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noodlesfluff · 4 years

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The Fire Nations Assassin - Zuko x fem!reader (pt.1)

SUMMARY: y/n has been raised as an assassin and has the opportunity to gain her freedom. What could go wrong? Well… turns out the person she was assigned to kill wasn’t the actual threat.

WORD COUNT: 1.8k

WARNINGS: death. Kinda gory not really but like 1 descriptive sentence about death I think? Swearing. Maybe a bit angsty? Not really. Abusive family relationship. Grammar, spelling and punctuation.

A/N: Hiya friends this is my first atla fic! Hope you like it :)) There will most likely be more parts to this idk lolol. Also! Second day in a row posting wow! We love procrastinating uni work. NEW EDIT: hi everyone! future chapters for this series WILL BE POSTED ON @noodlesfluffy !!!! This account will NOT be used for this series’ future chapters :)

also! italics = flashback

part 2

20 minutes until midday.

This is it. You completed your final mission and you would be free at last. Finally. Zemin, your wonderful guardian and boss said that the prize for today's target would give you enough gold pieces that you can finally go home. Well, you didn’t have a home. Not anymore, but anywhere away from the Fire Nation? You will gladly take it with open arms. Honestly at first you were surprised, freedom at the age of 13 seems way to easy. You didn’t know a life other than constantly fighting for the gold pieces that would pay off your debt with Zemin for raising you…but all the other assassins in the nation are still paying off their debts with their trainers. Then again, you’re the most feared assassin in the Fire Nation, and highly sought after. Even if you haven’t been on the scene for as long the others, nor do they realise you’re literally a 13-year-old girl.

You suppose that made it easier when you entered the palace in your finest robes claiming you’re the niece of the Fire Lords general. Little did the guards know, you were about to kill said uncle.

You hit another dead end.

“Fuck.” Why are there so many corridors? You know you can’t leave the way you came in, it’s too suspicious. The guards would know something is wrong. Why would you leave the palace before you got a chance to see the general, your “uncle”, before he wins his Agni Kai?

You’ve never had to enter the palace before today, nor did you ever have to really go near it. Zemin had given you a vague location of the exits, yet somehow failed to mention how stupidly big the palace was. That asshole. Normally the ones who are commissioning you to kill come from within the palace. You never know who they are, but what you do know is that you kill those who come too close to replacing them from their oh so treasured positions next to the Fire Lord. Nobel scum. Ironically, the ones you do kill are no better than them, hiding in the taverns in the middle of the night cheating on their wives. So why the hell did you have to visit the palace now.

10 minutes until midday.

This by far had to be the worst mission you have ever gone on. Turning yet another corner you try to navigate an exit leading to somewhere, anywhere out of this damned palace and as far away from the body. You knew this would’ve been a lot easier if you were given at least a day to snoop the exits but you only feel your fire rage inside you thinking about the argument you had with Zemin last night.

“What do you mean the target is in the palace?!”

Zemin being the kind and loving guardian he is, didn’t even bother to face you. “Look y/n. You have one shot to kill the general tomorrow. No later. If you miss your chance, you’re just going to have to keep doing the regular jobs. Just be grateful you have this opportunity. They specifically wanted you to do it anyway. You’re the cleanest in the game. You’re also the only one who manages to get away every time without using your bending. If I’m honest, that’s just a compliment to me.”

Scoffing you move towards him. “This is suicide! You can’t expect me to enter that palace and kill the general! I’ll get caught without time to prepare, I don’t even know what the inside of the palace is like!!”

He finally looks you in the eye, unphased. “It doesn’t matter what you want or what you know y/n. If you fail this mission, you might as well die with your freedom. There is an Agni Kai tomorrow at the palace, and it seems that whoever commissioned you to kill the general, hopes you can act as a safeguard for whoever is on the other side.”

Your heart skips a beat. “An Agni Kai?! You can’t possibly think I can get away with this! Everyone in the nation knows how binding they are. Even if I do manage to kill the general, they’ll hunt me down! I won’t make it out alive!”

Fire rages behind Zemin’s eyes, “You will make it. I have trained you for the past seven years of your life! You are the only one capable of completing this mission and you should know this! Trainers all around the nation have countless students who have died on missions you can complete in an hour. Do you know why?! Because they spread their knowledge too wide and too thin. If there is one thing my brother and I have in common its that who you pass your knowledge down to must be worthy. You are worthy Y/N. Now, sit. Lets eat, and I will give you the briefing for tomorrow. If there is one thing you must remember, it’s that you must kill the general and get out by midday, or else whoever is on the other side of that Agni Kai will most likely die. You are their only hope. I wasn’t told who it was but they must be inexperienced or stupid.”

As you stare at the painting of the general on the dining room table you know one thing is certain. They are inexperienced and stupid, especially since I’m about to die for this person.

2 minutes until midday.

In a rushed panic you follow a random group of people walking into a public area. Maybe you can blend in the crowd and find an exit before they notice that one of the participants for the Agni Kai is lying on the floor of his office with a nice and wide slit to his throat.

You almost freeze as you walk through the threshold after the group before you. Remembering the area on the awful map Zemin showed you of the palace last night, you knew this is where the Agni Kai was being held. You wanted to puke. It was almost as if the spirits were laughing at you, payback for all the lives you’ve taken. Feeling too exposed, you stand as far to the side as possible, your eyes instinctively scanning the area for any threats, weapons, and most importantly, a fucking exit.

1 minute until midday.

There it is! On the other side of the room you see an exit. This is it. You did it. Making your way as quickly around the duelling area, you almost want to bring a smile to your face. Reaching it in literal record timing, just as you’re about to walk out the door, you notice the crowd goes quiet. That doesn’t seem right. Taking one last glance behind you, you see a Fire Nation flag fall onto the duelling ground.

Midday.

“No….” you think to yourself, “that can’t be!”

