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r0semar1esp1ce · 2 years

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But imagine platonic yandere Collector x deity reader. But like the reader is more of a nature fairy type mischievous creature, and they obviously arent as powerful as collector but they can somewhat keep up. Both are powerful beyond humanity so they just wreak havoc together all the while just giggling like the children they are. I dont have a backstory or anything for the reader deity, but i would imagine they would go into some sort of hibernation while the Collector has been locked away. Holding hands and play wresting would be a norm for them

Thank you so much for the request ! I really like looking at other peoples ideas for Yandere Collector !

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Yandere Collector x GN Deity Reader

⚠️Warning for obsessive behaviour and depictions of seperation anxiety . Also slight spoiler warning for the gif used !⚠️

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You looked back at your friend briefly as you both made your way to the clearing you always went to when that time of year came . The Collector held your hand nervously , he was never particularly excited about this time of year .

"Don't pout like that , silly ! Come on , I told you that the moment the hibernation cycle ends we can start playing again !"

"Is that a promise , (Y/N) ?"

"A pinky promise !"

You gave your best friend one last hug , before getting in your place . The process began slowly , as you body merged with the nature that surrounded you . The felt your body grow roots , connecting itself to the soil . You slowly started to drift into unconsciousness , but before everything faded to black , you gave your best friend a smile .

...

When you finally woke up again , spring had arrived once more . You stretched you limbs , enjoying the ability to move once again . The thing that suprised you the most though , was the fact that the Collector wasn't there to greet you . Usually they would be the first thing you saw when you woke up from your hibernation . However , they were nowhere to be seen now .

At first , you thought it was some type of game that the Collector had set up . A small game of hide and seek to welcome you back . You looked everywhere , however you still couldn't find him anywhere . As more and more time passed , you continued to look for your friend . The months turned into years , and the years turned to decades ... At some point , you stopped looking for the Collector .

The memories of your dear friend started to fade as centuries slowly passed . You tried to distract yourself from the sadness you were feeling by putting your mind into other things , like tending to the nature around you .

...

You were caring for the plants in your forest , when the sky was suddenly bathed in a bright orange , simillar to the orange glow of fire . The familliar sound of your best friend's laughter surrounded you . Before you even had enough time to comprehend what was happenening , the Collector jumped out from the shadows to hug you .

"(Y/N) , I missed you so so much ! I was so lonely without you ! I was afraid I wound never see you again !"

"... Collector ? I thought you were gone forever ..."

"Hehe ! I missed you (Y/N) and I am never letting us be seperated again ! I will never let you go ever again , for the rest of eternity !"

You heard your friend giggle happily and you couldn't help but smile . Even though their words were menacing , the overwhelming joy of seeing the Collector again was enough to brush away any concerns you had .

"Now ... How about we play a game of tag ? I have been wanting to play with you so for long ! And after that we can play hide and seek ! I am never , ever going to let you off my sight again ! We are going to have so much fun together !"

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I hope I did I good job with writing your request !

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#yandere #yandere x reader #fanfic #yandere the owl house #yandere toh #yandere collector #yandere owl house collector #the owl house x reader

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troddensodden · 3 years

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what i immediately think of you based on your favorite fallout 4 companion:

or maybe a better title would have been what i think based on the companion you relate to the most? im not sure that just doesnt have a good ring to it

anyway

- cait: you come across as a violent, or generally brash person, but are good at heart. your violence or harsh tendencies likely have a reason behind them. you probably had something in your past where people who you trusted ended up betraying you, or someone you idolized turned out to be someone completely different. and this had an impact on you, causing you to protect yourself in the easiest way you know—pushing people away. because if you don't have anyone important to you, then you can't go through the same thing again. (or you just like her accent. valid.) just remember, even if some people have hurt you, not everyone will. there are people who care. just let them in. don't be afraid to be vulnerable, that shows that you're truly strong.

- codsworth: you're a pretty sentimental person and struggle to leave the past behind. which, while sweet, may get in your way sometimes. but generally you are a nice person. you like to help people out, but the main source of pleasure you gain from that is the satisfaction of knowing you helped someone, rather than the happiness of just knowing that person was helped. your sentimentality likely originates from some sort of loss, whether big or small. remember, you have people in your corner. you can rely on them.

- curie: either you're into science or philosophy, or you like accents. but most likely you're a pretty sweet person. you like to help people, but it probably ends up being self-sacrificial quite often even if you don't realize it. take care of yourself!! you're important too, the satisfaction of helping other people wont be enough to help you in the long run, and you need to acknowledge that. you probably help people and use that as a scapegoat for someone you weren't able to help well enough, whether that person is you or someone else, and end up overlooking your own needs. prioritize yourself first, allow yourself to be the most important person in your life.

- paladin danse: either you like the military, or you only played the brotherhood storyline so you could have him. also, you probably have some deep-rooted insecurity based in everyone seeing you as different and judging you for it, but you don't do anything to counter it and end up avoiding people as a whole because of it. you may think of other people as too much effort, or too confusing, or generally just not worth it when there are more important things to be done. you look up to those stronger than you, and look down on those weaker than you, and use that to shape yourself. you end up leaving the real you behind, so that maybe other people will think you're just as strong as the people you admire. but you don't have to be strong all the time. its okay.

- deacon: you're secretive. not because you necessarily have anything to hide, but to protect yourself. you may have opened up to someone in the past and then lost them, or been betrayed, and now find it difficult to be honest about yourself. opening up about yourself to anyone is a sign of great trust, and something that doesn't happen often, so you have a hard time doing it at all, but especially after being hurt because of it. you keep your heart close to your chest, and hide it behind humor and lies, because at least you don't have to be honest when you're cracking jokes. a lot of these jokes are probably pretty self-deprecating, a way of venting your struggle without having to truly bare yourself to anybody. but you don't have to lie to keep people around. people will love you just as much if you're true to yourself.

