#i normally dislike time jumps because they’re literally just a cop out

[paradisobound]

I Want It, I Got It: Chapter 21

Summary: Phil Lester was a worker for the BBC in London. Working in the advertising department, he was content being alongside his friend and fellow coworker PJ during every shift. However, the BBC is temporarily being used as a film set for a new movie staring Hollywood ‘It’ star, Daniel Howell. Being stuck as an extra on the set, Phil finds it’s hard to ignore the famous star. And maybe, just maybe, Dan finds it hard to ignore Phil as well.

Word Count: 4k (this chapter)

Warnings: Occasional swearing and explicit sexual content 

Rating: Explicit 

Updates will be every Sunday around 1pm EST

**MASTERLIST | READ ON AO3 | WATTPAD**

“I leave tomorrow.” 

“I know.” 

They’re sat next to Dan’s pool, the sun burning down onto them. It was hotter than Phil was expecting for a mid March day but he wasn’t going to complain since London is way colder. 

“I don’t want to leave.” 

Dan turns on his side on the lounge chair and lets out a slow smile. “I don’t want you to go either.” 

“I wish Louise gave me more time off than just a week.” 

“You should just quit…” Dan says. “And then stay here with me for a while and then we can go back to London and…” 

“I can’t.” Phil says. “I can’t quit the BBC.” 

“Well, I know that.” Dan says. “But I wish we could spend more time together.” 

“We’ll just have to make up for it today.” 

Dan let out a laugh and sat up in his chair, throwing off the tank top he was wearing and letting it land on the side of his chair. “Let’s go swimming.” 

Suddenly, Dan was pushing down his shorts and was stood naked on the edge of the pool. Phil sputtered but sat up slowly as Dan jumped into the pool and submerged himself before coming up to the side and pushing his water slicked curls off from his face. “You coming?” 

“Like skinny dip?” 

Dan nodded. 

Phil stood up from the chair and slowly undressed, still feeling a bit insecure at being so out in the open. He’s never done something like this before but there was something about Dan that was made him do things he wouldn’t normally do. 

He walked to the edge and slowly jumped in, feeling the cool water hit his skin. He swam his way back up to the surface and was met by Dan laughing at him. 

“What type of jump was that, old man?” 

“Old man?” Phil teased. “I’m not that much older than you.” 

“Hmmm?” Dan said, swimming over to Phil and wrapping his arms around Phil’s neck. “Maybe you’ve been lying about your age to me?” 

Phil scoffed. “Maybe you have been?” 

“Oh you’re right. I’m really a 53 year old undercover cop.” 

Phil threw his head back and let out laugh. “I would never believe that one.” 

Dan pouted. “Oh am I not manly enough to be 53 and a cop?” 

“Sorry, baby, but no.” 

Phil doesn’t know where the pet name came from but he watched Dan’s face for any signs of discomfort or just general dislike. But instead, Dan’s face lit up and his lips went back into the curve of a smile. “Oh, so I’m ‘baby’ now?” 

“If you like it?” 

Dan snorted. “It’s a tad bit cheesy but I’ll allow it.” He paused. “As long as I get to call you old man.” 

Phil let out a loud laugh and pushed away from Dan to splash him. 

Phil doesn’t know how long they spent in the pool but majority of their time was spent splashing each other and messing around until Dan complained that he was hungry and wanted to go get food. 

They both dried off and redressed in Dan’s room before Dan called for a driver to take them downtown to this place that Dan said he was craving food from in this place called The Grove. 

Phil thought that they were going to just grab food and leave like they had the other night but Dan insisted that he wanted to dine in and not take the food back to his house again. 

Phil was a bit unsure of this but he went with it anyway. 

Phil didn’t catch the place they walked in to but Dan just flashed him a smile before he went up to the hostess, who nearly fainted when she saw him, and requested a table for two. 

They were sat down in this very private corner of the restaurant and given the menus and Phil felt a bit uneasy at how literally every face in the place was turned and staring at Dan, who was sat away from them. 

“Just ignore them.” Dan mumbled, looking down at his menu. “They’re probably going to come and all ask for picture so it’s easier to ignore them right now―.” 

“Dan!” 

A group of teenage girls came running over to their table and stood beside it as Dan jumped and Phil just sat trying to ignore them. 

“Can we get pictures with you?” 

Dan let out a fake smile, Phil could tell, and then stood up slowly and took a few photos with them. He sat back down and Phil could see him pulling the hood of his sweatshirt up a bit more around his neck, almost as if to hide himself. 

“Are you okay?” 

Dan looked up and nodded slowly before he turned his head to look over his shoulder. “Let’s get our food to go.” Dan said softly. “Can you take my order up to the hostess?” 

Dan pointed out this chicken sandwich on the menu and Phil took a mental note of it as Dan put his hood up and walked out of the restaurant. He moved slowly, picking up the menus, feeling a deep pang of sadness in his chest. Dan shouldn’t have to completely leave a restaurant because he doesn’t feel comfortable it. That’s just not how it should be. 

Dan should feel free to eat wherever he wants. 

Phil went up to the hostess and asked to get a couple of order to go. She took his order and then as he stood back and waited, he went on Twitter to check out what was happening since he hadn’t been on in a while and already, TMZ was hosting a Twitter moment. 

DANIEL HOWELL SPOTTED WITH YOUTUBER PHIL LESTER IN THE GROVE IN LOS ANGELES OUT TO LUNCH 

Phil felt like he was going to be sick. His appetite for his food was already gone and he really didn’t even want to pick up the food anymore. 

His order was done soon enough and he walking out with the bag. Dan was stood off to the side, his hood up and a pair of sunglasses covering his eyes again. Phil walked over to him and Dan lowered them slowly. His eyes looked sad, and discouraged. “I just thought maybe it would be fine to go to lunch but…Twitter already has photos of us.” 

“I saw.” 

Dan let out a loud sigh. “I just wanted to go to lunch, Phil. But this is what I mean. I can’t go anywhere without people staring at me and taking photos of me. I can’t go anywhere without having people coming up to me. I can’t go anywhere without people sending my photos to TMZ.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

Dan shrugs. “There’s nothing you can do.” He says softly. “But my driver is picking us back up so let’s just go find him.” 

Phil wanted to protest. He wanted to give Dan his food and then find somewhere to eat where there weren’t many people, but still out in the sun. And he wanted to watch Dan’s skin become sun kissed, glowing in the rays. 

“Why don’t we go and find a secluded place to eat instead?” 

Dan looked up from the ground and looked at him. “What?” 

“Come on, let’s go and find a place to eat by ourselves.” 

Phil went to reach for Dan’s hand but he soon realized he definitely could not take his hand in his. Phil immediately stopped the movement of his hand and put it back to his side. 

“That’s not a good idea, Phil.” Dan whispered, his voice a bit on edge. “We’re still going to be spotted.” 

“There isn’t much we can do though, right?” Phil pressed. “So come on, let’s go and enjoy our food like how we were going to.” He paused and bit his lip. 

Phil was expecting Dan to protest harder, tell Phil that he wouldn’t do it. But instead, Dan looked around and then looked back at Phil. “I think there is a sitting area around here.” 

Phil followed Dan, trying to ignore the murmurs of the people around them and the way cellphones were poised up in the air, ready to snap all of these photos. But he swallowed back the bile in his throat and followed Dan to this secluded area away from most sight and they took a seat at a vacant bench. It wasn’t the most ideal eating place, but Phil will take it. 

He placed the bag between them and Dan reached into it, picking out his container first before handing Phil his. He opened it slowly and began to eat a few of the fries that came with his sandwich. Phil could see he was being cautious, and he felt even worse about it. 

“Did I pressure you?” 

Dan looked up from his paper box of food and stopped mid-bite. “No.” Dan said. “I honestly would have never felt okay enough to find somewhere else to go. If I was all alone, I would have just left and probably cried at my house.” 

“So you’re okay with us just sitting here and eating?” 

Dan nodded. “I have to slowly face all of this eventually, right? What’s a better way to do it than with you?” 

The sincerity in Dan’s voice made Phil’s heart melt and he had the urge to lean in and kiss him. But they were too open, too exposed. So he just opened his box and picked up one half of his sandwich. 

They ate mostly in peace and as far as Phil could tell, no one really bothered them. Dan finished his food first and waited for Phil to be done before they both got up, a bit relieved that they didn’t see or hear any more of the whispering around them. 

Their driver picked them up a short time later and took them back to Dan’s house where Dan insisted they go lay by the pool for the while and Phil followed, just wanting to spend as much time with Dan as he could before he left the following morning. 

***

“Marianne texted me.” 

Phil looked at Dan from across the couch. Rain had begun just a short time before and as rare as it was for California, Dan and Phil did not feel like sitting outside in it. 

“About?” 

Dan sighed and leaned his head back against the back of his couch. “She’s not happy that we went to The Grove.” 

Phil felt his nostrils flare a bit. “But you wanted to go there?” 

“I know.” Dan said, his voice defeated. “But I should have also known that anytime I go there, paparazzi is going to spot me and people are going to take creep shots of me. It’s inevitable.” 

“So you’re not even allowed to go anywhere without getting Marianne’s permission?” Phil found that a bit incredulous but he also wouldn’t be entirely surprised if that was the case. 

“Not exactly.” Dan began to clarify. “It’s just that I was spotted with you.” 

“And that’s a bad thing?” 

Dan let out another long sigh that was followed by a loud, frustrated groan. He reached up and pushed his curls from his forehead and rubbed his hands over his eyes before tipped his head back down and looked at Phil again. 

“It shouldn’t be but it is because everyone can’t wait to find out who Daniel Howell’s new boyfriend is…just look at some of these tweets.” 

Phil scooted closer to Dan on the couch and looked over his shoulder at his phone screen. 

@lindsey_01: ummmmm I think I just spotted Daniel Howell at the grove? 

@danielstopfans: to@lindsey_01 Oh that’s definitely him! 

@dansleftfoot: OMFG IS HE WITH PHIL 

@dansleftfoot: GUYS OUR SHIP IS FUCKING CANON. PHAN IS CANON. HE’S WITH PHIL AT THE GROVE EATING LUNCH 

There were more that Dan scrolled down by but those were the ones that caught Phil’s eyes. “I just want us to have our privacy for a bit longer.” 

Phil looks into Dan’s eyes and nods. “Me too.” 

