#i need some rest it's been a long day

[cooloddball]

LOVEE your jib 10 closing ceremony analysis. You are too funny. Can you do jib 10. Pleeease?

thanks. i don't think i'm funny but i'll take it. :)

so i haven't done a full jib10 analysis because cringe but... here are some of the things i have shared about it:

bonergate

thee selfie (jib10 selfie)

key gay moments

mishalecki vs cockles jib10 panels

#asks #anon #cockles #i might analyze it one day when i'm like high or something like i did with jib8 #i love them but that panel is a lot to process #god i'm so physically tired rn #so to all those whose asks are in my inbox i promise i will answer them tomorrow #i need some rest it's been a long day

[skunkes]

if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.

#i cant let go of it. i cant even enjoy good moments without thinking about how they'll just be memories one day #how they're already memories since moments pass so fast #everything is I'll Miss This and i already miss it and i cant believe once you're gone you're gone forever #and ill never ever see you again. and your shell is in the ground but where did the rest of you go? #should i look at your body one last time? on one hand itll be the last time i see you. #on the other hand it will be the last time i see you. #and the memory of you will die with me too. as if neither ever existed #it impacts me so much too bc i dont feel close to anybody really...and i dont make friends easily #so whats going to happen when the people who have always been there arent there anymore? #im going to be alone for so much of my life. #i will record your voice so im ready for when i cant hear it from the source while also knowing it wont be enough and one day #ill be wishing it lasted longer. it could be 12 hours long and ill want more. #how do you surpass this? it hasn't even happened. when it happens i don't know what ill do. considering my whole life has been #the timer. the countdown. hours and hours of anticipatory grief #and then ill be next. me. some of all thats left of you. it cant be true. #sorry. this gets worse every single year and its been going insane lately #id surprisingly been managing it well for months somehow ! it wouldnt cross my mind...and now its there again #like it accumulated and its all coming out right now. ive been crying for hrs tonight and last night #one day his things will just be things. things ive made and given him will be in my hands again. #talkys #i want to go hug my dad but then ill just cry over how one day i wont be able to....! how do i store it? how do i save it? #how do i preserve it forever....even as i take my own last breath.... #i cant believe im the only one of me. and my dad is the only one of him. #i wouldnt want to be reborn as anyone else. i cant believe one day i wont get to draw or eat or be comfy in bed anymore. #i cant take it !! im so scared. ill be scared until the end. and you wont be there to hold my hand. im going to be alone. #and none of those years of grief and joy and memories will matter. #i wonder if it would help to tell him about this. i need something to hold onto for when it happens. anything. but i also know it'll make i #hurt more; obviously. just another piece of him that'll be gone one day

[abluehappyface]

I'm going to post what is I guess a story relating to my personal experiences being on this earth. This is mostly for my benefit. Look if you want I guess, but just know that there will be some potentially triggering stuff, but I don't know what it is, so I can't tag it right now

My Life as a Monster

You stare at me like I'm some sort of beast, a thing merely meant to be caged. Something you feel the need to be protected from. You watch, knowing that I can't get you from your bedroom window, at the spectacle you think I am. You aim your camera at me, the flash reflecting off the glass I sit behind, as you film and photograph me for no other reason except that I'm here. When I'm among you, you stare at me with mocking gazes, your eyes becoming yet another set in an endless number of pairs that make their way to dig into mine. No matter how well I think I'm camouflaged, you always sniff me out, and then you let me know how I'm unwelcome here.

I'm especially afraid of women. All humans my same age startle me, but women more so. Women have always been more scornful to me. They told me how unwanted I was for me to hear. They shunned me from their groups, leaving me an outcast as a child. Women do not like me, I know this as fact.

Their actions are always deliberate. Humans make it a point to leave me out, to the point I feel I'm not one. I may have lost my humanity, turned into a beast, or maybe both at once, but I know for certain that there are times where human is something I'm not. I may be the monster stuck inside a human husk that I think I am, or perhaps I'm an outcast being overdramatic, but I know that humans do not like me. I do not fit in. I am but a beast.

