#i started out so optimistic too

[real-life-cloud]

im GOING to write today ........ i WILL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#the sky speaks #i havent used twitter in so long and lemme say i missed using tumblr like twitter. just putting my long rambly notes into a single post #anyways onto the rambling #i havent been writing or drawing like at alllll #too busy #also was so sick #but now that i have my new job and i know what my schedule is gonna sorta look like #3 days at joann 2 days cleaning w mom and 2 days nothin #PLUS i dont have to spend money on therapy til after the new year now #and mom is coming home and she seems rly optimistic abt sobriety #im feeling like i can finally create again !!!! #i have 2 creative presents i need to do before christmas #but aside that and 1 prompt still in my inbox (that i rly wanna do anyways) everything else i wanna do is all for Me :) #im kinda put out bc a lot of stuff i wanted to do this fall got shelved.. i wanted to make bday art of kirishima xinyan and kazuha. #i wanted to open comms. but im way too rusty w art rn to be confident doing that. maybe after new years? #god i wanted to come out to my parents properly. the day my mom went to rehab was national coming out day. #it was also one of my last therapy sessions. i came out to her instead #i still managed to do stuff tho. started my new job and got together with friends TWICE !! and i've kept up w doing my moms job alone #idk where im going w this anymore ive lost steam. but yeah. i wanna write today! idk what yet. i hav so many wips i could work on..

[sysig]

Fond of you and your artworks :)

Aw, thank you! 💕

#Doodles #DDoodles #Compliments are always appreciated :D #Fond is such a soft word to my mind haha ♪ Gentle! I like it #I'm glad! #I actually double-glad - since I like to answer these with DDoodles it was good motivation haha #I must confess it's been almost exactly two months since I've even plugged in my tablet :0 #I just haven't been drawing digitally! Like at all! So I was admittedly a bit nervous to start Requestober this year #I was worried I'd be too out of practice or something would go wrong 3X #And in a way it kinda did - both my laptop and tablet are nearing the end of their lives #They still work! But they're struggling #And they only really work in a specific configuration which - in the two months I've been away - I had forgotten #I remember it now luckily so if anything it's good that I got it out of the way now haha #Hopefully it'll be enough to get them both through Requestober this year the poor things haha #Other than that though - no ♥ Drawing feels just as it always does #I feel very fortunate in that way hehe #Feeling just a bit hopeful and optimistic hehe >:3c #Also you like my ''JOE'' shirt in full colour? Surprise! It's been a rainbow this whole time! Lol

[guideaus]

this chizuru's love interest arc is a little more frustrating than the last bits of knt

#personal #it think primarily bc sawako is not the protag for this arc. she is the star and is the most likeable part of the show #so the previous frustrations were tolerable bc we see our socially awkward optimistic protag persevere in her own kind way #but then this bit w chizuru... im having a hard time caring #and i cant quite say bc its all cishet or whatever lol #sawako's interest in kazehaya was bc of his personality. chizuru likes a supporting character's older bro because... conflict? #her best friends feel bad and wanna comfort her but when he fought in his fiancee all i thought was thank god fhsdfjsdfds #good its not Kids on the Slope and i have to endure a adult/high schooler relationship but the show does want me to feel for chizuru. #which i dont. #the show is kinda simple too. like sawako doesnt feel real. she feels like she came into existence in the knt universe the second before th #ep started. theres only a handful of characters. most of the show is dedicated to very small drama dragged out. idc abt the one rn

[arolesbianism]

Thinks oh so hard abt the spiraling upwards clan founders, especially the birchclan founders. Silly lil kitties who's pasts are drenched in blood with the primary regret of not drawing it sooner

