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carewyncromwell · 4 years

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[Although Carewyn and Merula’s “competition” at the Training Grounds didn’t go exactly as Carewyn had planned (considering that it had devolved into Merula stubbornly insisting that she’d won, no matter how much Bill tried to play mediator and say they’d both won), Carewyn was at least encouraged that Merula seemed to be in a better mood afterwards. Merula’s mood had improved so much that she even offered to teach Carewyn something, in return for training her. Carewyn wasn’t really sure if there was anything Merula knew that she didn’t and could be useful, but she reminded herself that even Ismelda had taught her how to use a Bat Bogey Hex, so she accepted the offer. If nothing else, it felt like it’d be rude to deny Merula the chance to try to repay her when Carewyn knew full well she deserved some gratitude -- particularly since Merula, like Ismelda, wasn’t very good at saying “thank you.”

After Charms class, Carewyn headed down the hall to Rakepick’s classroom, where Merula was already waiting.]

Merula: “I think Rakepick and I connect on a level that you and Bill wouldn’t understand.”

[Carewyn’s eyebrows knit together over her eyes suspiciously.]

“Oh?”

Because you both can be stupidly cruel with no regret?

Merula: “You haven’t always completely trusted Rakepick -- I’m not even sure you do now...”

“I don’t.”

[Carewyn’s response was oddly blunt despite its level, quiet tone. It was one thing when Bill admired Rakepick and Carewyn had trouble telling him her concerns and suspicions about her -- Carewyn didn’t want to hurt Bill’s feelings, when she knew how much cursebreaking meant to him and his future. But she saw no need to sugarcoat things with Merula.]

I know Rakepick saved my life -- but I will not feel gratitude toward someone who uses the Cruciatus Curse on complete strangers and who actively refuses to give me information about my brother. I refuse.

[Carewyn’s response, oddly enough, actually seemed to cheer Merula up.]

Merula: “That’s what I thought. And that’s why I think Rakepick likes me best -- she sees a little bit of herself in me. Which makes sense, because I want to be just like her when I grow up.”

[Merula’s sentiment startled Carewyn. She couldn’t think of anyone she’d least like to be like than Rakepick...except perhaps Snape. Or Dumbledore. Or Gilderoy Lockhart, or Filch -- okay, Carewyn could think of a lot of people. Still, the discussion of Rakepick had changed Merula’s expression, making it brighter, and yet unsure -- it transformed her face, making her suddenly look much younger.]

Merula: “...It’s why I didn’t want Rakepick to know I was nervous about going into the Cursed Vault. I thought it would disappoint her if she knew I was afraid.”

[Carewyn’s expression relaxed, losing its cynicism completely, as she considered Merula.]

“...You...really admire her.”

[Merula’s face flushed slightly, but she forced a brave expression.]

Merula: “Yeah, I do.”

[She seemed to be daring Carewyn to make fun of her for it -- but Carewyn wouldn’t have even considered doing such a thing, in that moment.

Merula and Carewyn had never seen eye to eye on much of anything, and Rakepick was no exception. Carewyn had never really trusted Rakepick, given that she couldn’t suss out her true motives and character the way she could for most people. At least with everyone else she interacted with, Carewyn was confident enough in them all being good people that she didn’t mind helping them. But with Rakepick, Carewyn had always felt like the cursebreaker was using her and her friends to achieve her own goals -- no matter how good of a professor she was, and no matter what useful skills she’d taught her, Carewyn just couldn’t believe in Rakepick. Her whole world had fallen apart when Jacob vanished -- anyone who would keep information about her brother and what happened to him from her couldn’t possibly be trusted -- and anyone who dared try to manipulate and hold the high ground over her...Carewyn just couldn’t stomach.]

I will not relinquish control to her. Not ever.

[And yet, despite her mistrust of Rakepick and how convinced she was that she was solely out for herself...Carewyn just couldn’t make herself put Merula down. Even as the silence lengthened, she just couldn’t voice what she felt. Her eyes fell to the floor, away from Merula’s face.]

...Is she...really just like Bill...?

[She suddenly felt a pang of guilt for having been so blunt about not trusting Rakepick earlier.

Merula’s daring look faltered, giving way to confusion.]

Merula: “What?”

“Nothing.”

[Despite her murmured, offhand response, Carewyn couldn’t meet Merula’s eyes. Merula wasn’t buying it.]

Merula: “Now who’s being proud? Spit it out, Cromwell.”

[Carewyn’s eyes narrowed, but she still couldn’t raise her gaze.]

“I’m allowed to think, Merula.”

Maybe you should try it sometime.

[Forcing down this snippier addition, she swallowed before responding properly.]

“...I already told you I don’t trust Rakepick. But that’s my judgment, not yours. And...for what it’s worth...I know I can make mistakes -- I know I’m not perfect -- “

[Merula snorted disbelievingly, and Carewyn’s voice rose slightly.]

“I’m being serious! I don’t trust Rakepick, but you know why I play nice with her? Not just because of the Vaults and my brother -- but because of Bill. He looks up to her, like you do. Once Tulip told Bill that she thought that Rakepick was using him, and -- and I saw how much that hurt him. And as much as I don’t trust Rakepick...I know she means something to him. ...And to you. So...even if I have my own problems with Rakepick...I’m glad that she’s inspired you. I don’t really think you should rely too much on someone, at least more than you do on yourself...but I’m...I guess I’m sort of...happy for you, I guess.”

[The words felt very weird coming out of her mouth, like she’d been hexed to belch slugs.

Merula looked just as surprised. Her face was faintly flushed and soon her eyes were drifting away too.]

Merula: “...That’s...uh... I’m...thanks.”

[Merula and Carewyn both raised their heads, their eyes meeting again at last. Merula found herself smiling slightly.]

Merula: “...Heh...you know, though -- for someone who hates Rakepick so much, you sure sounded like her, for a minute.”

[Carewyn gave a start.]

“What?”

How? I thought I sounded like I was babbling...

Merula: “Saying you shouldn’t rely on someone else more than you do on yourself -- that’s exactly what Rakepick says. Or at least, that’s what she says to her favorite students...”

[Merula’s usual swagger returned as she smirked broadly.]

Merula: “Speaking of which...I still need to school you, then, don’t I?”

[Not liking the thought of remaining in the cold discomfort she’d been stewing in any longer, Carewyn was happy to change the subject.]

“Yes. What’s on the agenda?”

[Carewyn felt like she’d been punched right in the gut.]

“What?!”

Merula: “It’s not like I’m going to cast it on you, Cromwell -- I’m just going to teach it to you.”

[Merula’s dry reaction only served to make Carewyn more upset.]

“No! I would never use an Unforgivable Curse, I don’t need to learn it -- and I don’t need to see it, either!”

[The memory of Rakepick torturing the man in Knockturn Alley made her quickly add that as well. She didn’t want to have to watch anything get killed...the torture and Rakepick’s absolute lack of shame about it had been awful enough...

Merula’s face contorted with frustration.]

Merula: “But what if we need it in the Cursed Vault? You keep telling me how dangerous it’ll be in there!”

[Carewyn’s eyes flashed.]

“I don’t care! There are always other spells than those. There are always other ways to win -- better ways!”

Rakepick knew Merula was going to teach me this -- even after I told her I would never use the Cruciatus Curse, even after I made it clear how cruel and disgusting she was to -- ?!

[The thought boiled hot inside of her. Carewyn turned her back on Merula, clenching the handle of her wand at her side furiously.]

“I told Rakepick I had no interest in learning the Cruciatus Curse, and the same stands for the other two Unforgivables. I will NEVER use them -- never.”

I said it, and I meant it, Rakepick, you...

[Merula’s question startled Carewyn out of her angry thoughts.]

Merula: “She wanted to teach you that curse...instead of me?”

