#idk what the invisible obstacle is this time. I've struggled with procrastination before but not like this

[cisthoughtcrime]

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#what the fuck is wrong with me #i feel like something in me broke recently and like ive had so few lucid moments in the last two weeks #i dont feel right. physically mentally emotionally. im fucking exhausted and cant be around people or alone. #I'm running away for the weekend. gonna hide in a motel/hotel somewhere nearby and try to force myself to get through this work #cuz if i can just write this thing i can focus on getting the rest of my shit together #if i just power this out #idk what the invisible obstacle is this time. I've struggled with procrastination before but not like this #it feels different and i feel idk. sick from it. #im 25 & have lived 1000s of miles from where i grew up since i was 18; but i broke down crying to my mom saying i wanted to come home #I'm a wreck and it's all self inflicted. cant even blame anyone or anything but myself. there are no external factors in this... #...once again i have no conclusion other than that I'm the problem. im my own problem. #and ik id feel better with this work behind me. ik I'm capable of doing it. so why am i not? why is it that every time i sit down to do it #i feel prematurely defeated? #even running away to a hotel for a few days to force myself to work without distractions idk if that'll remove the obstacles #cuz im the obstacle. even alone in a room with nothing but a bed power WiFi shower & my notes for three days... #...will i accomplish what i need to at all? will i even get close? im so tired #on friday-saturday i slept like 18.5/24hrs and was still tired. I've done good work even in this state before why am i not doing it now #just fucking do the work just fucking do it oh my god im so angry at myself