#i wanted to squeeze one out for you all

[seiwas]

boyfriend iwaizumi hajime fixing your posture every time he sees you hunched over and slouching—the way he holds your shoulders and straightens it by rolling it back, thumbs pressing into your shoulder blades.

he gently pushes your lower back whenever he notices you curling into yourself, runs his fingers up your spine too.

and he does it all quietly, your only warning the feel of his hands on you.

it’s almost like he has a radar for it, some posture-sense that tingles every time your back is anything but straight.

when you complain about back pain, he snorts, mumbling a ‘wonder why’ before coming over to knead out the knots anyway.

he buys you an ergonomic chair to hopefully help out, even leaves x-rays and scans of bad backs lying around to give some subliminal message of what could happen if you don’t fix it now.

and when he takes you from behind, pushing down on your lower back to give him that arch he likes, he’s teasing, telling you that you only seem to listen when he has you like this.

he’s really starting to think, should he start fucking you with your back straight?

#can anyone tell im obsessed w his hands #can anyone tell im obsessed w HIM #iwaizumi x reader #how he squeezes your traps and you take it as a signal to straighten up immediately #i think it comes to a point where . he kind of pavlovs you into it 🤧 his mere presence in the room has you straightening your back #and that’s exactly what he wants 🥺 he just wants a good back for his baby #so he can blow your back out 🥲🫶🏻 #later on . tonight . eventually . #i mEAN WHAAAAATTTTT no one saw me type this #im crying 🥲 iwa hours open rn #my bf straightens my back all the time bc i have terrible posture n he always notices lmao #n he always tells me id be taller and my back would hurt less and id complain less abt how i look in photos #i tell him its hard !!!!! i have baggage up front !!! #he shuts up but continues to straighten it quietly ajsjxjsjxnnsskxk #(hes right tho… i rlly shud fix my posture) #seiwa.🤍 #rated #shotorus.workbook

[mymarifae]

does anyone want to join me on the aventurine/argenti train. it's got all the perks of being as funny as any other argenti ship - especially given the random absurdity of their first meeting. what the hell was argenti doing in the depths of the nihility? who even knows anymore man. but like also i think it has the potential to be really sweet?

aventurine hasn't let anyone In since his sister died. he's long since forgotten how to Trust, and Love, and how to BE Loved. and this, combined with enormous amounts of survivor's guilt and trauma and being treated as an object, has really done a number on his self-esteem. he doesn't act like it (because he's learned that it's dangerous to be vulnerable; it's the one gamble he's not willing to take), but 2.1 gave us that glimpse into his inner dialogue and it is Bad in there

between his conversation with acheron, the note veritas left for him, and finding a sense of closure in the apparition of his younger self, he's on track to becoming better. we can see it in the way he pretty much immediately reaches out to the trailblazer to get some things off his chest once he gets his phone working again. and the way he's accepting what is basically a form of therapy from the doctors of chaos. but his self-hatred has been building up for years, and it's going to take a long time to unpack and unlearn all of that

so like, in comes argenti, right? he's a loud show-off, but he is SO earnest. he sees the beauty in everything and everyone. he's kind, and gentle, and so full of love. he also comes off as a bit... lonely to me? he's spent so much of his life chasing after idrila's shadow, and only catching a glimpse of them in his many near-death experiences (and isn't that something to think about...........). he's not like, secretly miserable or faking or anything - i think his exuberance is 1000% genuine. but humans are social creatures; everyone wants and requires at least some form of closeness and intimacy. to have a love to pursue in This realm... someone he can see and hold without needing to have one foot in an early grave . i think that would be good for him. that's all

anyway, it's clear that argenti was pretty enchanted by aventurine

like yeah that's kind of just how he talks normally but !?@,%&#& that's a lot of awfully romantic things to say about one specific person out of the several you apparently rescued (??????? god i love this guy he makes no sense. literally why are you even here bud). it seems that aventurine's more subdued state left an impression on him too, and well wouldn't it be pretty in character for him to start popping in randomly... as he does, because he can apparently just go wherever the fuck he wants. to check on this sad yet oh so beautiful peacock.. to try to bring a true smile to his face... to show him how kind and beautiful the universe can be......

i think aventurine might have a hard time laughing off offers of comfort and company and the beginnings of a courtship if it comes from someone like argenti. this man couldn't be disingenuous if he tried. he doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve as much as he rips it out of his chest to show you. it'll be a learning curve regardless - aventurine is too used to needing to constantly prove his worth to keep anyone around and to keep them from hurting him

but do you see it. do you see the vision. do you see how Sweet this could be. aventurine is about to receive more roses than he'll know what to do with