[Carewyn turned back around. Merula suddenly looked so...upset...

Guilt prickled at Carewyn’s insides, but she just couldn’t console Merula -- she was still too steamed up. Instead her blue eyes shot daggers at the floor.]

“It’s not a lesson you would’ve wanted, Merula. It’s not a lesson I wanted, or anyone should want. Rakepick tortured a complete stranger, just for a demonstration -- the man was in so much pain that he couldn’t even talk after Rakepick was finished...”

[Carewyn felt her wand hand shaking at her side, and she clenched her fist a bit tighter in an attempt to steady it.]

“It was...horrible.”

[Merula didn’t seem particularly comforted by this: instead she looked a bit cross.]

Merula: “You’ve got to be able to defend yourself somehow. That’s why my parents taught me the Killing Curse in the first place, so I could protect myself.”

[Carewyn had never heard much about Merula’s parents, or much about her home life at all -- but hearing that...]

“...How could they teach you something like that?”

[Merula glared back fiercely.]

Merula: “You want to judge my family? Let’s talk about your brother -- reckon there’s a lot to be said about h -- “

“I’m not judging anything!”

[That was a blatant lie. But Carewyn didn’t want to hear a word out of Merula’s mouth about Jacob -- she wasn’t sure her temper would’ve been able to take it.]

“I’m just...surprised that any parent would teach their child something like that. I mean, my mum, she told us about the Killing Curse, but she taught us the history of it -- how many people it’s hurt -- not...how to use it...”

Merula: “Yeah, well, your mummy wasn’t going to prison, now was she? Mum and Dad wanted to arm me with the knowledge to protect myself. Just like I’m sure Rakepick was trying to, when she tried to teach you the Cruciatus Curse -- I still can’t believe you turned down a lesson from her. Perhaps if I spend more time with Rakepick, she’ll think of me first when she wants to teach a curse...”

[Carewyn wanted to hex Merula. She really did. But she conjured up Snape in her mind and tried to control her emotions.]

Detach -- forget -- detach --

“Don’t take it so personally, Merula.”

[Carewyn pursed her lips and nodded.]

“As long as it’s not an Unforgivable Curse.”

[Merula glanced around the room thoughtfully.]

Merula: “Well, since we could be facing a dragon...”

[This time Merula’s proposition felt like a frying pan to Carewyn’s head.]

“Fiendfyre in here!? Are you daft?!”

Merula: “It’s not Unforgivable! Merlin, Cromwell, you’re way too hard to please, you know that?”

“Even Rakepick said that Fiendfyre is really advanced Dark Magic! The Death Eaters used to use it to torch Muggle neighborhoods!”

Merula: “It’s risky and brave! I know Rakepick wouldn’t be afraid to use it -- ”

[Merula shot out her arm, aiming her wand at a book set up at the podium near Rakepick’s desk.]

“Merula, DON’T -- !”

[But it was too late: a tiny flame had been set onto the book. At first, it stayed quite still, and Merula grinned proudly. Mere seconds later, however, the flame spread, until it suddenly had engulfed the entire podium.]

Merula: “That shouldn’t happen! Something’s gone wrong!”

[Carewyn’s face blanched as she struggled to think of something. Fire -- fire -- they needed water -- ]

“...Aguamenti! We haven’t studied it yet...did you read ahead?”

Merula: “No! Oh, I’ve botched this up -- what should we do?”

Rowan -- or Ben, maybe they’d have read ahead on the spell! Or Bill! Bill would know it -- !

[Fortunately before Carewyn had to bolt out the door in an attempt to look for any of the others, Rakepick swept into the room. Within seconds, she’d crossed to the front of the class, pointed her wand at the flames, and extinguished them.

Carewyn froze stock-still as Rakepick turned to face both her and Merula with a critical eye.]

Rakepick: “Fiendfyre can’t be extinguished with ordinary water. Even your ‘misfire’ would be far too powerful.”

Merula: “Professor Rakepick! Thank you, I -- I don’t know what I did wrong -- “

Besides casting that stupid curse indoors in the first place?

[Carewyn didn’t articulate that mean thought -- but Rakepick did.]

Rakepick: “Let’s start with even attempting to cast a bewitched fire in my very flammable classroom.”

[Merula’s shoulders fell visibly. As cross as Carewyn was with Merula and as much as she thought she deserved to be scolded, she wasn’t very happy about Rakepick articulating her thoughts out loud so well.]

Rakepick: “It’s merely fortunate that I stopped by to see how your lesson is going. Did you find a bug or a small rodent -- something to kill?”

[Merula bowed her head, looking ashamed.]

Merula: “...Cromwell didn’t want to learn the Killing Curse...”

Rakepick: “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

[Carewyn felt her eyes narrowing coldly when Rakepick turned her gaze to her.]

“I’ll say I’m surprised -- that you encouraged it. I think I already made my position on the Unforgivable Curses quite clear.”

[Rakepick’s eyes bore into Carewyn’s critically, but Carewyn for the life of her could not pin down the emotion behind that look. Carewyn mentally cursed Rakepick’s talent for Occlumency once again.]

Rakepick: “I thought to give you the opportunity to learn something you could use, Miss Cromwell. But regardless -- I hope you two are prepared to enter the Cursed Vault. The time is near. I’ll let the both of you and Bill know exactly when -- for now, I’ll tend to this mess...”

[Merula looked from the burned podium to up at Rakepick guiltily.]

[Merula was visibly taken aback by Rakepick’s kindness.]

Merula: “Oh. All right.”

[Her face spread into a soft, comforted smile.]

Merula: “Thank you, Madam Rakepick.”

[Carewyn glanced at Rakepick’s kinder expression out the corner of her eye, and then at Merula. The exchange made Carewyn’s insides writhe unpleasantly, and she had to look away.]

Merula trusts Rakepick so much...how can she trust someone who’s able to do such terrible things -- who so clearly doesn’t trust anyone -- ?

[Merula’s voice returned to Carewn’s mind.

“Saying you shouldn’t rely on someone else more than you do on yourself -- that’s exactly what Rakepick says.”

Rakepick had said that you shouldn’t trust anyone...hadn’t she...?]

It’s not the same thing! When I said that, I meant -- you can’t just rely on someone, no matter what -- even if you love them, even if you care -- even if they rely on you, even if they can always rely on you, you can’t...you can’t depend on them...because they could vanish -- and then you --

[The memory of her and her mother huddled together on the floor, unable to fight back uncontrollable, grieving sobs rippled over her mind and Carewyn shut her eyes tight.]

Detach -- forget -- detach --

Rakepick: “Aren’t you both late to lunch?”

[Carewyn’s eyes bolted open as her head shot up. Rakepick had returned her gaze to the red-haired Slytherin.]

Rakepick: “I need you to take good care of yourselves, if we’re to be a strong team in the Vault.”

[Was her gaze...actually a bit softer than normal?

Carewyn forced the emotion from her face.]

“...I suppose so.”

I’d better be wrong about you, Rakepick -- for Bill and Merula’s sake...you’d better prove me wrong...

[Forcing down her tempest-like emotions as best as she was able, Carewyn turned on her heel and stridently headed out of the classroom.]

“Come on, Merula. Let’s head to the Great Hall.”

(OOC: Whew! Another long one! And shoot, Merula, have you actually started the wheels of Carewyn’s character development already, before the Portrait Vault?? Dang...

And once again, yes, I will never hesitate to write in stuff that makes you wonder if Rakeprick Rakepick actually cares about these kids. I like my villains with a side serving of moral grayness, please. <3)

#carewyn cromwell #roleplaying #gameplay #jacob's sibling #hphm #hogwarts mystery #merula snyde #patricia rakepick #jacob #jacob cromwell #rowan khanna #ben copper #bill weasley #tulip karasu

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percabeth4life · 4 years

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Three Old Ladies Knit Socks of Death

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I’m really glad that I have a clue as to what happened, even if the constant buzzing surrounding everyone is driving me nuts.

