#iamfugitive | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

berdych · 12 years

Text

Tag thing!

I'm only answering questions right now~

First ones are from aturnofaphrase:

Favorite musical artist: Mew

Personal advocacy/issue: (This is asking me what I stand up for right...?) Well I am always standing up for Islam and Pakistan because they both get their fair share of hatred and ridiculous statments.

Favorite vegetable: Lettuce! :)

Favorite period in time: Renaissance.

Name 3 dinner guests: Misha Collins, Dom Howard, and Novak Djokovic. I chose these three because this combination would be the funniest oh man it would be perfect.

Favorite sport to watch: Definitely tennis. Every single match is a rollercoaster ride.

Did you have stuffed toys? Describe your favorite one growing up: I had lots but I never grew attached to one. I used to get attached to Barbie dolls though hahaha. Three of my best friends just got together and got me a teddy bear called 'Gingerbread' and it's sort of our inside joke so that's the only stuffed toy I have right now.

Favorite book/series: The Saga of Darren Shan

Favorite reality TV show: The Voice.

Favorite sports team/athlete: Barcelona/Tomas Berdych

Favorite breed of dog/cat: I'm not a huge dog fan due to a certain "experience" but I love siamese cats.

These ones are from Badra:

What time do you wake up on your weekends? 11-12 lol

Whats your favorite traditional dish? Tikka!

Hotdogs or Sausages? Sausdogs.

Whats your dream job? ROCKSTAR!

Whats the last movies you watched? Frequency

When was the last time you went out? A few days ago for fun cause it was raining and cause I hadn't gone out in weeks and I was going insane.

Pepsi Or Cola ? Cola.

if you had a superpower, what would it be? Teleportation.

Put your itunes on shuffle (I’m running out of questions xD) OK Go - All Is Not Lost

Do you have a skill in something? I can play the guitar sort of and the piano sort of.

what is it? It's BADRA!

These are from Jami:

1. What is your opinion on llamas? They are LEGENDARY. 2. What was your first ship ever? Ryan Ross/Brendon Urie. 3. Care to talk about an awkward moment you’ve found yourself in this week? I did terribly in a French assignment on email and then avoided my teacher at school and then I did really well all of a sudden and now he sent me a sentimental email saying that I am ready for my final exam and don't need him anymore and I don't know what to reply with. 4. Your biggest pet peeve is: When sOMEONE I HATE STARTS LIKING THE SAME THINGS I DO AKA THE WHOLE OF PAKISTAN'S SUDDEN OBSESSION WITH SUPERNATURAL GO AWAY. I am immature. 5. Let’s be completely honest now. How many hours a day do you really spend staring at your computer? 27 hours a day. 6. What’s a question you’d kill to be able to ask your favourite actor? Will you love me 5ever? 7. What colour is your bedroom? White with colorful posters all around! 8. If you type ‘C’ into your address bar, what’s the first thing that comes up? This is embarrassing but it's casteal.tumblr.com and that is the blog where I try out my themes. 9. What’s the last book/fic you’ve read? Was it particularly good? I read Heaven and Hell by Brigitta and it was AMAZING! 10. Your snack food of choice? Mountain Dew and biscuits with strawberries in them. 11. Do you collect anything? Feelings?

These are by masterandmuse:

1. are you afraid of heights? Sometimes but not anymore.

2. do you like pasta? YES

3. favourite animal? Cat.

4. sarkozy or hollande? Hahahaha I am sick of my french teacher asking me that. I am going to be a rebel and say Hollande.

5. have you seen a jackie chan movie? if yes, which? I think the first movie I ever watched had Jackie Chan in it. Ahh Around the World in 80 Days, Rush Hour, Rush Hour 2, then the one with Owen Wilson in it too ahh so many I don't remember all of them.

6. do you like cats? Hahaha yes.

7. food you hate? Milk.

8. sodiac sign? Aquarius.

11. what is your dream car? Lamborghini Gallardo.

These are from Julie:

OH THE JELLYBEAN THING. Well I've been obsessed with jellybeans for as long as I remember and they make me so happy and when I have jellybeans I just stare at them and get feelings and I eat them one by one and they are so amazing and perfect ok bye.

Favourite celebrity in terms of raw acting talent, (not their attractiveness or things they do or anything else but TALENT)? AGH. Misha Collins and Colin Morgan and Matt Smith and Benedict Cumberbatch. I can't. I can't choose. They are all such AMAZING actors.

Favourite drink ? Mountain Dew!

One character to bring out of a tv show and have be your brother, who andwhy ? Sam Winchester. Because because because he's Sam. SORRY I CAN'T JUMP INTO A POOL OF FEELS RIGHT NOW I NEED TO STUDY.

A character you feel has helped you or changed you in any way ? Castiel.

Last book you read ? The last one from the Shopaholic series.

An event in history you would have loved to be witness to ? The Time War because it totally happened.