“Call me selfish, but I just want to have you to myself. Especially right now when I don’t even know the next time I’ll see you.” 

Phil heard the little catch in Dan’s voice as he spoke and the small glimmer of tears in his eyes. He reached up and placed his hand on Dan’s chin, feeling it quiver a bit under his touch. “We’ll see each other soon.” 

“Promise me.” Dan says, his voice wavering a bit. 

Phil sees the beginning of a tear leak from his eyes and he reaches up, and wipes it away with his thumb. “I promise.” 

Dan leaned forward and pressed their lips together, locking them in place with such practiced ease. Phil had said it so many times before to himself but he’d never get sick of this, of feeling Dan’s lips against his own. 

Dan pulled back, breaking the kiss and as Phil leaned forward to reconnect their lips with an urgency, Dan stopped him and ghosted their lips together, barely touching. “Can I ask something?” Dan whispered. 

“Of course.” 

“Will you make love to me?” 

Phil felt his breath hitch. He opened his eyes, not even realizing they were still closed and looked back into Dan’s, brown meeting blue. 

He nodded and Dan’s arms came up and wrapped around Phil’s neck as their lips pressed together again, more heat behind them. Phil found himself standing up with Dan still attached to him. 

They managed to walk to the staircase and up the stairs before they ended up in Dan’s room. Dan shut the door behind them with his foot as Phil worked his mouth down Dan’s neck, kissing and sucking onto the delicate skin like he knew Dan liked. 

Dan backed him up to his bed and the backs of his knees hit the soft fabric behind them. He fell backwards and Dan crawled over him, straddling his hips. 

Phil pushed his hands down, caressing the soft sides of Dan’s body as he found his way underneath Dan’s shirt and pushed up. Dan continued to connect their lips in heated kisses as Phil yanked at the hem of his shirt. Dan pulled away long enough for Phil to throw his shirt off to the side before reaching down between them and yanking his own off as well. 

Dan sat back on Phil’s hips and Phil could have sworn that he’s never seen something as beautiful as Dan sitting there, his skin flushed and his lips red. He reached up, running his hands down Dan’s sides as Dan shivered and his hips jutted forward. 

As their hips connected, Phil let out a groan and Dan threw his head back with a whimper. He was already hard, his cock needing some sort of pressure and touch. “Fuck.” Dan whimpered, tipping his head back down. “Fuck, can you move up to the headboard? I want to suck you off.” 

Phil nodded quickly and Dan climbed off from his lap. As Phil shuffled back on the bed, he removed his pants and threw his bottoms off to the side, his cock jutting out and landing against his stomach. 

He looked up and saw Dan, stood on the side of the bed, digging through his nightstand as he pulled out a condom and a small bottle of lube, tossing it on the bed. 

Phil watched Dan undress the rest of the way and then climb back onto the bed, moving between Phil’s legs and pressing them apart. 

“I love your cock.” Dan says and Phil feel his cheeks flush. “I’ve honestly never said that but like, I literally cannot get over it.” Dan chuckles to himself. “It’s going to feel so amazing inside of me.” 

He took the head of Phil’s cock into his mouth and Phil threw his head back, seeing stars. It was just as amazing as the first time Dan did this. Dan was just so good at it and there was just no way he would ever get over it. 

Phil watched Dan slowly sink down and when he felt the head of his cock hit the back of Dan’s throat, his eyes rolled back and he groaned. No one had ever taken him this deep before. 

His stomach coiled from the pleasure and he felt the heat begin to rise. He didn’t know what it was but there was something about Dan that was making him turn into his teenage self who couldn’t last at all. 

Dan came back up and pulled off, sucking in a breath as he stroked Phil, his hand moving fluidly over him. “I’m not going to last if you keep doing that.” 

“You can come if you need to.” 

“No.” Phil shakes his head. “Because if I do, it’s over.” 

“Forgot that you’re an old man.” Dan said with a laugh as he leaned back down and licked a stripe up Phil’s length that left Phil grabbing the sheets next to him and curling his toes. 

Dan sat back and rolled onto his back next to Phil, reaching over and grabbing the lube and condom from the side of the bed. “Do you want to stretch me or would you rather have me do it?” 

Phil looked down at Dan and moved to hover of him. He reached down and placed his hand on Dan’s thigh and gently stroked. “I’d love to do it.” 

“Mmm your fingers are going to feel so good.” 

Phil sat back and grabbed the lube from Dan and opened the bottle, squeezing a little bit onto his fingers to warm it up. 

“Go slow.” Dan suddenly said, reaching up and putting his hand flat against Phil’s shoulder. “It’s…it's been a lot longer than I care to admit.” 

Phil hesitated. “A long time since you’ve bottomed or since you’ve been with someone? Because I can bottom…”

Dan shook his head. “I just haven’t had sex with someone in a long time. I actually prefer to bottom but I’m down to switch if you ever want to.” 

Phil nodded. “I just want to be sure.” 

Dan smiled at him. “I’m sure.” 

Phil leant down and pressed a soft kiss to Dan’s lips, much less heated than before. His hand slowly wandered further and further down until he pressed his fingertips against Dan’s rim and Dan let out a slight hiss. 

Phil pulled back and Dan nodded as Phil slipped in the first finger. Dan was really tight. But he wasn’t tense. Phil slowly moved his finger in and out and felt Dan loosen around him and relax. 

Before long, he was given the go ahead to push in a second finger so he did and Dan whimpered and groaned at the new stretch. 

Phil loved this. He loved looking and Dan and seeing him come apart on his fingers. He just felt so amazing and the way his soft walls hugged his fingers made his cock twitch at the thought of being buried inside of there. 

Dan soon grew impatient and Phil pulled his fingers out as gently as he could while stroking Dan’s cock slowly with his opposite hand. Phil sat back on his heels and reached for the condom, ripping it open with his teeth and wincing at the sharp taste that came from it. 

He could hear Dan laugh a bit at his expression but he just pulled out the latex and rolled it down his cock before grabbing the lube and coating himself. He leaned forward, pressing a kiss against Dan’s neck before he lined himself up and pushed in slowly. 

Dan’s hands came up and gripped at Phil’s shoulders and Phil buried his head in Dan’s neck. Fuck. He’d never felt something so soft but tight and just wonderful in his entire life. 

He knew he wasn’t going to last. There was no way. Dan’s walls were hugging him so snug and tight. 

He bottomed out and Dan’s nails dug into his skin, giving him a delicious burn. He leaned up onto his hands and looked down at Dan’s face, seeing his eyes scrunched up in bliss and his mouth opened a bit. 

Phil leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to his cheek and when he looked down, Dan was looking up at him. “You can move.” He whispered. 

And Phil did. 

He pulled his hips back and pushed them forward and Dan moaned under him, his back arching under them. Phil tried not to go too fast, but his hips worked all on their own and he felt out of control. 

His hand came down and held Dan’s leg behind the knee, pressing forward and feeling himself go deeper inside of Dan. And just as he was getting adjusted to the feeling of being so deep inside of him, Dan let out a loud moan of Phil’s name and Phil knew he had hit that special spot for Dan. 

“Fuck!” Dan yelled out, his voice high and tight. “Don’t stop. Please.” 

“I won’t.” 

Phil kept thrusting in the same angle to keep hitting Dan’s prostate over and over again. And soon Dan was begging for Phil to touch him so Phil let go of Dan’s leg and reached between them, taking his cock into his hand. All it took was a few strokes before Dan was coming white over his stomach. 

Phil followed suit, finishing in the condom as he thrusted deep one last time. 

His head came to rest again in the junction of Dan’s neck and shoulder. His breathing was heavy and he found himself not being able to catch his breath but in the best way possible. 

He could feel Dan’s hands working gently over his back, gently massaging him. When he finally felt the energy begin to come back into his body, he slowly sat up and reached between them, pulling himself out of Dan as gently as possible. Dan might a slight whimper but there was no pain evident on his face. 

Phil tied the condom and then looked over the side of the bed for the waste bin and tossed it down in there. When he settled back, Dan immediately crawled to him and wiped them both down with a few tissues from his nightstand. Phil grimaced at how sticky everything was but the urge to fall asleep and take a brief nap was just a bit more enticing than to worry about taking a shower. 

When that was done, Dan threw the tissues away and rolled back to Phil, resting his head on Phil’s chest as he wrapped his arm around Phil’s waist and snuggled as close as possible to him. 

“Tell me if I get to clingy.” Dan says, his voice slightly muffled. “I like to cuddle after sex.” 

“I don’t mind.” 

Phil looked down at the snuggled up Dan beside him and bent down meeting his lips again in a soft kiss. Phil pecked Dan’s lips a few times before settling down again, holding the younger male at his side. 

Just as Phil felt his eyes shut and his body protest louder about needing some sleep, Dan shifted a bit and then rested his chin against Phil’s pec, looking up at him to meet his eyes. 

“That was amazing.” Dan said, his hand running up Phil’s side and leaving tingles in its wake. 

“I’m glad it was good for you too because that was honestly the best sex I’ve ever had.” 

“Me too.” Dan says with a smile before pressing a light kiss to Phil’s skin. “Can I tell you something?” 

Phil watched Dan’s eyes for the signs of anything being wrong but nothing appeared to be the matter. “Of course.” 

“I think I love you.” 

#phan #phanfic #phanfiction #famous!dan #moviestar!dan #fluff #smut

[littlemonstersau-blog]

The Feels Awaken, Part 2: The Fandom’s Menace

Written by @jkl-fff, illustrated by me

PART I - PART II [Interlude]  - PART III (you are here) - PART IV [Interlude]

———————————————————————————————-

Soos, excitedly setting up everything: Dude, I knew exactly what we should watch as soon as Stan said “movie day”. The prequel trilogy of Cosmos Conflicts! I’ve been meaning to show you them since, like, the first time you said you love the first two originals movies, and even more since we all sat down together so you could finally see Return of the Jelived, Bitch! The prequels’re actually, like, seriously three of my all-time favorite movies ever.

Ford, actually smiling: Heh. I would’ve watched them before now— especially now that I know how keen you are to share them with me— except Dipper and Mabel would never let me. They kept saying they loved me too much to let me watch them, if you can believe it.

Soos: Well, I admit they’re not the most popular with fans, yeah, but that’s just ‘cause, like, most people can’t handle this much raw, concentrated awesomeness.