Someone cast a spell of some sort to trick everyone into thinking that Ms. Dodds never existed. The buzzing kept trying to affect me, but it couldn’t get me through my Purifying powers.

Thank Pontus for those.

But the buzzing is very, very, very, annoying.

One important thing I noticed was that Grover didn’t have any buzzing around him, which means that he is fully aware of Ms. Dodds. That and the fact that he’s a horrible liar.

Mr. Brunner’s buzzing didn’t lower at all, but nor did it raise.

I think he’s the source of the buzzing honestly, still not sure if he’s safe. He hasn’t asked for the pen that’s a sword that’s a pen back.

But everyone is denying that Ms. Dodds exists.

…

I may or may not be using it as practice for my purification powers.

…

It seems like a good idea (and keeps my mind off of…)

OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO

Okay so one person had to go to the nurses office cause I managed to get rid of the buzzing around her with my purifying powers, and whoops…

Apparently, mortals can’t handle that.

Everyone is saying she had a psychotic break yelling about a Ms. Dodds and how she definitely exists…

So, I’ve decided that I should not test my purification powers on helpless mortals.

Katara would be ashamed of me for testing my powers like that.

I’ve also decided to rewatch Avatar: The Last Airbender for the twenty-fourth time.

Don’t judge me, it’s a great show and my teacher for waterbending!

And maybe I’ll see more about healing with waterbending, I can’t remember all the details and I need a way to learn without hurting myself first.

Purification is still cooler, but healing will definitely be helpful in the future. Besides, it’s practically a signature move for Katara, the whole world would’ve ended in the show if it weren’t for her healing abilities.

OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO

Carl was excited for my experiments with the water holder, I was messing with some ice and ignoring the growing sense of doom that was coming as exams got closer.

Triton would be disappointed in me for not paying attention to my lessons now, but I can’t help it.

It’s so hard to focus when you’re trying not to focus on the fact that you killed someone, sure she was a fury, but she had feelings and stuff too.

I shook my head, nope nope nope, not thinking about that right now.

Work on the magic portable ice fish tank.

I sighed, fiddling with the ice to twist it into the right shape.

I’ll need to add the runes-

“Percy!”

I made the ice shatter into a thousand tiny pieces and melt and nearly fell off the bed.

…

“You okay man?”

I nodded, pushing myself up and pretending like my face wasn’t on fire.

“I’m fine.”

“What were you doing anyways?”

Uh…

“I was trying to do a palm reading on my hands.” Nailed it.

“Baa-ha-ha, you do palm readings?”

“No, but I thought I’d give it a shot. I was trying to see if I could pass my exams.”

“If you study you might,” Grover bleated out.

I sniffed, raising my nose and hiding a smile, “Studying is for the weak!” I declared grandly.

Grover laughed.

OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO

I opened my eyes to an unfamiliar view, fields with misty figures as far as the eye could see.

I frowned.

Where am I?

I wandered forward, waving a hand in the face of one of the figures. They didn’t react.

Yep definitely a dream.

Now I just have to figure out where I am.

I probably should’ve gotten around to reading up on prophetic dreaming like probably dad Oceanus mentioned one of those times I was there, but I got distracted.

I wandered the fields, looking around in confusion, this place was very unfamiliar.

Except, a feeling of familiarity clung to me from one direction, so I started that way.

It felt like a low burn edging my senses, I’m not sure where I felt it before, I don’t really remember this feeling.

The sound of leathery wings made me look up, my eyes widening at the three figures.

Hades’s furies.

I suddenly realized where I was.

The itch of a curse made me want to scratch my arms. But looking up, Ms. Dodds, one of the furies, is alive.

It was like I could breathe for the first time in weeks.

I didn’t just kill someone who could think and breathe and feel like us.

I almost felt like sitting down right there, I let out a breath and held back the tears.

Thank Pontus.

I woke up

OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO

I practiced my Ocarina more, sitting next to some of the plants Grover has and settling the music book in front of me to try one of the basic tricks. Growing plants.

Technically it’s supposed to be done with coral and sea grass and other undersea plants, but I don’t have those. So, I just have to make due with the plants that Grover has.

Grover came in while I was mid-song, but I ignored him, the plant seems a bit brighter, just a little taller.

I smiled, it’s going alright.

Not as much as it should be, but it’s certainly improving.

OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO

School was itching at my nerves. The constant buzzing was driving me up a wall and I was snapping quicker at people instead of doing it the smart way like Triton taught me.

I watched more Avatar and tried to resist the urge to break something.

I have no outlet, I can’t go practice my waterbending, I can’t talk to Triton, I only have Carl who just plain doesn’t understand.

School studies are getting harder and harder for me to do.

I could handle Pre-Calc thanks to all of Triton’s help in the past, and Latin wasn’t that hard either (why is every language but English easier? Should I try learning Spanish or French?), but otherwise… I kind of just gave up.

The buzzing stayed in the back of my head.

I threw myself into my books from Triton, devouring the information on Siren’s Song that I had been ignoring so far.

I practiced my Ocarina and paid attention to my clubs again some. Triton said they were good for me.

The buzzing filled the rooms when there was even a moment of silence.

I ended up kicked out of Model UN because of my lowering grades but music club had pity on me.

I practiced more.

The buzzing didn’t stop.

I snapped at a teacher one time too many, I’m not welcome back at the school next year.

What an underwhelming way to get kicked out this time.

The buzzing was unrelenting.

OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO

I’m really glad for my starglobe. I’ve just been sitting here staring at it for the last hour.

Grover keeps giving me weird looks, but… It’s just sparkly and pretty and reminds me of Triton. It reminds me of the sea that one time my mom let me “sleepover” at a friends house. I got to see the stars from the sea and it was amazing.

“Did you know your eyes change colors?”

I looked up at Grover.

“What?”

“Well, they’re normally this sharp green, like, sea green, but you’re looking at your sparkly snowglobe and your eyes just turn like, silver-gray?”

I blinked, “Do they?”

“Yeah, I mean it’s cool.”

“Hmm, I guess I get it from my mom, her’s do the same thing.”

OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO

It was the night before my Latin exam.

As much as I don’t trust Mr. Brunner, I just couldn’t figure out this one translation, and I lost the answer key.

Ugh.

I decided to go ask him, at least he would know I was trying. As long as he didn’t like, try to kill me or something, it’d be fine!

…

Hopefully I didn’t just jinx myself.

OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO

I was almost to the door to his office, but something was off.

I stopped, realization hitting.

The buzzing was quiet.

I was almost to his door, where the buzzing is usually very loud, and there was nothing.

I frowned, was he not there? But the light is on?

The door was ajar slightly, and I stepped closer, as quiet as I can be.

“… worried about Percy, sir.”

I stopped, tilting my head. That was Grover.

My heart sank, so I was right, he is working with Mr. Brunner.

“… alone this summer?” Grover questioned, “I mean, a Kindly One in the school! Now that we know for sure, and they know too-“

“We would only make matters worse by rushing him,” Mr. Brunner interrupted, “We need the boy to mature more.”

“But he may not have time. The summer solstice deadline-“

“Will have to be resolved without him, Grover. Let him enjoy his ignorance while he still can.”

“Sir he saw her…”

“His imagination,” Mr. Brunner insisted. “The Mist over the students and staff will be enough to convince him of that. He may still have the pen, but the Mist over it will stop him from realizing.”

“Sir, I… I can’t fail in my duties again.” Grover’s voice was choked with emotion. “You know what that would mean.”

“You haven’t failed, Grover,” Mr. Brunner soothed. “I should have seen her for what she was. Now let’s just worry about keeping Percy-“

I shifted back, a small creak of my rubber shoe bottom on the linoleum floors echoes through the halls.