Nationality ? Pakistani!

A song you can’t stand ? There's too many to choose. I'm just going to say Burnin' Up by Jonas Bros because once it got stuck in my head and I literally started crying.

A moment where you felt honestly proud of yourself ? I did three GCSEs last year with a fever and the worst flu I have gotten in my life and still got A*s (show off Mariam alert)

Something you wish existed irl ? The TARDIS

_______ shows up at your front door and says _________ (ideal scenario) ? The Doctor, "Come along, Khan" HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHSHAHSHAHAHAHSHAHSHHhaswhahhHAHHAHA WOW what is wrong with me.

These questions are from iamfugitive:

What are songs that remind you of each season? Ahh there's way too many!

What’s your favorite food? Pizza.

Favorite thing to eat/ drink when the weather is bad? Hot Chocolate.

Do you have a favorite television station, and if so, what is it and why? There was this channel in Dubai called Melody Tunes and I love it because that's how I discovered my favorite band.

Do you have a favorite colour or colours? I like all colors but my ultimate favorite is purple.

Have you ever been told you have an accent? Yes. Everyone thinks I have a British accent which is really stupid because Pakistanis cannot tell the difference between a British and American accent.

How about dreaming? Do you have many dreams, and if so, what kinds? Just a few days ago I had a lucid dream and I made destiel canon. LOL. No but my dreams are usually about fictional characters anyway. Sigh sigh sigh.

Can you lucid dream? Oops I sort of answered this. I've tried a lot and that always fails but in my life I've had 3 lucid dreams, one of which is the one I just mentioned.

Do you have a favorite animal? If so, what is it? Um I like kittens...

When is the last time you cried? If you feel like sharing, please do so. It’s not required. Yesterday night I watched 'Abandon All Hope' on tv and cried when Ellen and Jo died.

Who are your tumblr crushes? ok this is really ironic:

1. YOU with 4% (I told you I was queuing everything you post)

2. beezystark with 3%

3. get-in-my-tardis with 3%

4. eastcollins with 3%

5. jiofreed with 2%

6. cirque-du-decadence with 2%

7. regina-cordium with 2%

8. castielisbetterthanyou with 2%

9. brobeckz with 2%

Questions from Natt:

When did you join Tumblr? October of 2010 I think.

What fictions/TV Series are your biggest OTP(s) from? Supernatural.

What is your biggest otp of all your otps ever? Destiel!

Who are your favorite celebrities? [Male/Female] Misha Collins and Florence Welch

What is your biggest dream? To be swimming in a pool of candy.

When is your birthday? 26 January

What was the last TV show you watched? Supernatural.

Your top 3 favourite blogs? THIS IS TOO HARD I AM NOT ANSWERING THIS.

Peeta or Gale? Peeta (I haven't even read THG lol)

Where are you from? Pakistan

Who are your top 5 fictional crushes? Castiel, Merlin, The Doctor, Sam Winchester, Freddie Lyon.

Questions from finnick-weasley:

what was the last song you listened to? Jaded Youth - The Cribs

what is you favorite thing to do? Fangirling.

your current celebrity crush? Gary Jarman

how do you imagine yourself in 5 years from now? A depressed student in uni.

if you could have one superpower what would it be? Invisibility.

what makes you angry? When people I hate like the same things as me.

how many languages do you speak? 4

when did you join tumblr? Oct 2010

any secret talents? Playing guitar by ear.

where are you from? Pakistan

what is the first thing you do in the morning? Brush my teeth :)

Questions from dontbeobvioussherlock:

Favorite character from The Avengers? (If you’ve never seen it, then you should.) BRUCE BANNER. LOKI. TONY. EVERYONE. I CAN'T CHOOSE.

First celebrity crush? Brendon Urie.

What’s your sign? (Like Leo or Cancer or whatever…) Aquarius

What’s one language you’d like to speak? Czech.

Favorite author? Darren Shan.

Least favorite book you’ve ever read? The Ghost Of Grania O Malley.

Stupidest song you’ve ever heard? Like a G6

Favorite pair of shoes that you own? flip flops

Top 5 songs, at the moment? We Share The Same Skies, Pure O, Glitters Like Gold, Girls Like Mystery and Our Bovine Public. All by The Cribs.

Who have you seen in concert, if you’ve been to a concert? Jawad Ahmed lol (pakistani pride)

Favorite Greek god/goddess? Zeus.

#aturnofaphrase #iamfugitive #masterandmuse #ohmywaywardthor #reichenbitch #supernaturalpotterheadonmerthur #embracethings

2 notes · View notes

i-am-fugitive · 7 years

Photo

MY FREEDOM GPS – Departures and Arrivals (Deaths, Rebirths and New Beginnings)

i lifted my eyes and looked to the hills from whence cometh my help, only to discover that my help cometh from within.