Melody, deadpan on the floor: Uh huh. That’s exactly what it is.

Soos: It’s like really spicy food; some people just don’t have a— whatcha call it?—sophisticated enough palette to appreciate the awesome sauce. Y’know?

Melody, still deadpan: Most just aren’t refined enough. For sure. Yep. That explains it.

Stan, entering TV room: I got drinks for everybody!

Bill, right after him: And I got the popcorn! Let’s jump right in to this glorious madness!

Melody, mildly surprised: You like these movies?

Bill, passing around bowls of popcorn: Absolutely! They’re one of the hottest messes in cinematic history!

Stan, passing around cups of soda: Mel, you sure you don’t want my easy chair? It’s no problem, really.

Melody: Lying flat is the best thing for my back lately. Besides, I can put my feet up in my honeybear’s lap while he rubs them for me.

Soos, genuinely happy at this prospect: Sure can, honeybadger!

Stan, taking his seat: Well, if you’re sure. C’mon, gremlin! [picks up Bill]

Bill, almost giggling: Whoahoho! Careful, I’m gonna spill!

Stan, setting Bill next to him (on opposite side of Ford): There. All comfy, kiddo?

Bill, deciding to settle in like a cat: Alright, yeah, I’m okay with this. Primo seating and everything!

Ford, making himself look straight ahead: Let’s start it.

TV: George Dufasfilms Ltd. and 20th Century Foxups presents … Cosmos Conflicts, Episode 1! The Phantom Nuisance! [fanfare theme song plays, prologue crawls upward]

Ford: Wait, what? “Turmoil has engulfed the galaxy because taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems is in dispute”?! This is about freaking tax policy? And that leads to galactic turmoil?

Stan: Don’t know ‘bout you, but the IRS certainly causes me turmoil. [Soos stops rubbing Melody’s feet long enough to highfive him]

Ford, incredulous: This is a prequel, right? So why is all their tech more advanced? Why are there more and better droids?

Soos: Well, the Trade Union canonically uses droids more than other species. It only makes sense they’d create more advanced—

Bill: Because George Dufas has a robot fetish. That’s seriously why. He uses the entirety of this film like normal people use hardcore porn.

TV: Master, I have a bad feeling about this. TV: Be mindful of the Living Force, my rattail-coiffed padawan.

Ford: Pada-what-now? That’s not a word. Why didn’t they go with “apprentice” or—heck!—“squire”, since they’re Jelived Knights?

Soos: Shhhhh!

TV: Gee thanks, Master, that’s certainly helpful and not at all vague. That advice will definitely help me be a diplomat, even though Jelived like us are more like killer, magic samurai-priest-cops. TV: Indeed, my superfluously-ponybobbed padawan, which is why we have openly worn our iconic bathrobes and lasercutlasses instead of even the most basic of disguises. Letting the Trade Union know the Senate sent trained killers will surely put them at ease.

Melody: Nope, they’ll try to gas you both now. Good thing they kept all that toxic gas in their air vents.

TV: My fellow crafty and greedy Trade Unionist insectoids. First, I raise a glass to our race’s abandon of our native customs and tongue in favor of caricatures of antiasian stereotypes and accents. TV: Hear hear! TV: Second, we have done well in executing our secret Shit master’s evil plan to blockade this world of minor socio-economic importance (for some reason), and to kill those two Jelived. They must surely be dead by now, so let’s send in some droids to kill them further. TV: But, sir, they’ve only been in there for fifteen seconds. TV: OPEN THE DOOR, I SAY! AND SEND IN … FIVE DROIDS! TV: Sir, predictably, they weren’t dead, and destroyed the five droids. Now they are cutting through the door to our command center. TV: IMPOSSIBLE! SEND … TWO MORE DROIDS! NO, THREE!

Ford: Wasn’t the hangar full of battle droids?

Melody: Oh, the whole ship is. They just want the fight to be fair.

Ford: … what. [watches as Trade Union leader makes a call to Queen Imdolledupa] … What. [watches as she tells her council “I won’t condone actions that could lead Planet Baboon to war, even if we have been blockaded for months at this point and they’re clearly planning an invasion”] … What. [watches as invasion lands on opposite side of planet than cities] … WHAT.

Bill, grinning: Don’t worry. It gets worse. Much, much worse. Starting … right … now.

TV: Tank yusa for saving mesa from dose bombad battle droids, yusa Jelived who escaped da main starship by sneaky-sneaky on dat transport! Mesa love you! Mesa follow you forever and ever! TV: Master, I sense that this Jerkjerk creature will bring suffering to millions. May I please cut him down for the good of the Force? TV: No, my practically mulleted padawan. We need him alive, because … reasons. Probably related to merchandising. TV: Mesa take yusa to secret, bubble city of mesa people now!

Ford, through gritted teeth: Who the fffff … fuzz is that annoying frog-lizard-man, and why do I feel a collective unconscious urge to beat him to death with my bare hands?! Why aren’t the Jelived Force Choking him, or at least Mind Tricking him into leaving?

Bill: That is Jerkjerk Kinks, a monument to Dufas’s amphibian fetish and the first reason the Twins wouldn’t let you watch this movie.

Soos, defensively: He’s not that bad! He’s got a good heart!

Melody, sighing: Oh, my sweet, innocent, naïf honeybear …

TV: Boss Gass, even though you dislike the humans who invaded and colonized your planet, and even though you live completely apart from them in your Plasmatlantis, you are symbiotic with them. TV: Mesa tinking yusa no understand what “symbiotic” means. TV: Well, if you won’t help the humans, at least don’t kill Jerkjerk—

Ford, spitting out popcorn: YES, KILL JERKJERK!

TV: —because he owes me a life debt and is now basically my slave. Your gods and laws demand that his life belongs to me. TV: Mesa tinking it racist for yusa to claim to understand oursa laws and culture, white man. And to claim ownership of a sentient being (dat isn’t a droid). But yusa hair so fabulous and mesa so bored wit dis conversation, mesa give yusa Jerkjerk and submarine so yusa go. TV: Excellent. Now, to boat through the planet’s watery core.

Ford: … That is literally impossible. Even if the core was water, the center would be denser than rock because of all the pressure. [watches as ship navigates past giant sea monsters] There would be no light, no life, no nothing down there.

Soos, patiently: Yeah, but it’s fun. That’s what matters.

Stan: I like how they just happen to pop up in the capital city, and how nobody notices them, even though it’s occupied.

Bill: I like how the people of Planet Baboon put up absolutely zero resistance to the Trade Union’s invasion, despite all the forewarning they had since the blockade and from the invasion landing clear on the wrong side of the planet. If only Imdolledupa had been Mayor of Gravity Falls, am I right? Heh heh … heh … What? Too soon?

Ford, grimacing at Bill: Mmm …

Stan, patting him: Gremlin, it’ll prob’ly always be too soon for that.

TV: Master, there’s the Queen. How fortunate we came up next to her, and that the Trade Union decided to march her through the streets instead of simply landing a shuttle outside the palace. TV: Yusa big fortunate dey only escorted by six droids even dough hersa entourage has twenty people! TV: … Master, yet again I beg you to let me kill this irritating— and you’re already gone … and the droids are already dead. TV: Majesty, I am Jelived Master Leam-Nee San. Come with me if you want to Jelive. We’ll escape this planet, take you to the Senate, and tell them how heated this tax policy dispute has gotten here. TV: You arrived at a fortunate time, Jelived, because they were about to make me sign a treaty legalizing their invasion of Baboon.

Melody: ‘cause that’d be totally legit, right? No coercion at all.

Stan, nudging Bill, whispering: Maybe you should’ve forced Mayor Cutebiker to sign a treaty, eh?

Bill: Heh! But you just said—

Ford, grimacing at Stan: Mmm … [watches as they find an unguarded ship and fly straight at blockade instead of around it; ship gets away, but with hyperdrive damage] Okay, why is that Jelived—what’s his name? Yuan-Mac Gragor?— repairing the hyperdrive instead of a pilot? Is that supposed to be standard training for Jelived, or something?

Soos, shrugging: Seems like it’d be pretty easy to pick up to me.

Melody: Well, yeah, it would be for you, honeybear. Mr. Handyman with the magic fingers! Aw, yeah, that’s the spot … Keep rubbing …

TV: We can’t land on Hallowine, it’s controlled by Pitsa-Hutts! They’re gangsters! It wouldn’t be safe for Queen Imdolledupa! TV: I’m sorry, non-Jelived person, I couldn’t hear you over how luxurious my hair is. And I don’t care what you said anyway. Now, I’m off to buy us a hyperdrive. Time and stealth are of the essence, so naturally I’m going to take with me a slow-rolling droid, my frog-lizard-man slave who is so idiotic he will step in every literal and figurative pile of doodoo, and this willful teenage girl. TV: Master Jelived, not to question your wisdom, but— TV: Good. See to it that you never question any Jelived ever again, for we are infallible and will take off your head. Tata for now.

Stan: Why take Jerkjerk? D’you think he was hopin’ to sell him? Or maybe just ditch him?

Ford: Being amphibious, it’s likely the extreme heat and dryness might’ve proved fatal to him. Perhaps the hope was he’d drop dead.

Soos, whimpering softly: Why does everyone hate him? He just wants to help!

Ford, curtly: Because he’s the worst, Soos. He’s just … the worst. [watches shadowy Shit Lord Farth Sidious bitch at Trade Union for letting the Queen get away, then dispatches Farth Maul to fix it; watches heroes wander into a desert town on Hallowine]

TV: How fortunate the first shop we enter has a hyperdrive for sale. Now to use my Mind Trick on the disgusting, pig-butterfly proprietor without once having the least of scruples about how unethical that is. TV: Ha! Mind Tricks won’t work on me, only MONEY! I’m surprised you couldn’t tell from my Yiddish accent and hooked nose, human.

Ford, eyes wide in shock: Did they really just—

Stan, shaking his head: Moses—

Soos, blanching: Oh, yeah … I, uh, k-kinda forgot about him. Sorry, dudes. I guess all the lasercutlass duels and space battles made me forget about the, um, antisemitic stereotypes.

