#it was like losing part of herself

[rizaposting]

been thinking a lot about my royai kid ideas lately but i don't think a lot of people will like them because i don't name the kid after maes lol

#and also I focus more on riza's traumatic upbringing rather than only addressing roy being sad about maes #also it's 03royai usually #crystal convos #i have my own personal bias against the idea of their baby being named after maes #in part because i dont think the wound will ever be healed enough for roy to be able to not associate it w the pain of losing his friend #i also cannot explain just how much the idea of naming my own child directly after my dead sister makes me want to die so. pure projection #i think my problem with a lot of royai kid stuff is that riza has an explicitly traumatic childhood in her background and no one explores i #because they're so focused on roy struggling with feeling like he can never measure up to hughes--which is fine but WHAT ABOUT RIZA #One aspect abt Riza's trauma that I explore with my royai kid stuff is the theme of alchemist fathers and their children they abuse/neglect #Riza herself; Nina Tucker; the Elrics... And now she is having an alchemist's child

[eggtqrt]

the thing about the charming siblings is i want to make them tragic. you're perfect, I wish I was perfect. you're allowed to not be perfect. I resent you for being perfect. I hate you for being imperfect. I want to be a boy. I want to be a knight. I want to be you. I could be better than you. I wish your destiny was mine. I wish people loved me the way they love you. I wish she loved me the way she loves you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. I love you. I miss when we were friends. we never talk anymore. do you even care? you know nothing about me. you took my destiny. who am I? I'm supposed to be the responsible one. don't leave me. get away from me. when did you grow out of being a little kid? i miss home. the only place that feels like home is you. do you love her? do you love me? brother. sister. i was supposed to protect you. I'm sorry. I forgive you. nothing will ever be the same again.

it's about perfection and performance. it's about playing roles. everyone has their role to play. what if i want to be something else, something more. it's about femininity and masculinity. it's about not fitting in to either. is it about who you're supposed to be or who you want to be? I did it for you. I didn't ask for that. I'd burn the world for you. you never cared about me. I think of you always. there isn't room enough for all of us. i wish you'd never been born at all. I couldn't live without you.

#the thing about dexter and darling is they have a lot of parallels #they both thought their love interests (raven and apple) liked daring #they both wish they were like daring (though in different ways) #neither of them have a confirmed destiny #but at the same time dexter gets to be a prince and do the things she wants to do #and i think Dexter is sort of jealous of her because as another prince he gets compared to daring more #Dexter resents his siblings for being seemingly perfect and he also resents darling for how she doesnt even have to be perfect #bc she doesnt get compared to daring in his eyes #darling does feel the need to be perfect though and resents that she can't live the life she wants but her brothers get that life #daring TO ME has a superiority complex to cover up his flaws bc hes severely scared of being imperfect #but at the same time he wishes he was allowed to be imperfect bc the pressure is killing him #hes relied on false bravado for so long that he doesn't know who is without that especially when he loses his destiny #so he resents darling for her effortless confidence in who she is #i think they all used to be super close and daring felt like the one who needed to protect his siblings #but they grew apart as they got older and started to resent each other and he lost that protective instinct #but they all miss when they were closer #i think daring realizes he was “supposed” be the one protecting his siblings once darling starts protecting/saving him #to darling its too late for him to protect her bc she can protect herself and doesnt want to be protected #to dexter though i think a part of him wishes daring stood up for and protected him more #they all desperately need to be flawless but its killing them #and they all desperately want to be each other #and they all just want their siblings back #but they can't go back to when they were children #and they can't understand each other as they are now #but they love each other anyways #even as they resent each other #eah #ever after high #ignore that i wrote 50 million more things in the tags #i realize this may be out of character or whatever but idc

[psychofreakforc]

Tara is the type of person who tries to change for everybody. There are different versions of her depending on who she's with. Sometimes, she doesn't even know which version of her is the REAL her and which one is just an act. Even her love for horror movies started because she wanted to fit in. She wanted to be good enough for someone, good enough to make sure they'll stay this time. But there's only one person who knows the real her, and that is Sam, being the way she really is becomes so easy when her sister is with her.