As I’ve often asseverated. There is, absolutely, no separation between my life and my art. My life speaks to my art in EVERY way, just as my art informs how i live. My work is driven by a mission and purpose to obtain absolute FREEDOM. i have and will continue to sacrifice EVERYTHING to meet this end. And there is ABSOLUTELY nothing and no one that comes before this cause. That said. My journey (to absolute freedom) has brought me to yet another point of realization. As i now realize that my people are neither BLACK or WHITE PEOPLE but FREE PEOPLE. As FREEDOM is my life’s MISSION and PRAXIS. It (FREEDOM) is my promised land and my Polaris star. FREEDOM is my totem. FREEDOM is my soul and solace! It is the womb and birthing ground of my clan, my tribe, my nation, MY PEOPLE.

“Our sense of “being-in-the-world,” is actualized, or authentically enacted and perceived to the extent it corresponds to, or expresses our desire and ability to shape the world around us. When this process is short-circuited, an inauthentic, or alienated existence is the result. Thus, in a white supremacist society, no such freedom exists.” – Merleau-Ponty

What i am saying is that my journey has now brought me to yet another phase. i have arrived at a new chapter in this mission of absolute liberation. i find myself (One-Man!) standing on new ground. Yet, i arrive at this next level with a newfound resolve, courage, strength, and clarity of purpose that i can’t say i fully understood or embraced before.

i now recognize that the foundation for this journey (this path) was laid out for me long ago. And although growing up as a black child in Missouri i would have a great many confrontations with white racism (particularly racist police). i do believe, however, it was a result of 2 specific traumatizing (life or death) experiences at the hands of white authorities that i would ultimately be awakened. The first of these encounters occurred when i was just 10 or 11 years of age. Officer Friendly (what we used to call the police when we were children) drove up and drew their weapons on my best friend and i. They ordered us to the ground supposedly suspecting that our toy guns were real weapons. To this day i still believe had my best friends father not intervened when he did – yelling to the officers, “The guns are toys and they are only children!” – this story would have had a far more tragic outcome. The second incident occurred a few years later. At which point i was a teenager in high school (around 15 years old). In this encounter white police officers stopped me one day while walking to the 7-Eleven after school. Their reasoning simply being, “You look suspicious.” A bit frightened, confused and at the same time annoyed by the accusation, i emphatically objected. At which point they took it upon themselves to put me in my place. They snatched me up. Slammed me against the car and placed me in handcuffs. Then they put me in the backseat of the police cruiser and proceeded to drive me around while threatening me and reminding me: “We are the police and can do whatever we want to you.” When i again objected and complained that i had not committed any crime. They immediately countered: “Look here boy! You are a criminal if we say you are. It could be very easy for us to charge you with a crime and there’s nothing you could do about it. No one would take your word over ours.” Their threats went even further as they menacingly contemplated, out loud, what to do with me. They let it be known that I could possibly not make it home and that they could simply make me, “disappear”. At which point, i am not ashamed to admit, i broke down like a baby and begged them to let me go. i just remember them laughing at me. And one of them saying: “Yeah boy. you don’t have such a smart ass mouth now, do you?” The entire ordeal lasted for about 2 hours. Once they grew bored and their point had been made they released me. And although i would not began to fully grasp the entire scope of these encounters until much later in life. i believe these early experiences were formative, as it was then that i first realized that i was black and that my blackness was a problem. It would be in these early traumatic (childhood) experiences that, for the very first time in my life, i would be struck with the real conditions of racial existence. As a result i would be – as W. E. B. Du Bois describes in, The Souls of Black Folk – split into, becoming a “double consciousness”. i had essentially been made to “look upon myself through the eyes of others.” It was at this point that i would first come face to face with the alien that is my black objectified being. (Grasping my existence as an alien body in an alien world.)

“I came into the world anxious to uncover meaning in things, my soul desirous to be at the origin of the world, and here I am an object among other objects. Locked in this suffocating reification, I appealed to the Other so that his liberating gaze, gliding over my body suddenly smoothed of rough edges, would give me back the lightness of being I thought I had lost, and taking me out the world put me back in the world. But just as I get to the other slope I stumble, and the Other fixes me with his gaze, his gestures and attitude, the same way you fix a preparation with a dye. I lose my temper, demand an explanation….Nothing doing. I explode. Here are the fragments put together by another me.” — Frantz Fanon

This being that although appearing as foreign to me still nonetheless somehow defined, and essentially determined me and my existence in this world. A world that i had no say or place in. A world that i had no hand in creating. A world in which i would never be allowed to truly live. A world that i would never be allowed to FULLY BE. A world in which i was merely a powerless and essentially nonexistent spectator. A world in which i could not possibly be FREE and therefore could not possibly be HUMAN. Coming face to face with this alien being. i stared directly into its eyes and my entire existence was revealed to me. i saw how ALL that i am had already been determined and scripted…. My story, my life, my love, my will, my soul, my entire BEING had already been shaped and defined. My humanity stripped and nullified. i saw how ALL of these decisions had been made long before i had even been conceived. i saw myself formed out of the spit and mud of history (His-story), i was merely an object molded like cast marble and polished black as pitch over hundreds of years, by “Other” hands.

i had now been exposed to the reality of my position in this white (racially) constructed and dominated society. Realizing that the color of my skin and my appearance had betrayed me as something other. My flesh (beyond my own perception, say and belief) stigmatized and criminalized. i had for some unknown reason been sentenced to life in a prison of (racialized, alienated and essentially dehumanized) BLACK SHAME.