Ford: Not … Not your fault, Soos. We’ll just—

TV: Are you an angel? I know it doesn’t make sense that angels exist as a mythological concept in our galaxy, but you’re really pretty, so … I’m a slave, by the way. So is my mom, though you’d never know it since we dress like everybody else and get to walk around freely. I saved your frog-lizard-man friend thing from a brawl, by the way. My name’s Otherkin Skyjogger. I’m 9, but that doesn’t matter, angel. TV: I’m Padmy Resume. I’ll try to forgive you for saving Jerkjerk. TV: Is your friend with the magnificent hair a Jelived, angel? He has a Jelived weapon. There’s a sandstorm coming, even though the air looks exactly the same as it did a while ago, so you should all come have dinner at my place. My mom won’t mind, even though we have very little money for food, presumably, what with being slaves. TV: Why not? Story’s not going anywhere. I’ll get Leam-Nee San.

Bill, stifling a cackle at the next scene: (My favorite dialogue!)

TV: Queen, this is a holo-transmission from Baboon, even though we have no idea where your ship is because you’re hiding. Anywho, the Trade Union is awful, the death toll is catastrophic, the weather is a little humid. Please contact us; this is not an obvious ploy. Love ya, bye! … Wait, did I just say “love ya” to the Que— TV: I know I’m just a padawan with a pointlessly stupid haircut, but I’m gonna tell your planet’s leadership what to do now. *Ahem*. That was an obvious plot to learn where the Queen is. Don’t reply.

Stan: If I was that security office, I’d bitchslap that uppity teen.

Melody, warningly: Language.

Bill: Sorry, Mel, he meant to say “teenslap that uppity bitch”. [highfives Stan]

Ford: Pffhaha! *ahem* [watches Otherkin take them home and mother is all “Sure, why not? I’ll give room and board to three strangers who’ve taken a not-at-all unsettling interest in my prepubescent son. Now for a dinner chat!”] Wait, what? Did he seriously just say he’s the only human who can rocket-chariot race? But racing is just … racing!

Bill: He just wants to impress the “angel”, so he’s exaggerating. But she believes him even though he’s 9 and obviously has a crush on her ‘cause she’s kind of a Dumasc.

Melody, more warningly: Language.

Soos, reluctantly: Actually, he’s not swearing. It’s an in-canon term for “politician” ‘cause the galactic capital is on Planet Dumascent.

Bill: And it’s very political of her—gets them free room and board. Yep, that Dumasc ain’t no dumbass.

Ford and Stan, cracking up: Pfffhahahaha!

TV: There’s a problem, my should-just-get-a-buzzcut padawan. I found a hyperdrive, but couldn’t Mind Trick the owner to give it to me for racist and plot-related reasons, and it’d be unethical to just steal it (and I just can’t be unethical). Nor could I buy it with a promise of higher repayment next week from Jelived funds. But, fortunately, there’s a rocket-chariot race soon, and if this 9-year-old Force Sensitive I just met wins … we’ll get the money to buy it!

Stan, exasperated: What, does George Dufas also have a fetish for 80s sitcom clichés? Don’t answer that question, Bill.

TV: And I’ll win the kid as a slave—Jelived apprentice, I mean— because I unironically rigged a dice toss with my powers. I had to bet the Queen’s ship, but I’m sure she won’t mind if we don’t tell her. TV: Ah, but you’re going to use Jelived powers to rig the race, right? TV: What?! Never! That would be unethical and spoil the suspense! TV: … Master, I’m concerned your gambling addiction is— TV: What? Khshh! Can’t hear you! Khshh! There’s a sandstorm! Oh, also, I’m transmitting the kid’s blood sample through our radio. TV: That’s not how radios work, Master, but okay … dum di dim … Got the results, and this kid has more midi-chlorians than Yoda.

Ford, suspicious: What … are … those?

Bill, grinning: The second reason the Twins wouldn’t let you see this movie. Heh heh heh …

TV: My 9-year-old son is meant to help you in this dangerous race. It’s destiny, and stuff. That’s why I’m so criminally permissive. Oh, did I mention his conception was immaculate?

Ford, jumping up: WHAT?! JESUS CHRIST!

Bill, grinning: Exactly. Space Jesus Christ.

Ford: Does … Does this mean … midi-chlorians …

TV: Sir, you were talking to my mom about midi-chlorians? TV: Ah, yes, the omnipresent, microscopic organisms that confer the Force randomly upon some individuals, are not at all mystical or magical, and are probably your daddy, O Chosen One of the Jelived.

Ford, apoplectic: WHAT THE FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF—

Soos, whimpering softly: Oh, no! the Angry Words™!

Melody: Don’t you dare, Stanford Pines!

Ford, like a death metal singer: —UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU—

Melody: Don’t! You! Dare!

Ford: —NDAMENTALLY STUPID IDEA IS THIS CRAP?! AND HOW DOES FARTH MAUL KNOW TO CHECK THIS PLANET, BUT THE JELIVED DON’T SENSE HIS DARK PRESENCE?! I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS BULLSHI—

Stan, as though his brother wasn’t screaming: Oh, look, Sixer. It’s time for the big rocket-chariot race.

Ford, breathing heavily: If this isn’t the best race ever, I swear … [watches race] Okay, yes, that was genuinely exciting.

Soos, relieved: Hooray!

Ford: Enough that I’m going to overlook the sabotage in front of a stadium of spectators, the fact it didn’t actually impede his winning, the ludicrousy of Otherkin catching up to but not passing his rival, and Java the Pitsa-Hutt being shown sleeping through the race. I mean, really? Why would you suggest your own film is boring?

Melody: To be fair, this is basically space NASCAR, and earth NASCAR is boringer than golf.

Ford, muttering to himself: More boring … Grammar …

TV: Alright, my shamefully beardless padawan, take the hyperdrive and everyone else back to the ship while I make Otherkin say goodbye to his mother forever and ever and ever. TV: About that, Master. Why don’t we just take her with us, too? I mean, slavery’s incontestably morally abhorrent, and we’re Jelived and can screw the consequences of most our actions. TV: What?! Never! TV: Because it’d be unethical to steal someone’s property, Master, even if that property is a sentient being? TV: Well, that, and we already have one major woman character for this whole trilogy. Why would we have more than one woman?

Melody: Grrrr, sexism … Makes me always hope Maul’ll kill him.

TV: Goodbye, son. Jelived, promise you’ll take care of my son? TV: What? Sorry, I couldn’t hear you over how opulent my hair is. Anyway, tata forever. Come along, Otherkin. TV: I love you, mom! I’ll never forget you!

Stan, looking sideways in surprise: Gremlin, are … are you crying?

Bill, swiping at eyes: W-what, me?! No! Not like goodbyes’re s-sad! I just got, um, some g-glitter dust in my eyes … All Mabel’s fault the stuff is freakin’ everywhere in here …

Stan, putting an arm around him: Heh. Tell me about it, kiddo.

Ford, silently glancing sideways at Bill: (… hmm …)

TV: Excuse me, Yuan-Mac, but isn’t that a Shit Lord attacking your master right outside the ship? Shouldn’t you go help him? TV: I would, but this chair’s just too comfy. If I get up, you know Imdolledupa will steal it (that bitch!). Besides, look, Leam-Nee San got aboard the ship just fine. Oh *sigh* and so did his new slave boy. Guess I should go introduce myself to that homewrecking hussy— er, kid! I meant kid … Hello, Master and filthy slave boy. TV: Ah, my worst-hair-of-the-three-of-us padawan, meet my new younger and cuter padawan, Otherkin Skyjogger. The Chosen One. I’m sure you two will be best friends and as close as brothers. TV: Hi! (I’m daddy’s new favorite. Die jealous about it.) TV: Hi! (I will throw you into a volcano the first chance I get.) TV: I knew you two would hit it off. But I wonder who that person in black with a red lightsaber was who attacked me just now … Well, I’m off to bed. Don’t stay up too late becoming best friends.

Ford: Does he really not pick up on them hating each other then?

Soos, confused: What’re you talking about? They get really close.

Ford: Pff. Yeah, which is why Farth Vaper strikes him down in the original movie, right?

Stan: Eh, what’s a little strikin’ down between brothers?

Melody: “Space is cold,” Padmy Resume says to the kid. Like, don’t they have temperature controls in their ships?

Bill: Don’t forget, this was “a long time ago”. They hadn’t invented space heaters yet.

Ford: Ha! Haha—er, *ahem* that was … that was clever. [watches them land on Dumascent, a planet-wide city] That … is also impossible. Completely unsustainable. Without trees, how do they breathe?

Bill: They export all their CO and CO2, and import … everything, pretty much. Oxygen, food, water … It’s the reason they named the planet Dumascent; they’re all—

Melody, warningly: Don’t say it.

Bill, silently mouthing at Ford: (… dumbasses.)

Ford: Heh heh … [watches Imdolledupa’s retinue go with Baboon Senator Shiv Saltine while the Jelived threesome goes to the Temple and tests Otherkin]

TV: Esteemed fellow Senators, I haven’t made a big deal about it, because I kinda suck at my job, but Baboon was invaded recently. I now introduce Queen Imdolledupa and Representative Jerkjerk—

Ford, sarcastically: Well, he certainly is qualified.

TV: —who will speak on my planet’s behalf, thereby rendering my presence here as a Senator utterly redundant. Majesty? TV: I— TV: I’M THE SENATOR FROM THE TRADE UNION, BECAUSE IT TOTALLY MAKES SENSE A COMPANY HAS EQUAL REP WITH INHABITED PLANETS, AND I NOW FORMALLY MAKE A MOTION OF “SHUT UP, BITCH”! TV: Motion is seconded. The bitch is hereby required to shut up. TV: … Okay, y’know what? Screw y’all bureaucrats. As queen, I raise my planet’s middle finger at all of you. Now, I’m going back to do what I should’ve done months ago … fight the invaders! TV: Mesa going wid you? TV: Sure, why the space heck not?! We’re out. Peace between worlds!

Melody, raising a fist: You go, girl! Better late than never!

Bill: And the moral of the story is that democracy doesn’t work.

Ford, dubious: Thank you, Farth Cipher. Anyway, if we get lucky, Jerkjerk will die painfully in the coming battle.

Soos, whimpering: He’s just doing his best!

