#idk ive just felt weird about posting art for a while

[arkatrine]

haven't uploaded new art in a while but this was a big labor of love, my shadowrun ballerina shaman Imizael. This image has been in my head for a while and I've been putting it off, but seeing a buddy's art made me want to try studing his style. Either it's a real carousel or a spirit of man idk, but I think if I went back and redesigned her spirits to be more interesting this would get added to the rotation.

This was kind of peak Real Bad Times for her but things are getting better. They'll probably get worse again, but they'll be better for a minute or two at least.

#shadowrun #arky draws junk #imizael the elf #i've got a lot i might post of her #idk ive just felt weird about posting art for a while #it's not very cyberpunky i know but listen hear me out #i can do what i want forever

[blonde-tori-spring555]

ugh i hate when i feel on the verge of a panic attack

imma rant for a sec soz, u dont have to read the whole thing

...

im just so stressed rn, with school, family, friends and ive got like two auditions i need to prepare for and tbh i just feel anxious for no reason, i feel like im getting 'bad' again, like were i was just in my room and doing the same thing everyday and my brain hated that, and i just felt numb, like i dont think im depressed or anything like idk, i feel like i should explain what happened to originally make me feel like this, i wont go into full detail ect, but yeh

basically i was friends with this girl (we met at performing arts classes) and she i guess never rlly treated me amazing and was always slightly werid for example (not saying this is weird but from the way she is irl and they way she sounded seemed strange) so last year i was facetiming her and i was like "oh btw ive got a bf now", and she kinda seemed a bit Awkard, like her smile faded and she was just kinda like "oh thats great for u" a bit numbly (i should probs mention she isnt straight and for all ik she is bi) and then instantly changes the subject to "oh btw i was thinking of asking out-" and yeh we talked about it, anyway i spoke to my mum how i thought it was a bit weird and my mum said "oh hahaha maybe she has a crush on u" and im (pretty sure im) straight so like i didnt know how to react, anyway fast forward she started to act rlly weird and yeh, like kinda being a bit dramatic about stuff, anyway one week, this was in October, i didnt rlly text her because i was rlly busy, i was hanging out with my school friends and stuff, and i wanna say she could of text me and i would of responded, maybe not right away but i would of told her i was a bit busy if she had asked, but no, one of our friends told us she was upset that i hadnt been texting her and that i should, yk so i did, and she didnt respond, then she left our performing arts gc (with our friends in it from there) so i asked her why and two days later she responded saying she felt she didnt fit it, and at this point i was kinda sick of this drama so i was by choice not gonna text her for a few days and take care of myself, then one day while at school she send me a fucking video (like a capcut edit) basically calling me and my friends from theatre bad friends, and saying i need to send it to them, anyway i didnt and we told the woman that owns our company, and btw my mum knew the whole time, from when she started acting strange, and my mum was saying to the woman that owned the company, that she will call the poice if needed and if it has been sent out and posted (the video had my face in it), then she text me calling my mum stupid and calling me stupid so i blocked her, and after that i told her we are not friends and to leave me alone, then in December i repeated we are not friends but im not sitting here being pissed anymore so like forget about the shit and move on BUT WE ARE NOT FRIENDS, anyway this bs has been dragged on for like 5-6 months and she fucking keeps harassing me to the point ive had to block her on all platforms. anyway yeh :)

#ive left details out #because i aint a bitch #also soz ik i sound dramatic rn #but its a boundry for me #whether it was done to me or a friend i wouldnt be friends with the person that did it #lil add the girl she was dating #relationship but she said hell no and dumped them

[fowl-leaf]

my 2023 summary of art!

Template:here

still not consistently posting anywhere, but I like doing these. they're fun there's a lot of things i would've liked to include but had to exclude, due to not being shareable on this account. maybe i'll have more stuff next year!

this is long, so details under the cut

JANUARY silly lizard oc i generally dont do much single line hatching, so it was nice to fiddle with it this time

FEBRUARY the wittle scrunkly lizard last time i drew this one, they were an lps shitpost, so its nice to like draw them normally lol

MARCH herman is running out of time glasses axolotl but make him neon idk

APRIL fancy calico i honestly dont know whats up with the clothes, i just kinda drew whatever tbh

MAY yippie!! toontown oc! was playing ttcc w/shard and co, this is the character i ended up making i also got covid around april-march iirc so i was feeling horrid for a while (and the remaining symptoms didnt clear up till like june)

JUNE an oc i got years ago but didnt have the confidence to draw for a while lmao anyways i like her colors and shape, she's fun

JULY mandatory artfight posting this was one of the last ones i did! ocs belong to pookapooka and they were so fun to paint

idk if ill be doing artfight again tbh. ive been doing it consistently since sun vs moon but its honestly felt less fun ever since the tiktok invasion`and how ppls behavior has changed, and especially since the whole ownership thing that happened mid fight this year. (not interested in any of the alternatives ive seen either bc they have the same issues, notably worse issues, or are not furry friendly) but tbh that might just be me being disenchanted with online art spaces due to the intensifying shittification of basically everything, fucking rip

AUGUST ring but hes going to jail (again but for real this time) the staxie monthly prompt was barbie mugshots but i . . . i did this with ring and lumos and promptly forgor to do this with cakes and ale like i was planning to lmfao im actually gonna watch the barbie movie tonight, renting it so i can watch it on the big tv (didnt watch in theaters bc expensive (movie tickets are generally 15-25 bucks in my area (compared to the 5-10 in my aunt's area (renting is cheaper per person)), and they changed the chairs to these weird uncomfy pleather recliners that make my skin crawl to "justify the price raise" + i hate sitting for more than an hour i need water, bathroom, stretch, and snack breaks))

SEPTEMBER ganache went over the hedge was very busy w/projects so i did little casual art this was inspired by me comparing the over the hedge version of supermarket by ben folds (upbeat & high energy) vs the one by the clash (melancholy + commercial-induced agony) ever since then i cant stop thinking abt how much the lemon demon guy's voice sounds like the fucking clash guy sdjkhfkjsd also over the hedge was one of my favorite movies as a kid and i watched it at least 10 times before we had to return the dvd to netflix. i also regularly played the flash games on the site until i forgot about it after finding out about miniclip + notdoppler from other kids and decided to use those for flash games instead bc more options lol

OCTOBER dta img for a new oc i got, funny long neck budgie thingy busy w/projects again so little casual art had to use old mini tablet bc previous tablet was completely unusable fucking rip

NOVEMBER ganache + cactus pony, they want to know if you have any bubblegum. do you? busy w/projects again so little casual art doodle i made in heavypaint (one of the old layerless versions, i bought a lisence for it a while ago.) i got a new tablet on black friday since the mini tablet was horrible + my broken tablet was making me work very slow

DECEMBER ring in the void (this is lore accurate) or as nic put it, "fucked up twilight sparkle" lol busy w/projects + gifts so little casual art i actually sketched this w/the mini tablet, but didnt finish it up till getting the new tablet

---

for reading this far, you get to see amogus.

i would've put amogus whisper on the chart but decided against it since im not done with that one yet lmao

#summary of art #2023 summary of art #my art #oc art #no organization tags bc that would be hell

[dromaeo-sauridae]

the only thing I think i could talk abt rn is megafauna (or at least, attributes abt them) bcuz ive been rotating my own megafauna-esque creatures in my head like a character select screen n its driving me. Wild bcjdbchc

so to combat that in turn, tell me abt your headworld creatures :D (if thats alright w/ you)!

(esp. the horses, im curious as to what the extra pair legs do, if anything at all)

MEGAFAUNA‼️‼️‼️ U HAVE SOME. TEL ME ABOUT THEM I AM WAITING FOR IT I AM 👀👀👀👀 I WANT TO KNOW

wssheshaaahgdhg the horses. the horses are goin thru some TURMOIL rn. but. about the extra legs. this is just a Cassandrian Quirk if you will, it worked for the fishy ancestor now most animals have that bodyplan. it does work tho, cuz cassandra is hella unstable and very rocky and mountainous, so the extra stability of having more legs helps a lot. it does mean that many animals are a lot slower than animals on earth are able to get. although some animals like wolves (which i posted like a week ago or smthn i do not remember when tbh) and probably. some others. that i havent thought of yETAHFJSURJS. have evolved centaurism where the first forelimbs are held up in order to be out of the way while running, prioritizing speed and agility.

wow that went way off base but anyway. horses and pegasi ARE related, but way back a long fuckin time ago idk when i havent gotten that detailed the pegasi decided to have a fuckin party and evolved wings to take advantage of that nice empty niche of being nightmarish sky demons. this happened mostly because i really like weird takes on mythological creatures tbh. btw check out almost real’s griffins cuz they have given me just so much cool ideas. and just. jayrockin’s art in general?!!?? dude i am so sorry this is so off topic i just started typing and here i am but anywa. plaese tell me about ur animals i want to know

also if you havent already pls watch the alien biospheres series on youtube i binged it in like 3 days and have never felt more alive. god i hope you can understand this fucking post

I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE TALKING ABOUT HORSES SPECIFICALLY?? I JUST DID NOT DO THAT I AM SO SORRY FOR BEING THIS WAY

#people talking to me #promethea

[spotsupstuff]

Your Fruit Twins Au where they're brothers is one of the most well-detailed AUs I've seen in the fandom and I like it lots! I enjoy reading and looking at everything about it when I can; both the art and writing. I also don't ship Wukong x Mac with reasons, too. Mostly due to their context from the book. I read you also don't ship them for complicated reasons. I'm just curious why on the full story, but I understand if you don't answer. Anyhow, cheers to your work ^^

AA!!!! Im so glad you find the detailness of the au good!!! N that you enjoy it!!!!!!!!! Means a lot, its a lot of fun to work on it <3

Well, my whole perception on shippin those two is, on the very base of it all, a big No cuz just like you I hold onto n respect the context of the book a ton. My opinion about the whole thing is heavily influenced by the chinese peeps here on tumblr- they essentially made up my whole opinion for a good while, cuz, after all, they know better than I do when it comes to their own damb culture. Plus, after reading SEM's chapter + looking around the internet to see how some other peeps interpret his role in the story, I find it... incredibly disrespectful n kinda shitty to take away the important religious meaning of his existence as embodiment of the "two mindness". N as Ive said in a different post before, I sorta lean more into the eastern faith than what is generally regarded as the western faith, so yanno

N thru this religious/philosophical meaning of him, pairin him up with Sun Wukong is Either like pairin two sibs together, or, honestly, pairin up an offspring with their mother if we aliken what the fuck went down with them to biology- seeing as SEM came out of SWK. Myths n legends r just weird like that n the book has a big myth/legend feel to it

But!