#i spent enough time on this that i think i can... #honkai star rail #argenti #aventurine #aventi... argenturinenope i hate this one actually #avegenti. dude i don't know don't ask me i'm just the messenger #like can i just say that what most ratiorine shippers are trying to squeeze out of that would be better found Here. #i don't mind the ship as much as i used to. veritas is kinder than i gave him credit for. i can even enjoy it if done right #but like #? veritas may be kinder than i originally thought but he's not that kind. #he's harsh truths and tough love. he started to soften after aventurine's unexpected death sentence and he has the potential to soften more #but guys i don't think a ratiorine relationship that takes place so soon after the events of penacony or god forbid BEFORE- #is going to go that smoothly #veritas has his head pretty deep in his own ass. it's going to take him a bit to get that out #he's more likely to hurt aventurine and send him right back into his defensive shell than he is to actually help him along his recovery #and/or aventurine is likely to dismiss any of his attempts to be more forthcoming with his feelings because of his perceived dislike for hi #and just how their working relationship always was Before #if you want to talk about that and the messy struggle to be better for each other after they stomp all over the other's heart #i'm all ears man. #but if you want something that's softer from start to finish and not so stressful... listen to me. argenti and aventurine is where that's a #i think both options are appealing tbh? in their own ways

[twilight-deviant]

Telling content creators it's wrong to explore artistic freedom and be independently funded by fans, and they should instead continue taking advertisement revenue from google* is

NOT

the anti-capitalism stance actually.

*(Yes, google owns youtube.)

#Watcher #This post is specifically and exclusively about the people who seem to have the capitalism bit wrong #It's almost fascinating how no one is hearing themselves speak #I feel like some of you don't understand WHY we support small businesses and are anti-monopoly #I've seen multiple posts saying “Shane is so anti-capitalism there's no way this was his idea.” #So... you think it's pro-capitalism to start your own business instead of relying on pennies from the exploitative mega-corporation? #Guys... we support small businesses KNOWING it will cost the consumer more #Stop thinking you're entitled to someone's product #That's what got us in this mess #I understand $6 is a lot for many many people but that is what makes certain things a luxury #Nothing used to be this way #Nothing used to be “free” so you can be monitored for your viewing habits and sold to advertisers #If you see a little guy trying to leave youtube/google and you paint them as the capitalist??? You. have. taken. a. wrong. turn. #I don't know how many more ways I can say it #It is better to support someone (if you can) than to pressure them into taking money from the trillion-dollar corporation #so that you can have what they put all their blood/sweat/tears into for free #If you want something badly enough you're going to have to pay for it #Them's the breaks #If you don't want it that badly then maybe it didn't mean enough to you personally #Thinking otherwise is how corporations like youtube take over and squeeze out small competitors #btw on monopolies: having almost every single video content creator (outside of tiktoks and video game streams) on youtube is BAD #You understand that's bad yes? #How tf are we going to diversify unless SOME CREATORS leave youtube??? #It's almost the responsibility of larger creators to do so #Ironically what I said is backwards #In its ideal state‚ capitalism is supposed to inspire innovation and new business‚ giving every person a chance to succeed #But I think we all know that's not the reality we're experiencing #I just went with what everyone means when they say it

[grovekeepers]

What fighting in Avernus alongside Karlach and Wyll does to a man

#bg3 #bg3 spoilers #baldur's gate 3 #bg3edit #bg3 oc #bg3 tav #vgedit #videogameedit #gamingedit #dailygaming #miyku #mikaeled #userdekarios #userwolfkissed #please larian all i need is chest hair and post-game cambion evaporation content #so i can update his looks for the avernus journey #he's been avoiding his infernal lineage like the plague do you know how much i could squeeze out of an avernus/zariel hunt dlc #i wanted to do one of those act 1 2 and 3 outfit memes but i got sidetracked with post-game outfits instead #oc: robin

[hella1975]

you ever have a fic get you in such a chokehold you start pacing your room and talking to yourself