As if being ostracized as a child wasn't enough, you continue to gawk at me. What have I done to receive your judgement? Why must you hunt us beasts? Mother doesn't understand why I don't leave the cave, as if I ever could. If I leave the cave, the humans will stand watch, waiting to scout me out.

My existence is a worldly secret, and a secret I shall stay. If I seek out a place amongst the humans they will reject me. No human will want me as a partner or friend. I am a beast in a world where existence is a joke. To avoid their mocking eyes, the cave is where I stay.

I know humans are resilient beings, that they can choose to change, that acceptance of us monsters is not unheard of, but I do not depend on it. When you've lived the life of a beast, you prepare yourself for scorn. Your hopes mustn't be up too high, else you'll fall and break your horns. I wish I was the fuzzy, colorful beast that humans love, but I am not. I am a dark, shaggy beast, with curled, antler-like horns, fangs, claws, and eyes that glow white in darkness. I am not a friend to them, I am something to be hunted.

As much as I love being my beastly self, I fear being myself is what's causing my downfall. I don't want to change to make myself palatable to the humans. They do not deserve it after what has happened to me. Even so, a monster like me still wonders what connection can feel like. To think some humans tolerate me, like me even, but they live too far away... I wish I could be with them.

However, this is no longer the case. Past human friends have betrayed me, apart from one. I have no true desires to befriend humans. As my grandmother once told me, I'm "too monstrous and hostile" for friends. I'm to monstrous for everyone. I'm too monstrous for myself. The human body I reside in is just a defense from the humans around me. I feel no true, meaningful attachment to this body.

I am the metaphorical version of a kitten that wasn't socialized. I cannot connect with others. I do not connect with others. I'm not meant to. I am designed for solitude.

I'm just a creature who's strange. I know I should care not of what others think, and yet I still do. I care because I am afraid. I am still afraid of humans my own age, especially women. If I could get everything I needed without leaving this house, the world would never see me again.

I am such an irrational thing. Here I am, a potential gynephobe who's a lesbian being encroached upon by a beast. Here I am, knowing most people don't care about me, yet I still care enough in case they press record again. Humans could be nice, but I must distrust them for my safety. They'll never know me well enough to know this. I must make sure of it.

I feel it has gotten so hopeless that my younger sister feels that she needs to intervene. She does a lot of talking for me. She pulls at my arms to try and get me to speak with humans. Even if it was a joke, it made me realize how hopelessly helpless I am. She feels I speak to no one, and she is right.

Worst of all, I know that I must change. Eventually I'm going to have to provide for myself. I don't wish to tell mother of my beastly affliction, though I have no reason not to. I suppose I am a cautious beast. How cautious is too cautious I wonder?

The beastly affliction is affecting major parts of my life. I remain in the cave all day. I speak to no outsiders. I rely on my little sister too much. My mother says she feels she has failed me. I do not wish to be a defective child. I do not wish to be a beast. I wish I could cry beastly golden tears until I'm washed clean of my beastly essences.

I am a pathetic beast. I am not strong. I am a lowly creature. I am a strange thing that cannot be understood. I shall forever remain a beast, and society shall forever hate me.

I feel I am stuck in place. I don't often think about my beastliness, but when I do it feels paralyzing. I don't know what to make of it. I don't know if it will change. I turn 20 in three days and I'm still the beast from when I was 16. I'm still the monster, I feel I forever will be. I feel the world has gone one without me, but I'm fine with that. I know nothing else at this point.