#mindy and chad accept her like she is too of course #because they're good friends but Tara thinks that if she shows her true-self she might push them away #and that's what happened with sam and her father... she made them leave #so for years tara created this all new person that could be so much more enjoyable than the real tara. #but she didn't realise that she was slowly losing herself. #and only when sam came back tara realised that that part of her wasn't completely lost and that her sister was able to bring it back #tara carpenter #sam carpenter #carpenter sisters

[6-2-aestheticsofhate]

i have a lot of thoughts on minos in relation to pasiphae and the minotaur (both greek mythological and in ultrakill) but i dont really want to make a lot of posts abt it considering. the topic is generally hard to talk about.

#like i dont wanna go around claiming that the myth went 1:1 in ultrakills lore #because for example sisyphus was more based off a book rather than his mythology (thank god) #so minos might be only loosely based on his mythological counter part as well #but like. the fact that with the introduction of the minotaur enemy we KNOW the minotaur thing actually happened? jesus fuck #like we KNOW ultrakill minos thinks that the people of lust are only punished for loving eachother.... #while his real life mythological counterpart got mad at his wife for essentially being raped by proxy and she had to defend herself saying #why would she want that. she was cursed/forced to do that because minos didnt sacrifice that bull to poseidon #like i KNOW why that was never really brought up in ultrakill that would be. a weird topic to bring up in a funny robot shooter #and i dont think you could accurately handle the themes of rape through lore books you find in levels of the game #but theres just. something about minos willfully thinking his wife did that of her own accord and him refusing to think about how lust #carries more than people who had sex a lot in ultrakill. #again the myth MAY be different in ultrakill. maybe he never even accused his wife of that. maybe he was more understanding #but theres a non zero chance he did #he could be willfully ignorant and think his wife willingly cheated on him. he thinks everyone in lust is innocent/only had consensual sex #because the alternatives are too gross/immoral for him to think about #it might be because i sympathize a lot with greek mythology women but finding out that the thing with pasiphae happened in ultrakill #DID happen made me lose respect for minos. #... also towards a lot of the fandom for joking abt it. #rape tw

[aparticularbandit]

the idea of junko losing her memories of hope's peak academy and going out into the world she created and saying, this isn't what i wanted.

#musings #danganronpa #junko enoshima #bandit brainstorms #and you could take that either way #you could take that as it not being despair-inducing enough for her but i think #there's a very strong theme in dr0 (that i think is visible even in dr1) of death seeker junko #she wants the despair of death #she wants the despair of her plans being overcome #she wants to be beaten #so while yes the tragedy is a win scenario for her #it's plan b when plan a “get beaten because my plans were too ambitious and now i get the sweet despair of absolite failure and/or death” #doesn't succeed #sure great big tragedy cool #but like #/i wanted to fail/ #(but also the vibes of junko losing all those memories and having to find out what happened to matsuda #is also a vibe #the question of whether or not the part of her that was ryoko would then succumb #or just get so fed up with herself that it prompts /something else/ is also a vibe) #idk i have thoughts on this

[madame-mongoose]

When when- me when the dinos have a sad ending

AJHKSDGAKJD ITS NOT SAD ITS BITTERSWEET!!!! okay it is a little sad but STILL

#a lot of my stories have sad/bittersweet endings #its just how i am #its like #yk when you lose someone you lose a piece of yourself #but you move on #thats the end of the story basically #she will always have that part of herself hollow #its what isolates her from everyone else #but she still lives on and he lives through her #yk? #nah if i wanted to be real fucked up the last shot would be flower #looking at a star so bright and so big it almost looks like the moon #hehe get it :) #monnie answers

[dreamaboutwhathappens]

absolutely sick at the parallels between red and you’re losing me. red is all about what it’s like to lose the other person (“losing him was blue like i’d never known, missing him was dark grey all alone, forgetting him was like tryna know somebody you’ve never met…”) but you’re losing me is all about the feeling of being lost BY SOMEONE ELSE. red is watching someone else slide away, you’re losing me is sliding away.

