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lynfraser09 · 6 years

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Moving Forward

Title: Moving Forward

Rating: T

Word Count: 4,695

Fandom: Dear Evan Hansen

Pairings/Characters: Evan Hansen / Connor Murphy

Summary: AU Canon-divergent. Connor/Evan friendship. Connor gets a little bit of hope.

Notes: So I saw Dear Evan Hansen last week and I fell in love with everything about it. While the canon story was moving and broke my heart, I'm sure like most of you, I was also intrigued by the fake friendship between Evan and Connor and how it might have looked had it been real. This is my take at it and I hope it's good..To all my American readers, Happy Thanksgiving!

“Connor Murphy.”

The call of his name echoed around him and he rose begrudgingly to his feet.

He tried to keep his eyes forward, his jaw tensing as he felt the penetrating state of his classmates watching his every move.

The whispers, the quiet snickering as he passed...his hands twitched at his sides as he tried to keep himself calm and ignore them.

This seemed to be the longest walk of his life. He kept reminding himself it was all almost over.

He stopped in front of the principal and lifted his gaze to the man’s face.

For once in his whole high school career the principal looked at him not with disappointment but instead wore a small, proud smile.

“Congratulations.” He spoke genuinely, sincerely and with one hand he handed Connor a piece of paper that would set him free from at least one prison. With the other, he firmly grasped Connor’s hand.

“Thanks.” Connor muttered and withdrew his hand quickly as he squeezed his diploma tightly in the other.

There was a small about of applause - not the thunderous amount that his other classmates had received, not that Connor cared about any of that. Not that his peers’ attention even mattered.

The applause from the back of the crowd watching from the sides came mostly from his parents and Zoe. However the loudest applause drew his attention straight to it source.

Several rows in, Evan Hansen sat holding his own diploma, a dorky grin on his face as he clapped enthusiastically.

He shrunk only slightly in his seat when he finally realized his surrounding classmates had started to stare at him but continued to clap until the next name was called.

Connor couldn't stop the smile if he wanted to. It was a small smile, the barest hint of one but he ducked his head to his chest to hide it and the rush of heat to his cheeks. Hansen’s was the only opinion who really mattered anyway. It was due to Evan he even made it this far, after all.

He quickly, hurriedly shook the other staff member’s hands - teachers, school board members, whoever the hell they were - and returned to his seat, purposefully ignoring the looks from his classmates.

Instead he focused on finding the back of Evan’s head a few rows up. It was only a sea of blue caps and gowns, no kid distinguishing from the next. Then Evan turned around in his seat and grinned at him, lifting his diploma triumphantly.

The corners of Connor’s mouth twitched up and his hand lifted, his own diploma twitched up in return.

Evan held his gaze for a second longer and then turned back in his seat as the ceremony continued on.

Connor sighed and slunk down his chair. He fiddled absentmindedly with the edges of the paper, his eyes trained on the ground. He just wished the ceremony would be over already so he could finally be out of there.

Finally, after what seemed the never ending roll-call of the senior class, the principal gave one final last speech, announced his final congratulations and the crowd erupted in applause and cheers. His peers jumped to their feet, throwing their caps into the air in celebration.

Connor rolled his eyes, sinking further into his chair as he tried not to be trampled by his excited former classmates, trying to reach and hug each other.

He glared up as a burly jock, Ryan Morris, stepped on his foot in an attempt to climb over him to get to his friends.

Connor drew his long legs up to his chest in the small folding chair and silently observed the mayhem, wondering if he could just slip out without anyone seeing him.

“Nice job, Murphy!” He jumped and nearly growled as a hand clamped down hard on his shoulder.

Jared Kleinman leaned down with a shit eating grin. “Never thought you'd actually do it.”

“Shove off, Kleinman.” Connor hissed, ripping himself out of his grasp as he shot to his feet.

He nearly tore at the ridiculous gown to get it off of him and threw it to his chair.

Jared never really became less irritating, though he was slightly less insulting as Connor grew closer to Evan.