I've seen Other chinese peeps on other platforms either not minding them being paired up or actively shippin them. There's always going to be a wide pool of opinions on a topic, especially with such a giant audience as people who grow up with the Journey. After seein that there Is indeed a wider pool of opinions about this in the homeland of the book, Ive felt like I can kinda chill out with the metaphoric fist clenching and barking bout the whole situation (n proceed to more freely develop my own opinion)

Im not an asian, so I simply do not have the emotional connection to these characters like chinese people do and thats where the ones on tumblr base Their understandable and incredibly valid resentment (idk if thats the right word) from. They have a deep-rooted idea of those two that cant be shaken n there IS no reason to shake it at all either. Not having any of those things as a foreigner and seeing that its more of a loose situation, makes Me specifically more "eh, whatever I guess?" bout it

[I AM however not of an american/anglo-saxon roots either and even though my Own culture/folklore has been thru, basically, a genocide (that may or may not be still on-going honestly -pained sigh-), I understand the importance of the culture thats being kind of doubted/stained by sh@dowpeach. I do Get it to a certain fundamental level, yanno?]

N so because of the lack of connection to the specifically asian culture + still knowing how much it hurts to have ur culture disgraced + the wide pool of opinions From valid sources (the story's homeland's people) + the fact that sometimes interpretations will just simply vary from the source material n LMK has showcased multiple times that it is not interested in tracing the Journey's footsteps to the last letter, my final opinion on the ship is "Not for me, chief, das kinda yucky (but I guess I can't exactly jump your throat for it like I would with more blatantly direct incest)"

THOUGH I DO GOTTA ADMIT after the season 3 finale, after That One Scene, my No is stronger cuz if that wasnt a display of sib culture (+ what Xiaotian said) then Im a fuckin donkey

#Spot says stuff #'most well-detailed au ive seen in the fandom' actually made me squeel from happinESS LSKJGSLDGJLSDK #just AAAAAA -stims- IM DOIN MY WORK GOOD!!! IM DOIN MY THING!!!!!!! HEHEHEEEEEEEEEEEEE #either way i hope my answer is understandable enough captn! thank you for the ask

[lacehydrangeas]

edit: UMMMM just realized this never posted and instead went into my drafts. oops.

tagged by @glubbity (kinda) i’ve never done one of these and i thought it would be fun :o)

[instructions: tag ten followers you’d like to get to know better.] if u want to do this consider urself tagged...

gender: female! im cis but i dont mind they/them pronouns. i think gender IS something i need to put more thought into, but for now im comfortable presenting/being seen as a girl

star sign: im a scorpio babey!!! and if you have known me for more than 5 minutes its obvious. i like to think im a posterchild scorpio. my birthday is october 30, 2003, which i think is a very very good day to be born seeing as halloween is my favorite holiday and fall is my favorite season! im pretty excited to be turning 17 this year

height: 5′3 or 5′4 :o/ i wish i was taller SO bad. its been my dream since childhood to be like 6 foot... unfourtantly i think i might be done growing... my curse

sexuality: lesbian! i like girls very much. i used to identify as bi for most of middle school and then after kissing a dude and it making me sick to my stomach so i had a Realization freshman year. i think one of the sillier things that made me realize i was probably a lesbian is that i never felt comfortable doing one of the alignment charts... i would skip over them because something about saying “bisexual” didnt sit right

hogwarts house: i hate this question so fucking much. according to the official harry potter website i am a gryffindor but childhood me was crushed by that so i self-identify as a slytherin

favorite animal: CHINCHILLAS!!!!! i love chinchillas so fucking much... every time we had an animal project in middle school i would do mine on ‘chillas. did you know those guys fur is so thick they literally can’t get in water or they grow mold? thats why they do ash baths! while humans have one hair per follicle chinchillas have 50+ and fleas cant live on them because they would suffocate in the fur! thats why chinchillas r so soft... like little clouds. my second favorite animal would have to be rabbits... love them

average hours of sleep: when school was in session i would go to bed at like 10 and then wake up around 5, but now i go to bed at like 12 and wake up at like 8. so i usually get around 8 hours

current time: 11:13 am! im a California baby

dogs or cats?: god i love both so much but dogs win... both me and my mom r allergic to cats so i’ve never been able to have one but ive had lots of doggies! tigger, jasper, bailey, rosebud, pupcake...and a lot of my relatives have dogs! cats r very cute and sweet though and i love my neighbors cat even though cuddling her gives me hives

number of blankets you sleep with?: when its cold i sleep with two blankets and sometimes my comforter, and when its warm (like rn) i sleep with my thinnest blanket and my air conditioner on high. i can NOT sleep without a blanket and it needs to be cold. i always sleep the worse during summer

dream job?: i want to be a therapist... i want to be able to help people and psychology is so so so interesting to me. other careers i think would be fun: working at a zoo, professional scuba diver, working at one of those museums/activity centers where kids always go for field trips. you know the ones

when i created this blog: i think sometime in 7th grade? so like in 2017 i think? idk math. my first username was “just-a-tired-nerd” which i think is awful

follower count: 134!

why i created this blog: i thought that tumblr was THE place for gay people to go and i wanted to be around fellow homosexuals. also a friend had a tumblr and told me to make one

how i came up with my url: im so bad at usernames so its honestly kinda embarrassing trying to explain it LOL. i wanted a very ~aesthetic~ name (my previous user was aestheticallyjaded) and hydrangeas r my favorite flower! so i thought “ok whats pretty and feminine and also doesnt sound stupid?” and my brain went Lace! very recently i found out that lacecap hydrangeas r a type of hydrangea so i guess it all worked out in the end!

what do you love about yourself? (can’t be something you do for others): i love how true to myself i am! sometimes its a fault but ive always been very open about myself and my feelings. even if it makes me seem weird ive always acted and presented myself how i want to. when i create something (art/writing) i stay true to myself an express what i want to express. shoutout to all my old teachers who had to sit thru my short stories about lesbians xoxo

what kept you going through middle school? if it wasn’t hard, what was it like?: oh god middle school sucked so fucking bad. it was a really weird time of self discovery and absolute misery lol. i remember so many people whispering about me and talking behind my back because i was very open about being gay and it was when i first started getting really depressed. the only thing that really kept me going was art and nice teachers. ive always been a bit of a “teachers pet” so my teachers always liked me and treated me nicely. being able to have that kind of support and leeway really helped.

#aestheticchatter #this was fun... i like talking about myself

[flockofdoves]

list of webcomic recs for @gynandromorph based on what they said they might be interested in but also i’d rec these in general they’re all good

i honestly don’t read much furry stuff beyond your work?? not on purpose its just the circles i tend to find things in are more human character centric i guess so sorry theres not many furry comics on here even though i know you said you have a preference for them

also sorry for word salad, i have pretty bad brain fog today lol but i hope this is legible/helpful!!

finding home - one of my top favorite currently updating comics tbh and i’m even more confident in saying that now after just an hour ago reading beyond whats currently posted publicly by finishing the second volume i got in its recent kickstarter. i love the scenery and atmosphere of this comic and i love the care put into developing the main characters and their relationship and backstories and trauma and stuff. everything in this from the page layouts to the dialogue to the worldbuilding feels really well thought out imo

buuza - less than a year old still so i’m only just starting to get a real feel for it but i’m excited for seeing whats to come. i know you said with your vision certain art styles can be harder to read and i feel like that could be a problem with this though?

charity case - one of the comics i read that i most consistently appreciate for how effective its art and page layouts are

non sequitur - not a story or anything just a bunch of one shot comics but their concepts are always so fun and creative

fables and tales - same thing as last one, a bunch of one shot comics

backdoor - on hiatus right now but while i always enjoyed it, as its gone along i’ve become a lot more invested in it and the creator was always good but continues to improve in art and story telling really markedly imo

decale - story isn’t very far along but i love the character designs and the characters are all so expressive and the way the creator animates some panels is a lot of fun imo

sakana - one of the currently updating comics ive been keeping up with for the longest time, its a lot of fun and i like the character designs a lot

i know you prefer consistently updating ones but for a few finished ones theres

puu - one of my all time favorites, it went places i didn’t expect from reading it when it only had a couple updates. really beautiful

hotblood - i love the art and paneling in this one and its sequel zarco a lot, the one thing worth mentioning but not necessarily a bad thing is the main characters are like (intentionally) not very likeable people kdjfgfhkdf but its so pretty

shootaround - one of my all time favorite comics its storytelling really got to me

also theres definitely a lot of comics that i need to catch up with again that feel like they might be more something you might like than a lot of the ones i’m currently up to date with just because i lost a lot of my RSS feed bookmarks a while back and then the ones i didnt immediately remember to bookmark again i fell behind on and i’ve honestly not felt like i’ve had the energy to pay attention to comics that are more serious/really conscious in developing plot and such over the past year and have more just read a lot of lighthearted stuff to fill the time or comics i kept up with on tapas instead of through RSS bookmarks. i really want to get back into a lot of comics but for the time being i feel weird reccing things that i’m over a year behind on (or longer, some of these i last was into mid high school so idk how they hold up) so uhhhh Disclaimer most of these i’m behind on by 2+ years even though i really want to get back into them but really quickly theres

dead end (finished now i think)

espaced (on hiatus)

o human star

widdershins

goodbye to halos

this is probably way too long sorry about that!! i get really excited about comics

i hope this can be of some use and also i just want to say thank you for making your comics, you’re one of my favorite comic creators and i admire and am inspired by your work a lot

#cpost #webcomic blogging #long post -

[cruddyborderlandstheories]

athenas or the new ign videos... hmmm

im gonna go for the ign videos (moze gameplay and sanctuary-iii, no guns yet, i have a reason for that) because athenas hasn’t gotten its sweet instagram video yet. once that’s released i’ll do a full post on it. by the time i got around to finishing this post, they had released the video. oh boy... gonna do the gun post then the athenas post, i think. alright, off we go.

tl;dr: we read the entire end user agreement DAHL thrusts upon us for using the ECHO device, talk about some stuff like how (spoilers) it seems like Lilith will be getting her powers back at the end of the game, and a voice line Lily says that sounds like “Tyreen took my powers. it’s like Tannis said: [inaudible] Siren” (altho im not 100% sure on the [inaudible] part because 1) it sounds weird and 2) there’s a drum beat and also the devs are talking over her, the Siren part seems fairly accurate because of the way her mouth moves). so you know. im gonna be agonizing over that until i can hear what she says. ive already spent an hour just repeating it over and over. i nearly fell asleep lol

we’re gonna start with the moze gameplay (the first 14 minutes of bl3) because chronologically it’s first in both timeline and release date

i love the license plates on the right there

also it looks like they added in claptrap’s old welcome sign from windshear waste! time to stand in front of it for 30 minutes to see if any messages pop up like bl2

fast travel station as well, definitely going to see if/where i can teleport and going there immediately. i imagine this is more for DLC stuff and grinding tho.

also! i do believe we saw Covenant Pass previously. good to know this is actually where it is!