#rat rambles #oc posting #warriors posting #spiraling upwards #long story short they had a shitty awful terrible leader who sucked absolutely ass and they tore him to shreds #I mean that literally they pinned him onto the mountain side and slashed and mauled the shit out of him so hard that his lives evaporated #and several of the cats involved in that scene are sill alive and major parts of the story and I love them #oh also the cat that pinned him through a stab through the throat was his own daughter btw everyone hated his ass so much #and for good reason get his ass #alas in the main story I dont rly get to go too deep into how he harmed everyone involved mostly just three main ones #aka bristlestar because shes murtlepaw's ghost mom dawncrackle because hes also haunting murtle and gullspot because shes bristle's kit #so basically all the flashbacks we get involve those three in some form or another #honeystar was also there and involved but Im not currently planning on having her rly talk abt that #most of her more modern angst is the fact that she was forced into leadership against her will #and shes been alive long enough that shes been leading birchclan far longer than she ever lived in her old clan #but she did go through a lot of shit before birchclan was founded and it definitely shaped her a lot #she used to be a very determined and high spirited lil kitty cat who tried to be optimistic #but her family began to slowly be picked off one by one by both the old leader and the one whod later get evicerated #some of the older cats around her hoped it make her back down from her revelutionary ideas but she noticed that and it backfired on them #instead of being worn down to submission she became absolutely Furious and began to lash out more and become more demanding #it got to the point that she really only had two friends in the entire clan and one of them was her aunt whod later also die after coming #out abt having witnessed the leader killing his own kits #that was the final fucking straw for her and she was fully on board when bristle and dawn started looking for cats to join their rebellion #she did get rly frustrated with them as they waited patiently for the right moment but her remaining bestie kept her from going apeshit #so once the big fight finally broke out she was more than eager to join the hoard of cats chasing the bastard upwards #now unlike some of the other cats involved this legitimately actually made her feel a lot better for a while #for the first time in ages she finally felt like she could be optimistic abt smth again and was excited abt the idea of leaving this place #she had lost so much in this damn place since she was an apprentice and just wanted to finally be able to rest easy #but once they got to their new territory and set up camp things went south real fast as a flood fucked everything up #and after losing the only cat she had left in her life and losing her tail and being made deputy on top of that she deteriorated quickly

[undyinglantern]

when you’re so shit at Spanish that it literally doesn’t even occur to you how to pronounce this word until looking at the wiki 👍🏼

#though the most I’m familiar with the word when it comes to starting a car [insert all the times ive heard family say they have to #'arrancar el carro']. and like I know nothing about cars so bare with me in the way I’m gonna explain this but #when the engine won’t start so you open the hood and connect wires from the car that won’t start to one that works fine #anyways also very stupid of me considering I HAVE heard the term espada in terms of this series before #now I’m curious how arrancar is gonna be pronounced once I get that far #bc I was trying to guess and in my head I kept going Aron-kur(?) #but like knowing how 2000s anime pronounce jp works I wonder if they’ll butcher esp one too #are they gonna say ah-rahn-kar properly? cmon there’s a half Mexican guy in the series you can do this #<-(Falsely optimistic) #BUT ALSO IN MY DEFENSE i had never actually heard the word sword (espada) irl growing up #but my understanding of spanish is all sorts of fucked up tbh #like the first time i had champurrado i freaked out wtf i was getting this thick chocolate drink and not a hard giant cookie (champurrada) #my parents never said chancla they said chancleta #i had no idea a chicote was a whip until i looked it up later in life. i thought it was a belt which just happened to be made of leather.. #saying as someone whos parents didnt threaten them with a belt or sandals but A FUCKING WHIP. APPARENTLY. #papote instead of pajilla (later found out i was mispronouncing even that my whole life bc its actually pOpote) #and pelo colocho instead of chino are the other 2 big commonly spoken differences

[welcometogrouchland]

Sick in the head for the toh crew to have the b plot in elsewhere and elsewhen be clawthorne centric with new lore about them introduced when we didn't even know yet that it thematically connected with the wittebane centric a plot of that episode. Sick in the head