#THIS FIC WAS WRITTEN FOR ME SPECIFICALLY #BURN IT ALL DOWN BY DOROTHYCANFLY ON AO3 THIS IS GENUINELY ONE OF MY TOP 5 FICS OF ALL TIME EVER #IT'S GOT THE BEST DABI CHARACTERISATION IVE EVER COME ACROSS IT'S GOT REALLY WELL WRITTEN DABIHAWKS #THAT FITS BOTH OF THEM LIKE THEY'RE MEAN AS HELL ABOUT IT AT FIRST #IT'S GOT STUPIDLY DEVOTED TOUYA-SHOUTO IT'S GOT PROTECTIVE BIG BROTHER TOUYA #IT'S GOT MENTAL ANGST WRITTEN LIKE A DREAM THE WRITING IN GENERAL IS INSANE #IT'S ACTION PACKED BUT DONE WELL SO THAT IT'S NOT TEDIOUS IT'S FUNNY IT'S GOT TWISTS #IT'S KEEPING ME ON MY TOES I NEVER KNOW WHAT'S COMING OR HOW FAR THE AUTHOR IS WILLING TO GO #IVE LITERALLY READ 300K WORDS IN TWO DAYS AT THIS POINT LIKE I AM ABSOLUTELY FINISHING THIS TONIGHT #WHAT THE FUCK EVEN AM I GONNA DO WITH MYSELF AFTER THIS #EVERY NEW THING THAT HAPPENS LITERALLY HAS ME GETTING UP TO PACE ABOUT #I CLOCKED OUT OF MY MUM TELLING ME OFF EARLIER BC I WAS THINKING ABOUT THIS FIC #DO U KNOW HOW DANGEROUS THAT IS BASO JUST SIGNED MY DEATH WARRANT BUT I DIDNT CARE #losing my goddamn mind respectfully <3 if anyone has read this pls yell with me about it #and if anyone knows mha and wants a fic rec PLEASE let it be this one it's my fav mha fic ever and ive read A LOT #it gets quite smutty in the middle but if that's not ur thing the author tws very well and u can kinda just scroll #so that u still get the important character developments without it being just pure smut lol #god this FIC. holding it in my fucking fist and squeezing the everloving life out of it im going INSANE #i cant remember the last time a fic got me this way im literally giggling about it all #HE FOUND A REASON TO LIVE AGAIN THEY TOOK THIS MANGLED BLOODY BOY AND SAID WE LOVE YOU #YOU ARE GOOD YOU CAN STAY YOU CAN REST NOW WE'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU AND HE CHOSE THEM! HE CHOSE THEM! #OVER HIS REVENGE AND HIS RAGE HE CHOSE THEM! IM GOING TO BE VIOLENTLY SICK #like the author LETS DABI BE A CUNT. the first chunk of the fic he's actively not a good person #and his coping mechanisms are shot to shit and we WATCH HIM GROW FROM THAT i have cried several times over the most mundane shit #goddddddddDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDAKSJFJKAGSFIUAHGJKAKG #mha #fic rec

[simplydnp]

love spending $100 on merch i cant wear because they changed clothing suppliers and didn't say anything ://

#i'm a little pissed off ngl. they usually use glildan and i know my gildan size and i like how they fit! cozy. a lil loose. not tight. #and now they used someone else and i literally put it up against a gildan of the same and it is soo different. #the fucking sleeves first of all lost like more than 2 inches of circumference and squeeze the shit out of my arms #and i'll say it ya girl's got a chest and i dont like flaunting it so shirts gotta go across but not tight yknow #but naww let everyone see cause its not the same width as the gildan ones either. #ffs. and the shirts dont feel good quality either. say what you want about gildan but i cant see sunlight easily through their black shirts. #i was really excited too :(( #and they keep shipping it express which i Dont Want but i just click the only option which is stupid fucking expensive #dnp #c.text #dan and phil #phan

[l0vergirls]

your favourite fictional character having a canon love interest makes for some good reader insert angst

#because theyre basically written in the stars while you have to stand by and watch #all you can do is wait until your love for them dies down #but it never does because how can you ever get over them? the love of your life? #if there's a love triangle going on #you know deep in your gut it wont be you in the end #but it never hurts to hope #(it feels like your heart is being ripped out of your chest and squeezed in front of you) #you allow yourself to indulge in them before they realise you arent what they want #that you arent what they need #because you'll never get a chance like this again #i will not write angst here #i love happy endings so i will not be the one 🙅🏻‍♀️ #well really idk depends how i feel #— yan speaks.

[lollitree]

Making this comic has really made me realise there’s just way too many important characters in Pokemon XY

#there's already 4 rivals all introduced at the same time and who are friends but then you have lysandre sycamore sina and dexio #with 5 important villain team admins #diantha and az are kiiiinda meant to be important too but there wasn't enough room to fit them in enough #then you've also kinda got Korrina and her grandfather who explain mega evolution for you #it's amazing they were able to develop it as much as they did they tried to squeeze in so much #most if not all of the characters fall flat in the end because of it but still #because you have 3 rivals in swsh but they rarely interact with each other they're mostly rivals of you #so even though it's a high number there's still more room to develop the characters individually #it does get a bit exhausting trying to make sure all the characters get developed enough #I didn't realise how much bigger the character scale was in XY compared to all the other games #especially when I have favs I want to give way more focus than what's in the game #it's really hard to figure this out #on one hand I want to give all the characters time to shine but at the same time that's going to take a REALLY long time #would people be alright with that too #would -I- be able to go that long is a big one too!! #only time will tell #XYLiro #pokemon