Connor also became less insulting - mostly...to some people.

Jared was an ass and Connor couldn't stand him but for some God forsaken reason, Evan liked him. He begrudgingly accepted Jared’s presence as an annoying condition of Evan’s friendship.

Connor hoped that at least that school was over he wouldn't be around as much. The kid was smart - got into a good school and would be gone come late August. Unlike him, which was... whatever.

No one believed he would actually do it - graduate. No one thought he was good enough.

No one except…

“Here comes your boyfriend.” Jared waggled his brow and motioned over Connor’s shoulder.

Connor glared at him but turned around.

As Evan made his way towards him, awkwardly pushing his way through the crowds of people, Connor felt the negativity slowly start to melt away.

There was something about Evan Hansen that made the edges of darkness fall away from his mind. Despite his friend’s own tormented soul and anxiety ridden thoughts, Evan exuded light and what to Connor was the only joy he had ever known.

Connor’s lips twitched as two boys ran into Evan and Evan stumbled on his feet and started profusely apologizing to the boys who didn't even seem to notice him.

Evan stilled, his brow furrowed, his diploma clutched to his chest as the boys ran off without so much as an acknowledgment to the person they nearly bowled over.

For the briefest of moments Connor felt the sharp stir of rage in his belly. He wasn't sure when it had happened but he had become fiercely protective of Evan. Evan had trouble standing up for himself. Connor had no trouble telling assholoes where they could stick it. He always wondered when people insulting Evan made him angrier than anything anyone could say to him.

Well hell, he knew he was a freak and a loser. He knew everything they said about him was true but Evan...no, Evan was good. Full of pain and hurt and anxiety but good.

Evan shook his head, his face relaxing and the smile returned to his lips as he looked back in Connor’s direction.

The anger slowly melted away and Connor’s face softened as Evan continued to approach him.

When he was a few feet away, Connor held out his hand to stop him and Evan froze, the smile slipping from his face.

Connor smirked at him, reassuring and twitched his head to an empty spot on the field in the opposite direction of the crowd.

“Don’t.” Connor snapped harshly to Jared who moved to follow.

Jared raised an eyebrow, a knowing smirk on his lips. “Like I'd want to join your little orgy on the field anyway.”

Connor ignored the comment, snatched his diploma off the chair, leaving the gown behind as he stalked away from Jared and the crowd.

The crowd which probably contained his parents and Zoe trying to find him and Evan’s mother trying to find him. They could wait and they would as far as he was concerned.

He needed to get away from those people, the suffocating crowd of people who didn’t give a shit, and he knew so did Evan.

He and Evan, the outcasts, the losers...but not to each other.

He heard Evan greet Jared, stuttering as he offered him congratulations. Jared snorted and made another suggestive comment. Connor swore that boy spoke in nothing but sexual innuendos.

Connor walked until he was a good distance away from the crowd.

He stared up at the sky, clear and bright and blue - a perfect summer afternoon.

There was only a gentle breeze to cool the stifling heat. It rustled the hair around his shoulders and he closed his eyes, drowning out the noise of the crowd.

He felt Evan arrive more than heard him. He could always sense when Evan was near - he brought a warmth with him.

“Hey!” Evan’s voice was loud and cheerful behind him. With his back to him, Connor smiled.

“A-are you alright?” Evan asked after a long beat of silence and Connor could hear the tension in his voice.

He finally turned around, meeting Evan’s concerned, hesitant gaze.

He shrugged and lifted his diploma, wagging it in the air lazily. “We are finally free of this hell hole.”

Evan’s face relaxed and he laughed, shortly, nervously. “Y-yeah.”

Connor turned around fully to face him, narrowing his eyes.. “Don’t tell me you actually liked this place…”

“No!” Evan quickly snapped and shook his head fervently. “N-no, I don’t…I didn’t. It was...well...just, no.”

Connor grunted, nodding his head curtly with a small smirk. “Good...didn’t want to think you’d lost your mind all together.”

