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#i need some patients and accommodation and understanding. needs and boundaries need met and respected. i never get those.
autisticlee · 1 month
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sometimes being autistic really separates me from other people. there's an invisible wall that separates me from people, society, the world. all those things can reach through the wall and slap me around, but it's one way. I can't reach them. and they never pat me on the head. nothing nice comes through. and I can't get out. I try to share good things. nothing gets through the wall. they see it as I purposely don't come out of the room i'm locked in. they think I act like i'm too good for them. they are offended and reach in to slap me. i'm desperately screaming and trying to reach out to them. trying to be part of things. but I can't. I can't connect with them. I can't be part of society. this wall isn't my doing, but they are making sure it stays up and making sure they only send negative signals through. know I can't stay behind this wall or I literally can't live. but also can't get out. i'm stuck and blamed for it. told i'm not trying and it's on purpose. i've been kicking and screaming at the wall my whole life and didn't make a dent. the lonliness and disconnection that can be felt when autistic is something nonautistic people will never feel or understand.
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rosellasans · 4 years
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To See the World Before your Eyes [Part 1]
Summary: They were going to migrate to the capital city. Razz was going to further his education, and Rose planned to see the sights. However, it wouldn’t be so easy.
Steampunk AU
Pairing: Pepper Roses - Razz/Rose
Rated M for the violence
Warnings: loss of parents/parent death, graphic depiction of violence! Sky pirates are involved. Proceed with caution
Even when you can’t see it, you can hear the turning of gears and cogs. The steam coming out of pipes as the ship ignites fire to keep the large blimp over it afloat. It was a grand airship, leading to Odgan Hughes. The capital city of Baldry Heriot, where the greatest inventions were said to be created. The prosperous city due to its machine advantage had a large population, with many tourists coming and going, as well as those planning to stay permanently, it goes to show just how much of a superpower it was becoming. 
As such, Razz was excited to see such a sight, and learn of all the city could offer. However, the trip was … rather bland. Nothing he hasn’t seen before as this was not his first time on a large airship. Exploring it would be … inappropriate. Even if he was still a child, he had a high status to maintain, and shouldn’t be doing anything untoward and bring shame to his family name. 
Razz was an intelligent and well-mannered boy. So much so that, in actuality, his parents worried. Razz was still just a child, and being unruly is still all right for his age. While they were happy to have such a thoughtful son, they were concerned that Razz wasn’t happy and having fun. They’ve tried introducing playmates; however, Razz’s politeness and distance made it difficult for others to get close. A child shouldn’t be carrying such a heavy weight on their shoulders at such a young age. 
Now the airship had several floors that accommodates to commoners and noble lords and ladies of society. Though there was segregation in the social ladder, it is not punishable to interact with those above or below. Though, because of the unspoken rule, a boundary is kept. 
However, a curious little one couldn’t help his curiosity in exploring such a large airship. He’s never been on it before. And so high up too! His parents saved up to migrate to the big city so that he could get a better education and live better lives. 
Rose didn’t mind, loving to see new sights. And because it was so, he found himself in a room where he was surrounded by people wearing fancy clothes and puffy dresses. They look really expensive! Everything in this large room did. Compared to his simple and not puffy white dress, he didn’t fit in. But that didn’t stop Rose from looking around. He perked up when he even saw the food, and went to the dessert table. 
Razz looked boredly at the crowd gathered. The socializing really wasn’t his forte. Children his age anyway. He prefers to talk to scholars and other intellectuals who can share his passion for discovery and the curious. 
Hmm? Suddenly, he spotted someone unfamiliar going to the dessert table. With their outfit, it was easy to see that the child was a commoner. 
Razz saw the other pick up a cream puff, and … it was amazing how much they brightened up. Seemed like they it. It was … He’d never admit it was kind of cute. Pure even. 
Ah but, he should say something. Using both hands wasn’t proper. Look at the mess on their face from the cream. 
Rose has never tasted anything like it before. A sweet and creamy delight that he now deemed his favourite. He wanted to have it every day! 
“You’re making a mess.” Rose turned to the voice and blinked. It was a boy dressed prim and proper like the adults in the room. “A lady like you should take care of their appearance.” The cream was gently wiped off his face by the boy’s handkerchief. 
“Oh, thanks~!” Rose cheerfully smiled. “Name’s Rose!” 
Razz expected the slang, and replied accordingly. “My name is Razzcardairil Jouvégner.” 
Rose blinked before giggling. “Your name is soo long! Imma call you Razz!” Razz’s brow twitched, but he supposed he’ll let it slide. Rose offered his cream puff, the one he already bit mind you. “You want some, Razz? It’s really good!” 
Razz tried not to show his displeasure, and politely rejected the offer. However, the immediate downcast impression on Rose made him force himself to relent. It wasn’t gentleman-ly to make a lady sad. “Very well.”
Rose cheered up after hearing it and offered the treat. “Yay! Say aah~!”
Embarrassment wasn’t enough to define what he felt. His cheeks coloured and he prepared himself leaning forward for a little bite. He straightened up immediately. 
“Isn’t it good?” 
“It’s ordinarily sweet.” Razz stated truthfully. He wasn’t a fan of sweet confectioneries in the first place. The sugary cream on his palate was tolerable. 
