#in case u guys thought 2nd century warlord was wacky...no. chinese history is just Like That

[grand-theft-carbohydrates]

first day as a early-third-century general and my lame loser of a liege lord has just suffered an overwhelming defeat at the hands of his rival warlord because he refused to abandon the refugees who were slowing him down.

this is our darkest hour. the coalition has been utterly crushed, my sworn-brother is presumed dead and our best general was last seen defecting to the enemy. it's up to me to cover our retreat. i scrape together twenty men and prepare to take a final stand. i am going to save the man i love--this stupid, loyal, big-hearted loser--or die trying.

i hide my men in the nearby woods and order them to tie branches to their horses tails to stir up dust to make it look like there's a lot of us, and then I ride out alone to face the Rival Warlord's army, screaming and raving like a lunatic.

my deranged, suicidal improvisation ends up being an OVERWHELMING SUCESS because the Rival Warlord is a neurotic over-thinker and he believes there's a huge force in the woods, waiting to ambush him. Rival Warlord calls for a retreat and i use this moment to change my pants.

suddenly, a man comes riding towards us with a baby strapped to his back. IT'S OUR BEST GENERAL!!! He hadn't betrayed us after all! he was behind enemy lines, rescuing the Loser Leige Lord's son and wife! we hug, kiss and shed manly tears. the wife gets a fist-bump. don't ask what happens to the baby later, it's not important.

my actions today have single-handedly changed the course of history. we have earned the undying love and support of the people and my Loser Liege Lord will live to fight another day. by the time Rival Warlord has figured out the ruse and orders a second attack, my sworn-brother has arrived with reinforcements and this time we ambush him for real.

as we make sail for the southern lands, i can't help but feel hopeful in spite of the lingering pain in my heart. although we have suffered unimaginable losses, i still have my sworn-brothers by my side. as long as the three of us are togather, there is nothing in the world i cannot endure. if anyone cares to remember my story after i am dead and gone, let it be known that i am but a coarse, common man with more flaws than strengths. if i have become a hero, then it was in spite of myself and all for the people that i loved.

#history meme #pour one out for my problematic fav zhang fei the guy who started the whole thing #in case u guys thought 2nd century warlord was wacky...no. chinese history is just Like That #romance of the three kingdoms #san guo yan yi #zhang fei #guan yu #cao cao #lui bei #zhao yun #battle of changban #second century warlord #i deadass cried a little writing this. zhang fei is like an f- historical figure but at a+ character. the events are book-inspired with so #some #real history sprinkled in #my writing