makes me soooo afraid that tortured poets is going to be about where both of these feelings meet: how terrible it was to lose you while knowing it also meant losing myself

#YOU KNOW?????? #they’re both about loss but in both songs she’s the one experiencing it. she’s losing him and herself!!!!!!!!! #that relationship was a part of her!!! losing him was BLUE LIKE ID NEVER KNOWN. #like!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! does that remind you of anyone!! #akkdkskdkekd #parallels #random thoughts with grace #ttpd

[quietwingsinthesky]

one of my favorite things about doctor who is that, by necessity from the ever-rotating cast of companions and the doctor’s own changing face, you could never possibly argue that there’s one single pairing for the doctor to get with that would be the True One For Them. they’ve lived too long, loved too much, for it to ever be just one person.

#for one: it’s poly central up in here. but beyond that: it’s just written into who they are as a character. the doctor loves and loses and #loves again. #and its hardly a thing reserved to him. a big part of jack’s whole deal is that he does fall in love so easily and so often and he remembers #got little tidbits of all his ex-boyfriends stored away in memory and yet. that long and growing line of lovers never once is presented as a #reason that him and ianto aren’t special. of course they are. they all are. #doctor who is not a show that can say ‘you will find your one true love and that’s it forever.’ it doesn’t work like that. #the closest you get! is amy and rory! and their relationship is also defined by both of their trust and love for the doctor. he’s the third #part of them! their relationships don’t lessen each other but make each one stronger! #if that makes sense. #‘who is the doctor’s true love: rose - river - that girl from thirteen. yaz? i think? - the master lol - a classic who companion i don’t #even know about - the tardis herself - ….k9? - etc.?’ WRONG. INCORRECT ASSUMPTION IN YOUR QUESTION. #its all of them forever. #doctor who

[polysyndetonaddictsupportgroup]

did the zenin every try to convince megumi to stay with them by not beating the hell out of him? like were they ever nice or kind? other than maki and mai and the few times together, does megumi have any positive memories of anyone in the zenin?

idk just seems a bit counterintuitive to continuously isolate and destroy your relationship with the biggest thing since sliced bread by never showing him an ounce of kindness or sympathy even when he’s a kid.

So yes and no.

In their minds, they absolutely did, but Megumi would say they didn’t. The key issue is that they never tried to appeal to Megumi for who he actually was, but who they wanted him to be. They were trying to be nice to someone who wasn’t real to begin with.

Megumi got special treatment from the rest of the clan. He had the nicest clothes. He had personal trainers. He had the direct attention of the head of the clan. He had a private bathhouse and servants to attend him in it. He had a private room in the home of the clan head, who had the nicest home in the entire compound. All his meals were prepared for him and brought to serve him directly.

In the eyes of the clan, they were spoiling him. Everyone else was fighting for scraps. They all trained, but it was in crowded, sweaty rooms where they didn’t get attention unless they were already exceptional. The Zenin clan is very old fashioned, so they don’t really have private baths in homes. They were all bathing in communal bathhouses where you had to wait for your turn and half the time you got there and realised that you were out of soap.

Beating him was never a big deal, in the Zenin’s mind. They all got beat. It was a part of training. You learn to think through pain and react in a fight if you’re experiencing real pain, which is the exact reasoning Maki brings to hitting Yuuta during training. If they made the Ten Shadows exempt from that, they’d be weakening the person who was supposed to be their strongest by coddling him.

So the Zenin would say Megumi was already being spoiled by the clan, and any attempt to stop his training in handling pain was just another attempt at sabotaging his development.

The thing is that Megumi didn’t want any of the things that they were “spoiling” him with.

