#i'm feeling sappy but honestly life has been difficult and weird lately | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

nyxopenjournal · 11 months

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It's almost 4am and I'm still awake which means Thought Brain has turned on and I feel sappy which makes me emotional. Alternatively titled: Can't Sleep

Life is difficult and sometimes it's extremely hard to manage. I'm going through one of those. But I think I'm starting to get a tiny bit more hopeful about making it through. I don't think I'll necessarily be happy or get what I think, in this moment, I want but maybe I'll find a way to be content with what "is" instead of wishful thinking about what "isn't." I'm really trying to accept things as they are and not push further bc that always leads to me hurting. My depression fog that I've spent the last 5-6 months in is finally beginning to clear & I noticed that today. It's funny bc the thing that made me realize it is bc I guess I had been subconsciously paying attention to the way the grass grows and I'd never noticed it before. (The grass grows weird). And today I commented on it lol. I've been too preoccupied with my sadness to pay attention to anything like that. Grass growing. I'm still sad. I can't lie, most times I ignore it or it feels hollow & far away to a point where I can avoid thinking about it. But it is there. I can't do much about it at this point in time for several reasons but I'm chugging along. I'm trying to accept that others' happiness doesn't have to include me. And accept that that's okay. I might not be a lifelong person. I don't know anything about the future and not knowing how things will turn out is the bane of my existence bc my brain plays "what ifs" like they're game show topics for a prize. The prize is usually I end up depressed bc of my own train of thought. Trying to learn how to balance distance with care. What's the right amount of energy to give to a topic? How to be less "all or nothing" about everything. There has to be a balance or I'm gonna just make myself suffer for the rest of my existence and quite frankly, I've suffered enough. I'm tired of it. There are things I wish for that I've convinced myself are impossible. It's too late. Missed opportunities and such. That's been playing on repeat in my head. There are a lot of things that I'm told or I see that don't make sense to me and how I perceive the world, but I've also become the person who is so scared to ask questions. I didn't used to be like this. I'd question everyone and everything until it made sense to me. Now nothing makes sense and I'm always confused and I'm scared to ask. What sense does it make? It doesn't. But. It's where I am right now. I didn't used to be afraid about how big my thoughts were or how much I had to say or how many tangents I went on about a topic, but now I'm scared to say more than a couple words in fear of being annoying or convincing myself whoever I'm talking to doesn't care. So now it's just simple, dulled down thoughts. Which is unfair to myself honestly bc it's not like I've suddenly begun to have less complex thoughts and questions and feelings. I've just suddenly become overly terrified of sharing them so they roll around in my head until I have a breakdown. Outlets are nice. It would be nice to have a person to talk to but it's my own fault that I'm here right now. No one else's. I have to accept that. Maybe the part of my brain telling me I'm just not good for people and will inevitably fail at any platonic or romantic relationship is right and I should give up trying to pursue either. But I also still crave it so what do I do with that? It's not like I get it either way. I'm too scared to talk to people. It's been this way my whole life. I wish I didn't crave it. I didn't used to. But the older I get the more I do. Idk what to do with that. It's just where I am right now. I doubt it'll change. It's not like anyone is looking my way. I'm just floating around on a rock till I die. Epic.

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pffbts · 5 years

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hello my baby! are requests still open? can I request a Taehyung imagine where he's been in love with a co worker noona for sometime but he is afraid to confess but finally gets his chance? its ok if you dont answer this request right away! your well being is more important. always remember that I'm here for you 🥰

―genre: fluff; angst; crack; minimal smut.

―characters: kim taehyung x female reader | no supporting character.