Marcus saying “And Welcome to Pandora!” in the beginning confirms that, yes, they’re going to be on a bus!! i wonder if there will be a fight scene before that though. it’s interesting Clappy mentions that “those jerks who tried to murder you are the children of the vault!” so i mean... there’s gotta be... right?

im also convinced this intro is going to be a mirror of Borderlands 1. i stg if it starts out with the first few notes of Ain’t No Rest for the Wicked and then swaps songs I’m going to lose my mind

also also, the order is totally going to mimic the bl1 one. Fl4k = Mordecai, Amara = Lilith, Moze = Roland, Zane = Brick. We even have Lilith taking Angel’s spot as the mysterious voice in our heads, and probably Marcus driving, AND being dropped off at a bus stop.

bet the reason they changed it from ‘Moze as the Bot Jock’ to ‘Moze as the Gunner’ is because it fits under ‘Roland as the Soldier’ better. Also, ‘Zane Flynt as Himselfs’ would be a play off ‘Brick as Himself’. Amara as the Siren is obvious, and ‘Mordecai as the Hunter’ vs ‘Fl4k as the Beastmaster’ is pretty similar as well, given Fl4k has all those Hunter skills.

the 4 basic emotes im guessing. im so glad we have the option to boop our friends in the face with emotes.

also moze’s little bunny skin is adorable

the ECHOnet used to be called “Riftspace”, “the Spline”, and... “MercTel: A Cyber-Dahl Joint” lmfao

specifically calls out Pandora. also, “artificial megastructures”??? THAT’S SO COOL

AND FUCKING

SENTIENT MEGASTRUCTURES???? 

gearbox. please. i have never ever wanted anything more in my life. please. it’s probably my birthday. PLEASE GEARBOX

also interesting that the user agreement specifically notes ‘Respawns’. I assume this is a joke because New-U stations have been confirmed not canon

“Core law”. Core law? Core... daddy? ... ????

core as in like a core government somewhere that’s not the border worlds? that’s interesting...

“The Legion”, okay, acknowledging TPS, that’s dope

“Project Blackrakk” ... im interested

“Thresher Company” lmao

im curious if Axton was apart of any of the mentioned ones. i don’t think it’s been stated, but i could be wrong

“Chieftain Oort”. also ‘Recently Legless Gary’, lmfao poor dude.

oh yeah im sure this is fine. also holy shit did they google the synonyms for ‘change’ and just start listing them? lmfao

“implicit subscription to the Digby Vermouth ‘Dig’s Gigs’ secret concert subscription service” 

sorry, what?

if this doesn’t come up again in the future- if we don’t get a spam letter or 3 in our mailbox about this concert subscription thing i'm gonna be so disappointed

Dahl hates you if you’re not a fan of hyper-jazz, “you snob” lmfao

my brain hurts, they’re good at writing these 

damn phones exist? i thought everything was ECHO. aight, that’s good to know. i guess there just aren’t any phone networks around the border worlds

also “shared dreamspaces” sound really cool

hm. that’s no good lmfao. also i love that the buttons are ‘Agree’ and ‘OK’. there is no escape, once you agree, you can’t even leave because you’re agreeing that you’re trapped with these rules even if you cancel.

that’s fucked up, DAHL. can’t believe you treat your user base the same way you treat your employees. i guess i shouldn’t be surprised.

anyway, shoutout to literally the only TOA I’ve ever fully read in my life.

also, clicking through this TOA too fast WILL end claptrap’s voice line early. so be careful if you want to hear what he has to say!!

oh shit lmao I gotta go edit that Fl4k post

ok im back ~time magic of being able to save things in drafts and post them at a later date~

sliding preserves momentum, so you can actually slide (nearly) the entire way down! i love this.

small, but claptrap bends his antennae when trying to be stealthy. i thought that was a pretty cool detail

“and some guns include an alternate shooting mode~! try it out!”

player: `immediately shoots claptrap in the face`

i died lol

a very nice look at this sign.

good to know that the twins really are tempting people to join with promises of food. i mean it makes sense, i imagine most of the cultists are desperate for stability and a reasonable life on pandora.

also, Shiv calls himself “holy influencer of the children of the vault” lol. i love that. gearbox really is going for the internet’s throat, isn’t it?

i do like that hovering over an NPC will give you their name only and not name/healthbar.

a better look at one of the signs referencing the Mother!!! i was waiting for this, the only real look we got at one was in that one scene with Moze and IB

“Behold the Mother strength surrender to the truth” 

yeah that’s not ominous...

i assume the mother and father are intended to be tyreen and troy? but idk how i feel about that implication...

i like the new little gear/spring effect for the magnet lol

new lilith! i know a lot of people don’t like it, but i do. she looks better than the bl2 vers. altho i think it’s weird they swapped both bl1 and bl2′s ‘AI’ effect to those dots and then didn’t bring it to BL3. the dots effect felt cleaner. curious why they’re not applying it to bl3 when they went thru all that effort in 1 and 2.

... back up please.

i like that there is a changing icon for long pressing now

“time to check out our slay of the day!” sounds like Tyreen but tbh i legit thought this was moze’s reaction to opening the chest at first lol 

you can hear someone start screaming in agony while she’s walking up the stairs, so i know it’s not moze, but im so used to the VHs talking when they see a new piece of loot my brain just assumed.

also THE MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND IS A REMIX OF BANDIT SLAUGHTER!!! IM SO HAPPY ABOUT THIS I WAS FREAKING OUT THE FIRST TIME I HEARD IT

also, claptrap when dropping health yells “this could save your life! then, you’ll owe me a life debt!” bullshit im pretty sure you already decided we owed you a life debt the moment we stepped off that bus

“i see it... the great vault” - a line from a cultist you kill

i know i mentioned in this post that the Great Vault may be already opened, but it could also just be a Vault they’re planning on opening and using the propaganda to convince the cultists to help them find it. 

“if you help us get this vault open, you’ll be handsomely rewarded! you’ll get superpowers! you’ll get regular meals! you’ll get money and guns and dates!” you know, the usual stuff. 

either way, elevating the Vault to a higher state (god/heaven/whatever) makes sense if you’re running a cult.

btw there is a hidden chest in the scaffolding to the left of the door, if you’re interested in grabbing some better guns before shiv. personally, i’ll be using the toy guns.

also the TVs are actually playing propaganda now!!

this one is asking questions that i cant understand due to the sound effects of the chest and claptrap talking, but it says something about “... the dust? ... join the Children of the Vault!”

“hey shiiiiiv all your dumb friends are dead!!”

shiv be like

“all my friends are dead”

some cool level-up art! I notice these are the same pictures as used on the japanese site. i wonder if they change depending on which VH you’ve picked (If you’re playing Amara/Fl4k, do you get pics of Amara and Fl4k? the player is playing moze, afterall).

also also “it’s a KIA on the knife wielding maniac. suuuper dead.” 

it’s cool that the VHs have specific lines for the deaths of bosses. i hope that continues and it’s not just a ‘15 min of intro gameplay’ thing. you know, where everything is super detailed in the beginning and then slowly gets less and less as the game progresses? anyway, moze’s little chuckle is fuckin adorable lol

ah. the door closes now so you can’t even explore Shiv’s room before Lilith shows up. gearbox plS you know me too well, i was looking for a g l i m p s e

claptrap’s voice line for getting released is SUPER off time, he hits the ground before going “you did it! i’m sa-ahhhhhhhh!” it’s weird, wondering if that’s just a glitch.

also also we get a nice listen to the revive ally sound. i could’ve sworn it wasn’t in the first look at this mission we got, because i heard it for the first time during the coop Zane/Amara gameplay on Promethea. i might be wrong, tho.

im very curious what these symbols are claptrap is beaming up

i mean you know what im gonna say

they look eridian

and they do

so wtf clappy why u beaming up eridian letters to Lilith

i assume maybe Tannis gave clappy some weird upgrade or something so he could communicate with the crimson raiders without the CoV listening in? it could be that Tannis or someone is decoding this message since Tannis does know how to translate Eridian (as shown in her bl1 ECHOs)

... or at the very least she gave Lilith a translator

the darkening makes it so that you can see the crackening. also this COULD just be a beam that lilith can see from wherever she is, but i want to believe there’s more eridian stuff. bc eridian stuff is fun.

this is so fu cking crisp im dying i love it

lilith’s tattoos spreading down her fingers

same symbol as her chest tattoo. maybe the symbol denotes new powers? like how lily has one on her chest for phasewalking, and a new one on her hand for teleportation

i love how her wings look like actual fire. i fucking love this

lilith is looking so fucking good in the new engine

im glad they got rid of her super red eyes, tbh it looked a bit weird

i think they are really pushing her fire affinity, im sure we’ll see Maya has an elemental affinity as well (im calling corrosive) and im sure Tyreen will too (slag). Amara looks to be Shock because that’s her ‘default’, but who knows until (if) bl4 comes out. but corrosive wings on maya would look SOOO fucking cool. please. please please please.

god she looks so good compared to bl2. i love how the tattoos softly glow in the dark, too. i gotta play this mission late in the day...

