#i'm calling it done to preserve my sanity | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

t-hornapple · 2 years

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ORNAMENT ILLUSTRATION COMMISSIONS - OPEN

the basics:

- black and white linework - traditional ink done on recycled, toothy 24lb paper - usually 7”x9” or 9”x7” - base price starts at $300. Payment is half down, half on delivery - you get the original, jpegs/pngs and one or two prints of it

I am very interested in and comfortable drawing:

- nudity - trans and queer bodies - historical interiors & exteriors - western weapons and armor (from the early middle ages on) - richly patterned fabrics (but richly patterned all sorts of things) - religious motifs - bdsm scenes & fetish wear (leather, pup & pony play, bondage, etc) - occult and esoterica - soulsborne stuff

I do not draw:

- underage or bestiality - furry art (yes, ik there's a small overlap w this in some fetish wear, but I do not draw fursonas) - anything sci-fi, futuristic. mechs, androids, machines, that sort of thing. idk how! - fan art of anything live action, or living people

More detailed info:

‘Ornament Illustrations’ is what I call these highly-patterned black and white linework pieces. Base price for these pieces starts at $300 and goes up for extra complexity. There are no hard-and-fast rules to what is included subject matter wise in that $300. Most subjects (unless it's an orgy of 100 people and you want it drawn to 18" x 24") is gonna fit in a $300 price tag.

(This more simply put: I don't do the type of commissions based on number of characters & complexity of background.)

These are entirely traditionally drawn, and usually put together here and there digitally if I'm layering in patterns, or have a lot of black fill to do. I do not do digital linework or color.

I am not super inclined to draw a lot of fan art, mainly due to unfamiliarity with the subject. I'm open to discussing it however! Some prompts for a commission I might reject for reasons not shown here.

Payment is required half up front, half upon completion. Completion time varies, as this depends on how quickly you get back to me with reviewing sketches. It's usually about 2-4 weeks. I do have shit hands these days, though, and can't ink as much at once as I used to be able to. So my work goes a bit slower now.

For your money, you get:

- the original inked piece - one or two high quality prints of the finished piece - digital files of the work

Please note that I tend to layer in patterns and background shading digitally sometimes, which means they will not show up on the original inking. That's why I provide a print.

I do enjoy being able to provide prints in my shop of commissioned pieces, but let the client choose whether or not they want prints made available to the public.

How to commission:

Email me at thornapplepress(a)gmail.com with your idea. It can be fully fleshed out—Hades as a leather daddy & Cerberus as a non-binary sub in 3-headed pup play—or more vague—something sapphic, intimate and lush.

I do my best to get back to commission requests in 2-3 days, but please do note that I don’t do email on the weekends to help preserve my attempt at work/life balance and my sanity.

#my art #commissions

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frostehburr · 5 months

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Finishing the Year by 100%ing Pikmin 4

Yeah, this is the last tumblr post for me in 2023.

I really didn't expect to get Pikmin 4 so soon and be able to finish it before new year. Not to say it didn't have a bit of difficulty, the dandori challenges were a pain in the ass. I'm just surprised by the amount of time I had for this game.

Recently I had to go on a business trip to California and to pass time in the hotel room, I brought a Switch with Pikmin 4. Apparently the time I spent in the hotel room over the week long trip was enough for me to 100% the game! Would love to go on trips more often but it's far too expensive.

Like previous Pikmin games, the main story involves you using pikmin to collect giant every day objects and genocide the local wildlife so the pikmin can take over and dominate the area.

Family friendly Nintendo.

Anyhow, this fourth installment... fifth?... adds the goal of rescuing tourists who came to this planet filled with lethal levels of oxygen (what do these guys breath?) for various reasons such as real estate and looking at flowers. I personally think there are better options than a planet where you're chances of death via suffocation is high but I also know a few people who actively grab venomous snakes with their bare hands so I guess preservation instincts are different between people.

Also half of these castaways turned into leaf people. The pikmin are starting to take over the tiny tiny humans!

These leaf people demand you do something called a "dandori" challenge which is just doing a specific objective in the shortest amount of time available. If you want to 100% the game, you will have to get the platinum medal for ALL dandori challenges and battles!

This is the main reason I expected to not finish the game until next year. The dandori stuff stresses me out so much! Putting a time limit on it was bad enough but grading me on how much time I use just hurts. I hate it!

One more thing, I looked it up out of curiosity and dandori is an actual Japanese word! Yeah apparently it's a word that describes the strategic organization of tasks and working efficiently to a plan...