Rose gasped. “No way! This is suuuuper amazing!!” He emphasized with his arms to show its magnificence. Razz looked on with a deadpan expression at the exaggeration, making Rose pout with puffed cheeks. Razz had the urge to poke it. He stopped himself by saying, “For a lady to eat appropriate and proper, eat in small bites and use the tongs to pick up the dessert to put on a plate—”
“Eeeeh. But I won’t be able to enjoy the yummy treat!”
Razz patiently said, “It’s simply how it is. Otherwise, people will think you’re a hooligan.”
“What’s that? Is it bad?” 
“Very.”
Rose gasped. “I won’t be able to eat this treat anymore?” 
Since Razz was getting the message through, he shook his head gravely, making Rose gasp again and hurriedly looked for a plate to put the cream puff on. 
“But then, how do I eat it?” 
“Fork and butter knife.” 
“... But where will I eat on?” 
Razz opened his mouth to answer before it occurred to him that there was no table available. 
Rose brought up, “Oh! If I eat outside, it will be okay right? Can I take as much I want then?”
“Piling up food on a plate is not—” 
“But going back and forth is tiring! Plus, it’s pretty outside!” Rose proceeded to pile cream puffs on his plate. 
“Hey—”
When Rose finished, he smiled brightly at his companion. “Join me, Razz! We can even explore the ship! It’s so big! I wanna see it all.”
“I …” Razz furrowed his brows, for the first time, deeply troubled. 
“Oh my, is this your new friend, dear?” The children turned to look at the well-dressed lady. Beside her was an equally well-dressed man. 
“Mother, father.” Razz bowed his head just as he was taught for respect. Rose hid behind Razz, a bit scared. 
“Sorry to have frightened you deary, we didn’t mean to intrude.” 
“It’s okay.” Rose said quietly, still behind Razz. He took the courage to say, “Um, is it okay for Razz and I to go outside and play?” 
“Hey, I didn’t—”
“My~” Razz’s mother was ecstatic and his father was delightfully surprised. “Go on. We don’t mind at all.” 
“Mother—”
“Now, now. You two enjoy yourselves. No need to stay here.” 
Razz got the message and sighed in his heart. “Very well.”
“Yay~! Let’s go, Razz!” Razz was dragged along, and the parents watched as they left. 
“It’s good that he found a friend now.” 
“Yes. I hope he can learn to experience being more relaxed and have fun.”
----
“That allows for the heat to be used as energy, and that’s why the steam comes out of the pipes.” 
“Wow~! You know everything Razz!” Rose beamed. “That’s amazin!” 
“... It’s nothing.” He ignored the warm feeling in his soul. He’s been praised countless of times. And yet, when Rose complimented him, why did it feel different? 
As they explored the airship, Rose would ask questions and Razz would answer. They’d take breaks with eating cream puffs, to which Razz was forced to use his hand and treat it as finger food for the lack of cutlery. He endured eating the dessert. He wanted to tell Rose he couldn’t eat anymore, but he couldn’t bring himself to say it.
So they continued until there was no more cream puffs, bless Razz’s soul, and they sat on the veranda of the highest floor, only available to VIP members. Razz took Rose as his guest, and they looked over the nightly landscape scenery before them. Stars decorating the sky as glitters on a bluish black canvas. Surrounded by clouds and the sea below, to Razz whose often seen it, it wasn’t at all amazing. But to Rose, it was breathtaking. 
“Razzy,” a nickname that Rose came up for him along the way. It was cute and cheesy, but with Rose saying it, Razz found himself not minding it too much. After all, after telling Rose to not call him that, their stubbornness made him relent in the end. Though he won’t allow others to call him as such. He was drawing a line there. “Why’d you wanna go to the capital?” 
It was a question he didn’t expect, but answered regardless. “To partake in studying their machines and gain a better understanding of their mechanisms.” 
“Ooh! Are you gonna make things?”
“It’s not a sure thing, but it’s a possibility.”
“Then, make an airship!” 
“That’s already made.”
Rose shook his head. “No like, airship that moves on its own!”
That piqued Razz’s interest. “Moves on its own?” 
“Yeah! Like, maybe it takes energy from the sun! Or wind or something.”
“That certainly is an interesting concept.” It’s a novel idea for sure. 
“Yeah! And then, when you make it,” Rose smiled happily as he took Razz’s hand and lifted it up high. “Let’s go on trips together! Explore the world!” 
Razz’s eyes widened and his heart thumped. Beyond surprised, he didn’t expect such ambitiousness coming from Rose. Explore the world… 
There were so many things out there that has yet to be explored. And that kind of excitement and thrill … His heart seemed to thump loudly. 
“Take me with you, okay?” 
Razz looked at Rose, and for the first time, he smiled. “I’ll think about it.”
“Whaat? Stingy! Pinky promise! Let’s go together!” 
“I haven’t even made it yet.”
“But when you do, take meeeee.” 
It wasn’t an ‘if’, but a ‘when’. Really. To have that much faith in him and making promises. They’ve only just met today. 
Rose pouted from the lack of answer and latched onto Razz. “Take meeeeee. Pretty pleaaaasee~” 
“A lady shouldn’t be whining.” 
“So you’ll take me if I don’t whine?” 