[montypng]

watched dead boy detectives recently and the show has been simmering in my brain in the most frustrating way. like its not bad its not a bad show. but for all the elements where i was like YES!! YES!!! i also thought i could have done this better. AUUGHH!!!!!!! AUGHH

#spoilers for dead boy detectives in the next tags #this is a post for literally no one else but me. i want to rant #TIME LOOP MURDER HOUSE. THATS HORROR ENOUGH WHY TF DID U NEED TO ADD ANOTHER MONSTER THERE THE TIME LOOP IS ENOUGH #FUCKING. RUAGHHHHH GIANT ANGLERFISH LURING PEOPLE TO DEATH. SO GOOD WHY DIDNT YOU PUSH IT TO THE MAXIMUM WHY DID U CUT THE TENSION SO SOON #HOW DOES THAT MEGAFAUNA SURVIVE IF UR PUTTING IT TO SLEEP AND IT HASNT EATEN ENOUGH. #WHY IS CHARLES ANGRILY TELLING EDWIN ABT HIS TRAUMA. KEEP IT BOTTLED UP LONGER UR A CHARACTER NOT EXPOSITION DIALOGUE #wheres that post like he would not fucking say that but its about a character being too emotionally aware. he would not fucking know that #about himself. stop the therapy talk #why is edwins hell a giant doll baby spider thing. i mean that was fine and scary and whatever but COME ON ITS LITERALLY HELL #cant you personalize it a bit more......dig into his deep rooted fear of abandonment or rejection or something TWIST THE FKN KNIFE. #like i understand maybe its plot related like hes not meant to be in hell so he doesnt have a personalized torture chamber but still. STILL #YOU COULD SQUEEZE SO MUCH MORE CHARACTER OUT OF THIS SCENARIO COME ONNN #ok thats it for now. like its not a bad show its fun and all and theres a lot of potential #the writings not great in some places but its fine its just hitting. this very particular annoying spot in my head #where its like if i just changed a couple things this could be fucking fantastic. for me personally of course #i could write such good fanfiction for this show . i probably wont but i need you to know i could

[redpiperfox]

But mainly, and really:

#red's week in music #STORYTIME WITH RED GATHER ROUND KIDDOS! #was at kids club tonight and went in knowing little 8 year olds mom had her baby this morning and lil girl was now big sis if two #and knew she hadnt come from home bc her hair was a mess of someone who didnt know curls trying to do it lol #shes generally emotional and dramatic but we can all see that shes a lil more so tonight. understandably. lotsa change #well she kinda hinges on this one thing of not getting the verses said to earn a jewel bc she wasnt able to say them-- totally fine! we'll #practice and get them later! but shes distraught bc she worked on them with mum and wont get jewel so i keep telling her when we'll work on #them together and when ill listen to her and we can get it done. cool. then lesson time shes up and down sniffly and the lesson says smth #about childbirth-- bursts into disarray. i ask her if she wants to step out and we blow her nose and she keeps talking about the verse so i #tell her solutions for that and then shes working herself up so i work thru calming down and she goes from #“i think im mad” to “mom would let me do what i want!” and i know the real issue isnt the verse but thats what shes telling me so... #adult shes staying with cautiously steps in and she calms down to tell me “its not the verse... i think i miss my mom” #oh my heart i know honey i give her a hug and we talk about the sleeover shes going to have and when shes going to see mom #and shes sleeping next to lil sis so shes going to give sis a big hug and tell her theyre going to see mom in the morning #and then i ask her if she wants to go back and she does and i just hold her and hug her the whole time #i give her another squeeze when she leaves and tell her to enjoy her sleepover #her friend shes staying with i should not did a very sweet of coming over and saying “hey lookit this new book i got do you wanna color it #with me maybe?“ which was such an emotionally mature thing for her and to see lil kiddo cheer up warmed me #teachers we debriefed and talked about kids going thru stuff at home and not being able to tell and process their emotions and stuff #and then i shared with mum on the ride back and she goes “yup. lil toddler will just miss mom-- its trauma at this age. this is why i #panicked and called my mother to come for your sis's birth bc dad said he could handle you but my heart couldnt for what you would go thru.“ #i was six when my sister was born. my grandma being there before consistently made me giddly excited in that time waiting for dad to bring #us to the hospital. #anyway my heart was full and im praying extra hard for two lil girls in a sleepover missing their mom tonight. #red's personal sitcom #Spotify

[noisytenant]

how safe are weed vapes compared to like regular vapes? I've recently heard vapes are like horrible for you cus you're just smoking a shit ton of chemicals but does that depends on what's being smoked?....since you said the weed is just being heated up is there less chemical intake overall or just less combustion byproduct like you said before (sorry if this makes like no sense I'm not familiar with this stuff at all or how it works lol but I also had a really bad experience with edibles and have bad lungs so I just wanted to know a bit more)

Hey sorry for responding so late I had gotten most of this post done after you first sent it but I ran out of energy and got too perfectionistic. Anyways here it is:

Excellent question! The first formal modern e-liquid vape was only released in 2003, though various attempts had been made earlier, which means we are still researching the long-term effects they have on health. When the average person says "vape", they almost exclusively mean "e-liquid vape".

