#it genuinely fucking sucks but i can't say anything to her because she can't cope with being wrong about anything. even jeopardy answers

[beachboysnatural]

.

#the thing is my mom carries so much pain inside her and i love her so much and she is wonderful #but at the same time there are things that i genuinely don't know if i can forgive. but she acts like there isn't anything #TO forgive which makes it worse #and whenever i bring anything up she doesn't change her behavior because she cannot recognize it when she's wrong about something #but she actually invalidates me a lot and i don't appreciate it and i KNOW i'm annoying about my special interests #but it really sucks that she makes it so obvious #like can't she pretend to be interested in what i want to tell her?? for once?? #you'd think fifteen-plus years of her pretending i was perfectly okay would merit some infodumping on my part #it's just that she's never apologized for not doing anything to help me she's just made excuses and said 'well sorry but' #and that's not enough but at this point i'm not going to GET a genuine apology out of her #or out of my dad he isn't exempt from this! #like i'm scared to ask my dad if he's seen a movie i think he'd be interested in because i don't want to set her off #or deal with her disapproval. and she just doesn't care about my special interests at all #which i get but sometimes i feel like she doesn't really care that they make me happy either #like pretending that i'm not autistic now that i have shit figured out doesn't make it go away #it genuinely fucking sucks but i can't say anything to her because she can't cope with being wrong about anything. even jeopardy answers #this is why it means so much to me that you guys like when i infodump about old hollywood because no one else does #except my sister obvi but she does not live with me so #<333333 #persannal

[utilitycaster]

I've gotten a couple replies of "and that's terrifying" on this post about the more stable members of Bells Hells, and, to be honest, hate that, so let's talk about it.

There's a couple reasons. The first that I still don't know who the fuck thought the Issylra half of the party split would be Team Levelheaded and not Team Abandonment Issues, because, well, it's the latter. The second is that there's been a near constant undercurrent from quite early in the campaign of "oh Orym...he's going to break...he's a powder keg" and while he's decidedly not a powder keg, we did get him finally breaking a bit, and suddenly everyone's like "HORRIFYING that the guy I kept claiming was uniquely angsty is now having a harder time with the party split than the other characters whose equally tragic backstories I've consistently ignored, diminished, and dismissed."

All three of the Bells Hells characters in Team Issylra have issues related to loneliness and being left behind, which is a common thread through the party, but notably, Fearne, FCG, and Chetney being more stable should not be surprising nor scary. Resilience isn't tied to whether or not you're somewhat chaotic, or have mechanically-induced loss of control, and that's what we're talking about here. The reason why Team Issylra is having a rough time of it - and specifically why Laudna and Orym are falling apart whereas Ashton is doing comparatively well - is because they've been constantly pretending things are okay. Chetney, meanwhile, genuinely does think the worst thing that happened to him fucking rules, and has the age and perspective and sheer survival instincts to pull through; FCG has, within the story, had to face some horrifying realizations about himself and so has some tools for this kind of situation; and Fearne is to be honest still learning that consequences are a thing that happens, but she has dealt with a few profound disappointments and is sitting with them - she openly admitted she's not terribly impressed by her parents.

On the other hand, I think Orym has worked through the earlier stages of grief, to be sure, but he's put a brave face on over it and tried to look at the bright side. Which isn't the worst idea, but it means when the things he's built that idea of a bright side upon - Keyleth's infallibility, his relationships within the Crown Keepers - are nowhere to be found, he doesn't have anything to take hold of. He adjusted to one devastating change by clinging to the constants, and now that many of the constants are gone too, he has no mechanism to process the change in their absence.

And this is Laudna's whole deal, right? I do in fact agree that her initial death was still the worst thing that's happened to her so far, but that doesn't mean she can't still be incredibly upset by major events. It's comforting to know you've survived worse, but it doesn't necessarily help you actually get through a slightly less terrible (but still pretty terrible) situation. She says she can't stop compartmentalizing or she'll cry - but like, she'd probably feel better if she'd just spent the second watch crying. Like Orym, Laudna's developed this idea that she can will things into being okay, and in the end, she can't. Leaning into the "Today SUCKS" attitude would, honestly, help her, and I'm hoping she does so.