Yet, while these earlier experiences had made me aware of my condition as a racialized being. In those younger years i hadn’t yet developed the sight and mind to fully grasp the grand scope (root and nature) of this condition. But my eyes had been opened nonetheless. Ironically, i believe, the white policemen’s actions did not have the desired effect or impact they thought. I’m certain they thought they had taught me a lesson and put me in my place. They thought they had broken me. When in fact, they had actually awakened me. They had also freed me from the paralysis of fear. As whatever fear i had – after those white officers had ordered me (as that 10 year old child) to the ground at gunpoint – was essentially left on the back seat of that police cruiser, by that 15 year old teen. i just remember from that point on something had changed in me.

Time and time again in subsequent encounters i was confronted by that alien being. Initially i would just internalize it. i would even try to ignore, deny and dismiss it away – to no avail. But this eventually gave way to anger and then contempt. i would develop a deep hatred and mistrust towards ALL white people. A fuck it bomb detonated inside of me. i told myself that i would not capitulate to this being. From that point forward i would NEVER again be silenced. i would NEVER allow myself to be reduced to a powerless victim. i would fight this being with everything in me. i would not submit. i would get free! i think it was then that i had actually discovered my voice and power. As it was then that i initially began to SCREAM! Yet, this voice first seemed to have emerged without a truly conscious sense of purpose or direction. It was simply driven by pure, raw and visceral; anger and hate expressed in the rebellious activity of my youth. i believe i was testing, preparing and essentially honing my newfound weapon. In those years i was all rage. No longer would i try and convince white folks that i had a right to exist – call me a ‘NIGGER’ – i would show them i existed. In those years i would confront and attack ALL white people and their institutions – even the police – wherever and whenever. This would many times lead to physical altercations. As a result i would often find myself jailed. But again, this would not deter me, if anything it would only serve to fuel my anger and embolden me.

Yet over the years, out of this rebellious anger would arise a deeper sense of clarity and purpose. i slowly began to comprehend the true objective nature of my alienation. That is to say, i had began to recognize how the racism to which i had been exposed had less to do with the actions of racist white individuals and more to do with a social structure and process – rooted in a historically reified racist schema. Hence, i started to comprehend how my racialized and objectified being had been formed, shaped and fixed as a result of conditioned behavior arising out of social relations –evinced in the racist actions of these particular individuals – with extensive historical and institutionalized roots. i then understood that these racial encounters were mere symptoms of an inescapable paradigm made manifest in a concrete, living and all encompassing (socially, institutionally and historically reified) fact.

Once armed with this clarity, i was able to find purpose for my anger. My ENTIRE life would be dedicated to the act of absolute liberation. i would set out to transform the conditions of my racialized existence by sublating white power and the entire white world upon which it stood. i would hereby become the living (active) embodiment of white negation. i would not be invisible. My blackness would not exist in a dormant and passive state - it would not ask permission - it would not accommodate or compromise - it would not be tamed or refined - it would not obey - it would not make appeals for peace, justice and equality - it would not play the white man’s game - it would not stay in its place. My blackness would not measure itself in accordance with white standards, nor would it answer to shame or guilt. My blackness would not beg for white acceptance, validation or recognition - it would not establish itself as a moral plea (BLACK LIVES MATTER).

For i now understood that my objectification, as an established fact and natural condition of nonentity in a white supremacist constructed society, could not be altered through moral pleas. (No more than the dead can convince the living that they are alive, nor a chair can convince a man that it is something other than a chair.) As only the living can confront the living. To paraphrase Hegel and Fanon, self-consciousness only exist – “in and for itself” – to the fact that its existence is recognized by another self-consciousness. Just as a man is only human to the extent that he can impose his existence on another man and thereby gain his recognition. Only the (active) self-determining subject can – by confronting and transforming the material conditions of its objectified being – assert and establish the absolute truth of its existence in the world. Thus, in order to change my condition, i would first have to assert myself as a ‘BLACK MAN’. Establishing myself in this (white) world, not as a supplicating – essentially invisible and subhuman – thing, but as a very real, imposing and disruptive FACT. My blackness would not be a mere noun or adjective. My blackness would be a verb. A shank! A pistol! A IED (Improvised Explosive Device)! A battling ram!