Currently, what we can see about e-liquid vapes: They're not very good. They do reduce some smoking risks (no tar) but introduce other risks, and have a reputation of being safer and a potential smoking cessation aid while a reality of unregulated and poorly sourced ingredients which can cause acute and lasting lung damage.

Dry herb vaping, which is what I recommend, is much more straightforward, but only recently popularized and thus still needing more research.

At the risk of being a square: Any time you intentionally inhale something other than air, you're introducing more risk than if you simply never smoked or vaped anything. But like don't let that stop you, we take on risk all the time, that's what harm reduction's all about babey

Dry Vapes are Not Vapes

A vape or e-cigarette is a device that heats and vaporizes a liquid carrier with a suspension of the psychoactive chemical, either nicotine or THC. These are what people think of when they think of vapes, and these are generally the most problematic for having untested and unregulated chemicals while being touted as healthier.

A dry vape/dry herb vaporizer is the method I recommend, which heats the plant material (or concentrate like wax--I haven't done this myself personally) and evaporates the cannabinoids and terpenes without combustion. It's basically like baking your weed in a tiny oven.

This method was popularized most recently in 1993 with Eagle Bill's Shake and Vape, though apparently the principle of boiling vapor has existed since ancient times.

General Smoking Health Risks

Tobacco and weed both produce "tar" when burned--a catch-all for a variety of chemicals, many of which are carcinogenic, produced during combustion. The tar isn't made from the THC or the nicotine, but from the plant matter itself and its additives. If you burn plant matter and inhale the smoke, you inhale a certain number of toxic and carcinogenic chemicals.

There is some conflict on if smoking weed causes cancer. It certainly doesn't carry the same correlation as tobacco, but the reasons are unknown. We don't have long-term studies verifying a connection between the two. Very preliminary lab tests suggest that THC and CBD have antitumor effects, but it'll be a while before we can figure out the deal. There is still risk!!!

Regardless, the deposition of tar in lungs is an irritant and increases risks of things like bronchitis. For someone with asthma or weak lungs, smoking of any kind causes problems.

E-Cigarettes, or e-liquid vapes

E-cigarettes were manufactured to counter tobacco cigs starting in 2003. An e-cig heats a liquid with a suspension of nicotine, atomizing it into droplets of vapor that are then inhaled.

The liquid is usually propylene glycol or glycerol with other additives like flavorants. It seems like propylene glycol and glycerol have been safe for ingestion as a food additive, but being atomized in an inhaled form is pretty new and the effects aren't well-known.

The major issue is that we don't have a standardized and proven-effective vape juice formula. E-liquid is poorly regulated and many samples contain entirely unidentified substances.

This is the major cause for concern.

THC vape liquids have similar issues, including being cut with Vitamin E acetate, which was correlated with a string of vaping-related lung disease, though not fully confirmed to be the culprit.

Hopefully this delineates why vaping, as in e-liquid vaping, is problematic, and why dry vape is comparatively safer.

Why dry herb vape?

The boiling of the material introduces fewer (but not 0) unknown or undesired chemicals into the airstream. You're primarily getting the cannabinoids.

On a user experience level: It's quite weed-efficient, the weed tastes better w/o the smoke, it produces less smell, the vapor is less harsh on the lungs (you can and will still cough if you inhale too much tho), not much less portable than a joint

You can get a bong adapter and get megahigh still (I do have a bong but I don't like getting that fucked up)

Some vapes can heat concentrates, wax, etc. for potent highs (I haven't done this. But you can. Research yourself)

The already vaped bud (AVB) can be saved and reused for edibles, extracts, and concentrates; it's gonna be stripped of a lot of the psychoactives already, but not all of them--obvs be mindful of dosing here

Downsides: You do have to recharge battery vapes and get over the learning curve of batteryless (I'm pretty shit at using mine). You also have to clean your equipment every once in a while which is nbd for me who likes cleaning but yknow it does require upkeep. Easier than cleaning a bong tho

So, could you dry vape tobacco?

You can, but you probably shouldn't. Nicotine itself is highly physically and psychologically addictive and classified as toxic, and while it isn't considered carcinogenic, it is potentially a tumor promoter.

Pretty much everyone I know who's on nic tells me they don't like it, they wish they could quit, and they would never want me or anyone else to start.

Last, some Dry Herb Vaporizer Tips

Controlling the temperature allows you to control which cannabinoids are released to a certain extent.