“you’re... the voice in my head, right?” i love this so much, i really hope my shitpost comes true.

lilith gives you a grenade mod for completing her mission! im really glad they are PUSHING through the tutorial/intro so you can get right into the game. bl2′s ‘intro’ of all these tutorials was brutal. especially waiting to unlock your action skill.

in 3 you get your action skill automatically at level 2!!! which is insane, i love it! they’re jumping right into it, it’s great. and they seem to be pushing for you to get all the stuff you need right away. 

it’s curious to note that in bl3 we get our class mods at the end of the Promethea demo (after Gigamind), since in bl2 you get your first (usually?) after the hunting the firehawk mission and both seem to take place immediately after we get to the ‘base of operations’ of the game (Sanctuary vs Sanctuary-III).

yep that quest is 100% in line with the quest marker. 

i imagine From the Ground Up may be discovering where the Vault Map/Key actually is? maybe bringing people to the Recruitment Center (notably Tannis)

for this scene. i hope this takes place after the HBC, because i seriously... can’t imagine the twins showing up, taking the Vault Map, bringing it to the HBC, and then NOT taking Lilith’s powers/trying to kill Lily and accidentally taking her powers. it just doesn’t make sense, Vault Hunters be damned, we are level 2 they could melt us easy peasy. 

If anything, it feels like we COULD find the Vault Map in the Recruitment Center, Tannis tries to activate it/fix it, we find out it’s mega broke, and then the Sun Smashers show up and take it. but i seriously can’t imagine Lilith nor the new VHs allowing that to happen while they’re still there. maybe if Tannis sends us to do something while Lilith is gathering other CR members? then it could make sense if they attack while Tannis is alone with the Key...

OR

we end up finding something in Shiv’s room that shows/helps us realize the Sun Smashers bringing the Vault Map to the Calypsos. tho this would mean the quest From the Ground Up is SUPER short and I imagine it’s not. Maybe we raid a camp of theirs like the one in front of Sanc-III with the bridge/ramp? We need to be about level 6 before we go and we start From the Ground Up at 2 so there’s obviously something DEEP we’re missing here. maybe this is a mission where we go gather the other Crimson Raiders? HMMMMMMMM...

.... oh.

nevermind lmfao

she opens her ECHO immediately after this LOL i feel kinda dumb now

raiding their camp it is! the Droughts sounds like a fun location. Very much like the dust. you guys think there’s a Shade situation going on there? i’m excited to see it. Still think we’re going to use Shiv’s room to get that lead, though. i just really wanna watch tv lmfao. i hope this means the bandits run from the camp to the HBC, or we find info that the bandit warchief sent a party to the HBC with the Vault Map. either way, i just don’t want the twins showing up until after the HBC or i will have so many questions. “why didn’t you kill lilith?” being the first. “the god queen wants her head!” ur goddamn right she does, so why doesn’t she (try to) kill lilith???

85% already?! hot damn

also

that’s one badass description there, Moze

also also

while having gun slots locked is pretty normal, im surprised they’re locking class mods and relics, too! i wonder when we’ll be able to equip relics. maybe when we first go to eden-6 or smth. or maybe after we meet up with Rhys. shit maybe he’s just handing us an artifact (im gonna interchange these a lot, sorry!) in that Promethea video lmfao

“ready to chuck some boom and frag some maniacs” lol moze i love you

if you’re playing Zane... `equips grenade mod for checkmark` `immediately equips second action skill and never actually uses grenade mod`

“it’s the firehawk! the god queen wants her head!” 

like i alluded to before, i would not be surprised if Tyreen doesn’t know she can absorb Siren powers... when she goes to succ lilith in front of Sanctuary-III, it’s totally possible she actually was trying to kill her. That could explain why she looks so intrigued at her hand like “oh shit okay lets see what this can do”

might be why she was okay with sending her cultists after her instead of showing up herself.

“alright, we got a foothold. maybe things are turning our way. come on killer, you’re with me” we are going to explore the SHIT out of shiv’s room.

alright alright alright

let’s move on to the Sanctuary-III stuff

yessss

i love the quest objective thing, it looks like we will be able to swap through our quests with the push of a button! also im curious why exactly we’re going to promethea right away. i wonder if the twins say something about moving there after getting the vault map/lilith’s powers, or if we hear from rhys. im expecting something about the vault map, since our vh will admit they don’t know rhys at all when talking to lorelei. but for some reason we need to be within the city limits? since lily says ellie got us within the city limits. 

hmmmmmm. okay, okay, maybe the map was trying to lead us to promethea for vault reasons during that short amount of time that we had it and it was working. maybe promethea is what we see when tannis is activating the key during that one cutscene? ohhh shit how dope would it be if we got that fucking easter egg message? omg “Children of the Vault. Come to Promethea. We are not on Pandora anymore. Tannis is not what she seems. Do not open the Vaults.” and everyone is like ‘uh did that thing just mention Tannis by name??’ and now it’s REALLY important to get the map back just so we can figure out wtf it’s trying to tell us. 

i will question how ‘Tannis is not what she seems’ would affect character relationships, especially if it’s said so early in the game. so perhaps we only hear the first part of the message. maybe it’s corrupted because it was recently broken. iunno. just playing around with ideas. the canon of this game is like flarp putty until sept. 13th

anyway moving on because this is literally the first f r a m e of the video

i like that you can see pandora’s eridian scar. if the destroyer is speaking through eridium to people, it’s gonna bust outta the side of this planet like you wouldn’t fucking believe lmao. eridium is a window to the soul and if you stare long enough into its glossy, shining sides, the destroyer stares back

that or it’s just like a beacon, slowly spreading its influence across the universe. but i like the idea that the destroyer can waltz out of a big enough hunk of eridium. so it will bust out of pandora’s eridium scar. F in chat for pandora but also lmfao the amount of tentacles and rage would be unparalleled.

reality is that the twins are probably farming this scar for eridium to turn into slag for multiple purposes. like brainwashing their cultists, giving them powers, and ensuring their guns have their manufacturer’s quirk (im getting to this in my next post bc im just gonna compile all the ign gun videos into one big post)

the floor art is different from the actual sanc-iii demo. i mention this first in my behind closed doors panel analysis, but im gonna mention it again because this is ~official~. the floor list on the first walkthru of sanc-iii we got had the names of all the crimson raiders and lines leading to their shops. so we had the infirmary/tannis, marcus, moxxi, etc listed on the floor. i imagine this new sanc-iii will change as we get more people on board or if we do a sort of re-decoration of the ship.

also also, it’s cool to see that we have 4 rooms on the minimap, likely one for each of the VHs (and your coop buddies). ive seen speculation that the other, non-played VHs will hang out in their rooms when you’re not playing them, and tbh i really hope this is the case.

we also know this version of sanctuary-iii is after pandora, so there are no promethea citizens aboard yet. which makes me double certain the first sanc-iii video we got takes place either after endgame (explaining why Lily has her tattoos back) or right after Athenas (explaining why Maya is there). which... i mean... spoilers, guys. 

that’s one good lookin fast travel station, holy shit

im in tears over here because “Caution: no steppy”. this is so fucking funny to me

no steppy on me

okay moving on because i will cry laugh over this for forever im allowed

moze’s room is so much different than amara’s

also i notice she’s on the left of the two on the top, which makes me hope the other 4 are reserved for the other VHs (or your coop buddy).

compared to the official sanc-iii demo video

and amara’s room

moze’s is so barren oh my god

someone get this girl like... a colorful throw pillow or something

baaank. also doubles as the secret stash. kinda upsetting, because that is infinitely less loot i can store when i make a lot of characters. also if i upgrade the bank once, is it upgraded across all my other characters too? or are the guns i put in storage slot 11 locked up until i buy the upgrade?

either way, i am saddened because no more mule characters. and way less space the more characters you make and more gear you find, because all gear you put in here is there across all characters. i hope this means our backpacks will be a lot bigger this time around!

supamax mfg shows up again

ppm/04-02 matches up with the number behind the fast travel station. i wonder if this will come into play. if the number changes later in-game im going to freak the fuck out bc that means wherever we are isn’t actually sanctuary-iii

ppm/04-02. remember that 👀

also, the wall behind the golden chest changed from red to steel/greenish. can’t tell the actual color. same as the floor

you know. that color.

“golden keys are popular. you can get some in-game and also get them online”

in-game you say??? im interested! i wonder if there will be some sort of arena (like moxxi’s) where if you complete it you get a key as a reward. i saw people speculating about some sort of randomized boss rush, that could definitely be a way to get gold keys, as well.

oooo engine room! im excited to explore here.

original size is 16. so, we have 40 backpack slots! still... you know... only 1 above the max of bl2, but hey. at least that’s an upgrade. as small as it may be

on the bright side: bank upgrades increase capacity by 5. with a base of 10, and 8 upgrades, we have 50 slots to fill. which is a big leap from the original 24. it is still a shame we have to share these across characters, tho

offline cultist stream? makes me think the CoV really was trying to steal/take over sanc-iii from the crimson raiders and we went to go take it (back?) in Taking Flight. either the CoV found/ordered Sanc-III, or the crimson raiders were building it/fixing it up, their stronghold got taken over, and the CoV were prepping it for takeover.

the shooting range. and if you notice that little CoV symbol in the bottom left there? yeah pretty much backs up my previous theory

all those red bits are tied to ellie’s crew challenge. so we’ll be collecting things for her!

an altar for scooter 😢

“we’re gonna get those cultism sumbitches, believe you me”

where you get yeeted out of Sanc-III. im definitely going to try jumping in it to see if it kills me. doesn’t look like the drop pods are available yet

that’s not clappy, pretty sure he’s hanging out on the bridge right now

schematics for veronica

the thing i was most excited about in this video!

loooots of customizations! which excites me because i know eridium used to get useless late game when you’ve grinded all the raid bosses. it looks like eridum is going to be in ultra high demand. but u can bet ur ass im gonna be unlocking all those fucking customizations asap.

veteran rewards is also super super interesting

hgggggg i wanna know what the shields do!!! 

i like the vault symbol at the top of the item card as well, shows you its a special type of weapon/item. im honestly surprised we’re able to buy ‘veteran rewards’ so early in the game? i mean obvi we won’t have enough eridium (look at the costs!) but it’s wild it’s even accessible. im personally a fan of the first bonus ‘anointed: gain life steal on action skill end’

looks like these guns have been chosen

to give them those special bonuses

i do see that just anointed is not class specific, but the ones that say anointed gunner or maybe anointed siren will be (confirmed by the devs in video).

you pay with eridium, so maybe the vending machine has some way to confer the power of eridium to the guns. or some shit. iunno. it’s possible this won’t be available until the end of the game, hence veteran rewards, and is only being shown to us right now since this is a showcasing video.