#pov you're a beast expressing how you feel after being ostracized and excluded from society‚ especially as a child #but irl im AM this beast and have been for nearly four years #all because my grandmother told me that I would be hostile and monstrous in tone for the rest of my life #and she's right because my autistic beastly ass could never sound like a pleasant human ever #and ive never talked about the possible gynephobia because ill likely be labeled a sexist #and I don't need any more reasons for humans to hate me #no i don't look like the beast i am on the outside‚ but there are days where I sure as hell feel it #most of the time I feel like im just some person‚ but other days‚ im a beast (and a father pathetic one at that) #so yeah‚ this is about me #im the beast in this 'letter' #bluey's miscellaneous posts #bluey's nonsense #bluey's beastly hours #bluey's vents #bluey's long posts #bluey's life #bluey's serious stuff #bluey's actual life #bluey's rambling #abluehappyface

[crossbackpoke-check]

Substance, Shadow, and Spirit [remixed, abridged] by Tao Yuanming

#liv in the replies #patrice bergeron #boston bruins #brad marchand #do you ever think about how brad marchand said that when bergy retired he would retire or are you capable of normal thought i'm not at all #please say a gratitude for both my sanity& y'all that this poem (which has been saved in my camera roll with the vague idea of using it for #??? ​long) & not one of the poems i had saved for carey for a really long time & remixed & everything with another poem until i found a poem #that absolutely murdered me in cold blood but there is an alternate universe where i did& then had to explain my unhinged thoughts to you. #anyway how are we feeling about bergy retirement. pspspspsp sara & luna are y'all doing okay like. the doc title for this one was #patrice the hockey player means a lot to me but patrice the person means so much more #which is why the end line of the other poem was so *%"@^)! (you love / what you are) because patrice does. like he is a whole ass good huma #& now since no one asked i need to tell you all the details about everything also y'all please clap i made an edit with NO baby pictures #although i did find one & save it & minimal genres of photo i always use in edits because they're my taste & aesthetic but anyway. #when i saved the first photo and marked it as one i wanted i accidentally wrote “how will he know they love him” which is not the line but #makes me feel feral about patrice & the rest of them all had hurtful names too but also. the third picture is literally a CELLY like brad #just scored a goal & he is clinging to bergy for dear life with that shit i saved that as “oh the agony on his face for unendurable” #& yes it is one of my cliches to have a draft day picture but in my defense the lifelong bond that patrice has/d with boston deserved to be #there even if i put in the love story & YES that picture is from the 2011 playoff right below it shared joy & pain & i couldn't tell you #when the brad marchy photo for together forever is except for the fact that i saw it & just the gut punch of oh my god the way he looks at #things men will praise you for is the stanley cup. duh. but i love the contrast of “some deed” being the stanley cup but then #bergy's choice to do noble deeds (ends up still earning praise &that's my note to his efforts outside of hockey we love a supportive captai #should also mention the first two i came up with & had the photos i knew i wanted for were the first and last one alskaldk but i KNEW i #wanted chara somewhere in the paragraph about leaving & then while i was looking found the one of bergy playing tuukka on accident & yes #i do have to make goalie jokes every time. no reprieve . no dice/no deal/no goal goalies have no rest/reprieve etc etc the one that killed #me though was looking for a patrice award pic & i wanted basically the one that i got for “how will you know any will praise you” & instead #also got the picture of patrice winning the some community hero award for charity work that he does & i love him mama & of COURSE that puck #is from bergy's 1000 game who do you think I am (if you guessed sleepy and emotional about patrice you'd be right) and ALSO please be ready #for all the patrice posts/bruins posts that have been sitting in my drafts to be released on this occasion of patrice retirement #I FORGOT TO MENTION THAT TUUKKA ALSO RETIRED THAT’S WHY HE WAS ON WISE OR SIMPLE NO REPRIEVE AND THAT LATE OR SOON WAS ALWAYS GOING TO BE #CHARA BECAUSE CHARA LEFT FIRST TO GO TO THE CAPS AND THEN LEFT IN RETIRMENT HE LEFT SOON BUT NOT FOR REAL THEN LATER LEFT FOR REAL (RETIRED)

[ialwaysknewyouwerepunk]

.