Basically the entire concept of Pikmin as a whole. Yet I struggled with it...

So they also have a few side missions, a treasure catalogue, and a bestiary. The bestiary was filled out thanks to me running all over chucking Pikmin at anything that moved. Including a massive giant dog that shows up some time late in the game.

Side missions were mostly "find all X crew" which is easily done when completing the caves. Oh there are two that are grow 300 pikmin and make 300 pikmin bloom but those are radiant quests so I'm certain they don't count. I also had to buy all gear and Oatchi skills but I recommend getting them when you can because it makes the game go by faster.

For the treasure catalogue I needed 100 purple pikmin which you can easily do without a purple onion. Yes the purple bois got their own onion this time! However, in order to get the purple and white onion you have to go through the dandori sage trials, which were a nightmare of 10 levels on their own.

I do not think I needed to platinum the sage trials... I never did but I choose to claim that it is unnecessary. For the sake of sanity. Those trials were brutal!

After getting the purple onion I had to find a way to grow 100 purple pikmin which is rather hard to do when you wiped out everything on the maps. Leaving me with the flower pellets as my only option. Took about three days but I got to 100 purple bois and collected the gold bar, finishing the treasure catalogue!

With all that done I just have to say: Pikmin 4 is a very enjoyable game you can have loads of fun with. It's a calming type of game where you can fling plant bois to collect shiny items. However, you should never attempt to 100% complete this game. Attempting to 100% Pikmin 4 will leave you more stressed than the year 2020.

Think I fully understand why Nintendo never bothered with achievements.

#100% complete #opinion not a review #100%#game completion #nintendo #pikmin 4 #pikmin

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onyourstageleft · 7 months

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tw: pet health, animal sickness, cancer mention

idk how to do a read more on mobile sorry y'all but this is your chance to scroll on

so Peggy has some lumps under her skin. we noticed them on Tuesday night, there's two of them close together on her hip. called the vet this morning and they got her in at 2pm and took a biopsy and they'll call me back either Saturday or Monday with what's going on, they won't speculate or anything, but I did the very unwise pet parent thing and took to Google and based on everything I can find it is most likely fibrosarcoma which is a difficult to treat cancer and also expensive bc it involves surgery and continuous radiation/chemotherapy for several months and frankly I don't care how much it costs I will go into all the debt for this cat, I have a 9k limit on CareCredit and am unafraid to max it out + my other credit cards it's not even the money that bothers me, but if I'm right about what it is the prognosis isn't great for long term health and that is going to break me. She's my baby, she's only 7, she was literally the only thing keeping me from going off the deep end at some points in college, she's supposed to meet the kids I want to have in a few years, she's been here for most of my adult life and I will absolutely lose my sanity if I lose her anytime in the next few years. she has to make it to 10, ideally she'd be around for another 10 years past that but I'm realistic, I know 12 is perfectly reasonable so that's what the goal has always been, I literally can't do this without her. and my partners love her SO. MUCH. Peyton dotes on her, he's only been around for 5 of those years but he is so so in love with this cat, she is our baby, I would be lost without her so uhh if this turns out to be what I am afraid it is, don't be surprised if long form rant text posts become more common here bc I will absolutely lose more than a shred of my sanity.

also I guess don't be surprised if you see some sort of fundraising post from me in the future bc while I am unafraid to max out credit cards those bitches will want their money back at some point and I am unfortunately not a rich bitch, although quite frankly that is the least of my priorities rn, I just want to do whatever I possibly can for my baby. logically I know that I've done what I can but the anxiety is running away with me rn. like what if the tiny spot I felt on her a couple months ago and then couldn't find again when I looked for it was this before it got big what if I could have caught it earlier I should have been more diligent in checking or made a note of exactly where the tiny spot was initially so even if I couldn't find it again maybe the vet could have? I know I didn't put it off substantially and I really trust this vet they've been great but I could HEAR her as they were trying to numb and biopsy the spots she was so angry at them and once they shaved the area it looks SO much bigger than we could feel, like we knew there was one spot but were iffy on a second one and you can see them so clearly now they're big and slightly discolored and I am afraid. thankfully she hasn't been acting any different like she was literally having zoomies this morning but the idea of not having her zooming around makes me want to crawl into a bog and be preserved for a thousand years okay

anyway i know I've posted pics of her at some point but it's been a while so idk what I tagged them or where to find them but if you believe in literally anything at all I would appreciate an appeal on her behalf like I know there are so so many bigger things going on but Peggy Sue is my baby. other alises include Soupy Peg, Miss Ma'am, Peggum, Pegasus, Peggle, Soupiest, etc if you would like to be specific.