You killed the general. You knew you had, you stared at the painting long enough to know you killed the right one. You never make mistakes. Ever. So why was the Agni Kai still happening? As if the spirits wanted to laugh at you in the face, you saw the Fire Lord enter from the other side of the platform. Confused you glance to who he was going to face. Why would you be sent to kill someone who was going to face the Fire Lord? Surely, he could defend himself? Holding back a gasp, it all clicks in your head. You weren’t protecting the Fire Lord from the general, you were protecting a boy about your age on the other side of the platform.

Yet this still doesn’t make sense. Why would the Fire Lord give a boy, who a guard could easily take, the time of day?

To top it all off, the boy seems just a shocked as you. “Please father, I only had the Fire Nations interests at heart. I’m sorry I spoke out of turn!”

Unaffected by his son’s words, the Fire Lord continues to move towards him. “You will fight for your honour.”

As you watch the Fire Nation Prince kneel before his father on the floor, the thought of leaving completely escapes your mind. You knew this was beyond wrong. Even after killing so many, you knew that no innocent child should have to fight for their honour. Especially since you already knew how trivial something like honour was considering how fast you lost yours in order to survive. He shouldn’t have to lose his. Not like this.

“I meant no disrespect. I am your loyal son.”

He continues to walk towards his son. “Rise and fight Prince Zuko!”

The fire inside you rises, almost like it wants to burst out of the traditional top knot on your head. This shouldn’t be happening, you had killed the general to apparently protect the prince, and titles be damned, you couldn’t bring yourself to walk out of that stupid door.

As Zuko places his arms in front of him on the floor, you knew he had no chance. “I won’t fight you!”

Slowly, and almost subconsciously you walk towards the platform as Zemin’s words ring in the back of your mind “…kill the general and get out by midday, or else whoever is on the other side of that Agni Kai will most likely die.”

You almost wanted to let out a painful laugh because it seems you killed the general for no reason at this point.

“You will learn respect, and suffering will be your teacher!” Zuko’s tear sicken face looked up to his father as if it’s his one last attempt, begging for mercy. You know it’s not enough.

“You are their only hope”

With your heart in your throat, almost feeling your body shake with fear, determination, and adrenaline all rolled into one, you leap onto the platform in front of the Prince’s body as the Fire Lord strikes. Feeling the unbearable heat of his fire on the left side of your body from your neck all the way down to your hip, you let out a scream. Soon enough, you hear Zuko’s join yours.

You want to collapse and cry all at the same time. Partially because of the pain, and partially because Zuko’s scream is the only indicator that you’re failing because he’s getting burnt too. Your mind spins as you feel yourself losing all sense of reality. Wishing the spirits would help you save a person’s life rather than taking one.

After what feels like a lifetime, it stops. Your body shaking as if its still on fire, you fall to your knees feeling paralysed. Your ears are ringing, yet you still hear a soft voice from behind you. “W-who are you?”

You sigh in relief. He’s going to be okay. Yet the moment of relief is gone as soon as it came. The Fire Lord’s voice suddenly controls the room once again. “Someone take away the traitor who dares interfere with the Agni Kai!”

Well fuck.

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hellitwasyoufirstsergeant · 4 years

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Hi everyone! I’m not really sure why I’m posting this here, I suppose because I’m not ready for people I know ‘irl’ to see this, and this is the only account I have anywhere where none of my irl friends follow it. As to why I’m posting this at all, I’m not so sure either. I suppose largely for myself, in the hope that it will exorcise some demons, and partly for other people, because eating disorders just are not discussed enough and perhaps by posting this I can show someone else that they’re not alone.

There may be mistakes in this and it may not all be 100% coherent, I found it hard to write and I didn’t wish to read it back over.

WARNING: The following post contains discussions of eating disorders and mental health issues. Please do not read if this is a trigger for you, and please not not read if you’re only here to pass judgement

Looking back now, it’s so easy to realise why I felt the way I did, and to see my descent into mental illness. At the time, it was confusing as hell. I wasn’t diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder and clinical depression until I was 17, although I had been suffering from both for six years already, I just didn’t realise it, because I just didn’t know they existed. I didn’t know there were medical conditions to describe how I felt, perhaps if I did I wouldn’t have felt so alone and so alienated. It wasn’t until last year that I realised I’d suffered from an eating disorder. Before that, I didn’t know that binge eating was an eating disorder.

The words ‘eating disorder’ to me conjured up images of skeletal bodies, of people making themselves sick. I wish that preteen and teen me knew that I was suffering from an actual condition, that other people suffered from too.

I don’t recall specifically the first time I binged on food, but over autumn (fall) of 2011 it became a regular occurrence, a habit. It was my way of coping with the changes in my life - starting a new school, my mum being diagnosed with a clinical illness and an increasingly fractured relationship with my dad - and my feelings of loneliness. I was also self conscious about my body, I was in a more advanced stage of puberty than most of my peers and I was aware of the fact that I was a little overweight. Bingeing became an outlet for feelings that I couldn’t understand, and therefore that I couldn’t process.

It was a process that I repeated regularly for six years. It was like a paradox, the more I looked at myself in the mirror and hated what I saw, the more I binged, the very thing that made me carry on putting on weight. I was overweight, I still am today, but I wish that I could have seen myself the way others saw me - slightly chubby but not the ugly monster I thought myself at the time. I ate my feelings away, it was the only coping mechanism I knew. Even when in some ways my life improved - when I was 14 I finally fell in with a group of friends who were kind and who made me feel accepted - my mental state continued to decline and I continued to eat to cope. I was also feeling confused about my sexuality, something that increased my sense of alienation and otherness. It was often the only thing that got me through the day, the only thing that made life bearable to me.

I never confided the way I felt or my problem with food to anyone during this period. My mum knew that I had issues with food, twice she found hidden stashes in my bedroom. She has been a good parent to me, but I so wish she’d handled it differently. She made me feel ashamed, something that made me more determined to hide my problem and therefore to not confront it. I think perhaps that she would’ve been a lot more understanding had she known the feelings behind the problem, but I didn’t know how to go about telling her.