Razz couldn’t help but sigh. Rose had the tenacity, that’s for sure. He’d never met anyone like him. He’s sure that the latter would whine regardless. “Fine.” He lifted his pinky finger up. “Once I finished making it, I’ll bring you with me.” His smile became softer, warmer, and genuine. “Let’s explore the world together.” 
Rose cheered up, and crossed their fingers together. “Pinky promise!”
“Pinky promise.” 
----
The embers continue to spread, as explosions shook the ship. Screams and hurried panic stomps. People rushing for safety, for security, for their families. The pleasant evening was disturbed and ruined when the pirates invaded. It wasn’t rare to come across these raiders in the skies, but it was uncommon enough to be unexpected. 
The guards had rushed in. Clashes of swords and the sound of gunshots. It became a battlefield that rendered the civilians helpless because there wasn’t just one pirate ship. Several surrounded the airship. 
And it wasn’t a pretty sight. 
People were slaughtered without discrimination. Men, women, children. It didn’t matter to them as they pillaged the treasures and money that can be found. People cried, screamed, begged. And the foolishly braved fighting back was met with a bullet to the head or a sword pierced into their chest. 
But not all was lost. There were lifeboats being used to get as many people as they could. Many had already disembarked. And there were only a few spots left. 
“You go on, son.” Razz looked at his father with wide eyes. He didn’t want to leave his parents behind. He wanted them to come with, but there was no time. For once, he was unwilling. Rebelling and disobeying. He couldn’t leave them. 
“My dear and beloved son.” His mother kissed his forehead as he saw the tears sliding down her cheeks. “Don’t let this be the end. You must live on and survive. Your father and I will buy time for you and … watch over you.”
“N-No. Don’t.” Hot tears welled up in his sockets. This couldn’t happen. “You have to come.” He rushed forward, embracing them. Gripping their clothes tight. He didn’t want to let go. But he was forced to. 
“We can’t. That’s why you—” The door slammed open. The screams were amplified by the pirates coming inside. Right before his eyes, before he could reach his father riddled with bullets and his mother was stabbed in the back to protect him. “Run! Run to the boat.” She did her best to smile. “We’ll always love you.” She pushed him to go. “Go. Go to the boat!” 
Razz shut his eyes when he turned around and ran. Helpless and weak. He never hated being so incapable and incompetent. Footsteps rushed after him, and by misfortune, he had tripped and stumbled hard on the ground. 
“Hehe~ Too bad!” Razz wasn’t fast enough from backing away from the blade, and he felt searing pain from his eye. The blood leaked out like tears, keeping it close as he kicked the pirate’s shin before bolting to buy him time. 
If he doesn’t survive this. His parents would’ve died in vain. He has to live on. 
Razz ran to the lifeboat, his life depending on it. When it came in sight, the people already on gave made room for him. The capacity was full, and the sailor hastily ignited the engines to fly away. 
Surrounded by people just as scared, wounded, in tears, Razz felt emptiness. He looked back to the sinking airship. Watching the fire spread and smoke become thicker and blacker. 
It only hit him then that he didn’t even see Rose after he escorted him back to the commoner area hours before all this chaos. 
Razz clenched his fists tight as he gritted his teeth. He won’t even know if Rose was killed, managed to get into the lifeboats, or still in the ship looking for safety. His … first friend. 
Before it could even start, it seems that the promise was already broken. 
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hollenka99 · 5 years
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New York
Summary: Jameson moves away from home, meets new people who will play important roles in his life and starts a company with his brother. Chapter 1.
September 24, 1906 Dear Mother,
Clifford and I have arrived safely in New York. Our accommodation is a small and we have taken to alternating whose turn it is to sleep on the floor. Fear not, I am sure we will earn enough soon to pay for a better apartment. However, for now, our arrangement will suffice.
Manhattan itself has made a decent first impression on me. There are a number of theatres within walking distance of our apartment. Cliff is interested in auditioning for some roles once they are advertised. Carnegie Hall is near us too. Do you remember me telling you about it before we left? It certainly has a reputation. Neither of us has the ability to perform there.
How are things in Saint John without us? I hope you are not too lonely with only Pearl at home to keep you company. We both miss all of you.
Yours, Jameson
October 9, 1906 Dear Mother,
We have become successful in securing ourselves jobs. I have become a proof reader while Clifford is being paid as an actor. With our salaries combined, we can bring home up to $45 a week. That isn't a bad amount, if I must say. Of course, that is the best case scenario. Cliff's contributions will be inconsistent. I don't wish to be the sole financial provider but I will if I must. Although, I must admit the thought of it is fairly stressful.
I have heard from Cliff that you scolded him for our sleeping arrangement. Please do not treat him as if he is forcing me into this situation. I was the one who suggested it. Furthermore, lying on my back has never caused me to asphyxiate before. I highly doubt I will begin being affected by it any time soon.
I promise you, I am healthy. You can be reassured that I trust my brother with my life. Clifford has never done anything with the intent of harming me. He will not risk my health nor my safety, especially not in an attempt to be at an advantage. There is no need to fret over this.
Yours, Jameson
December 26, 1906 Dear all,
I hope you have enjoyed Christmas together. It was odd to be away from you this year as well as a shame we could not visit. Unfortunately, money is short for us as of right now. If all goes well, we may be able to celebrate together again next December.