#ramblings of a lunatic #the owl house #toh #i am rewatching things #part of me is like. oh i shouldn't just rewatch ftf again i watched it just last week (ish) #and I'm watching some season 2 hits in the meantime #(I didn't finish ttlgr bc i was in a weird headspace when i started and i need to chill for a bit before i come back to it again- #-theres nothing in that ep that upsets me i was just in a bad mood and it was rubbing off on how i was experiencing the ep- #-which wasn't fun and didn't feel fair. watching this show is so emotionally involved for me I'm realizing bdbdjfbfk) #and anyway i do still wanna do the thing of watching thanks to them followed immediately by for the future #but also i might literally just wait until the last episode airs (IN AGONY JUST THINKING ABOUT IT) and then putting the three together #bc of the whole idea that this season is like. a weird sort of movie #(I don't wanna get too optimistic or predictive for the ending bc i wanna be open minded and not be reactionary when it comes out- #-BUT i have faith that all of season 3- despite the hurdles and challenges it faced- is gonna hold up pretty well for the circumstances)

[dadbots]

August… time to get spooky.

#dadbots.txt #this has been in my draft for... almost a month. Yikes. #I’ve been dissociating hella hard these past months or something. swear I don’t remember time moving this fast. maybe it’s just me tbh. #idk what to say about July other than… boring? not much happened and I don’t really remember it if I’m honest. just. mm. shrugs. #best way to describe it LOL #been sleeping a LOT lately and I think it’s fatigue again. was it like anything before? no. not at that rate (yet) but just. #where you wanna sleep and sleep and sleep type of fatigue. you never feel rested and just gotta sleep it off kinda. #just one of those moments yknow. #it sucks. all I’m doing is letting the days pass me by and ‘missing out’ on living life when I could be enjoying it. but I lost interest - #- in doing so for months - years now due to personal health matters. And whaddya know - it came back again. after months of healing. #I'm pretty pissed as it does feel like a slap in the face. but you win some - you lose some. Gonna try and fight through it. #I wrote something at the beginning of august but that got deleted. Had a breakdown and thought huh. what a great way to start the month - #and now it's almost september. Just like that. What a month it's been. Stuck on what else to say but that really. #don't want to keep talking about depressing stuff as that's what i used to do and realized hey. maybe you should stop doing that so often #and not use it so casually in humor and/or stuff. Even though I reblog vents here n' all. but yknow. #maybe it is hypocritical. but that's not the point. Just want to reflect and see if i've changed since coming back to the web after a year. #not like it's going bad. just wished this year was a bit more optimistic. Last year was rough & i'm afraid this year will be another repeat #though I did come out to a family member this month and that was like a punch to the gut. Considering my status with them and all. #won't get into that. for now let's just say i'm not too close with them. An impulsive choice on my end but hey. it went well. #and that's what matters tbh. My younger self would've thought i was actually insane. like to even DO that? really? #shocking. I'm still not over that moment. Probably one of my biggest achievements this year. #I'll update this if anything else comes to mind. none of this make sense and that's ok. clearing my mind right now. #let's see what september has in store for me. Hopefully it'll get better as things slow down w/ winter on its way. #hope y'all enjoyed your summer. 🖤🤘🏽

[laureala]

i wanna come back here i was happier when i looked at pictures of flowers and literary quotes and made gifsets of amelia shepherd frequently

#i scroll tiktok and read tweets far too much now i need out #updates on me i graduated and got a job i start next week! but i am struggling post uni it’s rough out here #also i no longer live immediately next to beautiful canals or close to the lake district im miserable :( #though i was literally there last week visiting my bf i need to be serious that’s why i wanna come back here it made me far more optimistic #so in the spirit of optimism it’s AUTUMN and i love autumn and my birthday month is close <3 #hope u are all well #ciara chats shit