Hot vapor can still irritate your lungs. Keeping a relatively low temperature (Guides indicate the best range) and having a long enough vapor path that the vapor can cool will help you have a smoother inhale.

Do not use a vaporizer with cheap elements. Plastic near the heating element will cause by-products.

Contaminants and pesticides can be inhaled, source your material appropriately

Overheating can still cause combustion. You will smell, taste, and see smoke if this happens.

All the physical and psychological risks of weed are present--Take it easy, know your limits, don't vape or smoke when you're in an unstable state, etc.

Thanks for reading, I hope this helps you make informed decisions and potentially find a way of intaking weed that suits your needs :) If you have any more Qs I'll try to answer (IN FEWER WORDS)

#indexed post #LONG POST #weed #vaping #vape #dry herb vaporizer #Also I don't want to plug brands that hard you can look on reddit for recs but #I got a combo deal of the potv ONE (battery) and the dynavap M (batteryless) for like $160 on sale and #while its an investment it's very worth it imo. Again the general efficiency and the AVB add a lot #I am not a heavy user by any means but I like. Have so much weed. I cant go thru it all. #Cuz its very efficient you can squeeze like 2-3 sessions out of one chamber of weedwhich is like #Idk how much goes into one pot its probably like 0.5-2g.

[todayisafridaynight]

grabbing the ichi plush by the neck and death gripping it like 'good things are to come its all going to be ok good things are to come' like its a lucky amulet

#snap chats #i didnt even pre order the ichi plush but spiritually i did. good luck charm. #anyway rant time look away from here. Im At My Limit <- i say this every week #I DONT EVEN KNOW WHATS WRONG <- lying. my moms home #i just feel terrible again. i feel so awful i gave myself a headache from being upset #do you know how upset you have to be to give yourself a headache just sitting and thinking #that happened when i was taking a spanish test once but i think i was just so stupid my brain actually started to hurt trying to think #i also remember being sad as hell that day tho so....... maybe it was both #everyday it feels like im sad thats so fucked up and theres nothing i can do about it #ALSO IT'S RAINING AGAIN rain never promises anything good unless you're a plant #im working but i should have this done in. idk a few hours #and then its the weekend right.... there's no limitations for sadness though brother doesn't run on a schedule #unless we're talking about seasonal depression but we know what i mean #ew im supposed to go to that con tomorrow i dont even know if i want to go anymore #i just don't want to do anything anymore ig is the vibe #idk i have a journal to whine bout all this in ╮(╯-╰)╭ squeezing ichi plush is a mood tho so im still posting #maybe if i play a lil y7 ill remember theres good things to wake up for.. #also i gave myself another headache OWOWOWOW STOP when will it end #wait let me be sad again because my dad said we'd hang out today or tomorrow #but i just know that's not happening and now im even more sad WEHHH no one loves me etc etc die #sometimes you just need a melodramatic teenager moment i think we're all due that right like once a month #ok i have to stop my head really hurts ☠️☠️☠️

[feline-evil]

Being into some game series's is a constant cycle of going 'ok, ok maybe this'll be the one we'll be so back on, maybe THIS time it'll be good' and getting hit in the face w how joever it is hard enough to make your ears ring every time

#jay talkin #sorry 4 bein a hater any tiny shreds of hope i had for silent hill as a franchise just got squeezed outta me im done #not a value judgement nor a taste judgement its just a ME personally thing imma enjoy the old ones n leave well enough alone #i got like....what. ten fifteen mins into watching the new free one they put out and hough boy #dont read on if u dont want 2 see opinions #ok so. beats u over the head w everything is disastrously unsubtle dialogue feels clunky #beats and aesthetics feel ripped wholesale from the pt-like boom years ago so it feels unoriginal #i hit a point where it handled a real world thing so fucking stupidly that i tapped out because i do not care to see #how awfully thats going to play out. it gives u a warning up front that there will be triggering content in it #heed that warning bc it is not subtle about it it is completely in your face with no artistry at all #i am not a believer you CANT approach triggering subjects i just think the way theyre doing it is fucking dumb #its dumb and shallow and feels completely uninformed by any real experience and its trite #7 years ago it wld have been passable. today its overdone and undercooked #and hey maybe it gets good further in. i have zero interest in waiting for that godbless and godspeed #if you enjoy it u enjoy it u dont gotta bother me w it. i think its bad and im allowed to <3

[againstme]

i think i'm kind of at a point now where i'm sick of being institutionalized, no matter how cushy of a situation this is.

i think i tend to have this sort of impostor syndrome about it, a back and forth of "oh, well at least i'm not in the psych ward", "at least i get to go outside", to just wishing that i could go home.

and i think both of these things can exist at the same time.