He hated the clothes they had made for him. He wanted to wear his own clothes. He couldn’t even pick what to wear. It was another way he lost control. Yeah, they gave him his own room in the nicest house, but he was getting locked into it, and he was only in there when they had finished training him to the point of collapse. The bathhouse was a traumatizing experience for him. He was stripped down and forcibly bathed by strangers. It wasn’t a luxury to him; it was a violation. He would have taken the communal bathhouse any day. He had no say in what he ate, and his meals were brought to him because it allowed the Zenin to pack his schedule even tighter, because he didn’t even get real meal breaks. He just paused to eat and then immediately picked up with whatever they were teaching him. But they never registered any of this as driving him away, because they were too deluded by who they wanted him to be rather than who he actually was. The Ten Shadows in their mind would not only not be upset by this, but he would appreciate it. Megumi was meant to be honoured by the clothes and the room and the private bathhouse. And he would be, as soon as they broke him of Gojo’s control. Any time he expressed upset was just another show of what Gojo had done to him. He needed to be freed from it, so they never actually heeded him begging them to stop.

It’s also important to note that most of the Zenin didn’t know how bad the beatings were.

Again, all of them got beat. The clan head got beat when he was a kid. It’s expected for them. But none of them got beat as badly as Megumi, except for maybe his father when he was Megumi’s age.

Because a lot of the beatings weren’t coming at the hands of someone who wanted him to love the clan. They were coming from Naoya. Who hated him.

Naoya wants him to hate the clan. Fuck, he wants him dead. Megumi is everything he was supposed to be, and he wants him gone. He wants to hurt him.

Naoya got more access to Megumi than anyone else in the clan when Megumi was a kid. He was one of their most gifted fighters and high up in the clan, but not so high up that he was busy with actually running it, so he was tapped in as his trainer. He went farther in hurting megumi than anyone else in the clan thought or expected he was. He was just supposed to hit him when he taught him how to fight, to train him how to take pain, and as a disciplinary measure to break him of Gojo’s influence. But even then, discipline in the Zenin compound usually stops at a few slaps. Like, they still all are abusing their children, don’t get me wrong, but the extent of the abuse that all of them face was no where close to the abuse that megumi was under.

Naoya wasn’t beating Megumi to train him. He was beating him to hurt him. He wanted Megumi to suffer as much as possible. He wanted to make him feel pain.

The rest of the clan never heard Gojo’s claims that he had taken Megumi away because they were beating him, but they wouldn’t have believed them if they did. Megumi was supposed to be their strongest, so if they could take training, he could take training. He was getting every luxury and benefit that they weren’t getting. The whole clan thought he was being treated like a little prince. Of course he didn’t need to be protected from them. They all have the mindset of “my parents hit me when I fucked up, and I turned out fine.”

If Megumi hadn’t had cursed energy, Naoya would have killed him with how badly he was beating him within a month. Even with cursed energy, he almost killed him.

It’s not the expected norm to beat clan members within an inch of their life, unless they’re failures like Megumi’s dad who they actually want to kill. That would be counterintuitive. They need their members in peak physical condition to be fighters. No one there would believe that’s what Naoya was doing if they knew.

The worst of the abuse came from someone who actually hated megumi and wanted to hurt him. But none of the “positive” things they said they spoiled Megumi with actually had any kind of positive impact on Megumi, because they refused to accept him as he was. They were trying to spoil the fantasy they had of him. But the actual child had lost all control of his life, was terrified of them, and was traumatised every time he set foot on the compound.

#sea glass gardens #even their acts of love hurt him #and it’s because they refused to let him keep the parts of himself he didn’t want to lose #if they had let him wear his own clothes and bathe himself then so much of the trauma just wouldn’t have happened #he would have liked them more #but they wanted him to look like the fantasy so they refused #the only time that Naobito directly condoned megumi being beaten past the expectation was when Megumi humiliated him by refusing to let him #kill Shiro. he was trying to break megumis sentimentality towards his Shikigami that he perceived as a dangerous weakness #Naoya went farther than anyone thought he’d go then #but he had also been pushing it every time he was alone with megumi #Naoya hated him. everyone else just loved a fantasy. #they also never thought that they HAD to convince megumi to stay with them #he belonged to them. they were entitled to him. #it’s really important to note that the zenin clan is an echo chamber #what they think of as pampering their children is still abuse #like with calling Megumi the Ten Shadows #maki herself didn’t think it was a bad thing #they think it’s a sign of honor and respect #but it was just dehumanizing when it happened to megumi #he couldn’t even have his NAME #he didn’t want to be called the ten shadows. he wanted to be called megumi. no one would ever call him Megumi. he begged them to and they #just wouldn’t because the ten shadows in their mind accepted the title as an honorific. #it’s been a decade and Tsumiki still gets violently upset on megumis behalf if people call him the ten shadows. #he was fucking traumatised by it