- dogmeat: you're a bit of a lone wolf. whether it's for a serious reason or just a dislike for people, you find it much simpler to be by yourself. you may have trouble trusting people, or even just issues working with people because of conflict. but as much as it may seem easier to just avoid people as a whole, you cant do that forever. if you let people in, and you trust them, they'll trust you too. it will help you out in the long run. (or hey! maybe you just like dogs. thats valid.)

- hancock: you're a very accepting person. you let people open up to you, make yourself a safe space for anyone who might need it. but you don't open yourself up to others, out of fear that maybe they'll see your flaws and leave you. as accepting as you are, you struggle to accept parts of yourself, and assume others wont be able to either. you struggle to think you're good enough, and so instead you make yourself a blank slate in a way, for people to interpret however they want. you disregard yourself, your personality, your past, and try to start anew without actually resolving any of your history. which may work fine for a while, but eventually it will stack up. it never left, you just tucked it away. you need to confront your past before working on the future. accept yourself and others will too.

- maccready: you're also quite a sentimental person, but in another way. you can't leave the past behind, because it changed you. you want things to go back to the way they were, so you can maybe change the way things went, change the things you did, but you can't. furthermore, you find the world immensely unfair, and it is. and as much as you may wish things were different, they arent, and theres nothing you can do now to fix it. whether you want to forget or not, the memories stick with you, and continuously remind you what you "could have done," even if you couldn't truly have changed the outcome. forgive yourself. its okay to remember, but it's not okay to dwell on the past and keep hurting yourself over it. the past happened, but the future is still being built. live your life.

- nick valentine: you're a very giving person, and enjoy helping people. however, you can hold a grudge. whether you or someone important to you was wronged, you won't forget about it until it has been resolved. depending on the severity, a well-done apology can satiate you, but if they did something serious, you won't rest until they get what you think they deserve. not necessarily in a violent sense, but in a general manner. you recognize that the world is corrupt and unfair, and see it as your role to try to bring about some fairness in the world, but sometimes end up stretching yourself too thin. be careful. it's good to care so much about others, but be sure to care for yourself too.

- piper: you likely had to grow up too fast, because of something that happened in your past. because of that, you struggle to truly let loose. you refuse to rely on other people and insist on being self-sufficient, but you also insist on trying to take care of others too, which builds up a lot of stress that you never really learned how to relieve. so instead of taking care of your stress, you absorb yourself in work. additionally, you're very headstrong, and while being persistent is a good thing, it comes back to bite you once in a while. so make sure to be cautious. you need to protect yourself, but you don't need to always be on guard. relax, let loose. you're still young and have life ahead of you.

- preston: you've been at the lowest point in your life and back up again. this low point, though, changed you. the way you thought, the way you acted, the way you cared for people. it changed you, positively and negatively. you've seen and experienced a lot of struggle, and that made you stronger, but it also made you afraid. not afraid of getting hurt, but afraid of not being able to protect those you care about from the strife that you've seen cause the downfall of so many people. you see it as your role to protect people, as something that brings you purpose. you've probably felt that way for a long time though. someone you admired may have gotten hurt and you weren't able to protect them, and you try to make up for it by protecting everyone else. but it's not your responsibility to protect everyone. it's not your fault if you can't. protect yourself first, and find self-worth outside of your work. focus out the present, and everything else will fall into place. its okay to take a break.

- strong: you prioritize yourself over others, to the point where you may end up disregarding other peoples thoughts or feelings because you think yours are more "important." because of this, you are generally a bit judgmental and only think something is worthwhile if it will benefit you. this may originate from some sort of neglect or similar treatment in the past, where you were forces to be self-sufficient. but it is important to be able to prioritize yourself while still being kind to other people. you look down on people who you think are weak, because you were forced to be strong enough to protect yourself. but you should allow yourself to listen to other people, because they'll care about you if you care too. relationships are valuable and important, even if you have only a few of them. be more open to other people, it won't hurt you.

- x6-88: similarly, you may feel a sense of superiority over some people. however, this is likely because you were frequently admired and praised for not showing vulnerability, whether in a physical or emotional sense. you may tend to repress your emotions, out of convenience or fear of having them used against you, which ends up affecting you negatively in the long run for a variety of reasons. for one, emotions will build up, causing stress and general struggle. but also, refusing to open up can harm interpersonal relationships, causing issues with trust, honesty, and more. you may feel relationships aren't worth it, but having people in your corner in a way that's mutually beneficial is very important. vulnerability is a sign of strength, but you were likely taught the opposite, and it's hard to shake something so deeply ingrained. it's a process, but it's worth it. allow yourself to be vulnerable, allow yourself to be protected. you won't disappoint people, it's alright.

#also disclaimer #i wrote this at like midnight so if its messy or inaccurate theres my excuse #another disclaimer i havent ever used some of these companions this is all just based on what i know about them #and for others i was just projecting a lot so sorry if its inaccurate #fallout #fallout 4 #fo4 #fallout companions

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queernuck · 5 years

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i have no fucking life

like, i wake up, i go to TMS, i sit in that chair getting magnetic pulses run through my brain for ~20 min, and then i go home. right now, im gonna go shower so i can go to work, work eight hours, get home after 11 (and also likely after almost all if not all of the hockey game, mind you!) and then go to sleep. part of why i have no real romantic prospects is because like, irl? i just dont have friends. i have coworkers, and theyre not bad, but theyre specifically relating to me as that, as COWORKERS. meanwhile, i cannot even begin to say how grateful i was to see my friend over memorial day weekend, and i would also consider my current plug a good friend but like...the former i saw for less than two hours and the latter for about five minutes in passing. i helped a good friend at work recently but also like, thats it, i havent seen her in forever.