#these past two weeks have been so intense that ive just.. not spoken about it once i got home from work #blocked it all out #my beloved colleague whose desk is next to mine has cancer #breast and uterus. she needs two major surgeries #they just diagnosed her two weeks ago #so we've been trying to deal with that as colleagues and friends #because we love and miss her and i am so deeply sad as well #but i feel like i couldn't process that at all bc two days after the news of her diagnosis i was asked to take on half of her work #on top of my fulltime #which i agreed to do bc i like her tasks and i want to help her and i also know i can do it #but it does feel very off bc i know i don't earn enough money for this workload to be long term and it is def like this #for the coming four months at least #so i did tell my manager that i would like a raise and. that bitch told me to BUY MORE SECOND HAND SHIT. #i seriously thought i saw my life flash before my eyes #then the day after she asked one of my colleagues who's been with the firm for over 30 years whether she was looking for another job maybe? #which caused that colleague to instantly go home in tears and be home from basically a nervous breakdown the past 1.5 week #which is her full right and i support her with all my heart but bc my management sucks it meant that we had to also carry her tasks ofc #i felt soooo spread thin and super super angry actually but i didn't even realise how angry i was until last thursday my colleague w cancer #came by the office. and talked about all of it. and i suddenly realised how sad i was but then also how angry #but i was just blocking it all out trying to stay afloat #bc we told her about what the manager had said and she said “i hope that i get the chance to really tell her how it is someday.” #“because the stress she causes with people can actually kill you. just look at me.” #and the rest of the day i felt so ready to be done with everything actually #but seeing her anger made me see my own anger #and released me of my own pent up emotions bc i had actual leg pains this week and it was purely psychosomatic #i then managed to tell some friends yesterday about what was going on and their outrage spurred me on even more #so today i emailed hr. demanding a raise #doing this amount of work while constantly feeling like the house is on fire while also struggling financially seriously makes me suicidal #and i am not joking #so.. if nothing comes of that im leaving that job and not looking back

[lonely--seeker]

Itty bitty bastard...

#I've wanted to do some op pixelart for so long #finally ;; #I needed to get this out of my sistem today #Sanji #my art #Pixelart #Aseprite #One piece #uhhh idk #i've never been convinced of posting gifs on tumblr #praying this doesn't look awful #also i'll work on request some other day i have been working on commissions since suddendly everyone wants one #I'm too tired but also brain is too escited to rest rn #someone pls knock me out

[seithr]

Randomly remembered the half-reason i call my oc-verse by the name it has while laying in bed. One-half of the reason i still knew, but I had forgotten what had truly, really cemented it jointly until now

(it was a song from my favourite band I haven't listened to in a while.)

(the song fit so well at the time, still does, that i needed to hold onto it for the main protagonists forever, by partially naming their story in reference.)

Does this explanation make any sense? Does anyone know why I'm tearing up remembering this. Aahh