―w.c: 2.1K

―author`s note: i, honestly, have no words but this is such a good request i had to like dive in with all my love – i guess. also no, i did not just almost write a sappy kissing scene. thank you for the request, didi. much love

[08:50 PM] [the city during the night times is always the best time for someone to see the outline of someone`s presence]

―the blue haired guy beside your cubicle is out of this world attractive. you know it, the guy who sits in the other cubicle beside this guy knows it, the women of all age in this office know it, your dog knows it, and most importantly, the desktop which sits right in front of him, on top of his desk – knows it, mostly.

the blue haired guy – our shamelessly beautiful protagonist, kim taehyung felt like he had never seen a woman this beautiful in his whole life as if sometimes he can`t even see what is beyond you in his field of vision. it was tempting and satisfying. even though your presence affects him this much, you were completely unaware of his thoughts. but it was only because he is good at hiding it.

you always thought that taehyung is a hard-working guy, who watched anime and read comics during his free times. he`s always the one who greets you first thing in the morning but you didn`t know that he did all this because he wanted to keep in touch with you as long as his time permits him to do so.

to be frank, office workers work late – sometimes the shifts are so late that when you return home, your heels are legitimately giving you nightmares back to back. but things like this are part of your life. but to be given a choice that you can skip such activity then you would probably be the first one to raise your hand up and with that simultaneously, the blue-haired guy because then he`ll probably have no work in the office without your presence beside him all the time.

this is pathetic, taehyung thought. because even he knows there are a thousand reasons why this thing for you of him will not work out. first – you`re older than me and it`s not just by age (four and a half years) but also career-wise, you`re much senior to him; second – his looks, strangely enough, he`s aware of the wavering glances the younger female co-workers give to him, taehyung knows that he has killer looks and to that he thanks his parents every day but then what is the use of such good looks when he can`t even make you fall in love with him. why must he get the such-a-hard-working-junior pat on his head every day whenever he greets you in the morning?

also – ridiculous, this is so fucking ridiculous, like why is that weird breaded man hanging over your head as you speak about this project you`ve taken up while scrolling through the draft and bullet points – like dude, back the fuck up or else, taehyung might lose his good boy persona and that`s definitely not good news.

taehyung clenched his fist – his fingers hovering over the keyboard mid-typing as he watches everything from the corner of his eyes. suddenly, the tie around his neck was suffocating and his toes were twitching with rage inside his shoes. this is impossible. without considering any other thoughts, taehyung jumped in, “sir!”

both you, with wide eyes and the weird-breaded-guy looked at taehyung`s direction.

“yes, mr.kim?”

“sir, i-.”he started, only to be cut off.

“mr. kim you can see i`m currently talkin-.”

“washroom!” a panicked taehyung squeaked in, “can i please be excused?”

well, what the fuck, kim. taehyung felt like if only the ground would open up right at that moment and just swallow him up then he wouldn`t have to watch your face giving him strange expression.

“of course you can. it`s not school anymore, mr. kim.”

even though the breaded guy laughed for a second, taehyung felt like all of his bad deeds since childhood had been relived and he felt helpless under your funny gaze and everyone who had stopped typing and looking at his direction, sly grins on their face and weird whispers from their mouth.

without another glance towards anyone, taehyung got up from his place and swiftly walked away from the secret laughter, away from you whose eyes have softened when you realized something was completely wrong with his face – this is not the taehyung you know. this taehyung is flustered and probably looks like fighting a battle within himself. this taehyung looked like someone had touched a very sensitive part of the reel of his memories.

after an hour and talking about your project sidelines, you looked to his side. the seat was still empty and somehow, you know, you shouldn`t be feeling like this – because there`s really no reason for you to feel like this – you shouldn`t really be missing him. you looked back at your computer screen, waiting for the next word to follow your thoughts.

washing his face vigorously and making a mess of his bangs against his forehead, taehyung looked back at his reflection. why was this so difficult – to just tell you everything and just be confident with it, or was it something that`s not feeling right within himself. taehyung was all at once not confident – not confident enough to look at his reflection, the way his eyebrows are always on the flick, his eyes that has only intensity looming in them, his skin, his lips which is shaped just like a heart. maybe because he`s nervous – to confess his true feelings to you because he fears that if you see his true self, the reasons behind his morning greets, his assuring smile every once in a while then you would completely cut him off from your life.

maybe, you don`t even consider him as a man who is capable of taking over your heart. maybe you see him as a friend – or worst, brother. then, what would he do? will he try to cover up his shattered insides with a white cloth filled with smiles or just leave you and let you give the time to regret your decision?