TV: Spoken, the Jelived Council has (meaning a decision, I’ve made with Master Sa-Myul Jaxon, which abide the other masters will, if what’s good for them, they know). Your padawan, Otherkin won’t be. TV: Master Jaxon, for clarity’s sake, could you explain why not? TV: Our code forbids someone as old as he is be trained. For reasons. Our code forbids you having two padawans at once. For reasons. TV: And much fear in him, we sense. Which bad, always is. TV: But, Master Yoda, his midi-chlorians—

Ford, jumping up: RRRAAAAAARRRGHGHGHGHGHGH!

TV: —and he’s the Chosen One prophesied to bring balance—

Ford: WHO EVEN MAKES THESE PROPHECIES?!

TV: —and it’s kind of hypocritical of you to say his fear is bad even as you are all too afraid to let train him be trained. TV: Clutching my pearls, I now am! A scandal, this is! TV: The council forbids you training him, Leam-Nee San. TV: Huh? Sorry, Master Baldy, I couldn’t hear you over how sumptuous my hair is. Oh, and now my middle fingers are up for some reason. Strange … Well, better go train Otherkin. I’ll start by taking him to the soon-to-be Baboon warzone. Tata, bitches.

Bill: I guess we call that Leam-Nee San’s act of … HAIResy!

Ford and Stan: Pffhahaha!

Melody, annoyed: The prophecy (we almost never hear about again) is to bring “balance to the Force”, right? Why do none of them ever consider that might signify strengthening the Dark Side? I mean, Jelived are kinda dominating the galaxy right now, and are always trying to stomp the Shit out of existence.

Ford and Stan and Bill, uncontrollably: Hehehehehehehe!

Soos, plaintively: Why must we always question it, dudes? Why can’t we just enjoy it?

Stan: ‘cause they’re flyin’ back to the planet without any trouble. Look, the blockade is gone. Where the heck did it go?

Bill: They got sucked into a black plot hole. Lots of those in space.

Ford: And they just happen to land in the swamp right where all the frog-lizard-men are hiding?

Bill: Don’t forget George Dufas made good actors act woodenly. See?

TV: Boss Gass, I woodenly beg you to help us. To be our allies. After this, we’ll return lands and first-class citizen status to you, even though your people are slimy and inferior non-humans. TV: Hmm … Wesa live in a bloody swamp. Wesa need all the land wesa can get. Okay, wesa fight wid you, and Jerkjerk is a general.

Ford, sarcastically: Well, he certainly is qualified.

TV: The plan’s for us to sneak into the palace via secret passages that of course it has. While one team seizes the Trade Union leader, 12 pilots will take on the blockade that just barely reappeared. Well, it’s just one ship for some reason now and not a blockade. So, yeah, 12 should be enough. Meanwhile, Boss Gass’s and *snicker* General Jerkjerk’s armies’ll be a cannon fodder distraction. TV: Mesa have no qualms wid taking on a better armed force. TV: Good, because you blinked and we’re in the palace already. TV: Oh, blast. I was going to leave you on the ship, Otherkin, but the Queen scene-transitioned us here too quickly. Okay, listen. I want you to find somewhere safe to hide, alright? TV: Yes, daddy. I mean, Master Leam-Nee San. TV: Uh, daddy—I mean, Master? That Shit from Hallowine is back. Should I have the Queen’s troops gun him down? TV: No, my why-didn’t-you-get-a-haircut-on-Dumascent padawan, we will seductively slip out of our Jelived bathrobes and duel him despite his badass, double-ended lasercutlass. BONZAI!

Ford, excited: Finally, the good stuff! [watches movie cut back to Jerkjerk; his people’s shields stop blasts, but not droids and tanks rolling right through them] … what. [watches Otherkin hide in a ship, activate it on accident, fly it into the heat of a space battle on accident, not get shot down but rather shoot down bunches of droid ships on accident—because the Force and because rocket-chariot racing and because fuck the audience— “I have no idea what I’m doing. I’ll try a spin; that’s a good trick.”] … What. [watches Jerkjerk shoot more enemies than all the stormtroopers in the original trilogy combined on accident, explode some on accident] … What. [watches Otherkin crash land inside the Trade Union ship on accident blow up its power core or something on accident, escape on accident] … WHAT.

Soos, unironically: Hooray for Jerkjerk! Hooray for Otherkin!

Ford: Boo for Jerkjerk! Boo for Otherkin! Why aren’t they dying?! [throws handful of popcorn at screen]

Bill, excitedly joining in: Woooooo! Anarchy in the living room!

Ford, ranting: Why are all the droids shutting down?! Why would anyone design battle droids without independent operating systems?! Why isn’t there at least one other battleship with a backup for them?! And where the fffff-funky music is my lasercutlass duel?! [watches Queen’s retinue capture the Trade Union leaders “Your invasion of the planet we invaded is over, immigrant sc … um, I mean, Asian sc … uh, no, that’s much worse … Well, anyway, it’s over, you scum who aren’t white or that token black guy!”]

Stan, blinking in surprise: I don’t remember this movie bein’ so racist the first time I watched it. Was it always like this?

Ford, throwing more popcorn: Get to the Jelived already! [watches legitimately epic duel with great choreography progress from starfighter hangar into some sort of massive power plant] … What is a power plant doing inside the palace?

Soos: Shhhh!

Bill: Well, on Baboon, the palace is the seat … OF POWER!

Ford: Ha! Indeed … Wait, why is there a corridor of laser doors? And who’s turning them on and off? Are they on an automatic timer, or something? That’s a terrible security design.

Stan: Especially since what they’re guarding is just a dead-end room with a gaping, bottomless pit.

Bill: Lady and Gentlemen, I give you … the movie’s plot hole!

Ford and Stan: Pffhahahahaha!

Soos: Guys, c’mon! You’re spoiling the emotional climax!

TV: Da—I mean, Master, I’m stuck behind a laser door! Hold on! TV: Not to worry, I’ve got this well in hand, my less-than—Gah! Oh, look at that … I’ve been impaled … Huh … Down I fall … TV: DAAAAADDDDDDYYYYY!

Ford, surprised: Wow … I actually am moved right now … [watches Yuan-Mac Gragor attack once door opens, get kicked into the pit but catch onto a convenient pipe thing or something]

TV: It’s over, Jelived. I, Farth Maul, have the high ground. TV: What a stupid thing to say, Shit Lord murderer! You will pay!

Ford: But how can Yuan-Mac Gragor possibly defeat him now? [watches him connect with the Force and do a flying backflip while drawing the lightsaber to him … and cutting Maul in half] OH, BULLSHIT!

Melody: STANFORD PINES!

Ford: The whole fight scene was the coolest except for that ending! Maul just stood there with his guard down let himself get killed off like a little bit—um … idiot. A genuinely intimidating villain, gone without a chance to develop, and in the least satisfying of ways!

Bill, casually: It was assisted suicide, really, ‘cause he couldn’t bear to live any longer in a universe where George Dufas is his god.

TV: Daddy! Master! I’m here! Hold on, please! TV: Listen … my first padawan, my first son … you must train him. Otherkin is the Chosen One … will bring balance to the Force … TV: I promise. No matter what. TV: And you must … get rid of that rattail, grow a proper mane … It’s important … for being a badass Jelived who don’t give a crap … TV: I will. The most magnificent mane ever, I swear. TV: Finally … most importantly … make sure to bury me … with winged eyeliner … *death rattle* TV: NOOO! I mean, I’ll do that, yes, of course. But NOOOOOOO!

Soos, tearing up: *sniffle* He was such a good Jelived.

Bill, evilly: I think you mean “Jedied”.

Ford and Stan: Pffhahahaha!

Bill: And don’t you meatbags usually consider owning slaves to be something that disqualifies a person from being good? Like, he had two of ‘em. Speaking of, you think this means Yuan-Mac Gragor inherits Jerkjerk? Is he legally permitted to euthanize him now?

Melody, considering that: I think the life debt is fulfilled now.

Soos, muttering: (You dudes all suck …)

TV: Come to Baboon, I have. Along with Senate soldiers to arrest the Trade Union (now that matters, Senate involvement does not). TV: Thank you, Master Yoda. That means a lot during my grief. TV: Out of pity, promote you to Knight we do. Also, more impressive than our lame, traditional trials killing a Shit, we consider. So … TV: And may I take Otherkin as my padawan? Just so you know, I made a deathbed promise to train him, so I’m going to anyway. TV: Changed their minds for no reason, the other councilors did. Little bitches, I consider them to be … But no reason, I have really to oppose his training. Other than that grave danger, I fear in his training for us all. For foreshadowing purposes, you understand. TV: Aren’t you always saying “fear leads to the Dark Side”? TV: Like your master, you are. Meaning go screw yourself, you can.

Stan: Convenient decision, ain’t it? Oh, time for the funeral.

Bill: I’m always amazed and, to be honest, a little jealous at the caliber of the winged eyeliner they get on Leam-Nee San.

Stan, shaking his head: Can you believe Yoda and Sa-Myul Jaxon are discussing Jelived business during the guy’s funeral? That’s just inconsiderate, is what that is. And why would the Shit follow that rule of two, anyway? I thought they were anti-Jelived.

Soos, dismal but unable to not answer: ‘cause they know treachery’s gonna happen sooner or later. One apprentice means only one person to keep an eye on.

Ford, derisive: Why not? Makes as little sense as everything else. Oh, they’re having a parade now. And … there’s a glowing orb? Why is the Queen giving a glowing orb to Boss Gass?

Bill: For his coffee table. It’ll make a great conversation piece.

Ford: Or would, except he’d then have to tell this awful story. Just awful … But the rest of the trilogy, it has to be better, right? It couldn’t possibly be worse.

Bill, smiling evilly: Heh heh heh … You say that now …

Soos, sulking: … I guess if you wanna watch ‘em, we can.

Melody, picking up on her husband’s dejection: Can we leave the movies with them, honeybear? I’m starting to not feel well.

Soos: Uh, sure thing, honeybadger, if you like. [gets up, helps her up, goes out the door with her] Um, see you dudes tomorrow!

Stan, with a tinge of regret: Y’think maybe we hurt his feelings raggin’ on the movies so much?

Ford, realization dawning: He … He did say they’re three of his favorite movies. Though I fail to understand why or how … All the same, perhaps I was being insensitive … again … [sighs, shrugs] Oh well. He’s not here anymore, so I suppose we can be as unbridled in our ragging as we want. And tomorrow, we’ll make it up to him. Somehow … Shall we put in the next one?