like, my parents vocally and openly distrust me, and do so in a way that is demeaning, is embarrassing, is specifically meant to make me feel lesser, to make me feel as if I am not worth good, not worth attention, not worth the investment they put into me. again, while i havent had the cost of TMS held over me directly recently, it is absolutely something they want to invoke, something they see as part of what i “owe” them, and of course, as a result of that

i still have no say over where my paycheck goes

like, next week is going to be kinda tough just because my mom is going to be home or like, “around” the entire time thanks to being on vacation. that means that she AND my sister will be around at ALL TIMES, with the exception of going out to walk the dog, so on.

yes, i indeed will admit that I got a vacation of sorts when we were cutting hours, and I had a long stretch of days off. but here’s the thing, about that? since i wasnt working, i had nothing i could really do. no way to get money, nowhere i was able to go past the Dunkin Donuts down the street, and most of all, even then the pitiful paycheck I eventually did recieve that week was taken anyway.

im going to affirm it again in a moment but as my parents tell me, they suspect that if i were to be given money, i would spend it on drugs. and well, realtively speaking, they arent even terribly wrong. however, given the chance, the taking of some of what i have for food, bills, whatever is understandable, and that constituting rent should frankly almost certainly still leave me with something. which then, indeed, i would spend on drugs. like, i want to make it clear: i am admitting that they are indeed right, that i enjoy using drugs and that if i were able to freely spend the money i earn at work, i would spend money on drugs. but that isnt the issue here. the issue is that i am incredibly lonely, incredibly depressed, and most of all, incredibly alienated and it is very nice, very fun, and sometimes very easy to fix those things temporarily with drugs. just being able to get out of the house, drop acid and smoke weed in the park, do lines of coke in the bathroom at a sports bar, find cute guys and smoke tina with them, just hang out at home snorting H and popping bars, there really isnt much of anything wrong with that! like, i want a pack of newports, a bunch of bars, and a bundle! or like, a gram or two of coke or tina. and some tabs, maybe shrooms later in the summer too even!!

it may not be legal but like, ethically? all considered? i really dont feel as if that should be understood as being as big of a deal as they make it. my parents look at it through the lens of not just the death of my cousin (which is something that impacts me too, something that I also feel on a regular basis!!) as a tragedy but the way that they prioritize themselves, their own self-interest, over hypothetical situations. How they have no sense of what it is like to be in my position. how they look down at me and moreover do so openly. It fucking sucks, it hurts, it makes me feel awful about myself and i am almost entirely convinced that it is on purpose, it is specifically in order to make me feel lesser.

and thanks to that, thanks to the utterly depressing and disempowering, demeaning, dehumanizing circumstances i face every day, i am in a place where the two people i spend the most time with are both reactionary, both intent on mapping their reactionary ideals onto me, my body, my life.

and so, i can only react by not having one at all.

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cannibaldeerdoe · 3 years

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Romance is dead.

"She is probably using him." Was the first sentence out of his mouth. It had slipped out as he starred blankly into his latte as it swirled casually around the espresso and whipped cream in the cup. His friends, Audrey and Stella, Both had their jaws a gap.

To which Darnell simply shrugged nonchalantly, sipping coolly at his drink.

He glanced left, then right at both of his dear friends. A bored expression plastered on his face before he set his drink down, the sleeves of his dark over sized hoodie shuffling over his knuckles as the drink was set.

Darnell had short cut black hair, thick curls at the ends near his neck where he felt he may need to get a haircut sometime in the near future. Long bangs pushed out of his eyes as green eyes took in the shocked expressions of his friends once more before deciding to finally speak up.

"What?" He stated so plainly, " I was pretty sure you were use to this by now. " He stated plainly.

The girl's had been gossiping about a college campus romance unfolding. They had seemed like the most typical couple in the world, boy meets girl, they start doing casual stuff around campus, holding hands, walking to class, ect, ect. Darnell has seen this sort of thing at least a dozen or so times before.

It always ended the same. Heart break. Either after a month or two they faded apart, or one cheats on the other, or the other gets dissatisfied by the fact they only want such and such items. Petty stuff that was enough to ruin anyones mood.

This time though, The guy had left a bouquet of flowers on her desk with a note. She later came back with a red blush on her face.

He had apparently surprised her with some sweets in her locker next, ending with a request to an amusement park. after only a year of dating it seemed he finally proposed. She had yet to give her answer yet. Though, according to his friends, she was a fool to say no to such a romantic gesture.

"No. Dont you see? He obviously figured out she was the perfect fit for him. " Stated Audrey, resting her chin on her palm as she stuck out her puffy lips. Her perfect dark skin seeming to meld well with the lighting drifting in through the window they were seated beside.

"You typically need a few years and living together to know that"

"Maybe he just knew, y'know, like a soul mate or something. " Stated his other friend, Stella stated, her brunettes' locks hanging low as he rested her elbow on the counter. Her gold hooped earrings shinning as they interacted with the sun hitting the table.

"No, See, Here's how things will play out. They rush into this marriage, and after a year pop out some children. They arent prepared or ready for kids so that causes tension. They find out their views on raising kids is vastly different and they dont coordinate well. They divorce, wondering why they were ever in love in the first place. " He began to take a sip at his drink. Humming casually.

"Its so simple. Heard it a dozen times before. There is no such thing as love or romance not in the real world. " They both stared at him, their brown and blue eyes glaring him down before Audrey broke the silence.

"Yeah, Well, I hope you stay single forever with that sort of attitude!" To such an accusation, the group laughed. Cheerful fun having presented itself.

The group soon decided to depart, standing and walking down the street, the busy city gleaming and bustling with life.