I can’t remember how old I was exactly when I shoplifted food for the first time, I think around 14. The £10 a week pocket money was no longer enough to fund my problem, even though I always chose the cheapest food so that I could buy as much as possible. I shoplifted semi regularly from the local supermarkets for around 18 months, I still don’t know how I was never caught.

In September 2016, I started sixth form college. It was a fresh start that I so badly needed, my five years at secondary school having been so unhappy. It was hard to begin with, only my oldest friend went to the same college as me and old feelings of loneliness resurfaced. A part of me had hoped that the change of school would allow me to leave my bingeing habit behind, but it wasn’t to be. Even when I settled in and began making friends, I continued bingeing.

New friends at college told me of their mental health issues, and I finally felt understood - there were other people who felt the way I did, other people who wanted to die. These feelings may not be normal, but I’m not alone anymore. Despite feeling accepted properly for the first time in my life, I continued to eat. Perhaps it was the stress of A levels (my fellow Brits know how fucking hard these are), or my mum’s decline in health, or my increasingly worsening relationship with my dad.

In May/June time of 2017, my oldest friend, Imogen, who was one of a few friends now aware of my poor mental state, told me that I should go to the doctor. After a little persuading, I agreed. She came with me, but the appointment achieved nothing. I tried a few more GPs at my local surgery and eventually found one who made me feel listened to, and who was kind and sympathetic. I don’t recall the exact time I was diagnosed (to be honest this period in my life is a bit of a blur), but after some months I was finally diagnosed with GAD and clinical depression. I still continued to stay silent about my problem with food.

Ironically, it was actually the further decline of my mental state that allowed me to break my old habit. My mental health had declined fairly slowly over the past few years, but the decline accelerated over autumn and winter of 2017. I don’t know if there was a trigger behind that, I guess mental health doesn’t need a reason. I didn’t know how to deal with the way I felt, I lashed out and fell out with Imogen, which hit me hard. We didn’t talk at all for three months. Before this period, I had often thought that things would be so much easier if I was dead, but my thoughts had never progressed beyond that. Now, it became more active. I actually wanted to die. I stopped looking when I crossed the road, I stopped looking after my physical health at all. Fears about hurting my mum were the only thing stopping me from taking it further. But, I finally stopped binge eating, so disinterested in life that even the that no longer made me feel better.

My mental state didn’t take a turn for the better, but I grew used to these new feelings and started to process them properly. I got better at pushing them out, but I did eventually decide to tell my parents about my diagnoses. My mum was very supportive, she still is, my dad not so (although I probably should’ve expected that). I made up with Imogen, my behaviour started to normalise. I felt so free from my old bingeing habit, it had only been a few months but it felt like a lifetime ago.

In February 2018, my mum told me that she’d be moving to Yorkshire. She’d been forced by her job to take early retirement due to ill health, she was only 50 at the time, and wanted to live somewhere cheaper so she could save on living costs and pay off her mortgage. I was scared, and considered for a time moving in with my grandparents so that I could stay in a place where I knew people, but eventually decided that I’d move with my mum. Still, despite the biggest change ever to happen in my life, I managed to avoid a return to my binge eating habit. I’m still not sure how. Perhaps now that the habit was broken it no longer had the hold over me that it once did.

And then, around March 2018, my dad gave me £500. To this day I still have no idea why, I guess guilt. But it was so much more money than I’d ever had. The temptation not to spend any of it on food was too great. I decided to treat myself, I’d spend £100 on food and put the rest in my savings.

By the time I finished college at the beginning of June, the entire £500 was gone, at least £450 of it spent on food. I still remember the binge I had the day after me and mum moved out of our old home and in with my grandparents, who we lived with for seven weeks before going to Yorkshire. My mental state declined still further, and I wasted most of those weeks in bed, not having the energy to do anything. I kicked myself later for not using it to spend time with the friends I was leaving behind.

After we moved to Yorkshire in August, I spent two of the worst months of my life. My old feelings of loneliness resurfaced, not helped by the fact that one of my closest friends just stopped talking to me. I seemed to alternate between binge eating, my binges even bigger than they ever had been, and hardly eating at all.

But, eventually, I managed to settle in. I got a job, I made new friends. I didn’t make a conscious decision to stop binge eating again, it just happened. I wasn’t lonely anymore, but my mental state didn’t seem to get any better. But, I had healthier ways of coping and I didn’t need to binge as an outlet for my feelings anymore. In September 2019, I started uni, and I finally felt like my life had a purpose.

Now, I have more and better friends than I ever had. I’m glad I made the move to Yorkshire, where I live now is much nicer where I grew up and if I hadn’t made the move there are so many amazing people I wouldn’t have met. Most of my friends are aware of my mental health issues, although I rarely discuss them in detail.

However, only one of my friends is aware of my eating disorder. I didn’t realise until last year that binge eating was classified as an eating disorder. I’m not quite sure why, but this discovery prompted me to finally confide in my oldest friend, Imogen. She was very supportive and understanding, and I know my other friends would be, but it’s still something where I look back and I’m like ‘woah that actually happened’. Putting it out of my mind as much as possible has been my way of coping with the fact that it did happen. I have been slightly more open online that I have irl about the fact that I had an eating disorder, but this is the first time I have discussed it this in depth with anyone.

I’m going to say now what I wish preteen and teen me had known: you are not alone. Whether you’re suffering from an eating disorder, from mental health issues, or from something else, you are not alone. I can’t say truthfully that I have never regretted confiding in someone, but the majority of the time it has helped me, even in a small way. Please talk to someone if you have an eating disorder, be it a friend, a family member, a GP, a teacher, even me. It is nothing to be ashamed of.

I stopped binge eating as a regular habit at the start of winter 2018. Although I relapsed a couple times last year, it’s been twelve months and counting since my last binge.