[rosykims]

like out of all the many, many traumas ive given elspeth my favorite has gotta be the deep roads lol. and specifically the way she never really got OUT of them. yeah so maybe her body did but not HER. shes still down there with ruck and helspith every time she closes her eyes. and during future expeditions when she goes down into the deep roads for real, it doesnt feel like some horrible nightmare it feels like REALITY and its the surface and love and warmth and alistair thats nothing more than a pleasant dream. one shes always going to wake up from. bc even in her happiest moments she's never not aware of the darkspawn digging up towards her just a few miles under her feet. and never not feeling the eyes of the deep roads looking at her, gleefully waiting for her, and knowing its not going anywhere

#i love shale but for elspeth's worldstate i dont recruit her bc im so obsessed w the dynamic of it being elspeth/alistair/oghren/the dog lol #oc: elspeth #tay plays dao #she got SEVERE shell shock being down there in the dead trenches after the realization that came from helspith's poem #why shes never seen any female darkspawn and why there apparently arent as many female wardens either #and like. Understanding that death is the absolute best case scenario for her. #alistair had to 100000% step up as the leader because she was completely out of commission. barely able to breathe let alone fight or lead #going from this unstoppable warrior who NEVER loses her nerve or control on a battlefield #to nearly dying to the broodmother bc she was so fucking terrified. bc all she could see was her own fate mirrored back at her #finally FINALLY understanding what it means to be a grey warden. and then trying to reject that reality with her entire body and soul #she pulls herself out of it enough to get out alive but she never had a moment of like... triumph over the deep roads where she had a burst #of courage and saved the day or whatever. thats not usually how trauma works and so alistair carried them thru that #thru the broodmother and the anvil and branka and back to orzammar just as elspeth was beginning to put herself back together #afterwards the lack of closure to what was one of her ''weakest'' lowest moments rly weighed her down with guilt and shame #and its only a year later during awakening when she finally reconciles with having NO choice but to go back into the deep roads #and being able to kill the mother. THAT helped. that restored some small part of her #gave her the strength to start going back down there when the need arose. resigned to an early death but ready to put up a fight #but ye. still such a fundamentally devastating thing she went thru which altered her entire personality to the point where she starts fully #embracing being a warden (bc how can someone who's seen what shes seen and done what shes done be anything else???) #and INSISTING alistair take the throne despite having always been supportive of his desire not to. even if it means she loses him. #bc its a last ditch effort to save him from the fate she's completely surrendered herself to #sigh. this game man. #i need dadw to Confirm that the grey wardens have found a cure and alistair and hof are safe because jesus christ. my girl NEEDS a win

[raayllum]

We had something so special. But I became so obsessed with revenge, I risked losing the best thing I ever had. You. 

#rayllum #rayllumedit #arc 2 #s4 #4x03 #my edits #graphics #tag ramble #pining!rayla #this is part of why 'rayla shows up and acts like everything is fine' rubs me the wrong way bc #don't get me wrong she doesn't completely get how much she hurt him (or why bc that would mean valuing herself) #she still knows she Almost Lost Him!! That she's risked losing him #but talking about her emotions made him walk away from her so she's not going to try that again #and he doesn't want to talk about his own #so what else is she supposed to do?? lmao