pandoran civilian. no promethea civilians today folks! i am CONVINCED that the old sanc-iii demo takes place after the end of the game. at least after athenas.

it’s weird seeing moxxi hanging outside her bar.

is also cool to know that the 4 slot machines are actually available. seems like npcs can play them, but we can use all 4 if we want to. which is really nice

the one on the far left is called the ‘loot boxxer’ and it gives mostly guns lol. i see they are taking jabs. good for them

better pic of the leftmost machines

Zer0 seems to have a bounty board? not sure if this is like a physical bounty board or if they will contact you when they want something dead, but it is cool to note. this isn’t shown in video, just the devs speaking about it.

similarly hammerlock has ‘big game hunts’ where you find “rare, challenging creatures” and kill them for him

apparently we’ll be killing something known as a manvark

this book

i fucking recognize this book

HAMMERLOCK NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

in all seriousness tho

hammerlock probably isn’t in his room because we haven’t rescued him from eden-6 yet.

a cool thing about the crew challenges: as you progress through the game and do these challenges, sanc-iii will ‘grow and change to reflect the things you’ve accomplished’. altho another dev says “sometimes these are optional things, like challenges” 

so now im like oh shit we’re gonna change sanc-iii as we play the game. i wonder if that means we’ll be changing the hull, too. because you know. the blue paint job. we gotta go STEALTH. sneaky beaky into the calypsos fleety

tannis doesn’t have the saurian on her table. also, interesting note, she DOES have the eridian log in the corner. meaning she must have had that before eden-6. interesting... maybe we’ll find more on Pandora.

she is still covered in blood tho. idk i don’t have an explanation for that. don’t think i want to think of one, to be quite honest.

oh no. (those are skulls next to all the gurneys)

“tannis plays a much bigger role in bl3 than she has in past games”. bigger than borderlands 1? that is... impressive. she’ll be running the health vending machines (which is weird bc i could’ve sworn in the promethea demo, zed was still running them... hm.)

another angle of sanc-iii

clappy? you good there?

the devs said they’re using him to plug a hole. i assume the calypsos shot at the ship as we’re leaving or smth.

lily with no tattoos, who also looks significantly more pissed than her other sanc-iii demo counterpart

you know. because she got her tattoos.

also

fucking

lilith says something right here. all i can make out is “Tyreen took my powers. it’s like tannis said. ..... [inaudible] Siren.” maybe some weird word i haven’t heard before? i swear she’s saying ‘like tannis said: a ‘m...’ Siren” but i am not 100% sure. if someone could help me out, that’d be rad.

so its sounding like lilith rushed in with explicit warning from tannis about tyreen stealing her powers, and tannis knew tyreen was some sort of Siren and warned lily, but lily didn’t listen. it could also be that lily is saying something like “im not a siren” but i can’t really hear it if she is. it sounds like she saying a word that starts with m to me. if someone could help me with this i’d owe you my life

whew. i am. fucking TIRED.

im gonna sleep for like 3 hours and then wake up and make food before the fl4k streams start.

#borderlands #bl3 #borderlands 3

[transrightsjimin]

Baby blue and teal!!✨✨

hi! sorry for answering these so late but i was watching Sabrina (the 90s ver) yesterday!

also sorry im going down awful memory lane in this post so it’s getting long

Baby blue - what’s the best compliment that you’ve ever recieved?

uhhh oh god this is rly difficult bc most of the compliments i’ve gotten throughout my life are abt me being good at drawing or being smart but like… these compliments feel so meaningsless to me bc ive heard them so often so i dont know how to respond genuinely to it anymore. uhhh this is rough. i dont remember positive things nvm positive things abt myself i guess. i mean nowadays i do respond well to positive feedback on my academic writing (though i dont feel deserving of this feedback bc i half-ass everything last minute) and when ppl like my makeup. i like both of the latter bc i actually put effort in that and look forward to hearing i did it well, but being able to draw well ever since i could hold a pen or being smart are things i’m used to and are just… traits, things that just are and say nothing about my accomplishments. i know ppl on this site keep saying making art (by that they only mean digital fan drawings lol) is not abt just being able to do it bc of talent but the result of hard work and that ppl don’t have natural talent and i see what they mean (you dont get better w/o practice) but just… rly dont agree w that bc i cant remember ever working hard on illustrations or drawings, its all rly easy to me and always has been.

uhh anyway, i dont rly know but smth good abt my papers or makeup makes me feel satiated. i do rly like it when someone says smth insightful about my illustrations or merchandise beyond just ‘you can draw well’! i love compliments but i dread ‘you can draw so well’ and ‘youre so smart’ :/

Teal - what’s something horrible that everyone should try once?

uhhh idk what the op of that post referred to w this one bullet, and i think my answer is hard to seek out yourself, bc it depends on the reactions of others. but i think it’s good for everyone to be held accountable for saying or doing something horrible. the first thing i thought of when i saw this question was when i was a kid in primary school and said smth terribly racist / islamophobic. i knew it was horrible, and i wasn’t sure why i blurted it out, like i didn’t intend on saying it bc i was just repeating a lot of things i heard but pasting ‘i hate’ in fron of it whenever i felt depressed, but that was no excuse ofc. my classmate heard me mumble it and yelled through the class that i said it and i was taken out of class and had to talk to the principle. it was a horrible moment, not like for me or anything, but bc a lot of muslim classmates were hurt and i was frustrated w the white moms of classmates, who told me i didn’t have to apologize bc the rest of the class was bullying me and one mom compared it to saying there’s also nothing wrong w saying “i don’t like elephants” and i was like no but that’s not like this case at all!!! and i apologized to the class and it has been one of the worst moments in my life but it stuck w me bc i was held accountable for something horrible and thought of it later on in life too when i hurt someone’s feelings / said smth bigoted and think before i speak and know i can’t just act like / say i hate everything bc ppl are hurt by that.

so yeah, i think it’s horrible but good for everyone to be hold accountable for their actions and learn to apologize. it’s weird to say everyone should “try” it once though bc it makes it sound in this case like i’m recommending to seek out offending others and as if you have a guarantee you will be called out (which is sadly not always the case).

sorry these were very long answers but i tend to write for a while lol

#darknwildsupremacist #asks #thank you for the ask btw!!

[unproduciblesmackdown]

3 am’s a crazy time for it but it occurs to me i may as well give a heads up that i am like, for real at the present assuming that i’m gonna like, sometime in the very near future here be going offline again, in that sort of my ~plan~ (my one-step plan) is seeing if i can get myself on a bus (hopefully) and see if that can get me to the west coast. and from there i’ll just be like, well here i am in a place i’ve never been before, being unhoused for the second time but this time not living in my car, which is a bit different than living right out in the open, which i’ve never done. this, for example, is why i was looking up how to do makeshift stp devices. way easier to be able to pee wherever you are than have to find a place you can drop your whole pants, or an actual bathroom. apparently cutting the end off one of those plastic liquid medicine measuring things with the sorta spoon at its mouth works. anyways

i suppose it hasn’t necessarily showed but for a few weeks now i’ve def been feeling The Impending Pressure and it was getting down to the wire there not knowing if the Last Day Online would spring itself on me suddenly. but i can at least say i think i’ll have a days warning now and be able to say something with at least a matter of hours forewarning and not like, a matter of minutes. its been sorta wild though like, sorta assuming its like a Two Days Remain situation and in the midst of the unpredictability of depression, trying to just enjoy things as they’re happening, the simple stuff like chatting with people and being able to put my bullshit thoughts online...cranking out a fic chapter because it’s at least a better place to leave it hanging than it wouldve been otherwise.....just consuming this content that’s enjoyable and chill af.......i tell ya what—both in terms of being Fun and Anxiety-Reducing and Good Distractions and also, a great opportunity just to be talking to people on the daily which has been and continues to be absolutely fantastic—having been On that deh/etc will roland train for the past couple months has been a total gift. it was some great luck stumbling into that, seriously

anyways it’s weird! it’s weird thinking just like, i’ll suddenly do this thing and be on the other coast and just step out and be somewhere i don’t know and with no particular destination and maybe the lgbt center i looked up will at least tell me whats the best area to be in, sometimes they’re in the know abt that re: where’s a better spot to be homeless in than others. and from there, y’know, all i’ve been doing for years and all i can continue to do is absolutely wing it. and it’s funny that this all seems slightly less intimidating to me than it wouldve like, a year or two ago (even tho two yrs ago i was technically homeless lol but living in my car so like i said its different from living Right on the street) but honestly, obviously, it’s still very intimidating because how could it not be. i’m maybe not AS anxious but i’m still anxious and even though i know i could do it, i’d be stressed tf out and anxious as hell and shit while i was doing it. i mean, a crosscountry bus ride alone—i’ve never done that!! what if i mess up switching over to a different connecting ride between stations. bus and train bathrooms unnerve me, god forbid i have to get past someone to get to the aisle to GO to the bathroom. and, yknow, just a really long bus ride—how do you manage to sleep, how do i manage not to fall asleep at the wrong time cuz i doubt there’s an attendant telling you to get off at the right stop. though god knows it’s somewhat arbitrary where i’m deciding to go, i have no especial connection in one particular place over another, i think i have an uncle and cousin in CA but i don’t have the first idea where and i don’t know them at all

ugh. like there’s no actual way to feel good about it but if i’m gonna go somewhere it might as well be in a completely different place and i could try the west coast and i’m not one for making careful plans or thinking that making careful plans about your life works unless you’ve already got a lot of control about your situation, which i don’t. and it’s always been p inevitable that i wind up “properly” homeless, and it happens, and i don’t pretend it doesn’t scare me, but what are you gonna do? c’est ca que c’est / la vie. this way there’s a chance that A Big Change might lead the way for something better, and like hey if i die or some shit i die, which has always been a possibility anyways for the past like 6-7 years especially, what with how shitty i’ve felt lol. but i have no attachment where i’m at now and just. it’s hard to explain i guess if you’re not in the kind of place where i’m at but there’s not a lot of choices in the first place so, if i can choose the location, if it can be somewhere new where i MIGHT like to be for once, that’s better than not. and somehow so far i’ve managed to go with the flow surrounding big changes and sometimes wild situations, even if i’ve felt like crap and been super worried sometimes too. i don’t know for how many years now i’ve been Not assuming i’d be alive by the next year, but here i am having gotten this far, at least. it’s fairly impressive even if i don’t have any amazing achievements. believe it or not i’m pretty satisfied with my Achievements as just like, dumbass blog posts and fic/art and occasionally contributing something someone enjoys and getting to talk to people sometimes. it’s how i’ve been able to enjoy myself in the midst of some really awful times for the past like 6 yrs and i’ve appreciated it every day i’ve gotten to surf the net