Ashton meanwhile doesn't have healthy coping mechanisms, but they do have coping mechanisms that work in this situation (namely, drinking and hitting things). He also, more importantly, has no investment in pretending things are okay. Ashton thinks the world is full of utter bullshit that will fuck you over, and the point is to get through it, and sure, it's a very cynical mindset, but there's a reason why toxic positivity is, well, toxic.

As a sidebar, I also think that Ashton has, fascinatingly and despite their drunken talk with Laudna on the skyship, put their abandonment issues into perspective. Ashton is able to handle the current situation because, logically, they were teleported to a random location beyond their control and with no capacity to contact other people, so it's reasonable to assume the other half of the party is in the same position. No one abandoned anyone. To quote Ashton themself, actually, from episode 25, "Sometimes shit's just fucked up, and the only thing you can do because you didn't do anything fucking wrong, is get the fuck back up and do the exact same thing all over again knowing that there was nothing to learn." On the other hand, the fact that Milo saved Ashton makes that particular situation worse. If Ashton had been left to die in the street and a random uninvolved stranger picked him up? Then you can at least imagine the Nobodies had to leave, or couldn't pick them up for whatever reason, or even perished themselves. The fact that Milo was able to make this choice means the Nobodies also had the ability to make a choice, and the choice was to leave them behind, and that's what stings, and that's the unique loneliness, and that's why this situation isn't comparable.

So anyway, in summary, it's unsurprising the two people who have handled grief and tragedy by trying to quietly (in Orym's case) and not-so-quietly (in Laudna's) smooth it over are finding themselves completely unable to do so and barely holding together, whereas the people who allow themselves to be upset or, frankly, just go apeshit, are doing much better.

#critical role #critical role spoilers #bells hells #Ashton (and Deni$e) are honestly reminding me of the Yasha pit fight in C2 rn #like was that a healthy coping mechanism no but Yasha honestly did feel much better after it and her recovery trajectory went up from there #and ashton has the other dimension of like. he has chronic pain. it's unfair and serves no purpose. shit happens. #it's very they should invent a way out that isn't through but unfortunately they didn't so fuck it i'm smashing the wall #i mean barbarian rage as catharsis isn't a new idea by any stretch but. the thing about a reckless attack is it feels good as hell

[lakesbian]

i think cherie has a weird psychological fixation on alec. btw. for reasons such as

cheries Deal is about being powerful and scary and manipulative so she can be the one who hurts others instead of the one who gets hurt due to shes fundamentally alienated from connection w/ herself and others and has no other way to cope with existing without feeling like dirt

also her powers are abt being stuck in this miserable cramped home w a bunch of other miserable violent people and having to learn how to emotionally read everyone so she can cater to the abuser to keep herself safe + understand how to manipulate the other victims (to make life easier for herself, to hurt them to satiate her abuser & feel like she's regained some control, etc)

alec was one of the siblings slightly closer 2 her in age + one of the siblings she tormented, someone she knew exceedingly well as a result of her power. theres a connection there. its a bad connection but theres a connection. forced him to do horrible shit alongside heartbreaker + WoG implies she contributed 2 the sexual abuse by fostering the hypersexual behavior. basically i bet she thinks she has him read for filth

he was a sad little sopping wet crybaby 4 most of the time she knew him absolutely the type that would make younger cherie be like "tch...hes not cut out for anything." and tell him to stop being a whiny baby (<- she thinks this counts as helpful life advice). i think she would tell him this even if he wasn't actually crying. like he would go ":(" in his head and she would be like Stop being a whiny baby. just unprompted. also on the one occasion she tried to cheer him up she did so by letting him watch liveleak videos of people exploding on her phone.