no! he can`t do that. another splash of water against his face and taehyung inhaled as quickly as the water dripped off his face. he can`t just make you regret something you weren`t even responsible for doing. but, you`re so far away, so far away that sometimes he thinks distance is like snow which melts away no matter what and that it was never a real thing. pushing his hair back, taehyung stood straight up, his shoulders slouched and his jaw lose.

maybe if that`s how it is – then he`ll definitely give it a shot. maybe he`ll give his best and get through this exam without a red mark on his report card. maybe this time he won`t have to come back home with his heart in his hand and no one in front of him without a stretched out hand waiting for him to pass his heart to that person.

it was probably getting quite late and for a moment you thought why not take a breather in the office balcony while watching the night view of the city that spreads itself oh so beautifully under the night with no clouds but stars. pushing your chair, your eyes flickered to taehyung, who was sitting, his body leaning forward and it was clear he was writing something instead of typing. a smile came across your face at the thought of his sudden smiles that he gives often out of nowhere.

getting up finally, you softly padded towards the balcony – the cool wind already making your knee-length skirt flow in soft waves. you walked forward, cutting the air and soon, your hair was flowing on your sides – some of the loose strands over your face. your hand found the purchase of the railing and you breathed in closing your eyes in bliss.

a few minutes later, you stayed still against the flowing air around your body and soon, you heard a voice – and it was such a good voice you tried to remember how it felt like in your ears.

“maybe this is what people mean when you can`t see anyone but the one in your field of vision,” opening your eyes, your eyes flickered on an ethereal looking taehyung, his chin resting on his palm whose elbow rested on the railing, his eyes on you, his lips in a loose pout and his blue bangs messy and moving along with the air. it was such a sight and you still were unaware of his words.

taehyung tried again but this time, he pulled himself up and moved closer to you – so close that the end of your right shoulder met with his sternum. taehyung is definitely a decently tall guy with a pretty handsome face, not to forget his voice was something you would love to wake up every day to.

wait, what are you even thinking? you asked your clouded brain. the air was cool and soon taehyung was eye level with you, a little bit distance and his nose would almost touch you, you thought again.

“i can`t do this anymore,” he started again, his breath falling over your face.

“taehyung, what do you-,” you stumbled on your words and closed your eyes as he leaned in dangerously close to you at once.

“pretending like i just don`t have any sort of feelings for you. as if my smiles are just empty box of gifts, as if my eyes don`t find you every day, as if i don`t call out your name every time you smile back at me.” standing straight up and making you move to face him with his hand on your waist, he leant in, his face almost close to you. this is – why? – what is happening?

in no minutes, you felt a soft warmth against the corner of your lips. your breath hitched and you opened your eyes, to see nothing but the blue of taehyung`s bangs and his inhales and exhales too distinct on your skin.

“noona,” taehyung pressed his lips against the left half of your lips, “no,” a microscopic giggle, “y/n, i,”pulling himself away from your lips for a second, taehyung looked at your closed eyes, your batted breathe, your stilled body, your hair that tickles his face. leaning in again, this time taehyung completely pressed his lips against yours but before you pull him against you, he pulled away with a “love you.”

“taehyung…”

your arms reached his neck and you pulled him against yourself, putting his mouth on yours again as if this was the kind of breather you were waiting for such a long time.

“i`ve loved you for a long time,” pushing his face against your collar bones, he whispered against the bare skin there, “i`ve watched you for a long time. i love you a lot. i know it`s silly but i really love you.”

looking at the sky right now is like watching sudden spaceships out of nowhere. the air against your body was different – there was a sudden heaviness in it, as if someone filled up a void in it, pushing all of their emotions, their strength into that void to let it be the strongest filled up void. the boy against your throat, the painfully leaning boy looking too drained to keep his head up – as if he has already used up his everything.

and at that moment, you just moved your palm up and down his back, feeling the muscles underneath the white cotton shirt and soon, you`re holding him close against your chest, your face against his hair and a smile there on your face, all over again.

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