#shut up ange #please everyone remember that no matter what you’re going through #you are not alone #find later

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ningningsdream · 4 years

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gone | n.jaemin

Pairing: jaemin x reader

Genre: fluff, angst ( more sad )

Word count: 4.1k

Summary: in which jaemin lost his best friend and you seem to run into him a lot. grieving is a really complex process, maybe you can help him through it.

Warning(s): mention of death and suicide (i have a pov on suicide that can be controversial (?) i hope i am not offending or triggering any one)

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jaemin cried that night, he cried all the tears in his body, he blamed himself for what happened and he didn’t know if he could forgive himself one day.

that night, him and his best friend were hanging out at his dorm pretty late and when the time came for her to go home, jaemin walked her to the bus stop, asking her if she wanted him to take the bus with her but she denied saying, “you’re not going to take the bus with me and immediately take another bus back, plus it’s late so there will probably be no bus for you to come back.”

“are you sure?”

“yes, i’m going to be fine, don’t worry.”, she said but something was still bothering him. something in his guts was telling him to not let her leave but her sweet smile and words convinced him to let her step into that bus.

letting her go that night was the worst mistake of his life.

“forty-five minutes ago, two buses crashed into each other, creating a large commotion in the middle of the road. we actually don’t know what caused it and how many people were in each bus but some victims have already been brought to the hospital…”, the journalist’s voice coming from the hospital’s tv became more and more distant to jaemin as he sat on the waiting room’s chair with his best friend’s family.

jaemin eyes’ immediately shot up as he heard a doctor call for his best friend’s family, “we are really sorry, the blood loss was too important and one of her vital organs was stabbed. we tried our best but it wasn’t enough, we are deeply sorry for your loss.”

jaemin still remembered her mom’s cries, he still remembered how her father came to him and told him that it wasn’t his fault, he still remembered how he felt his heart drop in his stomach, he lost her…

the funeral happened a few days later, jaemin just felt numb during the entirety of it until he had to make his speech. Standing there and talking about his deceased best friend, made everything more real, she was gone and he was there. he hated it. he stopped himself, feeling the emotions coming back, “i’m sorry, i can’t do this…”, jaemin ran away from the situation, he ran away from the funeral, he ran away not wanting to accept the fact that his best friend was gone forever.

ever since, jaemin was not the same anymore, he talked less, his smile disappeared, he didn’t go out at all. even months after his best friends’ death he could never forget about her. in college, people started to talk about the accident and many looked at jaemin in pity every time they saw him. he became ‘the guy who lost his best friend in the tragic bus accident’.

you, you were a normal student at SM University, one day you were running late for your first-morning class, you probably shouldn’t have let your friend dragged you to that party last night, especially because you hated parties but since you didn’t want her to go on her own you accepted to come with her which resulted in you carrying her back to your shared dorm at three in the morning because she was too drunk. you were too focused on balancing the books and notebooks in your arms that you didn’t notice that you were running straight into someone until it was too late.

“oh my god i am so sorry.”, you apologized as you tried to gather your things on the ground.

“it’s okay.”, the guy answered as he handed you your notebooks before walking away.

you’ve never seen him before but you would lie if you said you didn’t find him attractive. you ran to your class, making it just in time.

the next day in your literature class, you were just zoning out, looking around the auditorium. your eyes landed on the guy you bumped into the day before, how come you’ve never noticed him?

the day after that one, you walked into literature class with two cups of iced coffee in your hands. you walked to the guy you didn’t even know the name of and put it on his table, “ hey, uhm…sorry for bumping into you the other day, take this as an official apology. i didn’t know what you usually order so i just ordered a normal iced americano coffee. i hope it’s okay. have a good day.”, you smiled before walking to your original seat next to your best friend.

“what was that?”, she asked you as soon as you sat down.

“what was what?”

“how do you know na jaemin?”

“who?”

“the guy you just gave a free coffee to?”

“oh i don’t know him. i just ran into him like literally bumped into him full speed the other day because i was late.”, you explained to her.

her eyes looked at jaemin with a sad expression on her face, “i kind of feel bad for him…”

“why?”, you asked, confused by her statement.

“you don’t know?”

“know what?”, you asked her even more confused now.

“remember the bus accident a few months ago?”, she reminded you and you nodded, telling her to continue, “his best friend was one of the victims.”

your eyebrows raised in shock. the feeling of losing a best friend just in the blink of an eye was terrible and you knew how it felt all too well.

“come on, jaemin, let’s go, this once, pleaseeee!!!”, donghyuck, jaemin’s friend pleaded him.

“no, i don’t want to. just go with renjun.”, jaemin answered with his usual tone.

“jaemin-aaah, please!!”, donghyuck pleaded again, pushing and pulling jaemin’s arm with a pout on his face.

“jaemin-ah please, you also need to go out for a bit. we understand that you need time but it’s been long enough for you to at least step out of here to go somewhere else than uni, don’t you think?”, renjun wisely said to jaemin.

jaemin sighed and finally gave in to it, “fine, i’ll come.”

that was how he found himself in a frat house party with drunk people all over the place, slowly regretting his decision. he went into the kitchen to grab a drink and didn’t even take the first sip that a girl already started to flirt with him. he tried to tell her that he wasn’t interested but she was persistent. he finally got rid of her by quickly loosing her in the crowd of people dancing. jaemin was never really fond of parties, he much rather stay at home but he had been doing that for the past few months and would still be in his bed if it wasn’t for renjun and donghyuck. The two boys had been helping him ever since that night, it hurt them to see their roommate and friend like that.

jaemin made his way upstairs trying to find a peaceful place to stay until his friends wanted to go home. he opened a few doors being cursed with images that he didn’t need to see before spotting a balcony behind glass doors. there was already someone on it though. there goes his chance to be at peace, he thought until the person turned sideways and he recognized the girl who bumped into him and gave him a free coffee afterward.

he hesitated, not knowing if he should go talk to her or not because he really didn’t want to go back to the party or take his chance on one of those rooms again. he took a deep breath and opened the door, coming out on the balcony, “hey, uhm, sorry for disturbing your peace.”