[sad--tree]

impulsively ordered a new pair of boots bc i saw shoefreaks had a pair of demonias on clearance sale in my size (!) and like. do i need another pair of platform boots? absolutely not and these weren't even on my wishlist but fuckit they're cool and at the moment i need every tiny shred of Something Good To Look Forward To after wrestling with my godforsaken java assignment for hours and getting absolutely fucking nowhere. the Death And Doom And Perpetual Academic and Professional and Personal Failure Spiral is real folks and if some 5" platform heels are what puts the brakes on said spiral in2 the Bottomless Pit of Despair well then so be it

#honestly the clearance markoff is only 35% but when reg price is over $200 that shit makes a difference #thank GOD for shoefreaks........ free domestic shipping..... in CANADA 😭 #anyways theyre the demonia camel-300 #probably gonna wear em to tge a7x concert this month assuming they get here on time #might wear my white pleaser boots 2 the grandson concert tho bc why not right? gotta wear em sometime #hnngngnnnng too stressed 2 sleep knowing my java assignment is a verified shitshow and i just str8 up dont know how 2 fix it. at all #i am..... fuckèd. :| #theres nothing i can do about so i may as well sleep! bc its almost 3 am! but the stress! AHHHHHHH #kill me #gonna bus 1.5 hours 2 campus tmrw. demo my assignment aka display the stunning variety of 5xx errors i get in lieu of actual functionality #while trying to not combust from the shame of Being A FailureTM then turn around bus 1.5 hours back home #and . god and adhd willing. start working on my next java lab. bc its due sunday. and i haven't even looked at it #and lord knows i Can Not ask for an extension after the trashfire that has been this last assignment. #i hate college #no 1 even THINK the word python at me idek what im gonna do abt that but ots not due til the 23rd #i feel cautiously tentatively flinchingly optimistic that i might be able 2 figure it out. but only bc i havent worked on it for over a week

[cinnamon-phrog]

Had a Barbie Moment [realising how beautiful life is while sitting on a public bench]

#i'm going to document my lifes' findings #all those years i was denied this kind of freedom and i want to share it! because it makes me happy! #and i want to prove to people that happiness and living after being essentially locked away from society is in fact possible. #don't get me wrong it's hard. it hurts. it's scary. #but it's also beautiful and fun and so worth it. #i'm not talking about all that grand shit either. i'm talking about just sitting on a bench and feeding birds part of your sandwich. #picking out your own clothes that suit YOUR tastes [and budget] #even the silly tiny things like signing your returns reciept because something was too small. #i feel so much more important now and i deserve to talk about it regardless of whether people care or not. i care. #and i am so much happier- of course it has to be seen to be believed. but i am. #certainly more than i was at the start of the year. certainly more than i was last year. #the glamour might wear off but right now i'm just going to go around cautiously yet with a remarkable optimistic whimsy. #because yay!!! existence!!!!! being alive!!!! going outside!!!!!!!!! fuck you who said i couldn't!!!!!!!!!!!!! #🗨🐸

[faderifter]

i know this point has been made exhaustively but being fuck zoned hurts SO BAD. thinking you make a friend only for them to distance themselves when they realise they can’t have sex with you, for that to happen over and over, to feel like the only way you can make some kind of connection is to be sexually available…it’s crushing and extremely isolating. This is an experience I think most people perceived as female can relate to, doubly so for those who are in male dominated spaces and/or autistic

#autism #sexualisation #fadetext #i made a few friends after moving to the city after spending a while in an EXTREMELY weird and bad headspace #they were very involved in the local scene of the niche music i liked #and after meeting them i started feeling more optimistic about finding a community and about life #so when they disappeared after finding out about my relationship it was crushing #it’s still crushing and i lost my in into the scene #one was my fault for being too scared to end a misunderstanding asap #and that still hurts because we got extremely close and i felt a connection which is EXTREMELY rare for me #and i still think about them almost daily lol!! #but the other wasn’t my fault beyond if they didn’t like my personality but it still hurts #it’s hard to feel like i can have a partner OR a larger social life/friends #he doesn’t do anything to isolate me himself it’s all not being able to make friends without sex #both because of men’s dehumanizing interest in me and because i can’t open up without sleeping with someone #and they’re rarely real friends! only 2 have stuck around and one (online) doesn’t want to visit if i’m not single #so i only have about 2 irl friends and the rest are my boyfriends that i would lose if we broke up #this is all to say that i feel extremely isolated and men’s sexualisation is both further isolating and a source of temporary relief #i love tags sm thank you public but effectively invisible personal diary system #if anyone has read all this it’s sin and even if i do a bad job of keeping in touch i love you dearly #and wish you were here

