#i'm a massive fucking weirdo for not eating when other people are eating

[anaalnathrakhs]

i keep looking at posts like "i stopped a binge" "i prevented a binge" and all of them are like. "i waited until the urge went away". buddy. the urge doesn't go away. there's no urge. there's just nothing else to do. i don't have anything else to do. every time i stop eating no matter how long i sit with the feeling or not, i always go for more food because there is genuinely nothing else in my life. nothing is enjoyable anymore. the world sucks. no matter what i force myself to do it's the only positive thing i can ever find.

#like okay cool i let the people around me guilt me into eating whatever they think i should be eating #i get it. i'm so fucking stupid for missing out opportunities to try new food. i should never buy the same food twice. #i should always buy all the variety i can and try everything. #i'm so stupid for having eaten the same stuff in a loop for years and years #i'm a massive fucking weirdo for not eating when other people are eating #i keep stealing food from my parents and the people around me i keep taking way too much of stuff intended for a group #nowhere i go will be free of obligations #i have to keep buying my own poison because everywhere i go there's other people's food waiting for me anyway #my parents keep looking at me like a freak no matter if i eat dinner with them or not #they see me binge and nothing happens #we just ignore it #i just eat until Designated Eating Time is finished #hunger doesnt ever have anything to do with it i just eat when food's in front of me #i need the ritual i need the structure it brings to my life #both meals with other people and my ritual binges #i dont know what to do with myself when i'm not binging #and it's like i'm not allowed to not want food #to other people #it's like i must necessarily want all food and anytime i refuse it's restriction #my friends are always like ooooh you can grab some of my fries if you want #or oooooh do you want the rest of my cookie #or ooooooh and how about you are you ordering something #and i'm like :) yeah sure :) like anybody else would :) #and to myself. to myself i don't know. i think i just want to give up. i want to suffer and i want to fuck up so badly. #so badly that no one can deny i need help #i want to be proven right. i'm just a little weakling and all i'm good for is to haunt the halls of a mental hospital. #no responsabilities no pressure nothing but a pitiable suffering victim #i want somebody or something to swoop in and save me #but nobody will come. it's my job to ask for reasonable help from the relevant authorities. and currently they can't offer that care. #so fuck me i guess

[biskael]

What's something your muse struggles with in relationships?

... so much . quilge is not a very social person . he actively isolates himself a lot . of course , he does like being alone . he is so used to being this dominant , intense figure of authority . he also kills his own men ; he doesn't see anything wrong with killing someone he deems , in his eyes , a "weakling" or a "coward." he barely respects them . his other sternritter fare better , but there are certainly numbers of comrades he outwardly doesn't like . he looks down on a lot of his other quincy comrades . he's pompous and smug . he doesn't LIKE a large number of people ( namely , if i were to write with other characters from canon , there's not many people who he would legitimately like as friends TBH ? if that makes sense ) , no matter who they are . quilge is such a hater . that's a big part of his problems , i think . he's obsessed with strength and running things his way . it's why he's a prison warden , tbh .

he rarely maintains friendships . he killed his family , as per a consensual hunting ritual . everyone is mostly at arms-length from him . if he isn't in his awful hell-dungeon of pain ( which is underground ) , he's outside somewhere hunting or skinning something or snapping its bones or running a hook through its body or carving its meat up to prepare to eat ... or he could be going over his weapons armory ! he loves to collect weapons . he likes sharp things that kill people .

various outliers to anti-social tendencies , of course , are as follows : @guadanya ( his lover & husband ) , @za-baransu ( his grandmaster & brother figure ) , @lichtreich ( his majesty and father figure ) , @zombiigrl ( his adopted baby sister ) , @phobiael ( fellow sternritter and weirdo ) , @deathleads ( his bestie & just someone who connects with more than the usual person ) , @fractise ( another friend & someone whos work he finds fascinating ) , frederik ( whos URL i forgot </3 , but he's his soldat ! ) & @soldatworships ( his other favorite soldat ) . special mentions go to @cinghialefedele , who quilge sort of looks out for as nnoi's little guy , and even ... @fenixias , though their relationship is ... VERY TENUOUS , dangerous and not based on trust . they have a rather complex and layered relation , but quilge regularly talks to her . i MIGHT have forgotten some people , but MOST of the other people i can't name off of the top of my head , he doesn't outwardly like . tbh . full on , he is just a fucking jerk ( i'm sorry if i forgot someone , truly BNJKFEAJKNRHERSFDK ) .

highlights of his relationships included ... quilge experiencing actual , legitimate romantic love with nnoitra , someone who was supposed to be his enemy , the antithesis of his kind . they did always try to kill each other numerous times , of course , before nnoitra was captured . hell , even after he was captured , nnoi kept on trying to eat him alive . another interesting moment is when quilge tried to kill yhwach when they first met . he had flown into such a massive bloodlust , an intense battle high , that he couldn't be brought back down . one tiny detail i hold dear is quilge and gigi exchanging gifts . he still uses his mace that she gave him for christmas !