okay I'm gonna go take a bath now and try to read a book bc I need to not be on the internet rn, let's all spare a collective thought for my sanity

#personal #tw animal health #tw cancer #(potentially)#i also haven't even told my partners yet what i think it might be bc i am so afraid to speak it out loud #i feel like they have also done the reseach tho and likely also found the same info #peggy sue

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askaborderline · 2 years

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Tw self harm mention , suicidal ideation mention

Hi, just looking for a bit of advice really. And maybe some reassurance. This is a bit of a long one. So recently i returned to a server where i previously left bc i had conflict w two of its members. The conflict being me blocking one of them (let's call them X) then unblocking them and then having X block me and then i got pissy bc i have this preconceived notion that this entire group just fucking adores X bc they make so much content or whatever. But i personally hate their guts because they were snippy once when i just wanted to share a selfie and vagued me for making long comments to appreciate my fave creators presumably bc it robs them of the right to comment themselves and they also seemed to only remember i exist whenever i give them stuff which is like ok whatever but it was the snippy vague comments they think i don't notice that got to me. when I asked them what's their deal they wouldn't answer me properly which was annoying so i blocked them. But everyone else seems to love this fucking bitch and it's annoying. And I'm jealous that they get all the fucking attention for their stupid characters and writing. Anyways after being pissy and immature i made some vague comments of my own that made their friend block me too, ad their other friend soft block me from my other social. And i just left to preserve my sanity bc everyone obviously thinks I'm the bad guy bc I'm being an asshole by bringing up X and their friend Y in stupid vagued. But i still have some friends in there so eventually i returned and just recently i couldn't control the urge to vague again bc it's just so annoying that everyone still loves them and their stupid creations so much while giving me the cold shoulder. Like sure i deserve it or whatever. I should always be the bigger person shouldn't I? I've kept like. A spreadsheet to keep up my self harm attempts at the advice of my therapist and like half of them had to do w that jealousy and it's so annoying. Just several days ago it got really bad and i nearly wanted to slice my neck open.

I wish they just didn't exist. My irl friend suggested i just leave that server and remove myself from the situation, but i like some of them, they're my friends and i enjoy seeing their thoughts and stuff. And they're better at talking in group settings than in DMs. But then again i feel like now everyone just keeps their distance from me lol.

Hey anon,

I'm sorry you're going through that, that sounds like a lot. Could you not set up a group chat or a server with the folks you like separately as just a thing between friends? That's what I've done in situations like this.

But I agree that it absolutely is most important to remove anyone that's making you feel worse and has no sign of stopping from your life. You don't need that, you already have a lot going on.

I hope this gets better for you soon.

#mod jane #aab #tw sui ideation #tw self harm

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yuppersreppuy · 2 years

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I am bothered to no end by the talk of "choices." Some choices are wrong. I could leave the post there.

"If someone makes you feel bad, then leave."

If the choices that you like (such as kink) pass YOUR vibe check only because they make you feel a certain way, rather than speaking to some moral truth, and you can intellectualize away any problems with it by making convoluted arguments about consent, then at what point do you hear yourself?

Related: I get annoyed when I see comments validating tradition beneath posts (any platform) about women's empowerment. There is a reason why some women are breaking away from tradition, and refusal to engage with those discussions is holding women back.

I feel like I'm losing my sanity here. There is a reason why people have a sense of self-preservation. People make their life choices by using supporting evidence to justify "yes" or "no." Some things done in private can be prosecuted, and that prosecution is based on moral philosophy. I am deeply disturbed by the photo I once saw of a "joke" sign that instructed bystanders to not call the cops for hearing screams from a kink session. I hope people are aware that law enforcement engage in kink/use porn, too. Something to think about when they handcuff people/hold them in custody/imprison them. Going to trust someone in a position of authority who gets off on power imbalance? I could frame that last sentence.

If you want to experience sex with the intensity of taboo, you start subtlely teasing someone in public, telling that person you can't wait to get home, you kiss at home, you massage and grope at each other, and you have sex partially clothed while telling her/him how good you feel with established rhythm and you make it sloppy. I DO believe in a sexuality where other people alone are enough, actually. I recall a r/GenderCritical (RIP) comment lamenting how men today lack the fluidity that they possessed in the past. Death to porn.