Evan smiled weakly. “No, I’m glad it's over.” He said quietly, voice full of a mixture of relief and melancholy, and absent-mindedly rubbed at his left wrist and Connor followed the motion. His stomach twisted at the memory of that first day of senior year - and all that had followed.

“Me too.” Connor muttered, his brow furrowing as he stared distantly at Evan’s wrist.

His fingers tightened around the diploma in his hands and the crinkling of the paper pulled him out of any possible destructive path his mind was going to attempt to lead him on. He lifted his head and laughed bitterly. “I mean...can you believe it?” He motioned at the paper in his hands.

Evan tilted his head and gave him a warm, genuine smile. “Yes, I can, actually. I, ah….I’m really proud of you, Connor.”

Connor blinked at him, his chest tightening at the phrase, one that Connor so rarely heard directed towards him. His heart climbed into his throat as a surge of unfamiliar emotion swelled and kept him from speaking.

Even at his silence, which combined with his intense stare usually made people turn and run, like he was a fuse about to blow, Evan only continued to smile at him, his eyes shining with the honest affection that matched his words.

Finally, Connor choked out a cough and broke eye contact as he turned his head. “Right, okay…”

“N-no, I am!” Evan leaned in towards him imploringly and Connor glanced back at him, raising his brow at Evan’s outstretched arms.

“You’re not gonna hug me, are you, Hansen?”

Evan quickly snapped up straight, his arms pressing tight to his sides as a delightful pink flush dusted his cheeks. “W-what? No...no, I’m not gonna…” He laughed nervously. “I wouldn’t, I mean unless you wanted…” He trailed off as Connor continued to stare silently at him and only flushed further at his smirk.

Connor snickered quietly under his breath and turned his head to look forward but shifted his weight that much closer towards Evan.

Evan shifted nervously, fiddling with his gown for a few more silent seconds and then slowly relaxed and settled in to stand beside Connor, following his gaze towards the string of houses in the neighborhood behind the school.

“For what it's worth…” Connor started a few moments later with a light shrug, keeping his eyes forward, “I guess I’m proud of you too.”

He could practically feel Evan beaming beside him and the other boy kicked lightly at the grass. “Thanks. A-and...its worth a lot, by the way. Your opinion, I mean...it...means a lot.”

Connor slowly turned his head, a smart-mouthed comment brewing on his tongue, one that would not only insult himself but somehow also insult Evan, so he held it back. But finding the right thing to say was...difficult, not without either sounding insulting or baring his heart and actually revealing how touched he was that his opinion mattered to someone.

Evan cleared his throat loudly, twisting his hands together and Connor deflated in relief - once again Evan had saved him. This time from saying anything stupid.

“My uh...my mom is going t-to make dinner...for me, y’know to celebrate…” Evan waved his hand in the air, motioning to the field set up for their graduation. “You can come if you want to…”

Evan looked at him with such hopeful eyes that Connor’s heart lurched and he pushed down the warm feeling bubbling up inside - happiness? - no matter how many times Evan invited him anywhere, he still would get that feeling. That good feeling that someone actually wanted him around.

Evan laughed nervously and looked at the ground, shuffling his feet. “I know it's kinda stupid...a-a silly thing, so you don't have to..”

“Evan.” Connor cut him off sharply but made sure to keep his voice soft. Evan looked up hopefully and Connor gave him a small smile.

“I want to. Thanks.”

Evan broke into a grin and nodded quickly and stopped fiddling with the edges of his gown.

“Cool! Cool. So...I will see you later? It will be at my house, heh, obviously but um...you can come around five, I guess?”

Connor nodded. “Sure, see you at five.”

Evan’s eyes suddenly widened. “But I mean...what about… I mean.. are you...doing anything with your family?”

Connor scoffed and shrugged. “I don't know. Doesn't matter...I would rather be with you, anyway.”

Evan continued to stare at him wide eyed but there was a sudden light in his eyes that accompanied a brilliant grin. Connor was always a little bit baffled when Evan smiled at him like that - when he, failure, loser Connor Murphy, could make someone else smile like he actually mattered to them.