Despite this, we were not lonely. Of course, we had each other. However, we did invite two friends of ours to share our pitifully small spread. It was a night full of riveting conversations and laughter. I enjoyed getting to know our friends better. One of them teaches piano to the local children. If I invite her to celebrate Christmas in the future, I should ensure there is a piano for her to play. It will certainly make the long nights pass quickly if there is music for us to sing to. I myself may not sing but I'm sure there is a carol or hymn that requires a duet. I could always assist with the chords while she plays the melody.
The funniest coincidence occurred yesterday. Cliff and I have both been interested in purchasing a Brownie from Eastman Kodak. At $1 a camera and $2 for development, I'd say one of those cameras would be a decent investment. The two of us both agreed we'd save up, prioritising essentials such as food and rent, then we would discuss buying one to share. I will confess that I suffered impatience. I may have bought the camera for Christmas. So, it would seem, did Cliff. As consequence, we appear to be in a situation where we have gifted the exact same present to each other. It was a humourous beginning to the day.
I can hardly take 117 photographs in the space of 24 hours. Once I have become familiar with the device, I may choose to include some photographs in my letters. I doubt the elements will be kind to them but unfortunately, I do not have another choice but to expose them to potential damage.
Hoping this coming year treats us all favourably, Jameson
December 28, 1906 Dearest Siobhan,
I would hate for you to be lonely as we greet the new year. Clifford and I would be more than happy to have you celebrate with us. Please consider joining us on Monday night.
Yours, Jameson
March 11, 1907 Dear Jameson,
I have a query that has been on my mind for the past couple weeks. I hope I am not overstepping any boundaries by asking you for the answer. If I am, I apologize and will not bring the subject up again. I am simply curious as to how your muteness developed. You are clearly not hard of hearing as you understand everything I say to you in person. For that reason, my intrigue into you condition has grown. This is not something you are able explain to me with your hands. It seems too complex for that.
On an entirely unrelated matter, would yourself and Clifford be interested in joining me next Sunday for drinks? You told me you were half Irish on your father's side. If you would like to consider celebrating that heritage, I would be more than happy to host the two of you.
Please, do not feel obliged to answer my question if it makes you uncomfortable. That would be the last thing I would want.
Sincerely yours, Siobhan
March 14, 1907 Dearest Siobhan,
You would be correct in your belief that I am not able to explain my condition through American sign language. Do not worry about offending me. I was planning to tell you this story regardless, only at a later date.
Years ago, when I was a boy of nine, I found myself suffering from a malfunctioning thyroid. The doctors suggested surgery to treat me. Unfortunately, they must have made a mistake as I woke to part of my vocal cords being paralysed. The condition is known as vocal fold paresis or, if you really want to sound sophisticated, recurrent laryngeal nerve paralysis. While I am physically able speak aloud, it is difficult. I found it easier to speak through sign. My family learned ASL alongside me.
What I was not aware of was that vocal cords also contribute to breathing. You can imagine the physical education lessons in high school I had to endure. You should not worry yourself after receiving this letter. The extent this affects me is not great. I simply have to be vigilant when exercising and eating. If you are present when I accidentally choke on a meal, by all means help me. Otherwise, please don't act like I will meet my doom at any second. My mother still does at times and it is unbelievably frustrating to convince her I am fine.
I hope this was informative and answered any queries you may have had.
Patiently awaiting those drinks, Jameson
April 15, 1907 Dear Jameson,
While I do appreciate the poems slipped into my mail, if you send me any more, you may actually succeed in making me blush. You're lucky Lent ended two weeks ago. You should know better than to tempt those you care for with such sweet things. The next thing you know, you'll have enough to compile into an anthology.
Ever yours, Siobhan
May 23, 1907 Jameson,
You must tell me what you think of Elizabeth. Lord knows your brother won't tell me. He barely knows her, he can't after only a handful of months. How long have you lived in New York now? I think it may be seven or eight months. That is not enough time to truly get to know someone. Especially when you are planning to spend the rest of your life with them. Marriage is not to be taken lightly. Clifford clearly does not understand that.
Mark my words, he will regret his decision. I will only attend the ceremony because I can see you again after all these months. I am surprised you are not angered by this. After all, you are the one who pays for everything. How much do you actually earn a week? $20? You can just about to afford to live on that. You can't, however, afford to live on $20 and pay for a wedding. Are you not irritated by this? You should be, Jameson.
In other news, it should only be a few days before you become an uncle. I, for one, am delighted to become a grandmother. Harvey has made me promise to stay by Edith's side while he works. As if I wouldn't do so anyway. Even if a midwife cannot arrive quickly, I know how to help her. It is difficult not to have some knowledge after delivering five children myself. She is in safe hands. I suppose you will be able to meet the child at the wedding.
You have my love, Your mother.
May 31, 1907 Dear Cliff and Jem,
I have good news to bring you. Yesterday, Edith safely delivered a girl. Both she and our daughter appear to be recovering well. We have chosen to name her Dorothy. I hope you visit Saint John soon so you both may meet her. As to be expected, our mother is fawning over her first grandchild. I will not deny that her help is welcome.
Additionally, congratulations to you, Clifford, on your engagement to Elizabeth. Myself and Edith are looking forward to the wedding. We wish the two of you a long happy life spent by each other's side.
