#i'm supposed to be studying but i CANNOT stop thinking about weird but functional family au

[masao-micchi]

Your time travel au…does Martin ever show up?

OMG bHAHA i just got off from my daydream about this AU

NONE OF THIS IS REAL OK its just me being delusional,,,!!! and scenes change frequently because idk i love to rework my ideas and live them over and over again,, but feel free to enjoy whatever:

i imagine that the original team comes back eventually, because the memories of their old lives trickle back, and they plan to save jon from ever being promoted.

They work at the institute w their old jobs (Tim and sasha in Research, Martin in the Library) and slowly reveal that they still have their memories intact,, and the friendship between them becomes 10x stronger

The only difference is that jon isn't there when he's supposed to be working in research, and that's because he has a job somewhere else. Elias and gertrude didnt want him near the archives (he always invites trouble LKJDFKJS) and over the years elias has grown protective of his adopted son (and the beholding approves of this anyway so yeah,, their only conflict now is that he can be such a helicopter dad)

so one day in the library while the trio were hanging out there, Gerard shows up and says he needs some books for his boyfriend (jokingly ofc,, he's just bffs w jon) and they help him out

cue jon coming in, covering his face w/ a mask and sunglasses so he wouldn't be recognized by the institute staff that watch him grow up there since he was 8 (because elias instructed to throw him out LMAO). Jon barges in, frustrated at gerry taking so long.

they banter a bit, and the trio somehow recognize the voice of "gerard's bf". Finally gerry introduces him as jon, and all four of them make eye contact. Jon is speechless, slowly reveals himself and stops breathing, but pretends to not know them

sasha is surprised, tim is shocked, and martin is insanely jealous ALKSJDLASDLKFKJ they dont tell him they remember anything tho and jon does the same,,, leading into really awkward and angsty situations

and it follows w random moments such as simon fairchild coming in to visit his "favorite nephew" or elias forcing jon to take his vitamins and sleep early,, maybe agnes and jude hanging out for no reason,, mike crew barging in and reading in his Designated Library Corner,, peter lukas going grocery shopping for whatever health supplement elias wants jon to take,, gertrude being a worse helicopter grandmother to jon,, oliver banks sleeping like the dead next to mike crew in his Designated Library Corner,, mikaele salesa bringing jon random knick knacks....

.... and sasha, martin, and tim just lose their minds over the sheer absurdity of it all LMAASLDJSLF

and ofc martin and jon try to woo each other but believing the other hates them etc (cue misunderstandings and dumbassery)

IT'S DUMB I KNOW but it's just all in my mind leave me alone to cope SKSKSSK

More of this AU here

#the magnuse archives #tma #this is unhealthy i know #i'm supposed to be studying but i CANNOT stop thinking about weird but functional family au #the magnus protocol #tma2 #jonathan sims #jon sims #martin blackwood #jmart #jonmartin #tmakidjonau

[myvelouri]

I'm having a slight break down. This is going to be way too personal

If anyone is allowed to hate their life (trust me there's a lot of people who are) then it's definitely me.

I'll tell you why. First of all, why should I care about this? I say that to myself, but I care a lot anyway.

I've never really been able to have sex like normal. As in, my body just fucking sucks and does weird shit. So, I've said it before. If I have sex or masturbate for more than 2 weeks, my skin suddenly becomes really oily and I get these hard bumps that eventually turn into fat ass PIMPLES and often times cysts. And yeah, they have scarred my face permanently. I get this on my fave, my back, bottom and arm pits. If I stay abstinent and don't jerk off or ANYTHING, I have the most perfect skin. (The permanent scars are still of course there and many have accumulated). And I just feel like this isn't supposed to happen, this isn't supposed to be real, doctors say it's impossible, yet it's happening to me and it's dead ass real. I've done many experiments and changed the variables like a science project, and it WAS one. I can prove this happens to me. But it's not about you believing me. I'm extremely... Heart broken that this is happening at all. My heart starts to shake. Because this seems unrealistic. Still, 15 years later. I still have to deal with this. To cope, I tell myself, well, other people just have acne ALL the time without being able to stop it, but me? I know what triggers it, and I don't have acne at all, but if I don't have sex as much as I want to, then I'm good to go. But my god it's such torture. It truly is. All of my ex's and past FWB actually ARE aware of this "condition" I have. They seem to be totally baffled by it too, and how real it is.

And it affects not just my own sense of freedom and enjoyment... But my god, when your girl is horny and she wants to fuck your brains out and you have to say "I'm sorry babe, I just can't... I can't right now, it'll be bad for me" it hurts the relationship wether she says "okay babe, I understand" or not. It just does.