Bill, excitedly: 79 Hecks yeah! Oh, wait, they’re both gone now.

All three together: We can swear for real!

#little monsters au #the feels awaken #bipper #ford #stan #bill cipher #writing #fanfiction #this entire thing man #i have barely watched a star wars movie in my life and this is still so funny to me #submission

[teenwolimagines]

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

A/N: So no title cards for a little bit and in other news I sadly won’t be posting as much due to work but this is not a hiatus. 

Waking up Theo felt...normal.

More normal than he had felt since the Dread Doctors crept into his life, he wasn’t waking up in some dank tunnel on a rickety cot he dared not ask the origin of. 

He wasn’t waking up to a two strangers he had to constantly terrify and  keep in line, and he certainly wasn’t waking up to cop shining a light in his eyes.

He was waking up in a warm bed, in a house where he had nothing to do. No life or death situations.

He sat up and looked over at (Y/N) who was half on the floor, looks like someone fell out of bed.

He should wake her up, sleeping like that couldn’t possibly be comfortable. So he gently shook her foot.

‘Mmm you rat... get outta here.’ she mumbled kicking her foot, Theo easily avoided the attack with a laugh.

‘(Y/N).’ he said a bit loudly.

She shot up and looked around frantically.

‘Where’d ya go you-you...heeey Theo.’ she started off angrily but eased into a more relaxed tone once she realized where she was.

‘Morning, so what rat were you talking about?’ he smirked.

‘I was in some market and all the stuff was free and delicious then this rude rat jumps in my basket.’ she yawned as she explained her dream.

‘What did you dream about?’ she asked while standing up.

‘I didn’t have a dream.’ Theo was surprised by the truth in that statement.

His sister didn’t tear his heart out last night.

‘Well better luck next time, come on lets go make breakfast. After we brush our teeth of course, there is an extra toothbrush in the medicine cabinet.’ she said as she stood up and went to the bathroom.

Theo sat up and stretched looking at her as she walked away.

Who was this girl?

She came out of nowhere and in less then two days had already the best thing to happen to him since he was ten.

While he was grateful, endlessly grateful for her letting him stay here, but last time someone came from nowhere promising him a better life he had to kill his sister.

Deciding to shake that thought away, and just enjoy this as the good thing it seemed to be.

She hadn’t asked him for anything, or given him any ultimatums so maybe this was just as it seemed.

His way out of that life.

Sadly, as Theo had finished that thought his phone chimed with a message.

No one, literally no one, had his number...other than the McCall Pack Members. 

And they didn’t exactly send Theo trendy memes, they only texted him if they were short handed and desperately needed help. Even then he wasn’t fully trusted and after they just cut him loose.

Theo had half a mind to just ignore the call and let Liam and his weird friends handle it alone, but he couldn’t.

Because if there was something running around killing people again, that meant (Y/N) wasn’t safe. If Theo ever wanted to do anything good for anyone, it was gonna be for her.

So he opened the text.

Meet us at the library ASAP

Theo groaned internally as he threw the phone onto the bed, he sighed as (Y/N) exited the bathroom.

‘What did the phone do?’ she smiled.

‘Nothing...just a friend that doesn’t realize I’m not in High School anymore.

‘Trust me you won’t be out of place, its amazing how many people who don’t attend that school...go to that school! No security at all, I’m telling you the place just isn’t safe.’

‘Tell me about it.’ Theo chuckled as he headed to the bathroom to brush his teeth.

‘If you are going to the school, do you mind me catching a ride, I’ve been wanting to stop by and talk to some of my old teachers to write letters of recommendation.’

Theo paused his teeth brushing and looked over her.

‘What school are trying to get into?’

‘Well, I’m trying not to put all my eggs in one basket, applying all over the place honestly, but NYU is the goal. They have an amazing art program, I spent almost all last year on college tours and no one compared.’ she rambled excitedly. 

Theo nodded and went back to brushing his teeth.

College.

He hadn’t finished high school, he’d have to go online and aim for a GED.

‘I’ll give you a ride, we can stop for food on the way.’ Theo said.

‘Nope.’

‘What?’

‘I can only assume your body is seventy percent McDonald's, do all the push ups you want, but that food isn’t good for you. I have some fruit salads we can have on the way.’ (Y/N) said sternly.

‘Fine, let me get some clothes from my car.’ 

‘Cool I’ll get dressed.’

Ten minutes later they were in his car on there way to the most dangerous place in Beacon Hills.

‘Hand me a fruit salad.’ Theo requested, glancing at two packaged salads in her lap.

‘Hey you are the driver, and I’m a passenger, my life is in your hands. So keep them on the wheel.’ (Y/N) said as she opened one.

Theo rolled his eyes, believing that she was gonna make him wait til they were at the school.

‘Here.’

Theo looked down at the strawberry that (Y/N) was holding out to him.

‘Say ah.’ she smiled.

Still a bit confused Theo opened his mouth and accepted the berry that was offered to him, and every other fruit she held out for him.

This is weird, she is weird, anyone just being nice to him was weird.; good weird.

The pulled into the parking lot and Theo parked in the visitors area.

‘I’ll be in the library.’ Theo said as they got out of the truck.

 ‘Alright, I’ll meet you there after I’m done OK.’

Theo watched as she headed toward the main building, sighing as she disappeared behind the double doors.

He stood there a second longer before heading to the library, Mason was waiting by the door to let him in since he didn’t have a school ID badge to get in anymore.

‘What took so long?’ Liam asked.

‘Some of us care about our appearance.’ Theo smirked.

Liam rolled his eyes, but didn’t say anything.

‘What do you want?’ Theo asked seriously.

‘Things have been quiet.’ Liam started.

‘Like suspiciously quiet, considering how bad things were not too long ago. Like maybe someone is plotting something, kinda quiet.’ Mason added.

‘Well the Anukite was responsible most of that madness, but not all of it. I think Monroe took her heavy hitters with her when she ditched town.’ Theo replied as he sat down.

‘It would explain the sudden surge in vacant houses.’ Mason said.

‘That and the fact that everyone knows this town is horror show and they’d have better luck surviving at the Bates Motel.’ Theo added.

‘So the bad guys left because they lost and everyone else is leaving because they’re scared of us?’ Liam asked.  

‘Pretty much, look I know you’re ready to prove you’re ready to take charge as an alpha. That doesn’t mean looking for trouble when there isn’t any.’ Theo advised.

Liam’s muscles tensed the way they always did when he was struggling to control his anger.

‘Maybe he’s right man, maybe things are just good for now.’ Mason suggested.

'What if he’s wrong and there is something going on?’ Liam argued.

‘Then he’s wrong, what are we gonna do? Go around driving yourself nuts over a problem with no clues, leads or confirmation that there even is a problem?’ Mason reasoned.

‘Fine, but keep your eye out for anything suspicious, I mean anything.’ Liam conceded.

‘Cross my heart.’ Theo smiled.

‘Do you even have one?’ Liam glared.

‘If I did you’d be breaking it.’ Theo said in mock hurt.

‘Theo?’

The chimera turned and saw (Y/N) walking into the library.

‘How’d you get in without-’

‘I actually follow rules and get a visitors badge when I come here.’ she interrupted holding up the badge.

‘Who is this?’ Liam asked, eyeing (Y/N) suspiciously.

‘I’m (Y/N), Theo’s friend.’

‘Theo doesn’t have friends.’ Liam replied.

‘Okay, that was a real dick thing to say kid, I don’t know what your beef is with him, but Theo has been nothing but nice to me. And you clearly  don’t dislike him too much since you called him here.’ she sassed.

Liam looked taken back, clearly not expecting her to talk back or defend Theo.

‘Are you done here Theo?’ she asked, turning her back to Liam and Mason.

‘Uh yeah.’

‘Good let’s go home.’ she said pulling Theo out of chair and out of the library.

‘Rude little shit, why did he call you if all he was gonna do was put you down? I almost kicked him, and I never hit people! Not even in bumper carts.’ she angrily grumbled as the reached the car.

‘Did...did you just defend my honor?’ Theo asked.

‘Yeah, you got a problem with that?’ she snapped.

‘Nope.’ he smiled.

‘Good.’

#theo #teen wolf imagines #liam dunbar #mason #theo imagine

[raptorreels]

Deliver Us From Evil (2014)

a note from the future: more like deliver us from this script. If I had to endure this movie, you have to read about me enduring this movie

also good ol gore warning and one pic of a pretty gross dead cat prop becasue the FX department were the only people who did some fucking work on this movie that is in any way effective

Gotta love how every possession movie since the exorcist insists on having a backstory scene in the Middle East.

Someone fire the sound editor please.

That is zero percent how emt's work

It's not just the start scene. Somebody should seriously have cut the Blatty estate a fcking check for this

Gotta love this complex cinematic language. You know it's a bad neighborhood when they make fingerguns at you and the women are wearing tiny shorts. Such bad. Much decay.

Your radar is gay.

Wow this must be fiction, there's an immediate and effective response to domestic violence and the victim isn't coverin for the abuser.

“that's enough for christ's sake this isn't batman”  CALLED OUT, BRUCE. Yeah geeze guy put on some bat ears before you beat the shit out of suspects

you know he's Intense because he owns a punching bag and it's Worn. Definitely intensity and not a sign you spent a whole fifteen dollars at the goodwill.

What kind of weirdo gets a shot of whiskey in the middle of a run???? Introducing: the weirdest alocholic.

Oh nooo it's a menacing owl.

For a big budget movie, this shit watches like something a film student put together while hungover for a last-minute participation grade in a contest of how many half-baked cliches they can sew together.

Alcoholic jogger is a jesuit. Hokay then.

This is so. Badly. Written. Like not even at the plot level, just at the everyday klunky ass 'noone on god's green earth speaks like that' level. And there hasn't been a decent extra yet.

The only good thing about this movie are the references. The Doors, Larry Byrd and the Addams Family already.

These guys are terrible cops. Fucking calling people whackjobs to their faces, fucking assholes. And calling everybody whackjobs too, not just the clearly drug addicts. Like no bro their house got broken into that's not crazy. Fuck off.

“You wanna read him his rights or shoot him while he's down.” funny line, made funnier by my desperation to enjoy SOMETHING about this movie other than eric bana's pleasantly handsome face.