Wishing you well, Harvey
June 8, 1907 Dear Mother,
Unfortunately, I am not responsible for Cliff's actions. He appears to genuinely care for his 'Lizzy-Beth'. If things end poorly, I have no way of changing it. I understand your 'let him repent at leisure' sentiment. That said, he is an adult now. I don't feel I am in the position to tell him what he can and cannot do.
Elizabeth herself is a respectful woman. She is a teacher so I assume she is intelligent. You mustn't forget she agreed to marry a man she has only known since November. There are always at least two parties involved in an engagement. If the marriage does not last, they can regret their haste with equal responsibility for getting married in the first place.
Either way, the truth of the matter is that Cliff is getting married regardless of our opinions. We must learn to tolerate that reality. At least he will be able to point to whereabouts he made his mistake.
Yours, Jameson
July 2, 1907 Dear Mother,
With Clifford preparing to marry Elizabeth, I am sure you wonder whether I have met somebody myself. I must confess I have indeed allowed myself to become a fool for a woman.
Her name is Siobhan O'Hara. You may remember me indirectly mentioning her during my Christmas letter. I met her last December when she was playing piano at a dance. I felt the need to compliment her musical skill. After that, I encouraged her to leave the music to someone else at the next dance she attended. For some unknown reason, she accepted my offer. In the months since, I have been teaching her how to sign and spending many spare hours in her company. We have already visited Central Park multiple times together.
You really should hear her play. She is so graceful it is as if an angel possesses her. In fact, her hair makes me wonder whether she is not one is disguise. She has been tutoring me, much like the local children who pay her. Perhaps I should demonstrate my improvement the next time I return home.
I am sure you will be able to meet Siobhan at Cliff's wedding. I have not properly discussed attendance with her yet but I doubt she will decline my offer. She is a friend of Cliff's too.
Yours, Jameson
July 23, 1907 Jem,
Thank you for the birthday present; I love it. Perhaps your gift for me next year can be understanding sarcasm.
Your angel, Siobhan
(P.S. With complete honesty, I do adore the compilation. I hope I am not mistaken in thinking I saw some new additions. I will have a thorough read when I next get the chance. Afterwards, I should prepare for your birthday. You are not the only one who can perform grand gestures.)
July 27, 1907 Jameson,
I certainly must meet this young woman. From your words, I can tell you are enamoured by her. I am happy you are finding joy in her company. I remember frequently meeting your father by the dockyard when we were young. They were simpler times. My biggest worry when I was your age was understanding your grandmother's accent.
My only advice is that you treat each other well and do not rush into anything. You are not yet 20 years old. You have decades of life ahead of you. You have time to be careful in your choices. If in time nothing changes for the two of you, I will be delighted to welcome her into the family.
Wishing you well, Your mother
November 1, 1907 Siobhan,
I know you have appointments today. I know I only saw you yesterday too. However, if you are able, would you spend time with me tonight? We don't have to converse. All I am really wishing for is some company. Normally, I would be surrounded by my mother and siblings, remembering our father. Cliff and I made do last year with only the two of us. Unfortunately, he is with Elizabeth tonight.
By all means, bring a candle for your mother. I think I may have a spare from last year you can use if you don't own one. We can watch the flames as we reflect in peace. Choose whichever option you prefer but I would rather not be alone this evening. That said, only come of your own volition. I don't wish to force you into dedicating your time to something you are not interested in.
Thank you for understanding, Jameson.
November 2, 1907 Dearest Siobhan,
Thank you for last night. I wasn't expecting to learn more about you when I invited you. I am sorry to hear your mother died the way she did. I know it runs through generations but perhaps there is hope neither you nor Michael will suffer the same way. There is that possibility, correct?
Even if you do become afflicted with the disease, know that I will be there to care for you until the end. That is my sincere promise to you. It does not matter to me how it affects you, I won't leave you in when you need me the most. Besides, you are nineteen and I have barely passed the threshold of my twenties. Should you be affected, we still have twenty or so years before the first symptoms make themselves known. A great deal can happen in twenty years.
I love you dearly, Siobhan. I simply wished to have someone beside me as I acknowledged another year without my father. After what you told me, I cannot go about my day without ensuring it is explicitly clear to you that I will be there for you always. So long as you will allow me, of course.
Thinking of you, Jameson
March 21, 1908 Dear all,
Cliff and I are proud to announce that Jackson Brothers Productions has officially been founded. The financial aspects of it are still yet to become stable. However, that won't stop us from doing our best to become respectable members of the film industry. At the moment, we are not concerned with securing the position of top dog. That can be worked on in a few years when we have established ourselves as filmmakers people want to see.
I will be the head writer and manage the money while Cliff directs. We will both act in our films. The plan is to start off slowly, working our way up. The script for our first short for the company is finished. Once it is released, we hope you will enjoy it.
Here's to realising dreams, Jameson
August 10, 1908 Dear Mother,
I visited the Statue of Liberty recently with Cliff, Elizabeth and Siobhan. Lady Liberty truly does look magnificent. I hear she stands at 93 metres tall. To reach her, you must travel by boat. It was a simple case of cycling to the harbour then boarding the vessel to Bedloe's Island.
