#i'm sorry for doing second person again

[letmetellyouaboutmyfeels]

Having now watched Bridgerton after resisting for years, all I can say is, if Anthony was my sibling and pulled that season two mess after all the trouble he caused me in my love life in season one...

*hands Daphne a knife and gets the hell out of her way*

#personal #I love when my men are messy and pathetic disasters #so it's not that I dislike Anthony at all #he's a sopping wet alley cat you find in the dumpster and I love it #but literally dude the fact that Daphne did not grab the nearest sharp object and stab you... #when he's like man I wish your husband was here to keep you in line BRO #you would have had to HOLD ME BACK #YOU DRAGGED MY HUSBAND'S ASS INTO A DUEL AND THEN NEARLY SHOT ME!!!! #IT'S YOUR FAULT I HAD TO FAKE DATE THE GUY IN THE FIRST PLACE!!! #I'M ABOUT TO FIRE SOME WARNING SHOTS AT *YOUR* HEAD #my siblings know better than to pull that nonsense they know they wouldn't live to see the sunrise #I'm sorry it's been DAYS I just cannot get over this #Lady Bridgerton's like yeah so sad Daphne had to leave because her kid had a cough DON'T LIE VIOLET #SHE LEFT BECAUSE THE OTHER OPTION WAS MURDER!!! #we all know how they got their second kid in Queen Charlotte #Daphne was like either I get a bunch of orgasms or I kill my brother #'aww you guys are pregnant again!' 'yeah it was sex marathon or fratricide' 'what?' 'don't worry about it' #Anthony if you think Simon 'I Fell In Love With Daphne Because of Her Scheming' Bassett #would do anything other than get the hell out of her way #you are SORELY mistaken #anyway don't ask me my overall opinions about the show or we'll be here all day but that one bit is just. haunting me. as a sibling.

[daz4i]

it's incredibly hard not to despair over all of this ngl

#i've been doing really bad in the last 2ish weeks #almost as if i'm having pms symptoms kinda #but usually they go away after a few days. certainly not stick for over a week #this is like how it was before i was on t. without the bleeding ig #(physical stuff also stand bc i feel so extra tired and my whole body hurts constantly) #and all the shit going on in real life isn't helping. both on a global scale and in my personal life #i don't want to exist genuinely i can't be left with my thoughts for even a second or i start spiraling #i don't want to sleep or take a break i want to just. stop. stop thinking. stop existing. i want to die bc it feels like the only choice #but ig i gotta wake up at 7 am and drive for an hour and walk up the hill again instead #and then be active until 6 pm. i'm already exhausted just thinking abt all this ngl #i wanna die i can't do this shit anymore i should've died 13 years ago. why even bother trying to live #vent #negative // #suicide // #ask to tag #sorry. sorry

[l48yr1nth]

Hi. Just wanted to say I really like your art. The way you use shapes is truly amazing and I love every art piece that comes up on my dash. :).

I AM. GOING. TO CRY.!

thank you and i love you and ur awesome and . i love you. :) :) :3

#labyanswering #incoming. incomprehensible ramblings #i seriously cannot say enough how much this rocks to read #i teared up a bit. maybe a sniffle #but i didn't tell you that #you. grab my heart and squeezed it a little #had to sit and take a breath for a second after reading and processing this ask #GRABS YOU #SHAKES YOU VIOLENTLY #DONT BE SO SWEET IN MY INBOX ! IM SHORT CIRCUITING AND OVERHEATING AND MALFUNCTIONING!!! #kisses u gently on the head /p #u are too sweet to me. #im going to. EXPLODE. ALL OVER. EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!! #if you ever talk to me again i will GET YOU #very very happy. veryVERY. happy. #have not been having the greatest of times (relatively) lately. u are why i keep going #i have like been struggling to keep up with my own blog lately and like. tears up a little. #i don't do art for validation but i'm NOT the social-est person so uploading and interacting is a bit of a difference from my usual self;; #and hearing that like. u guys like my stuff so much is my main (like 99%) motivation for continuing to draw and post #also this community rocks! i've made so many friends with similar interests!! I GET TO KNOW SO MANY AWESOME FUCKING ARTISTS!! #PEOPLE I FOR REAL LOOK UP TO IN TERMS OF ART TALK AND DRAW WITH ME!! #AND PEOPLE MIGHT LOOK UP TO ME AS WELL! #AND PEOPLE LIKE WHAT I MAKE! #AND I CAN SEE SO MANY THINGS OTHER PEOPLE MAKE! #THAT I LIKE SO MUCH! #im rambling so hard im sorry #but like i can't put it into words #properly at least #i may not know exactly who you are but i need you to know that i think ur awesome! u rock! #ok im up an hour past when i usually go to bed i have to GO. BYE.