like i guess it’s like haha, nerd, that half of what i’m worried about is being offline. but it’s a big deal being able to connect w the world beyond your immediate reach and distract yourself and say things and maybe even Enjoy yourself and also actually get to talk to people. but hey sometimes even people who live on the street manage to snag wifi connections somehow. i’d have to ask them how, lol. but, yknow, like i said, for a couple weeks especially it’s been like , Not Assuming I’ll NOT Lose Internet Connection and thus really trying to bear down on appreciating it. not like being offline for 5 months or so didn’t also make me appreciate it extra already. i was gonna say i survived it but i did get wildly depressed throughout like, august? september? probably both lol. anyways. what i’m trying to say i guess is that i’m not actually assuming i’ll be okay, but that only means so much because like, not to sound dramatic but i’ve pretty much never been okay on account of ive been just a half step away from living on the streets ever since leaving my parents house where i’d previously lived my whole life, which was an abusive situation. and also the depression and the years of really wanting to die which, at least 2018 didn’t have TOO much of that, in terms of feeling like it might be impending. now i can’t really be bothered, i’m just floating along and if i die i die, right. what i’m trying to say is, there’s not really any Good Proper option to choose where i’m definitely okay, so it’s basically about choosing between bad options, and with this choice i might at least like the location a little better, change of scenery, not as cold as here, i dunno. there’s not a way to just choose my way into being okay. it’s all a roll of the dice anyhow

also it’s weird but one thing about being on my own is it takes the pressure off me in certain ways and it’s a bit easier for me to Do things. if there’s anyone else to answer to in any way, i tend to just not ever decide anything and definitely don’t pursue anything. i’m one of those ppl who either has to live alone or with ppl they’re really really really comfortable with, and since i don’t have the latter around and nobody especially me can afford the former, it’s like, well, how is not everybody homeless anyway, right? and people do it. because yknow, you have to do it, it’s suddenly just your situation and somehow people get through every day. idk. learn as you go. what can ya do. it’s choosing between various bad options, i could also just wander into the mountains and die, but i’d rather not, and offing myself is Way a hassle, and also would be difficult, same as dying of exposure/dehydration in this middle of nowhere patch of mtns. i might as well try my luck at being in a place where you COULD maybe survive or something, and where i could at least feel like, if i do manage to have any good things happen, i would even possibly want to be in that area and be more comfortable living there. i have no roots anywhere and only have a No Zone (near my parents house) and so its sorta like, pick a random place to be!! lol. ahhhh

what can i say. it also sucks having to think “boy, in addition to not dying, hope i don’t get physically/sexually assaulted—also, how do people get water??” but......such is the way that it is. i don’t know. i don’t think anybody looks at impending homelessness and goes “i’m okay about this and not at all afraid.” and it’s strange to talk about how this is sort of ~by choice~ but it’s not exactly, in that i didn’t choose to only have abusive family and how even though i was working while living in my car it would never have been enough for rent probably even if i had someone to split it with and i also didn’t choose to not be rich in the first place and *the economy...... .png*

sigh. i dunno, it’s hard because i can’t talk about it a right way or long enough and get to a point i don’t feel intimidated or upset that once i Go Offline i’ll for real just be on my own unless and until i manage to get online for a moment again, in which case i’ll still be on my own, but i’ll feel a bit less alone, ha ha

anyways. speaking of trying to appreciate the simple pleasures of talking about whatever weird shit i wanna talk about and pushing myself to draw/write as it feels like it gets even more down to the wire—time to do that! 4 am and time to draw this weird meme & hopefully crank out the rest of this oneshot & maybe even draw again, and maybe again—it’s cool cuz i slept weird the other night and then got again weirdly tired in the afternoon and took a long depression nap w sorta fun, sorta bizarre dreams. augh. so at least i figure i’m just cruisin now, Not Sleeping-wise

i might have to ask a favor eventually in that there’s something really super simple i ought to look up, but i’d have a ton of trouble making myself do so because of anxiety, yknow how it is. but i’ll ask that if and when i ask it

#ugh..... #i feel like it was right before or after xmas when i watched that vid about Will R talking about his film role playing a homeless guy #and he got like seven words into it and like as soon as i processed it i burst into tears lol....RIP #it’s 4 am what’s upppp...more like WHO’S up

[rileyomalley]

I have been having....a week

Mind you alot of it is online, but that doesn’t deter the fact that it makes me mentally tired when I’m already trying to handle enough.

Now of course ya’ll have seen me in highs and lows keeping work going so that’s just kind of a norm these days but:

From time to time I like to send out to my feed my curious.cat (a place where people can ask you questions which is pretty fun!), and sometimes I’ll get the weird ones, some simple ones, or ones that really make me think. Recently had an inquiry on why did certain things for/towards a friend. The context in question I wasn’t sure if I felt up to answering publicly, so I asked if they’d come off anon. I’m really honestly happy to explain anything to anyone, but when you start to get passive aggressive at me, then what do you really expect from me? Yes I’ve publicly done nice/sweet things for my friends, but maybe as far as explanations go I’d prefer to talk about them privately??? Even if I’ve posted some curious cat answers publicly on twitter???

Aside from that, I get two other inquiries from people elsewhere on the internet (various places I sell my art and what not)

One asking me a question regarding my OCs and some explicit content described Im not saying here. Safe to say I laughed it off at first and did not answer them after getting their inquiry. I wasn’t going to put the time towards it. Maybe a day later or so getting this, I get a warning about the same person, from another user:

“ He even posted journals complaining about them saying no to him and is prone to arguing with everyone with the logic a rapist and sexual predator would use to legitimize his behavior. He will also not shy away from hate speech to provoke reaction from anyone who gives him a shred of attention. “ So yeah...WONDERFUL. GLAD IT DIDN”T GET FAR. Ive blocked him and will probably ticket his behavior on the site in question, because tbh that message he sent is sexual harassment and I want nothing to do with it.

Then the third was a hopeful commission inquiry that ended up being someone asking if I was willing to draw imagery that included a nazi insignia. Cordially declined while I internally screamed. Whether they wanted something with it that was against Nazis (which I mean, I’m all for) I was just...I didn’t want anything to do with it. I dont want my art associated with that. At all.

-

In not so short, I’m tired and I am still willing to explain things to those willing to listen. Otherwise I’m just trying to do what I can to finish up this month, keep working/getting commissions and what not. Shit like this makes me not want to deal with the day, or puts my moods/emotions at a low and into a rut. It makes me not want to interact and feel like a burden to people/friends I want to do things with. Is that...dumb? Idk. It’s alot. It makes me feel like I can’t interact with certain people, especially if someone is like ‘WHY YOU DOIN THIS ALL THE TIME LIKE GEEZE’

I rambled more than I meant but eeugh

#personal #I just #want to enjoy the rest of my month #and get shit covered #these things drain me honestly and makes it hard to want to do anything #vent

[likeadove]

Anonymous said: just wanted to tell u that i finished wcpah on a train and the fic almost made me miss my stop it was THAT good had to run off the last second hahahahah

Anonymous said: holy fuck bethany you have no idea I'm so sad about this book ending bc for real its gotten me through a lot these past few months (been reading since chap 6 baby) and honestly my only source of happiness after this will be nest of salt. From the bottom of my heart thank you so much for everything youve doen with this story. Its magnificent. (and you wrote the smut wonderfully don't even worry)

Anonymous said: I just can’t. So good. I already want to start begging for one shots.

Anonymous said: That was fkn stupendous and I am so grateful to be able to read your stories <3

Anonymous said: I actually screamed when I saw the lyrics for this chapter. Thank God none of my roommates are home because the whole thing had a me screaming/sobbing. Like how did you manage to make that so beautiful? I cried? They love each other so much and you showed that in the way they did it.

Anonymous said: ben and rey crying after doing it is the most canon thing ever canoned

Anonymous said: I just wanted to let you know that the most recent chapter of WCPAH is amazingly beautiful. it made me sad because ive never had that good of sex lol. your writing was fantastic, everything felt so real and i think you waited until the perfect time in their story for this to happen. you did a fantastic job! Thanks for sharing it with us! :)

Anonymous said: that ending killed me oh my gosh. im smiling like an idiot

Anonymous said: I can't believe it's almost over. It's so amazing and I love it so much and I'm just so sad and happy and idk man. You've done it, like really done it, knocked it out of the park. I'm experiencing such a wide array of emotions and I seriously don't know what to do.

Anonymous said: Me right now: 😭😃😥😍😖🤯😵😏😱😫😘😞😁

Anonymous said: literally one of the most satisfying things i have ever read. you did it. you gone dun it. cannot remember why i wanted them to get down when she was 18 anymore haaa. This is oh so very right. All equal parts sexy, sweet, hot, beautiful. Thank you from the bottom of my reylo heart. what will i do without these two and your updates!!?! excuse me while i re read this chapter for the 4th time. because duhhhhhhhh

Anonymous said: lemme just say my thoughts on the last chapter- aaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH im telling you now im gonna cry like a baby when WCPAH is over bc it's been such a wonderful ride and ive been around since chapter 1 was posted and i stumbled across the then baby fic and had never listened to the music Ben and rey do until recently and i found chapter 1 to be cute so i thought id stick around for chapter 2 totally unaware that almost 60 chapters later i myself not wanting it to end. Thank you for this❤

Anonymous said: literally cried when I saw you updated. woman you have done it. you wrote possibly the best smut/fan fiction these eyes have ever read. blown away from the way you lived up to hype for this sex scene- like surpassed my wildest expectations&gave us perfection. ben was so eager, aggressive&gentle all at the same time. we could count on rey to take matters into her own hands. girl knows what she wants. cannot wait for them to fill the house with their art, memories, milkshake machine, dogs&kiddos.