Mr. Brunner went silent.

I slipped back, seeing a shadow of something larger than Mr. Brunner in a wheelchair pass the lighted glass. It was holding an archer’s bow.

I moved, sliding into the first door I could find and pressed against the wall by the door.

I could fight if I needed too, my trident charm in hand, but… I need time to process.

A shadow went past, clop-clop-clop passing by. Like muffled hoof beats.

A large shadow paused by the window.

Mr. Brunner spoke, “Nothing, my nerves haven’t been right since the winter solstice.”

“Mine neither,” Grover said. “But I could have sworn…”

“Go back to the dorm,” Mr. Brunner told him. “You’ve got a long day of exams tomorrow.”

“Don’t remind me.”

The lights went out in Mr. Brunner’s office.

I waited there, going through what I just learned.

They’re worried about me, whether about my health of something else to do with me…

The buzzing is probably this Mist that he talked about, I’m not sure what that is, a spell of some kind I suppose. When I can talk to Triton again I’ll ask. Maybe it’s a land magic?

Mr. Brunner, whoever he is, has no idea that I know about gods and mythical beings and the like. I can use that to my advantage if he is actually a threat.

They know about the winter solstice mess, all I know is that there’s been a theft.

I frowned, are they blaming me too? And what’s this about a summer solstice deadline? That sounds bad.

Why do they need me to mature more? What do they need to worry about keeping me from? What’s going on?

One thing I’m sure of, Mr. Brunner is definitely not human. Some human animal crossover based on the sounds I heard. Horse half? Centaur? That’s the best I’ve got right now. I’ll look into it more later.

I stood in the dark waiting.

Grover is working with him though.

My chest hurt, could I trust Grover? Was he just going to attack me? Try to hurt me?

I want Triton, I want Triton so badly. He would know what to do.

But I can’t. Triton said not to contact him until things calmed down.

Based on Grover and Mr. Brunner, things are definitely not calm.

I stood in the dark.

OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO

I returned to my room when I calmed, nodding to Grover and settling back down with my notes.

“Hey,” He said, bleary-eyed. “You gonna be ready for this test?”

I glanced over, trying to bury any emotions, Triton had said that Grover might have empathic abilities and I can’t let him know what I’m feeling.

I forced a smile, “Yeah, I’ll be fine.” I faked a yawn, “I think I’m gonna go to bed now though. Too tired to get much more done.”

And I am tired, I’m so tired of being here.

I just want to go home, see my mom, hug her, talk to Triton.

I want to be back in the still dirty (but much improved) river and cleaning it and talking to the fish and other sea animals.

I want to go to events with Triton and talk to my merfolk friends and trade notes on our powers.

I don’t want to be here wondering if my friend is going to betray me and attack me. I don’t want to wonder if my teacher is going to try to hurt me.

I just want home.

OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO

Honestly, I fell asleep trying not to cry, so when I woke up in my probable dad’s palace, hidden in an alcove, I kinda burst into tears.

It’s like my dreams are trying to comfort me.

I curled up and cried, this year sucks.

Everything first semester was bad, but since the solstice I’ve been so alone.

Everything aches I just want to see Triton, to talk to my friends, to not be so utterly alone.

I can’t trust Grover, I can’t trust Mr. Brunner, I certainly can’t trust any of the other students in the school.

“Oh dear…”

Soothing curls wrapped around me, banishing the cold currents that felt so like my probable dad’s palace.

A hand was on my back, I couldn’t really see through the tears though.

“Hush now little Half-Blood, it’s alright.”

I took a few minutes to calm my breathing, to stop the tears, the unknown person whispering soothing words the whole time.

When I could finally look at them, I finally saw the Titaness Tethys.

…

Oh no, don’t tell me I just cried like an idiot in front of my probable dad’s wife.

I want to curl up and die, why me.

She settled next to me in the alcove, her hand still rubbing my back, “Are you feeling better?”

I swallowed, nodding.

“Yes Tethys-ran” I whispered.

Using the proper terms of respect are important. Ran is for queen, which she is, Ari would be for king.

She smiled at me, “There, that’s better. Let’s get you something to eat hmm?”

I nodded, letting her tug me out of the alcove.

“We still have only caught the beginning of your name little half-blood, starts with a P right?”

I flushed, “It’s Percy, Tethys-ran.”

“Ah, then a pleasure to meet you Percy-tou”

I flushed, tou is used for children regardless of gender, it’s basically calling them cute little one.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you to, Tethys-ran.”

She led me to the kitchens it seems. There’s a lot of noise as they work on making the food.

Her hand was still on my back, it was grounding.

“Do you have any favorites?”

She was looking at me.

“Oh uh, I like water chestnuts? And uh frozen Plumose? Um…”

She smiled, “Any meats?”

“… tuna?”

She nodded, nudging me forward as she spoke rapid Halmaheran.

“Get something -- him to eat, something on the --- end. And something -- snack on. And some --- if you --.”

I couldn’t catch everything that she said, unfortunately, but I’m pleased I caught as much as I did. She was talking really fast and had an accent I don’t know.

It took only a few minutes before she was ushering me out, a few bowls of food in her hands.

I ended up sitting with her in another alcove, nibbling on the snacks she got me. And sucking clean water from one of the plants, usually used for that purpose. Not like you can have cups with drinks underwater.

She let us eat quietly, her gaze on me.

I glanced at her, then looked away again.

“You seem to find yourself in our palace fairly often Percy-tou.”

I shifted, “I’m sorry, I don’t know why.”

She hummed, “It’s no fault of yours, though you should learn how to control your dream walking.”

I frowned, “Dream walking?”

She smiled, “That’s what this particular branch of prophetic dreaming is called, though the technical name is Hioipihaiho.”

I frowned, Halmaheran.

“You mind effectively leaves your body and travels to another place. It is different from Ahioimua, which is looking into the future of the place you are, Imuaireira, which is seeing the future or other places, Ahiomuri, which is seeing the past of your current location, and Amuritereira, seeing the past of another place.”

I wished I had my notebook to take notes.

“Dream walking is simply traveling, it’s the most common form of prophetic dreaming in Half-Bloods. None of them technically require dreaming, though it is the easiest way to receive the visions of the other forms.”

Okay that’s interesting, so I could do this awake… How would that work?

“Though slipping through the shields of our palace to prevent entrance from those trying to come is impressive. I’m very curious as to how you’ve done so accidentally.”

I chewed on one of the nuts in my snack bowl, “I don’t know, I just started showing up here.”

She nodded, “Well, it’s certainly interesting.”

It must be because Oceanus is my dad? Is this more evidence towards that? I have a lot of really solid evidence now.

I kinda want to say that I know, but I promised Triton I wouldn’t ask or talk about my immortal parent. It would interfere with my safety.

So, I kept my mouth shut and resisted the urge to tell her.

“What had you so upset? When you first arrived?”

I nibbled on one of the tuna pieces, “I uh… Just had a stressful week.”

I ducked my head.

“Oh? Anything in particular?”

“I have a lot of big tests, and found out a friend isn’t actually a friend…”

She hummed, “A sad thing to learn.”

“Yeah…”

She ran a hand through my hair, I peeked up.

She smiled, “Friends come and go like the tides, it is good to learn from your time with them, and they will leave a mark on you. But don’t let them hold you back or cling to what has passed. If they are not your friend accept that and move forward, else you will drown.”

I relaxed, she’s not wrong. Grover was apparently not really trying to be my friend, he was spying on me?

Regardless of what he was doing, I just have to accept it.

It hurts, but… it would be better for me to move on.

I nodded, “Thanks.”

“Well, I believe it is time for you to wake. I’ve already held you here longer than you should’ve been.”