As we walked around the statue, Siobhan told us about the first time she saw it. It was back in 1904, she was still on her boat to the city and suddenly she had a clear view of the Statue of Liberty. She explained it instilled a determination of sorts within her, motivating her to make her plans work. I knew beforehand that she arrived before us and was therefore younger but I never contemplated the fact she would have been sixteen. Even at 18, I felt slightly overwhelmed with only myself and Cliff when we first came to New York. I remember Pearl being upset she couldn't join us but she was 14 in 1906, barely out of school and only just old enough to work.
Siobhan became enthralled in her own story. She began switching topics as she went off on tangents, to the point where I was the only one listening to her. I can certainly relate to the initial financial worries. I am impressed that she was able to keep a level head during those early days. It also pleases me that she sees the statue as a source of inspiration like I do, if only in a different way.
I have been reflecting on the day. Something about Siobhan made me realise something new about how I feel for her. I am not sure whether she reciprocates. I will ponder more on it and make my final decision by the end of this year. Either way, I will ask her to accompany me on a trip to Saint John this Christmas. I met her father last month during his visit to New York as a way of celebrating her birthday. It is high time she met you all too.
Yours, Jameson
December 13, 1908 Dear Sir,
I wished to discuss some important plans I want to begin preparing for. It was a pleasure meeting you in July and a joy to witness how close your relationship with Siobhan is. I appreciate being received so warmly by you, especially as you were only intending to celebrate her birthday. I can tell Siobhan is such a kind and caring woman because of your influence.
I hope it was apparent that your daughter means the world to me. I intend to spend the rest of my life proving that to her. I would like to ask your daughter for her hand and I would be honored to have your blessing. Please, in the very least, consider it.
Yours faithfully, Jameson Jackson
December 16, 1908 Dearest Siobhan,
You don't need to fret about meeting my mother and siblings. You already know Cliff. They are just as easy to get along with.
My mother is a worrisome yet kind-hearted woman. Ever since my thyroid operation, she is constantly fretting about my health. You've known me for two years now, you can tell she does not need to worry so excessively about it. There was a period of a few months when I was 14 where we were greatly at odds. She was incredibly protective of me which only lead to irritability. In hindsight, I understand she was only paranoid that her sickly son was going to develop complications. After all, she lost her husband to health issues that declined into complications. I suppose we were all trying to figure out where we all stood after his death. On an unrelated tangent, I think the only fault she will find in you is your lack of sewing skills. She works as a seamstress from home. The only reason I am vaguely competent in mending clothes is the countless nights where I mutilated bits of material as peaceful entertainment. She made my sister-in-law's wedding dress a couple of years ago. No doubt, she has already offered to do the same for Mabel.
Harvey is seven years my senior and the eldest of us. He followed our father into the shipbuilding trade so with the long hours, it is possible he may not be present often while we are visiting. He and his wife Edith have a year old daughter named Dorothy. I haven't met her yet so I am quite excited to do so. If Harvey attempts to bore you with war stories, simply nod and pretend to listen. He acts as if his participation in the Boer War makes him more of a man than those who have never served. He was barely of age as it was. We all suspect he'll join the next big war, should there be one. As you can guess, we all hope that war never comes. There is also the hope that he will be sensible, now that he has a family to stay in Canada for.
Mabel, like our mother, is a seamstress. Occasionally, she will refer to me as an early birthday present. That was more when we were younger. Oddly, having birthdays so close together caused us to become close ourselves. I cannot really explain it. We were mutually enthusiastic about each other's birthdays approaching because it also meant our own were too. There was some distance as well because little boys can't always relate to girls who are 5 years older than them. Either way, the two of us have a good relationship and I know the two of you will hit it off easily. She recently got engaged so you are likely to see her again next year when we attend the wedding.
Last but not least, there is Pearl. I may be the youngest son but she is the true baby. She is still only 16 and I worry what kind of attention she is receiving from young men. I may do my best to be respectful but some schoolboys are more like Cliff was. Cliff never practised infidelity as far as I'm aware but he certainly had a number of girlfriends in short succession when he was about 17. I have no doubt Pearl can handle herself but I can't help but be apprehensive. As you know, I have moments where I am of a mischievous nature. It is uncertain whether Pearl encouraged that side of me to develop or I was the one to trigger it in her. I must confess, the youngest three of us caused our parents such a headache in our youth. It used to be only myself and Cliff who pretended to act out these childishly outrageous tales. Then Pearl arrived, became old enough to play with us and earn her place as our third partner in crime. She wants to find success with us in the film industry but I still feel she is a little too young. One day, perhaps. She would certainly be a useful asset.
This is the closest we have come to being a complete family again after Cliff and I left home. It is a shame he won't be able to come with us. I understand his priority is Elizabeth and being there for the birth. Let's hope next year things will be different.
I promise you will be fine, Jameson
January 14, 1909 Dear Jameson,
Have you bought the ring yet? After meeting Siobhan, I am eagerly anticipating your big news in a few weeks. St Valentine's Day cannot come soon enough. Did you have to tell us during Christmas? That is six weeks of waiting.
A new girl joined us at the factory a few months ago. She finished school only last year. Like me, she does not see the point of being educated on how to be the best wife and mother when our own mothers can teach us. I am not sure about her but I am the youngest in our family. Our mother has time to teach me. The only students she ever had were myself and Mabel.