#radblr #radfem #gender critical #radfems please touch #radfems please interact

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ahopkins1965 · 1 month

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If I have iniquity and sin in my heart God will not hear me. This is the truth because God does not like for Man to wrath. In James 1:20 says for the unrighteousness of Man does not produce the righteousness of God. I will admit that God is not happy whenever we are depressed.

I want to say that I suffer from Schizoid Affective Disorder and schizophrenia. I have been diagnosed with a mental illness since Tuesday July 15, 1997. I was admitted to the hospital for one week. I started taking medicine for my behavior problems. I also will admit that it has taken me 12 years to forgive my ex-wife for cheating on me. I had resentments very bad.

I know that I am not supposed to dwell on the past. It is that she has made me so angry that I had to seek refuge in another State in the United States of America just to preserve my sanity. This is the reason why I don't argue with anyone else anymore in life. Lord God Almighty God I am very sorry for my sins. I am repenting right now for all of the wrongs that I have done in the past and present time.

Lord God, Almighty God I am very sorry for harboring a lot of anger for Almost 50 years. I know that I am not perfect, but I tell the truth about myself and my behavior. I would like to release all of my anger in a constructive manner. Please Lord God, help me to speak with everyone with common sense.

I will admit that I have a lot of health problems right now. I am taking 15 pills for my mental illness problem. Lord God, I am calling you to let you know that I am very sorry for using someone else's work as my own. I'm asking for your forgiveness Lord God. I am going to release the Information for therapy next week. I have helped other people who are suffering from substance abuse and mental illness problems. Lord God, it is time for me to do your work inside of a Church in my hometown of Dayton Ohio. I will let the Pastor know that I will be volunteering my service at Fort McKinley United Methodist Church in Dayton Ohio. I also need to get admitted into a Treatment Center for Prescription Drug Abuse.

I need to get admitted into an inpatient treatment facility for six months. My dental work looks like a Jack lantern. I have to go to travel to Charlotte NC and resolve some Financial Issues. Lord God, please teach me how to help others.

I want to inform all of you that God’s Love is real. I know that I have my faults. I want to inform all of you that there are so much that I want to accomplish in my life right now. I know that I am still young. It is that I have a whole lot of writing to do within the next few months. I realize that God has not heard my prayers because I was living in sin.

My heart was filled with rage and anger. It is my fault because I one point in my life, God did not listen to my prayers. I know right now that God is a serious God. I feel that I have come a very long way in my life because I know right now that God is watching me. God is watching all of us.

Finally, I want to say to everyone that God will not hear your prayers because of sin that is inside of your heart. If you are bearing iniquity inside of your heart, God will not hear your prayers. God is taking all of us very seriously. God is an awesome God. Please take God’s Word very seriously. I understand Him right now.

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pirefyrelight · 3 months

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Rant about work today below cut

so today was fun (<- lying so hard you can see the sarcasm) I first came in to work at 2 because that's my usual shift and I just didn't check the schedule beyond whether I work or not a few days ago. Turns out I was supposed to be in at 4 to close and the way the sous chef informed me of this kinda soured my mood right out the gate. He didn't call me an idiot for not checking my schedule outright, but I could hear it in his voice.

Whatever, I'll brush it off. There's a coffeeshop with good breakfast sandwiches like two blocks away I'll hang out there for a few hours.

Well turns out they close at 3 in the winter and I didn't know they weren't open until 4. So even though I left immediately and the employee was nice and polite about it, I felt like the asshole customer who was trying to stay after closing. So just another bad emotion to throw in the mix.

So I headed back and sat in the back hallway of work on my phone off the clock since sous was already mad I was here early (for some reason- it's a busy week it's not like I'd be standing around and if I'm already here anyway who gives a shit)

And of course being at work and trying to relax is not compatible. People are talking and coworkers I don't vibe with are hanging out and getting on my nerves for just existing so I put both earbuds in to drown it all out as I scroll tumblr and that mostly works until-

I get the distinct impression that the last thing that was said was to me. I look up and it's the head chef looking at me. I take my music out and ask him to say again. He tells me "you know you can clock in and get to work right"

It was still like 15 minutes to 4. I was planning on clocking in 5 minutes to. Because the aforementioned sous being mad at me for being early. I didn't feel like explaining that and I already don't like chef and didnt want him to think i was arguing so I just agreed that yes I can get to work and did. It still grated on me and getting contradictory orders that make me feel like I can never do anything right is pretty high on my pet peeve list so even though I pushed it down it really set me off inside.

So you know. Before the apron's on I'm pissed.