Short lived romance, People arguing, Artists, dancers, office workers. It was just everyday life in this beautiful city. A city of small drama and comfortable living for young people.

It was perfect for beginnings and amazing for endings. Only issue was a lot of the time it was placed in that cold hard, cough syrup flavored reality.

They chattered and Darnell once more found himself laughing.

He had sworn he would stay single forever, because, to him romance was just something he enjoyed reading about in his spare time. It wasnt something that was real. It wasnt something that lasted. Just like his own parents. When he was a kid, they argued non-stop while swearing they were once in love.

To Darnell, Love was a spark that eventually faded. Love that lasted was usually just that. A fairy tale. One he figured he would enjoy avoiding at al cost.

Darnell paused, spotting in a window pane a book he had been in desperate need of and been eagerly awaiting the release of the next volume!

He could hardly contain such excitement, Pausing to stare into the window that showed the new released.

"I didnt even get the notification! "He exclaimed, waving hurriedly to his friends. They looked at eachother before turning to continue to walk.

"We can just meet you later." Stated Stella,

"How a romance nerd like you doesnt believe in real romance is such a god damn mystery to me."

The bell chimed delightfully and slightly annoyingly as he hurriedly opened the door to the bookshop.

Rushing over to the bookshelf behind the window case and searching frantically for where the volume might be located.

"Can I help you?" Stated a smooth voice almost like caramel from behind him.

Darnell's shoulders slumped some, he hated social interactions with strangers. He had already guessed a read on his personality before even turning to face him. Gorgeous and surrounded by women at all peaks of the hours.

"Im just looking for the book that was released in this series. "He hardly bothered to look the man in the eye.

There was an audible hum from the man as he answered Darnell's query.

"I havent quite gotten around to putting them on the shelf yet. The copies are actually still in a box just over there. I just finished with the display a few minutes ago before being dragged off by my manager." He chuckled softly, his voice sounding almost as sickeningly radiant as the bell that chimed when he strode in.

"Well why bother setting up the display if they arent--"Darnell was about to go off on this guy, who care's if he is good looking?! Yet, when his green eyes met with this guy's almost brown his heart seemed to skip. As though it were waking from a cold damp slumber and stretched its feathered wings.

What. The. Fuck. Oh no, you go back to being dead right this instant!

He swallowed, rolling his eyes and trying to look more disgruntled than what he actually was.

"Just give me the damn copy. "

He demanded, which was promptly met with a chuckle, a smile. And him bending over to reveal even better of a view.

Yeah. He was asking for heart break with this guy. Last thing he needed in his life was more heart break.

He plopped the heady hardcopy into Darnell's hands. His eyes seemed to gleam as he held his most recent favorite romance novel. It was glorious! It was just as great as everything written about it in the forums!

He slouched back into his normal mood, His lip stuck out as he avoided eye contact and held the book tightly to his chest.

"Thanks."

"No problem, I can check you out as well if you'd like. It looks like your friends may have come back for you after all." He chuckled again, waving politely to the two girls standing outside.

Why were they just watching the whole scene? Were they expecting something from all this?!

He bought his book and went about his day. His friends teasing him that the guy back there was right up his alley in every way, shape and form!

"Did you get his name?"

"Did you get his number...?"

" His names Bryan. No, Why would I even bother?" They continued their taunts. Although they all stopped suddenly in their steps, the sound of rampant feet clattering towards the group.

They had gone quite a ways from the bookstore now and were on their way home, surprised to find the handsome and bold short haired red head sprinting towards them.

He huffed, changed from his bookstore uniform. He was red in the face a large smile as he tried to play off how awkward it must have looked running towards them.

"I cant--!"He tried to say between gasps for air. "Believe I ran into you again!" He stated exasperated, "I thought about this earlier, I got so excited when I saw you again I thought it might be a good chance!" he began to dig around in his pocket, pulling out his phone.

"I notice you read romance in my mother's store a lot! I thought you might be interested in maybe coming to a book club with me. It's run by my sister. The next reading is 'What blooms in winter' A new romance story that was released by an armature novelist. "

He smiled, directing the phone screen to Darnell in particular.

"I figured I could...Get your number. It's next week. I can even stop by and pick you up by the store?"

In Darnell's mind at that moment he could heart the thrum of his heart, His friends both at a loss for words. That was basically asking for a date. Adding in some lame excuse for how he could get his number.

He rolled his eyes.

His head was screaming for a yes, yes, YES! Though he instead shoved the phone back into the guys hands. "Why in the world would I bother going to something so childish as a book club. "he snarled. Turning sharply on his heel.

"S-Sorry he--" "Stop talking to the creep!" He interrupted, Not wanting to put up with Stella's excuse.

After that, he said good bye to his friends. Hugs and cheers as they departed. He stood there in the hallway. Waiting for everyone to get to their dorms.

He stood in the silence. Looked left. Looked right.

Then he found his legs were moving on their own.

Sprinting as fast, if not faster, than he thought possible down the hallway, bursting through the doors of his apartment, back down that alley way with his sneakers noisily smacking against the loud concrete.

He turned the corner to the empty city street to see a lone man in a dark green and white t-shirt walking with his hands in his pockets.

He looked a bit forlorn to say the least and turned almost at the last minute to view a black haired, skinny pale male moving faster than he had since middle school gym.

He could barely stop, barreling towards the broad-shouldered red head. He stopped just in time before a crash course collision.

Gasping in deep shallow breaths. He couldnt dare try to say words.

They both stood there in awkward silence.

"Are you al--"He was about to ask, though Darnell very quickly grabbed for his phone from his hands. He held his breath as he rushed to type in his number and throw it back into his hands.