And on top of all that, my dick size pisses me off. I'm 6'2", my dick should be huge. But it ain't. And here's another kicker, I can't fucking get hard. Imagine a 20 year with a fuck ass dick. Yeah, hi, that's me.

Although I stopped any kind of masturbation and porn for months at a time and it totally helped my erection.. it felt so fucking horrible. Wasting months and years of my life unable to just whack off or have fun having sex with someone I like and likes me.

It's cruel. It's so fucking cruel.

But to make myself feel fucking better, I tell myself, "hey, at least I wasn't born a pedophile, imagine how much worse that would be." And yeah. That doesn't even make me feel better anymore

My heart is racing now, as I type this.

My face in scars, my body just awful.

There's also the fact that I have a condition, a oral one, so, my mouth and jaws never fully properly formed growing up, and my face grew elongated and basically gave me a perma-derpy face. Picture Napoleon Dynamite, but brown, and fat. That's what the fuck happenened to me. It's a common condition. And you can see my school pictures every year from kindergartner to 5th grade and watch my face degrade and retard. It's fascinating to see. But I used to be a beautiful fuckin kid. This condition made me so ugly. I remember before I had it. In kindergarten and before, I have memories of girls all over me saying I was so cute. Girls asked me to marry them in kindergarten. But a few years later, those same girls didn't recognize me. It was traumatic for me. Big time. In fact, my heart is racing even faster right now. I'm gonna take a sip of my alcohol real quick.

Okay. So, on top of all that, I was a heavy kid. Well, luckily for me I'm a smarty pants and I was able to lose all my weight by 14 years old. Super skinny. But guess what? I have loose skin. It's rather mild but my god I cannot wear tight shirts at all. It's awful. I never take my shirt off in public. I've been working out and I can look decent in pictures in a few poses. But it's still horrendous in real life. You can see stretch marks too. I don't mind those.

But yeah. I've never felt free. I still have that insecurity and I usually try to hide my body if the wind is pushing my shirt into my body. I get anxiety and start sweating. It's just mental. I can't stop it, I can't okay?

And here's another thing. I was always really intelligent, very quick, and extremely funny. I used to be the class clown in my classes and even in my family (I have tons of relatives) and I used to be so popular on both of those social scenes. It was incredible. Girls would like me for my personality but wouldn't date or fuck me because they said I looked too ugly and goofy. Yeah, let me tell you, that took a long time to be okay with. I'm not okay with it still, but I won't cry anymore about it. So yeah, my brain, the only thing I cherished. I was amazing at video games, above average in everything I did, I used to help out my friends and family in video games and they'd be so impressed, they'd love me so much. I'd play online and people would go nuts at my skills, even when playing multiplayer games with family actually, I'd do some crazy fast reaction shots in shooters that was fucking incredible. I used to play professionally with a team I had too. I was looked up to in many ways. I was told that too. And so I loved my brain. I remember the quality of life, being capable of joking around, and it was so much fun, what a great gift of life. I'd joke around nonstop, riff with everyone, and I'd always be the one to win and end up making everyone crack up. Wow. That was FUN. It made life worth living and is why I absolutely adore comedy. But... I suddenly was hit with depression. I isolated myself. And slowly, my brain started to deteriorate. I have lost all of my big personality, humor (most of it is gone) my quickness, I'm terrible at games, my brain functions very slowly, I'm terrible at socializing (I used to dominate) and I can't study or pass classes like I used to (I used to with ease) and I can't remember things or memorize things at all anymore. Depression is slowly killing my brain, year by year. It's even worse now.

And now I'm finally old. I have nothing, can't do anything. My depression isn't mild. It was originally diagnosed as "severe depression" and it has killed me, who I am. The real me ain't here. I try not to say that as it makes my sister cry. But I died a long time ago. I'm just a shadow of my former self trying to make the best of whatever is left for me here. I have strong opinions on things, and I can't fucking even care anymore.

The worst part is just waking up. Every day. I hate thinking. But it's all my brain makes me do. And it's not even good at it anymore like I used to be. I wish it would stop. I'm scared to buy a gun. I was getting one for sport. To shoot targets. Not to kill anyone. I mean, it's good for self defense. But I just wanted it for sport. But I'm afraid. Because I think I really would shoot myself in the head eventually. I am so scared of that.

I'm tired.

I'm so very tired.

#personal #depression #me #relationships #heartbreak #heartache