So he smiled back, because how could he not?

“Awesome….awesome.” Evan laughed. “Okay...I better go now, I think my Mom is waiting…” He looked over his shoulder back towards the crowd.

Connor nodded silently but as Evan turned to walk away, Connor felt a sudden tightness in his chest, something urging him forward.

“Hey, Hansen!”

Evan stopped and whirled around, brows raising expectantly. “Yeah?”

Without a word, Connor took a big step towards him, grabbed a hold of Evan’s shoulder and then tugged the other boy against him.

Evan stumbled on his feet at the force, grunted as he hit Connor’s chest and then froze against him.

Connor wrapped his arms around him, slow and hesitant at first, then he tightened his hold, clutching Evan to him.

Evan’s hands hesitated at his sides but then he relaxed and slung his arms around Connor, clutching tightly onto the back of his hoodie.

As Connor closed his eyes and ducked his head, his nose brushing Evan’s shoulder, he could feel Evan’s smile against his head.

The hug ended as soon as it began and Connor lifted his head and he found Evan beaming at him.

“W-what was that for?”

Connor shrugged. “I don't know just...whatever. All of this.”

Evan blinked at him silently and Connor sighed, flicking the diploma in his hands up. “For this, mostly.”

Evan furrowed his brow in confusion. “I didn't do that. You earned that all on your own, Connor.”

There was that sudden rush of warmth again and damn it all, if that wasn’t the most confident sentence he had ever heard come out of Evan Hansen’s mouth.

Evan somehow always had complete faith in him, which made Connor sometimes question the state of Evan’s judgement but he was grateful for it all the same. Evan had seen him at his worst, when he came to close to giving up on everything. When anyone else in that position would have taken one look at him and tossed him aside, casting him as a hopeless case - Evan reached out and pulled him through it. Evan helped him when no one else could - when no one else would.

“Yeah,” Connor scoffed and then cleared his throat, shaking off any apparent emotion that was trying to surface, “Maybe. But if it weren’t for you I’d be off getting high somewhere, a high school drop out.” Or dead. He knew the truth of the matter and he knew Evan must have to. If it weren't for Evan and that damn letter, he wouldn't have been here to live this day, or any day.

Connor winced, thinking of how close he had been to becoming that person - well, how he had to try and convince himself every day that he wasn’t that person anymore.

Evan’s face fell into a frown but then softened into a small smile and he reached out, touching Connor’s arm. “But you aren’t. You’re here and you did it. And it's not over, y’know? You’re going to college in the fall.”

Connor scoffed. “Community college.”

“So?” Evan shrugged. “It's still college. And-and I'll be there too so…”

While Jared had been accepted into some fancy technical school, he and Evan were headed straight for Community College. Connor’s only option because of his grades - though his father insisted he could pull some strings elsewhere because God forbid his son go to a community college- and Evan’s because of his anxiety.

He knew he could only make it through the next four years with his sanity in tact if Evan was with him. He only agreed to go to college in the first place because Evan practically begged him to. And for some God Knows reason, he did not want to disappoint Evan Hansen.

His parents liked Evan too, liked his influence on him, and, well at least his mother seemed content with his decision. It was, after all, better than not going at all.

Evan had decided to venture into the field of Environmental Science, due to his passion for nature. Evan had a passion, at least. Connor painfully reminded him as Evan was in the process of trying to convince him to go, that he did not have any passions, and barely saw ahead to the next day how could he think about his damn future in college?

Evan had spent hours with him researching all the majors offered at their local college, bouncing off ideas to the not so receptive Connor. Eventually Connor agreed to go, only enrolling in the liberal arts program to get his parents, and Evan to some extent though Evan wasn’t quite as annoying because he wasn’t demeaning, off his back.

That made him wonder how much time he’d actually be spending with Evan, even though they had agreed to share rides together, and how much time he’d therefore be spending on his own left to his own destructive behaviors.