[pollyna]

Maverick is twenty-five and drunk and every house on the Naval Base is the same, just as the key to unlock them, apparently. Or at least is what Mav's drunk mind thinks while he enter in his own house by the window because the key isn't working and if he ends up sleeping on the porch he knows Mother Goose is going to kill him. He just knows.

The bed is particularly soft and warm and Mav can't stop himself from smuggling a little between the sheets until he finds the perfect position and the next thing he knows it's morning, the sun is shining inside the bedroom and his head is killing him. The bed is still particularly soft and warm and hard at the same time. It's a strange dichotomy but his brain is just so fucked up right now he could be sleeping on a rock and won't change much. But apparently he isn't sleeping on a rock because he remembers coming back home last night and rocks don't breath. He's 100% sure of that, at least. But this rock isn't just breathing, he's hugging him too, and speaking. Oh god what the fuck he drunk last night?

Mav go back to sleep the rock, that as a voice really similar to Ice's one, says and who is he to say no when he has nowhere else to be? So he snuggles a little more against the rock, with a voice really really similar to Ice's one, and goes back to sleep.

Slider and Goose find them, hours later, still cuddling in Ice's bed and Mother Goose almost screams because what the fuck Maverick I thought you were dead! but Slider can only laugh and snap a picture for posterity.

(Maverick is fifty-one, drunk as he can get and Mother Goose just left him in front of the right house, he hopes. But all the houses on the Naval Base are the same, are they know? And every keys is still opening all the doors, thirty years didn't change that apparently. But this time the key fits the first time and he doesn't even remember how he arrives in his bed but when he does the bed is soft and warm and hard in a strange way and pets his head and kisses his cheek because it's such a good bed and Mav is so so happy to have him home with him.

The next morning the sun is shining in the bedroom and his head is killing him, while everything seems a dejavù of something happen almost thirty years before. Uhuh yes babe, exactly the same way a voice, Ice's, says from his left side and he's laughing a little because seriously the situation couldn't be more hilarious. Mav opens one eye, and only one because the light could really kill him, and looks at Ice before going say and you're as beautiful as the first morning I woke up in the same position. Ice's laugh a little longer and hugs him a little tighter, I'm so glad you lost yourself that night and Mav can't do nothing more than kiss him because he isn't ready to say his husband is right, at least not so soon in the morning.)

#accidental cuddling #it's a thing #mav is drunk and things ice&slider's house is his house and they end up cuddling #pete maverick mitchell #tom iceman kazansky #nick goose bradshaw #ron slider kerner #everytime mav is drunk he thinks of goose as mother goose #mav is 51 and drunk and he forgets about ice for like a second but at the same time he's the happiest person bc ice's there even if is not #pre relationship #married couple #old married couple #maverick x ice #mavice #domestic bliss #the morning after of mav's 25 is a mix of god i'm sorry and we should do this again #and spoiler allart they did many times in the too many years they were dating and then married #au: goose doesn't die #he and slider actually become friends over shared grief for ice&mav (relationship drama? all the way) #from one base to another #no DADT or homophobia of the time bc we need sappy sappy gays in love in the eighties and supportive friends #ice: 4 stars admiral married to a dumbass of a captain #mav: a dumbass of a capitan married to a 4 start admiral #goose&slider: and they were in 🥺love🥺 #otp: i heard from the heavens that clouds have been grey #top gun (1986) #top gun: maverick

[lctibule]

elsa being super awkward and uncomfortable in social situations for moooonths after the events of the first movie bc she spent so long locked up in her room away from the world and only interacted with her parents for actual years, thanks ✌️