#(I'm emotional because I've been feeling bad about it all lately. enjoying things I make I mean—art or ocs or frivilous things.) #(So remembering that song and when it came out. That I couldn't see them in person. But i held onto it my own way. As something I loved) #(Something I still do love a lot... Parts of me saying no—you don't hate it. No. I'll help you remember more. I'm a little misty about it.) #The song is just The Killers - Run For Cover. I couldn't see them in person all those years ago—family went without me. #All my new oc rework with Zin and Hunter and Caia were like a year old or so. #It's a little silly. But the character Zin's derived from was a lightning mage so I stuck to it—I like monhun's zinogre for what its worth #So there's recurring theme and imagery. Thunder's not lightning but the sound and the feeling after the flash the flame and strike. #There's that meaningful thought—the story is the aftermath of a big tragedy. It matches what I like in monsters and other chars. #And at that time—my favourite band I missed out on puts out a really good song I download everywhere and it goes like: #He motioned me to the sky/ I heard heaven and thunder cry/ Run for cover/ Run while you can baby don't look back/ You gotta run for cover #And it goes on of course. The rest of the song's still really good. There's more that fits but point is; More evocative imagery. #So there. Why my bundle of OCs—Zinadia Hunter and Caia's story—is called Thunder 20XX. minus the 20XX. That's tongue-in-cheek #About some day I'll manage to make something tangeable or broadly shareable with them. I guarentee this century! #Thunder... oh my darling Thunder. Eight years man. More than that if I really want to count pre-rework INTO the complete original work. but #I like that it's definably 8. I like that I remembered I've always loved them a lot. Always been my thing to lean on even by name... #I need to get to sleep. Ive gotten a little more emotional over one song than I'd rather regularly be. Give it a listen maybe? Goodnight #Armour clanking #I need an oc tag #What have you gathered to report to your progenitors?🎶Are your excuses any better than your senator's🎶He held a conference #and his wife was standing by his side🎶He did her dirty but no-one died🎶 #I saw Sonny Liston on the street last-night black-fisted and strong singing🎶Redemption song🎶 #He motioned me to the sky🎶I heard heaven and thunder cry🎶RUN FOR COVER #What are you waiting for—a kiss or an apology?🎶You think by now you'd have an A in toxicology🎶 #It's hard to pack the car when all you do is shame us🎶Even harder when the dirtbag's famous🎶 #I saw my mother on the street last night all pretty and strong singin🎶The road is long🎶 #I said 'Mama I know you tried!'🎶But she fell on her knees and cried🎶RUN FOR COVER #Just run for cover - you've got nothin left to lose...

[t4tdykes]

thinking a lot about buzzing my head again

#been having a really shitty week like. every day the past eight days has sucked in some way. #and when i get too stuck in my head i wanna change my hair #i've been measuring the length of my hair with some kind of achievement for too long i want to be buzzed again and let go #plus i look hot that way #and if i don't like it i can grow the top out again it'll be fine #but i feel like i need to just stop for a while and get it buzzed again and just. rest. i am so tired. and so sad and so mad and so lonely #really not happy with life right this minute #a.txt

[wherela]

Look I love my friends dearly and I love listening and supporting, and I will be there for them and I will be the person they can turn to, and I try so hard to be considerate, but I have nothing in me to give right now. Most of my relationships involve me just giving giving giving, and as much as I love doing that (I truly do, being someone my friends can turn to is the most wonderful thing in the world), but I have so few relationships where I receive, and it's especially hard for me right now. Maybe it's cause I'm so busy with my exams and thesis and organising a camp, but at this point I just need someone who will give me a hug and just Be There. Not try telling me what to do, or how to deal with my stress to try "help".

#current closest relationships: my best friend is dating an unbeliever and is already talking of MARRYING HIM (they've been together for like #a month. this is not an exaggeration) #my childhood friend (basically my brother at this point) has just been getting annoyed at me really easily recently so i have to be careful #the dynamic I have with S has always been me giving (which was sth he really needed at first and now thats just the way it has stayed) #my mom (whom usually i go to when I'm struggling) is in England rn and I'm alone in the house with my dad for 2 weeks. It's only been #3 days and it's already HARD #and anyone who I try to tell just want to give me advise. I DON'T WANT ADVISE I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THIS I JUST NEED SOME SUPPORT #I may just be spiraling cause I haven't had a hug since mom left. this has happened before #sorry this turned out really long :/ it was supposed to be a short paragraph not a Long Post #mine #I'll be okay in a week I think. I will be done with my exams by then and I'll be on a trip with my friends from all over Poland #I love these friends dearly and do (sometimes) feel like I can rest when with them #relacje