Anonymous said: So, it took me about half an hour to read through this chapter (56), because I had to stop to internally scream, or digest the fact that IT(!!) was finally happen like every two words. Words cannot describe the satisfaction that this chapter gave me. FUCKING FINALLY!!!!! You killed it, as per usual, and I am continuously in awe of your skill. I’m not ready for this to be over, but thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for letting us come along on this ride with you, and Ben and Rey. ❤️

Anonymous said: Idk if this is gonna sound really fucking lame to you, but your story gave me a reason to look forward to a new day, thank you for this! I am so glad i found your story, you had me at "90s grunge Ben Solo"

Anonymous said: First of all, I love you. Second of all, you are a master and a bloody wizard. Third, the last chapter from Ben's POV would make me die and go to heaven. I want to know his thoughts and feelings during *the scene*. Is that on the horizon? If not, that's ok - I'm happy with anything you give us! My brain keeps going over all the saucy details and starts fluttering when I think about what might come next. Sorry for being weird but I FEEL SO MANY EMOTIONS AND IT'S BECAUSE OF YOU.

Anonymous said: That was some pretty dope as shit smut Bethany like holy fuck

Anonymous said: that was literally the best sex scene I have ever read. so real and complex!! favorite fic of all time for sure

Anonymous said: your story came out on week two of my multi month bed-rest-ploza. i have been reading and healing along with these two ever since. thank you for the fluff, distraction, angst, music suggestions and companionship from your story and the world you created. this last update was everything i could have wanted and more. so sad that this story is wrapping up soon. excited to see where you take these two and reading more of your stories. <3

Anonymous said: I just wanna say that 'we could plant a house' was such an important story for me. It actually inspired me to write again IT WAS JUST THAT GOOD. I love you and I want to thank you for sharing this beautiful, heartbreaking fic with us what a fucking blessing honestly you're a goddess, never stop writing ❤️ And like yo when's the next update I'm dying

Anonymous said: Okay so I’ve been here from about the beginning and omg what am I going to do without this fic?! This is definitely my favourite reylo fic and what am I going to read once it’s gone?! I love it so much!!

You are all beautiful, wonderful people. Sometimes it overwhelms me (in a good way) when y’all say that this story helped you through a rough time or inspired you to write/do art again, because it’s so surreal that my silly fic I started in January to get out my Reylo angst and give me an excuse to listen to a lot of 90′s music could possibly have this effect on others. I’m so glad my work means this much to you guys, that you guys have continued to read despite how many times I came for your feels or made you cry. You guys mean the world to me; it’s been so lovely getting to go on this journey with you all. I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do once it’s finished. Be very depressed, I expect. We can all send each other virtual hugs and cookies <3

#answering the anons #welp now im emotional

[8lah8lah]

talking abt body view/image ??? stuff so mild tmi warning for talking abt my ass and bobs a bit i suppose

ive been thinking about this for a while but it's fucked up to me like just how much your like.... feelings regarding your appearance can hinge off what others think about it

i kinda Fucking Hate my face, i like my nose and my eye color but everything else is just like. if friend shaped is a thing then i am enemy shaped. but people have praised my face specifically endlessly online to the point i even had someone tell me like... my face was what they felt like their face Should look like? something like that??? so like externally i'm pretty lax about my face and i'm okay with posting selfies a lot and stuff because i Expect ppl to compliment it or at least like, not be mad about my face, so even if I dont like my face my feelings towards it are 'bitches love this so i should show it off'

meanwhile i'm overall pretty happy with my body, sometimes im like god why am i so bony who would ever wanna cuddle me when you can make straight up Knocking Sounds on most of my torso but aside from that i like it a lot and i'm happy with what i have, but because Shit In General is so fucking nitpicky about bodies i'm always worried i'm letting people down because i come So Close to "The Good body" but just am not

more specific areas of this are i feel like i'm ugly/childish looking for having small boobs and i need to make em look bigger because the ... The body im ""supposed"" to have is crazy skinny but with big tits, EVEN THOUGH I HATE HOW THAT LOOKS SO WHYYY AM I HOLDING MYSELF TO A STANDARD THAT NOT ONLY DO I DISAGREE WITH BUT THAT I THINK DOESNT EVEN LOOK GOOD

and weirdly enough i ONLY started liking my ass once i got cellulite, and when i think about like................ asses in regard to like... view ??? and not just being a thing that Happens To Be There/weird fetish art, i can only think of asses in like ancient greek statues/those old paintings you know the ones AND THEY LOOK FUCKING GREAT SO IM LIKE YEAHHH!!! LOVE MY ASS!!! I LOOK FUCKING GREAT so i end up . forgetting . that having a flat ass is not really a desirable trait Now cause when i think about asses i am only thinking about ancient greek statues of women . and bitches loved trapezoid asses back then so im like yeahhh everyone wants what i have

and holy shit literally nothing makes me more aware of the 'what you think about your body can impact how you Actually Physically see it' (i think i just made that up idk if thats like a Real Thing) thing than when i'm looking at my waist at any given moment. sometimes i look at it and im like holy shit i look like a fucking 12 year old there is nothing here and other times i look at it and im like holy shit am i like, okay, where is everything in there and i never noticed it until i started looking for it but WOW do people draw waists TIIIIIINY by like, default, at least when they're drawing skinny people. usually it's like, plausible if you were wearing a corset level tiny but sometimes it's like, hand-width, and im not gonna tear peoples heads off for this stylize however you want but people drawing realistic waists is always such an exception at least in my neck of the woods and it makes me wonder Why, why is THIS the one consistant thing ppl choose to make unrealistic regardless of their style

not much else to say point is regardless of what i actually think about my body, what i like.... choose to show? and be proud of and talk about still hinges on what other people say and think regardless of how stupid or out of nowhere it is, like people could go EW SMALL NECKS GROSS suddenly and id be like OH GOD MY SMALL NECK GROSS just cause everyone said it was, and i kinda hate that, i get Humans Social Animal and all but i dont really like this aspect of it

#8log upd8 #dont rb cause wah! #personal #body view #long post under cut XD #they call me ol Talks A Lot Jones on account of i have so many thoughts about everything i care about even a little #and i gotta explain every aspect of it in every direction i can so you can get exactly where im coming from

[lycan-trophy-wife]

music pieces i enjoy

ok so

@drunkdragondoes tagged me to do this and even if i have a very inconsistent taste in music ill try to list some of the music that has stuck with me for some time now. Also this may be more a lists of artists rather than songs since i rarely have a favorite song from a certain artist so the ones listed here are just examples. 

here we go:

1. “Your Love is a Drug” by Michael Kelly from the “VA-11 HALL-A” Soundtrack. I honestly enjoy all of the music in this game, its really relaxing and nicely supports the theme of the game. I also listen to it when playing Shadowrun since it supports the atmosphere.

2. “Lorelei” by Ella Fitzgerald. I adore everything about this song. From the piano melody and Ellas voice to the lyrics. The rest of the "Mack the knife-Ella in Berlin” recording is also quite beautiful and a close second for me is “How High The Moon”

3. “Breezeblocks” by alt-J. I usually listen to music while moving (walking, public transport, car,...) and something about this song just gives me the feeling of driving somewhere on my own, even though i dont have a license yet so i  wouldnt know. 

4. “The Run And Go” by twenty one pilots. I dont know what it is about their music but it really helps me calm down/ get sleepy (in a good way). I usually listen to them when im away from home or on a long journey to charge myself up (ik it sounds weird but it literally feels like being on standby).Also the mood-changes in their songs are really nice.

5. “Waving Trough a Window” from “Dear Evan Hansen”. Now, all i know about this musical is from wikipedia and the 2-3 songs ive heard. But i like being told stories, especially trough songs/poetry and this song has a certain relatability (is that even a word?) to it ao its good enough for me. The Owl city version is also really nice while being a lot calmer.

6. “Mirror Mirror Part II” by Jeff Williams from RWBY. The series has amazing music and Weiss´s character songs are usually my favorite. Probably because i relate to them and her as a character. So im really looking forward to the release of the Volume 5 soundtrack and the complete version of “The Path to Isolation”

7. “What a Catch, Donnie” by Fall Out Boy. The closest i ever came to an emo-phase was by exclusively listening to Fall Out Boy, after getting out of that i kinda took a break but got into them again when “young and menace” was released. I just like “Mania” in general, it satisfies the angry teen inside of me.

8.“Come Meh Way” by Sudan Archives. Its really relaxing and the violin is just perfect. I actually had violin lessons from 1st to 3rd grade before switching to piano and had flashbacks while listening to this.

 9. “Girls Get Angry Too” by GIRLI. The Amazon music app does not have her music for “free” so i kind of stopped listening to her for a while. gets me into a “fun having,dirty, rebellious girl” mood, idk how.

10. “Feelings” by Hayley Kiyoko. Its relatable and has a good tempo for walks so i hear it fairly often. Also, like all of Hayley Kiyokos music videos, its a work of art so thats that.

11. “Mr. Brightside” by The Killers. A friend of mine said “It fucking slaps” and I guess thats all i have to say.

 I spent an irrational amount of time on this and it should have been done weeks ago.Also i left out german songs i enjoy because i would have had to explain the meaning (it would have felt weird if not) and that would have made this far too long. But hey, at least i post something once in a while!Im not gonna tag anyone because i mostly just lurk and dont really know anyone on this site so if you see this and want to do it then go ahead!

[anothergirlrecovering]

Lynn 53

I walked in and sat down. Lynn asked if it would bother me to have the eucalyptus essential oil going. I laughed and reminded her that I grew up with all kinds of natural things, so none of that bothers me. She laughed and said she had forgotten, and said that ragweed has been getting to her. She asked how I’m doing, and I said I was okay. I said that I haven’t been sleeping well, and I explained my recent issue with my mom and the broadway show.  I explained that maybe it was progress but there was a part of me that doesn’t even want to hang out with her, but who knows, it could just be the mood im in. She said she considers that progress for sure. I told her about how I had met with my pastor and have sort of come up empty handed but am going to read a book he gave me. I told her about my neighbor attempting suicide and how I had a really bad panic attack following. She empathized and said she thinks it made sense that I responded that way. I told her ive been struggling with humanity being so negative and hot helpful and told her about the guy in yoga. And then she went with the mindfulness speech again lol. I feel like she must know im over it because she started explaining how its helped her so much and that philosophically it may also help with some of the existential crisis around faith issues. She explained how things like dbt or cbt may also help me feel better when I get upset, but that so far research shows mindfulness really helps change the brain. She pointed out that when she was my age she didn’t get it either and she laughed and said one day she knows im going to email her and say I got it lol even if its 10 years later. I was like idk maybe lynn, maybe. She said it takes time and a lot of practice and encouraged me to read more on it. SHe said things will always bother me because im a sensitive person and thatas not bad, but that mindfulness can really help me to be with it and move on from it without being so affected. Everything she said made sense, but I get so uninterested and bored with it. She said there are retreats and went on a long tangent about some lady she really likes who is an emdr consultant and is doing a retreat in Hawaii which incorporates emdr and mindfulness. I said I thought a whole retreat would make me want to kill myself. She laughed and said shes not there yet either with retreats but that they aren’t just sitting in a room silently for weeks. I told her about how the yoga instructor who did our mindfulness groups in treatment went to one where she went for a month and spent it in mindfulness and silence.