#basically having to relearn how to socialize in a lot of ways while also being extremely nervous about doing/saying the wrong thing #the whole time. bc come ON there's no way there's NO WAY she's suddenly just a functional person again I'm sorry #I think she's pretty okay at faking it but she scrambles a lot for how to handle interactions ok I'll FIGHT over this #and bc she's already an introvert it's just that much harder... just EXHAUSTED before the day is even over from all the socializing #and like??? lbr?? still recovering and working to get past this idea that she might accidentally hurt someone again #bc there's no way that went away in a flash either thanks very much #I'm very opinionated on this ok and idk WHY but I'm thinking about it tonight #she needs time to work through everything and work on herself!!!!! #.......her main verse is set after the end of the second movie but YES I'm still gonna post hc and shit related to everything before okay #apparently I'm v defensive of this I'm v fighty for one of my top comfort characters #❥ 𝐄𝐋𝐒𝐀 、headcanon

[americankimchi]

trying to find more padawan obi wan fics out there that don’t do the following:

turn qui gon into a villainous caricature by reducing him from a complicated, traumatized character to Horrible Person Who Abused Our Poor Obi-Wan Unjustly For His Entire Padawanship Without Pause

turn yoda into a crusty evil gremlin who is cold, calculating, and supremely manipulative. usually framed in a way to make him stuck in his old ways. basically the jedi equivalent of a republican conservative.

and for some reason ki adi mundi also gets this treatment??? what’s going on here

forget that the jedi are a religious community and not a government/military organization

ignore the jedi’s philosophies and ignore or misinterpret the tenets of the jedi code in bad faith

CONSTANTLY say that the jedi are incapable/not allowed to love because ~love is attachment and attachment is forbidden~ when this is so far off what canon AND george lucas tells us it’s hysterical

have obi wan defect/be abandoned by/get kicked out/otherwise leave the jedi order for whatever reason to join the mandalorians

if above happens, uses obi wan and the mandalorians as a mouthpiece to criticize the jedi order for being an inherently flawed organization for which there is no redemption

and instead does the following:

literally just treats the jedi with respect. please. i’m begging you. if i see another “the jedi order lets their children be abused within their organization because for some reason an entire temple full of level 100 psychic empaths would either not notice or care that one of their own is suffering” ice cold take i’m going to explode

#personal #most of the fics i've enjoyed reading fall into either one or more of these pitfalls and i just ignore it and move on #but just once....... just once i would like the ability to read a longfic where i don't have to slide my eyes over a paragraph #and willfully ignore its contents for my peace of mind hjgkhfjkdhgkjf #TO BE FAIR i have found many fics that i DO love with my whole heart that DO treat the jedi respectfully #but. statistically speaking. they are the minority............... #my kingdom to never see another ''the mandalorians were better than the jedi and obi wan would do so much better there<333'' fic ever again #like what do you MEANNNN #obi wan LIVED BREATHED AND LOVED being a jedi so much he is the DEFINITION of service above self #HIS FIRST AND GREATEST LOVE IS THE FORCE. HIS SECOND IS THE JEDI. #WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE WOULD LOVE THE MANDALORIANS MORE. WHAT DO YOU MEEEEEAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNN #THE JEDI WERE HIS FAMILYYYYYYYYYYyyYyYYYYyyyyyyyy #okay sorry i'm done sjkghfjkdg #it's just. the last three or four fics i've read. have all checked at least one or two boxes on my list and i'm tired 😔😔😔

[princess-of-purple-prose]

hi kay!! i keep telling myself i need to watch mp100 since it’s supposed to be so good, but i watched the first couple of episodes a while back and didn’t love them. does that mean i won’t like the whole show, or does it sort of grow into itself?

Hii Astrid!! 💜💜 I'm actually thrilled to get this question because I usually field it while reccing the show!! (Prepare for, just, so much text.) I promise it isn't (just) my bias talking when it say yes, it absolutely does grow into itself! I think to an uncertain viewer, the first episodes, especially the first one, are best viewed while keeping in mind that they're setting up the characters and world (not to mention showing off their animation chops) in them. I know I certainly wasn't super interested by them either when I first started watching the show, which is why I'm so excited to defend it!!

Personally, I was truly hooked onto the show by episode five! I'm not sure where you left off at, but if you didn't get to five, I think it's the first one which felt so visceral that it was upsetting AND which showcased the real ethos and struggles mob has in the show to me. After there, things start snowballing quickly, so if you haven't hit five, I'd really really urge you to watch it! In my opinion, the action and character stakes pick up right around there too, so it is 100% (hehe) worth sticking around for.