[thegreatbeyondmp3]

bro it sucks so much to have to go to work when you're sick

#i dont wanna go but literally if i miss another day they could fire me 😬 #i don't have covid at least according to the home tests but like. i still have a cold or something #and i can't call out because our time is so restricted #and its not even the worst attendance policy i know of but it still sucks to have to work around #esp coming from my last job where i could take off literally as much time as i needed to basically whenever i needed/wanted to #added on top of the fact that i just don't want to fuckin be there anyway #and that im scared im gonna pick up covid bc my immune system is currently weakened #ugh. i have to get through tomorrow and the next day #and then im off again #and then im on one more day before im back off again #so i will have a rest day again pretty soon at least #after being off the last three days #(the first was my legit day off but it was very busy and few days before that were the roughest of a tough couple of weeks - #the second i took off bc i had to babysit and. being completely honest. i watched all of fellow travelers thr night before. and esp after #how bad a time id been personally having lately. all the suffering and the loneliness and the romance just hit me so hard #tbh i just felt like i deserved a break and i could do some work at home to balance things out - #third day i woke up feeling sick and coughing pretty hard and just feeling generally miserable. which continued for most of the day. #but with less coughing until now bc im laying down) #i just wish i could take an extra day or two to actually kick this 😭 #sorry this is so long i can get locquacious when im tired

[greppelheks]

I think I'm slowly starting to understand that me being constantly exhausted is just because I'm finally safe and my body is no longer running on adrenaline and cortisol all the time. I've been fighting against the exhaustion for over a year but I haven't actually allowed myself to rest without feeling guilty.

#personal #I need to learn how to relax and do one thing at a time and to not put myself in so many stressful situations #I'm allowing myself to sleep in #to read more #to start my day with something enjoyable like a walk or a nice long breakfast instead of a stressful to do list #I'm setting boundaries around being available to work on my days off #I'm taking days off of work #I'm allowing myself to just sit and be and read and have a drink at a cafe somewhere #without it being something rushed #I just need to.. REST this year #I've done the self care bit like the meditation and the yoga and the walks but it's always been something #and I've only relaxed while feeling guilty and multi tasking #I just need to really and truly relax; in a way where it's not a to do list #my favorite restaurant is closed on mondays #but they're located at a big lawn with chairs and benches #and I went there after work to just read my book for 2 hours #in the shadow and the breeze on a hot day #and I felt sad depressed but it was actually really nice #making some dinner now (easy dinner) and watching a tv show

[pepprs]

not doing good. at all

#purrs #today and yesterday ive been unspeakably depressed. and no one knows what to do with me and i don’t know what to do with me. but ivs been ge #getting absolutely SHIT sleep bc of my siblings staying up late and my sisters ocd stuff which is probably part of it. I now im wide awake a #and it’s 2 and im miseravle and can’t sleep and already did sleep for 2 hours and it didn’t help and im hungry and weak #i truly don’t n kw what’s wro ng with me. i want to be happy and normal but every day i have long moments where im trying so hard not to cry #and i think most ppl would excuse themselves to go cry or take a break or like. speak up and ask for help if they’re miserable but i don’t d #do any of that. i just hold it all in until i get so tired it disappears. and then when i do snap im too miserable and ashamed to actually b #be honest about how anyone can help me which only makes me cry more. atp idk what will help. im in therapy now im about to have some time of #km eating food i like even though it’s not the healthiest ive tried resting and getting sleep and whatever. maybe im just not cut out for #any of what im doing and i just need to detach myself from reality even harder than i am already doing apparently. idk nothing im typing is #making sense i just can’t fall asleep now and im so pissed at my siblings and im pissed at my whole family for not giving a shit that im mis #miserable and easily overstimulated by noise bc i could’ve had ghe room downstairs and im still being held hostage by redacted and being #shaken awake to redacted like last night and work is killing me for the dumbest reasons. i literally cannot keep living like this #delete later

[ourbastardofsorrows]

crying a truly stupid amount over what's really just an exaggerated fender bender because i'm confronting my own mortality in a way i haven't since the great trazodone disasters of 2015-2017