“Yeah.” He nudged Evan’s shoulder with his own and gave him a tiny smirk. Then he shrugged and pulled at the drawstrings of his hoodie. “I just don’t know if it will be any different than here.”

Evan opened his mouth to reply and then hesitated, his own uncertainty on his face. He swallowed and nodded in understanding. “It has to be.” He finally said quietly and a tiny look of determination crossed his face. “It’s a new start, right? For both of us.”

“If you say so, Hansen.”

Evan nodded again. “It has to be.” He repeated firmly and Connor wished he could have his optimism.

They fell into a small silence after that, each contemplating what the future would hold for them.

“Evan…?”

Evan frowned at the sudden change in tone of Connor’s voice and he peered over his shoulder to where Connor looked off in the distance.

Waiting for them was the Murphy’s and a few feet from them, Heidi Hansen, beside her, Jared Kleinman with what must have been his parents.

“Is Kleinman coming to this dinner thing?”

Connor slowly looked back at Evan, only to find him smiling sheepishly. “H-he’s a family friend...my-my mom asked him.”

Connor groaned and tossed his head back, closing his eyes tight. “Hansen.”

“A-and he’s my friend too! S-sorry, I know you don’t like him…” Evan trailed off and looked down, his fingers twisting at the edges of his gown. “You don’t have to come if you don’t want…”

Connor sighed and reopened his eyes, moving back to look at Evan and he cursed at himself for putting that look on his face.

He rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. “I’ll come.” He said gruffly.

Evan lifted his head slowly, the corners of his lips twitching into a smile.

“You just gotta tell Kleinman not to be an asshole.”

“O-okay…” Evan nodded and his mouth twitched again. “But...you also can’t be an asshole.”

Connor laughed, loud and free, his arms falling to his sides. He caught sight of Evan’s pleased dorky grin and snorted. If Evan wasn’t the only single person on the planet to know him so well, or at all.

He reached out and placed a hand on Evan’s shoulder.

“If you can get Kleinman to not shoot off his mouth than neither will I.”

Evan’s eyes widened slightly at the thought of achieving what seemed to be an impossible task and then they both shared a laugh.

“This is going to be a disaster.” Evan muttered.

“Probably.” Connor agreed with a smirk.

Evan tried to smile but his face twisted in up in a grimace. His shoulders tensed under Connor’s hand and he started to laugh, high pitched and nervous as he once again fiddled with the edges of his gown.

“Hey…” Connor squeezed his shoulder. “It's alright. I swear I won't start anything.”

His voice was sincere but there was a smirk in his lips and a hint of mischief in his eyes that didn't really seem to reassure Evan.

The longer he stared at Connor though the more he seemed to relax. He relaxed under Connor’s hold and smiled, ducking his head as he grabbed a tight hold of the material of his gown for a second and then released it.

“Okay. Thanks.” Evan mumbled, his voice soft and Connor smiled at the sound.

“I-I'll talk to Jared.” Evan said, lifting his head. “I-I mean Jared is Jared so…” He shrugged.

Connor raised an eyebrow. “Your mom will be there? He's not so….himself in front of her.”

Evan nodded quickly and relaxed a little more at that reassuring thought. Heidi often left the boys to their own devices when they would hang out at the Hansen house but if they would stay for dinner, Jared suddenly became an angel. Or as much of an angel as Jared could be. Which then effectively cooled any brewing tensions between Connor and Jared.

“Well...you better go. It looks like your mom is waiting for you.”

Connor nodded past Evan’s shoulder and Evan turned around.

Heidi seemed to be in conversation with Mrs. Kleinman but kept glancing back towards them.

As she caught his gaze across the field, Heidi lifted in her hand in a wave and Evan smiled and waved back.

“So is yours.” Evan noted, looking over to where Cynthia stood, visibly a few feet in front of Larry and Zoe.

Her face lit in a smile and she waved also as she caught Evan’s eye.

Connor rolled his eyes, hiding a small smirk as Evan waved enthusiastically.