She gathered our bowls and flicked away.

Almost immediately I felt the yank at me. Like a strong current tugging me away.

“Stay safe Percy-tou.”

Oh.

I woke up.

OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO

I finished the Latin exam.

I know that I messed up like half the grammar, but the translation to English wasn’t too hard, I could use context for some of the grammar, and I’m good at the word definitions so that was easy at least. The few history questions were annoying, but I didn’t struggle too badly.

The buzzing in my ear made it hard to focus though.

I think I managed a C? Maybe even a B if my guessing for the grammar was good enough.

I’ll just have to wait and see I guess.

I started to head out when Mr. Brunner called me back.

I swallowed back my fear that he found out about me overhearing him last night, he wouldn’t call me out for that in front of the class.

“Percy,” he said. “Don’t be discouraged about leaving Yancy. It’s… it’s for the best.”

My heart sank, I know that I can’t trust him, really, I do, but… I couldn’t help but like him as a teacher.

It hurt to hear him say that, in front of the whole class too.

The other students snickered, Nancy sent me a smug grin.

“Okay, sir.” I mumbled.

“I mean…” Mr. Brunner wheeled his chair back and forth, like he wasn’t sure what to say. “this isn’t the right place for you. It was only a matter of time.”

What does he mean by that?! That I’m destined to be kicked out? That despite the high standards he’s been holding me to he had zero faith in me? That he was going to insure I would be kicked out if it wasn’t something else?

“Right,” I whispered.

“No, no,” Mr. Brunner said. “Oh, confound it all. What I’m trying to say… you’re not normal, Percy. That’s-“

“Thanks,” I blurted, holding back my fear that he could know about my power, “Thanks a lot, sir, for reminding me.”

I bolted, hearing his call as I fled.

OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO

The last day of term had finally arrived.

I gathered up my notebooks, my waterskin, my assorted gifts from Triton and my friends, Carl in his new transportable tank, and carefully put everything up in my two bags, my waterskin on top. My suitcase held the extra and all of my clothes.

The other guys were talking about their plans for their breaks.

They’re all juvenile delinquents like me, kids that can’t manage it in other schools, but they’re rich ones.

Doesn’t mean I have to let them know that I’m not doing much unless Triton can contact me soon. I probably shouldn’t even go to the river until Triton gets ahold of me.

One of them asked what I was doing this summer.

“I’ll be visiting some of my friends overseas. I haven’t seen them since winter break.” I flashed them a bright smile that hid the ache in my chest as they questioned me more.

“Where do they live?”

“Oh, on some islands a bit out. They’re a bit spread out, so I’ll probably move around some.”

“That’s cool, looking forward to it?”

“Yeah,” I grinned, “They’re a lot of fun.”

They went back to talking about their trips but did leave an opening for me to join if I wanted.

I didn’t, they were all kind of jerks to Grover, but I appreciated it.

The only person that I was nervous about saying goodbye to was Grover. Even with Tethys’s advice, even knowing that he may try to harm me, it’s so hard to let it go.

Turns out I don’t have to yet though because he’s coming with me. We have tickets on the same Greyhound bus to Manhattan.

Seems suspicious.

OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO

Grover is clearly very nervous, glancing around and down the aisles, watching the passengers. It was similar to how he acted every time we left Yancy. I ducked my head and didn’t say anything about it.

“Hey Percy?”

I glanced at him, “Yeah?”

“I uh, I know that uh, that we’re going different ways this summer. But…. I thought, uh, here-“

He handed me a card, “Just take this, in case you need me this summer.”

I took the card, which is in the most obnoxious fancy script that took me a minute of squinting at to read.

Grover Underwood

Keeper

Half-Blood Hill

Long Island, New York

(800) 009-0009

My heart almost stopped, Half-Blood Hill.

What does this have to do with Half-Bloods?

“What’s Half-“

“Don’t say it aloud!” He yelped, “That’s my, um… summer address.”

I stared at him, is he trying to trick me into going into some sort of trap?

“Okay, so if I want to visit.”

“Or… or if you need me.” He nodded.

“Why would I need you?”

I couldn��t help the bitter words. How could I trust him after what I overheard the other day?

Grover blushed right down to his Adam’s apple. “Look, Percy, the truth is, I—I kind of have to protect you.”

I stared at him, the likely mythological being that I’m half convinced is supposed to be assassinating me.

“Grover, what exactly are you protecting me from?”

Could I have misunderstood?

Suddenly there was a huge grinding noise under our feet. Black smoke poured from the dashboard and the whole bus filled with a smell like rotten eggs. The driver cursed and limped the Greyhound over to the side of the highway.

After a few minutes clanking around in the engine compartment, the driver announced we’d all have to get off. Grover and I filed outside with everyone else, and my senses were on fire.

It was like a web of feeling, fabric flowing over me, almost sparking as it moved.

My head snapped around, on the other side of the road, across four lanes of asphalt shimmering with afternoon heat, was an old-fashioned fruit stand.

There, next to it in rocking chairs in the shade of a maple tree, sat three old ladies knitting the biggest pair of socks I’ve ever seen.

And those old ladies were... dangerous.

The energy I could tell was there, it was overloading my senses.

I couldn’t feel anything but the crackling fabric flowing over me.

The lady on the right knitted one of the socks, the lady on the left knitted the other. The lady in the middle held an enormous basket of electric-blue yarn that made me feel like a knife was pressed to my throat.

The combined feelings made me want to claw at my skin, what is this? Who are they? What’s going on?

The three ladies were looking right at me. I rubbed at my arms.

Grover made a strangled sound and I glanced at him. Just barely resisting bolting from the area.

“Grover?” I said. “Hey, man—”

“Tell me they’re not looking at you. They are, aren’t they?”

I swallowed, oh dear.

“Yeah, why?”

The lady in the middle took out a pair of scissors, massive scissors—gold and silver, long bladed, like shears. I heard Grover catch his breath.

“We’re getting on the bus,” he told me. “Come on.”

I stood still, staring at the old ladies with the scissors that made my head spin, their presence that made electric fabric rub at my skin, and their yarn that felt like knives prickling my neck.

“Come on!” He called, prying open the door and climbing inside.

The old ladies still watched me, and the middle one lifted the scissors.

I could hear the snip of her cutting the yarn from across all four lanes of traffic. Her two friends bundled up the electric-blue socks and I felt the at this point familiar buzz fill my head. The three ladies were gone between one blink and the next.

At the fear of the bus, the driver wrenched a big chunk of smoking metal out of the engine compartment. The bus shuddered, and the engine roared back to life.

The prickling of a knife, the electric fabric, the head spinning all faded, almost entirely gone.

The passengers cheered.

“Darn right!” yelled the driver. He slapped the bus with his hat. “Everybody back on board!”

We got back on, the buzzing still nudging me. I pushed my power as hard as I could, shoving the buzzing trying to reach me away.

Grover looked sick, I didn’t feel great myself, but the buzzing had faded almost entirely.

“Grover?”

“Yeah?”

I hesitated, should I? I want to know… I need to know if he’s actually a threat.

I licked my lips, “What are you not telling me?”

He dabbed his forehead with his shirt sleeve. “Percy, what did you see back at the fruit stand?”

“There were three old ladies, two knitting giant socks, one holding yarn. The one in the middle cut the yarn, then they left.

He closed his eyes and made a gesture with his fingers, one I recognized from my time with Triton. A symbol to ward of evil. With magic behind it, it can do small things. Otherwise it’s just a simple hand motion.

“You saw her snip the cord.”

“Yeah. So?” Who were those old ladies? Nothing has bothered my senses like them before.

“This is not happening,” Grover mumbled. He started chewing at his thumb. “I don’t want this to be like last time.”

I scowled, “What last time?”

“Always sixth grade. They never get past sixth.”