Yes, those early confrontations (at the hands of “white authorities”) would actually turn out to be the first and most essential keys needed to unlock the doors of my racialized prison – initiating my journey towards absolute liberation. You see. This first door would be that of SELF-REALIZATION. Once this door was unlocked there was no turning back for me. i could no longer resign myself to a condition of alienation. No longer would i be able to conform to white constructed (defined, prescribed and described) categorizations of myself in this world and therefore i actively took up the charge to emancipate myself. By asserting and establishing myself as an active subject – as opposed to mere object of an external Other. i was then able to bring into being my own self certainty. Establishing my own truth by transforming the world into my own object (through action) and as such making it subject to my will. As an active (living and breathing) negation of white supremacy i was effectively disrupting and transforming prevailing social relations. And thus creating and bringing to fruition a true outcome of joint becoming and recognition within the context of race relations. It was at this point of realization that i was able to finally give name to my anger and purpose. As a black man asserting my own claim on the world (i WILL FREE MY FUCKING SELF!). Through my creative praxis and living activity i would remake the world in my OWN image (one action at a time). My black existence had served as the catalyst for my self-realization. My self-realization the catalyst for my struggle. My struggle the catalyst for my rebellious activity. My rebellious activity the basis of my life’s mission (absolute liberation)…. It was this truth that ultimately gave rise to One-Man.

“Without the formative activity, fear remains inward and mute, and consciousness does not become explicitly for itself. If consciousness fashions the thing without that initial absolute fear, it is only an empty self-centered attitude; for its form or negativity is not negativity per se, and therefore its formative activity cannot give it a consciousness of itself as essential being. If it has not experienced absolute fear but only some lesser dread, the negative being has remained for it something external.” – Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel

Yes. i was born a prisoner but to escape this prison i realized that i would have to die (negate and sacrifice it ALL) in order to be reborn. Hence, i became a fugitive and outcast. My crimes would be my pursuit of FREEDOM. (i am a runaway in a society of SLEEPING SLAVES.)

i am liberating myself of ALL shame and guilt. i am actively challenging and interrogating “HISTORY”. i am defiantly rejecting ALL social mores in order to set my own course and define myself (ABSOLUTELY and COMPLETELY) on my OWN terms. And while the “Othered” sleeping slaves acquiesce to and embrace the story of themselves as told by their slave masters….

While they seek their masters validation – desperate to see their names and faces (painted on white walls and monuments) in the annals of history…. i am writing my own story and building my own monuments.

While they remain content speaking the language of their masters…. i have been crafting my own language.

While they answer to the names that have been assigned to them…. i have named myself.

While they – ignorantly embracing and speaking to notions of freedom and humanity that they have NEVER truly experienced nor DEFINED THEMSELVES – essentially accept and apotheosize whiteness as the ultimate measure and arbiter of their freedom and humanity…. i ACTIVELY work to define and secure my own freedom and humanity.

Again i say. i am aware that i was born a prisoner – enslaved to the condition of my (black) racialized existence. i also know, however, that before i was made a black man i was born a MAN. i know that i am the living manifestation of freedom. i know that i – just as ALL “Human Beings” – was born with the agency to shape the world with my own hands in accordance to my own vision and will. And i know that it’s the trauma of immediate black racialized existence that has served to quicken me to this (my own) TRUTH and set me on the path of self-emancipation.

But of course there are many layers to freedom. It is a life long endeavor after all. And as such the deeper you go – as more is revealed to you – the clearer things become. But what is also true is that the journey grows more arduous and onerous – as the test and challenges grow more frequent and difficult – the further you go down the path. It all comes down to how far you are actually willing to go. For me this journey is ALL or NOTHING.

Yet, just as my black existence would serve as the basis for (One-Man) my journey towards self-emancipation. So would blackness reveal to me the true certainty of my SELF becoming as a FREE MAN. As perhaps there would be NOTHING more telling in regards to the disruptive, negating, and transformative impact and agency of my work/actions (towards absolute liberation) than the often emotional, and even violent, responses and reactions that One-Man (the living manifesto of my liberation) has conjured up in other BLACK individuals. It is from this perspective that I’ve come to recognize just how much my self-becoming (my liberating and self-emancipatory activity) serves as a powerful negating and abolishing threat to existing race relations….