Not to mention: I think the one sad thing about mp100 getting supremely popular (plus, uh, reigensweep) is that people go into the show knowing that reigen is the most character of all time, but part of the fun is starting off FUCKING HATING HIM. I was genuinely convinced the reigen love was an elaborate joke when I started the show, and being proved wrong felt RAPTUROUS. That is not an exaggeration. There's a reason that I've rewatched the s1 finale more times than I care to count. And, just so I can make a sales pitch one more time: mob psycho 100, with no exaggeration, might be the story which has caused me to cry more consistently than any other media, which is HIGH praise coming from me. I've never met a narrative of its kind which handles its themes with more love or care. I mean it

Tl;dr: yes, the first episodes are slow, but that makes the payoff of going through with the show a thousandfold more potent!!! The pacing in the beginning is much slower, and you could say that the characters are still feeling themselves out. I am sure you'll like the show if you give it a chance, and I really really hope you'll grow to love it as much as I do!!!! Happy watching!!!!!!!

#HIIIII BESTIE :DDDD omg omg i hope you've been well!!!! #i'm SO glad you asked me this #because a) you've activated my trap card #and b) i genuinely do warn people the first episode or so might not be to their taste when reccing the show! #again i wasn't very into it until five--but upon rewatching i really enjoy all of s1! and obviously i adore the entire show!!! #also speaking of; i misspoke: it isn't THE media to make me cry most consistently #but it's second only to NIGHT VALE. and together those two make up the shows i would tell people explain my personality and beliefs best. #so it's not a competition :) #alright again sorry a lotta lotta text but this truly isn't meant to con you into watching a show you won't enjoy! #mp100 sits at the top of my anime faves list for a DAMN good reason and i really hope it can join yours too 💜💜💜 #asks #emp4 #kay talks #friend tag

[fruitsclipper]

Hello! I'm sorry if this is out of the blue, but how'd you get so good at crochet? Your doily looks amazing! I can knit very simple stuff and I've been meaning to pick up crochet, but knit/crochet language for projects can be confusing lol. Also how's your day been?

ahhh i've been crocheting for like 4... and a half? years or so now ... so i think a big part of my skill is just lots of practice! back when i was starting out (learning the stitches) i would make soooo many little "test" swatches to make sure my tension is even, that all the stitches look uniform etc. ^_^ but even still whenever i do a flat project i always make the foundation chain too tight... sob

some written patterns get really confusing with all the abbreviations and whatnot :( if you're lucky sometimes there's charted patterns which might be less confusing. plus it's kindof like a visual guide to see what and how each row/ round will look instead of just. guessing

i've been meaning to get into knitting but having two needles to deal with instead of just one hook is like @_@ too much at once!! afghan/ tunisian crochet is similar to knitting i've heard but idk enough about knitting to say for sure lol

my day's been alright! i packed up some of my stuff for moving back in2 my dorm... classes start back up for me on monday + move-back-in is tomorrow. yaay 🎉

#messages #sorry this is kind of long i get excited about crochet hehe ^^; #Also one more thing i can say is i don't like working flat (“traditional”) projects #the ones u flip back and forth. it is just annoying to me personally! #working in the round (granny squares... doilies etc.) is soo much easier. Again to me personally #also tunisian crochet is my friend as well. no turning. and the simple stitch (tss) is sooo cushy and soft and lovely #Also also. secret second thing im going to say. the doily i'm doing is like suuuper advanced #of course there's flat ones (one of my favorite patterns is made like entirely out of double crochet + a few chains. it lays completely fla #Now i lost my train of thought oops ^^; i think i was going 2 say start off easy. make as many little projects #as it takes 2 get familiar with stitches. and then maybe do a project with one new stitch to you. popcorn... front/ back post... clusters.. #+ if it ends up badly then frog it!! re-wind it into the ball for next time #ohh my god. sorry for the long tags. i hope you're having a good day ♥

[running-in-the-dark]

I just had to see this comment on that 'how anxious are you while driving' poll:

and tbh... haha shut your mouth :)