Yeah leave your partner alone in the creepy basement, that's both procedure and always ends we

i'm not a doctor but that doesn't look great

gaaaaaaaaaaaasp not someone wearing a hoodie in the fall. Real sinister intent there.

Ok from personal experience, moble radios pic up weird static all the time

WELL THEN. and okay i also had to cap this because it’s a great fucking creepy prop, and i can’t believe it got wasted on this shitty as movie.

this guy is cute but he can. Not. Act. Bana is phoing it in half the time too, which I cannot blame him for, this script is a total fucking disaster. From a wtf-ass plot all the way down to wtf-is-this-dialogue. It's like they shredded the pilot scripts of a hundred dumb horror tv shows, threw in a buddy cop comedy and just taped together any line that immediately made a normal human roll their eyes.

Drank TWO QUARTS of paint thinner. Jesus christ.

Well at least they have the dysfnctional cop homelife down. Insert bitter authorial cops-kid laugh.

Could they really not afford any decent fill cast???? none can deliever a line without it sounding like telepromted BS

“a combat videographer”

sure let's run through the stock creepy sound loops, regardless of whether it makes sense. Everything is creepy if you turn off the lights, right?

“upstairs is for the disturbed, down here is for the dangerous and deranged” that is. Zero percent how it works.

When you stick your arm in the crazy chick's cell, you don't get to be shocked when she tries to bite it off. Also, with all the biting that goes in this movie you would think it would turn out to Mean Something. It does not. We get closeups for it for no fucking reason at all.

Rough and tumble street cop recognizes latin immediately when he hears it. Shit son I took latin for three years and I couldn't pick it up like that.

“they might kill me slowly but they won't kill me fast” I feel that

“persian pictographs” you couldn't even be assed to find some, those are literally egyptian

this movie is just. It's so bad.

I can't.

“i don't wanna talk abou it” you JUTS SAID you thought something was wrong!!! with you!!!  how is that NOT an invitation/request to talk about it???? ffs

well that's not great

“those who are suspetable become possessed” by seeing some bad dog latin and cribbed ancient egyptian? No discussion of what susptible means, either. Fuck world building, we stumble through this bullshit plot like men.

I always deeply dislike the “serious evil has no rhym or reason” bullshit it doesn't

oh look, the partner reappears. Now taking bets on his remaining lifespan.

What child has EVER enarestly earned a fucking jakc in the box

“do you have a crucifix in your home?” “we're italian, what do you think?” is THAT the fucking accent you were doing? Fuck I thought that was some bad third generation irish-american shit.

You gonna get eat by a demon and you still can't talk about your feels? Big. Mood.

His magic power is literally that he can hear the soundtrack.

Guys guys. Guys it's a CLOWN jack in the box. Literally WHAT CHILD????????

gotta give it up to the FX folks at least, they're the only ones who showed up to work for this movie:

man the reports this guy files must be great. I once filled out five pages of explanation about having to replace a blown tire, I don't even wanna think about what cops who leave the scenes of crime scenes they just called in have to file.

Nice of the cinamatographer to finally show up to work

“well do the exorcism now” “what the fuuuuck”  giggles

and now we pretend we aren't the exorcist again. Badly.

“god knows your name, knows your number.”  your.....number???

“oh. My. Fuck.” at least we get a realistic response to an exorcism from an onlooker. And oh, I know what you're thinking. Surely this guy watching will be relevant to the plot. Does the demon jump into him? Is he the after-credits scare? Will he later get this cop in trouble for this unauthorized shit? N o p e. It's just a fucking thing that exists to pad out this excerable script.

That's not the Clash, that's The Doors. (this movie doesn't deserve a better joke)

qick and dirty exorcisms, five minutes or less

that movie was so. Bad. Eric Bana you failed me.

#Deliver Us From Evil #Deliver Us From Evil (2014) #i fucking suffered for this movie #also put this on the wrong blog #ffs i'm useless

[druidcandy]

I’m taking a break from drawing to type, because I guess I hate my hands???

Whatever I’m done with the bullshit time for other bullshit

Here’s a bunch of worldbuilding questions that I’m answering for Clark Monroe, private detective and accidental blood mage

Does your character have siblings or family members in their age group? Which one are they closest with? Clark has his older brother Brandon, and his younger siblings Julie and Charlie. Clark is closest with Charlie because A) He still lives in Leviathan so they get to hang out a lot and B) Brandon’s over-competitiveness and Julie’s brattiness (which she’s grown out of) kept Charlie from hanging out with his siblings except his very chill second oldest sibling.

What is/was your character’s relationship with their mother like? A little bit of that new england bostonian kind of “oh, ma” kind of thing. He’s a little exasperated at her a lot because she still tends to treat her kids like they’re kids, but he knows she means her best and is looking out for them still.

What is/was your character’s relationship with their father like? Kind of respectful, but lightly distant. Clark definitely gained his love of noir movies from his dad, but neither of them are particularly great communicators. That said, when Clark suddenly quit his job on the force (due to a very messy divorce), he was ready and able to quickly secure him a job as a landlord (that kind of fell off with time) and he helped get a private detective office.

Has your character ever witnessed something that fundamentally changed them? If so, does anyone else know? One time he shot a man in self defense and gained magic powers Less of a sudden change in self and more a massive realization of something that’s been happening his entire life, but yes. It takes place a fair amount of the way within his story so I don’t want to out and out say it, but Charlie is the first to know and keeps it secret until Clark tells the rest of his friends/family.

On an average day, what can be found in your character’s pockets? Phone, wallet, several kinds of keys and keyrings, and a small notepad + pen.

Does your character have recurring themes in their dreams? Sometimes he dreams about the lives of the people who were sacrificed in the ritual he accidentally finished. Usually once he realizes it, it turns into a mishmash of their lives, his, and various experiences and memories mixing themselves together.

Does your character have recurring themes in their nightmares? Sometimes he also dreams about their deaths too.

Has your character ever fired a gun? If so, what was their first target? He was a cop, so yes. His mom kept him from even getting near a gun until high school, where he started practicing on a shooting range with nothing larger than a pistol.

Is your character’s current socioeconomic status different than it was when they were growing up? He’s a little more broke than he was before, but considering he’s still got a hell of a lot of job and financial security he’s still pretty well off. Not suburban castle rich like Brandon, but doing pretty well.

Does your character feel more comfortable with more clothing, or with less clothing? Clark will go to a beach in a tshirt, maybe a very conservative chopped tshirt bro tank if he’s gonna be somewhere really hot. He’s really uncomfortable with his shirt off in front of other people and he doesn’t really know why.

In what situation was your character the most afraid they’ve ever been? I said it earlier as a joke, but literally singlehandedly stumbling your way into an occult ritual and having to shoot a crazy dude in self defense while lights swarm around him, leading said lights to swarm around you and lift you into the air before turning your gun into gold and sending out a shockwave that breaks windows before it all goes into your body is super terrifying when you have 0 context for the supernatrual and suddenly it’s all happening to you.

In what situation was your character the most calm they’ve ever been? The week after his honeymoon. No more upcoming events, no deadlines, no nothing but a break from work and relaxing with his wife.

Is your character bothered by the sight of blood? If so, in what way? It makes him nervous about where the blood came from and he thinks it’s gross to touch, but otherwise he’s completely fine.

Does your character remember names or faces easier? Faces, but he has a fantastic memory either way.

Is your character preoccupied with money or material possession? Why or why not? No, because he’s managed to get himself into positions where he doesn’t really need a lot of capital or physical items for his job. He likes jewelry and jewelry making, and starts to take that interest from “quiet shame” to “thing I enjoy” when he learns he’s good at enchantment spells, but it’s more for utility than aesthetics and he’ll gladly enchant something ugly/cheap if it has a strong enough emotional connection to the person (because that usually makes the spell way stronger).

Which does your character idealize most: happiness or success? In his mind they’re interchangable. He likes doing a good job at things. At the end of the day though he’s more into happiness.

What was your character’s favorite toy as a child? He was really into batman and had some cool action figures. Brandon calls him “boy wonder” sometimes still.

Is your character more likely to admire wisdom, or ambition in others? Wisdom. He’s seen too many movies where the ambition of man leads to hubris and a downfall.

What is your character’s biggest relationship flaw? Has this flaw destroyed relationships for them before? He’s a doormat who will take a lot of nonsense from people he’s seeing until it all boils over at once, and tends to not start arguments but definitely continue them. He’s also overly negative/critical at times. This lead to an incredibly messy divorce that lead him to resign from the force (since his ex worked with him) and kind of distance himself from most of his friends.

In what ways does your character compare themselves to others? Do they do this for the sake of self-validation, or self-criticism? He mostly compares himself on a professional level to criticize himself, although there are moments where he mentally goes “I’m a tall sack of crap in a crappy trenchcoat and this person looks astounding”.

If something tragic or negative happens to your character, do they believe they may have caused or deserved it, or are they quick to blame others? He usually thinks “this is just a thing that happens”, but most of the time if he’s blaming things he’s blaming himself.

What does your character like in other people? He likes honesty and straightforwardness, along with the ability to have fun with themselves.

What does your character dislike in other people? Coldness and callousness. He likes people who are honest, but you can only take it too far before being an asshole at heart.

How quick is your character to trust someone else? Depends on what they need to be trusted in and what they do. Clark believes actions are louder than words, and some of his actions are 

How quick is your character to suspect someone else? Does this change if they are close with that person? If there’s reason to investigate, there’s reason to investigate. That said, if he knows the person, he often goes to them first to try and get the story of what’s happening before getting them in real trouble.

How does your character behave around children? Cool uncle. But like, a chill cool uncle. Benji, one of his nephews, has literally ran away to end up at his house after getting in a fight with his parents before.

How does your character normally deal with confrontation? He tries to be a calming and defusing presence, but is quick to action if he thinks someone could get hurt.

How quick or slow is your character to resort to physical violence in a confrontation? Quick if they’re hurting something or doing something that could hurt others, slow otherwise.

What did your character dream of being or doing as a child? Did that dream come true? Clark basically always thought detectives were cool. He got real interested in cooking in high school, but by then it was too little too late.

What does your character find repulsive or disgusting? Gross food, unclean kitchens, and slutwear in public. Satur, an incubus who’s bonded to his freeloading roommate, typically is responsible for two of these at all times.

Describe a scenario in which your character feels most comfortable. Watching Casablanca for the millionth time and eating good food.