(RUN NIGGER! because you are not one of us because you’re an outsider you do not talk, walk or act like one of us you have no roots here…

because you threaten to break these beautiful chains… .

because you reek of something foreign you are simply too strange for us you’re a weirdo a circus freak yes, you belong to those pallid people they should have you they love to collect strange things after all – For Whites Only)

Again, it was as a result of personal experiences (with black individuals) that I’d come to truly understand how my work was perceived in the eyes of black people and the “NEGATIVE” impact that my self-emancipatory activity has, not only on whiteness, but also on blackness. But (yet again) the greatest of these revelations would come by way of 2 specific and personal encounters. Whereby, as a direct result and response to the work, my blackness would be brought into question. Yet as it would turn out these incidents as well would have a very significant, transformative, enlightening and revelatory impact. As they would serve not only to validate the work, but also to quicken in me a deeper sense of clarity and purpose; instigating a profound breakthrough and new turning point (Points of Departure) for me and my mission. Mind you, the first encounter would actually turn out to be the inspiration for the action i would perform in Italy (For Whites Only). While the second, occurring upon my return from Italy would have more of a definitive (both confirming and affirming) impact. In both of these incidents, however, i was charged (either directly or indirectly) with the crimes of “BLACK” betrayal. In the first (although scathing nonetheless) the charges, veiled in umbrae and delivered under the guise of friendly and constructive criticism, were much more implicit. It was in these moments where it would be first revealed to me that (due to my work and actions) i had essentially been othered by black people. It was here where I’d first be made aware that even in the eyes of my “OWN” people, i was perceived as an alien and outsider. “There is no help for you… . You are a floater and have no REAL roots in the black community.” It was here where I’d be made aware that my work and actions had somehow placed me outside of blackness. i began to recognize that my self-emancipation – too incomprehensible (strange and weird) for “BLACK” standards – was ultimately regarded as some strange white artsy type shit…. “You are a black man who paints his body and runs around naked in the streets doing weird shit. Yes, they [white people] … absolutely eat that up.” It was in this moment that it would first be made clear to me that my freedom was ultimately (disdainfully) perceived – in many black folks eyes – as an act of selling out to whiteness…. “After-all, that’s who your REAL audience is [white people] and, let’s face it, that’s who your work actually resonates with. I think those are your TRUE supporters. Not to mention they’re always desperately looking to get involved and take on a needy black cause.”

Yet, whereas, in the first encounter these charges (against my blackness) would be far more suggestive and implied. In the second encounter however they’d be violently asseverated (explosively direct and explicit). That is to say, in the first encounter my blackness had merely been charged; yet in the second it would essentially be convicted, sentenced and executed. The charges in this encounter would also cut deeper as they would come from an individual that i had (at the time) deeply trusted, respected and confided in. An individual that had claimed to truly support my work and mission. And while (to be quite honest) i must admit deep down i had long questioned if this person actually harbored some unfavorable feelings towards me – because of my work and views. i (for the most part) however just chose to ignore and deny it. Not fully comprehending until later their clever use of projection as a subterfuge to express their true (hidden) feelings. And while there would be a great many of such projections. This one in particular would impact me the most: “It’s just my observation but I feel like your work and messages challenge black people in a very uncomfortable way. It makes them question everything they’ve come to accept and know as true. Your actions pose a challenge to the normal order and function of things. Because let’s face it, you’re different and this makes folks scared. Therefore they’re not able or willing to understand you beyond what they immediately see. Because we all know when folks are confronted with something new or different. When they are faced with something that threatens or challenges the normal order and takes them out of their comfort zone, their immediate reaction will be to attack it. They will want to destroy it.”

And it would be in this context that, hearing their (later) words screamed at me in a subsequent confrontation, EVERYTHING would finally be made crystal clear. As their words, although fomented by a mutual disagreement and spoken in the heat of anger, still nonetheless revealed long held, suppressed and deep seated feelings of animosity and disdain…. “Go to the white motherfuckers! That’s who you love! That’s where you belong! I’ve always known this! Take your ass to them! That’s where you REALLY want to be! We’re too BLACK for you!” What was even more telling however was the basis for this anger. It would be the reasoning for which accusation and guilt had already been established well before the actual conflict that would give rise to the spiteful and inimical words themselves. It would essentially be, nothing other than, the result of their own (self-professed) “insecurity and jealousy” (of me and my work) that my blackness would ultimately be brought under attack. At the end of the day it would all come down to the fact that i was now perceived as DIFFERENT. (“It’s because I think he has changed. Something happened to him in Venice. He came back different.”) Yes. At the end of the day it was simply because i was different. It was because i was actually getting free…. Because i had grown and evolved beyond the form of mere caterpillar and had now taken flight with the butterfly wings of my liberation. Because they had not the courage to sprout their OWN wings. They had not the courage to liberate themselves. Because as (alienated) subjects and slaves to blackness they remain trapped in the prisons of their (Othered) racialized and objectified existence – which ultimately determines them.

However, it was in these encounters that i would again find my true self. Because it would be in these moments that everything would again be made clear and brought full circle for me. It was in these moments that i RE-MEMBERED myself. i remembered that my struggle was not to be a “BLACK” man but a FREE MAN. Yet sadly, it was a result of these encounters that I’d also come to realize that TRUE freedom (in the BLACK mind) was STILL essentially deemed the property of whiteness, and as such its pursuit ultimately perceived to be a white endeavor. Thus my self-emancipation had not merely posed a threat to whiteness but it was also seen as a threat and affront to blackness.