anyway my point is. sad sopping wet crybaby jean-paul grows up, toughens up, runs away successfully (first heartbroken to do so), and THEN becomes a threat of stabilizing his own power 2 the point where he could eventually become more successful/well-known than her while the cult back home is slowly dwindling in power. what if the sopping wet crybaby younger sibling you tortured as a coping mechanism was at risk of getting cooler than you would that be fucked up or what.

furthermore i think cherie is like. conscious about the fact that she sucks and the heartbroken home sucks and thinks she's being Honest about it + brave in the face of the inherent misery that the world wreaks upon her for sucking. and she also thinks that alec is, like, not just lying and obscuring the fact that he sucks from the undersiders, but successfully being treated like he Doesn't suck as a result. which pisses her off and is, aside from thinking it's funny when he's miserable, why she tries to ~reveal the truth~ about him 2 the undersiders over the phone. this is funny because alec also thinks he's being honest about the fact that he sucks and in fact considers it one of his strong points.

but anyway yeah i think shes fixated with being able to like. drag him back down to what she perceives as their shared level + reestablish control over him bc him being free and successful while genuinely improving himself as a person puts fundamental cracks in her worldview.

all of which is to say in the beautiful hypothetical world where she gets drudged up from the ocean and riley and amy awkwardly put her back together she finds out alec died doing smth good 4 aisha and she doesn't fucking like it. because he's beyond her reach in two ways forever now. first of all he's dead. second of all he died doing something uncomplicatedly caring and self-sacrificing for a friend which means the undersiders permanently remember him as a fucked up kid they knew back when they were all fucked up kids who ultimately Tried and went out being the best person he could be. which means she can't drag him back down to her level and reassert her worldview by making him miserable Or by changing ppls opinions of him. even insinuates that what She thought about him might have been wrong. and aisha laborn, the person he died for, who is now taking care of all of the heartbroken, who still remembers alec deeply fondly, is naturally where her Weird Psychological Fixation transfers next. also worth noting that THE FUCKING WORLD ENDED while she was down there and the s9 is Over so cherie is just. utterly irrelevant everybody forgor about her. she doesn't even get to feed off ppls hatred, no "negative attention is still attention" for her, she just gets drudged up and is expected 2 move on with her life. which is to say she immediately clings onto the one remnant of the world she knew, the one place where she can still claw for relevancy w/ ppl who would know her, and starts emailing aisha "can't make a banaisha split without a cherie on top" 200 times in a single evening. and aisha doesnt care at all cherie is going fucking nuts over this whole thing and aisha is just over there mentally writing this weeks grocery list in her head

#worm spoilers #scarf don't look #parahumans #myv ision. #edited for timeline correctness due to peer review

[elkkiel]

fuck it I know I said yesterday I'm gonna hold on and wait but I just need to get some thoughts out of my head.

Content covered: love and empathy to Caiti, why he's taking so long to get his statement out, and frustrations with balancing personal mental health vs understanding that this isn't about *you*

1) Love to Caiti

I can't even imagine what she's going through right now. Regardless of if George had innocent or malicious intentions, it's obvious that this situation was incredibly traumatic for her. And I'm so glad that she has friends that are publicly willing to support her. I talked about it when Shelby spoke up so I won't bring it up again, but I get what she's going through and how much it fucking sucks. Hopefully, no matter the outcome, she can find peace and healing moving forward.

----------

2) Why he's taking so long

*I'll make statements empathizing with how difficult the self-defence process must be, but it in no way condones or excuses his potential behaviours or actions involved in this situation. He is a grown man and can deal with the consequences as such

The rush to get a statement and potentially closure to move on is understandable but still super stressful all the same. Given the severity of how this will impact his entire life moving forward, I wouldn't be surprised if he's seeking legal counsel or other advice before proceeding with a statement. Additionally, this is likely a situation where there may be little to no evidence that proves he didn't do anything, so whatever he presents has to be circumstantially rock solid with little room for doubt.

This isn't twitter drama where you can link a few screenshots and a twitlonger, or hop on stream quick to spout out your perspective. He stands to lose absolutely everything in his life today and it all depends on what he has to say and how he manages to say it. I know if I was in a situation like that (in the case that he legitimately believes he hasn't intentionally done anything wrong) I would be preparing in every way possible, short of a lawyer speaking for me, to clear my name to the best of my ability.