incoming quilnoi section :

although , in terms of his main romantic / sexual relationship with nnoitra , therein is arguably the most intense dynamic . they've been through a lot , both apart and together ; it would take a severing to really pry themselves off of one another . but , as many of us know , their relationship isn't the most healthy or balanced ( ex. they can argue and that usually winds up with SOMEONE being tossed through several walls . quilge is obsessed & very possessive with nnoitra , he would kill his own men just to be with him . . nnoitra is also possessive , willing to kill people for looking at quilge for juuuuust a bit too long ... among other examples . ) , even if they do love each other . even if they find solace and relate to one another . and i don't really think it could ever be sunshine & butterflies . they're both extremely bloodthirsty & insane evil men , with bouts of gentleness & understanding , learning between themselves , navigating their unorthodox relationship . but they certainly have their moments .

quilge is just ... sort of this NIGHTMARE of a man to deal with , though , in all honesty . he holds intense anti-social aspects , and prefers to be on his own , or in the command of others . he lacks respect , or just outright ignores it . if he isn't belittling you , he's probably THINKING about it , if not thinking about committing murder . he doesn't relate to others well , and has worked in / spent time in some of the most dire , disgusting situations . he would rather skin and bone an animal than talk to some people , and that's absolutely a quilge problem .

#he is just . a lot . he's so much #he struggles with these things & ignores that he needs help </3 #[ 𝖎𝖒𝖕𝖗𝖎𝖘𝖔𝖓𝖊𝖉 . ] | | | headcanons . #queue . #ASK TO TAG .

[ursbearhug]

Okay in my normal vein I'm obligated by law to recommend a good game!

So I had some spare change on my steam account because my previous purchases (Devil May Cry 5 and Resident Evil 6) were... Less than satisfying. I know RE6 is good story wise because I've watched let's play of it but playing the game myself caused some serious conniptions. Devil May Cry was on the other hand, an example of horrible port or game that was not made for PC in the first play. Whatever it was, it was just horrendous experience all around. But since you can only play for less than 2 hours in order to return the game, I might have missed the game being the best in the world in the meantime or something.

This by the way is something I've learnt the hard way because I'm 98% sure that at the time, mother language version of the service rules you agree to, have been horribly untranslated. In English it clearly says that game needs to be played for less than 2 hours AND returned within two weeks of purchase. When I read it (not in English) it said one or the other. And I was very perplexed and vexed because I couldn't give back the game I barely played but bought two years ago or some shit like that. Anyway!

"Pentiment" is gorgeous game stylised for 15 and 16th century illuminations. There is a lot of gothic and humanistic calligraphy to oggle at if that's something you fancy. I know to a lot of folk it is hard to believe but antique and mediaeval latin are different and therefore a lot of it is hardly understandable to me (though, a lot of is because it's just 'reprints', like for instance; Aeneid). But that's only if you go through the trouble of reading that flashing latin (which I do because I'm a weirdo). There is a lot of the "choices matter", most of the game is carefully picking conversation options - since game is constantly auto saved, you cannot pick and revert your choice; this ain't Life is Strange. If you fuck up, you have to live with that wrong choice you've picked by accident and WHOOPS 13 hours of gameplay for naught because YOUR FAT FUCKING FINGER SLIPED. It's okay. I'm over it... - and investigating. But what could you be investigating? MURDER! And this time it ain't butler's fault. And no Agatha Christie to be found.

Beside being just gorgeous to look at, it runs really well too. It's tad too loud for me personally but I'm not really game music nerd. It is okay though! Characters that I got to meet are really sweet and lovely too. Most of them anyway. Towns folk especially. The amount of dilfs I would like to... Well... Fuck - is staggering. Game is also somehow aware of gay people existing in the 16th century monasteries and out. I would *DIE* for Jorg. He is big where it matters. (It's his heart pervs)

To my delight game has 3 acts and it took me 13 hours to get through 1st. Now I had the freedom to play almost nonstop but I'm also a MASSIVE snoop and I was getting into everybodies' business with my crew and talking dog. I meant meddling kids! So there is a chance that somebody who cares less about petting every dog and cat and smelling every flower and talking with everybody 6 times just to be sure, will be able to go through the game quicker.

Oh, yes. You can pet 16th century illuminations of a cat or dog. Ya know how everybody lost their shit that Hogwarts Legacy: Transphobia Crowd Funded had the petting cats options? Yeah, eat your heart out JKTERFling. One of the dog is called Mirabilis which is: according to my poor memory and even worse grasp on Latin - either an adjective meaning "wonderful" or noun meaning "wonder". I would die for them too.

There is also some "choose your own adventure" motifs, with picking unfinished (hits too close to home mister Game) major, second field, your origins and later even main occupation (and I - for once in my entire life - was pleasantly surprised to see my nation and country existing prominently. Though that was when it excelled historically, so yeah). And I think it gives it a lot of charm.

I will try to finish the game (and perhaps cram the second playthrough because I have new BETTER ideas to FUCK UP MY GAME) before the weekends end. Game is currently on a discount on Steam and will be till 4th of May to anybody interested!

Anyway, I'm really tired and tomorrow is fancy Flea Market awaiting me so! Good night ol buddies ol pals!

#percy does things #percy does gaming