What both of these confrontations had revealed to me was the true reciprocatory nature of black racialized existence. As i was now made very aware how we in fact reproduce (hence enslave) ourselves as expressions of the objective relations of a white supremacist society. It is the fact that our objectification is not only externally imposed but it is internally reproduced. However, by ACTIVELY asserting myself as a conscious black subject in the world i have in fact disrupted the social relations that reproduce the conditions of my black objectified being. Yet as a result of this activity, i have also transformed myself into something new. i have transformed myself into an active manifestation and personification of freedom. As Noam Chomsky posits, “the essence of human nature is man’s freedom and his consciousness of his freedom.” Therefore as a conscious and active manifestation of freedom i am no longer existing as a “BLACK” BE-ing but am now asserting and establishing myself as a new man, a new BE-ing for SELF! i am henceforth establishing myself as a HUMAN BE-ing.

NOW ASSERTING MYSELF AS A HUMAN SUBJECT RATHER THAN A RACIALIZED OBJECT….

In the words of Jean-Paul Sartre, “Humans are not objects to be used by God or a government or corporation or society. Nor we to be “adjusted” or molded into roles – to be only a waiter or a conductor or a mother or worker.” And here i might add, BLACK or WHITE (for that very same fact). “We must look deeper than our roles [our labels, our appearance] and find ourselves.”

It is now clear to me that BLACKness – as a determinant unto itself – has its own limits and is not a FINAL destination. And while blackness was my beginning it could (nor would) not be the determination for my end. For my course is set towards absolute freedom. And true freedom requires the negation of ALL BLOCKS (race, gender, sexuality, politics, religion etc…). And again, such a negation requires the relinquishment of ALL stability – that is EVERYTHING we now uphold and recognize as natural and true. Mind you. What i did not understand until now is that this negation would not simply necessitate the abolishment of whiteness (a white constructed and dominated world) but it would also ultimately require an abolishment of blackness. And although i still hold true to the belief that black liberation holds the seeds (it is a key) to human liberation. i have now come to a deeper understanding as to what this ACTUALLY means for me in the context of my (self-emancipatory) journey towards absolute freedom. i now clearly see how a true liberation from whiteness also brings about a liberation from the conditions of (black) racialized existence. Therefore black liberation requires a liberation from (and ultimate sublation of) blackness itself. It has been this ultimate breakthrough that has awakened me to the reality that i am no longer a subject to “blackness”. Recognizing that my racialized and objectified “BLACK” BE-ing is essentially reproduced through social relations that are arbitrated between (both) blacks and whites. And that it’s this socially perpetuated call and response that takes on its own independent form reproducing (and essentially corporealizing) my alienation in the (Frankensteinian) social structure and construct of RACE. No. i do not have to obey or answer to blackness. For it is as a direct result of my OWN activity – the self-awareness that inverted my condition as an alienated object muted and trapped inside myself (as a BE-ing for an OTHER) to a self-activated and conscious subject (a BE-ing for MYSELF) – that my objectified black existence (as condition directly dictated and mediated by white supremacy) was obliterated. Hence blackness no longer determines me. It is i in fact that NOW determines it!

What has now been made plain is that the challenges posed by those recent confrontations (and individuals) were essential test. Because in the end both would serve as harbingers, marking the coming of a new me. Both were profoundly significant in instigating an even deeper awakening in me – signaling both my departure and my arrival to a new level. They showed me that i no longer had to be circumscribed to the prison of racialized existence. They showed me the alienated relationship that black people maintain with this white dominated world. The alienated condition that keeps us existing as slaves and subjects to “blackness”. In this regard our objectified being is perpetuated by our own “activity”. It is a result of institutionalized and socially subjugating (racially instigated) relations that foster our sense of inferiority – which responds to and is dictated by external forces that we perceive to be beyond our power to overcome. Thus we come to apotheosize and reproduce objectified blackness as an intrinsic and normal state of BE-ing – “I don’t have to do nothing but stay black and die!” (Of course in a world founded and constructed on white supremacy, blackness is indeed intrinsic.) Sadly, as we’ve come to believe that we cannot be ANYTHING other than “BLACK”, we are essentially validating the white world by asseverating that we cannot be anything other than that which we have been NAMED and MADE to be by external white hands. Which is to ultimately say that we are STILL nothing but the lowly, alienated and inhuman property (objects/things) of white masters.