Did I mention I was off work yesterday? I was off work yesterday. You know what having a day off work does to my station, my lovely neat and organized station that I do everything in my power to keep that way so I can survive my fucking job?

It makes it look like a hurricanes been through there.

If bottles aren't greasy or missing, door handles are sticky, dessert cooler is packed with mess that should be in the offline cooler, plate stacks are missing, and of course I should note we are running both a featured salad and dessert that I would consider me not having space for therefore making an extra layer of clutter I can't actually get rid of.

Oh did I mention we technically open at 3? I have to deal with tickets as I organize all this shit, and mentally I can't look at the probably poorly marked preplist before counters and line coolers have some semblance of organisation.

Theres an adage the previous chef would say, "messy station messy mind," and he was so right.

If only there was a solution. If only I had more time to get set up and get certain sauces and dressings at room temp where they can actually come out the bottle. If only there was some magical way to preserve my sanity and actually get my job done smoothly. But I guess some things are just meant to stay in the realm of impossibility.

And of course because I wasn't working yesterday and the opening was chaos, I didn't notice we were already on the backups that were panned up for beets and arugula for the featured salad. Everything is prepped, but I need it brought to station.

I tell my second as she's pulling the empty pan, "hey can you get four more of these flat bottomed [6th] pans and both types of beets please?" I even pointed at the pan. I meant for her to bring them up and I actually pan them up so I can make sure they're labeled and filled to the top and the backups are wrapped properly and everything but she takes awhile to do that (and she's not the kind to talk to every single person on her way to and back from the cooler like another second on my station) so she's probably panning them on prepline and that's fine, ok?

I didn't Specifically say to bring empty pans up to let me do it, and she's trying to do her job I'm not mad ok. As long as it gets done. Despite what the rest of this post tells you I am not so much of a control freak I cannot recognize that.

Heres the thing. She didn't pan up backups. She did one pan of each type of beet, and one was in a round bottom pan. (This matters slightly in the fact that 1. Flat bottoms hold more volume and 2. They're more stable standing upright on flat surfaces, like on a makeshift cooler made out of a hotel pan over ice that I don't know is entirely health code complient but that's not important here)

Point is it wouldn't Really matter if I didn't specifically tell her to get flat pans and I know there's flat pans back there. It also wouldn't Really matter if I didn't tell her to get 4. What did she think the other two were for? I asked here where the backups were and she was confused so I explained I wanted two of each, and she went to get those.

Do more at one time and you have to do it less often. I don't know how this is so hard to explain or understand. If there were backups already in the line cooler this wouldn't be any issue at all but here we are.

So I finished my wave of tickets and got the arugula myself. Did I mention the distant whistling the whole time? There was distant whistling throughout this entire encounter. Do I need to explain why that didn't help anything at all?

And then there's the servers who just expect me to be able to read their minds instead of what they actually type onto the tickets. "Birthday" ≠ "birthday plate" (birthday desserts get discounted, and some anniversary or birthday people get a big plate denoting the celebration written in chocolate at the top. Idk if this special treatment costs extra or what) and you would think one of the servers that have been working here longer than I have would know that by now.

I want it to be noted that mistakes are understandable but still, having to replate something in the middle of a rush because of a server's mistake has never improved my mood even once. Did the time you save by not typing those 5 letters surpass the time taken by me redoing it for you?

Im so tired. I know I'm bossy and controlling, but I do make a very conscious effort to understand that each thing here isn't something to be mad about. Everyone makes mistakes, and my standards for organization are matched by very few people. I do try so very hard to let all non essential things go, but holy fucking shit it adds up so quickly.

But you know what? There's upside at the end of all this.

I get to go immediately to bed and do it all again tomorrow.

#pire.txt #Venting about work tag #I tried to make it coherent #I very specifically checked my schedule and I'm in at 2 and not closing for the next two days #And I was the one to mark the preplist today for tomorrow so I know it was done right #god I'm so tired physically and emotionally #Remember when I was the only one trained for that station?#I was soloing a two person station all summer and I was tired but it was being done right?#Yeah #Fuck I need out #I think I need to try and get screened again for mental issues #There's no way this is just the autism not with how big the emotional response is #Either that or get back into therapy. Or both.#I get a major discount for behavioral health it's definitely easier now than when my parents tried sending me to one after my diagnosis #And the only major identifiable problems were I couldn't do my homework to save my life and also the other kids hated me #There's definitely more specifics to talk about and explore now.#I just need to fucking get on that horse I guess #I'm not doing shit now tho I need to go to bed

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kiefbowl · 2 years

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I need some advice. I just turned 32, and I have never been married, consistently have worked pink collar jobs despite my best efforts to break out, and I feel like my life has been a waste. I tried to make it as a writer to no avail. And now I just feel stuck. I always thought I would age gracefully, but I find myself trying to hide the wrinkles around my eyes, searching frantically for gray hair, etc. I feel like a failure as a woman and as a feminist on every front. Do you have any advice?