Connor lifted his hand and gave his own half-hearted wave, which at least seemed to satisfy his mother.

“She is proud of you,” Evan said quietly, “They all are.”

Connor turned to him, raising his brow. “I barely graduated. Meanwhile Zoe is already top in her class. Yeah I'm sure they are just thrilled with their stoner, failure son.”

Evan frowned at him so suddenly, so seriously that he was a little taken aback.

“Y-you're not Zoe and you're not a failure. You’re you and…”

“That's enough?” Connor finished sardonically, scoffing a bitter laugh.

“Yes.” Evan said shortly. “You should be proud of yourself too, y’know? And I know you care what they think, even though you say you don't…”

Connor crossed his arms and scowled. “I don't.” He insisted but his own voice betrayed him and damn him, Evan knew it.

“Okay. I'm just saying...they are here aren't they? Waiting for you?”

“You're here, Ev. They are over there.”

Evan gave him a look that melted the scowl and replaced the smirk on his lips.

“Y-you known what I mean, Connor.”

Connor shrugged and sniffed offhandedly. “Yeah well...they probably just want to get home or whatever.”

Evan pressed his lips together and kept silent, seeing he was getting nowhere with this.

They both glanced over to the group of their parents.

Jared grinned at them from behind his parents and Heidi and made a vague sexual gesture.

Connor sighed and dropped his head while Evan smiled apologetically but the sudden tension had suddenly and effectively been broken.

“I, ah, better go…” Evan waved his hand in the direction of his mother.

“Yeah, go.” Connor nodded, his features softening as Evan gave him a gentle, warm smile. “I’ll see you later.”

“Yeah, see ya.” Evan’s arms twitched at his sides and for a moment Connor thought he was going to hug him again but he only waved. “See ya.” He repeated more quietly with a lingering smile and then finally turned around and headed across the field toward his mother.

He watched as Evan finally reached his mother and Heidi enveloped him in a big hug and even at their distance, he could see the proud, genuine smile on her face.

Connor ignored the cold stab of envy that pierced his heart and instead looked toward his own mother. Once she caught his gaze, she waved him over encouragingly, a similar smile on her face.

Zoe stepped into view beside their mother and lifted her hands in question - what the hell are you still doing over there?

He thought he had done irreparable damage to his relationship with his sister, but as he drew closer to Evan, and stopped relying on getting high so often, and as his anger began to dissipate, things had started to heal between them.

He glanced once more over to Evan. Heidi now had an arm slung affectionately around his shoulders and Evan wore a smile bright as the sun as he talked and laughed with Jared.

Evan’s eyes drifted back towards him and he froze momentarily, his smile widening even further as their eyes met.

Evan gave a subtle nod towards Cynthia, Larry and Zoe and then his attention was drawn to Jared who must have cracked another joke that had all of them laughing.

He could hear Evan’s laughter, carried on the wind to where he stood.

Connor closed his eyes and inhaled, slow and deep. His fingers curled around the diploma in his hands and he opened his eyes to look down at it.

His name was written in black and gold letters, along with the name of the school and the year.

It was a shit piece of paper that really should have meant nothing...but somehow, it didn’t.

The corners of his lips twitched up and he lifted his head, looking ahead to his family.

He thought about what Evan had said - a new start - for both of them. Somehow he had a hard time believing he had any kind of opportunity to start over - that his life would just be a miserable, endless loop of being stuck in rut of depression and failure.

Yet, if Evan said it, if Evan believed it, maybe he could too. Or at the very least, try to believe it.

He sighed and took a step forward, deciding to leave the miserable years behind him. He had a whole new chapter of his life to start, and he had a friend to go along for the messy ride.

For once in his entire life he saw something other than the chains of the past or the darkness of the present. He saw a glimpse of light...he could think ahead to a future where maybe - just maybe- everything would be alright.

~~~~~

“All we see is sky for forever…”

~~~~~

#Dear Evan Hansen #Evan Hansen #Connor Murphy #Tree Bros #fanfiction #fandom:deh

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