“it’s okay, jaemin? right?”, you asked a little surprised by his presence, “i’m y/n.”

“nice to meet you, properly.”, jaemin replied, leaning on the railing of the balcony next to you.

“how are you enjoying this party?”, you asked looking at the night sky and buildings in front of you.

“i’m not really a party guy.”

“yeah i feel you, parties are not really my things. people are too loud.”

“it sure is hard to find a quiet place with a party going on.”

“did you ran into the ‘couples’ in the rooms?”

“yeah…i regret coming, i’ve seen…things that i wish i didn’t.”, he said, shuddering at the unwanted memories.

you started laughing, a hand in front of your mouth, “noob, rule number one to ‘finding a quiet place during a party’: don’t even try to find an empty room, there’s none, i learned that the hard way. there are too many butts that i can’t wipe off of my memor-”, you were interrupted by a really really loud moan, coming from one of the rooms.

jaemin and you looked at each other with wide eyes before bursting out laughing. that was the first time he truly smiled after a long time and it felt good. you two kept talking about yourselves, college, your friends…it was a pretty good late-night conversation type of things and jaemin enjoyed it a lot even though he didn’t realized it yet.

the next few days, you and jaemin coincidentally ran into each other more often, at the coffee shop, in the hallway, and especially when you were late. your clumsy self would always either make something fall or just trip on thin air but jaemin was always there, almost seemed like fate.

your many encounters had naturally made you and jaemin closer, he sat next to you and your best friend now in literature, you ordered your coffee together and hung out with each other. your friend group and jaemin’s naturally started to hang out together too, you all becoming one ‘big’ group of friends.

jaemin was more and more outgoing, he would crack a smile from time to time, he was doing better…but was he okay? not all the time. he had his moments of break down and he would think about her again. every time it happened, he would shut everyone out. one day, your group of friends was all supposed to hang out but as the boys joined you and the other girls, you didn’t see jaemin with them and when you asked them about him they just told you that he wasn’t feeling well. you didn’t think much of it at first but when the next morning you saw jaemin with slightly puffy eyes barely noticeable, you knew he had been crying the night before.

the second time it happened you didn’t let it slide. you told renjun and donghyuck that you were going to see jaemin, leaving the two with the rest of the group. donghyuck tried to stop you at first but renjun told him to let you try.

as you entered jaemin,donghyuck and renjun’s dorm, you quietly removed your shoes and looked for jaemin’s room. you pressed your ears to each door, trying to figure out which one was jaemin’s room. you knew it was the one when you heard soft sniffles from the other side. you gently knocked on it and waited for an answer, “go away,renjun. i don’t want to talk about it.”

“not renjun, sorry to disappoint you.”, you gently said, opening the door and slipping into the room. you saw jaemin sitting on his bed, arms hugging his knees to his chest and head in them. you removed your jacket and put it on his desk chair as he glanced at you for a few seconds before burying his head in his arms again. it broke your heart to see him like that. you slowly made your way to his bed, not wanting to invade his space too much, and sat next to him. you wondered what to do for a moment, not wanting to cross any boundaries. you didn’t really know how to verbally comfort someone, you were more of a physical comforter so you ran your hand through his hair gently. it seemed to calm him down as a few minutes later, he raised his head and put his chin on his arms, looking at you with bloodshot eyes. you gave him a soft smile and said, “want a hug?”, you opened your arms and he surprisingly accepted. it felt weird to hug jaemin like that, not a bad weird but a good weird. you’ve hug jaemin before but those hugs were more of a quick see-you-later hug while this hug right now was long and meaningful. your hug quickly turned into a cuddling session as you lied under his covers with his head snuggling in the crook of your neck, his arms around your waist and one of your hands brushing through his hair, lulling him to sleep.

after that event, you spent more time at their dorm and you and jaemin would hang out together when the others went out partying. your movie nights became a casual week thing. even if the others weren’t going out, movie nights were still going on because jaemin will throw a fit if you canceled movie night.

jaemin began to smile a lot more and became more and more clingy like he used to be which didn’t go unnoticed by donghyuck and renjun. his friends were glad to see him slowly being himself again and they knew that they’d have to thank you for that. his breakdowns were less and less frequent but you would sometimes find yourself cuddling with him his bed for no reason at all. you even spent some nights there, nothing dirty though, i see yall dirty minds and renjun and donghyuck were thinking the same when they saw you one morning, coming out of jaemin’s room in one of his shirts with no pants on. in reality, you just needed something to sleep in and you hated wearing pants when you were sleeping. their misunderstanding made you and jaemin laugh but you couldn’t deny the way your heart beat faster around him.

you thought everything was going to be fine until one friday. jaemin wasn’t at the coffee shop, neither was he in literature. he wasn’t answering any of your text or calls. you started to worry, a lot. when you ran into renjun and donghyuck after your classes you asked them where jaemin was. they gave each other a look before one of them said, “he isn’t…feeling well today…”

“is he sick or something?”

“no, it’s…something else.”, donghyuck answered, trying to not spill to much.

based on the look on their face, you knew what was happening so you ran to their dorm. you were right, jaemin was curled up on his bed as you heard soft cries coming from him. you put your jacket on his desk chair as usual and slipped under his covers, back hugging him. you didn’t want to say anything until he was ready to talk.

“her birthday…it’s tomorrow.”, jaemin managed to say after some time, “she should have been there still. i shouldn’t have let her go on that bus. it’s my fault.”

“it’s not your fault.”, you said, giving him a kiss on his shoulder.

jaemin turned around and looked at you with his puffy eyes, “don’t say that, everyone has been telling me that but you’re all wrong. i could’ve done something. i shouldn’t have let her go on that bus in the first place.”

“listen to me jaemin. you didn’t know what was going to happen okay? it is not your fault. it was an accident, something that you couldn’t control. i know how you feel right now but it’s not going to bring her back.”