[n1ghtwarden]

what i find interesting is how minth 'regrets' or carries guilt for her hand and body being used (against her will) under the absolute. she says "i remember every face and life" or something to that extent. it is important to her that we, the player, know this. she thinks about them. they weigh on her. it's not regret in any traditional sense. minth herself says she has violent intentions - and how she was raised to respond with violence has shaped her interactions with others and the world around her. when she is violence, there is, in minth's mind, always a cause to justify it - she has been hurt, she is making a statement - or in the case of raiding (because girl has razed towns while raiding) for supplies, territory, defense et cetera. it's the regret of senseless violence, it's the regret of killing without any sort of justification for it in minth's mind other than sick bloodlust and impulse - it's the regret of losing control of her body and mind, literally, and being unable to stop it or gain control again until intervention from the prism. minth responds to hurts and slights with violence ( and she enjoys doing so )- but she wants these things to be justified, because she cannot get the satisfaction from striking without that justification. she'll never strike without what she considers to be just cause or provocation; doubly so if it falls in line with the tenants of her oath.

#tw: violence #awful. just an awful woman ( i love her ) #HEADCANONS. grant silence upon those who would betray it. #she makes it plain to us she never harms without intent MULTIPLE and honestly as much as it is part of her trying to regain her agency or #show her agency - she also wants to mentally separate herself from orin (aka The Worst Forced Found Family Ever). #it's important to minth that both we (player) and herself knows that she is NOT like orin and escaped that fate despite seeing herself in #orin. ANYWAY. #girl sleeps peacefully knowing she's killed hundreds and hundreds but draws the line at what she knows is senseless slaughter. #like. she is NOT losing sleep or feeling guilty abt the other shit. the absolute shit tho. THAT'S HAUNTING HER. only because she's seen #the horror she is truly capable of under that influence. anyway. ANYWAY.

[dashedwithromance]

THE KINDEST THING —

Drawn forwards by guilty conscience, she leaned over his prone form and gently unclasped his helmet. Pulled away carefully, only to drop the thing against the ground and stagger away when she saw his face and that familiar, trailing scar.

“Cody?” She breathed, horror staining her voice.

—

Five years on from the death of everything, Ahsoka and Cody run into each other. They talk.

#commander cody #ahsoka tano #star wars #star wars fic #star wars the clone wars #ft. the most harrowing conversations two siblings can have #i have so much thoughts about them it’s insane. losing my mind fr #they have such a complex dynamic to ME #they share this imbalance with the rest of their that someone like rex even as a captain doesn’t have #and post order 66 i think ahsoka and rex’s dynamics shifts a little. prior rex was very clearly the older sibling figure protective etc #he calls her kid and little’un and commander ahsoka #and his identity is very much defined by his dual duty to lead and to care for his men (and ahsoka) #yet post order 66 i think it flips a little. i think ahsoka takes it on herself to slide into the older sibling role and protective rex #by hiding certain truths from him #BUT. when cody’s back in the picture part of her switches back to her previous identity as the younger figure #but cody can see the change! which is why he asks her… what he does #literally connecting string on a corkboard rn #also hi the passion reference <3

[vvanessaives]

in whatever i have going on with my durge there's basically an extended family like we have iustitia that i consider as the older sibling, their twin sister prudentia, then there's the dragonborn durge, and then there's orin as the younger sibling and i imagine them all sitting at a table for lunch with blood or whatever rocks their boat with iustitia at the head of the table trying her best to ignore the knifes throwing from one side to the other and the insults like in some cartoonish type of fashion until they lose their temper and go (slams fist on the table) enough! orin you are indeed a freak, dragon brother you are a necrophile so jot that down, prudentia stop trying to eat my butler and everyone just shut the fuck up for a moment i'm trying to think of the ways i can fuck an elder brain