He still was quite breathless but now stood up straight, a scowl present on his face and turned back to walk jelly legged back to his apartment. Leaving the man to the empty street once more.

A soft chuckle being heard from him.

#writing #short stories #lgbtq+#my writing

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is-hiveswap-act-2-out-yet · 6 years

Text

March 8, 2018

Hiveswap: Act 2 is not out yet.

Hey what’s up guys I hate tumblr apps and I hate the ipad I have to remember and retype all of this so I ugh it won’t be as raw as the first draft but

Anyway

I am depressed and very sad...and I am depressed. I wasn’t gonna even make the original post bc I’m so sad and didn’t have the energy to do it i was just gonna go to sleep but idk I feel kind of a personal obligation so here I am...remembering and retyping the post I just made but tumblr just pooped out of existence.

I um I got a car like I signed for it and everything and it’s all good i can pay for it but the problem is the insurance. Because since I’m under 21 (woman) the insurance is like super expensive it’s like $300 a month at the cheapest and that’s like a DEAL.

I can’t like get on my dads insurance bc my dad and I...like really bad stuff like we don’t talk and honestly I’d rather Uber the rest of my life than give him one more thing to hold over me when trying to manipulate me and emotionally abuse me

Um but so anyway it’s stressing me out because like ugh its so unfair its just so unnecessary it’s so stupid you know? The life ive had to live because of my dad. Its not even the price. That made me cry. Its that I’ve been living this way for so long now that it feels never ending. It feels like...my goals are /just/ out of reach.

It sucks to see your friends all have opportunity like from their parents. And help from their parents, to at least get started. And...I don’t have that. I’ve never had that. My parents just kind of did their job till I was like 13 and then I had to learn everything myself. And I obviously havent learned a whole lot. Just how to sing and how to be a kind of cool person. But maybe not even that. Idk I’ve never been close to my parents. Theyve never made an effort to like be a part of my life and know who I am. And I don’t know them either. Like I see them every day, my mom drives me places if I ask, but I don’t know them.

And I don’t know how orphans that leave an orphanage at 18 do it. Because without the help from parents, without that little push, it’s so hard to exist in this world.

Like I can almost grab them but I’m stuck in that never ending stretch. And no matter what I do no matter how much closer I move the finish line, I still am stuck, alone, reaching for it and struggling to grab it.

I also um I got an offer for a full time job. But honestly I’m not too confident in my ability to be a sales person 24/7 but I don’t really have a choice. I’m scared I’ll start and theyll realize how terrible I am and how they made a mistake and theyll fire me and my uselessness will be: confirmed. And its like really giving me anxiety. But...again. Don’t have a choice.

And its also killing me bc my current job. I’ve been there for 3 years. I’ve built so many important friendships and learned so much there. That place is forever in my heart, I love it so much. Its honestly my comfort, from my actual life. Which is weird, right? Work is where you find comfort? But yeah. Work is currently my comfort. I feel at home when I walk in the doors.

And it hurts me to think about having to leave. Or to even think about having to tell my coworkers and managers that I got an offer for a full time job that I have to take. I don’t want to end that chapter of my life. Not yet. Not for some boring sales position at what seems like a terrible company.

I tried to tell them today and I couldn’t do it it was so hard I was thinking about it all day and I felt guilt for not telling them and that makes me really sad.

But you know I need this because I don’t have health insurance and I need health insurance. I need it.

I don’t know.

I was always scared to get a full time job too because to me...a full time job...is like...the end. Or not the end but more like...the beginning of...acceptance? Like just the beginning of accepting that you have to work away your life to live and you have to work under capitalism and succeed in capitalism and just...taking a seat and following all those rules to live a secure life. Giving your life up. Giving up your dreams, even.

It feels like I’m running out of time.

And you know I don’t want to be stuck in a cycle under the capitalist thumb until I die I want to do things I want to perform I want to sing I want to see things!!! I haven’t had the privilege of others to you know go out and do things I wanted to do because my family is so broken and I just want that. I don’t want to be smooshed down into a case and hung up on some CEOs huge wall of other people smooshed into cases.

I just...it feels like I’m running out of time. And its stressing me out. And making me sad.

And you know of course I have mental health issues like I don’t even know if I can be a functional person at all 24/7 so I don’t know how working full time is gonna be.

I’m just scared of failing in every area. Scared of not being good enough. Scared of running out of time. Scared of being defeated and having to just comply with the world.

And of course the no internet affecting my ability to do any of the things I enjoy, leaving me an empty shell of YouTube videos and video games out of obligation.

Also the fact that I cant afford an apartment even with s full time job, meaning I have to stay here in my dads house, miserable, for that much longer.

And just....there’s a whole lot. There’s a whole lot. I’m thinking about a bunch of stuff and I’m sad and it’s hard for me right now. So if I miss a day or two or a few...I’m sorry. Uh. Just know that it’s not bc I’m lazy it’s because I just really am not “feelin up to it right now”.

Sorry to dump my 2nd edition life story on yall but idk sometimes you just gotta share your feelings with a bunch of random strangers on the internet so they understand why you arent having the best time keeping up with your daily blog.

Edit: just watched the Nintendo direct and WOW SUPER SMASH BROS FOR THE SWITCH YEAAHHHHHHH

Also congrats, Toby. On your dream of getting undertale on the switch. And also making it onto a Nintendo direct woe.

There are 11 days until “Spring 2018”.