#thanks for the advice! guess I'll not leave the house ever again then :) #bitch I have anxiety. everything makes me a bit anxious sometimes. so yeah driving IS a bit scary sometimes. #but guess what? I can judge if I'm safe to drive or not! and I fucking am! #I've never even put the tiniest scratch in the car. #I drive better than plenty of people that I know and it's *because* it makes me a bit anxious sometimes #I pay attention to everything. I don't drive too fast I don't do stupid shit I'm a good driver #not perfect. definitely not. #but I know what I feel comfortable with and if I don't I don't fucking drive (like yeah when there's lots of snow I won't drive!) #sorry but I hate shit like this #if this is your opinion uuh don't talk to me I guess? because it's shitty as fuck #like?? why do you think you can judge that shit better than. I don't know. my driving instructor for example? that man saw me have a panic #attack in my second lesson and he was still the one who convinced me I could do it. #even the examiner thought I did great even though I was very anxious (because it's a fucking TEST. and it's expensive as fuck.) #so please fuck off :) #sorry I don't usually care about stupid shit like this but I had to see that on my dash and. nope it's too fucking stupid to ignore #they probably meant well. and I don't care! :) because I've heard shit like this my whole life and if I didn't do everything that makes me #anxious I couldn't do ANYTHING. yes. driving is serious. making sure everyone on the road isn't in danger is serious. and guess what? I'm #completely sure I take that into consideration more than 99% of drivers before they get into their cars :) #okay rant over I'm done I just. ugh it makes me mad. #personal

[ilikeyoshi]

fascinated by the number of replies on that poll that are just "no bc it's none of my business" like. ok???? extremely weird point to make. would it also be none of your business if that friend like. mugged somebody. hit their partner. tf does "it's not my business" have to do with anything they have displayed blatant disregard for the trust and love of others. it's GONNA be your business when they do some heinous shit behind your back.

#idk man i think ppl give run of the mill cheaters too much credit like #“yeah but are they sorry?” “yeah but did they only do it once?” do you think cheaters are like. possessed. like they black out and do shit #what is so complicated about "person has agreed to terms in a relationship in which both parties have placed a lot of trust in each other #only to turn around and DECIDE (BECAUSE YOU DON'T? ACCIDENTALLY CHEAT?) that actually my feelings are more important than other ppl's trust #i knew the replies would make me mad but VMIFKFJGFJJH seriously. it's none of your business. that's ALL you've got #yoshi talks #like i'm not saying they don't deserve to ever have friends again. i'm just saying if someone treats people who trust them #that badly on purpose that like. if they do lose friends they have no one to blame but themself. #and also like i'm lowkey concerned for all these ppl just waving off any responsibility like! cool! good to know i can't #count on you not to literally find out someone has been mistreated and then pretend you didn't see it either! #like u know that a) you ALSO sound like an untrustworthy loser who will just decide throw ppl to the wolves #and b) you're like? putting yourself at risk of being lied to or turned on or betrayed too? if ur friend can do that to one person #they can do it to ANYONE. that means u too!!! get out of there!!!! u deserve friends who won't throw u away like trash the second ur #friendship inconveniences them!!!!

[casiavium]

The movie I'm watching right now queer baited me harder than supernatural 😭

#no but like FOR REAL #because they introduce a character who crossdresses for fun and breaks men's hearts for fun #and then they introduce a right person wrong time I have to find her again fate thing #and the guy tries to find the girl and surprise. it's his cross dressing friend #and there's a whole thing about them being rivals right now because of the way the guy was trying to find his dream girl #and the first guy having to stop that because it's unauthorized by the school and he doesn't know the second is behind it #until he describes the way he met his dream girl #and guy 1 realizes that was him dressed as a girl. and there's this whole scene where he uses the costume to betray him and it was like AHHH #and then. this other girl is like oh why would you notice me you should go out with me now that you no your dream girl is a guy #but! the second says I don't care if you're a guy! you're my dream GUY! at the same time guy one goes actually i wouldn't mind being a girl #and you think they're about the have a cute queer end game BUT THIS BITCH. BREAKS THEM UP. AND THE SECOND GUY ENDS UP WITH THE SECOND GIRL. #WHO HAS THE AUDACITY TO BE LIKE oh I'm sorry for your friend :( is he doing okay? #AHHHHHHHHHHH

[bigboobshaunt]

Mercado Libre has what's perhaps the worst app in the business, which is really embarrassing considering its size, and also just godawful customer service. I would prefer not to switch to amazon if I could help it, but goddamn.