[hawkinslibrary]

the major character death obsession is just so weird to me idk

#makes me like pre-sad too bc i don't want to lose anyone #i don't think we will lose anyone from the main main cast this season #and even thinking about the final season anytime i start thinking we could lose someone i talk myself out of it #like idk i just think killing any of them would be a bad idea #'someone Has to die' they literally do Not #'it's unrealistic' the Entire Show is unrealistic #and we've watched them all suffer in some way for 4 seasons now #why can't the very end be triumphant and happy #if only bittersweet to think about all the people they Have lost along the way #it's like steve said... they've all almost died so many times over now and if they were going to kill any of them #it's not like they haven't had the opportunity to do so #final season major character deaths when you could do literally Anything else just feels lazy to me tbh #maybe it's naïve maybe it's too optimistic but i literally do not care #lex talks

[nexttothelamp]

feeling gay and emotional

#but thats every night isnt it #woke up at 9pm after about 22 hours of sleep so... here we are #i got some nano wrimo to catch up on #maybe ill put out a fic! doubtful #one day i'll get another toh fic out and ill dedicate it to my only fan 🥰 #ive published 1 fic thats not a drag on myself #theres one person out there who read it and loved it and keeps coming back to it #next fic i finish is dedicated to them. 100% #anyway im slowly losing it out here #7 days til i get my cpap machine #17 days til i have an intake with a new psychiatrist #itd be too optimistic to think i'll be able to start weening off the propranolol that day but #its the next step #i can dream #also this blurb counts as my paragraph of writing for the day fuck off writing gods #gays are always winning. dont forget #and yunno what? im tired of feeling out of place #i may not fit in cis spaces OR trans spaces anymore #but as far as im concerned? the less binary you are the better #fuck society #fuck the status quo! be as weird as you can! #queer EVERY aspect of your life! toast in the oven! silverware thats blue! STARE DOWN THE BARREL OF THE GUN AND PEE INTO THE WIND #its 3am #id say delete later but i wont #month 5-7 of unhinged lack of health here we gooooo

[master-of-the-opera-house]

11 12 20

Thank you darling!!

Archduke Franz Ferdinand:

11. What is your favourite portrayal of them in fiction (e.g. movies, novels etc.)?

My own play

No but really, I don't think I have a favourite fictional portrayal of him bc most media that deal with him are way more focused on, well you know, the assassination and resulting war and all that than on him as an actual person. The only one that comes to mind is that Christopher Plummer movie and they bimboified him which. Literally 0/10 like have u all seen this man he's supposed to look like Taxidermy Fox.

that being said this novel is funny as hell idk if it's my favourite per se because it's SO MEAN to him but the way they were just making up Depressed Bitch thoughts for him..... Iconic. So really, in this media desert I've been stuck with....