#im not even sure im excited for hiveswap anymore tbh #i cant play it anyway #im so sad and out of it that hiveswap has drifted so far from me #which makes me really sad because homestuck made me grow more than anything but #idk ill be ok ill live #i wont die from this bad place...i can make it

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aitian · 3 years

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5:43 am 12/29/2020

end of year.

feels right to revisit how i looked this yr on photobooth. most ppl only knew me through my webcam. i dont have many thoughts abt who i am or what im doing these days. mostly playing video games with alice. we smoked together a few days ago & i still feel like im in deadtime. like maybe i cant remember the important things im supposed to from the past. & rly existential lately. the panic is just in my throat, thinking abt how fast time is going & how there is no way back. i think there is a carceral logic behind the entrapment that all us depressed & anxious kids feel.. like the inadequacy of being alive, the failure to feel like a beautiful future is unfolding. im not sure anyone feels that way these days, & maybe thats why they r all holding on so desperately. all empires fall. im so grateful to be able to feel moms body & be her child these days. i just wanna lay my head on someones chest & feel good, warm, soft, coarse fabrics. also feeling anxious abt my classes, turning in the same essay that isnt rly an essay to all of my profs. oops. it was rly the best i could manage. vestigial body... i will finish writing smth i feel proud abt one day, & it will be written to myself. like this.

idk when the last time i wrote was, but maybe i wanna talk abt my relationships. feels like i got a hard reset on my brain by smoking with alice. oh god. anyway i havent been talking to sherry & adele recently bc i just dont feel right around them. in november remembering again what it felt like to feel so unwelcome all the time, feel that energy & those manners replicated by them toward me.. ik i should just talk to people frankly abt the things im uncomfortable with at home now that i have so much practice doing it but i just dont want to. somehow it feels like they should all just know, that they are living alongside me all this time in various ways even if i am not saying things to them, & our actions that connect us in relationship are felt by them too. & there is some part of refusal to see the relationship for what it is. im not begging for some trans pity or for commitment.. those kinds of relationship arent real. what is real is wanting to spend time with me, wanting to experience some sort of exchange between bodies, wanting to walk toward near horizons. feels like everyone who listens & agrees when i speak just does it to be amicable. there are only so many ways i can reassure myself that ppl understand me for who i am, even when they are constantly being led astray to hurt me. like alice saying its good for doctors to have objective views of their patients, outside of any other relationship. mom saying that she trusted our teachers to teach us what we needed. getting weirdly gendered messages from friends at home, & never asked in good faith about how i feel. its rly so shitty that even questions like how was the day or what ru thinking rn or whats on the horizon r things they want me to ask, then dont want to answer, & make fun of bc they feel awkward saying anything. so stupid. its this kind of shit that holds me back from letting my desires be known, these rituals of repression & shame. & i always wanna hear ppls desires & then immediately regret asking to know that our relationship is in direct conflict with their utopias. so stupid.

today after dinner, which was in the late evening, mom & alice & i did some short yoga stuff & then we did silly lion dancing. im still sore. i stretched out everything that felt sort afterward. anyway, felt good to be goofy & sweat & breathe hard.

what im feeling abt this year: - vestigial body x1000 --> dark room, heart beating fast, waiting & squeezing. theres that episode of midnight gospel when the dying dog/reindeer lady talks abt giving birth & dying, like squeezing & tensing & on no this moment will never end & then releasing & coming to rest & then all over again. & that is what i think abt every time i feel in panic now, or in a deep place of fear. there r some pains that cant be escaped, & they dont need to be. they r felt all the same. - i made a new friend through q&a who is a kid im supposed to b mentoring. it just means that all relationships are reciprocal (i dont like that word either, but they r never simply one way or transactional) & we met every thursday during the school yr. i prepared short stories for us to read & writing prompts, & we wrote abt stuff. - i just cant remember. all i remember abt this summer was going to stone valley with mom, feeling the sunlight & my tiredness (in an enveloping selse, toward my body & my spirit), playing games w sherry, playing some piano, & working on that fire emblem romhack. feels like the year went by so quickly. like i just had my birthday a few days ago, & now the new year means it is coming again soon. sometimes whole lives are vestigial. what is gruesome & magnificent abt that is that those vestigial bodies are hard to kill without clear intentions & collective effort. what sucks is the entrapment. i have been feeling this cant remember feeling in a bigger way, toward what my life was like before college, toward who i was in college now that i am so removed, & even more toward the kid whose world blossomed into smth they desperately desired & felt afraid of. middle school me would be horrified. maybe an even younger me would be proud, feel in awe or struck by the rightness of home. - i want to remember mom. the way she walks around with her hands in her pockets. 帅吗。:). how we skip/gallop sideways to avoid the wind on our walks, & she bounces when she walks like a silly kid. i love her. unruly gender, stubbornness of feelings, failure failure failure is why we r hurt but also why we r rly still allowed to be here. thinking abt moms essay, moving away from her grandma, thinking she would live together again someday. thinking abt how im home this yr, in a way i thought maybe i would never be ever again. its so cruel to leave love behind for the sake of a ritualized life i could never participate in. i wont do it. i just wont.