Yeah, you gotta stop thinking you are either failing or succeeding. You are always simultaneously existing as both, and the things you're failing at are things you can always work on and are probably not as big of a deal or a waaaaaay bigger deal than not getting married or hiding wrinkles. I wouldn't tell a friend who is down about wrinkles as failing as a woman and a feminist, I would find that completely normal par for the course. I mean, come on, we're not robots. Even I see ads of beautiful women and think "oh dear, that's not me" from time to time. Now if that same friend was buying mice from the pet store and sewing them together for a failed and stupid experiment to see if a male mouse can carry a viable pregnancy over and over again causing endless amount of mice torture, I would think she was failing on some sort of character level, which I think is much more important to worry about. And possibly failing sanity, but that's between her and her doctors.

Are you a liar? Are you mean? Are you a cheater? Are you selfish? These are things we can measure our failures on. Asking yourself "did I fail to be a better person today than yesterday?" and you know what, if you did, well yeah we do sometimes. So pull up your big girl pants and get ready for tomorrow cause it's coming and you get to try again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And jesus again. And then fucking again. For how fast time goes by, it really is exhausting how many days we get (if we're lucky of course).

I could give you a list of things to improve your mood like I even know you and as if planting flowers or calling your mom or yoga is going to fix an existential crisis, but you know what fuck that. Sometimes an existential crisis is what we need. Maybe what you need to do is listen to that anxiety, face those fears, and get to know the deepest darkest parts of you! Then you can wake up and figure out what's actually missing, like a sense of self-preservation or BOOMING EGO that makes the trees shake, or whatever the fuck. Maybe it's god, or simply a passionate hobby. Maybe it's seeing a mountain peak once in your life. I really don't know you. But 32 is plenty of time to fix all that, and it's been plenty of time to learn a thing or two, so get on it sis because god willing if you live to our oldest possibly years, you're not even half way done yet. So wallow now so you can kick yourself in the pants later and finally do yoga or bake bread or poetry or start a coup or write a triste that changes history forever or get better at calling your mom every day or whatever shakes you the fuck up again, it's your life I don't know what you want. Face the darkness, eat it up. Yum yum yum blood. Feel the pain, it's so fucking funny and horrible and delicious being stupid and human. I fucking love it so much when I'm not god damn hating it. <3

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justanotherlifeff · 3 years

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Levi Ackerman × reader

Genre: Angst, Hurt/comfort, Fluff, matured themes, slowburn

Warning: There's mentions and descriptions of underage rape and suicidal themes and self harm. DETAILED SMUT IN THIS CHAPTER

Levi POV

She just got naked infront of me. "What the hell (Y/N)?!" I exclaimed trying to look away from her but my eyes failed me. She was small and had curves exactly at the right places. She had a firm breast and ass. The view she gave me made me more turned on that any other woman ever got me. I still had to control myself as I didn't want to hurt her.

"What? Don't you want this? Don't you like the way I look? I need to know that you won't go running back to another hoe. I need to know if you're satisfied with me" she whispered in a strained voice. "Trust me, it's taking all my effort to not take you right now but I can't do this. You're not ready. You're trembling. I don't want to hurt you (Y/N)." I tried to reason with her. In response, she came close to me and kissed me. I froze in her embrace unable to think of what to do about it. She removed her lips from mine and whispered demandingly, "Aren't you the one who said Eren that he had to make the choice that he believed that he won't regret? I just took your advice and made a choice. Do it".

I looked at her with wide eyes and asked, "Are you really sure?". My body was losing control as I stared at her smooth skin, her (B/S) shaped body, her (E/C) eyes and soft lips. "Yes but I need to use the washroom. Could you wait for a minute? " she answered with a hint of blush on her face. "Okay. Wash yourself down there" I murmured as she went off to the washroom as I sat on the bed to process everything. Before I could change my mind about everything, she returned and stood in front of me with a bashful expression.