12. Let us know the three best books about your favourite historical figure!

a. The Assassination of the Archduke by Greg King and Sue Woolmans was genuinely a great read!! Sensitively written, with a very narrative flow, it was more than a little biased towards him but you know what, it makes up for every other piece of literature out there that is extremely biased //against// him, so I say screw it. Just keep that in mind and take the more flattering bits with a pinch of salt and you'll be grand.

b. Archduke of Sarajevo by Gordon Brook Shepherd - I'm only halfway through it proper, but it seems promising so far & from the skim I've given it, which is why I'm even here reading it in the first place djhdkdkdkdks

c. So this isn't one I've actually read YET, but Alma Hannig's biography is also said to be very gracefully written and I'm dying to get my filthy hands on it. School library i am BEGGING you ((derogatory))

20. What is your favourite possession that refers to your favourite historical figure (e.g. statue, book etc.)?

Ok sorry for the absolute degeneracy but

UHM LOOK AT THIS EXTREMELY LITTLE MEOW MEOW I MADE?????????? 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡 ISN'T HE JUST STUNNING ((listen I don't //own// any ''''official'''"" merch or whatever which is a crying shame, like I couldn't find anything in Vienna even :( not that I'm too surprised, but desperate times call for desperate measures -))

#Notes to the opera populaire #Re the book one ive DEFINITELY read other books but they dont really stand out as books //about him// which is why #I picked a book i havent read over them...... I WILL attain it. I WILL attain it. I w #Anyway other notable mentions are the archduke and the assassin by lavender cassels which is decent #Esp in the first half where shes writing him but it doesnt quite hit after - gets more political abt the pre war situation than biographica #The secret of sarajevo satisfies my sweet tooth but it is VERY airy-fairy so i cant say it's like. Objectively good djnsksbdjkshc #And re the media question i think theres an austrian tv series which hes in???? Im mad curious about that one #Bc the guy playing him looks like he's done comedy from stalking his Instagram page and theres like one (1) photo he looks franzi enough #((i mean not q there ofc bc. Truly 👁️👄👁️ BUT)) #he also does look sufficiently awkward in one of the behind the scenes shorts and im optimistic!!1!1!1 i have to be bc there is NOTHING 💀 #Anyway. Yeah i am also trying to get my hands on that I'm deadass the let me in!!! Meme @ everything #aLSO..... RE STUFF I ALSO. HAVE UHM. A MASK WITH THE ASSASSINATION ARTICLE ON IT & A GRAPHIC TEE & A STICKER OF MY ICON aka my sisters joke #History #Edit: he doesn't look like franzi would it kill to give ur actors light blue contacts at least or like the right hairstyle ffbfjfjdjdjdjdk #Edit 2: hitler and the habsburgs started out promising and i liked whatever they had to say about franzi! #The author even picked up that he was ND in some way and i was like yeah...... But then the writing got increasingly subjective #And there were no footnotes/in text citations to boot either which :///// anyway i couldn't even finish it just got too annoying sO

[bl00dw1tch]

depression will literally have you googling "i need something to hope for rn" 💀

#horse.txt #vent // #it was a week ago that i did that but im feeling it again. i feel so helpless. it feels like theres no point in doing anything #the existential and immediate global climate threat being exponentially Worsened by all the fucking Bombs #and everyone still walks around like 'well its not going to happen in our lifetimes' like 1. you are clearly Not fucking paying attention #and 2. what if i wanted to have kids. what about all the people who DO have kids and grandkids. what life do we have to hope for anymore #our country is full of genocidal racist maniacs that are jackhammering the foundations of our world to rubble #and im still supposed to just. take care of myself. to get a fucking job and keep going anyway. its fucking miserable. its fucking MISERABLE #if Avatar gets ruined for me before its completed i dont know if ill be able to muster up anything else to keep going #thats all ive got to motivate me personally right now. the fact that all the movies are supposed to be out before the end of the decade #before the temperatures get so bad it gets dangerous to go outside or whatever in the 2030s #i dont know. i try to stay optimistic and some days its really easy. there is progess being made. new oil is being rolled back and deflected #maybe it wont be too bad #but other days im just too scared to do anything. it really starts to feel like theres no point

[freakylilnutjob]

it’s feeling like I’m too much hours

#I started out the day feeling so optimistic #and then just it slowly went to shit lol #I feel ✨awful✨ #physically and mentally #just feeling like I’m too much too soon #idk #I feel dumb #sav speaks