#i talked to a co-worker about that pharmacist and she said to start documenting things | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ljandersen · 3 years

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And other question: “Tell us a little bit about yourself”. It's always interesting to know more about your favorite author) Thanks a lot🖤

First of all, thank you! Being one of someone’s favorite authors is a huge compliment and very humbling. I appreciate your interest in both me and my stories!

To start (*avoids eye contact* *lowers voice*), I’m American. I know we all look like lunatics right now, but I swear, I’m normal. I live in the Pacific Northwest. I’ve spent most of my life paying tuition and sitting in lecture halls. After nine years of school, I finally graduated with my terminal degree. Now I’m an oncology pharmacist who works for a healthcare system with inpatient services and several ambulatory clinics. I work with brilliant people. I love my coworkers. I’ve finally been able to travel the world and see the amazing sites I only dreamed about growing up and in school. I have a cat, dog, and husband.

When it comes to writing, I’ve written stories for as long as I can remember. When I learned how to spell “Hi,” I wrote a story with crayon animals saying “hi” to each other on each page. I kept a wad of notebook-page stories in my nightstand from first grade through high school. I never planned to be a professional writer, since that wasn’t a “responsible” career route. Instead I went into science and medicine. Throughout my years at the university, my writing became less and less, and by the time I entered graduate school, I had put it away completely.

It probably would have stayed that way if I hadn’t become disillusioned with my career. I was always the A+ student. It was part of my identity. When I graduated, I assumed my career would be this grand thing. I’d be valued for what I brought to the organization. I’d go above and beyond, and it would matter in some small way. As it turned out, medicine is very corporate.

I became a cog in the wheel. I got tired of management telling my team, “Go ahead and quit. It’s easier for us to replace you, than it is for you to find a new job.” The whole “Get off the bus if you don’t like it” mantra was something I heard at least every other week, not necessarily said directly to me as an individual, but to my coworkers as a group. I saw how other exceptional employees were treated. I saw how my efforts never went anywhere. I had no individual worth to management or administration. If I was so replaceable then even the higher calling of patient care didn’t really matter. If whether it was me or some random person off the street sitting in that seat, it didn’t make a difference to administration, then my individual contribution to patient care was obviously generic and relatively insignificant.

I was inhibited improving programs or providing education, advancing anything, problem solving for efficiency, and all my extra work either got me in trouble in some weird round-about way or simply was wasted effort. For instance, I was really excited about developing a dose-rounding policy for the outpatient clinic. I had read recent guidelines issued by NCCN/HOPA. I talked to my boss. She patted me on the head and said sure. I drafted a policy, complied sources, worked hard on documents and presentation material for the physicians. Then it emailed it to my boss. Month after month, I’d ask her, “Have you brought that to the doctors?” Month after month, she’d forget. Finally, I stopped asking. A year and half later, one of the doctors brought up dosing rounding in a meeting. My boss didn’t even remember I’d worked on it. She told the MD it was such a good idea and assigned one of my coworkers to work on it and create a policy to present. Going above and beyond only lead to frustration and hurt.

To me, what mattered was getting the job done well and having a harmonious, good working relationship with co-workers. That’s not what mattered to my boss. I got tired of being told I was a good clinician, but I didn’t smile enough. I got in trouble if I didn’t come to her office to “hi” to her in the morning. She was put out I hadn’t told her my grandma died but told a coworker. How I did my job clinically didn’t matter.

I discovered administration just wanted someone to clock in, clock out, do the factory conveyer-type work of daily duties and do nothing else. I not only couldn’t share an opinion, I had to not have one at all. I could leave, but staying near my family was important. I stayed, but I realized: my career had to be a job. It couldn’t be a part of my identity. I would never feel accomplished or have a sense of individual worth or achievement from my paycheck job.

That’s when I turned back to writing. I tried a few original novels that went nowhere. After playing ME, I lacked closure and wrote an ending for myself. It turned into 300 k words, and my sister encouraged me to try posting it on a website. From there, I found FFN and eventually AO3. I’ve written ME fanfiction ever since. I enjoy it. It gives me something to do that brings me more joy than my actual job. I’ve been studying self-publishing and maybe one day I’ll take the leap. I don’t intend to leave my day job, since I spent 9 years and $100,000 getting my degree, but at least, I have an area of my life where I feel like I matter as an individual. I achieve something I can be proud of.

It’s been a few years since I posted my first ME fanfiction, and I have met several amazing people. I’ve made good friends. We get excited over each other’s story and share interests. I’m so thankful for them. Plus, I’ve read some amazing fanfic and enjoyed being part of a community. Everything someone writes is worthwhile and appreciated by someone. We improve and encourage each other. No one’s better than anyone else. We’re skilled in different areas and have our own spin when it comes to writing. Some people are primarily readers and make a fanfic writer’s day by enjoying their story. It’s all worthwhile. It’s fun to be in a group where you’re worth comes from being yourself, not a voice-box-less automaton who smiles and says “hi” and “good bye” every morning and every evening.

As for the future, I’ve been able to join professional writers’ facebook groups and read books about self-publishing and marketing. I’ll keep with my day job, but now I feel less frustrated and listless. I’m just there for the paycheck and for the enjoyment of my immediate coworkers, who again, I’ll say, are brilliant human beings. I’m lucky to work with them. With writing, though, I can achieve something and advance myself. I focus on the people in my life for real satisfaction and have a hobby where I can progress myself and feel proud of what I achieve.

That’s my story. Not very exciting, but that’s my path to writing fanfic in a nutshell. I think it’s important that everyone has an area in their life where they find joy in accomplishing something for themself.

Thank you for the ask! I’m sure that was more than you were expecting to get an answer. All my short stories turn into long fics, even this one. Lol! Again, I appreciate your interest very much!

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