“don’t talk like you know how i feel.”

“trust me, i know.”, jaemin tried to decipher your expression in no vail.

you turned on your back and looked at the ceiling. there it was. the conversation you knew you two were going to have sooner or later, “more than a year and a half ago now, my childhood best friend killed himself…”, the words left a dry feeling in your throat. jaemin felt the waves of emotions taking over you and took your hand in comfort, “his life was…complicated and…messy. added to the anxiety and stress of college life, along with the pressure of society he couldn’t take it anymore.”, you gulped, holding back your tears. it’s been so long since you’ve talked about him. no one really knew about it since you didn’t really like talking about him, “i blamed myself a lot after that, i thought i could’ve been a better friend, that i could’ve done something to prevent it. after that, all i did was staying in bed, crying, barely eating and talking. almost had to repeat my first year of college. i was a mess.”

“how-”, he said, trying to find the right words.

“-did i not end my life after that?”, you finished for him pretty bluntly, “one day, i got my ass out of my bed and looked into the mirror. the person i became was the complete opposite of who i am, i was unrecognizable but i asked myself: what was the point of this? of me, crying my heart out every night? he was gone forever and i couldn’t change that. i realized that he wouldn’t want that for me, he wouldn’t want me to waste my life like this. he didn’t get to live his life to the fullest so i decided that i was going to do this for him, for the both of us. the world failed him but i won’t let it fail me too.”, you pursed your lips, your tears threatening to fall, “he did it for a reason, he couldn’t handle life anymore and i get it, he must be happier wherever he is. i just regret that i wasn’t able to give him a good reason enough to stay, that i wasn’t a good reason enough.”

jaemin put his arms around you, bringing your face in the crook of his neck. your heavy tears rolled down your cheeks but you held yourself back from crying, not knowing if you could stop if you let yourself go, “you’re going to be okay jaemin, it may take some time but you’ll be okay.”, you sniffed, wrapping your arms around him. jaemin pulled back from the hug to grab your face. he wiped your remaining tears away with his thumbs as you gave him a soft smile. he looked at you for a few seconds with that look on his face that you couldn’t quite decipher and gave you a peck on the forehead.

the next day, you brought jaemin to the columbarium, where the ashes of his best friend were. you knew that thanks to renjun and donghyuck.

“you ready?”, you asked, looking at jaemin and he nodded. you followed jaemin until he stopped in front of one of the columbarium walls, he looked at one of the squares where were his best friend’s ashes along with multiples pictures of her and her family, even a few of him and her. jaemin smiled nostalgically at the pictures and said, “how are you little one? i hope you’re happy wherever you are, celebrating your birthday maybe.”, jaemin reached out to grab your hand, “i brought a friend, i hope you don’t mind. i miss you. let’s meet in our next life, huh?”

you smiled at him as he turned to look at you, “let’s go get ice cream.”, he said, giving you a little smile.

“i want to show you something first.”, you said, before walking away, tugging on his hand. you stopped in front of another wall, pointing at one square saying, “this was my best friend.”, you looked at his pictures in which he always harbored his famous eye-smile, “look dumbass, i brought a friend.”, you said, lifting your hand holding jaemin’s, “it’s his best friend’s birthday today. if you run into her please make her have a great birthday.”, jaemin looked at you as you talked and found himself smiling fondly of you.

you two went to get ice cream after that and jaemin knew that being with you that particular day made it so much better than it would’ve been if he was alone.

as the days passed by, you noticed jaemin making an effort to get better each and each day. you would lie if you said that you didn’t fell for him harder and harder but you didn’t know if he felt the same way.

“where are you going?”, you asked, cuddling in between jaemin’s covers.

“blind date.”, he sighed, looking at himself in the mirror.

ouch. there goes your chance of him liking you back.

“mmh enjoy.”, jaemin noticed the sarcasm in your voice as it was obvious that you didn’t the idea at all which made him chuckle.

jaemin walked to his bed, and cupped your cheeks in his hands, “don’t worry, i’m going to buy some snacks on the way back and we can still have our movie night.”, he pecked your forehead before walking out of his room.

jaemin was literally dying during the blind date. he only agreed because donghyuck begged him to come. all because donghyuck’s crush was going to be there and it was his only chance. jaemin regretted it now. he would much rather spend his time with you doing absolutely nothing than being there right now. he was more than relief when it ended, he got to get back to you. lately, he found himself longing for the little moments he spent with you. college life was overwhelming and a complete hassle. he only got to see you on movie nights so donghyuck really owed him big time.

as jaemin opened the door of his bedroom, he saw your sleeping figure, cuddling in his covers, his eyes immediately softened at the view. oh boy, was he whipped. he removed his leather jacket and put it on his desk chair. he slipped under the covers, next to you and wrapped his arms around you. you were brought out of your slumber by sudden moves next to you. the familiar scent relaxing your body as you melted into jaemin’s arms, “bad date huh?”, you whispered with a sleepy voice.

“how did you know?”

“you wouldn’t be cuddling another girl if it went well.”

“you’re not just another girl.”, jaemin said, holding you closer to him. you couldn’t hide your smile and you were glad he couldn’t see your face because this boy is making you feel things.

you sat up, slightly hovering over jaemin, “well movie night? what are we watching?”

jaemin propped himself on his elbows, his face suddenly closer to yours, “i was thinking about doing something…”, his fingers brushed the hair in front of your face, tugging it behind your ear, “…else.”, his hand lingered on your jawline then your chin and his thumb brushed against your lips. his eyes glancing from your lips your eyes.

he gulped as you leaned in, stopping at just a few millimeters away from his lips, “something else?”

jaemin was the one to finally close the space between the two of you, your eyes immediately close as your heart started beating really fast. your lips moved together, slowly and gently. jaemin’s hand brushed against your cheek and hair, deepening the kiss. you pulled away for air, pressing your forehead against his, “i- oh-”, you were interrupted by jaemin pulling you his lap as he sat up, “-okay. hey.”, you smiled at him, your hands resting on his shoulders as his were on your waist. you never thought that one day you’d be straddling jaemin in his bed after he went on a bad blind date but you weren’t complaining, “well if you do that every time you come back from a bad date i wouldn’t be against it.”