It makes sense that he's taking so long. He's probably not trying to ignore it and move on, but the lack of clarity on timelines certainly doesn't help him either. I wish he'll say something now too, but there's nothing wrong with taking longer than anticipated to detail out (probably with some fairly intimate detail that may be uncomfortable for anyone to share at such a scale) the most important stream of his life.

----------

3) Autism and grieving a special interest

There are (or were) a lot of neurodivergent people in this community. Like, a LOT. Some of us are able to drop hyperfixations or special interests and move on to something new with relative ease. Others struggle a hell of a lot more. You're not a bad person if you mourn the loss of a special interest in your life, it's just important that you keep the right perspective about it.

It's not as strong now as it was years ago, but the dream team have been a special interest for me since like July 2020. Emotionally, it honest to goodness feels like a loved one has died and I'm having a really hard time coping with it. Fuck, like I called in sick to work today because I the mental toll is so extreme I'm feeling physically ill.

Things will be okay and I'm so grateful to have Sleep Token right now, otherwise I don't know if I would be in a very safe place at the moment. It's really fucking hard and your pain is valid, despite what neurotypicals or neurodivergents with different experiences may say. The important thing to keep in mind is that your pain does not outweigh the pain of those genuinely hurt in this situation (Caiti in this case)

----------

4) Moving forward

I guess it all hinges on what's to come later today. Regardless of the outcome, things will never be the same here and I would be very surprised if any of the dream team carry on with their careers in the same capacity. I'm glad that people seem to be self-blaming less this time compared to the drituation. It still hurts to see this once-vibrant community crumble in such a short period of time.

I don't know what I'll do from here but I don't think the last 4 years were a waste. The dream team was a huge source of happiness during some of the darkest times of my life, and I don't think those memories could ever be tainted.

----------

Much love to everyone, whether you're still hanging around or not. I hope everyone finds happiness wherever they end up and that the truth will prevail in the end

#tw: sa mention #fandom discourse #elkk.txt

[kideternity]

NORIKO

Laughs evilly

– Overall opinion of them: baby girl you are my angellllllllllllllllllllllllllllll. Blue hair pronouns haver bitch motherfucker (beloved). Of course you have paranoia and lightning powers. I love it when women suck and are mean as shit and defensive as their coping mechanism for extreme trauma!!!!

– Gender/sexuality headcanons: Admittedly for some reason I've never thought deeper abt this outside of like, just seeing Noriko as encompassing every sexuality and gender at once ever. Anyways nonbinary trans lesbian, perhaps. GNC lesbian. Something in that regards

– Favorite moment in canon: Unfortunately new xmen and 2000s new mutants are impossibly painful for me to think about so I don’t atm have any panels saved or even hardcore memorised but uhmmmm I thought it was super cute when she worked at that coffeeshop and seemed to like genuinely enjoy working there and would serve coffee to and hang out with her friends (:

– Favorite moment in a fanwork: Anything you (yes you gayle) have written about Noriko because i also don’t really like, hang out in the new x men tag or anything im ngl 😔 sorry i'm more of a “makes the content for myself” person so this question is a little lost on me

– Favorite line, in canon or otherwise: “You can't teach us anything else, professor. We already know how to die.”

– Characters I love seeing them interact with: ANY of the new x men those are literally her people. Her friends. Her compadres. Bitches who she has the most insane complicated messy relationship with. But also I really wish her relationship with Sooraya was done in a much much less evil way there was a lot of potential that could have been utilised between them. also kinda really wish we got like anything anything more to do regarding Noriko's family back in Japan but whatever. also she should hang out with Tommy and Max Electro. I am manifesting this into the universe for ME

– Last thing before sleeping headcanons: I think Noriko probably like takes 19 hours to fall asleep because I imagine being homeless would absolutely fuck up your sleep pattern so she probably takes like sleep meds or melatonin gummies or smth to help?

