#idk i always thought pokemon was boring and couldn't get into it

[captainimprobable]

grief is so weird bc i haven't thought about my ex in a couple months but out of nowhere i started crying bc a song reminded me of her??????? I still feel like I have no right to grieve because by the time she died we hadn't been in each other's lives for years, but she will literally ALWAYS be a huge part of my story. It is just impossible to fathom that someone who was once the most important person in my life just....doesn't exist anymore. Like, there were things we did and times we had that nobody else was a part of and now I'm the only person in the whole world who can remember them?????? I wish I could go back in time to the last time she contacted me and ask her questions. And even though even if she was alive I would never want to see her again I would want her to know that even if I never forgive her (bc idk if i will), the year we were together meant a lot to me.

I know I couldn't have saved her. So many people tried but it just wasn't enough. But if I'd known she would just be gone one day????? I don't know. I'm just suddenly getting constant flashbacks of random moments from when I knew her and I don't even miss that relationship!!!! I don't want her in my life!!! But she should still be here. She should still be making tiktoks with her best friend and doing people's makeup and dropping Pokemon facts nonstop, and she should still be auditioning for things and dyeing her hair and eating boring oatmeal and I wonder what she thought about the owl house finale. She should still be here.

#tw death #talking about my dead ex again

[clowncar27]

RANT !!! THIS IS A RANT !!!

What was my birthday gift to myself? A job, apparently. Recently got a job at Walmart as a stocker (yipee!)- been working for a week, I think? It's pretty weird and new. Honestly thought I wasn't going to get the job bc I got so nervous during the interview, I couldn't even answer the first question I got. Anxiety sucks balls.

The job is okay, nothing really upsets me except the palette jacks. I swear those things hate me! I accidentally rolled over my foot once, they're stupid hard to steer. I see my coworkers handle them with such ease, and like- hey! Gimme your power. I'll get good eventually- That and socializing. I'm not good at talking to people

At orientation I was put stocking clothes, mostly pants- I didn't like folding, suck at that, but I liked finding out where things went and making them look neat. Honestly I hope I'm not put with apparel again. During training I worked on the paper towels and tissues, which was fun. I watched as someone took one and left it on the floor at the other end of the aisle. Oh! and I found a Pokemon card underneath the shelves.

I noticed I'm poor when I comes to helping the costumers find things- I know I shop there, but...idk where shit is tbh! Someone asked where the meat sticks where- Kabobs- and I was of no help. Found them the other day, they're in the party sections!! The party sections!! No way I would've guessed that! I actively dread the first and last hours of my shift bc I hate saying "idk" to people.

At the moment, I like the sections I've been assigned to. I'm in the art, office, and party section (yay!)- Love paper... and yarn! A few things I remember, I had two items so far I had trouble lifting. Now I'm not that strong, I sit on my ass all day, but I figured it out. The first was those bulk of computer papers, crushed my finger, terrible first impression. I didn't want to ask for help, don't like asking for help, but I did manage to lift it with my knee.

The second was this safe- lucky for me, someone left a rather ominous cart in the middle of the aisle, so I used that to move it. Honestly thought I was gonna break the cart, it was one of those small ones.

Other things uh... a weird looking bug came out of one box. Got scared and killed it with my box cutter. Didn't find anymore so I wasn't concerned. I almost fell off the topstock ladder bc it started rolling suddenly, so now I shake it before stepping on. My new favorite phrase is "I love gutting boxes!"

Overall the job is pretty nice, I'm always on the move. I made my goal of 25 Km in Pokemon Go so ig that says something! I always have this goofy smile on my face, so that’s good. I love that I'm alone for the most part, and I feel very satisfied when I can solve problems on my own. And oh boy, I can't wait to get paid! I wanna buy...fnaf stuff.. Youtooz Mxes figure... Hex Withered Freddy... !!! Uhh Mario Partyy!! cool stuff like that lmao

The only downside is not being able to draw and watch youtube 24/7, but I'll work around that, quite literally. Upside is I can listen to music

Okay I'm bored of typing, goodbye.

#rant #personal rant #rant post #life update