#rena.txt #sorry this is so weird of me i never talk of durge on here i'm on a streak today #i like all the potential of the fucked upfamily dynamics and that's all it's literally awakening some interest for my durge in me finally #at this point i should come up with a name for the dragondurge since i'm adopting him in my canon #also titi is very fond of prudentia and actually relies a lot on dragonbrother and considers him her right hand while she has a pretty much #disinterest for orin (they say they don't Get her while they also never tried to actually understand her) and there's a slightly veiled #despise there that titi herself doesn't control and leads to orin despising them back. i think she sees them as some kind of figure to #look up to but in a complicated way so the fact they love each of their siblings BUT her makes orin lose it very badly. like isn't she #worthy of the love like everyone else? which also plays a big part on the later tadpolization of titi like are u proud of me yet my kin? <3 #+ her killing both prudentia and dragonbrother so maybe NOW iustitia will have a free spot for orin in their heart..for her and her only #okay i'm done i need to be normal rn #oc: iustitia #oc: prudentia #this goes into their tags so i don't forgor..

[hecksupremechips]

The best feeling in the world is when there’s a piece of media you know you love and you’ve hyped it up as your favorite thing for so long but you haven’t revisited it in a while so you start to worry if it’s really as good as you make it out to be and so you go back and revisit it and it’s like. Oh this is even better than I remembered this shit rules

#the klock keeps ticking #i always get this feeling when i play 999 but tonight i got it with the letter #cuz ive uh finally decided to bite the bullet and play the evil meanie route where everyone dies 😟 #a route ive put off for so long cuz its just too damn sad to think about akjdksk god it hurts #and ive played like for the most part every route of this game EXCEPT this one but i know the ending is really dark and i need to see it #plus i will at least get my beloved torture scene in so thats nice #i didnt kill off isabella though its a coma route which i hope still allows me to get the ending i want cuz i mean shell still be out of #commission in the final scene so hopefully it works out #but yeah no i started off tonight on the marianne chapter and while i did skip around through it cuz ive played it many times and i just #wanna get to the important stuff already alskj i also just replayed some of the best parts #aka the shit where lorraine appears and the gay shit alksks and god like hnnnghh not only does this chapter still ruin me emotionally #i also just remembered why i love this character so much and remembered just how good the character writing in this game is #and i also played into the rebecca chapter and didnt skip as much cuz i actually am not as familiar with the coma route #cuz it makes me sad and i never revisited it lol and i havent gotten to The Scene that makes me sob yet #its so coming though dont worry but idk i guess its just been cuz ive been thinking about p3 so much lately #and in particular shinji both the death route and coma route but in particular the coma cuz thats what im writing #and damn lol the letter just writes the grief and nuanced relationships and death stuff so much better lol god #like marianne loses her childhood best friend whom she has a gay ass relationship with to suicide and like its just better #she blames herself and still isnt even kinda okay with it after 13 years #like it just fucking ruined her and the only thing keeping her from losing it is her repression and drinking problem and unattached sex #and then with coma route well fucking first off isabellas friends actually like. visit her frequently damn #and they just all have such unique ways of coping like Zach is being optimistic so no one gets too upset #rebecca is sorta in charge of making sure everything goes smoothly she has to contact the family and make big decisions #and shes also just taking the most stress and shes got so many complicated feelings around isabella going on but she genuinely cannot stand #that isabella is hurt shes fucking destroyed she loves isabella and then ashton AAAAA god yeah i also just remembered that hes SUCH a good #character hes like being a genuine asshole right like Rebecca calls to tell him that isabella is comatose now and he literally doesnt let #her say anything he literally says ‘i dont have time for other things rn’ like the wellness of his friend is just ‘other things’ #but you just know thats not it not at all hes burying himself in work to the point of destruction so he can figure out who did this and make #everything okay and he refuses to show even an ounce of vulnerability cuz THE SECOND HE DOES IT ALL COMES OUT AND HE CANT GET OUT OF BED #ANYMORE CUZ HOW IS HE SUPPOSED TO BE OKAY WHEN THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE IS DYING

[blue-mood-blue]

I've been thinking a lot about what might happen next, with Jet. Specifically, I've been thinking about the execution and the what and why of Sasha's plans - plans that, I assume, have been in place since she started rising through the ranks in earnest. Because she absolutely has a plan.