“Slaves and dogs are named by their masters. Free men name themselves” – Richard B. Moore

As we ultimately see ourselves to this racialized end we essentially negate and capitulate our self-determining agency, as FREE beings (object makers) capable of creating and shaping the world in our own image and according to our own will – which is to say, we essentially surrender our humanity. And instead we are reduced to (“BLACK”) objects/things who’s existence responds to, and is determined by an external Other. The idea of which is concisely described in, ‘Fanon and the Theory of Race’, as we maintain an alienated and hence inverted relationship with the world and ourselves, our “self-determining agent is turned inside out, and [as a result] the object creating human being exists as an object that is created by another subject.” Thus we are ultimately reduced to function and exist as slaves to our (racialized) appearance – as it is essentially a (external) white gaze that composes, defines and determines us. ALL that we are, achieve and aspire to be is a result and response to this fact. Thus our activity – as “black” beings – is merely an extension of white (racially constructed) expression, for it serves to validate and perpetuate as opposed to negate and annihilate this white world and the construct of race upon which it stands. Yes. EVERYTHING we do (as black people) we do under the foremost consideration and recognition of the white gaze. It dictates our EVERY move, and our ENTIRE sense of BE-ing. It’s this condition that keeps us beholden to and preoccupied with (inferior/shame induced) notions of “BLACK” pride, dignity and excellence as measured on the basis of racially identified achievements (again, expressed in response to the objective relations of a white dominated society) – e.g., First ‘BLACK’ President - First ‘BLACK’ astronaut - First ‘BLACK’ brain surgeon - First ‘BLACK’ Harvard graduate - First ‘BLACK’ Academy Award winner - First ‘BLACK’ golf champion - First ‘BLACK’ prima ballerina - First ‘BLACK’ Ms. America - First ‘BLACK’ Annie - First ‘BLACK’ “Fine Artist”- First ‘BLACK’ garbage man etc…. And while we measure ourselves (and our progress) by these standards, it is such thinking that actually serves to validate the conditions of our inferiority and dehumanization. As it establishes and validates blackness as a state of being that exist in subordination to whiteness. It is for this very reason why i constantly say and believe, that black people have no real clue as to what freedom and humanity TRULY is. For we – existing in an alienated condition – have surrendered our humanity and thus our freedom to this (“black” racialized and objectified) thing-hood. So for us – as our self-determining agency has been muted – humanity and freedom is that which can only be defined and thus essentially granted by the white Other/Master. Therefore, humanity and freedom for the “black” man must always be measured in accordance to an established white standard. Which i believe is exactly what Fanon meant (in Black Skin, White Masks) when he wrote: The black man wants to be white, the white man slaves to reach a human level.

Furthermore, this statement also speaks to the fact that blackness nor whiteness are intrinsic properties of human nature and condition. But they (blackness and whiteness) are in fact, intrinsic properties of race – a man-made construct – the products of learned and conditioned behavior arising out of social, historical, political and institutional power relations. As such, race – with its inherent character of racialism – by design stands antithetical to human nature. For it negates the possibility for mutual recognition and thus precludes us from bringing into being the true universal consciousness (One-Man) necessary for the actualization of absolute (universal) freedom and humanity. It is by this regard that both black and white people alike are enslaved by race. And it is also for this reason that i again put forward my belief in black liberation as a key and tool for (true) human liberation. For TRUE black liberation cannot be a movement that’s determination is to usurp and replace white power. Although black liberation first requires the negation of whiteness as a means to – while disrupting and essentially extirpating the socially reproduced dynamics that give life to and perpetuate alienated and objectified conditions within the racial construct – establish a balance of joint becoming (and recognition) within the context of race relations. However, true black liberation also requires the liberation of black people from the conditions of racialized existence itself. Thus (i reiterate) black liberation also requires the absolute sublation of BOTH whiteness and blackness (or as Hegel puts it, the absolute sublation of both “master and slave”) alike – hence abolishing race itself. As it is only then that a true universal consciousness can be brought into being, a consciousness that allows us to recognize and re-member ourselves (that is, bringing into unity a universal human consciousness) as TRULY free HUMAN BE-ings. And it is by this very same fact that as long as we continue to uphold and remain beholden to ANY and ALL determinations (THE BLOCKS) we ALL (Black, White, Brown, Beige, Red and Yellow) remain slaves, trapped in this prison of socially constructed and perpetuated dehumanization.

Now fully understanding that blackness is not a burden that i have to bear. Nor is it a container that i must accept and circumscribe my being to. i do not have to be content in “blackness”, excusing myself to remote and delicate corners of the world. DAMMIT. i AM THE WORLD!

That said. As ONE-MAN i hereby announce my departure and arrival to a next level. i aim to abolish ALL BLOCKS. i will LOVE and FUCK who i choose (man, woman, white, black or other)! i will masturbate and cum in holy books. i will strip naked in churches and temples. i will spit at all authority and institutions. i will defile monuments. i will curse (both) MASTER and SLAVE! i will tear down walls. i will invade cities, states and countries. i will push limits and cross boundaries. i will spread these seeds of revolution. i will negate - negate - NEGATE! And in the words of Fanon, “He who is reluctant to recognize me is against me.”

LIBERATION is my RELIGION…. FREEDOM is my GOSPEL!

#iAmNegation

Photo by: Gim Gwang Cheol

#oneman #iamfugitive #iamoutcast #iamnegation #theblocks #pointsofdeparture #operationnegation

0 notes