I don't know how much longer I can keep waking early, work for the majority of the day and then help Mother with sewing. I use my hands too strenuously. A good night's sleep (if such a thing existed) does nothing to help them recover. I am telling you, Jem, I will become a cripple by my 20th birthday.
Speaking of birthdays, you should buy me a ticket for New York. You know full well I want to join you in your endeavours. Isn't New York where all the filmmakers are right now? Forget about the papers, I will deal with all that. I can find myself work in a factory or bakery once I get there too. Or perhaps I could stay in your apartment and work as a seamstress from home. You left me behind but I don't wish to stand for it any longer. Allow me to make the Jackson Brothers into a trinity.
I hope to hear back from you soon, Pearl
January 27, 1909 Pearl,
You must be patient. While I would love for you to help us create our films, a lot is happening right now. I don't have the time, energy or in fact the expertise to go into details. However, to put it simply, Thomas Edison is in the process of destroying the prospects of filmmakers like us. Last month, the Motion Pictures Patent Company was formed. In short, Edison is attempting to raise his chances of success by controlling the industry before it develops further.
As I'm sure you can guess, Clifford and I are not only stressed about our professional lives but our futures as creators as well. This has all occurred in the past month or two so where this will lead is undecided. Either way, Pearl, this is one of the worst times you could join us. I promise you it would not be worth it. On top of everything, Cliff has Clara to worry about now too.
Once my finances have recovered from the inevitably large expenses that come with a wedding and Cliff settles into fatherhood, we will figure out how to proceed. Don't worry, the timing may be bad now but, if all goes well, this will change.
Please give everyone my love. Jameson
February 15, 1909 Dear all,
More good news! I am officially engaged to Siobhan. We are both eager to start preparations as soon as we can. I doubt the wedding will happen this year. Personally, I would prefer to celebrate a marriage during the warmer half of the year. Knowing Siobhan, I feel she shares a similar preference.
With Clara being born last month and my engagement, this seems to be shaping up to becoming an eventful year. Perhaps this should be the year I visit Ireland. It may be difficult with all that is happening to smaller producers here. That said, I feel I owe it to Siobhan. She has visited Saint John but I am yet to set foot in her homeland.
I do wish to see Ireland for other personal reasons. After all, I was named after the grandfather we left behind. Do you remember Granny's stories about him? I have always been bothered by Britain starving the Irish until they had no choice but to flee. It broke families like ours apart and lead to some never meeting their posthumous children. I know our father wished he had met his own.
Well, I appear to have changed the mood of this letter rather quickly, haven't I? I certainly did not intend to diverge onto such a sad tangent. By all means, have a drink on my behalf. Although, I would not encourage doing so in front of your daughter, Harvey.
Wishing you the same happiness as mine, Jameson
February 21, 1909 Jameson,
How could you? You don't know how upset you have made us. You propose marriage to such a lovely girl and refuse to tell your mother and sisters the details.
You disappoint us, Whiskey Boy. You live in secrecy and drink to your victory over us. Mother is crying, insisting that she did not raise such a terrible son. You must rectify this wrongdoing immediately. We simply won't stand for it.
Congratulations on your engagement, Pearl
February 23, 1909 Dear Jameson,
Congratulations on your engagement. I will certainly be thrilled to attend with Edward.
I struggle to believe you are already preparing to get married. It didn't seem too long ago that you were convinced I was getting married when you saw Mother making my communion dress. You also kept delivering me sand and broken shells leading up the ceremony. I don't think Father Henry was too pleased with you. It didn't help that you wandered up to near the altar in your little suit. How young you must have been back then. You can't have been older than two or three. You were always as sweet of a little brother as you were happy.
I'm glad you have someone who allows you continue your happiness in adulthood. I recall Siobhan telling me you were rather sweet as her gentleman caller too. Anyone can see how well the two of you go together. I'm warning you now, Jem, don't you dare mess this up. Women like Siobhan won't find themselves in your life often. You lose her, you will never replace the joy she gives you.
I suggest we celebrate properly in July when you visit for my own wedding.
Your loving sister, Mabel
March 7, 1909 Dear Pearl,
You can tell Mother to dry her eyes because she has a daughter so overdramatic that she will certainly succeed in an acting career, should she choose to pursue one. I did not give details because there is not much to say. However, if you must know the course of events, I will happily tell you them.
I invited Siobhan to accompany me for an evening stroll around Central Park. We walked for a while before reaching a place to rest for a moment. I asked her to marry me. She said yes. I chose not to sign during that moment. While she greatly appreciated the gesture, I can tell you my throat did not. That is purely the extent of the proposal. Forgive me for not boring you with the tale beforehand.
In all sincerity, if I have genuinely caused any of you to cry, I hope they are from joy. I have found a new source of optimism. My future is beginning to stretch out before me and I have every hope that it will be good.
Yours, Jameson
September 28, 1909 Dear all,
The harbour is beautiful now. There are lights everywhere as the city celebrates the 300th anniversary of Henry Hudson's discovery of the river and the centenary of Robert Fulton's paddle steamers. To live so close to the river, I have been enjoying the decorations. We will also witness a number of parades while we celebrate history. It began on Saturday and will carry on until October 9th.