Her expression told me that she had no idea about what to do. I stood up and trailed a finger to her vagina. It was dry. I knew she was scared and I knew that I had to ease her up a bit so that she won't regret it the next morning. She hugged me as I rubbed her clitoris and I could hear her ragged breathing. "Lie down on the bed" I told her as she listened to my instructions.

(Y/N) POV

I expected pain from the begining but Levi heichou's touches weren't painful. They made me feel somewhat weird and weak at my knees. When he asked me to lie down, I knew that it’s time for the painful part. I did as he asked me to but after that, he did some very unexpected things. Firstly, he pinned me down and kissed me. As he kissed me, he used one hand to continue the rubbing on my clitoris and used another hand to start massaging my one of my breasts sometimes pinching and rubbing the nipple.

My mouth made embarrassing sounds inside his involuntarily. After continuing that for a while, his mouth moved to my neck and kissed there. I never had my neck kissed before and I realised that I found it very pleasant. I could feel a wetness form on my vagina. I usually had this problem while reading erotica novels. They sugar-coated sex a lot. I knew how painful it was.

I heard heichou whisper in my ears, "I'll leave some hickeys on your neck. You don't mind do you?". "No I don't" I gasped as his finger actions on my clitoris and breast was messing with my breathing patterns. I felt him suck on my neck bruising it. It painfully delicious and I surprisingly enjoyed everything so far. I was questioning my experience already when heichou went down further and started sucking one of my breasts while massaging the other. I felt sensations that I never knew, I blushed furiously because I assumed these were shameful acts preserved only for erotica novels. Having heichou do these to me further contributed to that annoying wetness along with a dull pain inside my vagina. It was pleasant nonetheless.

This went on for a while and just when I thought things couldn't get better, heichou went right down to my vagina and gave me a big lick there. The light moans that were escaping my mouth for so long turned into louder ones as heichou continued licking. I felt my heartbeat increase and my body twitch when heichou suddenly stopped. "You're wet enough. I'll start with fingers" he murmured looking at my exasperated face. I was liking what he was doing before. I knew inserting finger hurts. However, when heichou did it, it didn’t hurt. I realised that the wetness helped him slip in.

I felt an awkward sensation. I felt... Full? He inserted another finger and I gasped as the sensation increased and my the sense of being full increased. Then to make my body go crazy, he started moving the two fingers sending of volts of pleasure all over my body. I felt my insides clenching again after a while when he stopped again. I saw him unbuckle his pants and pull his rock hard member out. It was big and I was sure it would hurt more than anything I ever experienced. "It might hurt at first cause you didn't have sex for a long time. Just tell me to move when it stops hurting" he instructed and I nodded because I was too nervous to form words.

He moved his hands from my body and used them as support as he continued to pin me down and position himself. He then used one hand to guide his member inside me. I felt a sharp pain as he inserted it slowly. I grabbed his hand to ease myself as he leaned down and kissed my neck to distract me from the pain. I felt him hit the end of my vagina, which gave me a weird sensation along with the pain. He didn't move as he continued to kiss my neck. The pain surprisingly stopped in a matter of moments. I remembered his instructions and whispered him to move. As he started moving, I felt a slight discomfort which was replaced by immense pleasure in seconds. The erotica novels were right.

The sensations that were flowing from my vagina to every other part of my body was hindering my ability to think and I felt myself loosing my mind. I had no words to describe this. He moved slowly and steadily, in and out as louder moans escaped my mouth. I wasn't controlling any of my actions now. It was him making my body do all sorts of embarrassing things.

Back in the underground, I remembered being forced to call out to those men as they enjoyed it for some reason but right now, I felt the need to call the captain out. "M-master please..." I gave out a strained moan. However, the captain abruptly stopped to that and looked at me with wide shocked eyes. "What did you call me?" he asked. All my senses returned to me as he stopped and I felt beyond embarrassed which made a few drops of tears leave my eyes. "I-I'm sorry. That's what I was taught when I was young. I don't know what I'm doing" I stammered. I saw heichou's eyes soften as he said, "I'm not your master. You don't have a master, (Y/N). Don't call me that." he said as he kissed my tears away and continued his pace.

"L-levi Heichou?" I tried to continue as I was loosing my mind again. I saw him smirk as he said, "As much as that turns me on, I want you to call me Levi. Just Levi. Whenever we are alone, I'm just Levi to you except for special circumstances". I didn't waste any time now as I moaned, " Levi, faster. Please.". He listened to me and picked up his pace as I grabbed onto his hand moaning his name out to keep a grasp onto my sanity.