“mmmh i don’t think i’m going to go on any blind dates anytime soon.”, he said, getting closer to you, face a few centimeters away from yours.

“and why’s that?”, you smirked, sneaking your arms around his neck.

“i think i got all i need right here.”, he said, leaning in to kiss you again. you smiled during the kiss as you ran your hands in his hair, pulling on it slightly, earning a moan from him. the kiss was rougher but still caring, more intense as if you two were waiting for it to happen for a long time.

you pulled away, both of you breathing a bit heavily, “even though this is really…entertaining. movie night is still happening.”, you smiled, making him chuckle.

“first, go on a date with me, please?”, jaemin looked at you with his puppy eyes and lips pouting slightly.

“hmmm, i’ll think about it.”, you smirked, quickly getting off his lap and running away to the living room.

it took some time for jaemin to register your answer and when he finally did, you were already on your feet, running out of his room, “HEY Y/L/N Y/N!!!”, he shouted, running after you with a smile on his face.

#nct dream #nct dream scenarios #nct dream imagines #nct #nct scenarios #nct imagines #na jaemin #na jaemin scenarios #na jaemin imagines #na jaemin drabbles #na jaemin timestamps #nct jaemin #nct dream jaemin #jaemin

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kendrixtermina · 4 years

Text

Now here's an all new theory for where the procrastination comes from

Like the uni councilors thought of like generic selfhate insecurity or like spineless ppl pleasing (nope an anime cured me of that when I was 13 - thst sounded more like what that ladys own problems might be), fear or failure & wanting to spite my father, eveb that getting ahead through "talent" was an unfair advantage bad tainted and evil, or that "talent" meant being beholden and controlled by others (definitely somewhat right - we worked on that, it helped, the second guy was defs much much more helpful & compatible cause he focussed a lot more on strategies than wannabe-maternal pep talks) but there was always something else there that wasnt getting touched

In tje end I dont think I have talent and in any case what really matters is attitude toward "living the examined life" for example whst you do. What you notice.

Now I did notice that things get harder to do precisely because I actually want them(whereas a lot of ppl get distracted from stuff because they dont really want it) - at the same time I can totally function or pick up new habits in day to day life its not like I have some "hardware problem" like, say, ADHD or the like.

Like of course its some emotional knot it couldnt be anything else but I feel they didnt identify what kind of knot? Certainly not that first lady. If im trying to get clarity and you give me reassuring pep talks you just freak me out more for the love of god tell me whats happening. Nothing worse when a Doctor says "it will be over soon" rather than explain the procedure

Fear of/ distraction from wanting itself never really occured to me thats not a common stereotypical fear that ppl talk about.

Let me get this straight I never thought I was better than anyone I knew very well that I'm not. I thought of both those things as ways not to get bullied, maybe get somewhere where I feel that im in the right place.

If I look back at really breaking experiences it was times I really really wanted something and then I couldnt do it or some outside party stepped on my fingers. That Tori Amos Music Video where she escapes from a psycho killer's trunk and then the passerby's dont help her? That was my most favorite music video in the world for years maybe still is.

Like I was told I could maybe skip third grade and I poured all my energy and passion and strenght into that everything I had to do well, make friends with the new class i was so highly motivated I aced all the exams I felt so happy & fulfilled just being in thst flow state all the time... i wanted this more than anything. Maybe it was the first time I really wanted something beyond vague dreams or base desires. But the homeroom teacher hated my guts and put the kibosh on that; Probably because I was unwittingly repeating some of the artogant classist shit my father spouts without realizing how hurtful it is. my parents thought it wasnt worth going to the higher ups for that but having to essentially redo 4th grade in a crap school in the different town we moved to was one of the worst times of my life. Also I didnt find out that the teacher had hated me/acted in a petty way until years after I thought I just failed. That there was a possible place I could have belonged but turns out I really belong nowhere after all.

All my effort was for nothing. It was such a joy - i mean these days even getting code to work or solving math problems has that same joy - but all that effort and joy and wanting did was that... im tearing up and searching for the words to even process this tbh. I think I denied that joy, told myself that I was just a stupud kid thinking I was a special snowflake. It didnt even matter.

Rather than insist on staying up late to make sure my homework was done I just stopped caring and hardly did another piece of homework in my life just faking it on the spot or coasting through. It could have gone another way maybe if it werent for the bullies and my father the chief bully or if only I was more determined but it was like "okay I dont care anymore I just dont care" and I think thats stayed my default response to dissapointment to this day.

This TV show didnt turn out like I wanted? I dont care its just a tv show.

My father treated be with hatred all my life? Its okay I dont care about him and I dont want his love anyway.

Like there were other times when I thought I could be happy.

Like I really wanted to go to this boarding school for gifted kids. Again I thought maybe incorrectly that this would be a place where I can belong and not be bullied it was never about being better than anyone.

Again I wanted it I clamored and cried and made noise nonstop. Maybe I still hadnt wholly lost contact with willpower back then. I still thought of myself as strong willed.

And my father made me regret it. It was around the same time that mom briefly considered divorce maybe I was just the stress valve. Or he took it personally as wanting to get away from him. Duh he abused me of course I wanted away from him. He was such a suffocating control freak! Mom said yes first then he spoke to her and suddenly she followed everything he said. Thats when I really realized how emotionally manipulative was how abusive... i mean one of my first conscious memories of him is thinking "oh crap I will be just like cinderella" but he really laid it on so thick so transparently even a 10 year old could tell its manipulation. If you do this you dont love your mom. If you do this you dont love your siblings. If you dont obey me your mom will kill herself. No she wont you jerk even my 2 year old self could tell youre abusive.