– Sleeping habits headcanons: Reiterating here I imagine Noriko has insane insomnia and overall sleep issues because once again, former homeless runaway. I think she also like HAS to make sure everything is locked if possible (with exceptions) before sleeping like doors windows etc

– First thing after waking up headcanons: idk normal person things to do. I will say I think noriko is one of those ppl who hates waking up so much and will always try to delay it if possible

– Favorite locations headcanon: HMMMMMMMMM… maybe that coffee shop she worked at? Or like some sort of casual place where she can just like, hang out with her friends. With how insanely turbulent Noriko's life is and how much she's had to move around admittedly I don’t know if she'd ever have the chance to become attached to like, anywhere. Idk.

#noriko ashida #new x men #new xmen #nxm #xkids #x men #marvel #dinu yells in the void #chek's post #(: thank you beloved friend #still open for these

[warningimmental]

You made your choice. It's not to be a mother so....... Congratulations you're free!!!. Your Wish came true.

Yes this is public so people can see.#TRUTH

***See below as im not repeating again and again.***

My side of life.

P.s

Yeah I'll be fine. I always am in the end.

( Heres what needs to be said and has been said so not to repeat myself. From in PMs )

Sad thing is she knows ill forgive her just like I forgave dad and EVERYONE and EVERYTHING else. I care so no one else has to. I'm the one who picked up the pieces of everything but was tormented daily. She wonders why I was the way I was it was due to parenting and fobbing me off to anyone who would take me.

Anne and Bob should of kept me. They couldn't have kids they could of had me though. (neighbours I adopted as grandparents no blood but love ) My father was a shit most of my life my mother was everyones mother bar mine. They kept me quite with gadgets and as long as I went to school fed and watered job done.

Favourite quote was "it's your fault" and dads was "your making me ill"

Christ for someone who knows everyone elses business she never saw what was happening to her own daughter.

29 years im done. Sick of being a leighton.

I said Stockholm syndrome I loved my captives just happened to be the people I called mum and dad....

I still love them both but what I was "known as normal" was not remotely normal.

Eg. I was appendicitis and born 8 months in mum had no clue and I was "hiding" behind her ribs. It's medically impossible.

Not to mention lived in New York every other year from age of 6 months till I was 13. Dad would take me over and over and over mum came ONCE for my 13th.

I have no memories of New York. It's kind of a huge thing and place to have been wiped out of a memory.

Now im clear-minded im having pseudoseizures because my subconscious doesn't want me to remember what happened.

What mother would let a new born or toddler a child that can't speak fly to the other side of the world to only be with men. My dad and my fucked up uncle who sends stuff to "favourite" niece

I've tried so hard to get better and it's not even my family who acknowledged it.

There's so much you don't know.

She used to have me go in the house before her in case dad had killed himself so id find him first from the ages of 7 onwards. When dad past I went behind the curtain first. So I kept the is see him first. On 29th April 2018

I was always on eggshells she would say people die of lack of breath so EVERY NIGHT id check on mum and dad every hour. She would hold her breath to screw with me. Then say im not dead go to bed.

The house was toxic. For once in my life im actually sane.

She is not who you think she is.

If I've lost my mind it's because my environment sucked. I'm finally out. Sober can think clear and don't harm because I don't have to deal with the toxicity that I dealt with ALL my life.

If I told you everything you wouldn't believe me. Which is fine know one does because but it's true.

Always ask why or what causes someone to go off the rails and self destruct. I never felt safe, I was always told I was a mistake and everything was my fault. As long as I kept the family secrets mum was happy.

Dad was toxic. Mum the same. She wants drama so I finally said enough.

When I say mum knows everything I mean she saw it all and NEVER had it stop or put me safe. I can finally talk now dad is gone. I could write every TRUTH down and write a book. People would wonder how the hell did this girl cope and live to tell. I lived because I care about everything and everyone else. But im done now.

I doubt you'd believe me if im honest. My inbox is full of people defending her and my dad. If only they knew. its been a long time coming but im finally speaking out.