i'm grateful that i haven't been in the psych ward since november instead of where i am. and i am glad i get to go outside. i do like that there's a deck at this house, where i can sit outside and watch the sunrise/sunset, and play my guitar when it's not raining. i'm glad that we get to ride in the van to go to the center where we do group therapy, that there's a courtyard we can sit at in between groups, that i'm able to step outside and get fresh air if i need to.

but at the same time, i want to go home. i don't know where home is. i think my brain is associating "home" with back in santa cruz. at least for now, that's what i think of. it's the place where i've lived in the states the longest, since getting kicked out and flying there from korea when i was freshly 18.

that's what i mean by "home", i guess.

i want to sit in the garage at my friend's family's house. i guess they're my family too, my chosen family. they've been taking care of me since i landed on their doorstep in the middle of august 2019. i had about 300 dollars to my name; that was less than what i started with because i had to pay for my heavy luggage and my flight to san jose from seattle. i can't even remember how i got the money. i think i had saved up some from when i graduated that june.

i didn't have health insurance, i didn't have a bed, i had two suitcases and that was all, basically. i needed an inhaler. i needed a job. someone i knew (a former friend of a friend, that my friend group no longer associates with) introduced me to his mom, who was the manager of a grocery store about a 15 minute walk away. and she got me a job as a cashier.

anyways, the long backstory is something i can get into some other time.

the point is, my family, or at least, what i consider my family, is there. my friends are there. they're the first friend group larger than like 4 people who probably didn't even like me that i've ever had in my life. and they still enjoy having me around, though i tend to go back and forth on believing that.

so, i want to go home. i want to hug my friends, and be with my family. i want to stay up late watching episodes of community or new girl that we've all seen a dozen times, still laughing like it's our first time seeing it.

i want to sit on their kitchen floor, having a mixed drink with cheap vodka and trying to focus my brain while someone goes on a tangent that i can barely follow.

i want to do my obligatory ritual of going into their bathroom, looking at myself in the mirror, not even a bit sober, take a selfie, then grip my hands on the sink, staring at my reflection.

this isn't your classic "drunk at a party, stare at yourself in the mirror and think about how your life is falling apart" moment.

this is a moment of joy. of ecstasy, though you'd never take the drug. the alcohol warms your chest, but so does the feeling of connection.

it's also the feeling of safety. of understanding. of caring for another. sitting someone down on the couch when they're too high, giving them a blanket and a pillow. being stupid and not telling your friends you were on acid until hours deep into your trip, startled at first when so many of them said so many variations of "dude, you have to let people know when you're tripping", but later understanding that they just wanted to take care of you. the late nights at one of their parties where you and a friend snuck out to the backyard table, sharing a joint and talking about music, a sliver of light being cast by a warm deck lamp.

catching your friend in your arms as they suddenly pass out after stumbling inside to recover from a fall in the bathroom, shielding them from almost hitting their head on the bathtub. your friend rushing over to help as they came to, hoisting them up and over to the couch. freezing instinctively as they had a seizure, because you had never seen one before, then having your hands out, wanting to cradle them as they had another.

being so lucky to have another friend that's an EMT, coming in and taking them in her car as they both went to the hospital.

having everyone gathered around out on the front porch, solo cups in hand, being forcibly shocked into sobriety, beady eyes looking around at each other.

hearing someone say "anyone need a cigarette?" and hearing a chorus of "yes, thank god," around you. you don't smoke anymore, because it makes you sick, but you did smoke that night. and poured yourself a drink, mostly vodka, with just a splash of ginger beer.

finding yourself staring in the mirror again, white knuckling the sink. looking over at the tile floor, suddenly feeling the weight of your friend's slumped body in your arms as you both fell to the floor. thinking of how they narrowly missed the corner of the bathtub. your heart is still racing.

you think of all of the events that lead you up to being in that moment. of being there to catch them in your arms. of having that gut feeling of "no, i don't think i'm gonna let them go to the bathroom alone." and being grateful you trusted your gut. things could've been way worse. you don't want to think about that.

i think it's situations like those where i feel like, even though it's kind of fucked up, so many pieces had to fall into just the right place in order for that to play out the way that it did.

and it all started with that connection. with that sense of community, that sense of belonging, that feeling of wanting to protect the ones you love. and knowing that you love them in the first place.

i want to be a part of that again.

#c.txt #missing my friends. i love them all dearly. #spent over 40 minutes typing this instead of peeing and grabbing dinner. #you know how it is #i guess the point is that i want to get out of here and hug my friends #to hug and squeeze them and rock them back and forth #to have one of your friends pick you up and laugh. feeling their laugh resonating in your chest.

[pawacelsus]

what gets you so much about bonnie dd2?

