciating fresh air from my porch and watching the sun set on blooms of trees. I'm learning to plan things and follow through because to disappoint the kids at a time where their whole world has changed overnight, how could I engulf myself in stupid things that waste my time and make them feel ignored. I haven't spent days wallowing in bed with depression (well, maybe just one) because there's too much to do to waste that much time in self pity. Time to get my panties out of a wad and not be too good to smile at people at random. We're all in the same damn boat now and the reality that I could be out of a job, home, food in just a matter of weeks just like millions that are there already gives me insight that most of us are vulnerable. We're all human. Were all conflicted, scared, shocked, moving through denial together and learning how life will never be the same after this.

I don't know. Its sad that it takes something as catastrophic as a pandemic to show me that I've been really copping out on life when it gets tough, dodging my problems, wasting my time on things that don't matter. Shit, I even forgave my mom AND found a way to enjoy her company. I've always been a little off my rocker, but now I can find some humor in it. I can embrace my weirdness a little more and truly have a "take me how I am or leave me" mentality in regard to being liked by people around me. I spend way too much time caring if people are talking about me, or think I'm a nut, or just whatever. So anyway, I hope I can hold onto those values I've learned in 3 short weeks. You can see how disasters like previous pandemics, war, recession, poverty have shaped people of different generations for decades and made them more appreciative and I'm confident that I won't take as much for granted after all this is over as long as we all (the people I love) make it out on the other side. If I can accomplish making sure that my kids have me to annoy them for years to come and not having to leave their side in such a scary time, I will consider myself blessed.

I needed to pat myself on the back, because learning those lessons in humility have not been easy <3 I've been thinking all these "things" but needed to see them in words. I hope this message reaches someone who needs it.

#covid #gratitude #therapy #journaling #pandemic #perspective

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choisgirls · 7 years

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(1/?) Okay but uhm, to the previous 2 anons, I haven't been friends with 4 for that long but...I do recognise she's going through some shitty stuff. And her sounding distant is an effect of that stuff, not you guys. She's mentioned this over and over again, "I love you" to all of her anons and friends alike. She's never said anything otherwise, and she apologizes when she thinks she's complaining (you don't need to btw) and even though reassurance is fine and dandy but I'm sure it's exhausting.

lonelywalkingpotato said:(2/?) And even now, she’s still talking and communicating instead of shutting down, like most of us would. And anon who thinks that leaving would make 4 happier, it wouldn’t. Who would be? No decent person at least. And 4 is more than a decent human being, I’m sure you’ve noticed. She’s warm, accommodating and lively, and even when she doesn’t /feel/ like it she always tries to appear as such. And to be frank, thinking that she’s slipping away from you is one-sided and dare I say, inconsiderate.

lonelywalkingpotato said:(3/?) I guess my point is that, 4 is dealing with some shit, and she’s expressed many, many times how much she appreciates us. I think the least we could do for her is to be a rock to rely on. Maybe I’m just a self-righteous ass, who the hell knows? Not me. But yeah, we all love you 4, no matter in what state you are, whether liquid, gas, or matter. Because you matter.

I appreciate this very much. Now I’m sorry for the depression rant that follows.

I do tell all of you how much I love you, all the time.

And I’ve tried for /months/ to be or at least /seem/ happy to everyone.

I don’t know if anyone remembered or cared, but I lost my aunt, who I was very close to, suddenly back in April. My Grandma lost her oldest daughter. My mother lost her only sister. My cousin lost her mother.

She was like a second mother and it took such a toll on me, but I had to be the strong one. My mother is /very/ strong, but even she broke.

Seeing her break made me decide that I needed to step up and be the strong one for everyone.

And that’s the persona I put on, for /months/.

Being the strong one, pretending I’m okay, listening and doing my fucking /hardest/ to help and make sure everyone felt loved. I tried to hide all of my very… very dark thoughts and I’ve tried so hard to just mask my pre-existing depression and it’s just so fucking hard. I’m awake for days at a time just wallowing in complete self-hatred and it’s tiring.

I’ve dealt with feeling like this for /years/. It’s gotten better but sometimes it hits like a train, you guys. It really does. And it’s even shittier to have anxiety thrown into the mix.

I’m at the point that it’s just… Exhausting. It’s exhausting to do. I turned off all emotions for a good while and kept the fake smile for everyone because I didn’t want to let my shitty emotions effect anyone. I didn’t want to be a burden, and I didn’t want to complain. But now, the wall I put up has gone through too much pressure, and it’s just crumbling down at once.

So no, I’m not “ignoring” anyone. I’m not /trying/ to push anyone away. It’s just… /hard/ for me to communicate. I try my hardest, I truly do. Sometimes, I just can’t.

I do truly love each and every one of you and I spend most of my days trying to write for you all while balancing 50 thousand other things. Honestly, just seeing someone like something of mine, seeing a message in my inbox, or seeing a DM lights up my day and makes me feel even a bit better and I’m so appreciative.

So I’m sorry, to those who think I’m distant. I’m sorry to those who think I’m annoying. I’m sorry to those who think I complain to much. I’m sorry I talk to much. I’m sorry I haven’t posted much writing even though I’m trying to write every day with no success due to the other things in life I have to do. I’m sorry for this rant. And I’m just sorry to everyone- I’m sorry. ~Admin 404

#and i know some of you are probably like 4 shut the fuck up we dont care but #whatever. just whatever.#im sorry.#and i see all of you in my inbox but i just... cant.. currently answer.#i hope you understand...#but heres this.#admin 404 #not a request #tw #tw: depression #tw: depression thoughts

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