I know people don't understand but I don't want to burden with it. If You like my mum and dad id rather I let you keep the illusion. I know it's out there now that's enough.

If you want to see my life keep reading otherwise STOP HERE.

I'm fine and im safe finally. I just needed more as a child than fear of what should of been my safe place a home.

I don't want us to be strangers to the people who read this and thin sarahs lost it.

I don't want to cause a riff, I just couldn't not say it finally. Mum says always go to counselling but I couldn't. I couldn't tell anyone the truth about dad or mum. Or the truth on why I had to have a very intrusive operation due to assault by 3 at Halloween party. Mum now knows that. Dad was arrested for hitting the wrong lad. Dad and mum would have gone down for murder if I spoke out.

On the other hand there was also my home life in general. I was made to stay quiet about having a revolving door of strangers. Huge boozy parties after a night out. Mum and me being treat like muck on a shoe.

A abusive uncle who would have me and my cusion be "kissing cusions" .Every night when I was 15 to 26 I drank took sleeping pills and hid away in my room self destructive harm anything so not to deal.

I look like wolferrines attacked me because of the arguments or threats. Mum couldnt leave the house quick enough. I gave up on a career to care for my dad but I was always looked down on.

****** golden girl. left was I was guilt tripped saying "your still dads girl you won't leave me" while dad would cry. Every night.

Mum swears I was an appendicitis 8 months in term. I'd be handed to anyone and everyone. Every year or every other from birth id end up in america. Mum would say her holidays where when me and dad would leave. From 6 months old id always go back and forth to New York. I couldnt talk yet "apparently" begged to go with dad.

Mum would say after blazing rows im leaving.

Then just walk out the door. I was left with a highly angry father and confused were mum had gone and if she would come back for me. I'd stay up all night waiting. I'd hide crying and scream in a pillow so not to be to loud so dad didn't shout.

I was told my face doesn't fit. My nick name was ferret face or panda. I would hurt my self so not to hurt others. I wanted and trained to be a counsellor so one to understand what I did wrong and two and most importantly to be there for the people who needed support.

I went to rehab to be identified when found so my parents wouldn't have to. If it wasn't for craig I doubt if be here.

Craig saved my life. Mum has always put others before me or ignored it so it didn't exist.

Important in here (ears) none important (over your head)

I was terrified everyday of my life. I loved and do love my parents it's just I can't stay quite any longer.

Money or game consoles chocolate sweets where hush money. Dad would buy crates of spirits and beer and supple my / his pills so I was always foggy minded.

I'm finally sober clean and harm free my mind is the most composed it ever been.

No one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Mum is a star and has a heart of gold to others but from age 7 onwards everyone else came first.

I pride my self on protecting, comforting trying to be there and support everyone, hell even risked my life enough times to save some. because I never had it. No one to fight for me protect me.

I wanted parents love encouragement happy I archived or even tried. But it never came.

Even my graduation was ruined.

I wasn't allowed to get a job they made me be sick and have PTSD mum still to this day loves to make me jump. I have terrifying nightmares.

I'd hear conversations no child should hear because they either didn't notice I was there or care. When ***** killed him self when *** did when dad tried and I was left with a random man being told "your dads took to many sweets"

The same man who later tried it on with me sending dirty pictures or dads other "mates" who would try there luck. I gained a shit ton of weight 21 stone so NO guy would come near me because the strangers who would come to the house used to try and feel me up or perv if door was unlocked as I was a kid.

She saw everything but wouldn't believe it. Or me. I phone our ***** one night years ago because she said I could and she yelled at me because she had work. I was silently screaming for help.

It was only at dads funeral she saw and realised and was so genuinely sorry for not believing me the night I phoned.

I wish every single thing I've said and keep telling was a lie but it's not it's 25/26 years of fear.

I'm 29 now. For the first time in my life im not on eggshells. I have a safe home. I can lock the door and not fear.

I wish these were lies I swear!!!!! I do but there not.

Yet NO ONE will even consider it's the TRUTH.