WOOF okay opened pandora's box here, but also I have NO clue if I'll be able to really... Word it properly? She is sort of just The character that my brain decided to latch onto. May be simple, just be that she's new and therefore unique! But at the same time, I think it's because we see her chance at happiness get ruined. For most of the hero shrines in dd2 (that I have played), we see this constant fall: Paracelsus plays god, Audrey robs her first grave, Dismas robs the carriage, but the story doesn't (as far as I know!) really frame them as being on the... Up. It's this constant downward spiral. Things are getting worse and worse for them.

But, fittingly enough, Bonnie finds that glimmer of hope. She runs away from Saint Martha's, and she finds happiness! She's taken in, she's adopted! She finds new parents! It is very explicit: She is happy and things are looking up.

And then she ruins that. She, by her own hands, kills the people who took her in, and now she is haunted by it. All her trinkets weaken her against Gaunt enemies, where you can find the Woodsman, where everything points to that being her dad, the kindly man that took her in, who she killed. Fell the Tree, Carve the Toy, Protect the Child.

What's the worst is how close she was to happiness, unlike... A lot of the rest of the cast. She was so close to it. But she, like everybody else, ruined it by her own hands. And now here she is. There's no heroic background to her. She doesn't know the ancestor. She doesn't have experience fighting off these eldritch abominations that spew forth from the mountain. But she's there. She's fighting anyways.

MANY months ago, I had a run with a Sunny Disposition Runaway. That team, to this day, has been my absolute favorite, but part of the reason I like her so much is because of that one Runaway. Back when act-outs were a thing, Bonnie would consistently take hits for other people, even when they were really fine, and multiple times she had destressed people down to a manageable level. Absolute mvp. So, we head up to the Denial boss fight, and... She's the first one to die. Stuck with me, having the most positive character on that team be the first one to die. Of course, that's just my brain being silly, but it's stuck with me, and remains part of how I write Bonnie to this day.

And in general, I just really like her design! I like how grubby and grimy she is, I like the way her clothes are all patchwork and little details in how she looks! Compared to the rest of the cast, she looks so minor, so plain. Love her animations, love her attacks, love her playstyle, I just generally adore her. Patting her on the head. Lovingly giving her a juice box. Taking her away from my fireplace. Giving her a warm blanket and a nice meal.

#shocking myself most: i was able to actually word some of the reasons why I like her so much #I just! I like her a totally normal amount. I find her absolutely adorable and extremely sad #what's that one video where it's like ''we need to make more of these.'' that's how i feel about her. i am squeezing her. #what do you MEAN there are only 8 fics with her on ao3 and i have written one of them. this is a TRAVESTY. give her CONTENT. #anyways. yeah. there's so much more. i want to pick her apart so hard. i want to put her next to junia and lock them in a room together. #augurghgihfjghughgfghgfhgrugrj yeah theres all these coherent thoughts but also. she makes me chew my desk like a dog. you know? #you know characters who just Get you like that? hung out with my partner last night and i just randomly got hit with so many Emotions abt h #*her. that I nearly started crying. if that provides any more insight. #answered ask #verpine95 #ty for the ask! #darkest dungeon 2 #darkest dungeon 2 spoilers #runaway darkest dungeon 2

[oranberrie]

Ah the autistic experience of randomly remembering a situation from your childhood and realizing things

#i asked a teacher once if I could go Over the needed word count and she said something mean in return in front of the class #i used to write essays for fun and I remember that I liked the topic and I definitely wanted to infodump in the essay #i attempted to stay calm and realized I was going to really start crying and excused myself to the bathroom #where a really kind upperclassman immediately noticed my distress and hugged me and helped me calm down #or how about. the first time someone gave me a hug I actually enjoyed. and it was because he hugged me with really tight pressure #whereas all hugs I’d had previous were light and always left me uncomfortable from touching and having to lean over awkwardly #i always felt like i was about to fall over in hugs because I would try to return the favor of light touches and overbalanced myself usually #or how about. or how about. or how about. #so on and so forth. the autism was there at every moment of my life and no one noticed. even now unless I point out specifics #or spoon feed people tidbits of research I’ve done that upends their biases #people tend to immediately refuse to acknowledge or believe me. i don’t have the money for a diagnosis nor do I desire any of the #discrimination that comes from having a formal diagnosis. and the lack of one is almost always a point of contention when I explain things #hell I used to refuse to consider the idea myself because it felt like I was taking away from other peoples experiences #which was stupid because as the great High School Musical once said. We’re all in this together. #did Not help that I had an ex years ago who I did voice my theories to and got shut down rather harshly #idk just feeling nostalgic for the childhood I could have had in a perfect world. #a world where people were kind. a world with better healthcare. a world with better research studies to broaden understanding of diagnoses. #i want to go back in time on multiple trips and give my younger self tight squeezing hugs so often through my childhood that I would never #have had to think that hugs were supposed to be something you just tolerate