some feelings abt the coming year - i want to meet someone like myself & fall in love. deeply, with myself, in relationship. i wanna have sex too, & feel held in my being alive. i wanna be allowed to enjoy my body in even more regards like wearing short sleeves & feeling the sun on my arms free from dysphoria, existing in public not noticeably & feeling the evaporation of racial tension, waking up with that feeling of possibility, like i want to be alive & eat food & go outside & do those things in my body that remind me that i am a part of how the rest of this world is growing. i wanna be held in that knowing, together, of wellness & movement toward everything that means we matter to each other. - playing video games has been so important to this vestige & i dont want it to remain that way. i wanna collect stuff & grow stuff in real life, & grow myself & my relationships too. its not living when its the mourning of the freedom i should have always had & should have every moment i am continuing to life unfreely. - i wanna do some stuff to express gratitude to the ppl i have continued some sort of relationship with. feel bad abt how no one has emailed me back in more than a month now. maybe wanna do a q&a chapbook or yearbook. complex feelings bc i am so not in relationship with the ppl i wanna care abt. it sucks. part of that is letting go of guilt too, & being real with myself abt how much responsibility is on the other body to make me feel okay in our relationships. its rly not my fault that, u kno.. everyone is used to making someone like me feel like shit. sad that my most continuous relationships this yr r with professors. those dumb feelings of obligation r killer. i guess im grateful to be legible in some ways, while feeling the intensely awkward unwillingness to be real abt our positions relative to each other. i think lots more happening in this regard in the coming months w classes, blk atlantic ecologies, maybe smth w prof lee. & sometimes thinking abt what grad school would mean. - i wanna feel slow, i wanna feel like myself, i wanna feel free. some feelings r sitting in the garden on my own in the spring, planting some stuff. thinking abt what it might grow into, coming back again & again. the sun ducks behind clouds & comes back out, & the world feels so light & passing by. & time feels forever, like i have so much patience to dream & breathe & observe. this is one of my early memories, watching shadows on the concrete/sidewalks at preschool, feeling warmer then colder then warmer again. i also wanna feel the kind of collectivity that makes me know we all insist on home. i want it to branch beyond this home that i know. & also mean that i will not throw this away. im thinking abt how to exist intimately with more than one person at once. it is smth i will learn as it comes into my life.

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astrorarepairs · 6 years

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untitled

A few things abt this: 1) i havent edited this so iapologize if there are parts that arent grammatically correct/dont make sense 2) this takes place during the historical period when korea was still ruled by Kings and Queens but i didnt do much research on it ddjf 3) *spoiler * its angst 4) lowkey wanted to title this as love in the moonlight bc i wanted to watch that drama while writing this

The midnight bell rings from the high tower inside the palace walls for all of Cheongju to hear. It’s loud and daunting, a useless reminder to the citizens of Korea to be in bed by now or be punished. The only ones who hear the midnight bell are the royal guards, who do their nightly rounds on the streets to catch anyone who roams about with suspiciousness, even though every civilian would never dare to. Only a fool would dare to put their entire life and family for a mere walk in the moonlight.

Minhyuk considers himself smarter than a fool, which might explain why he hasn’t been caught all this time. He runs in the shadow of the night and has enough experience to make not a single sound as he sneaks. His small stature and flexibility allows him to sneak in the smallest and cramp places when he hears the step of royal guards coming his way. So he doesn’t think he considers himself a fool to be caught.

He continues to run and turn at every corner, away from his small home where his family are asleep, unknown about his fortnightly activities and where he’s headed. He feels a pang of guilt at the possible thought they might wake up and find him gone, worried and scared for them and their son but it fuels him with even more determination to not get caught. He follows the complicated path he knows by heart.

He walks closer and closer to the outskirts of the cityand clings to the stone wall, careful not to reveal his figure or make too much noise. He stops walking when he’s reached a certain point and feels the figures and random pattern of the stones that barricade the palace. He listens carefully for any incoming footsteps and when the coast seems clear, he steps back into the woods and climbs the first tree he reaches.

He counts the number of branches he climbs until he stops at the fifth branch. He carefully drags himself to the end of the branch without rustling the tree too much. He stops until the near end where his feet barely reach the end of the stone wall and he’s a few feet away from a lit room. A shadow comes into view and scans the room before coming closer to the window.

Moon Bin is dressed in a sleeping outfit that has too much expensive and long layers for Minhyuk’s taste and has a worried look on his face as he looks at him. He’s wide eyed, scanning for any sign of movement that might find out their secret meeting and Minhyuk’s fondness for him grows as he watches the royal prince.

“My love,” The prince pants when he finally turns to look at him with worried eyes. His heart skips a beat at the name. “Are you okay? No one seemed to follow or see you right?”

“I’m fine Bin, but have some faith in me. I’ve been doing this for the past two years. I know the path by heart and I know my heart will never betray me.” He gives him a warm smile.

“I apologize, things have been rather tense in the palace and my father has been requesting for more guards to roam around. You know your safety means everything to me, and the mere act of you doing this m-“

“Makes me so worried.” Minhyuk finishes sentence for him. He’s heard Bin repeat the same guilty confession more than a hundred times. His words are forever itched into his mind, bringing him guilt and worries of his own on nights he can’t sleep. “I know your heart and concern my prince and it is in my best concerns that you don’t get a heart attack from worry every time that we meet. We could always go back to writing letters as we did in the past.”

Moonbin turns into a shade of pink and firmly shakes his head. “As selfish as I am, I much prefer being able to see you like this.” Even though we can never touch each other. Minhyuk finishes his sentence again. He ignores the pain in his heart and smiles at him.

“I miss you.” He confesses. He doesn’t want to talk about their fears and the dangers of their relationship. They have limited time before the sun rises and he has to run back home without being noticed he was missing. They cannot spend their precious time of meeting full of tears and sobs (they once did cry, six months into their routine, when the king had forced Moon Bin’s sister to be wed off and Minhyuk’s family shop wasn’t doing so well. A royal servant, Eunwoo, had heard the prince’s cries outside of his room and asked what was wrong. They quickly resolved their fight and promised to never fight again).

“I missed you too,” He flashes him a smile. His eyes turn into crescents and his shoulders relax and he knows he means the truth. “I know it’s only been two weeks since we last saw each other, but it feels like been an eternity.”

“I’m here now. Tell me what’s on your mind.“

“A lot.” He sighs. “Father’s been busy meeting with other officials and generals from other kingdoms to discuss on dealing with the outburst of thieves that’s been rumored to be coming from the South forest. More important people in the palace means more guards lurking around, hence why I was so worried about you being caught. Good news is I made another friend, like you told me to! He’s one of the servant’s, his name is Sanha.” He crosses his arms and gives him a proud smirk.