Describe a scenario in which your character feels most uncomfortable. Having to introduce his real life friends to magical elements, especially if they have a fear of what he’s introducing.

In the face of criticism, is your character defensive, self-deprecating, or willing to improve? Defensive, but he won’t say anything about it out loud. He’ll usually get mad quietly, and rant about it later. He takes criticism better if someone means well by it.

Is your character more likely to keep trying a solution/method that didn’t work the first time, or immediately move on to a different solution/method? If it’s meant to work in that situation (whether or not it still does), he’ll try over and over before finally moving on. If it’s just a guess or an idea, he’ll just as quickly jump ship onto something that will possibly work.

How does your character behave around people they like? He is the unfortunate but necessary Dad Friend. But like, a cool dad. He tends to get worried for other’s safety easily and he’s always willing to lend a hand or an ear to people.

How does your character behave around people they dislike? He’s somewhat unsubtle in his contempt of people he dislikes, but tends to avoid rather than cause a scene if they share mutual friends or it’d be a bad time to get in a fight.

Is your character more concerned with defending their honor, or protecting their status? Honor. Clark doesn’t really care about his position in life, but likes to think of himself as a good person and secretly tries styling himself after a noir hero.

Is your character more likely to remove a problem/threat, or remove themselves from a problem/threat? He is more likely to remove the threat than remove himself, if it’ll help other people.

Has your character ever been bitten by an animal? How were they affected (or unaffected)? Got bit by a class rabbit once. Ever since, he’s been nervous around animals (which is why he prefers living in a city).

How does your character treat people in service jobs? He’s polite, tips well, and is generally understanding about stuff, but he’s the kind of person who will pull out case notes and sit for hours looking over his work without actually ordering anything.

Does your character feel that they deserve to have what they want, whether it be material or abstract, or do they feel they must earn it first? Clark usually feels like he needs to earn things, but he still gets frustrated when he doesn’t get them right away.

Has your character ever had a parental figure who was not related to them? He’s had role models, but never a parental figure other than his own.

Has your character ever had a dependent figure who was not related to them? He’s had a freeloader (who became a capable adult with the help of an incubus), a “son” (not flesh and blood but made of magic), and someone else’s kid after they disappeared suddenly.

How easy or difficult is it for your character to say “I love you?” Can they say it without meaning it? The other person has to say it first usually, and he usually doesn’t say it unless he’s in a setting where it’s just him and the other person. He’s not a big fan of vulnerability in front of more than one person. He can’t say it without meaning it, too.

What does your character believe will happen to them after they die? Does this belief scare them? The thing that scares him is most blood mages just get really good at not dying. He’s scared he won’t, anymore.

[salty-dracon]

ace hang invites more people to fuck around on youtube

THE REAL VAMPIRES OF RC | Interview with Adrian from PerpetualThirst!

Adrian: So being a vampire... it’s like, you know, being gay. Not that you’d understand since you’re not gay. Well, I’m not either, but I’m a vampire.

Lily: O...kay?

Adrian: Like, no one chooses to be a vampire. It’s just a thing that happens. Like when you’re gay. And you can tell because you have these huge pointy canine teeth and you really want to drink blood. Kinda like when you’re gay, and you want to fuck people that are the same gender as you. 

Val: Heh. So do people like, want to kill you for it or something?

Adrian: Yeah, I’ve gotten arrested once or twice for like, just trying to get my fill. It’s really hard. People just aren’t willing to donate their blood anymore. So, like, you have to take it. Sometimes by force. Using a knife.

Lily: So you’ve actually attacked someone for their blood?

Adrian: Yeah. It’s normal.

Val: ...

Lily: ...

Adrian: You know how the cops used to attack gay people for being gay? It’s like that.

---

BUSINESS LADY | Interview with some business lady!

Amelia: So tell me about this... YouTube.

Lily: Well, it’s the only major and general platform for sharing video with the general public. Well, not “only”, more like “biggest and easiest to use”.

Amelia: I see, I see. So, what other platforms exist?

Lily: Uhhh, Twitch?

Val: But that’s more livestreaming stuff, and it’s gamer-oriented. Oh, and DailyMotion. And Vimeo.

Lily: But DailyMotion is laggy and annoying, and Vimeo’s geared towards professional animators and stuff like that. And we’re just regular ol’ kids who edit videos of us gaming. 

Val: But YouTube has its share of problems. Like demonetizing videos that contain otherwise nonoffensive words like “lesbian” or “gay” or stuff like that. Like, now they’re demonetizing everything. And for people who basically make a job through this service, it’s absolutely devastating.

Lily: Yeah, and YouTube also does nothing for content creators that actually ruin the system for everyone else. I’m sure you’ve heard of the PewDiePie scandals. 

Amelia: Thaumas?

Thaumas: *offscreen* A very popular YouTube star has made a number of antisemetic and racist remarks in the past. 

Lily: Oh yeah, and then there was the viewcount drop for whatever reason. 

Val: Is that even over?

Lily: I have no clue.

Amelia: Ah, interesting. I know there are parts of my company which use this platform to... train others. So, what is the relation of this platform, to say, consumers like you? If you do view videos.

Angel: *offscreen* Ms. Fisher, the tea is ready.

Amelia: Does he know you run this channel?

Lily: Of course he does. We even had him show up in some of our videos. 

Amelia: Can I see?

(Lily and Val exchange worried glances)

----

UP TO Y’ALL | Talking Asexuality w/ Straight Ass Narin!

Narin: So, like, what if you four were stuck on an island together? Would you, like... fuck?

Arthur: No.

Narin: But you’re asexuals, which means you don’t necessarily dislike sex. You just... don’t want to fuck people on sight. Right?

Lily: No one fucking touches me.

Val: I don’t really care about fucking.

Brid: It’s not like I want to screw strangers.

Arthur: I’m uncomfortable with the idea.

Lily: Besides, I feel like babies would be a bad idea on a desert island. And maybe they have STDs, I don’t know.

Narin: But couldn’t you fuck Brid?

Brid: N-No! I mean, Lily’s just... she’s not someone I really like... 

Lily: Brid could have a yeast infection or something!

Narin: Just use condoms or something.

Lily: On a desert island?

Narin: Make your own!

Everyone: ............

----

THIS GAME IS SATAN | Doki Doki Literature Club w/ Clubs and Hearts!

(Some jumpscare happens. Val jumps back, Lily almost screams but starts choking on her own spit and collapses on the ground, Brid looks like she’s about to have a panic attack, and Arthur looks like he’s about to cry)

Lily: GAHKKK... KFFF... water... *loud coughing*

Arthur: JESUS FUCK DONT KILL ME!

Brid: OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD

Val: Iswearmyheartjustfuckingstoppedohgodmybodyscramping.... fuck *falls out of chair*

(Angel walks in. He sees the kids in varying degrees of pain. After trying to contemplate what to do for a few seconds, he leaves.)

Val: I don’t think we can move on. So thanks for watching, that’s the end of this episode of Doki Doki Literature Club. Like and subscribe, comment down below, please tell us how to get the good ending.

Arthur: *actually starts crying*

----

FILMING IN LILY’S HOUSE | Danganronpa Chapter 3 w/ Not Narin!

Brooke: So where’s your sister? I’m kinda getting paid by the hour to tutor her.

Lily: Who knows. Just let us know if we’re being too loud. Silently. We’re filming Danganronpa today. 

Brooke: ...what?

Val: The video game. Danganronpa.

Brooke: ... My brother’s going to pick me up, just saying. So, if you see this red Tesla out front, it’s his.

Val: Tesla? Holy shit.

Lily: His name’s Grey, right? My mom won’t stop asking me to ask him about college and shit. And then she does it herself. Oh god, he must feel awkward.

Brooke: Yeah. He’s probably not interested in you or your mom, to be honest. No wonder your sister can’t stop complaining about her... Can I take my smoke break now?

Val: You smoke?

Brooke: Oh god, not again... Listen, I don’t care if I die from lung cancer-

Val: No, we’re fine with it, just not in the house. And my dad’s downstairs talking with her mom. About tea. Just not around them.

Lily: Yeah, my mom will never let a smoker in the house. 

Brooke: ...Thank you.

----

BE A MAN | Life Lessons w/ Angel!

Angel: *addressing lily and brid* While you may receive enjoyment out of nonconformity to gender ideals, it’s your conformity to various aspects that will help you rise in the educated world. For example, a woman should always be well-dressed. Never immodest, but well-dressed. 

(Lily blatantly doesn’t care, Brid’s listening but looking bored)

Angel: A woman should also be confident in her own sexuality, no matter what society tries to tell her. When you’ve ascended high enough in the social ladder, and trust me, you’ll know when, you can afford to be confident in that way. Until then, you must rely on your wits. The same applies to men. They must always follow the same rules a woman does, to uphold a standard that is to be respected. Furthermore, as women are historically more fragile and important creatures to mankind’s survival, a man must take every step to protect the women in his life, as well as to never hurt a woman themselves. Women should never be afraid to defend themselves, and speak the truth. 

Brid: Okay, I think that’s enough-

Angel: However, you may meet a man one day that you have... feelings for. Know that the hot feeling you get down there is absolutely normal for a woman your age, and is nothing to be ashamed of. You may start to crave the feeling of... something... down there. Long and phallic. While men aren’t necessary for the long and phallic nature of the object you want in there, it’s perfectly normal to want something.

Lily: Okay, okay-

Angel: If you do decide to stick objects up your vagina, men would rather you keep it a private matter. I don’t mind, of course- but men in general would rather that the only thing that enter your sacred flower be their penis-

Lily: And that’s all the time we have for this episode. Tune in tomorrow for more shenanigans involving video games and sh-stuff. Bye. Like and subscribe.

Angel: And comment in the comments section! Only nice things of course!

*Brid facepalms*

----

HOW TO BOOB RESPONSIBLY | Shantae: Half-Genie Hero!

(Giga Mermaid Level)

Lily: ALL I WANNA DOOO IS SEE YOU TURN INTOOO A GIANT WOMAN

Val: WITH BIG ASS BOOBS

Lily: THIS IS LITERALLY A GAME FOR LESBIANS

Michy: *pops head in* Lesbians?

Val: OH MY GOD I DIED

Lily: Big booby mermaids!

Michy: Dude, what the fuck? I wanna see!... that is one thicc mermaid

#ace hang #life as an aj