“Grover,” I snapped, because I just want answers! “What are you talking about?”

“Let me walk you home from the bus station. Promise me.”

I stared at him, there’s no way I’m letting him know where I live. I’m not endangering my mom like that.

“Sure.”

He continued to bemoan my fate, looking at me mournfully, like he was already picking the kind of flowers I’d like best on my coffin (Forget-me-nots so I can boss people around even when I’m dead).

#percy jackson #powerful percy #percy figures out how to control water young #percy calls himself a waterbender #waterbender percy #Avatar the legend of percy #avatar: the legend of percy #avatar fan percy #grover #Grover underwood #pjo #percy jackson fanfiction #pjo fanfiction #pjo fanfic #smart percy #strong percy

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wangothy · 4 years

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There is either a problem with me or the system. The system being the one that places my worth in letters or numbers, quantifying my existence into a few boxes on a document. I care more about the result than the process. My focus is centered so much on the finish lines that I no longer seem to have time for appreciating the learning for what it is. Assessment after assessment, sticking labels on me that do not represent what I might have to offer if someone stopped and asked me to show them my understanding, rather than having it written in black and white. Telling us words without teaching what they mean. Reading off a well-honed script, seeming to grow tired of something they once loved. The pain that I feel knowing that by the time I have dealt to the difficult task of getting myself out of bed and reminding myself why I should keep going I will only have time for the least enjoyable part of the course. The assessment. Pouring my energy into it yet taking hours to do something that should take me half as long as it does. The feeling of hopelessness that sinks into me each night before I sleep, knowing that tomorrow will be largely the same. Giving up on the next day before it has even begun. Those moments of joy when I can live in the excitement of learning something new, but having it taken away by the knowledge that I will be forced to regurgitate it until it runs acidic in my mind. Sitting at a screen, staring blankly, and tearing up the inside of my cheek while my face turns a feverish red. Repeatedly opening and closing my jaw and running my fingers through my hair until my scalp is raw, willing for something, anything to spark inside my brain and give me the energy to get the work done. Feeling guilty about eating and sleeping because instead I should be doing extra work to catch up because I am slow. Knowing that I know just as much as the others in my tutorials but not being able to get the words out in time. Crying and thinking how being dead does not seem so bad compared to a bad grade. Not being able to feel happy with anything less than perfect because I could have tried harder. I could have put in more time, more energy, foregone more sleep. Feeling as though I am a terrible person for wanting to enjoy things like reading a book or sitting in the sun for longer than fifteen minutes and not have to think of the work I have to get done. Feeling guilty for celebrating loved ones’ birthdays. Saying no to invitations because I am not feeling well. Planning to use this time to do work. Only if I do not do the work that is worse than the rest of the time, because the time was doubly wasted. Feeling horrible because I know that I have it easy with my relationships, my living situation, and the general privilege that I have. Yet I keep wanting to run away. Each time I hear how I could improve my work, a new piece of me is chipped away, despite the positivity. Every deadline looming like a man who will take away my loved ones. I know it does not matter that much. But knowing cannot seem to change the way I feel in these times. I cannot help but feel sorry for myself. Wretched, on the floor, inventing new ways to punish myself for not being enough. Thinking forward a few years and wondering if it would matter if I was gone. Not that I would ever do such a thing, life is too beautiful. But I always seem to find beauty right before I must go back to work. It is snatched from me by that voice that never goes away. It is telling me that I should be working. It never yells it me. It is calculating, creating a false sense of kindness so I can never be mad at it. It is always right. And in these times, sitting in the dark in my room, I can see that I am spiraling down and down. I am being carried along by the tide into a rip that my other self is not aware of. Thinking that if I can never be good in this one aspect of my life, none of the rest will hold any value. Thinking that I should go and sleep outside in the middle of winter, curling up on the concrete and bidding the stars farewell. But that would be wasting time. Time I could spend being productive. Every time feeling foolish for going into these moments, succumbing to my emotions, and wasting more valuable time. Time. Time. Time that I wish belonged to me. I have tried taking charge and it sometimes works. But it is so dangerous, the more I try the more volatile it becomes. Eventually when I collapse again, the fall is even further. And so there I lie at the bottom, waiting to knit myself back together enough to muster some energy to put to good use. Of course, the first thing that the energy goes into is guilt. The guilt that presses into the back of my neck just enough to remind me it is still there and in control. It has kept me prisoner for this long and it will continue to do so. The fear of failure is the only thing as powerful as the misery. It is only just enough to get myself to furiously scribble things down at the last minute. In these times I am bitter towards those I care about. The worst part is that I do not realise it. I cannot recognise the signs and because of this I deny it. I hurt others because I am too busy hating myself to see that I am being hateful to others. I am so sorry.

Unedited, written in 30 minutes on the evening of 10.05.2020

#was feelin exceptionally bad #tm #I felt the need to send it out into the world for some reason #personal

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thousandsunny · 7 years

Text

Summer's last sunflower.

Akutagawa in no way was a morning person the sun was too bright for his liking, usually making him hiss at the sunlight on more than one occasion, yet all the same he also looked forward to them. It’s looking forward to sparring with his other mentor, watching his rock-steady yet graceful movements, like cherry blossoms dancing in the wind. It’s watching the slight tilt of his head, the knit of his brows when giving advice. The blinding smile that plays at the redhead’s lips when he praises him. Akutagawa couldn’t understand why would Chuuya be doing this for him, he kept his extra medicine in his coat pocket, made sure he was eating and sleeping well, not off his rockers driving up the walls. All the little things that lit a fire in this dark heart of his.

The realisation hit him harder than Chuuya’s fist one day.

Akutagawa winced a little recovering from the blow when he looked up - dear god he wished he hadn’t - the sweat was trickling down Chuuya’s forehead, his copper locks were clinging to his face. His eyes narrowed in concentration that promised agony like no other while pupils dilated in passion burned like fire. It was the first time Akutagawa noticed how much his eyes reflected the beauty of deep oceans shinning under the sunrise. Red hue of his cheeks, laboured breathing and his glossy gaze sent Akutagawa’s heart thundering against his ribs. NO, no ,no . A faint blush creeped up Akutagawa’s face, which he covered using his hand trying to pass it off as cough. This isn’t real, this isn’t happening. ______________________________ Emotions show one’s vulnerability and frailty they are vile, disgusting thing that Akutagawa had abandoned when he was mere child or so he had surmised. Akutagawa was striding back and forth across the room with heavy footsteps, lost in thought about his latest predicament. When his rumination was broken by soft voice.

“Brother if you continue the floor is going to collapse.” Gin declared not looking up from the newspaper, she continued “ we just rebuilt the wall from when you tried to kill a spider using Rashomon. I rather spare myself the hassle of doing it again.”

“Well whose fault is that Miss. Assassin of darkness but can’t kill spiders for shit” with that he went back to his thoughts. It was when another deep sigh, that sounded awfully like a whine, escaped from his mouth for umpteenth time, Gin’s patience came undone, “If you are going to think about Atsushi-kun so much at least try to be discreet. Not that everyone doesn’t know already’’ she mused.

Akutagawa halted in his tracks throwing her the best death look he could muster,“ what do you mean? why would I be thinking about him?” he questioned.

Gin arched an eyebrow at her brother “ don’t you know, there is a betting pool going on between lower rank members on how long till you ask weretiger out” a small smile threatening to break out on her face.

Akutagawa opened his mouth, closed it a few times bearing an uncanny resemblance to a fish. He blinked twice finally processing the words he just heard. His expression morphed into something akin to abhorrence. “Jinko and me..me..me” dating was the word that he wanted to say, it sounded so wrong it refused to go past his lips, “Why would they even think that?”