“How old is he?” The crown prince’s falls and stutters out a reply that’s too low for him to hear. He puts his hand toward his ear, knowing it irks him. “What was that?”

“H-he’s seven.” He repeats, loud enough for the other to hear. “B-but he’s great! He’s a great listener, we have nice conversations, and he plays games with me!”

“That’s because you’re probably his only playmate other than his mother.”

“He still counts as a friend! You didn’t add in any specifications to your request!” Well, he got him there.

Minhyuk sighs, knowing he couldn’t win an argument against his hotheaded boyfriend. “Alright then, you, although didn’t really-“

“You’re fault for not specifying on your definition of friends!” Moon Bin defended and stuck out his tongue at him. Minhyuk merely rolled his eyes at his childishness.

“I congratulate you Prince Moon Bin, crown prince of Cheongju, for successfully executing the difficult task I had given you last week.” Minhyuk bowed did a silent clap, dramatizing his achievement. Bin was relishing in the moment and enjoyed listening to him admitting defeat. “How do you wish for us to celebrate this extravagant new accomplishment of yours, your royal highness?”

Moon Bin hummed in his glory and began to think, stroking his imaginary beard. Minhyuk could only sigh internally and dread for the worst possible activity he would possibly be told to do. After a few seconds, he looked at the window to find him thinking seriously about it. He found the sight of his partner in all seriousness and deep in thought a cute sight and wonders if he’s the only few who’s able to see this childish, stubborn and proud side of Bin. He wonders if this is the side of Bin that the public only knows, the one that makes everyone in the land praise and respect him so highly. He wonders if he’s the only few who’s able to see childish, stubborn and proud side of Bin. wonders if this is what Moon Bin looks like when he’s in meetings or what he generally looks like in the daytime, going over royal duties (he avoids the thought of being able to be by his side in the daytime and how nice that would be).

“I want to touch you.”

The words are enough to break Minhyuk out of his thoughts and his breath hitch. His playful smile is gone and he looks at him with a sad gaze. His heart aches remembering the fact that they’ve never been able to had any physical contact with each other despite having been together for two years. He supposes it was one of the consequences of dating the crown prince when he was a mere tailor’s son. The closest type of contact they’ve ever had was making eye contact while he was washing clothes by the river and Bin was horseriding in the same forest.

“B-bin,” He swallows the lump in his throat, wanting so desperately to reach out and hold him, to hold his hand, to kiss him, to initiate any sort of contact with the man he’s so much in love with. But he can’t and it pains him so much to admit it.

The full moon and stars glimmer brightly tonight, as if waiting for them to be caught in the forbidden act and spread the sight to everyone. The moonlight shines so bright and Minhyuk has an idea. He holds back his tears and smiles at him. “And so we shall.”

He holds out his hand into the moonlight, stretches out just enough for a shadow of his hand to appear on Bin’s window sill. He understands his idea and holds out his own into the moonlight, moving it around until his hand’s own shadow is in the same position as Minhyuk’s is. They stay like that for a while, moving their fingers around to try and get the shadows to show their intertwined hands.

The gesture is a terrible attempt of fulfilling his request and holds the same meaning as an empty promise. They look at each other and see guilt and love stare right back at each other. It’s not enough, nor will it ever be enough to fulfill Moon Bin’s and his own desire. But for now, as the birds chirp in sign of dawn coming and as the moon starts to set, as they quietly say ‘I love you’s to each other, before Minhyuk departs and races against dawn, it will have to be enough.

wELL THAT WAS SAD!!!!!!!!!!!!! the last scene made me really sad i want them to be able to hold hands :(((((((((((((((((( prompt anon you write really well, my heart is so <///3 i felt the longing i felt the struggle ; - ;

this is really good prompt anon, im excited to see more of it if you’re going to continue it! im ready for more Pain

#prompt anon #fic #prompt anon's fic #i was already warned about the angst and yet im hurt anyway hahaha #submission

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susie-cohen · 4 years

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Part IV

Been a few weeks but shits been good

I finally have a job after many months of unemployment

I have a set at a URL fest. Cartier God is playing the same fest so thats dope.

Super excited. But I don’t even know what this blog is for but I just wanted to talk about how-to videos.

To any aspiring producers/artists. I think you should do what you want, don’t let what I say stop you from doing the things you want.

Its just hard out here on people who arent trying to fit into any wave. A lot of people in this upcoming festival share the same sentiment, I saw a tweet by one of them that said “if youre not making music like David Shawty or Bladee it feels like no one cares”.

That feels true, especially as someone who feels like they were born to live on the internet it just sucks to see such a saturated playing field. Saturated with the glitchy rap stuff, but don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a lot of that style. It just feels like no one outside of that style is getting any shine.

I don’t know my style yet but its certainly not that. It doesn’t help that TikTok is just now finding out about that stuff. Meanwhile whole new waves are being built right under our feet.

I guess I just like making music that doesnt really sound like anyone else’s but to a cultured ear you can point out my influences (kinda cringe but yeah). I hope some people start to recognize Sqeon.

But back to what I said before, How-To videos. These shits have been around forever, its not a new thing to look up how to produce in a style or produce like a producer. How To Produce Like Timbaland for example. But of course with every new style people try to replicate it, and thats cool and dope. I find those videos interesting because people have managed to deconstruct these complex sounds and show anyone how to do it. I watch them to get ideas of how to stretch my sounds, as much as I love White Armor I don’t want to jack his steeze. I want to keep it interesting.

I think thats all I have to say though, I hope u get what i’m saying. Make some new shit, unique to you. How-to-sound-like videos aren’t bad. Just innovate ur shit, if youre gonna strive to fit in with an already established style, change it up u can still make it unique.

Sqeon.

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