The most cruel thing he did was briefly say yes. Again I got so happy. So invested. Just bending all I was towards that even though he bombarded me with abuse and mental torture.

And then on the day we were supposed to leave he said no youre not going.

Maybe I actually did say I didnt want to go because of one time he was doing this constant scientology type torture on me

That same reaction: "I dont want it I dont want anything so please please let me be"

Ppl think of bad childhoods as a game that you win if yoz turn 18 -or 28 maybe - without killing yourself. But its not. Every year you live it can take away from your potential. Every day less than you have to live it

He sure didnt let me have sucess with his overcontrol and abuse. Anything I was proud of he rules. When I graduated from school with a fairly good but not perfevt final score he humiliated me. When I turned 18 he humiliated me. Everything I did was a burden even just feeding and washing me. Hed give me unwanted white elephant gifts then bitch about how giving them to me ruined his life cause he had to work so muxh "Ingrate Ingrate Ingrate" Butch I never asked for anything I want nothing!

But as I had to eat I did in fact have to ask things of him and I hated it so much.

No wonder that I turned out afraid of wanting things eh?

Hed seen some poster when we went to see tje school I wanted to go to - not by the school by an individual student - about the history of abortion portrayed in a positive way or at least that was his official reason why I couldnt go. Again I had wanted something badly with all my being and again all my being availed nothing. Irrelevant like I didnt exist. All my screaming gone unheard.

And this is so silly cause im not a child anymore I have control and if I were to stop procrastinating I could have money and gave even more control.

I havent even spoken to him in years now hes no longer relevant. Its not about him its about thus bad pattern I picked up.

I like how this books handles it with the idea that certain experiences dont create the type but that it nakes you uniquely suceotible to certain kinds of hurt or certain misunderstandings.

Because with all this discourse about bad message free media ive really come to think that while it can and should be minimized its not possible to eradicate cause human mibds are so quicl so fallible to extract overgeneralizations and make it mean something abput themselves

Like an immature statistical learning model easily overtrained by noisy data.

Another time I was nearly happy was when I started looking for work, doing my thesis...

Same pattern I was engaged, happy to be engaged talking to ppl at both work and in the uni work group loving it all so much...

my life had started to feel meaningful again. And it had gotten to that point in part because of my ex-fiance. Yes the councelling heloed taking up meditation helped, getting high on morning glory that one time helped a whole lot got more self esteem from that than I ever got from my father.

But that all started because of my ex fiance.

He was an i tellectual type and he had a sense of purpose about him like hes a legendary character and everyone around him became legendary too. And he found me useful! Others had called me "walking dictionary" with mockery and scorn he called me his google and it meant love and admiration. Maybe I got a bit of an ego trip off of tjat but I also really stupidly dumbtastically loved him I bragged of him to anyobe who listened everything he did seemed fascinating abd interesting and meaningful, but also I just loved the sweet gentle warmth of being next to him in the morning. Once again I was happy and everything was joyful even when it was hard, I felt strong and meaningful and useful and I let myself openly want things.

And then it all blew up. Worse yet i was so mistaken abozt him it really shook my confidence in my own judgement or any sense of clarity. I was si confused during the fucking breakup like I hadnt been since I left my father's house.

Google hah! More like his personal Alexa! It turns out he didnt respect or like me at all.

I couldnt even be sad or angry cause it was all my mistake. The one feeling I allowed - and even that took me weeks to identify - is dissapointment. Heavy leaden dissapointment i didnt even kniw that was a feeling you could feel so strongly. I didnt even do anything wrong you have to open yourself to have love. He could habe choosen to love me he just simply didnt. He probably thought he did but he wouldnt evebn do something as simple as not make fun of my voice or clean when I am sick.

Once he started putting me in the "wife" role he just became unable to see me. His loss really cause I think he wanted to keep me from all those annoying texts and email he had the nerve to write.

By all means I was right to trust but also right to leave later but still my sense of certainty and purpose and meaning was totally shaken. He did the sort of romantic stuff I didnt think was real. I knew I loved him when we had this conversation about water on mars. He got me the perfect books for my birthday! He said I was pretty and a genius and looked just like an actress. He got me this titanic esque heart pendant with stars. We were stuck at midnight in a train station that one time and he pulled out a picnic rug two plastic glasses and a shampain bottle. It never worked out but he said he might take me to see the LHC! I really thought we would be buried in the same hole folks!. He had read that same steven Hawkings book that I loved. One of the rather few books he actually read as I would find. Sigh.

And I fell right back into that same old pattern. Dont care about anything dont want anything it would be stuoid unrealistic and silly to want.

When I first came to uni I also had this feeling of hapiness and belongingness and wanting, I was putting in an effort, talking to ppl more.. and when things went wrong the slightest bit I pulled by hand back from that like from an open flame.

And here I am years later most the sucess or contact I get is comments on my fanfictions.

I thought I was doing that, or drawing, because its Stakes/Evaluation-free (going by the fear of failure theory) or because at least with the ffs gratification/payoff for effort is immediate compared to original stuff or uni work. Its a nice little niche at least.

I mean I do care about it its not "just" distraction but maybe ive been profaning it in that way... and so etimes I dont even do that and go for full unadulterated undebatable distraction; Line to 7 I guess. Tje only reason I spoke face to face to anyone else than the delivery guy this week is that I had some doctors appointments.

But not its distraction from stuff Im too lazy to do or even from pressure like I always thought. But from wanting things.

So the original fiction went great while it was a distraction from school not so much when its one of the things I most want and actually have the time to do it.

Even thought thats the most practiced skill I have that I never stopped working on since I was 10. 🤦‍♀️

I mean they already explained that its basically like meditation. Or weeds. Or popup ads. Youve got to click them away as they pop up.

I always told myself thst I didnt have to be happy... and thats not even untrue actually but it would sure be neat to be happy again one of these days.

#enneagram #enneagram type 5 #feelings #enneagram 5w4 #5w4

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