#idk how much i can do tomorrow i have a drs appointment tomorrow and im very nervous for how that will go </3 | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

br0kenbutterfly · 7 years

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15/5/2017

So its 2am, its fucking freezing cold, but I have to write this because if I dont, itll be just like all the other stuff I look back on and wish I had some recollection of how I felt. Like all my childhood diaries that I started. Or the abandoned derby tumblr thats still lurking somewhere. Anyway.

I had my initial appointment with a surgeon today about weight loss surgery. I’ve been thinking about surgery since about 2013, and seriously for the last 9 months or so. I’ve talked to several people who have had various surgeries (including mum, my friend and a friend of my aunts), and done my research. Ive discussed this with my (awesome amazing wonderful) GP, and our work counsellor Ann-Marie, who are both incredibly supportive. I’m paying for this surgery privately, which cuts hugely into the savings Ive accumulated since I was 15 for a house, but I can wait for a house. Every year I don't do this is a year Im kinda wasting my youth on being huge and not happy and making excuses for not doing things Id like to do. Not that Im unhappy all the time, but my weight is a safety blanket, kinda like my depression was my safety blanket for not leaving oamaru. I just dont wanna wait until Im accepted into public surgery (which Ive been on the list for since 2013) because at that point Ill probably be in my 50s and have so many health issues. Like for goodness sake, im 26 and I have pre-diabetes, polycystic ovaries that mean im probs infertile, a perpetually sore back that means i cant walk for more than a block without having to stop, my knees and ankles give out randomly. Anyway. Im rambling.

My appointment was with Dr Flint, who I chose because thats who my friend had surgery with (and because the other guy was the one who did my consult for public surgery and he was a right royal douche). He was lovely, and explained both procedures (roux-en-y and gastric sleeve) really well. Im going to have a gastric sleeve, because the ongoing risk of complications like IBS and hernias are smaller (and because you dont have to be on vitamins for life and my god i hate taking meds). He weighed me - ive put on like 5kg since i last weighed myself (fuck) but to be fair i did have my docs on. So my offical starting weight is 157.8kg, which is a terrifying number and also this is probably the first time ive admitted my weight to anyone who isnt a medical professional in a long long time holy shit. Apparently if everything goes well i should be around 95kg afterwards (like 2 years away).

After I went through everything with the surgeon, I saw his nurse? receptionist? general fucking awesome person Denise. Shes so lovely. She talked me through the appointments I need to have next (which tbh is part of the reason I want to to it privately, because i know its not just about the surgery, its about learning to live as a smaller person, and i fucking dont know how to eat properly, and id really like to do some exercises that dont hurt my damn back all the time). So I have to see the dietician, and an exercise consultant, and a psychiatrist, and then back to the surgeon for pre-op appt. My surgery is scheduled for the 11th July, which means Ill be on preop diet from like, the 13th June I think? I might buy some optifast and try it for some breakfasts first. Im so not looking forward to that bit.

Then because I was like, nervous as fuck after my appointment, I went and cuddled ellas tiny humans and then talked to laura and watched sense8.

My biggest fears at the moment are:

-me fucking this up. like what if i cat do it, if my willpower is awful, and i screw it up and throw $20k down the drain. How shit will I feel about myself if the surgery doesnt work, because theres not really any more drastic options. what if i put all the weight back on like my uncle, or drink frozen coke and dont eat protein like my mum

-mum. i havent told her yet....im telling her tomorrow. im worried shes gunna be weird about it. not in a “you shouldnt have the surgery” kinda of way, im worried she will want to know how much i weigh, and give me well meaning comments about how i shouldnt be eating this or that, or go the other way and want to have a massive blowout before i start optifast.

-who do i tell? apart from the internel lol (im guessing only like 3 people i know in real life will read this). do i tell my dad? i should but again, im so worried about what he’ll think, how he’ll judge me.

-i think in general im so used to the comments about my weight that im really caught up with it as part of my identity? Like I hate all the health and fitness ads because it just reminds me of me not being fit and healthy, but i wonder if some part of me likes being fat to be a rebel, because some weird part of me feels like im failing by conforming to societys (and my dads) wishes about how i look and act. idk.

- hahahahahh optifast. ive heard it tastes awful and i have 6 weeks of it, then purees (goodie), then soft food. also imma have to eat veggies. fuck.

I’m excited about:

-being able to maybe actually skate well?! being able to do general things like run after izzy or go for a bike ride with people without being like yeah nah i cant do that because it hurts. itd be nice to walk up the stairs without looking like ive run a half marathon. id be nice to walk to work without my back cramping up so bad i have to stop and stretch it several times.

-im kinda looking forward to meeting with the exercise person. I see a lot of people in the #GRRLarmy and stuff and I want to be strong, but I am terrified of the gym and im really hoping shell be able to help and be a good motivation

-the dietician will be good to because lord knows im terrible at cooking for myself no matter how many well meaning people try and teach me. i just wish i didnt have to eat.

-possibly having lower food bills - currently i spend like a quarter of my income on food which is ridiculous and i dont know how to stop.

Right so that was a novel. Now its 3am and i have to go talk to my boss and ask her for time off for 5 preop appointments in the next 6 weeks, as well as hi im going to need 2 weeks off work lololol. Oh, and tell my mum im having major surgery in 6 weeks and i didnt tell her i had an appointment to talk about it. whoops. wish me luck x

#whats my personal tag again #no seriously this shit gets weird its just a mind dump #cw food #surgery and shit

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amerasdreams · 3 years

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Their flight was canceled! So I have to stay another night here. :( messes up my whole week. I might not sleep well and then how can I meet a new client. I have to go to the clinic tomorrow. I have to run home, unpack, mayyybe get something done, have lunch, run out to the Dr appointment .... didn't get to see my cat today.. have to stay another night in this place... have to unpack some things and re- clean some things ....

I threw out some food bc I don't have any containers for it now I could've eaten it for supper -- what a waste! Its not their fault, it was a storm but its so annoying. I don't feel like doing anything now. I'm so tired and I hate being off balance like this. I've been away from home most of the month (last month plus this month so far) and I'm tired of it. Why I'm changing and not doing pet siting overnight...

I want to do something else and not run around all the time, it stresses me out. At the same time, its so basic I have no other skills, nothing going for me, so idk what else I could do.... :( I want to do something more intellectually stimulating /creative. For main. But how can I start that now!!!how can I start that with an irregular schedule plus being tired all the time from bothjg

Grrr i have to get stuff out of the car again im so mad I donr want to be here. So tired and I still have a long week yet. I hate this. Extra work. Cleaning what I already cleaned and unpack and pack again. Wasting time and energy. This is why I'm ending overnights. But of course it had to be like this for the end making me go more crazy. But then... need more $, pet sitting, but cant do too much bc driving BURNS ME OUT driving is stressful so I cant even earn a living pet sittinf.... what can i do, how can I start earning a living THIS YEAR. Hoe do I get out of this. Quagmire. Of me. Someoje with nothing going for them, no skills, no social skills 12 years after college is getting nowhere and I should just end me already bc there is no hope for me to have a future. No one wants to be with me and I can't make a life for myself so

Hate life

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