#tia text #like. i know i'm fine. the other driver is fine #but on some level i keep thinking about what it would have been like if i'd died yesterday. how i could have #how that would have meant my mom would be waiting at the house for me to come home #when would she realize i wasn't? would they contact her first? #how tiberius would never get to cuddle me again (and vice versa) #how with just 10 1/2 days left in the school year my students would never see me again. they'd need a long term sub for 10 1/2 days #it sounds silly but it's worse when tiberius & i are cuddling #bc it really brings home how close i was to never having that again #anyway i'll be okay. i might walk to work the rest of the school year bc i had a panic attack at the library after driving there #(a car came too close to me on the side where i was hit & it was just. too much) #g-d i'm pathetic

[raamitsu]

SIU-nim is taking a break, it seems again.

#i remembered when it took him way too long to return because [this work] took a toll on his health #and when the anime/manga news outlets annouced that tog webtoon was returning i was so happy i couldn’t catch my breath haha #then i remembered of the fact that i was just finished catching up to the latest chapter and [the news] happened the next day #felt like my prayer has been granted as fast as a lightning #while it brought me an utmost happiness… i felt terribly bad and worried for SIU-nim’s health condition #i hope he gets well soon peacefully… without the need to continue drawing for awhile #it must’ve been harder for manga/manhwa authors to keep up with their series while realizing their health is at stake from time to time #but hopefully all of them don’t push themselves otherwise it could’ve burned them out #and the process to get through the completion of their own series will be ruined completely #and i hope the editors or the publishers don’t push them too #sorry for this rant i was supposed to get some rest since i’m sick rn but i can’t sleep even if i have consumed two strong pills #but anyways i’ll be waiting! #also ignore every grammar mistakes i just noticed them smh #tog #tower of god #tog webtoon

[milkweedman]

Had the first of 3 appointments that precede me getting pain management, which was mostly just talking abt the chronic pain and how it affected my life. Usually i would say its pretty bad but after being asked a lot of qualitative questions abt it i have realized its actually like. Real bad.

#which i guess makes me feel a little better abt how incapable of everything ive been recently #my sister has been increasingly shitty about it so ive been having a lot of feelings of like. #wow maybe i am just being a spoiled lazy asshole and maybe my sister is right to roll her eyes when i say #that i need the cast iron to stay on the stove because lifting it up is painful and difficult #and maybe i am just being intentionally difficult by not wanting to do things where i will have to stand #or even just exist outside my house for long periods of time #feel a bit more justified now. plus the lady i talked to was super nice AND told me i should ask my doctor #to renew that gabapentin scrip. i was worried even asking would be considered drug seeking but also it helped so much... #really bad past few weeks on all fronts though #but today i am spending my last $8 on weed and i am gonna sit outside and do some spinning for the rest of the day #and just generally ignore everything shitty #at least thats the plan. #chronic illness

[emometalhead]

I am once again asking if breaking my jaw could relieve TMJ pressure. This is getting ridiculous.

#only kind of joking #not kidding when I say if you try to give me pain management advice I will block you though #trust me if you can name it I've tried it #I haven't been able to eat all day. I'm in an overwhelming amount of pain because no painkillers I've taken recently have worked. #my patience is next to nothing rn #hate it here #have an appointment with my primary doctor to talk about my jaw on Friday but no doctors ever know anything about it so I'm not hopeful #literally open to seeing any type of doctor or specialist of whoever for literally any treatment except botox #no one in my area offers anything besides botox #there's no long term treatment for TMJ and every now and then I just need to have a breakdown over it #like I'm only 20 and I've already had pain for over 10 years and I'm going to be in at least this much pain for the rest of my life #*screams* #so yeah if I just snap my jaw maybe it will give some release. that's the point I'm at right now #tmj #ashley rambles #jaw