#i’ve always been fat and fairly unhealthy bc i didn’t have access to good food growing up (bc poor)

[pollenallergie]

:/

#tw disordered eating #personal #i have a consultation appt coming up soon with a bariatric weight loss program and i’m v nervy #i’ve always been fat and fairly unhealthy bc i didn’t have access to good food growing up (bc poor) #but i also struggle with self-control/impulse control because… obviously #so i binge a lot and then feel really bad afterwards (physically and mentally) but i struggle to tell myself no #so i go through periods where like one day i’ll eat absolutely nothing at all to punish myself & the next i’ll binge until i’m sick #but no psychiatrist has ever wanted to diagnose me with an eating disorder because… well… the psychiatrists in my area aren’t great… #and i’m fat…. so i don’t fit their idea of what someone with an eating disorder should look like #so i’ve never been able to get treatment for my disordered eating #so i’m excited about my consultation… #but i’m also nervous that i won’t be able to actually lose the weight #because most of my family has the same type of disordered eating #and they grew up poor so they don’t have the best idea of nutrition nor do they currently have the means to afford good food (still poor) #so regardless of what information i’m given #my family is likely going to continue to buy the same tempting unhealthy foods #and i just don’t trust myself :/ #also i’m not sure if my insurance will cover my appointment if the clinic chooses to take me on as a patient #so i could literally just be told that yeah i’m overweight and i clearly need help but i can’t get help because insurance #which wouldn’t do anything for me except for make me feel 1000x worse about my current situation #but also i’m so tired of feeling/being this way #not necessarily being fat but being unhealthy and feeling like i don’t have control over my own impulses and actions… #like i don’t have the power to stop myself from binging #it’s just very frustrating and really taking a toll on me #sorry for the rant #but life is a lot for me right now #and i can’t talk to anyone in my family about this because they’ll think i’m a danger to myself #(aka going to off myself) & they’ll take me to the hospital & then i’ll have to go in inpatient again (i haven’t been inpatient since 14/15) #& i really just don’t want to deal with that because like… that’s not what’s happening here #tw mental instability