#how many times do I have to scan my damn face and send you pics of my documents #I am embarrassed of this at this point #there's 2fa and then there's whatever this is #yeag sorry I no longer have the same phone number as when I made this account over a decade ago I guess #I'll try to send you my docs for the third time and scan my face AGAIN I guess #no it wasn't helpful at all WHY DID YOU SEND ME AN EMAIL PATTING YOURSELF IN THE BACK FOR THAT INTERACTION #you failed to help me in any way what the fuck?? #if I could record my screen rn I would show you me going to their website. being asked if I prefer to continue using the app or the browser #choosing browser and then it opens the app. how on earth do you even fuck that up. I #personal #I actually have like. an unclaimed ninty eshop 20 usd card on my og account #that neither the seller nor the website will let me receive on a second account #no matter how I've offered to prove my identity #I guess it just sits in my messages forever now #I contacted them with the e-mail address I have linked to that account I can't access rn and had the worst interaction I have ever had #'hey I have a product key waiting in my messages but can't currently access that account at the moment. I can provide you witu verification #'I'm sorry we can only verify you if you were to contact us through this method w the same e-mail address you have linked to that account' #'... this IS that e-mail address. I've just explained it to you' #'You can use your e-mail address or username with a password to access your account and your messages screen' #'As I've already told you. It is not letting me even after I submit verification through your facial recog and document scan methods' #'we're sorry. you can try sending us an e-mail with the e-mail address (art**********@outlook.com.br) you have linked to the account' #'.....................this is that exact e-mail address. the one You Are Responding To Right Now. I've already told you this #*they send me a link to reset my password... for some reason* #*I sent them yet another. more politely and clearly worded message explaining my situation- #-that I no longer have the phone number they want me to authenticate it with and their alt methods all end up in failures when I try* #*they send a message telling me my support ticket has been marked as concluded and asking me to rate the interaction* #(an ad for their crypto business adorns the signature of that e-mail as a final Fuck You) #partway through the whole thing I started wondering about the cadence of their support's response and... I think it might be AI 🤦🏼‍♂️

[todayisafridaynight]

Y'know I'm not big on shipping so sometimes I'm like: "Man, why is it all Kazumaji." when searching for fanart but then I am on Twitter and... I think I am fine with Kazumaji on Tumblr.

i don't know the further implications of this and the diff between twit and tumblr kazumaji but Personally to me it just isn't my cup of tea and i don't really get the pairing

#snap chats #maybe its cause its popular and i have popularitis or something idfk i just cant see the appeal #or. i CAN but not personally yk. i understand why other people like it is what i mean it just doesnt do it for me for some reason #like Sorry Everyone Trying To Scroll The Kazumaji Tag Rn In Peace but ima spit #nvm i forgot what i was gonna say. never mind i remember #anyway it just doesn't do anything for me #like it's not wholly established and there isn't even a lot of in-text reasons to like it which . Hasn't Stopped Me Before #but like i don't have anything to go off of... like the pairings i like i have something to point at and go 'ah there it is mental illness' #and ig with kazumaji there's SOME things like Again I Can See Where People Are Coming From #but it's nothing that makes me go Ah.. The Brain Barnacles Are Here #we been over this but it's been a while but kiryu and majima's relationship really does just feel professional after a certain point #like y3 the earliest but ESPECIALLY after saejima comes into the picture #idk im rambling about something that WILL get me shot but i'm speaking my truth on my blog #moving on. watched the first half of tonbi today..... crying... #i have to update my Top Cutest TTM Charas list now... #but i gotta do these comms first ok bye #then im watching the second half if these dont take me all night..

[obessivedork]

Tbh I’m only keeping Sebastian installed so that Lelianna recognizes Hawke in MOTA and it’s very funny to imagine Hawke justifying why he’s around to their friends. “Look, yeah this dude SUCKS so bad he’s the antithesis to most of us including & especially Anders and Merrill and ME and even the most pro-Chantry/anti-mage of you can’t stand him but he’s paying well and I’d rather keep my friends close and enemies closer, so get off my dick (gender neutral) about it I promise he won’t learn about wicked grace night!”