Levi POV

Watching her orgasm was quiet amusing. She had no idea what was happening and she was trying to hold it back because she thought she will pass out. I had to instruct her to let go and it took a while for her to trust me. I came a while after she did. This time, I came faster than usual because her expressions were so raw that it turned me on more than anyone ever did, her vagina was tight and her small body was really easy and comfortable to handle.

We laid down for a while till I decided that we were filthy as we both sweated a lot and she had semen all over her. She was tired and passed out moments after we were done, so I had to pick her up and bath her and myself at the same time. I changed the bed sheets too and when I felt like things were clean enough, I placed her on the bed and got in beside her myself. She snuggled next to me and for once in my entire life, I felt happy.

The next morning:

I woke up to find (Y/N) sitting on the bed staring at the bathroom door and thinking hard about something. She covered her bare body with the bedsheet. Suddenly, I felt a stab of fear in my mind. Was she regretting last night? "(Y/N)? You okay?" I asked as I moved to sit beside her. "Yeah I'm fine. I was just thinking" she replied. I didn't beat around the bush and asked her, "Do you regret last night?". She looked at me and smiled and answered, "Of course I don't regret it. I was just confused. Last night was so much different from every other time I had sex. I felt like I am a protagonist in an erotica novel last night.".

"You were raped (Y/N). Last night was actual sex. Before that, your body wasn't developed enough for this. The people who did that to you deserves to be castrated." I answered with a sigh. She actually thought it was going to be something like her previous experience? I felt a pang of guilt for not letting her know that it wouldn't be like that. She probably was scared the whole time until the actual penetration began. I, however, admired her bravery. It was one of her many qualities that made me notice her.

"Did you enjoy it?" she asked me without looking at my face. "Yes. It was a lot better than any of my previous sexual encounters. I suppose I'm more into small women than tall now." I answered her. She still wasn't looking at me. I was looking at her, waiting for a response when I heard a soft sniffle coming from her face. I immediately turned her face towards me to find her crying softly.

"What's the matter? Are you okay? Did I hurt you last night? " I asked her panicking. "No you didn't." she consoled me. "It's just, I wish I never experienced anything before you. I want to forget everything that happened before." she said as her crying intensified. Just as she completed that sentence, she was crying like a baby. I didn't know how to comfort her so I instinctively hugged her. I remembered my mother doing this when I was sad. That was a long time ago and I never used this on anyone so I hoped this would work on her. I heard her muffled cries as I felt her tears wet my chest but I didn't let go of her. She cried for a long time before calming down slowly. I still didn't let go of her even when she was calm. She didn't try to get away from me either.

We laid down on the bed holding each other till someone knocked the door. I had to let go of (Y/N) as she ran into the closet to wear some clothes. I walked into the closet to pick a pant of mine with her and when I was done, I opened the door. The hotel manager was standing outside.

"Captain Levi, I had to speak with you" he said formally. I moved from the door as he came in and sat on the sofa of the living room. "It has come to my attention that Ms (L/N), who is staying with you has hit one of our sex workers. I'm aware that you know about it too as you were in the scene and we both know that it was Emilia. Now, I don't want to know if there is anything between you and Ms (L/N) but starting a bar fight isn't an appropriate thing to do..." he said before I stopped him and said, "Before you continue, you should hear our side of the story. Emilia tried to force herself on me even if I tried to politely push her away. I had to be rough with her only because she wasn't getting the message. Ms (L/N) tried to reason with her and said her that I’m not interested but she insulted Ms (L/N) and body shamed her. You should take these into account, Mr Davis".

"I see. Well, you do have a point but letting you stay in this hotel for now would only raise rumours about you and Ms (L/N). I'm sorry but I don't want my hotel to have a bad reputation for bar fights." the manager concluded formally. Before I could reply, I heard another knock at the door. I excused myself and opened the door to see a panting military police cadet. "Levi heichou, Commander Erwin has regained consciousness!" he informed.

"He's awake?" I heard a surprised and relieved voice behind me. (Y/N) stood there with a smile on her face. "Yes. Go pack. We won't have to stay here anymore now anyway" I commanded her as she slipped back into the room and started packing. "Well, I'll give you time to pack and I'll arrange horses. Good day" the manager said to me and walked out of the room. I went to help (Y/N) pack our bags.

To be continued...

Taglist: @reality-is-often-disappointing, @kingtamakimurder

#levi smut #levi aot #shingeki no kyoujin levi #levi attack on titan #levi x reader #levi x fem!reader #levi×reader #levi ackerman

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