Like the ever kind sister she was, she threw everything at back to his face “ in your battles you scream his name more than you hit him, you threaten to kill him than save him, while screaming his name may I add, you even let him wear Rashomon as if -”

“No..no..no…no, stop talking” Akutagawa shrieked, in horror at his sister’s words wondering what atrocity he had committed in past life to warrant this fate. “ It was all for the sake of the mission, gods know otherwise I won’t let anyone touch Rashomon” he bellowed .“ As for others I am going to skewer alive for insubordination, why Jinko of all people he is bane of my life, my adversary. He isn’t like Chuu-” words slipped his mouth even before he realised what he has done, regret soon flashed upon his face.

He inwardly groaned when Gin’s usually expressionless face lit up in pure amusement . “ Oh my god” newspaper slipped from her hands as if it were water ,the last of her words were followed by laughter.

“Gin, shut up” he has to fight down the colour from rising into his cheeks, he wanted nothing more than for earth to open and swallow him whole. He wished he was a Scooby-doo character so he could drop through a trapdoor in the floor to save himself from this embarrassment.

She clapped her hands together in joy “Is that why you been jittery all day because you a little girl’s crush on Nakahara-san” she let out another short laugh.

Well no shit, that’s just what I said.

Suddenly a serious look crossing her face “Damn it! I should have betted against Jinko”

“Oi…that’s what you are thinking!” Akutagawa said in disbelief “ if you going to be an idiot about do it somewhere away from me”

“I think you just tell him, I mean he already acts like a distressed wife, you might just make it official.” she said regaining her composure.

“What if it’s a mistake” he said “Maybe it’s a mistake, maybe it isn’t , maybe it’s Maybelline. Stop being so dramatic.” Gin rolled her eyes at her brother. Before her face broke into a far too amused smile. “Here , I googled some pick up lines for you they usually work” he took the phone from her and started reading “are you sure about this?” doubt seeping into his tone.

“Trust me, Nakahara-san is going to love them.” .He nodded, if only he had noticed the shit eating grin Gin was hiding behind the newspaper it would’ve saved him his dignity. _____________________________

“Yo, Akutagawa drink up” Chuuya said tossing a bottle of water towards him “ today’s session was good your footwork and speed have improved but-” Akutagawa couldn’t hear anything, all he saw was the movement of Chuuya’s lips the rest remained forgotten. “Oi, are you listening to me. Akutagawa you have been very distracted today, what’s up?” Chuuya’s tone was full of worry which made his treacherous heart beat even faster. He recalled all the lines from internet he had learned and now seemed like a good chance. “Chuuya-san, you will have to get me a new drink because I dropped mine when I saw you” he deadpanned, his voice steady as if he were reporting back from a mission.

Chuuya raised an eyebrow at him and tilted his head in confusion before throwing another bottle at him. “You are acting weird, well you are always weird but you are being weirder today”

Akutagawa cleared his throat “Chuuya-san,have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears? All he got was puzzled looks from other man as his eyes followed Akutagawa hand turning his pant pockets inside out and pointing to his crotch “Would you like to?” he asks but this time with a slight tremor in his voice and pink dusting his cheeks. All he had got in reply was a bottle crashing into the ground spilling water everywhere. Chuuya stood there gaping at him, too stunned to speak oddly resembling a stone statue. Akutagawa could feel his heart dropping into his stomach, he had made a mistake, Chuuya was going to abandon him, he is going to lose the last thing that kept him steady. Any other normal person would have apologised and confessed their true feelings. However Akutagawa was neither normal nor any other person so he did what he thought was best. He made a fucking run for it. Well ,tried,since he felt an invisible force yanking him backwards before he could reach the gates towards Chuuya. Fucking gravity. Akutagawa could feel the heat radiating like a hot pan he could have cooked a 3 course meal on his face. This was all Gin’s fault he would swear it till the day he dies.

“Akutagawa, explain” Chuuya demanded his voice stern and commanding. A frown replacing his earlier shock.

Akutagawa took a deep breath “ Chuuya-san, the only emotion I have felt since my birth is hatred. I spit on the world that denied me, the rage and resentment burned my soul and filled me with hate. It burned my heart until ashes were the only thing that remained. But, when-” his voice breaking a little he raises his hand to clutch at his chest “ you smile at me, care for me, I feel human again that there is still something left in me. And that human part of me loves you” he let out a shaky breath,refusing to lift his gaze from ground afraid of what he will in find in those eyes. Instead a felt a hand against his cheek. “Geez, you had me scared there for a moment. Why didn’t you say so in the first place. Ryuu” he sang his name against his skin before meeting their lips together. It wasn’t like Akutagawa had seen in movies messy, hurried or hungry. This was slow, tender and gentle their lips moved together like a sea song, it made warmth spread down to his chest and lift his heart up from where it had sunk that morning. The gesture had left no room for words, they weren’t needed, he knew he loved and was loved back.

Chuuya broke their kiss smiling at him softly “ Did you like it? I think you could use some training in this area as well” he mused a wry grin pulling at his lips.

“I agree, I think we should train often as possible” Akutagawa leaned down to kiss him again but as life would have a sneeze surged from his mouth covering Chuuya’s face in spit and banging there heads together, his lips meeting redheads nose instead. Chuuya step back rubbing then he was laughing. A belly deep mirth bubbling through his chest making him bend over, tears gathering at the corner of his eyes. The scenic view infront of Akutagaqa made his breath rush out, the fire kissed hair gleaming in rays of sunlight, eyes shining so brightly small part of Akutagawa wondered if he had his own sky inside of them.

Maybe sun wasn’t so bad after all.

____________________________________

This is the first fic I have written, I hope you enjoyed it. I blame @ariukoart for dragging me into this rarepair hell.

#nakahara chuuya #akutagawa ryunosuke #chuuaku #chuuaku fic #chuuaku week #my writing #chuuakuweek2017

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jayundergod-blog · 5 years

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Ultimate fear to me.