#rip sebastian enjoyers I simply get 0 enjoyment from choir boy outside of Varric's obvious dislike #I respect u and if it wasn't 'save room for andraste' flavoured I'd LOVE having a cannon no sex romance. But no smooches even? :( #just a little cheek smooch? forehead smooch? no? :( BOO! I'm ace but I want cheek and forehead Smooches!!! #also IK it isn't true in DA cannon but the SECOND Sebastian threatens to march on Kirkwall any of my Hawkes just kill chior boy #like bbgirl IK u loved Elthina but she was absolutely useless and deserved what she got sorry not sorry #*useless at best maliciously manipulative and DEEPLY at fault for everything spiraling like it did at worst #My only regret is Meredith and Cullen weren't with her in there lmfao #the ONE time I picked Seb over Anders was the time I made Carver a Templar. But I LOVE Warden! Carver so much more so. never again #and that hawke only got mad at Anders because MY BROTHER COULD'VE BEEN ON DUTY THERE TONIGHT #not for any moral grandstanding lmfao. sorry my dudes we have 0 moral highground with the number of enemies we've carved through in the game #Seb really does suffer from being DLC though he FEELS like an outsider to the group who keeps inviting himself #dragon age #*tagging for my own blog's sorting system I really hope it doesn't actually show up in the tag after all my rambling tags #bc I'm not here to be rude to people who do actually like the dude I just personally don't

[syrenki]

i will never understand centering romance in life i'm sorry

#i mean truly it is something but to revolve your life around it to a degree i see some of my peers do? hell #i have friends who when i ask them how they're doing first things first they talk about their boyfriends #and how those boyfriends tried to break up with them multiple times already but oh they just KNOW they actually love them so much #and probably are just scared of caring about somebody #like #you living like this?? this is how you live???? this is a priority for you and the subject of a majority of your thoughts? #it seems like it #god #like i have this one friend and literally nothing seems to matter to them as much as their bf #it's fucking insane to me i'm sorry #they tell me they have a problem and i'm like what is it. and they tell me their boyfriend tried to break up or cheated on them again #and like??? #they had their most important exams of their education up to this day in that week #as did all my peers #and me #and that person was just like 'i don't really care i haven't been studying in months cause i'm too fucked up and mentally ill and alt #i just want to get those exams behind me however and then i can party with my boyfriend again' LIKE HELLO?? #how do you live like that #i'm not saying it's wrong to be in love i mean of course it's beautiful but i don't understand putting everything second #after the romantic part #having romance ALWAYS come first #as in #it's your priority in life #god. #i will never understand. #mine

[domesticmail]

:|

there is a mouse nesting in my chest, making itself a home out of my muscles and bones. a constant thrum of nervous energy commanding all of my attention, my heart beating in harmony with the anxious patter of animal footsteps. it's made a bed between my lungs and i can feel the pressure, each breath shorter, quicker, needier.

it's inescapable. that's why i hate the mouse - not because it exists, or it happens to exist inside me. because no matter what i do, there is still a mouse in my chest. it chews on my ribcage, tiny teeth gnawing on (quite literally) the structure of my life, unaware of my total misery, thinking only of itself.

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anyway that's a bit of creative writing about my anxiety. my boyfriend and i haven't spoken in two days and i'm just completely panicking inside but he asked me to give him space so that's what i have to do. i really struggle with being alone while triggered, and leaving an argument unresolved without a clear time to come back around and discuss it is a trigger for me. (that's not my partner's fault, i was not really aware of this previously. i just thought everyone began to spiral and completely panic for days) i am not very good with self-soothing but i've made massive progress recently.

it is really hard for me to drop difficult topics of conversation when they arise because of the way i was raised. i've talked about it on here before but basically from the time i was about 8 to when i was 18 if i got caught doing something i wasn't supposed to, the resulting punishment would always be an hours-long interrogation in my parents' bedroom about WHY i disobeyed them. i think the longest was like six hours. they would keep me there and grill me, telling me i was a horrible role model, a bad older sister, and a bad daughter. they would occasionally call my younger siblings in to explain why i was in trouble, and then have them all tell me one by one their thoughts about whatever i'd done (ranging from not turned in a homework assignment or two to sneaking out one night, etc. stuff i'd consider normal teenager stuff but maybe isn't? idk). i distinctly remember them calling my aunt and my grandparents (separate times) to have them humiliate me. frequently, i would cry so hard for so long i would begin to hyperventilate and my mom would call me disgusting, saying she hated the way i sounded while i cried. eventually i learned to just go completely numb to all of it, but they hated that, too, and would say i looked smug and self-righteous. i held up being completely stoic for a while and then one day, i just broke. i thought to myself, they're just going to do this to me forever, and they keep acting like i'm talking back to them anyway. they berate me for not standing up to them and just being quiet, so FUCK them i'll just be mean back." that obviously didn't work either but it felt better than the first two, so it persisted until my sister attempted suicide. i never acted out of line after that, because i figured i needed to take care of my youngest siblings, and i could only do that if my parents trusted me.