She asked where we wanted to work with emdr, and I said I don’t know, I just want to like myself. Lynn laughed and I commented that I knew it was a lofty goal. Lynn reminded me that liking myself will be impossible until we address the perfectionism issue because she doesn’t foresee me liking myself until im perfect or my beliefs change about needing to be perfect. I explained that I agreed it made sense. She asked about the religious stuff and where we need to start. I told her ive been thinking a lot about things but idk. We ended up talking a lot about religion in general and didn’t get to any emdr. She asked me about the church and if I would have been surprised to know they had manipulated donna into the tooth story. She tried hard to get me to take myself out of the story and ask myself what I might say to myself if I were anyone else with this story but it was hard. She pointed out how deeply these religious roots had been developed. I said I wished I could be my brother because hes not affected by it. Lynn disagreed and said I don’t know what he thinks about at night lol. SHe said the longer I do therapy the more I will realize that you never know what is really going on for people. SHe said surely there are a few who really don’t have skeletons in the closet but just because my brother doesn’t talk about it doesn’t mean he wasn’t affected. I explained that I wouldn’t have thought the pastor was trying to manipulate people but idk. I explained that it was a small church and she pointed out that religious cult type leaders seek power and followings, even if its small. SHe asked me if I would ever do to my kids what they did to me and I teared up and said I wouldn’t. She asked if that kind of emotional and religious abuse was something a therapist would report to dcs and I said maybe its just hard because everyone has religious freedoms and you could argue both sides so its a grey area. I explained how I really don’t remember the pastor but that I remember his wife carrie and she used to babysit me when I was four and five because they rented the apt above us. I said I just remembered her driving me and her daughter and telling us to hold onto our hats when we went over the train as a pretend game. I said I didn’t think their daughter was a Christian anymore, or at least not as rigid because she never posts about any of that stuff and lived with her bf prior to marriage.  I explained that there was some weird situation that happened and a disagreement and they had left the church and went with a ministry out in California instead. I explained the vineyard denomination to lynn as best as I could, but I know she has a hard time grasping it lol. I explained the ministry they went to and how they had come to our church to do dream interpretation and hearing a word from god for us. I remember sitting there confused and terrified at what they might say. I remember the speaking in tongues and the banner running and flags and tamburines and prophetic words from god and the healings and dreams and art drawings. I realized saying it all outloud it did sound a lot crazier than I wanted to admit. Lynn pointed out that it seemed atheists and agnostics almost had a better moral compass sometimes because they don't hold themselves to impossible standards and have ridiculous expectations that go against human nature.  

“Everything that you’ve described sounds… I don’t mean to be harsh, but like a cult. I mean, that was religious spiritual abuse”. I had described a few memories with the church. I had described the ways I had to repeat over and over the bile verse about god not giving me a spirit of fear, and how I couldn’t stop my panic attacks no matter how many times I said it. I told her that I know its not what she wants to hear but that it feels like some of these crazy religious things work out for some people so it feels like it was user error and the problem was me. I told her about how it felt like there was always a formula for things, but it never worked for me. I told her about how they had prophesied that my brother would be a worship leader while my mom was pregnant but never prophesied anything about me and always encouraged my brother to play music while intentionally leaving me out because I didn’t have “the gift”. I told her that there was no prophecy during my time in utero because my parents weren’t Christians at that point. I explained how they became Christians when they met my aunts boyfriend who invited them all to a bible study. I explained that the more I talked about it the more I realized how bizarre it was because my uncle is soooo far out there with his dream interpretations and the way he says he hears god and the way he isolates its all just odd but that hes the uncle who had gotten drunk on Christmas eve and told me all his problems and about how the pastors we grew up with had always really liked me and said what a good and caring kid I was.

Lynn encouraged me to talk to my pastor more about all of this. I told her he would probably say everything she had said regarding that it wasn’t healthy and logically I know all of this but it still feels true. She pointed out that we need to dig into some of the spiritual abuse with emdr because if this is the fundamental experiences shaping my beliefs, untangling that may untangle the perfectionism issue. She said she still wants me to talk to my pastor lol because she hasn’t studied any of this and if we untangle my current religious beliefs, ill need to replace them with something. She also said she wanted me to talk to him because she wants me to really recognize that it wasn’t just a terrible situation, it was abuse. I listened and she pointed out that she knows im on the fence with all of this because she could tell by my body language. What she meant was I had a hard time keeping eye contact, had teared up several times, and looked at the floor a lot as we talked about all of this stuff. She talked about how the church is supposed to be there to care about people and that  unfortunately they often do a lot of harm. I explained that my current church really takes care of their people and I liked that about them.

We went to schedule for two weeks out and she said she wasn’t sure what her schedule will be yet because she may be helping out at the school with the play because tis the last one. I asked if that was because her son was a senior and she said yes. I asked if her son has red hair too and said how I cant imagine lynn having a red head. She laughed and said she wanted to show me a picture of him and that hes such a cutie pie and they just did headshots for the show. She showed me the picture and I was like oh my gosh he really is so adorable he looks like a cross between Justin bieber and zac efron in high school musical. She laughed and said he got to play troy Bolton in the high school musical play at their  school. She then showed me a picture of her daughter and then her other daughter. I said they are so pretty and I was like lynn your kids are really good looking and I don’t mean that in a weird way. She laughed and said she agreed and thinks theyre pretty and shes really proud of them and theyre all really smart. I laughed and jokingly said and you validated their feelings and you love them for who they are and not how they look and she jokingly rolled her eyes and said yes shes mom of the year and she would see me next week.

[minsmk]

i had a rly weird dream last night and its a long story so i’m putting it in the text box instead so here u go

so I was at art of animation resort and @that-guy-in-the-bowler-hat and @oldeststoryintheuniverse were there (i think @bowler-hat-gal and @zaphatter were there too? i think they were in the background.) and we were talking about mnsshp costume ideas and I wanted to be martha from heathers for some reason? (my friend was just in a production of heathers and has been posting a lot of snaps so thats prob why.) and everyone thought that was a good idea? even though i probably wouldn’t do non disney for mnsshp or anything from heathers in general bc ive never watched the movie or musical.

then i mentioned i wanted to do a charlie and the chocolate factory group based on the broadway show redesigns for some reason? and everyone loved that idea so I went to the fabric store (it was actually walmart and they had a great selection of fabrics for some reason).

now what was weird was none of my friends ended up being in the group with me, it was just random people that i have NEVER seen in my life.

oh i decided to be veruca salt for some reason? ( i think its bc i thought it would be fun to be her in catcf musical bc of the russian accent and over dramatic nature of her character lol)

so i bought POINTE SHOES and there was a montage sequence in the dream where I magically learned ballet and made these cosplays in like no time. now the random people in my dream, i feel like i need to talk about what they looked like because I saw them so clearly.. 

the girl who was violet was really tall with short hair and reminded me of mako from pacific rim, so i think she was japanese.

the guy who was augustus was short and blonde but looked like an old friend of mine, thomas, but with blonde hair and a more round face. he had a thin mustache that he cut into train tracks? and for some reason that made sense even though there is NOTHING with augustus and trains in ANY form of media based on wonka. 

and the guy who was mike teavee looked like fred from big hero 6 but with shorter brown hair. 

the costume design i did made no sense. my veruca cosplay looked the same as the broadway costume.. the violet cosplay was a dress? i didn’t see much of it bc the girl like showed up for two seconds. 

the augustus costume was a basic german outfit? like i could do so much better than that lol

and the mike teavee outfit looked like fred’s outfit with the beanie.. although there was no symbol on his shirt or kaiju face on his hat. 

so then we went to the party

btw i walked everywhere in pointe shoes.

so i got into mk late and i was running to the parade spot.. and..

stuff was boarded up on mainstreet and it looked, for lack of a better word, ghetto. like nara dreamland. no curb.. just ground.

SO THEN I STARTED LUCID DREAMING

and i was saying “RISE CURB” and weird stuff like that? and the cinema popped back up and it looked more like main street.

so i was putting my bags down to hold the spot while these random “friends” trick or treated. and whats funny is it was so vivid that it was my camera bag and my mom’s cooler backpack that I was putting down. 

and people were sitting on the bags and getting mad at me so I kept moving. at one point a hispanic woman sat next to me and we had a great discussion about bodegas? i feel like she was a spirit i was communicating with because it was too random for me to just, idk think of? she had to go so I moved and she moved.

then, whoever was supposed to be our wonka was going to surprise everyone and I only heard their voice, (its weird bc in dreams everyones voice kind of blends together but I heard the person who was wonka’s voice. it was really gentle and kind, sounded like a guy.) they were going to go hide in the cinema. 

@oldeststoryintheuniverse ran past me and said they were going to go hang out with someone who had the same name as my spirit guide.. i said I would join them after i messaged my “friends”. and then I looked at the castle..

it looked like a mash up between disneyland’s and magic kingdom’s castle. the bottom third was just giant pastel squares and i was mad and tried to change the castle again but it wouldn’t change. 

(oh also I made a joke about no spider projections.. lol)

i just started lucid dreaming random things and then I realized the person with my spirit guide’s name saw me (but I didn’t see them) and i felt like they were upset. 

then I was with @oldeststoryintheuniverse again and we were sitting in this really weird area before the hub but there was railing? and we were sitting on the railing. i asked her if the person with my guide’s name was upset and she said “no, they just wanted to talk to you” or something along those lines. those weird “friends” were coming back from trick or treating and they were texting me..

and then I woke up.

it was really weird

i think my guide wanted me to lucid dream so we could talk but I got distracted with the imperfect magic kingdom. 

it was v weird. 

#renee rambles #renee dreams #this isn't written the best but it was just too random to use proper grammar and take the time to write everything out #it was v odd