The obvious assumption, and the assumption that Juno, Buddy, and Vespa are all making, is that the execution of the Unnatural Disaster is going to end with Jet Siquliak's death. And it could! That could be the extent of what Sasha is doing by capturing him and holding him: push drugs into his system to coax the Unnatural Disaster out so he's a prime example of the worst of what space criminal activity has to offer, put him in front of the cameras, and show the world Dark Matters' commitment to a swift and certain end that other law enforcement failed to provide. Unfortunately, as he is now, Jet is a good candidate - loud, brash, unrepentant, or so he would seem to a public who knows him better for the grandiose stories of who he was than who he's become. He's remembered specifically for the hurt he's caused, and right now he's leaning into the "monster" in him - exactly what Sasha would want for her demonstration. Dark Matters already has a reputation. Sasha could mean an end to crime in the sense that the shadow organization is no longer in the shadows, an intimidation tactic that she can follow through on.

I could be making more of it than it is, but that feels too simple. Buddy talked to Juno about his ability to empathize, to understand - according to her, that's where his skill as a detective comes from. So if Juno still doesn't fully understand what Sasha is going for, and his assumption based on the information he has now is execution = death, maybe there's more to it than what it looks like. Maybe execution isn't death, but Sasha's own version of rehabilitation.

After all, she picked Palomine Aurinko's prison for this demonstration. He was known for shaping people into what he wanted them to be - he was also known for experiments that fell outside of what Dark Matters asked of him, and while previous Dark Matters directors weren't interested in those results there's nothing to say that his research wasn't kept by the organization, somewhere. Prisoners are kept in separate locations, two entirely different prison systems with completely different methods and presumably different end goals. Something I've found telling from the beginning, too, is that the "Unnatural Disaster" was going to be executed - not "Jet Siquliak" - even though that name is tied to the same reputation.

What if the truth is this: Sasha isn't looking for a way to kill all criminals. She can and will if she must, but that's not a long term solution to crime in the way Sasha is apparently looking for. What if, instead, she had the technology to alter the mind? Excise the problem area, remove the pieces that cause people to make bad choices - addiction, risk-taking, anger, fear? What if she replaces the parts that are hard to predict and even harder to control with something more… understandable? Logical? Is it worth the sacrifice of the extraneous, the roller coaster of highs and lows of a person's life, to put humanity on an even, stable baseline? Sasha might think so. "Sasha" might have done so already, proof of concept (and she did mention, more than once on the Carte Blanche, the sacrifices she'd made personally towards her goals), and now she's ready to remove everything dangerous and unpredictable from Jet Siquliak - everything that's the Unnatural Disaster.

Like the Theia, in concept, but more.

Maybe, if Juno had cooperated - if Juno had been who she'd predicted him to be - she would have offered him the chance first. Maybe she would have been confident that she'd know exactly what to take from him, to help him - to save him.

I don't think what's about to happen to Jet is what anyone's expecting, and I don't know what the end result will be if Sasha manages to go through with it. No matter what Jet thinks about the monster in him, that part of him is him and I can't imagine losing that part of him wouldn't meant losing everything.

#the penumbra podcast #tpp #tpp spoilers #jet siquliak #juno steel #sasha wire #so am i suggesting that maybe Sasha will give him some sort of technological lobotomy instead of outright killing him? #...perhaps #i just think there's MORE to it than what we know now #and i think Sasha tried it on herself first #especially with that whole conversation Juno and Buddy had... #there's something here that Juno is uniquely qualified to figure out but he's gotta understand what's going on with Sasha first #and also just #i do not think it would benefit Jet to LOSE the unnatural disaster wholesale #obviously that's not the person Jet wants to BE but... #Juno had a point about that still being *Jet* #and just getting rid of a part of himself? that could be enormous damage #because you can't just split a person in two between the self they want to be and the self they want to leave behind #it all... feeds into each other in a big mess of PERSON that I think would be too complicated to unweave and destroy like that #I DON'T KNOW I JUST HAVE THOUGHTS #these are probably not the last thoughts i'll have on all of this either