and throughout all of this, i was NEVER allowed to leave a punishment, to take a break, etc. they endured until i met some arbitrary criteria for being punished, and then i could go back to my room.

so i'm accustomed to just dealing with it the first time, and moving on. i hate waffling around the issue. being direct and respectful is very freeing, you have the ability to say what you want and address issues that may be really contentious or upsetting with someone you love and still feel comfortable with them. i am working towards this, i think the ability to stay totally calm and civil in a disagreement would be a really nice skill to have. you could talk about anything!

however currently i'm not quite there. i am very reactive, especially so when i'm triggered. it's really hard for me to pause during arguments, i get so anxious because i don't know what's going to happen, and i WANT there to be a resolution. i WANT to finish the conversation and come to the end of this issue, whatever it is. but it is completely out of my control right now, which infuriates me. i need to work on my emotional regulation.

i really want to take up some sort of martial art for this. i have all this expendable energy in the form of anxiety and a reasonable amount of free time. i've been interested in it from a young age but i've done absolutely nothing athletic for like four years. (to give you a rough idea of how much i exercise - i go on probably four walks a week. up to one a day. there's a pull up bar in our apartment [OW, saying that hurts, 'our' feels like such a bite now] that i use. when we first got it i could do two; now i can do five!)

i am also 5'3 and 95 lbs. so i'm too small to compete. but i feel like a. i don't want to compete i want to be strong and badass and b. i gained 12 lbs when i went to college, if i could do it once i can do it again. also my doctor would probably be pretty happy.

but anyways! that's where i'm at. boyfriend is sleeping on the couch of his own volition, so, whatever, i guess. going into another day of not talking. i'm not reaching out to him because he told me, specifically, to leave him alone, but the longer it goes the worse i feel about the whole thing. there's nothing i can do, though, because any sort of reaching out is crossing his boundary.

it just sucks to feel this way. i wish he would tell me when we could talk again, instead of just icing me out completely. then i could at least push it out of my mind for a while.

i don't want to stop writing. if i stop writing i have to go to bed, and if i go to bed the night will pass so fast and then i'll be awake tomorrow and having to face another day so soon. i want to stay curled up in our (OW!) bed forever. i don't want to have to worry about him breaking up with me.

(also it's kinda funny i'm worried because like he broke up with me once already. for a week. and i lived through it. like, shouldn't i be mentally prepared for this?)

at this point i'm just rambling. it feels good though. i feel like i'm draining my brain into this post - blaaaghhhh here are all my insecurities blablablablaaaaaagghhhh!!!

i hate my job. i hate customer service. even though i got tipped (tipped!! for working front desk!!) $30 last week. being good at it doesn't make me any happier. i want to be fulfilled by it and i am so. not. however i am still getting my degree so that's basically my one option.

my mom mentioned a certification i'm going to look into, she said it's useful for finding work in the field. i think i'm going to switch my major; i just really want to go into project management. i know that might sound stupid but genuinely i think it's such an interesting field and i would be so happy to manage projects and teams and put together decks

#personal #i'm sure anyone in the project management field is probably laughing at me for thinking it'll be fun #i know it won't be but who cares i will enjoy it anyway! #don't know what i'm going to do about bf. well i do but i'm not happy about it. just going to keep leaving him alone. #even if it means i'm alone. that just means i need a friend #i tried to expand my horizons and hang out with a girl who invited me from instagram which went okay. and then a different girl #invited me to hang out on snap and i was like ok well second try i guess! and it went poorly again #personally i just didn't vibe with either of them. i also met them both with their other friends who i was also meeting for the first time. #either way i miss having tumblr mutuals. my old moots from the early days of my account kept me sane #if you're looking for a friend reach out! :) #i like to talk about anything but particularly philosophy chess writing art and music #not in that order #(sorry for lack of commas in that list) #i also just finished watching VEEP. so fucking funny #i watched succession and loved it #i play a lot of Rimworld and Barony in my free time #if you like this stuff we should be mutuals!! you won't regret it i promise #anyways tws incoming #tw suicide mention #tw weight mention #tw verbal abuse #tw child abuse