Say ive smoked some marijuana and im those thinker type when i smoke the chiba. Well suddenly im surrounded by only those bearing tone of demons prophane barbaroc behaviors. I dobt want to go to hell, and this fleshed out before my eyes is the nature of my worst fear. I am not only God Fearing, but damn nervous because Ive nearly awakened what I call the real me, an innervoice guiding. And i have begun eliminating distraction. I have cleared my thoughts and sight of many distractions. And have started to have a certain space for any almost all items under my use amd home. One thing that adds to another frustratoon os not remembering drawers or table or nooks random/common items did put that buisness card? Or it could just be a real pressue on moment and those 3 like mechanical reaches with your hands and ready to go in 5 seconds. I am comparing this new day 1 moment for me to Change from within. In order to make positive impact on future sitiations and various choices given, I have to jump way out of familiarity. I dont know how to make a friend where drugs and alcohol arent at least in the introductio. Its been over 20 years outside of my sponsor in an AA run since I have made any friends outaide of Getwasted Land. And its alnost like some of these people down here might be animated workers of a divine purpose. . Another reason my greatest fear revolves around Hell is Part A: my consistence in screwing up my life and Part B: randomly manipulating in or believing the reason for myaelf that My heart is attatched the right way, I believe God intended to place a mountain of pain shame and addiction and pride, occourances 1 after another saying put down the beer weed dream. Its not working. Test? bad test? CRASH collisions. wrecks.. Sexual imoralities that put me in only tighter, I like to think of as an irrational coat of shame. Switching schools over 20 times social bonding just seemed to naturally wade into the wastelabds. It was cool to say **** things, skip class and sneak a J. So still part B: reason for my greatest fear sometimes i worry my desire to fight evil with fire kind of mentality of a grey angel badass has to often and with any levels of sincerity been ... non supportive of God, and a compmete self failure. I am a highly successful failure. The tides of life had been decided to ensure have a livable income for life. All my lab blood tests come back good. Inspite of ludacrouis unprotected promiscuity and abusing chemicals alcohol included at very high danger quantities and lengths of time. To paranoid to bruah my teeth, and involved with the addict community they really do mess with my toothbrush when i let them know they can not live in my spare room area or you've got to go period. So the balance of pride and shame are big with me. Im simply putting it this way. I am very smart. Like, words don't automatically limit my perception and i discover ideas, inventions, ways to improve systems namely in buisnesses etc. But i believe i may have discovered a few awarnesses in the light of creation that had been considered. And i flow with innovation so much i didnt even write inventions down anymore. But im starting too now. I dont know if tbere is evil in my motives to understand, and my motive to protect the earth with my creative discoveries within the gift of life here. Glory all goes to God. And i feel pride and shame when i point something out like "this motivated by my naturally good heart amd my true self is a divine discovery. I am probably the first to say Ive beaten Lucifar hands down on 3 areas very simple. 1: there is guarenteed 1% of love within this entitty from the bible, And Lucifer is afraid of this within himself. He fears the capacity in his heart. Lucifer fears himself. And that tiny igmored reality of love is capable of seeking forgiveness and apologizing to his creator. Yea i could be nuts but 2: humans, generally any life form brought into light given the breath of life to seek the water of life, are conditioned, refined, we are born with lack of understanding and in time develop sincere amd forced pursuit of underatanding. I take it Lucifer just suddenly came into light an angel with uncomparable tangible working knowledge with math, music, stars, and whatever elae. Put Satan up against a regular devloped human and there is much to gain from the journey in being. Where satan just woke up with his bed made and an attitude similar to mine perhaps. "This can be better". Is where i stop the line. I assume God ridicule came from the statue with emotions and knowledge. Who should be a professilnal liar if he believes himself that his strength and power are not extensioms of God to begin with. Have to be a wicked bad liar to claim pride and ownership of anything whatsoever under the light. And finally 3 i feel im going to remember the 3rd way I checked the scariest guy in hell. But yeah no? assuming the story true, wouldnt the capacity in hiz heart be to close to deny and create fear and the most depressing "what am i going to wear today" moments? Before showing the tear in his eyes emotions. this waa a really long stretch of a first blog in life. Im considering Blog 2 to be straight down to the knit. My **** and my luster. None of you will likely know me so ill drop down my guard and even get into the pride/shame like. yes i was on that crack like they were infinity packs and the only translatable view to the edge lf my heart beyond the mountain God may have intended to be in my way. And yes for sure real sexual absurditiesn have been a matter if exploration and i found the most go to being ones least condoned like im straight but a few times on thjs other drug, the only reaskn the drug would be any jse to me if I went straight tranny freakazoid fk or even longer than 12 straight ( kind of) hours. I made a bjg ordeal of it too because i live in comparing to a waizt to shoulder hi body of water like fear. Im always nearly always in fear of something. Even if its just in a house all alone I am watching my tone and volume to not disturb the entity or embarrass myself. And theres usually a lot of BS running around my zone too. But anywhoo, scared of the SwaT teams and demons in a hotel, after the first usual 3 hours of eyes attatched to all directions i can notice without moving i said im going to max this **** out right here yeeaaaaa and i was doing poses for the potentials whoever stands at a second floor hotel window for 3 hours. You catch the drift. Sure part of the freaknicity invomved is mentally appealing. Im nkt going to lie. The flesh of a woman looking jedi equipped i mean has to be no sembalance of a male but thats neithr here nor anywhere for me because this isnt like, my hearts reach in any way. Since the last time i freaked off i encountered sexual encounter with an at the time friend lady and then almost a second time with the hottest coat rack breast formation i ever need to remember. Well she pulls out the money for intercourse part and now i am in not only great confliction but with a prepared spirit for the one of the highest priority lessons I could learn or be corrected on. And just then came a foundation of knowledge and vision. Flesh perveree barbaric using eachother like another drug or relieving some pain or just sheer addicted. Ive never had a time i can remember where there is something between us not being impprtant to me in the sack of awesome goods. If there is no relation there to me now more than ever, then jt is absolute perversive use of the flesh and body. I hope i dont get some effect of a born habbit and tranny zerg away my problem and enhanced self confliction. Hey that was mostly because damn new drug new coping mechanisim, and there are countless survielance vultures and sure there are good birds too but ive raised a lot of attention. I just let go on the FBI something about FBIs mom too. And maybe i just want the 3rd particles in good hands but I cant trust a comey supporting organization who are either ignoring the messed up bridge and back up the lies or they are beings without common sense. Plus some other group(s) i may or may not belong too. Im an expert **** up trying to move out of this world vast potential into a framing of the only way i see contributing chance to 5 generations from now to be atleast alive bearably. But no the world unison is buy what they say to buy no matter what healthier and bio friendly lower cost solutions are hidden from us. What would evolve in systems and technologies supressed by our ROTH oppressors fancy dress night club, is probably far beyond any imagination. But we want to say its cool ill stcik with gasine and everything else unto death. Whats a future generaton? I dont see blood on my hands yet. Not my problem. Or worst yet of the whe set is the sad existance of knowing that better is a controlled possibility removed from possibility by a few tactics to keep humans focused on other problems like, never never represent the problem with details about the CIA plane crash bringing cocain into america. Dont put on the news 24,311 bombs were dropped on other countries. Like is it 100s or thousands of oilline breaks per year? Either way they don't want you to see the pentagon lost 6.5 trlion bucks whoops . And tobaccoo being a substantial source of tax revenue. Whatever moneys not the problem here. Its how ks your FDA cool with 6000 known additves to a ciggrrate? and youre good with modified organism (gene manipulated plant life namely fruist and veggiesbyou can claim intellectual rights to tomatoes now by altering its DNA) that most consumers would lome the right to know but man its over with. Im either going to just die one day... Or I'm going to dye knowing i threw down a few sparks that reached a storm the ROTH associates will have to get stepping. Go buy your own planet or island of youre so obsessed with being king lizard man. Destroying the offspring futures chance of a liveable world and potential of decent m humanity instead of 10 billion people having to suddenly adjust with the last forseeable year with petro fuels or stop kilming the world. stop taking more grip over our societies industries and market lkke..... I know allegedly 90% media is slapped into air by atleast 1 out of just 6 mega corps. Sl is that lime our clothes are probably boiked up to ROTH brands? ummmm blog 1 i might S sell have gave an essay i worked on a year in the American college system at the podium with the XYZ or funny stain black shirt liike.... Yea l make this mire worth while and if it fails me or i fail i might even try a second blog life. But i realoze the value in these blogs being revved around free introduction to inventions. All the way up to a new style of buildings. lkke really hard to see as anything but futuristic, easier, and better in at least a few distinct ways. #1 perk of this technology given we are not on unlimited resource world but ements kf the housing structure are intact by such a way that it can be reutilized and ultimately there is potential for a no waste technology that reaches every door in the earth thats been done up the new way. Syria Afghanistan ans in general the countries that had devestated ways of lives of countless individual lkves of family members pretty much need to be rebuilt by this building technogy unseen. And the speed should be quicker as well. blog1 the ramble of death. the simplicity in taking base technology and enhancing them with personal and ho.e life is not only missing from our choices but unbelievable how eaay it would seem to accomplish the evidence of .mmm It only seems impossible because its not on tap at any restaurants we know. Partly why i have arranged a vision of my most hoped for life one without its core an office and a desk but one built from the potentials of imagination. Imagination being in part most crucial in expanding reality. Alright next one will be shorter sweet cut and dry. The facts in my peraonel history. ps im paranoid schizo like pretty much everything frim swat teams, demons, and ritualistic annual sacrifice held secretly in the depth expanse of a tunnelways descendance into reality where only one hope has life, that is Lord God mercy.

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