I have been a resident here for the past three years now. It struck me that there was so much I didn't know about this city's past. Perhaps I should read up on the subject and educate myself.
But, for now, I think I will invite Siobhan to gaze at the Statue of Liberty. It made me realise I wished to love her for the rest of my days. Something about Lady Liberty inspires me. I am sure she looks even more majestic when covered in lights, especially after dark. If the answer to the Edison problem is to move elsewhere, I will certainly miss that statue.
I am also reminded of Reversing Falls. I long for that place too. Perhaps one of you should visit it on my behalf. It is odd what will stay dear to you.
I suppose I will leave you with that thought.
Yours, Jameson
November 1, 1909 Dearest Siobhan,
Thank you for the hat. I've never worn one of this style before. The men in my family were always more of the flat cap type. I have been inspecting myself in the mirror whilst wearing it. I feel a bowler hat suits me. It might give the illusion I am of a higher social standing than in reality. And with this facial hair that's growing due to negligence, I might see if a moustache suits me as well. If I can get the look right, I might have a character brewing.
Thank you again for the birthday present and the potential inspiration. If you do not appreciate the moustache, I can always be clean shaven during the wedding.
Yours always, Jameson
April 21st 1910 GROOM FULL NAME: Jameson Albert Samuel Jackson AGE: 22 RESIDENCE: West 42nd Street, Manhattan NUMBER OF MARRIAGE: First OCCUPATION: Proof-reader BIRTH PLACE: Saint John, New Brunswick, Canada NAME OF FATHER: William (Deceased) MAIDEN NAME OF MOTHER: Florence Hilliard
BRIDE FULL NAME: Siobhan Maria O'Hara AGE: 21 RESIDENCE: West 52nd Street, Manhattan NUMBER OF MARRIAGE: First OCCUPATION: Pianist BIRTH PLACE: Limerick, Ireland NAME OF FATHER: Jacob MAIDEN NAME OF MOTHER: Eileen Kelly (Deceased)
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The friend who most likely will not notice this
I have a friend I’ve never met in real life but we used to be really close and spoke online almost every day. We used to rp a lot. They were the first person I rp’d with and we clicked so well. Now there has just been only a couple of messages between us during the past 18 months or so and it kind of makes me sad. I get it that they have their own issues but it still hurts. I never wanted to cut contact and at this point I truly, honestly have no idea if they still consider me a friend and even want to stay friends.
The last message I got from them was in August on Twitter, when I had retweeted something of theirs, mentioning something about how long they have been drawing and they freaked and basically asked me to never say anything personal about them online because their follower base has grown exponentially and someone had been creepy or whatever. I don’t know the details since they never explained, and I sort of snapped at them. I try so hard to understand and remember their issues and say it’s not their fault if they are too anxious to talk, but I still feel a little hurt and just tired to always be the person who is bending over backwards to try to stay in touch and accommodate their feelings. I have feelings too, you know. Hell, I’m crying right now as I write this.
I think the reason I snapped at them was that hurt, and also because over a year can be a very long time. I’ve become aware of a lot of things about myself this year, one of them being the problems I have with my own personal boundaries and people pleasing. And while not having much contact with a friend who you know irl for a year or two doesn’t necessarily matter much, I feel purely internet-based relationships are more fragile. Too often I have found myself in situations with people where I am the only one who puts in all the effort to maintain a relationship and that just isn’t healthy. (Extreme case is a childhood friend I once asked if she wanted to hang out and her response was “sorry, I don’t have time, I’m seeing my friends”. Not other friends. Friends. That really spoke so loud and clear about what she thought that it was then that I decided to stop being the only one putting in the effort. If she didn’t want to be my friend, it was her loss. I may be a lot of things, but as a friend I’m fucking loyal and I don’t deserve to be treated like that.)
I sent them a message when Biden won the election, since I know how incredibly stressful the whole election thing has been to them, especially coupled with a year of pandemic when they have severe health anxiety. I told them not to worry about responding, but whenever I see them post something, it still stings when their last message was in August. It was them posting something that made me write this. I like to think that they still care and I matter to them as much as they still matter to me, but I’m not a mind reader. That’s another thing that clashes with my issues, because ever since I was a little kid I’ve had to learn to read my mom and her moods and thoughts between the lines. She’s important to me, she’s always been as good a parent as possible, but she’s very emotionally abusive towards my dad and I’ve gotten my share of that too. And becoming more aware of my problems with my personal boundaries has made me more sensitive to how people dear to me treat me.
I love my friend. They have been so important to me and I want them to be part of my life still. But right now I’m trying to walk the line between respecting and understanding their needs and problems and trying to defend my own frankly quite fragile boundaries. I have my own issues and needs too. I sincerely don’t want to pressure them during a difficult time, but I need to take care of myself too and defend my own mental health. If I don’t, I will only keep on being miserable in my life. I’m really feeling very ambivalent, because on the other hand I feel guilty about feeling hurt and I feel I don’t have the right to demand anything, and I should be patient and compassionate and understanding, but I’ve also found the voice inside me that tells me it’s not selfish to want something in return and have my feelings considered as well.   
My friend isn’t on Tumblr much these days so I really doubt they will see this post. But if by some chance they did see this, I want them to know that I love them. I just wish I knew if they still want to be my friend too.
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